Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000059
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:35 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:39 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:41 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted you have decided to join us today. 00:47 Today we're going to be talking about being married and angry. 00:52 Invariably in marriage, everything doesn't go perfectly. 00:57 And from time to time, there are emotions that flare up. 01:00 And today we want to talk about how to manage those emotions. 01:05 How to deal with them so that we can get the best 01:09 out of marriage and that our marriage can be a place 01:13 where God can be glorified. 01:15 And people will know that we are His disciples 01:17 because of our love for one another. 01:20 Well, I think it's good for us to begin with a text, 01:22 which is found in Romans 12:18. 01:34 So, we're talking about anger today. 01:36 And we want to share with our audience that it's not a problem 01:45 that we experience anger. 01:48 Because anger is a very natural, if you will, emotion. 01:51 But we know that, it says in the Bible that 01:54 we are to live at peace with all people, it says all men but I 01:58 imagine that we can extend that to all people, men and women. 02:03 Well, I certainly hope that it means live at peace 02:05 with all women as well, certainly a woman 02:06 if you are married to a woman. 02:08 And if you're a man, I hope you're married to a woman. 02:10 That's correct. 02:12 There's another text which we don't have for the screen, 02:15 but where it says that in our anger we should not sin. 02:19 And so it's clear that it is ok for us to experience 02:23 the emotion of anger, but we need to be sure that 02:26 we don't destroy our marriage because of the 02:30 way we express anger. 02:32 So we're talking about anger today and I think a good place 02:35 to begin is by going to a definition of anger. 02:38 Anger is a strong emotion of displeasure. 02:51 So, when we're talking about anger, we're talking about 02:53 the fact that we're frustrated and we're frustrated because 02:56 something we were hoping would happen is not happening. 03:00 Or something we wanted to happen is not happening. 03:03 I guess that's why people get angry. 03:05 I want my way and you're not giving me my way. 03:10 I wanted this for breakfast and I'm having something different. 03:13 I expected that we would be going to church 03:16 at a particular time and it turns out 03:18 not to be that time and so I'm not happy, I'm angry. 03:22 Here's the reality about anger. 03:25 Anger is an emotion and emotions run the gamut. 03:30 I often hear people say, "You make me so mad. " 03:34 Well, the truth of the matter is nobody can make you mad. 03:38 You're mad because you chose to be mad. 03:41 God has given us freedom of choice. 03:45 And when we deal with our emotions, we need to be careful 03:49 that they are led by the spirit of God. 03:51 If we're spiritual beings and we're the people of God, 03:54 we ought to be moved, we ought to be moved 03:56 by the spirit of God. 03:58 So, now there might be different variations, in the whole realm 04:03 of anger, that someone may say that may 04:07 push you in a certain direction. 04:09 And yet you want to be very careful that 04:12 whatever is happening, is something that God can 04:15 bless and sanction. 04:18 I would like to say that there have been individuals 04:22 who have experienced negative things in their lives. 04:25 And out of that negativity they have been able to rise up, 04:32 rise above it despite what's coming at them. 04:35 Then in some circumstances, someone may say, 04:38 "Well, that can make you angry. " 04:40 But instead of being angry, use it as a motivation to do good. 04:45 So you're saying that perhaps their initial response 04:48 was one of anger. 04:49 Or could be. 04:50 Could have been. Yes. 04:51 And they turned that anger into something 04:54 that was a little bit more productive 04:56 in their lives, and constructive. 04:59 Yes, for example we think about the life of Christ 05:01 and the fact that when He was being led to Golgotha 05:05 to be crucified, people were cursing at Him, 05:10 they were hitting Him, and yet He was not hitting back. 05:15 He was choosing not to be angry. 