Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000061
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:34 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:40 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:41 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted you've taken this time to join us. 00:48 God expects that certain things should happen in marriage 00:53 and only in marriage. 00:55 Sexuality is one of those things. 00:57 And we're going to be talking to you today about 01:01 the truth about sexuality. 01:03 It's meant for married people, and God gave it as a gift to us 01:09 for our joy, for our good, for our growth. 01:12 The wonderful thing about sexuality that God has 01:15 given us lots of counsel about is that He 01:18 expects that it's something that would be unique 01:22 to the marriage relationship. 01:24 And that's what's so special. 01:25 That He thought so highly about marriage 01:28 that He would give this special gift. 01:30 Keep in mind though, that He expects that 01:32 sexuality in marriage would be respectful. 01:35 That it would take into consideration both parties 01:39 and it would not be an act that is self serving or selfish. 01:43 Also the fact that sexuality was meant to be beautiful, 01:47 it was meant to be exciting. 01:49 Because God didn't just make it just for the sake of it. 01:52 He didn't make it for it to be a necessary evil. 01:56 He was intentional about sexuality. 01:59 Giving it to marriage as a gift. 02:01 And not only that, every detail of sexuality that God designed, 02:05 He did so on purpose. 02:07 So that His plan of oneness in marriage can come to fruition. 02:14 Well like I said, there are so many wonderful text in the Bible 02:16 and we'd like to start with Proverbs 5:18-20. 02:42 It is obvious that God was very clear and distinct 02:47 about what should happen in sexuality. 02:49 First of all, He wanted it to be a marriage. 02:51 And then of course, He said 02:53 "rejoice in the wife of your youth. " 02:56 When I think of this passage, I think that God is 02:59 specifically saying whoever was the wife of your youth 03:02 should still be your wife today. 03:04 And that would make sense, since in marriage 03:07 God wants it to be forever. 03:10 It says, "What God has joined together, 03:12 let no one separate. " 03:14 So when God is saying, "rejoice in the wife of your youth", 03:17 there is an assumption, someone would say, 03:20 that you're no longer young. 03:22 But you're still rejoicing in the wife of your youth. 03:25 Well that can almost be said of me, and even though I 03:28 don't want to say you're no longer young, darling. 03:30 I mean, we've been married for almost twenty-five year. 03:33 So I think we are no longer considered youth. 03:37 We're still youthful though. 03:40 And I like to believe that we're rejoicing 03:42 because of God's goodness to us. 03:44 I like to think so as well. 03:46 There certainly are a lot of instances where God shows that 03:49 sexuality is to play a very major role 03:53 in the marriage relationship and it's not to take a back seat. 03:56 If He intended for it only to be for procreation, 04:01 He would not have given us scripture that talks about 04:05 the kind of relationship, the type of sexual relationship 04:09 a couple should have. 04:11 Well, it's interesting that the language scripture uses 04:14 in this opening text that we just employed, 04:17 is very graphic. 04:18 Some people might be put off by it. 04:20 But it reminds me that God is a real person. 04:24 That He's a real God. 04:26 That what He did, He intended for our joy. 04:28 And what He did, He was very explicit about. 04:31 You know, everything God has given for our good, 04:37 Satan has come in and has come up with a counterfeit. 04:40 Remember, marriage is the first institution established 04:44 by God at creation. 04:45 And then after that, the Sabbath. 04:48 And ever since the beginning of time, Satan has been angry 04:52 at marriage and at the Sabbath. 04:55 Everything God gives for our good, for our joy, 04:59 he tries to denigrate it. 05:00 Everything God gives us to bless us, 05:03 he tries to come up with a counterfeit. 05:06 But scripture is clear that God intended for sexuality to 05:11 be squarely contextualized in marriage, 05:15 and He wanted it to be fun. 05:17 He uses the word rejoice. 05:19 I mean to rejoice, you have to be happy. 05:22 To rejoice, you have to be having a good time. 05:24 To rejoice, you need to be enjoying the experience. 05:27 So obviously, God intended for sexuality to be joyful, 05:33 to be happy, to be respectful, to be a building block 05:37 for the marriage relationship. 05:41 So then, we can glean from scripture that God is 05:43 pretty positive and enthusiastic about 05:45 sexual relations in the marriage. 