Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
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and a Marriage
and Family Consultant
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted
you can join us today.
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Communication is the life blood
of every healthy relationship.
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Today, we're going to be talking
about communication in marriage.
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We're calling this
segment "Communication 411".
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What's the 411, what's the
information on communication?
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And as we go through this
segment, we will talk about
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important dynamics
that take place in marriage
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and how we can capitalize
on them, how we can grow
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and become better spouses and
create an environment of support
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of happiness, of joy
because we want to give honor
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and glory to God.
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Well, communication certainly
is the life blood because if we
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don't communicate with
each other, then we can't convey
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to one another that
we appreciate each other,
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that there's something not
going well in the relationship.
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So it's really important that we
learn how to communicate well.
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But unfortunately,
in so many relationships
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we don't communicate well.
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And one of the things that
we often do in our relationships
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is that we use words that are
destructive to the relationship.
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And we need to always remember
that our words can either
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uplift the relationship
or the other person,
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or it can
degrade the relationship.
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And so, let's take a look at
what the word of God has to say
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in Psalm 19:14.
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It is amazing that scripture
is chock-full of information
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and directives and principles
about how God wants us to live.
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"Let the words of my mouth and
the meditations of my heart... "
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What the psalmist here is saying
and what it conveys to us as
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the people of God, those of
us who want to be one with God,
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who want to be
one with our mate,
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that the words that we speak,
but it goes beyond what we speak
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what we say, the
meditations of my heart.
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In other words,
what I'm thinking about.
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If I think good thoughts,
then I'll say good words.
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And so, we have to
begin with the thought life.
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What am I
thinking about my mate?
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What am I
thinking about my world?
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What am I
thinking about my family?
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And if I'm thinking
something that can give
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honor and glory to God,
then perhaps I can allow that
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to come out of my
system, to come out of my mind
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and into the space so
I can bless someone else.
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"Let the words of my mouth... "
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So good communication is very
important in a relationship.
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Especially relationships
that are going to be strong,
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that are going to be healthy.
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It's important that we
learn to communicate well.
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We can say then, that
communication might be like
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the oil in a machine.
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It keeps
everything running smoothly.
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One of the things that I
often, unfortunately, don't pay
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close attention to
is the oil in my car.
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But I know very quickly
when the oil needs to be changed
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because the car
certainly will tell me
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that it needs to be changed.
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And usually it
needs to be changed
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long before the car tells you.
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If you don't wait until
the car starts telling you
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then you're engine
is going to last longer.
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I usually like to say to
people, every 3000 miles or
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every 5000 miles depending
on the car you're driving.
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And that's not something
that's going to come to you
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just because it's happenstance.
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That's something you're
going to have to plan on.
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It means you need
to be intentional.
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It means you need to pay
attention to when your car
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got an oil change so that
you are watching carefully
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when it's going to change again.
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That's a great metaphor then.
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Because what you're
saying is that we shouldn't wait
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until things go bad
to try to communicate.
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We should be
communicating every day.
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Now sometimes communication
is a little difficult
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and so we need to
learn how to communicate well
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and there are many ways
in which we can do this.
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Another way that we
can describe communication
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is like blood circulation.
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If you're sitting with
your legs under you for too long
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your limbs might go to sleep.
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And then you don't feel them
too well and it's hard to get up
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and walk because
there's just not enough blood
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in your legs, in your limbs.
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And because there's not
enough blood in your limbs,
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they tingle, they feel weak.
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And so,
communication is like that.
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If the blood isn't
circulating then your
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organs don't work well.
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So that's another great metaphor
for our own relationships then.
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If we don't
communicate well, then we
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cut off our relationship.
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We cut off the smooth
functioning of our relationship.
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The life blood
of our relationship.
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And we know if a living
organism is going to do well,
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it has to have the
flowing of blood to each organ.
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Or if we don't do
so, here's what happens.
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I spoke just a
little while ago about
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cutting off the circulation.
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But if we allow that circulation
to be cut off for too long,
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guess what happens.
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Those organs no longer work.
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They atrophy, they rot.
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They quit working
because there hasn't been enough
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blood supplied to them.
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So good
communication is like that.