05:18 He could have been angry. 05:20 Normally, people think if someone is hitting you, 05:23 calling you names, spitting on you, 05:24 that you have a right to be angry. 05:26 But here is a model of Jesus Christ that says, 05:30 the fact that someone is acting ugly 05:33 doesn't mean you need to respond in kind. 05:36 Absolutely, I think Jeremiah 17:9 05:38 gives us good counsel on how to handle our emotions. 05:42 And the Bible says: 05:51 That's the New American Standard version. 05:53 But the King James Version actually says, 05:56 "The heart is wicked above all else. " 05:59 And so, God understood that we were 06:02 going to have these emotions. 06:03 I mean, I don't think that we are exempt from emotions. 06:09 It's how we deal with our emotions, it's how we respond 06:13 to this anger. 06:14 Because anger is going to arise for many different reasons. 06:17 There are different faces of anger. 06:20 And even before you go to the different faces of anger, 06:22 I want to spend a little bit more time on that text. 06:24 Because many times people think they have a right to be angry. 06:30 And the prophet is saying through the spirit of God, 06:33 "Well, don't trust your heart. " 06:35 Because as human beings, our hearts are wicked, 06:40 our hearts are deceitful. 06:42 So, if you're going to depend on your own emotions, 06:45 they may lead you astray. 06:47 So instead of following your emotions, 06:49 we probably need to lead our emotions. 06:51 And lead them through the spirit of God. 06:53 So don't trust your emotions, trust God. 06:56 Why? Because God will give you the power 06:59 to do what you need to do to not hurt anyone, 07:02 and to represent Him well. 07:04 Because after all, that's what we want to do in marriage. 07:06 We want to represent God well because by this they will know 07:10 that we are His disciples. 07:12 Because of our love, one for the other. 07:14 That's really good. 07:15 So, it's really important then for us to understand 07:18 where this anger might be coming from. 07:20 So as I started saying before, as we look at the different 07:24 faces of anger, it might help us understand how to channel 07:28 the emotion of anger into a more productive, 07:32 into a more constructive format. 07:34 So for instance, resentment. 07:36 Resentment is a face of anger. 07:38 We might become angry because we're resentful about something. 07:44 Something may have happened in our relationship. 07:47 Because we're specifically now speaking about marriage 07:50 and we want to tie it in. 07:51 So, something may have happened in our relationship 07:53 that made me resentful. 07:55 And every time you do or say something, I might treat you, 08:01 respond to you in anger because of my resentment. 08:05 There might also be aggression and I may respond, 08:10 let's tie it all in, because of that resentment 08:14 I might respond in a very aggressive manner. 08:17 And my anger might be expressed more aggressively 08:22 than I intended. 08:23 So, I might raise my voice, I might throw my hand 08:26 on the table, I might kick something, kick the garbage can 08:29 or something like that. 08:30 And that is an aggressive way of showing anger. 08:35 Another face of anger is frustration. 08:38 I might be frustrated because things are not going the way... 08:43 Earlier you said in the definition that it might 08:46 come out of the fact that my goals are being blocked. 08:49 So, our goal could be something as simple as, 08:52 "I'm trying to eat, I'm trying to get food. " 08:55 And that reminds me of that time when you asked 08:57 me to get you lunch. 08:58 And you were picking me up, and I got lunch. 09:01 I looked at what was available and I saw lots of good stuff. 09:05 I know we love Italian food so I saw Eggplant Parmesan 09:08 and decided to get you some Eggplant Parmesan. 09:10 Of course, you were very hungry and you were very anxious 09:14 and you were looking forward to 09:15 the food tray that I was bringing to you. 09:17 I got some for myself and got into the car, 09:19 and when you opened your tray, you were like 09:23 "Eggplant Parmesan? I hate Eggplant Parmesan. " 09:27 I know and you were being so kind 09:28 because you know, I was actually quite frustrated. 09:31 And I'll be honest and say that I wanted to be... 09:36 I was probably even a little angry. 