Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry.
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And a Marriage
and Family Consultant
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted you
could join us today.
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Today we're going to be talking
about a topic we've titled
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"Forgive or Forget"
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In every marriage,
there is some rain that falls.
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Sooner or later, someone
does something or says something
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that upsets his or her partner.
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Because there are
no perfect people,
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there are no perfect marriages.
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And whether or not I
am doing it on purpose,
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if I live long enough and
I stay married long enough,
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I'm going to say
something or do something
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that Elaine doesn't like.
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Well forgiveness
certainly is a vital ingredient
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in maintaining
oneness in marriage.
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When I was a kid and
going through the Bible
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and studying the
Bible and learning about the
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concept of forgiveness, I
remember when I first came
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across the text about
forgive seventy times seven.
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And at the time, I did not
know multiplication that well.
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And I just thought, wow,
that's a lot of forgiveness.
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Seventy times seven.
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And that's exactly what
God intends for us to do.
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Imagine if, as a child I didn't
know, it just seemed infinite.
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That is exactly
what God intends for us
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when He talks about forgiveness.
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And that's what
God wants us to know.
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That's the attitude
He wants us to have.
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To recognize
that He forgives us.
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He's forgiven us and
because He's forgiven us,
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we ought to forgive one another.
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Because that is
the nature of God.
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And if we want to be
like God and we want to have
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Godly marriages, we
want to follow Gods way,
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we want to follow Gods lead,
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we want to do it
the way He does it.
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And God certainly does provide
us with a lot of scripture
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on the topic of forgiveness.
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And we're going to start with
one from the book of Luke 6:37.
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It appears to me
that what God is saying is
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you really have no right to hold
it against your husband or wife.
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You really have no right to
withhold forgiveness because,
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"I have forgiven
you multiple times.
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In fact, I have
forgiven you so many times,
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I have chosen not to remember.
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And when you
confess, I throw your sins
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to the depths of the sea. "
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So, when you're in
marriage where being God like...
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that's what marriage is like.
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It's a reflection of the
Godhead, the oneness of God;
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Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
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That is also what
happens with husbands and wives.
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We are one, and like
Jesus and the church, one.
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That union
needs to be reflective
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of what happens in the Godhead.
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And we have the word of God
to lead us in understanding this
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forgiveness and
how we can do it.
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Ephesians 4:32 also says to us:
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And that's exactly
what you've been saying
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about the fact that
God forgives us every day.
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And we do have a responsibility
to forgive our spouse.
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We know that inevitably
there is going to be some wrong
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that is done to
the other person.
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Whether it's on purpose, or most
often than not, not on purpose.
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And so there is going to
be a need for forgiveness
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in our relationship.
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Well, what I think
God is saying is that
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if you're in a Christian
marriage, forgiveness needs
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to be a part of your culture.
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Forgiveness needs to
be a part of what you do,
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how you
negotiate your relationship
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because we're fallible.
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And because we're fallible
and because we make mistakes,
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the more forgiveness
is a part of the fiber,
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the fabric of our marriage,
the easier it is going to be
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to negotiate having a
marriage that's secure,
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having a
marriage that's nurturing,
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having a marriage that
can bring a peace and joy
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to our children as well.
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Do you think that's what the
Bible is saying in Luke 17:3-4?
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Yea, you know this
whole notion of "rebuke him"
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is important.
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And the reason it's important
is because it's saying,
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just because someone
does something against you
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doesn't mean you
quickly forgive and
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let it go like
if nothing happened.
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Well, what the
Bible is saying is,
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if your brother does
something against you,
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and this could be a
brother or your husband,
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or your sister or your wife, if
they do something against you,
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bring it to their attention.
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You know, it's
something wrong; rebuking.
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And the rebuking
here is not being angry.
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It's not yelling,
it's not shouting.
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The rebuking here is just
bringing it to his attention,
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bringing it to her attention.
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And if you bring
it to his attention,
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and if you bring
it to her attention,
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and he repents, and she repents,
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forgive him, forgive her.
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This is what God is saying
because this is the way of God.