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Unless you are communicating
well and doing so in a way that
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is nurturing and giving life,
as it were, to the organism,
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pretty soon that relationship
shrivels up and dies.
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Thus in marriage then, we
need to be consistently and
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intentionally talking about
the areas of our relationship
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such as parenting, spirituality,
maybe our finances we need to
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discuss regularly.
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Any area of our relationship.
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Our in-laws, how
do we handle that?
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Where are we
going to take vacation?
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So if we're consistently
talking about the major issues
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of our relationship, or
if we don't talk about them
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then our
relationship will deteriorate.
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Yes, indeed.
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All of these
issues are so parallel
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to the metaphor of the body
that we've been talking about.
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That the body is interconnected,
and certainly what's flowing is
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that blood to give life.
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When you quit talking
about a particular issue
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because something
happened in the relationship,
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we had differences.
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It goes back to what we
spoke about in Genesis 2.
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Back when Adam and
Eve were in the garden and
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all of a sudden things
started going the opposite way.
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They hid, they
covered themselves.
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Why did they cover themselves?
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Because they were different.
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We do that in relationships
and we do that in communication.
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When we have different
thoughts about particular things
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then we keep our
feelings to ourselves.
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And when we do so, we no longer
communicate on that issue.
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And as we go along the different
topics of our lives together,
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the less we talk about them, the
less life our relationship has.
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It's important for us to
understand that the better our
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communication, the greater
our intimacy with one another.
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And we've spoken about creating
oneness in our relationship
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and experiencing true oneness.
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And communication is one
of those vehicles that help us
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on this road to
intimacy, the road to oneness.
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So we need to learn how to
communicate, but as you said,
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so often it becomes difficult,
for whatever reason it is,
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it becomes difficult
for us to communicate.
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And we may feel bashful or
we may feel fear of rejection.
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And so we don't share
and we don't communicate
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because we're afraid of
how it might be perceived
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by the other person.
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What happens when we
have good oil in our system,
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in the car, is that
the engine doesn't knock
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and there are no squeaks
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because all the parts of
the organism are working well.
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When you don't have
that, you do have the knocks,
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you do have the squeaks.
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You don't have the car,
if you will, driving well.
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You could break down at any
moment, and you can break down
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in inadvertent places.
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The same thing happens in
marriage when the levels of
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communication are not good.
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When they're not good,
there are not good feelings
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between the spouses.
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When they're not good,
there's miscommunication,
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the children suffer.
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Somebody doesn't get
picked up at school on time.
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Somebody makes
it to church late.
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Somebody doesn't do
what they're suppose to do.
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So what do we do with
this communication so that
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we can do it the way
God wants us to do it?
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Well, there's specific skills
that we can learn on how to
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communicate well in marriage.
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And one of the things
we have to learn how to do
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is how to give our
partner our undivided attention.
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Turn off the TV, put away
whatever it is, the computer.
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Whatever it is
that we're working on.
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And we've got to give our
partner our undivided attention
00:10:10.43\00:10:13.65
because when we give
someone our undivided attention,
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it invites them
to share with us.
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If you're trying to
speak with me and I'm doing
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five other things, then I am
giving you the impression that
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I'm really not interested
in what you're saying.
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And that certainly is
one of the ways in which we
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restrict communication.
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That usually tends
to happen in marriage.
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We've said earlier on
that none of us are perfect.
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And because we're not perfect,
we're bound to do something that
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hurts the other person, that
the other person misinterprets
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or that we said inadvertently
not knowing that it was hurtful.
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So the longer we
stay in a relationship,
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the more opportunities
we have to do it wrong.
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But it also gives us more
opportunity to get it right.
00:10:56.93\00:11:00.37
And so, I think that one of the
important things about marriage
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is that couples, husbands and
wives, need to be intentional
00:11:05.08\00:11:09.08
about finding out
what is it that their
00:11:09.11\00:11:13.09
spouse responds to well.
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What language, what
metaphors, what tone of voice?
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We come from different families
of origin where the level of
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sound is different.
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In some families, they
speak with loud voices.
00:11:26.68\00:11:29.32
In other families,
they speak in hushed tones.