09:38 And what I appreciated about what you did was that you 09:40 quickly offered me your food. 09:42 But that's a great example of frustration 09:45 and how it could have turned into 09:47 a more aggressive response in anger. 09:51 And what I'd like to say about that, 09:52 that it doesn't have to be. 09:54 The choices that we made were choices that helped us 09:58 get something out of that circumstance. 10:00 For example, when you said you hated Eggplant Parmesan, 10:03 immediately what I thought, "Wow my wife doesn't like eggplant. " 10:08 And I didn't know that. 10:09 And now I know that. 10:11 So, instead of being defensive after getting you food and 10:17 you responding the way that you did towards the food, 10:20 I just offered you mine. 10:22 And it calmed you down. 10:23 You had food so your blood sugar could 10:26 go back to its regular balance. 10:29 And I filed that away. 10:30 And I've never offered you Eggplant Parmesan ever since. 10:34 You certainly haven't. 10:35 Because I know that you don't like it. 10:36 Right, and I want to share with our audience 10:40 that I made a conscientious decision, not that I always do, 10:44 but I made a conscientious decision that day 10:47 not to be angry not to penalize you 10:53 for doing something good for me. 10:55 And so as you said earlier, it is a choice. 10:58 Our reaction is a choice. 11:00 And then some other faces of anger are hatred or spite. 11:06 And we respond to our mate because of certain circumstances 11:10 that may have occurred. 11:12 And then we treat them in ways that are not constructive 11:16 to the relationship. 11:19 There's another things about anger that I want to bring up 11:21 at this juncture, and that is that it prevents us from 11:24 having the kind of communication God wants us to have. 11:26 Because of our anger, we're frustrated, 11:29 we are spiteful, we're hateful. 11:31 It blocks the free flowing of communication between spouses. 11:36 So instead of being happy and joyful and affirming and kind, 11:40 I become spiteful myself. 11:42 I now raise my voice, I now speak with sarcasm in my voice. 11:48 And that's no good for the relationship. 11:50 Because what we're trying to do in marriage 11:52 is to bring honor and glory to God. 11:55 So, as we deal with these issues of anger, 11:58 we need to be mindful of the fact that we do have a choice. 12:00 That the emotion that we choose, 12:03 the response that we choose is ours. 12:05 And that we have the opportunity to be led by the spirit of God, 12:10 to make the right choice. 12:12 One that's going to build up the marriage. 12:14 One that's going to build up the relationship. 12:18 Well, here's what Ephesians 4:31 has to say on anger. 12:33 Obviously, God knew that if we're going to be His children, 12:37 that we have to behave in ways 12:39 that represent Him, that honor Him. 12:42 Certainly being bitter is not a Godly way. 12:45 And having malice is not a Godly way. 12:48 And so, as we read our Bibles more, 12:51 as we connect with Jesus every day, 12:53 what we know is that we become more and more like Him. 12:57 But instead of choosing anger, we choose peace. 13:00 But instead of doing it negatively, we do it positively. 13:03 Because we're representing Jesus in our home. 13:06 Not only that, we're modeling for our children. 13:09 And when they become adults and have their own marriages, 13:12 they will respond in ways that were naturally 13:15 presented to them in their homes. 13:17 Well, we need to go to break, but we'll be right back shortly. 13:21 So stick around, stay with us. 13:22 We have much more to talk about anger. 13:24 And thank you for staying with us. 13:26 We'll see you soon. 13:35 There are many "How To" books available. 13:37 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:40 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:42 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:46 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage 13:49 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:52 And everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:09 Welcome back to our discussion on married and angry. 14:13 We've been talking about the issue of anger and how to 14:17 deal with it, and the fact that we have choices. 