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Wanting people to get to
the place where they recognize
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that they have
done something wrong
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and they want to make it right.
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Absolutely, I think there's one
more text that we should share.
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The Bible is just replete
with text on forgiveness.
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Matthew 6:14.
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It's like there's an implication
that if you don't forgive others
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their transgressions,
that God the Father
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is not going to forgive you.
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It's saying, you make mistakes
as a human being every day.
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Well I know there's
some people who say,
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"I didn't sin today. "
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Well you know, I'm not
sure that I'm prepared to
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say that about myself.
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I think that we sin in
thought, we sin by commission
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and omission.
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Whether or not we plan to
sin or we plan to do something
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that is not exactly what
God wants us to do, we do.
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Does it mean that
in our sanctified lives
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we cannot get to the
place where we are one with God
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and we're on the
same page with Christ?
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Of course.
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But what God is saying
is that as human beings,
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more often than not,
something is going to be said
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something is going to be
done that's not appropriate
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that needs forgiveness.
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And if you're not
willing to forgive your mate,
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if you're not willing to
forgive your husband or wife,
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why are you
expecting God to forgive you?
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After all, that's
a double standard.
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And Christians should
not have double standards.
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Christians should know what
they believe, why they believe,
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and then live
according to those beliefs.
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Well, let's explore a little bit
on exactly what forgiveness is.
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Because we're
always asked to forgive.
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And it's like you were saying
earlier that if someone asks
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you to forgive, then
you should forgive them.
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Based on what the Bible,
the word of God is saying.
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So what is this forgiveness?
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What is the
definition of forgiveness?
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Well one of the definitions that
we have is when someone gives up
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their perceived right or their
desire to punish someone else.
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You give up what you believe
is your right or your desire
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to punish someone.
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Someone has done something
to me and it was awful.
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It was a terrible thing.
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And now I feel that I
have the right to punish them.
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When I forgive, I
give up that right
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to punish the other person.
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So then, the
picture of forgiveness is
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that of a cancelled debt.
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You know, I like that picture.
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I like that picture because,
well let's say we all have bills
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and we need to pay them.
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Whether it's your car note
or whether it's a mortgage,
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or whatever it is, or
whether you're buying something
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or you owe something.
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And God tells us to
be very careful with
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our finances so we don't owe.
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You know, we're
careful when we're buying.
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But invariably in this
economy in which we live,
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we're going to owe something.
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Now imagine my mortgage
is due in two or three days.
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And my mortgage holder
sends me a note and says
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you don't have to
pay it this month.
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That's huge.
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Wow, can you
imagine that? That's huge.
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That's huge,
that's a cancelled debt.
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You owe me, you need to pay me
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so you can keep
living and have shelter.
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But someone says you
don't have to pay this month.
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Amazing.
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That's what
forgiveness looks like
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and that's what
forgiveness feels like.
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Relief, release. Oh, peace.
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And that's what God wants
us to do in our relationships.
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So what happens
when we don't forgive?
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There are certain things that
happen when we don't forgive.
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Well when we don't
forgive, what happens?
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Tell us.
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Well, when we don't forgive,
we grow bitter ourselves.
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So we harbor these bad feelings.
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We harbor animosity,
we harbor resentment.
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And all of these things are
in us, and if we don't forgive
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we don't have the
freedom to move on
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from a certain situation.
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When we don't forgive,
our disagreements multiply.
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If we haven't forgiven someone,
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there are bad
feelings that still remain.
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And because your bad
feelings that still remain,
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it doesn't matter what
the other person says or does,
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we have these bad feelings.
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And so disagreements
multiply. You can't do no right.
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Even if you're right,
you can't do no right.
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Why? Because I'm angry at you.
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I'm not happy with you because
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you've done
something to injure me
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and you haven't
spoken to me about it.
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And unless I let it go, I become
a hostage to that reality.
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But there's this
interesting concept that we have
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that floats around.
00:11:07.05\00:11:08.02
And we titled this
segment, "Forgive or Forget. "
00:11:08.03\00:11:10.95
But we hear a lot
of people talking about
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the notion of
forgive and forget.