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If we have two individuals
married to each other
00:11:31.66\00:11:33.70
and one of them came from the
family where it was very loud
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and it was ok, but
now they come together,
00:11:36.79\00:11:38.95
all of a sudden the
person who comes from the family
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where loudness
was not a good thing,
00:11:40.84\00:11:43.52
that person is taken aback.
00:11:43.55\00:11:45.86
So, husbands and wives need
to get to the place where they
00:11:45.89\00:11:49.67
begin to understand each
other better, communicate
00:11:49.70\00:11:53.15
their customs from
their families of origin
00:11:53.18\00:11:56.61
so that they can create their
new reality, their new family
00:11:56.64\00:11:59.59
and agree on the
rules of engagement.
00:11:59.62\00:12:03.05
That way, the communication
is what it needs to be.
00:12:03.08\00:12:06.25
Absolutely, and as you
talk about affirming one another
00:12:06.28\00:12:10.01
and being kind to one another,
we really need to learn how to
00:12:10.04\00:12:13.35
praise one another, to bring out
the best in the other person,
00:12:13.38\00:12:16.41
to talk about what is it
that I appreciate about you.
00:12:16.44\00:12:19.58
So all of this is
laying a foundation
00:12:19.61\00:12:22.31
for good communication.
00:12:22.34\00:12:23.69
When I say to you
that I appreciate you,
00:12:23.72\00:12:27.52
that I really think that there
are great things about you,
00:12:27.55\00:12:30.92
then it opens the
road for us to have
00:12:30.95\00:12:33.70
clear and open communication.
00:12:33.73\00:12:35.49
So we're back to that text that
we started with in this segment.
00:12:35.52\00:12:38.65
"Let the words of my mouth
and the meditations of my heart
00:12:38.68\00:12:43.01
be acceptable in thy sight
00:12:43.04\00:12:45.53
oh Lord, my
strength and my Redeemer. "
00:12:45.56\00:12:48.80
I want to honor God.
00:12:48.83\00:12:50.17
I want to honor my mate,
I want to honor my family.
00:12:50.20\00:12:52.96
So the language I use, the
tone I use, the attitude I have
00:12:52.99\00:12:57.45
needs to be one that
will affirm, will elevate,
00:12:57.48\00:12:59.97
will support, will give
praise, and bring comfort
00:13:00.00\00:13:04.04
to the loved ones in my home.
00:13:04.07\00:13:06.30
It is wonderful to understand
that God has all of these
00:13:06.33\00:13:08.95
principles in scripture.
00:13:08.98\00:13:10.14
And if we pay careful
attention to them, we can
00:13:10.17\00:13:14.80
operationalize them
in our own marriages
00:13:14.83\00:13:17.37
and bring the joy and
the happiness and the peace
00:13:17.40\00:13:21.83
that God wants to
see in each of our homes.
00:13:21.86\00:13:24.62
Well, we're going to
take a break right now
00:13:24.82\00:13:25.99
but we're coming
right back so stick around
00:13:26.02\00:13:27.90
and join us again
right after the break.
00:13:27.93\00:13:30.40
There are many
"How To" books available
00:13:37.98\00:13:40.21
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:40.24\00:13:43.47
How You Can
Build A Better Marriage
00:13:43.50\00:13:45.89
Bible-based, matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:45.92\00:13:49.71
easy to read manner for
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00:13:49.74\00:13:52.66
newlyweds, couples
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00:13:52.69\00:13:55.62
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:55.65\00:13:57.45
Welcome back to our
topic on communication.
00:14:11.96\00:14:14.77
We've titled this
"Communication 411".
00:14:14.80\00:14:17.27
And what we're trying to
share with you is how we can
00:14:17.30\00:14:21.46
increase intimacy
in our relationship by
00:14:21.49\00:14:24.14
strengthening our
communication skills.
00:14:24.17\00:14:26.28
So before the break, we started
talking about certain skills
00:14:26.31\00:14:29.77
that we can use in
healthy communication,
00:14:29.80\00:14:33.39
strengthening our
communication, if you will.
00:14:33.42\00:14:35.30
One of the things that we
said was that we needed to
00:14:35.33\00:14:38.32
give our spouse our
undivided attention.