05:48 Indeed, and He expects it to be good. 05:53 You know, it's not a half-hearted notion 05:58 or half-hearted gift. 06:00 It's a real gift. 06:01 The problem is that, as I said earlier, every time God 06:05 has given humankind a gift, something good, 06:09 in fact something very good, as He spoke about marriage 06:13 in creation week, Satan always tries 06:17 to come up with a counterfeit. 06:18 And we see that happening today in the proliferation 06:22 of electronic pornography and also in the print media. 06:29 That God intended for sexuality to be a beautiful thing. 06:34 Something that would bring husband and wife together 06:38 in oneness, not only physical oneness but emotional oneness 06:42 and even spiritual oneness. 06:44 Because everything about marriage is holy and spiritual, 06:49 because God made it that way. 06:50 God is spirit, and everything He does, 06:53 He does it out of a spiritual perspective. 06:56 So when we see what has happened to sexuality 07:01 in the secular world, we have to know that Satan is around 07:06 and well, and interfering in the affairs of God. 07:10 Pornography has come in to distort, has come in to destroy 07:17 the beauty of sexuality in marriage. 07:19 Many studies have suggested, that have been done recently, 07:24 that not only is this proliferating in secular society 07:28 but pornography is also proliferating among 07:32 people who call themselves Christians. 07:34 Christian workers, Christian leaders. 07:37 And it's a little scary. 07:39 You know, where are we going with this? 07:41 That means that Satan is so powerful in the way 07:44 he has diverted our attention from God's ideal. 07:48 It's important for Christians to recognize 07:50 that if we're going to do marriage, 07:51 we've got to do it God's way. 07:53 To do it God's way, we have to rely on God's power. 07:56 To rely on God's power, we have to have a daily communion 08:00 and connection with Him. 08:03 And we certainly have to be rooted in God's word. 08:06 And Go, as we said earlier, provides so much counsel for us 08:11 on how to have sexual relations, first of all. 08:15 I mean, He doesn't give us every fine detail. 08:17 But just talking about the respectfulness 08:19 of the relationship and how to stay away from immorality. 08:22 And I think 1 Corinthians says it really well. 08:25 1 Corinthians 7:2 where the Bible says: 08:36 Elaine, I don't know what you see here, 08:38 but I see a number of things. 08:40 One, I see that God is saying that each man is to have a wife 08:45 and each woman is to have a husband. 08:47 Clearly, men are to have wives and women are to have husbands. 08:51 I think that's clear from the text. 08:53 I see that, I see that from the text. 08:55 I also see from the text that God is saying, 08:58 because of immorality He knows that Satan is in the land. 09:02 He knows that sexuality is such a wonderful gift 09:05 that Satan will try to denigrate it, that Satan will try to 09:11 give it a new spin, one that would not honor God, 09:14 but dishonor God. 09:15 Everything God has given us to honor Him, 09:17 Satan has come up with something that dishonors God. 09:20 So God is trying to protect us. 09:22 He's trying to protect us because He knows 09:24 that even though this is a beautiful gift and was intended 09:28 as such, that it could be misconstrued, 09:32 And we could use it in ways that are not going to be beneficial 09:36 to our relationship. 09:38 And it's so powerful where it says, 09:40 "each one should have their own. " 09:42 Each man should have his own wife. 09:44 Each woman should have her own husband. 09:47 So in other words, I belong to you and you belong to me. 09:51 And nothing else should invade that relationship. 09:55 God is very clear that anything that deviates from a man 09:58 with his wife or a woman with her husband 10:01 is contrary to God's plan. 10:04 So God is clear. 10:05 He wants people to know that when it comes to sexuality, 10:08 He made it to be consummated in a union 10:12 of one man and one woman. 10:14 Why? Because when we come together in sexual oneness, 10:18 we in many ways become one. 10:21 Physically one, but also spiritually one. 10:24 And also emotionally one. 10:26 You know, women understand this better than men, 10:29 that for sexuality to be meaningful and to be good 10:32 you have to be emotionally connected 10:34 and spiritually connected. 10:36 Sometimes we men don't understand that very clearly, 10:39 very easily. 10:40 And the older I've become and the more I've read scripture, 10:43 and the more I've studied this issue, 10:45 I recognize how God wants us to be kind and compassionate, 10:51 and to be organically connected. 10:55 And it's not just singularly, it has multiple layers; 11:00 physical, spiritual, and emotional. 11:04 Because we are a unit as human beings. 11:11 Perhaps what we need to do as Christians too, is not only 11:14 revisit what God's plan is for sexuality, but we may have to 11:19 unlearn some of the faulty notions that we may have 11:23 learned growing up in the church, or maybe 11:25 what our parents taught us. 11:26 We know for a fact that many parents are very uncomfortable 11:30 speaking with their children about sexuality. 