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And it's a really tricky
concept because often times
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we think that when someone
has done something to us,
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we know that the Bible
says we should forgive,
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but the deeper the wound, the
more difficult it is to forgive.
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And so sometimes, it's not
as easy to forgive as quickly
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even though the Bible tells us.
00:11:36.54\00:11:38.15
And we know that
the sooner we forgive,
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the sooner we can release
ourselves and we can experience
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that new freedom.
00:11:45.32\00:11:46.29
But I think it's very important
for people to understand
00:11:46.31\00:11:49.21
that it is possible
to forgive something,
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something that
we still remember.
00:11:52.68\00:11:55.40
Yes.
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So a good example of
that is the fact that when
00:11:56.59\00:11:59.29
our son, Julian, was
about 8 years old and
00:11:59.40\00:12:02.51
we had just gotten a beagle.
00:12:02.54\00:12:04.91
And beagles, if anyone
knows anything about beagles,
00:12:04.94\00:12:07.58
beagles are very hyper dogs.
00:12:07.61\00:12:09.25
But they're wonderful dogs
and they're probably classified
00:12:09.28\00:12:11.76
as one of the
friendliest dogs around.
00:12:11.79\00:12:14.30
And our little beagle
Fergie, loved scrunchies.
00:12:14.33\00:12:18.73
You know those
little holders that girls
00:12:18.76\00:12:20.94
put their hair
in ponytails with.
00:12:20.97\00:12:22.64
And she would always go
after scrunchies of my daughter
00:12:22.67\00:12:26.10
or the neighbors
kids, or whatever.
00:12:26.13\00:12:27.55
And one day Fergie went after
a scrunchie and Julian our son,
00:12:27.58\00:12:33.72
went to get the
scrunchie out of her mouth.
00:12:33.75\00:12:35.73
And when she did, Fergie wasn't
upset, she was just trying to
00:12:35.76\00:12:38.92
hold on to the scrunchie.
00:12:38.95\00:12:40.52
And what she did was
she bit Julian by mistake.
00:12:40.55\00:12:44.36
And so our son has
this little scar on his hand
00:12:44.39\00:12:48.21
that has now
healed, he's now over 18.
00:12:48.24\00:12:51.33
And the scar has healed
but he still remembers it.
00:12:51.36\00:12:55.01
He still
remembers the experience.
00:12:55.04\00:12:57.20
Is he angry at Fergie?
00:12:57.23\00:12:58.71
And maybe this is a
very light situation,
00:12:58.74\00:13:01.47
but there's still a
scar from that situation.
00:13:01.50\00:13:05.30
And it's the same thing in
our relationships that sometimes
00:13:05.33\00:13:08.40
there's been a wrong
that has been so deep
00:13:08.43\00:13:11.49
that we still remember it, and
obviously God gives us the power
00:13:11.52\00:13:15.80
to forget over time.
00:13:15.83\00:13:17.85
But we have still forgiven.
00:13:17.88\00:13:19.49
So what I'm hearing you say
is that you might still remember
00:13:19.52\00:13:22.57
and yet you have forgiven.
00:13:22.60\00:13:24.09
Well, we have much
more to talk about, but
00:13:24.12\00:13:25.91
right now we're
going to go to break.
00:13:25.94\00:13:27.16
So stick around
and come right back.
00:13:27.19\00:13:28.87
There are many "How
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But there's one that's free
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Call or write for your copy.
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Welcome back to our
topic on forgiveness.
00:14:10.07\00:14:13.00
We were talking earlier
about the whole misconception of
00:14:13.03\00:14:17.35
forgiving and forgetting.
00:14:17.38\00:14:18.90
And while we do believe
that God does give us the power
00:14:18.93\00:14:23.08
to forget what we've forgiven,
the fact that we remember
00:14:23.11\00:14:27.09
something does not necessarily
mean that we have not forgiven.