00:14:38.35\00:14:41.33
That it's really important
that as we begin to communicate,
00:14:41.36\00:14:46.15
if there's
something that we need to say,
00:14:46.18\00:14:47.81
that we put aside anything
00:14:47.84\00:14:52.01
that might block, that might be
a barrier to good communication.
00:14:52.22\00:14:55.73
So for instance, if my spouse
is speaking to me and says,
00:14:55.76\00:14:58.33
"You know, I'd like to talk
with you about this topic. "
00:14:58.36\00:15:00.30
And it may not even be anything
really heavy, but anything;
00:15:00.33\00:15:03.93
"I want to talk to
you about my day. "
00:15:03.96\00:15:05.44
It would be good if I
gave my undivided attention.
00:15:05.47\00:15:10.84
So for instance, if I'm watching
TV, or sewing, or cooking,
00:15:10.87\00:15:15.56
or whatever else it is,
I need to be able to say
00:15:15.59\00:15:18.67
either this is not a good
time and perhaps if you could
00:15:18.70\00:15:21.80
wait 15 or 20 minutes, or
just put it aside and say,
00:15:21.83\00:15:25.79
"You know what, I want to give
you my undivided attention. "
00:15:25.82\00:15:29.71
You know, it reminds me
of earlier in our marriage
00:15:30.46\00:15:34.93
when we would
speak to each other from
00:15:34.96\00:15:36.59
different rooms in the house.
00:15:36.62\00:15:37.93
And it was never a good thing.
00:15:38.33\00:15:40.72
You would be in a different
room, perhaps in the bathroom,
00:15:40.75\00:15:44.91
I'd be in the bedroom and
we'd be talking to each other.
00:15:44.94\00:15:47.74
And my recollection of that
is that most times, we didn't
00:15:47.77\00:15:52.49
quite get what the
other person was saying.
00:15:52.52\00:15:54.17
And we ended up
on different pages.
00:15:54.20\00:15:57.94
Definitely with
mixed signals, right?
00:15:57.97\00:16:00.08
Absolutely, and so we got
to the place where we agreed
00:16:00.11\00:16:03.34
in our relationship, in
our marital relationship that
00:16:03.37\00:16:05.70
we would not
speak to each other from
00:16:05.73\00:16:07.01
different rooms in the house.
00:16:07.04\00:16:08.29
Something as simple as that can
actually change the dynamic of
00:16:08.32\00:16:11.90
your communication.
00:16:11.93\00:16:13.03
Agree that when you speak you're
going to be in the same room,
00:16:13.06\00:16:17.96
you're going to
look at each other,
00:16:17.99\00:16:19.07
and pay attention so
that you're taking in all of
00:16:19.10\00:16:23.31
the nuances
that are taking place
00:16:23.34\00:16:25.78
as your spouse tries to convey.
00:16:25.81\00:16:27.74
It also reminds me of
when our kids were small
00:16:27.77\00:16:30.43
and you would be
having a conversation
00:16:30.46\00:16:32.55
with our son Julian.
00:16:32.58\00:16:33.66
And you would be
cooking or doing something else.
00:16:33.69\00:16:36.76
And he usually would
come right up to your face
00:16:36.79\00:16:38.48
and grab your face and say,
00:16:38.51\00:16:39.67
"Mommy, mommy.
Right here, right here. "
00:16:39.70\00:16:42.02
And basically,
what he wanted you to do
00:16:42.05\00:16:43.58
was to look directly in his eyes
so that you could understand.
00:16:43.61\00:16:46.72
Because I think that there
were times when Julian wanted
00:16:46.75\00:16:48.76
something to happen
and it wasn't happening
00:16:48.79\00:16:50.47
because you were
thinking something else,
00:16:50.50\00:16:52.08
because you were not
really paying attention.
00:16:52.11\00:16:55.03
And so it's important that
if we're going to communicate
00:16:55.06\00:16:57.37
and do so effectively,
that we begin with understanding
00:16:57.40\00:17:01.55
what the other
person is really saying,
00:17:01.58\00:17:03.47
where they're coming from.
00:17:03.50\00:17:04.61
If we don't
understand, we're going to make
00:17:04.64\00:17:06.74
the wrong decision.
00:17:06.77\00:17:08.50
We must begin from a
point of understanding.