14:19 That the emotion of anger in itself is not the problem, 14:23 but how we express, how we deal with anger, 14:26 how we manage our anger. 14:27 So we want to talk a little bit about how we can respond, 14:31 or how people usually respond, and then we'll share 14:34 some ways in which we can better handle anger 14:40 specifically in our marriage. 14:43 And of course, as we talk about marriage concepts, 14:45 these concepts, these skills are transferrable to other areas 14:49 of our lives. 14:50 So one of the things that we do when we are responding to anger 14:56 is that sometimes we suppress anger. 14:58 Sometimes we pretend as if we're not angry. 15:02 And that's a problem because if we are angry 15:06 and we do have this emotion, we've got to figure out how to 15:08 deal with it. 15:09 Because if we continually act as if we're not angry, then 15:13 at some point, I imagine it's going to be like a volcano. 15:17 And it's going to explode. 15:19 Indeed. 15:21 There's also another way in which we handle anger 15:23 and that is we repress anger. 15:25 And when we repress anger, it simply means that 15:29 we know we're angry, but then we try to 15:31 put it under our consciousness. 15:34 You know, we just want to forget about it. 15:36 We want to sweep it under the carpet, as it were. 15:40 What happens with repressed anger is that 15:44 you result with some clinical issues and 15:46 one of them is depression. 15:48 Because the anger is there, you haven't dealt with it, 15:51 you haven't managed it, you haven't processed it. 15:56 and if it's in you, it's going to affect you. 15:58 And invariably, people get depressed 16:00 when they have repressed anger. 16:02 Well, another way of dealing with anger is we express anger. 16:07 And that's usually how many people deal with anger. 16:11 And we just explode. 16:13 And we may explode by yelling, and we may say things 16:21 that we can't take back. 16:23 And we may damage or hurt our relationship 16:27 because of the way we've expressed our anger. 16:31 Yes, there's another that we relate to anger as individuals 16:34 and this is a better way. 16:36 And that is we confess anger. 16:37 Instead of suppressing it, or repressing it, or exploding, 16:43 we confess anger. 16:46 And the way to confess anger is simply to acknowledge the fact 16:49 that' you're probably not very happy with what has happened. 16:52 And if you're communicating with your spouse, do it in a way 16:55 that's not destructive. 16:57 For example, and I think the word is good "confessing anger", 17:01 acknowledge to yourself that whatever happened just now 17:05 didn't feel good. 17:06 And so, I want to share it with my spouse because 17:09 I want her or him to be aware of the fact that when this happens 17:13 in our relationship, it causes bad feelings. 17:15 So, how do you confess anger? 17:17 You confess anger by using "I" messages. 17:21 Instead of accusing your spouse and saying, "You did this. 17:25 And that's why I'm feeling this way. " 17:26 Well first of all, soften the startup. 17:29 Calm down a little bit and use "I" messages. 17:32 "I feel angry when we agreed that we would go to church 17:38 at 9:00 in the morning so that we can get there in time 17:41 for Sabbath school. 17:42 But every Sabbath, it appears to me that when it's time to go, 17:48 we're not ready, somebody's not ready. 17:50 And invariably we get to church late. " 17:52 So, it's a bad feeling that you have. 17:56 And if you say it in a nice way, confessing anger. 17:59 Not exploding, not repressing, not suppressing, but confessing. 18:05 That might be a good way to manage the anger 18:08 and to build up the marital relationship 18:11 and to get more understanding between you. 18:13 Because in marriage, we want to understand. 18:16 Absolutely, and when we do that we feel better 18:19 because we haven't suppressed it or repressed it, or said things 18:26 that were destructive to the relationship. 18:29 But we are sharing with our mate how we really feel. 18:32 Now there are some unhealthy ways of dealing with anger. 18:36 And one of those ways is to ignore your feelings. 18:39 And that would go along with suppressing or repressing 18:41 where we ignore the feelings and we bury it. 18:43 And that's injurious to our bodies. 