00:14:27.12\00:14:30.88
And that's something that
is a little difficult sometimes
00:14:30.91\00:14:34.41
for us as Christians because
we want to believe that if we've
00:14:34.44\00:14:37.44
forgiven, we're going to
quickly forget something.
00:14:37.47\00:14:40.45
And as we said
earlier, forgiveness takes time.
00:14:40.48\00:14:45.72
Forgetting takes time.
00:14:45.75\00:14:47.40
And the deeper the wound,
the longer it's going to take
00:14:47.43\00:14:50.78
to forget something
that has hurt us deeply.
00:14:50.81\00:14:54.84
Now I want to be very
clear that God says that
00:14:54.87\00:14:58.65
when He forgives us of our sin,
He remembers that sin no more.
00:14:58.68\00:15:03.45
And He's cast the sin
to the depths of the sea
00:15:03.48\00:15:06.41
and He remembers
that sin no more.
00:15:06.44\00:15:08.23
Let's remember
that God is perfect.
00:15:08.26\00:15:11.15
And because God is
perfect, God can choose to do
00:15:11.18\00:15:14.25
anything He wants to.
00:15:14.28\00:15:15.59
If He tells you that He's
throwing your sin to the depths
00:15:15.62\00:15:18.54
of the sea and He no
longer remembers it, He does it.
00:15:18.57\00:15:23.10
But we're not God.
00:15:23.13\00:15:24.30
And we're not perfect.
00:15:24.33\00:15:26.90
So, if we're not God
and we're not perfect,
00:15:27.10\00:15:29.62
our forgiveness isn't perfect.
00:15:29.65\00:15:31.41
And the fact that
we didn't quite do it
00:15:31.81\00:15:34.52
as quickly as God did,
the forgetting that is,
00:15:34.55\00:15:37.80
doesn't mean that
we have not forgiven.
00:15:37.83\00:15:39.60
And there's another
important thing on that
00:15:40.40\00:15:41.73
whole notion of forgetting.
00:15:41.76\00:15:42.84
The fact that we've
forgotten doesn't necessary
00:15:42.87\00:15:46.31
mean we've forgiven.
00:15:46.34\00:15:47.59
And that's really
important to remember because
00:15:47.62\00:15:50.36
sometimes we say, "Oh
I've forgotten all about it. "
00:15:50.39\00:15:52.78
But we're still
harboring the hurt.
00:15:52.81\00:15:55.11
And you and I both believe and
we talk about this all the time
00:15:55.14\00:15:59.25
when we're working with couples,
and even in our own relationship
00:15:59.28\00:16:02.43
that we know that the
sooner we accept God's power
00:16:02.46\00:16:06.99
and we allow ourselves to
forgive, the sooner we can begin
00:16:07.02\00:16:11.65
the healing process.
00:16:11.68\00:16:12.85
And that's really
important for us to stress here
00:16:12.88\00:16:16.36
is that God does give us
the power to forgive something
00:16:16.39\00:16:21.81
that we still feel and
hurts that we still remember.
00:16:21.84\00:16:27.38
That's the key, I think,
that we want to get across.
00:16:27.41\00:16:29.80
Because this whole
thing of putting together
00:16:29.83\00:16:32.88
forgiveness and
forgetting, I think keeps people
00:16:32.91\00:16:35.96
from either forgiving, because
for as long as I remember
00:16:35.99\00:16:39.65
then maybe that means
that I can't yet forgive.
00:16:39.68\00:16:42.90
And God does give us
that power to forgive
00:16:42.93\00:16:45.90
that which we still remember.
00:16:45.93\00:16:48.11
We're talking about
marriage here and so I want to
00:16:48.71\00:16:50.34
bring up an issue, to share
a visual that's a powerful one.
00:16:50.37\00:16:54.78
And that is
infidelity in marriage.
00:16:54.81\00:16:59.40
If someone has been unfaithful,
if your spouse has been
00:16:59.43\00:17:01.94
unfaithful to you, you
can forgive that individual.
00:17:01.97\00:17:05.90
But you're not going
to be so quick to forget.