00:17:08.53\00:17:12.44
Something else that we
need to do is focus on the
00:17:12.47\00:17:14.81
good qualities
of the other person.
00:17:14.84\00:17:17.19
To affirm the other
person, to praise them
00:17:17.22\00:17:19.52
when they're
doing something well.
00:17:19.55\00:17:20.97
That's another way in which
we can enhance communication.
00:17:21.00\00:17:24.81
It opens the road
for clear communication.
00:17:24.84\00:17:28.02
When you say,
"praise the other person,"
00:17:29.04\00:17:31.32
what are you thinking about?
00:17:31.35\00:17:33.22
Can you paint me a visual?
00:17:33.25\00:17:35.15
Sure, if you do
something good, then I can say,
00:17:35.18\00:17:39.13
"You know sweetheart, I
really appreciated the fact
00:17:39.16\00:17:41.63
that you swept
the kitchen today. "
00:17:41.66\00:17:43.60
"I really appreciated the
fact that you did the dishes. "
00:17:43.63\00:17:48.12
Now someone might be saying,
00:17:48.15\00:17:49.51
"Well, I mean, it's
both of our kitchens.
00:17:49.54\00:17:52.04
So, I mean, why do
I have to thank you
00:17:52.07\00:17:54.45
for doing the kitchen?"
00:17:54.48\00:17:55.45
Because it's the
right thing to do.
00:17:55.46\00:17:57.73
It's a civilized thing to do.
00:17:57.76\00:17:59.79
If I thank you then it
builds endorphins, right?
00:17:59.82\00:18:04.14
And then you feel good about
you, you feel good about me,
00:18:04.17\00:18:08.11
and you feel good about
our relationship so that
00:18:08.14\00:18:11.34
it's much easier
for us to communicate.
00:18:11.37\00:18:14.66
Because remember,
we spoke about the fact
00:18:14.69\00:18:16.46
that communication
sometimes is impeded
00:18:16.49\00:18:19.11
by our fear of rejection.
00:18:19.14\00:18:21.60
If we feel that there is
something that the other person
00:18:21.63\00:18:24.66
is thinking that perhaps is
different than the way we think,
00:18:24.69\00:18:27.96
that we might be
reluctant to share it.
00:18:27.99\00:18:30.70
But if I feel good about
you, if I feel good about our
00:18:30.73\00:18:33.55
relationship, it's a lot
easier for us to communicate.
00:18:33.58\00:18:36.65
I also think that if you
affirm me on something like
00:18:36.68\00:18:39.71
washing dishes when,
well it's my kitchen as well,
00:18:39.74\00:18:42.82
it's our home and I probably
ate from those dishes as well.
00:18:42.85\00:18:46.56
Well, if you say something
nice to me about those dishes,
00:18:46.59\00:18:49.72
my chances of washing those
dishes again are pretty high
00:18:49.75\00:18:53.17
as opposed to if you
said nothing, you ignore me
00:18:53.20\00:18:55.93
you acted like, "Well, you're
suppose to do that anyway. "
00:18:55.96\00:18:58.85
Well, what we're
trying to do in marriage
00:18:58.88\00:19:00.71
is to create good feelings.
00:19:00.74\00:19:02.11
Do not miss any opportunity
from creating good feelings.
00:19:02.14\00:19:07.07
The more good feelings
we create, the better the
00:19:07.10\00:19:09.24
environment of our home.
00:19:09.27\00:19:10.53
The more good feelings
we create, the more we can
00:19:10.56\00:19:13.20
build each other up.
00:19:13.23\00:19:14.35
The more good
feelings we create, the happier
00:19:14.38\00:19:16.98
those who live in the
home are and the easier it is
00:19:17.01\00:19:20.82
to give honor and glory to God.
00:19:20.85\00:19:22.64
Because after all,
that's what marriage is for,
00:19:22.67\00:19:25.33
to give honor and glory to God.
00:19:25.36\00:19:27.44
Absolutely, so in continuing
when talking about our
00:19:27.47\00:19:30.70
good communication skills,
one of the things that we
00:19:30.73\00:19:33.71
have to learn how to,
that we have to learn to do
00:19:33.74\00:19:36.48
is to be assertive, not
aggressive but assertive.