11:33 And so what happens is our children are getting 11:37 their lessons on sexuality from books or magazines that 11:42 may not support God's plan for sexuality. 11:45 Or on the street from people who have no idea 11:49 of what God's plan was for marriage. 11:53 And so maybe we've had a taboo on sexuality when clearly God 11:57 is so enthusiastic and excited about sexuality. 12:01 But we have put this cloud over sexuality, in the church even, 12:07 where too often it become a burden, and it becomes 12:12 a source of conflict for couples in marriage. 12:15 It's something that you just hush about, 12:17 you don't say very much about. 12:18 Let's see what else the scripture has to say in the 12:20 book of Songs of Solomon 1:16, it says: 12:32 This is God speaking, and then there's another text. 12:34 And the other text is found in Songs of Solomon 7:10, 12:38 and it says: 12:45 Clearly, from these verses in scripture, 12:47 God knows what He wants us to know about sexuality. 12:51 He wants it to be good, He wants it to be joyous, 12:54 He wants it to be vibrant. 12:55 "Our bed is green. " Not dry, it's green. 12:59 Well we have much more that we'd like to say about sexuality 13:02 and we're going to be talking more about it. 13:04 We're getting ready to go to break. 13:06 And as we talk about this, recognize that 13:10 God has a special plan for us. 13:12 And because of this special plan, 13:15 if we are connected with God's special plan, 13:17 it's going to be good for our lives 13:19 and it's going to be good for our marriage. 13:29 There are many "How To" books available. 13:31 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:34 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:37 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:41 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:43 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:46 and everyone in between Call or write for your copy. 14:03 Welcome back to our topic on sexuality in marriage. 14:06 So thus far, we've been talking about God's plan 14:10 for sexuality in marriage. 14:11 And one of the things that you've brought out very clearly, 14:14 Willie, is that God was exuberant when He 14:17 designed marriage and when he gave us the gift of sexuality. 14:21 Sexuality then, becomes one of the most intimate acts 14:27 of marriage, precisely why God meant it specifically 14:31 for marriage and for marriage alone. 14:33 Because it gives us the ultimate in understanding 14:37 the oneness that God talks about in marriage. 14:41 We've been talking about the fact that marriage is the 14:44 only relationship under the sun where one human being 14:48 will be one with another human being. 14:51 I'm not one with my dad. I'm not one with my mom. 14:54 Certainly not with my children. 14:56 But I'm only one with my spouse. 14:57 And God intends for it to be this way. 15:00 It's a holy thing. It's a special thing. 15:03 And God creates sexuality as a gift for people who are married. 15:08 So that they can enjoy their marriage. 15:11 So that they can understand what He means when He says 15:14 He wants them to be one. 15:16 And literally one. 15:18 In fact even the way God created men and He created women, 15:23 He created them to be compatible in the love making act. 15:27 That's why God says each man to have his own wife, 15:32 and each woman to have her own husband. 15:35 Not biased against anyone, just biased to the will of God. 15:40 And if we are in God's will, especially as it relates 15:44 to marriage and sexuality, our marriage can be blessed. 15:48 We can have a great time, and we can find a place to really 15:54 have joy in the relationship that God has given to us. 15:57 Absolutely, and God is also very clear that there is to be 16:00 mutuality in sexuality as well. 16:04 And in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, this is what He has to say 16:08 about mutuality in sexual relations. 16:42 What's wonderful about this text is that it's very clear 16:45 that it's not one sided. 16:47 God isn't saying that the wife's body belongs to the husband 16:52 and ends there. 16:53 He also says that the husbands body belongs to the wife. 16:57 And He's showing the mutuality that He intends 17:01 for our relationships. 17:02 And that's very powerful because I think it's become a little 17:06 distorted in the real world in our lives where it's sometimes 17:12 a little one sided. 17:13 But God makes it very clear how He wants us to behave 17:16 in marriage, in sexual relationships. 17:20 Well, it goes right back to Genesis when God made 17:23 Adam and Eve, and He brought the man and the woman 17:25 and they became one flesh. 17:27 One flesh... imagine. One flesh. 17:30 What does that mean? 17:31 If they're one flesh, then they are the same. 17:34 The same in that they both have value. 