00:17:05.93\00:17:09.45
Not because you don't want
to, but because the image is so
00:17:09.48\00:17:12.90
powerful that it's not so
easy to put out of your mind.
00:17:12.93\00:17:16.06
If someone has been unfaithful,
00:17:16.09\00:17:18.41
you're probably
going to remember it.
00:17:18.44\00:17:20.68
In fact, if you deal
with this matter clinically,
00:17:20.71\00:17:24.02
you will find that clinicians
know that the deeper the hurt,
00:17:24.05\00:17:28.84
the longer it's going
to take the individual
00:17:28.87\00:17:30.92
to come out of it.
00:17:30.95\00:17:32.45
Why? Because it's a deep wound.
00:17:32.48\00:17:35.09
And one of the most difficult
things in marriage when
00:17:35.12\00:17:37.85
there's been unfaithfulness,
is that it's very difficult for
00:17:37.88\00:17:41.66
the person who was
injured to trust again.
00:17:41.69\00:17:45.70
It's a huge issue. Right.
00:17:45.73\00:17:46.80
It's something we
have to give to Jesus,
00:17:46.83\00:17:48.59
it's something we
have to give to the Lord.
00:17:48.62\00:17:50.01
And of course He can heal us.
00:17:50.04\00:17:51.62
Of course we can get to the
place where we've forgotten.
00:17:51.65\00:17:54.25
At least where it's
out of our consciousness,
00:17:54.28\00:17:58.44
it's not on the
surface of our consciousness.
00:17:58.47\00:18:00.42
It's been relegated
someplace where we don't see it,
00:18:00.45\00:18:03.62
where we don't think about it.
00:18:03.65\00:18:05.00
But that takes work.
00:18:05.03\00:18:06.30
So we just want to be clear that
this whole issue of forgiveness
00:18:06.33\00:18:09.78
is not a simple
one, is not an easy one,
00:18:09.81\00:18:12.10
and it's not one that
just snap and it's gone.
00:18:12.13\00:18:15.41
And it's important that as we
deal with each other as couples,
00:18:15.61\00:18:20.82
when we have
committed an offense
00:18:20.85\00:18:23.60
against the other person,
something like infidelity,
00:18:23.63\00:18:26.66
that we're not quick
to say to the person,
00:18:26.69\00:18:28.93
"Well, if you've forgiven
me, you would have forgotten. "
00:18:28.96\00:18:31.13
And an example of that
is, I may have forgiven
00:18:31.16\00:18:34.19
and years have gone by and
I have rebuilt trust with you.
00:18:34.22\00:18:38.63
But let's say I see the person
that you had an affair with.
00:18:38.66\00:18:43.75
It might evoke
some emotions in me.
00:18:43.78\00:18:47.09
Now I know that I've
forgiven, but those emotions may
00:18:47.12\00:18:51.78
still occur and I will have to
go through that process again.
00:18:51.81\00:18:54.83
Perhaps even of reminding myself
that I've chosen to forgive.
00:18:54.86\00:18:58.37
So it's unfair for the person
who has committed the wrong
00:18:58.40\00:19:02.24
to expect that you may never
think about this thing again.
00:19:02.27\00:19:06.39
Again, over the years as
time goes on and as trust
00:19:06.42\00:19:09.94
has been rebuilt in this
relationship, regardless of what
00:19:09.97\00:19:14.06
the offense may have
been trust has to be rebuilt,
00:19:14.09\00:19:17.11
I may still evoke, there still
might be some emotions that
00:19:17.14\00:19:22.73
may surface again because of
the crime that was committed.
00:19:22.76\00:19:26.20
On that note, the whole issue
of responsibility comes up.
00:19:27.00\00:19:31.48
And that is, what is the
responsibility of the individual
00:19:31.51\00:19:34.76
who has caused the injury.
00:19:34.79\00:19:37.12
If I'm a spouse
who has been unfaithful
00:19:37.15\00:19:39.65
to my wife or to my
husband, I am responsible
00:19:39.68\00:19:44.53
for helping my
spouse to trust me.