00:19:36.51\00:19:40.28
To tell your mate
what it is you're thinking,
00:19:40.31\00:19:43.09
what you're feeling.
00:19:43.12\00:19:44.09
If I can say to you, "I
feel great when you decide that
00:19:44.10\00:19:49.96
you want to spend the
Sunday afternoon with me and
00:19:49.99\00:19:52.96
give up your football game. "
00:19:52.99\00:19:54.44
You know, I'm being
assertive in sharing my praise.
00:19:54.64\00:19:58.99
But then, it's a lot
easier when I have to say,
00:19:59.02\00:20:02.25
you know, I really feel
hurt when you do "x, y, z".
00:20:02.28\00:20:08.31
And so, I need to learn
how to share my feelings
00:20:08.34\00:20:13.01
and how to be
assertive about my thoughts,
00:20:13.04\00:20:15.43
my emotions, my feelings.
00:20:15.46\00:20:16.93
In other words, what I'm
hearing you say Elaine, is that
00:20:16.96\00:20:19.49
We shouldn't ever get to the
place where we have our spouse
00:20:19.52\00:20:23.22
guessing about where we're
coming from, how we're feeling,
00:20:23.25\00:20:26.59
how this is affecting me.
00:20:26.62\00:20:28.41
But we need to be clear and
assertive by sharing clearly
00:20:28.44\00:20:32.92
and unabashedly what it is
that we're feeling and thinking.
00:20:32.95\00:20:37.04
Right? So that we're not saying,
well you know, we've been
00:20:37.07\00:20:41.07
married for five
years, for ten years.
00:20:41.10\00:20:42.44
You should know
what I'm thinking.
00:20:42.47\00:20:43.56
You should know what I need.
00:20:43.59\00:20:44.69
You should know what I want.
00:20:44.72\00:20:45.69
Lots of couples do
that to their detriment.
00:20:45.72\00:20:48.67
Because, I've spoken to couples
who've been married for 50 years
00:20:48.70\00:20:52.03
and they still can't
read each others thoughts.
00:20:52.06\00:20:56.06
So don't expect your
spouse to read your thoughts.
00:20:56.09\00:21:00.00
Because we're
just not magicians.
00:21:00.03\00:21:02.21
Well that's very true.
00:21:03.39\00:21:04.36
Your spouse will never
be able to read your mind.
00:21:04.37\00:21:07.40
And that's actually a good thing
00:21:07.43\00:21:09.14
because that would be
rather scary, I would think,
00:21:09.17\00:21:13.14
if you were
able to read my mind.
00:21:13.17\00:21:15.16
Another thing that we
want to do in the whole
00:21:15.19\00:21:17.31
transaction of communicating
is avoid criticism.
00:21:17.34\00:21:20.50
Criticism is such a "downer".
00:21:20.53\00:21:23.58
Someone is trying to do
something and most times
00:21:23.61\00:21:26.89
we're trying to do it out
of the goodness of our heart.
00:21:26.92\00:21:28.84
We need to avoid
criticizing our mate.
00:21:28.87\00:21:31.36
Any person can
criticize and put down what
00:21:31.39\00:21:34.77
someone else is doing.
00:21:34.80\00:21:35.89
It takes a wise person
to praise, to build up.
00:21:35.92\00:21:39.43
And since it's our
marriage, I want to build it up.
00:21:39.46\00:21:41.72
Because I'm in it, I'm
a part of the building.
00:21:41.75\00:21:44.21
I'm a part of what's
going to be sustained
00:21:44.24\00:21:46.27
because of what we put into it.
00:21:46.30\00:21:48.05
Yea, and if we have
to criticize, and I'm
00:21:49.06\00:21:50.86
reluctant to use that word,
but if we use it constructively.
00:21:50.89\00:21:55.58
So for instance, I can say
to you, "You know, I really
00:21:55.61\00:21:58.97
appreciate the fact
that you did the laundry.
00:21:59.00\00:22:01.25
I'm just wondering if next
time you can remember to buy
00:22:01.28\00:22:04.54
detergent before we run out. "
00:22:04.57\00:22:07.02
You know, that way I'm
balancing the criticism
00:22:07.05\00:22:10.68
with a praise statement.