17:37 They both have regard, certainly by God. 17:41 So when God allows for the apostle Paul to write 17:45 in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, that there's mutuality in marriage, 17:50 certainly mutuality in sexuality, 17:52 it says something to us about God. 17:54 It says that God wants us to have fair play 17:58 in our marriage relationships. 18:01 Invariably, sometimes culturally, we tend to have men 18:06 in charge of women. 18:08 And right here, it clearly shows that that's not the case. 18:12 That there is mutuality. That it's a two-way street. 18:15 That the husband's body belongs to the wife, 18:18 and the wife's body belongs to the husband. 18:20 Why? Of course, because they're married. 18:24 Because they're in this unit, this holy unit 18:27 that God has devised. 18:29 I also like the fact that it speaks about the fact 18:32 that we shouldn't deprive one another. 18:35 In the world, many times sexuality in marriage 18:39 is a power play. 18:40 Somebody is using something for power, 18:43 to hold power over the other one. 18:46 And in the vernacular, in the common vernacular we 18:51 invariably hear about women holding sexuality as a 18:55 power play over men. 18:57 "Well, if you don't do this, nothing is going to happen. " 19:00 But that's not what God is saying. 19:02 God is saying that marriage is to be a relationship 19:06 of mutuality. 19:07 Mutual caring, mutual love, respect, honor, and beauty 19:13 between a man and his wife, between a woman and her husband. 19:18 Well, when we read the text and when we see all that God 19:21 has planned for sexuality, and He was very intentional 19:25 about it, it was not by accident. 19:27 You said earlier about the fact that He designed our bodies 19:30 just so, so that we will complement each other. 19:33 So He's given us the gift of sexuality, and I like to say 19:37 then it's a gift that we give to each other. 19:39 It's a gift that we give to each other. 19:41 And if we can get on the same page and we recognize 19:45 that it's not a weapon, or it's not a weapon of dominance, 19:51 then we recognize that this is about us, 19:54 this is about our relationship. 19:56 About giving to each other. What we feel for each other. 19:58 It's about giving and receiving. 20:00 And truly, it is better to give than to receive. 20:02 And if we're both going into the relationship that way, 20:05 then we both benefit greatly. 20:07 And you know, the other thing that I want to stress 20:10 very clearly as we have this conversation 20:12 about this topic, that even though the word of God 20:15 is very clear about what God intends for sexuality in 20:19 marriage, we need to be careful not to ever use the Bible 20:23 as a weapon. 20:24 So, we shouldn't come to our spouse and say, "Well look, 20:28 this is what it says in 1 Corinthians 7 20:30 that you should not deprive me. " 20:32 Because that's not going to go over very well. 20:35 for sexual relations in the relationship. 20:38 And at the same time, the scripture is clear. 20:41 It says, "Do not deprive each other", 20:43 I like what it says, "except by mutual agreement 20:47 for a time, so that you might devote yourself to prayer. " 20:51 Somebody might be funny and say, "Well you know, 20:54 how long can you pray? And it's by mutual consent. " 20:58 What I think God is saying here is, 21:00 don't hold it as a weapon over each other. 21:03 Talk about it, be on the same page about it. 21:06 Be of one accord. 21:08 Be agreed on, and how you're going to negotiate 21:12 the whole matter of sexuality in your own marriage. 21:15 Why? So that one person is not in charge, 21:18 or the other person isn't in charge. 21:19 Or the other isn't holding it over the other one's head. 21:22 But it's a togetherness. 21:24 Because that's what marriage is. 21:25 It's togetherness. 21:27 Husband together with wife, and wife together with husband. 21:30 And it's just another vehicle to the oneness 21:33 that God intends for our marriages. 21:35 And so if we look at it in that regard, then it becomes 21:38 a point of pleasure, it becomes a joyous thing, 21:41 it becomes a fun part of our marriage. 21:45 So we recognize that this is not a burden, 21:48 but it is an enjoyable part of the marriage relationship. 21:52 There's also something else that it said in the text 21:55 towards the end there in verse 5. 21:57 And it's speaking about the fact you're going to agree 22:00 by mutual consent to stop the sexual relations for prayer. 22:08 In other words, it's saying life is not only about sex. 22:11 Life is also about remembering that God gave you sex. 22:14 So you're praying to God, you're thanking God. 22:17 And by praying and by putting prayer in there, 22:20 it makes the whole context of sexuality a spiritual thing. 22:26 Spiritual thing... God gave it to us, so it's spiritual. 22:29 But there's something else. 22:31 You're doing it, and you're coming back together 22:33 so that you're not tempted. 22:35 God knew that despite the fact that this was a holy gift 22:39 that Satan would try to use it as a destruction of humankind. 