00:19:44.56\00:19:47.56
Now if I had an affair, if
I was unfaithful to my spouse,
00:19:47.59\00:19:53.85
I need to be careful how I treat
members of the opposite sex.
00:19:53.88\00:19:58.50
How I find myself, where
am I with those individuals.
00:19:58.53\00:20:02.37
How do I allow myself to be in
a room, whether it's at church
00:20:02.40\00:20:06.48
or at work or any place else,
where it's just the two of us
00:20:06.51\00:20:09.32
and nobody else.
00:20:09.35\00:20:10.32
Or my spouse may come
to my place of employment.
00:20:10.33\00:20:14.11
And she comes in and find
me in a compromising situation
00:20:14.14\00:20:18.72
with a member of
the opposite sex.
00:20:18.75\00:20:20.48
That's problematic.
00:20:20.51\00:20:21.77
So if I have been the party
that has injured my spouse,
00:20:21.80\00:20:26.64
I need to take responsibility.
00:20:26.67\00:20:29.13
Despite the fact that
my spouse has forgiven me,
00:20:29.16\00:20:32.06
I need to take
responsibility for restitution.
00:20:32.09\00:20:34.60
I need to take
responsibility for making sure
00:20:34.63\00:20:36.86
that the things that I do help
build up, build up our trust
00:20:36.89\00:20:42.14
in each other.
00:20:42.17\00:20:43.30
Because without trust, the
marriage isn't going anywhere.
00:20:43.33\00:20:46.61
Right, so then forgiveness
does not absolve the wrongdoer
00:20:46.64\00:20:52.63
of their responsibility.
00:20:52.66\00:20:54.50
So if I have done
something against you,
00:20:54.53\00:20:57.50
I now have an obligation
to restore this relationship.
00:20:57.53\00:21:01.43
It takes the relationship
out of the mode of punishing.
00:21:01.69\00:21:06.37
We've removed those feelings
of resentment, of revenge.
00:21:06.40\00:21:12.89
We've taken those emotions
out of the relationship,
00:21:12.92\00:21:16.05
but there is still an
obligation for the wrongdoer
00:21:16.08\00:21:19.62
to make things right.
00:21:19.65\00:21:20.87
So then, we can say
forgiveness and restoration
00:21:20.90\00:21:23.86
go hand in hand.
00:21:23.89\00:21:25.16
Yes, because trust
builds slowly over time.
00:21:25.86\00:21:29.10
But it has to be
consistently trustworthy.
00:21:29.13\00:21:31.76
The person who has made,
who has committed the wrong
00:21:32.16\00:21:35.31
has to be consistently
trustworthy for your spouse
00:21:35.34\00:21:39.02
to feel that they
can trust you again.
00:21:39.05\00:21:42.37
So, the fact that
you've been forgiven
00:21:42.40\00:21:44.64
does not absolve
you of responsibility.
00:21:44.67\00:21:46.56
If you have
stolen $100, let's say,
00:21:46.59\00:21:50.13
or you've hit somebody's car,
and you go over and you say,
00:21:50.16\00:21:55.01
"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mean
to hit or damage your car. "
00:21:55.04\00:21:58.54
Well, you didn't mean to
damage my car, but it's damaged
00:21:58.57\00:22:01.46
and it's going to
cost to repair it.
00:22:01.49\00:22:03.01
So who is going
to pay for that cost?
00:22:03.04\00:22:05.03
Well certainly the
person who damaged it.
00:22:05.06\00:22:06.82
That's the right thing to do.
00:22:06.85\00:22:08.17
So let's understand this
whole issue of forgiveness.
00:22:08.20\00:22:12.00
It's not a simple one.
00:22:12.03\00:22:13.03
It's very complex,
it's very complicated.
00:22:13.06\00:22:15.25
And the person who has done
the wrong has the responsibility
00:22:15.28\00:22:19.29
to make it right.