00:22:10.71\00:22:12.36
So I'm letting you
know how much I appreciate
00:22:12.39\00:22:14.82
that you've done the laundry,
but I also want you to remember
00:22:14.85\00:22:18.25
that in order to do
laundry we need detergent.
00:22:18.28\00:22:21.02
So, you're being assertive and
you're trying to be positive.
00:22:21.52\00:22:25.21
So, say one good thing
and then the other thing,
00:22:25.24\00:22:28.53
which is not a bad
thing but it's a real thing.
00:22:28.56\00:22:30.25
If we have no detergent,
we can't do the laundry.
00:22:30.28\00:22:33.29
So, "Thank you and
next time could you get
00:22:33.32\00:22:36.27
some detergent as well?"
00:22:36.30\00:22:37.83
What about another
point on this whole thing
00:22:37.86\00:22:41.11
of communicating well?
00:22:41.14\00:22:42.30
Communicating well, we
need to listen to understand.
00:22:42.60\00:22:45.62
So it's really essential
that when we are listening
00:22:45.65\00:22:49.12
to our mate, that
we're seeking understanding.
00:22:49.15\00:22:52.16
I think it's
Stephen Covey that says,
00:22:52.19\00:22:53.97
"Seek first to understand,
then to be understood. "
00:22:54.00\00:22:57.98
"Seek first to understand,
then to be understood. "
00:22:58.01\00:23:00.57
So when I'm
listening to you, I am seeking
00:23:00.60\00:23:03.62
understanding from you.
00:23:03.65\00:23:05.60
I'm not trying to rebut,
I'm not trying to defend myself.
00:23:05.63\00:23:09.60
I'm not trying to
judge your statement.
00:23:09.63\00:23:11.20
I'm not trying to figure
out what I'm going to say
00:23:11.23\00:23:14.07
when you're finished speaking.
00:23:14.10\00:23:15.76
I'm seriously listening
to hear what you have to say.
00:23:15.79\00:23:20.15
And when I do that,
I'm looking at your eyes.
00:23:20.18\00:23:22.99
And I'm trying
to read your heart.
00:23:23.02\00:23:25.60
And I'm trying to decipher what
it is you're trying to say to me
00:23:25.63\00:23:29.87
so that I can truly understand,
not trying to get you to
00:23:29.90\00:23:33.85
understand me.
00:23:33.88\00:23:34.97
I think another point in
effective communication is
00:23:35.00\00:23:38.88
to, let's see,
well use "I" statements.
00:23:38.91\00:23:43.17
But more than that,
to use active listening.
00:23:43.20\00:23:46.36
And active
listening is like this.
00:23:46.39\00:23:49.57
When you say something, instead
of saying, "You said so and so,"
00:23:49.60\00:23:53.88
I would say, "I heard
you say thus and so. "
00:23:53.91\00:23:57.33
The reason why
that's so important is that
00:23:57.36\00:24:00.59
perhaps what I heard you
say is not what you really said.
00:24:00.62\00:24:03.41
And if you said something
and I said, "Well you said
00:24:03.44\00:24:05.97
so and so," it becomes
antagonistic, confrontational.
00:24:06.00\00:24:11.01
"Well you said so and so. "
00:24:11.32\00:24:12.35
And you may say, "No
that's not what I said. "
00:24:12.38\00:24:14.14
It's easier to say, "I
heard you say so and so. "
00:24:14.17\00:24:18.61
And then you can say
to me, "Well, that's not
00:24:18.64\00:24:20.57
exactly what I said. "
00:24:20.60\00:24:21.57
And I can say, "Well,
can you tell me again?"
00:24:21.67\00:24:23.13
But if you say,
"You said so and so,"
00:24:23.16\00:24:26.58
all of a sudden,
that's confrontational.
00:24:26.61\00:24:28.26
and people say, "Well,
that's not what I said. "
00:24:28.29\00:24:29.73
And so, active listening is
mirroring, summarizing what the
00:24:29.76\00:24:35.15
other person said so that
you can be on the same page.
00:24:35.18\00:24:37.65
And it gives the
person an opportunity to say,
00:24:37.68\00:24:39.89
"Yes, that's what I meant. "
Or "Yes, that's what I said. "
00:24:39.92\00:24:41.99
Or "No, that's not
exactly what I said. "
00:24:42.02\00:24:43.88
And you can right size
and get your communication
00:24:43.91\00:24:46.47
back on track again.