22:46 And so He says, come back together 22:48 lest you be tempted and fall. 22:50 Why come back together? 22:52 Well, because someone might become careless and feel, 22:54 "Well you know, I need to take a break. " 22:56 By mutual consent, by mutual consent. 23:00 Why? So that you're on the same page. 23:02 So that you are together on this matter. 23:04 So that there's no temptation and no immorality. 23:08 So that we can give honor and glory to God. 23:13 Well, let's share some tips that come from the word of God, 23:17 but we've presented them in a way that is more 23:21 practical, I shouldn't say more practical, because God's word 23:24 is very practical. 23:25 But perhaps our audience can relate to the fact that 23:31 we've got to make the time. 23:32 And God is saying that very clearly in that text I believe. 23:36 That we've got to make the time for each other. 23:38 And we've said this so many times 23:40 in so many of our other segments, 23:43 where we've talked about putting the relationship first, 23:47 making our marriage a priority. 23:49 And that's the only way we're going to preserve 23:53 sexual oneness in marriage is if we make the time for each other. 23:56 There's something else we need to do on this 23:58 beyond just making the time. 23:59 Preserve the time from conflict. 24:02 This is not the time to talk about 24:04 things that you don't like. 24:05 This is not the time to talk about taking out the garbage. 24:08 This is not the time to talk about bills. 24:10 This is not the time to talk about the children. 24:11 It's a time to engage in the gift of God. 24:16 So, protect the time from conflict. 24:19 Let it be a Sabbath, a time of sanctification. 24:22 for the relationship. 24:24 Remember also that improving your spiritual and emotional 24:28 connection will also improve your physical connection. 24:31 So it's really important for couples to be 24:34 working all realms of oneness. 24:36 And the more we spend time together, 24:39 the more that we nurture each other, 24:41 the more our physical oneness will be nurtured and 24:44 we will be greater connected to one another. 24:46 Another point is to pay attention to being affectionate. 24:50 Not only in the sexual play but throughout the day 24:54 in your relationship with your spouse 24:55 so that you really have a good relationship. 24:57 It's not only about being gratified sexually 25:00 but it's about having a good marriage. 25:02 It's about really enjoying your mate and respecting your mate. 25:05 And trying to make your relationship good. 25:09 It's also important for us to be able to communicate our desires. 25:13 To be able to talk to one another. 25:14 To say what we like, what we don't like. 25:17 And it's really important that we're respectful of one another. 25:21 If someone says that they don't like a particular act 25:25 then we probably should not do it in our marriage 25:29 relationship, or any other relationship for that matter. 25:32 And of course, part of the marriage relationship is to 25:36 communicate to your spouse that he or she is valued. 25:38 That you love them, that you care for them, 25:41 that you appreciate them. 25:42 It's a part of the oneness that God expects 25:45 to take place in marriage. 25:47 Value, appreciation. 25:49 And not only because you want to engage in the sexual act. 25:53 But because you really care and want to nurture each other. 25:57 We can also learn to be passionate and creative. 26:00 And we can do that by reading good Christian books on the 26:05 topic and there's so many out there. 26:07 But especially the Bible. 26:09 When we read the Song of Solomon, 26:11 it is very clear that there are two lovers in this book who 26:15 love and appreciate each other, and who respect each other. 26:18 And what I have always found interesting in this book 26:21 is that they're not just engaged in the act, 26:24 they're talking to each other. 26:26 They're sweet talking each other. 26:28 They're being affection with each other. 26:30 So there's so much that we can glean from the Bible 26:33 on the topic of sexuality. 26:35 They're actually flirting, aren't they? 26:36 They're flirting with each other. 26:38 They're having a good time. 26:39 Absolutely. 26:40 And it's more than just the act of sexuality, 26:42 but it's the act of being married and enjoying your mate. 26:46 Absolutely. 26:47 What does Ellen White have to say on this topic? 26:49 Ellen White in Happiness Homemade has this to say. 27:15 So God wants us to do marriage in a way that will not 27:19 only give us joy, but bring honor and glory to Him. 27:23 For us to be able to do so, we need to trust Him. 27:26 And so I am always delighted that we have the 27:29 promise of success. 27:30 Philippians 4:13, "We can do all things 27:32 through Christ who gives us strength. " 27:35 And if we trust Him and give our relationships to Him 27:38 and place them in His hands, 27:40 we're going to have a wonderful time in marriage. |
Revised 2014-12-17