00:22:19.32\00:22:20.77
And the person who
has done something wrong
00:22:21.47\00:22:23.61
needs to understand that even
though they've been forgiven
00:22:23.64\00:22:26.34
and they've
experienced that freedom,
00:22:26.37\00:22:29.25
that joy of being forgiven,
as they are rebuilding,
00:22:29.28\00:22:32.94
as they are
restoring the relationship,
00:22:32.97\00:22:35.34
rebuilding the trust, there may
be feelings of hurt and guilt.
00:22:35.37\00:22:40.49
And it's not the responsibility
of the person who was offended
00:22:40.52\00:22:44.54
to make you feel better.
00:22:44.57\00:22:46.02
Because that's something now
that's going to be between you
00:22:46.05\00:22:49.66
and God as you ask
God for forgiveness
00:22:49.69\00:22:52.60
for what you've
done to your spouse.
00:22:52.63\00:22:55.29
In this case, we're
talking about marriage.
00:22:55.32\00:22:57.12
So there are
some steps for seeking
00:22:57.15\00:22:59.01
forgiveness and reconciliation.
00:22:59.04\00:23:01.45
And should we talk about
those for a little while?
00:23:01.66\00:23:03.62
So one of the things
that we can do is that
00:23:04.45\00:23:06.73
certainly as we talk
about conflict management,
00:23:06.76\00:23:09.51
what we usually recommend
is that you select a time,
00:23:09.54\00:23:12.88
that you choose a specified
time to talk about the issue.
00:23:12.91\00:23:16.80
So, it may be the
person who has been offended,
00:23:16.83\00:23:20.28
or it may be the person
who has created the offense
00:23:20.31\00:23:24.23
that will say, "You know
there's something that I need
00:23:24.26\00:23:26.48
to speak with you about
and can we choose a time that
00:23:26.51\00:23:29.31
would be a good time for both
of us to discuss this matter?"
00:23:29.44\00:23:32.14
Another thing that we
want to do when we're trying to
00:23:32.17\00:23:35.08
come to grips with the
whole issue of the offense
00:23:35.11\00:23:37.37
and the hurt, is to
explore fully the feelings that
00:23:37.40\00:23:41.11
are involved in the injury.
00:23:41.14\00:23:43.96
You know, not "Oh, I'm
sorry. " "Oh, I forgive you. "
00:23:43.99\00:23:48.19
Well, yes, but I think
it's important both parties
00:23:48.22\00:23:51.91
to come together and
talk intimately and sincerely
00:23:51.94\00:23:56.61
about how what you did hurt me.
00:23:56.64\00:23:59.98
Not to accuse,
not to make it worse.
00:24:00.01\00:24:03.00
But just to make sure that
we understand what has happened.
00:24:03.03\00:24:06.42
I need to clearly say,
the injured party needs to
00:24:06.45\00:24:09.48
clearly say, "This is how
I felt when you did this. "
00:24:09.51\00:24:12.56
And then the other person
may also have an opportunity to
00:24:12.59\00:24:16.10
explore why they did it,
00:24:16.13\00:24:17.71
and the circumstances
under which they did it,
00:24:17.74\00:24:20.37
and perhaps get to
the place where they say,
00:24:20.40\00:24:23.54
"Well I didn't really mean to
do anything, any harm to you. "
00:24:23.57\00:24:26.75
But it happened and acknowledge
the fact that it happened.
00:24:26.78\00:24:29.66
Right, and understand that this
may be a lengthy conversation.
00:24:29.87\00:24:34.00
And as a matter of fact, as we
talk about these first two steps
00:24:34.03\00:24:37.12
the couple, let's say that's in
this situation, may have to seek
00:24:37.15\00:24:41.18
the help of a
pastor or a counselor
00:24:41.21\00:24:44.19
to help them work
through these issues.
00:24:44.22\00:24:47.40
Again, the deeper the wound, the
more difficult the conversation
00:24:47.43\00:24:51.77
that we will have
about the situation.
00:24:51.80\00:24:55.78
If it's just a simple
matter of, you now, I forgot
00:24:55.81\00:25:00.71
to pick up the kids after
school, that's not something
00:25:00.74\00:25:05.27
that you, hopefully, will not
need a pastor to intervene on.