00:24:46.50\00:24:48.46
I think a good example of that,
that we've used in the past is,
00:24:49.26\00:24:52.82
someone calls home, let's
say it's a man in this instance,
00:24:52.85\00:24:57.20
and calls home, the wife happens
to get home first from work.
00:24:57.23\00:25:00.18
And he says, "So
what's for dinner tonight?"
00:25:00.21\00:25:03.08
And he thinks, and she thinks...
00:25:03.11\00:25:07.07
And she immediately
thinks, "Oh, well why do I have
00:25:07.10\00:25:11.45
to be the one to cook dinner?"
00:25:11.48\00:25:12.59
And he might be thinking,
"Would you like to go out
00:25:12.62\00:25:16.57
to dinner tonight?"
00:25:16.60\00:25:17.59
Correct, and so if
the person had mirrored
00:25:17.62\00:25:20.97
what the person said
which is, "So you're saying
00:25:21.00\00:25:25.74
you want me to cook?"
00:25:25.77\00:25:28.39
Then the person will
have an opportunity to say,
00:25:28.42\00:25:30.81
"No, that's not
what I mean at all.
00:25:30.84\00:25:32.22
I mean, where would you like
to go out to dinner tonight?"
00:25:32.25\00:25:35.78
You know, you have a favorite
restaurant, perhaps at Manna.
00:25:35.81\00:25:38.36
Or someplace like that.
00:25:38.39\00:25:39.84
And it totally
changes the dialogue.
00:25:39.87\00:25:42.23
It totally changes the
communication and it frees it
00:25:42.26\00:25:45.35
of any animosity or resentment
00:25:45.38\00:25:47.36
when we practice
good communication skills.
00:25:47.39\00:25:50.01
We also need to avoid
blaming each other for anything.
00:25:50.04\00:25:52.62
Communication is
not about blaming.
00:25:52.65\00:25:54.38
Communication is about
trying to accurately understand
00:25:54.41\00:25:58.00
where the other
person is coming from.
00:25:58.03\00:25:59.96
Because, we need to behave
from a point of understanding
00:25:59.99\00:26:03.98
rather than one
of no understanding.
00:26:04.01\00:26:06.85
Right. Well, this whole
thing of communication is
00:26:08.34\00:26:11.51
pretty challenging
and it's pretty difficult.
00:26:11.54\00:26:13.39
And if couples are
having difficulty communicating,
00:26:13.42\00:26:16.43
there are a lot of wonderful
books that are Christian books
00:26:16.46\00:26:19.92
that can teach
us specific skills.
00:26:19.95\00:26:22.48
Of course, the
Bible is very clear
00:26:22.51\00:26:25.15
about how to communicate well.
00:26:25.18\00:26:27.12
And there are lots of wonderful
texts in the Bible that will
00:26:27.15\00:26:29.49
teach us and show us
how to be good listeners,
00:26:29.52\00:26:32.63
how to speak so
that people what to hear.
00:26:32.66\00:26:35.27
There are wonderful
ways, different techniques that
00:26:35.30\00:26:39.62
we can use in
communicating well.
00:26:39.65\00:26:41.74
Well, I liked to
share with them that if
00:26:41.77\00:26:44.10
they're looking for a place
to learn how to communicate well
00:26:44.13\00:26:46.54
to go to a marriage conference.
00:26:46.57\00:26:47.68
Go to our website at
adventistfamilyministries. com
00:26:47.71\00:26:50.27
and learn where
we're going to have
00:26:50.30\00:26:51.57
another marriage conference.
00:26:51.60\00:26:52.70
And you can come and learn
how to communicate effectively.
00:26:52.73\00:26:56.27
In the Bible, in
James 1:19 it says:
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And the power of courtesy, Ellen
White has something to say.
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And what is it she says?
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So this communication
thing is very important.
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When we do it
well, we can honor God.
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When we don't, it
can be problematic.
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The promise of success is, "We
can do all things through Christ
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who gives us strength. "
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So let's stress
God. Let's read His word.
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Let's communicate well.
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God bless you.
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