18:47 Another unhealthy way of dealing with anger is just 18:50 allowing your stomach to handle it. 18:52 You know, you're angry, you're frustrated and instead of 18:55 calming yourself down, acknowledging that 18:57 things are happening that you don't want to happen, 19:01 you are just going at it in a way that is almost ignoring it 19:06 and then people get ulcers. 19:08 That's why lots of people have stomach problems, 19:10 they have bowel buildup because they allow the anger 19:14 to go into their system. 19:16 I've also heard some people say, "I'm not angry. " 19:20 And someone might say, well if someone says they're not angry, 19:23 then perhaps they're not angry. 19:24 But if there's something that is done to you 19:27 that is creating stress or even worse than that, 19:33 something that is insulting to you, more than likely 19:37 the emotion that's going to come up is anger. 19:40 And so, saying "I'm not angry" is not a healthy way 19:45 of dealing with anger. 19:47 Actually, when you were saying that, the visual in my head was 19:52 a little bit more explosive. 19:53 "I'm not angry. I"M NOT ANGRY!" 19:55 You know, you could have fooled me. 19:57 You're not angry but you're yelling. 19:59 So it's almost like a contradiction. 20:02 That you're telling yourself one thing, but 20:04 whatever is coming out, it really is not a good thing. 20:07 Another way people have a way in marriage of dealing with anger 20:11 is by scoring points against their mate. 20:15 Now, that is a foolish way of handling it. 20:18 And let me tell you why. 20:19 Because marriage is a team sport. 20:22 We're on the same team. 20:23 So my scoring points against my mate 20:26 is not going to help anyone. 20:27 It doesn't help anyone because what we want to do in marriage 20:30 is we want to build it up. 20:31 We want to make is strong, we want to make it nurturing, 20:34 we want to make a kind place, a welcoming place. 20:38 So when I score points against my mate, 20:40 it is like playing basketball or any sport and 20:46 kicking a goal into my own goal post. 20:48 Now that is not very smart. 20:50 So if you're married, you want to do things together. 20:52 You want build each other up rather than put each other down. 20:55 So scoring points against my mate is not a good idea. 20:58 Because in marriage, we want to win. 21:00 And we win, the marriage wins. 21:03 It's not about me or you. It's about us. 21:07 Well, another unhealthy form of expressing anger is to 21:10 blame your mate as loudly as you can. 21:14 And that's also not going to help any because 21:19 it's not going to resolve any situation. 21:22 You haven't shared, you haven't confessed that you're angry. 21:25 And so blaming your spouse, even if your spouse 21:30 may have created the situation where you are 21:33 feeling this emotion of anger, it's not going to help 21:38 the situation any to blame your mate. 21:40 So that's an unhealthy way of dealing with anger. 21:44 And then when you say when your spouse has created 21:47 the situation, the truth of the matter is, 21:49 again, we are in relationships that are not perfect. 21:53 And because we are in relationships that are not 21:54 perfect, your spouse, whether it's a husband or a wife, 21:57 they're bound to say something that 22:00 is not what you want to hear. 22:01 That's just a reality of life. 22:03 But, if they say something that's not nice to you, 22:08 you have a choice of the way you respond to what was said. 22:13 So choose joy, choose peace, choose kindness. 22:18 And confess it. 22:19 Take the opportunity to say something using "I" messages. 22:24 "You know, when this happens in our relationship, 22:26 I feel taken for granted. " 22:28 "I feel taken for granted. " 22:29 When I use "I" messages, I'm taking 22:31 responsibility for myself. 22:33 And instead of accusing my spouse of anything, 22:35 I take responsibility. 22:37 Now you may not even have known that what you were saying 22:40 or doing was causing me distress or pain. 22:43 So it doesn't have to be a confrontation 22:46 every single time something is said or done in marriage 22:50 to cause pain or hurt. 22:52 Because invariably, it's not being done on purpose. 22:55 And we need to be able to know the difference. 22:56 But regardless of what is done, the choice needs to be 23:00 a response that's going to build up, 23:04 that's going to enlighten, that's going to bring us closer, 23:07 that's going to give us more knowledge about each other 23:09 rather than breaking and destroying 23:11 the marriage relationship. 