00:25:05.30\00:25:08.68
But if we're
talking about infidelity,
00:25:08.71\00:25:10.89
if we're talking
about some type of abuse,
00:25:10.92\00:25:13.02
then it is going to require
some third party intervention.
00:25:13.05\00:25:16.30
And point number three
right here now, is that
00:25:16.33\00:25:19.41
the person who was the offender
00:25:19.44\00:25:21.34
asks for
forgiveness at this point.
00:25:21.37\00:25:24.03
We've explored what's happening,
I ask for forgiveness.
00:25:24.06\00:25:26.77
Right, and then as the
offended party deals with it,
00:25:26.80\00:25:33.30
talks about it, explores
the issues and concerns,
00:25:33.33\00:25:36.74
they offer
forgiveness to the person who
00:25:36.77\00:25:40.72
committed the offense.
00:25:40.75\00:25:42.56
Yes, the offended
person agrees to forgive
00:25:42.59\00:25:44.95
and then you move from there.
00:25:44.98\00:25:47.50
You ask for
forgiveness, the offended person
00:25:47.53\00:25:49.83
agrees to forgive.
00:25:49.86\00:25:52.06
Remembering that
it's not as simple
00:25:52.66\00:25:54.24
as steps one,
two, three, four, five.
00:25:54.27\00:25:57.40
That the offended party may
say, "I need to talk about it
00:25:57.43\00:26:01.72
a little bit more, I
need to explore it. "
00:26:01.75\00:26:04.16
But it is important,
it really is important
00:26:04.20\00:26:06.60
that we understand that
God expects us to forgive.
00:26:06.63\00:26:10.10
And He tells us in His
word that we need to forgive.
00:26:10.13\00:26:13.04
And then, give
forgiveness time to heal.
00:26:13.94\00:26:18.16
Give the forgiveness an
opportunity to take place.
00:26:18.46\00:26:21.51
Because it's
going to take some time.
00:26:21.54\00:26:22.84
And the deeper the wound, the
more difficult the situation.
00:26:22.87\00:26:26.16
Well here's what Ellen White has
to say in the Adventist Home.
00:26:26.19\00:26:30.04
Here's what the results of
a forgiven relationship are.
00:26:30.07\00:26:33.29
That is a wonderful
and terrific quotation.
00:26:41.81\00:26:44.39
"One well ordered,
well disciplined family
00:26:44.42\00:26:46.46
tells more in
behalf of Christianity
00:26:46.49\00:26:48.92
than all the sermons
that can be preached. "
00:26:48.95\00:26:52.71
That's awesome.
00:26:53.01\00:26:54.18
What it's saying is that God
wants us to have the kinds of
00:26:54.21\00:26:57.78
families, kinds of relationships
that will honor Him,
00:26:57.81\00:27:01.87
that will represent Him.
00:27:01.90\00:27:03.04
You can preach all
you want to preach.
00:27:03.07\00:27:04.87
But someone said, "I'd rather
see a sermon than hear one. "
00:27:04.90\00:27:10.10
How do we see a sermon?
00:27:10.13\00:27:11.61
By the way our
families work together.
00:27:11.64\00:27:14.40
By the way we live together.
00:27:14.43\00:27:15.97
By the way we
forgive each other.
00:27:16.00\00:27:18.05
And then there's
the promise of success.
00:27:18.08\00:27:19.92
Philippians 4:13, I can
do all things through Christ
00:27:19.95\00:27:24.74
who gives me strength.
00:27:24.77\00:27:26.14
Is it hard to forgive? Of
course it's hard to forgive.
00:27:26.17\00:27:28.55
There are many
difficult things that will
00:27:28.58\00:27:30.17
rise in marriage.
00:27:30.20\00:27:32.60
But with God on our
side, we cannot fail.
00:27:32.63\00:27:36.09
And through His grace and
power, we can forgive each other
00:27:36.12\00:27:39.70
and have great
families to represent Him.
00:27:39.73\00:27:43.03
God bless you.
00:27:43.06\00:27:45.02