23:13 So then I can choose to rely on the power of God 23:18 and make a choice to handle my anger in a way 23:24 that is going to be healing to my relationship. 23:27 I have that choice, I have that power because 23:30 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 23:32 And then another way of how people handle anger in marriage, 23:36 they just walk out and feel sorry for themselves. 23:38 "Oh you know, I never get anything here in this place. 23:40 You know, I'm always being insulted, 23:42 I'm always the bad one. " 23:43 And just walk out, feel sorry for yourself. 23:46 We call that withdrawal and avoidance. 23:48 And that response will never build your marriage up. 23:52 Because you don't want to avoid it, 23:54 you don't want to deny it. 23:55 You want to handle it, deal with it, 23:57 accept the fact that it's happening, 23:59 and then deal with it in a Christ like way. 24:03 So let's share then some healthy ways to handle anger. 24:08 There are certainly some healthy ways. 24:10 And one of the first things that we can do 24:12 is to be aware of our emotions. 24:14 Be aware of what the emotion is. 24:16 A few years ago, someone gave us a little magnet 24:20 to put on our refrigerator. 24:22 And it had a list of maybe 15 emotions. 24:26 And then there's a little circle and every day you can put 24:29 the little circle on how you're feeling. 24:31 And there are little faces and it shows whether you're happy, 24:34 or sad, or angry, or mad, or whatever else. 24:37 And so what's good about it is that it helps us to identify 24:42 how we're feeling. 24:43 What is the emotion that I am experiencing. 24:46 And be able to call it what it is. 24:50 Well, and what you want to do is don't be afraid 24:52 to admit your emotion. 24:53 If I'm feeling frustrated, admit it to yourself. 24:56 Before you lash out, before you express, 24:59 admit it to yourself. 25:00 It's ok to admit it to yourself. 25:02 And say to yourself, "You know, I'm not feeling 25:04 good about what's happening here right now. " 25:06 And that is a good way of not ignoring 25:08 but of managing your emotions. 25:11 Certainly. 25:12 One of the other things, as I said earlier, 25:14 is that I can decide what to do with the emotion. 25:17 I can decide how to handle my emotion before 25:22 I share the emotion with my spouse. 25:25 So, I know that we said earlier that you can 25:27 share with your spouse, "I feel angry. " 25:29 Well, a good thing to do is decide, 25:31 after I'm aware of that emotion, I can decide 25:35 how I'm going to deal with it. 25:36 And I can choose to share it, to confess it, to say 25:41 "I feel angry when this happens 25:44 but I'm not going to allow myself to express this anger 25:48 in a negative way. " 25:49 So what you're saying is you want to decide 25:51 what to do with that emotion. 25:52 Correct. 25:53 That is a wonderful way of handling it. 25:55 You know, deciding what to do with the emotion. 25:57 Solomon has something to say in the book of 25:59 Proverbs 16:32 on anger. 26:02 And it's a wonderful thing that it says. 26:14 In other words, the person who knows how to manage anger 26:17 is greater than a big warrior. 26:19 Just because you're big and bold and bad doesn't make it good. 26:24 Right. 26:25 So, making peace a priority in our home. 26:28 And Ellen White has some words on this in the Adventist Home. 26:54 It's interesting that anger often lurks around families. 27:00 And someone once said, "Conflict is the manure of marriage. 27:04 It doesn't smell very good, but without it 27:06 there's no real growth. " 27:08 So it means, yes we're not perfect. 27:10 But when things are happening in our relationships, 27:13 let's use it as an opportunity to grow. 27:16 Let's use it as an opportunity to find out what's going wrong. 27:19 Talk about it. Don't ignore it. 27:21 Don't deny it. Admit it and confess it. 27:25 And express it in a way that will 27:27 help build your marriage up. 27:30 What's wonderful for us as Christians is that we know 27:33 we have the promise of success. 27:35 Philippians 4:13. 27:36 We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. 27:40 So trust God, trust Him with your emotions 27:43 and it's going to be just fine. |
Revised 2014-12-17