Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
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and a Marriage
and Family Consultant
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted you have
decided to join us today.
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Today we're going to be talking
about being married and angry.
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Invariably in marriage,
everything doesn't go perfectly.
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And from time to time, there
are emotions that flare up.
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And today we want to talk about
how to manage those emotions.
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How to deal with them
so that we can get the best
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out of marriage and that
our marriage can be a place
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where God can be glorified.
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And people will know
that we are His disciples
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because of our
love for one another.
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Well, I think it's good
for us to begin with a text,
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which is found in Romans 12:18.
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So, we're talking
about anger today.
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And we want to share with our
audience that it's not a problem
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that we experience anger.
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Because anger is a very
natural, if you will, emotion.
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But we know that, it
says in the Bible that
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we are to live at peace with all
people, it says all men but I
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imagine that we can extend that
to all people, men and women.
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Well, I certainly hope
that it means live at peace
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with all women as
well, certainly a woman
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if you are married to a woman.
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And if you're a man, I
hope you're married to a woman.
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That's correct.
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There's another text which
we don't have for the screen,
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but where it says that in
our anger we should not sin.
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And so it's clear that it
is ok for us to experience
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the emotion of anger,
but we need to be sure that
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we don't destroy our
marriage because of the
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way we express anger.
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So we're talking about anger
today and I think a good place
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to begin is by going
to a definition of anger.
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Anger is a strong
emotion of displeasure.
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So, when we're talking
about anger, we're talking about
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the fact that we're frustrated
and we're frustrated because
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something we were hoping
would happen is not happening.
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Or something we wanted
to happen is not happening.
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I guess that's
why people get angry.
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I want my way and
you're not giving me my way.
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I wanted this for breakfast and
I'm having something different.
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I expected that we
would be going to church
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at a particular
time and it turns out
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not to be that time and
so I'm not happy, I'm angry.
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Here's the reality about anger.
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Anger is an emotion
and emotions run the gamut.
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I often hear people
say, "You make me so mad. "
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Well, the truth of the matter
is nobody can make you mad.
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You're mad because
you chose to be mad.
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God has given us
freedom of choice.
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And when we deal with our
emotions, we need to be careful
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that they are led
by the spirit of God.
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If we're spiritual beings
and we're the people of God,
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we ought to be
moved, we ought to be moved
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by the spirit of God.
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So, now there might be different
variations, in the whole realm
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of anger, that
someone may say that may
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push you in a certain direction.
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And yet you want to
be very careful that
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whatever is happening,
is something that God can
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bless and sanction.
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I would like to say that
there have been individuals
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who have experienced
negative things in their lives.
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And out of that negativity
they have been able to rise up,
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rise above it despite
what's coming at them.
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Then in some
circumstances, someone may say,
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"Well, that can
make you angry. "
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But instead of being angry, use
it as a motivation to do good.
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So you're saying that
perhaps their initial response
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was one of anger.
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Or could be.
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Could have been. Yes.
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And they turned
that anger into something
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that was a little
bit more productive
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in their lives,
and constructive.
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Yes, for example we
think about the life of Christ
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and the fact that when
He was being led to Golgotha
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to be crucified,
people were cursing at Him,
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they were hitting Him, and
yet He was not hitting back.
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He was choosing not to be angry.
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He could have been angry.
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Normally, people think
if someone is hitting you,
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calling you
names, spitting on you,
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that you have a
right to be angry.
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But here is a model of
Jesus Christ that says,
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the fact that
someone is acting ugly
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doesn't mean you
need to respond in kind.
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Absolutely, I
think Jeremiah 17:9
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gives us good counsel on
how to handle our emotions.
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And the Bible says:
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That's the New
American Standard version.
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But the King James
Version actually says,
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"The heart is
wicked above all else. "
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And so, God
understood that we were
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going to have these emotions.
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I mean, I don't think that
we are exempt from emotions.
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It's how we deal with our
emotions, it's how we respond
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to this anger.
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Because anger is going to arise
for many different reasons.
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There are
different faces of anger.
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And even before you go to
the different faces of anger,
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I want to spend a little
bit more time on that text.
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Because many times people think
they have a right to be angry.
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And the prophet is saying
through the spirit of God,
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"Well, don't trust your heart. "
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Because as human
beings, our hearts are wicked,
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our hearts are deceitful.
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So, if you're going to
depend on your own emotions,
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they may lead you astray.
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So instead of
following your emotions,
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we probably need
to lead our emotions.
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And lead them
through the spirit of God.
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So don't trust your
emotions, trust God.
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Why? Because God
will give you the power
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to do what you need
to do to not hurt anyone,
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and to represent Him well.
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Because after all, that's
what we want to do in marriage.
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We want to represent God well
because by this they will know
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that we are His disciples.
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Because of our
love, one for the other.
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That's really good.
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So, it's really important
then for us to understand
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where this anger
might be coming from.
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So as I started saying before,
as we look at the different
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faces of anger, it might help
us understand how to channel
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the emotion of anger
into a more productive,
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into a more constructive format.
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So for instance, resentment.
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Resentment is a face of anger.
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We might become angry because
we're resentful about something.
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Something may have
happened in our relationship.
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Because we're specifically
now speaking about marriage
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and we want to tie it in.
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So, something may have
happened in our relationship
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that made me resentful.
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And every time you do or say
something, I might treat you,
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respond to you in anger
because of my resentment.
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There might also be
aggression and I may respond,
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let's tie it all in,
because of that resentment
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I might respond in a
very aggressive manner.
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And my anger might be
expressed more aggressively
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than I intended.
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So, I might raise my
voice, I might throw my hand
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on the table, I might kick
something, kick the garbage can
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or something like that.
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And that is an
aggressive way of showing anger.
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Another face of
anger is frustration.
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I might be frustrated because
things are not going the way...
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Earlier you said in the
definition that it might
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come out of the fact that
my goals are being blocked.
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So, our goal could be
something as simple as,
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"I'm trying to eat,
I'm trying to get food. "
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And that reminds me of
that time when you asked
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me to get you lunch.
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And you were picking
me up, and I got lunch.
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I looked at what was available
and I saw lots of good stuff.
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I know we love Italian
food so I saw Eggplant Parmesan
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and decided to get you
some Eggplant Parmesan.
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Of course, you were very
hungry and you were very anxious
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and you were looking forward to
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the food tray that
I was bringing to you.
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I got some for
myself and got into the car,
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and when you opened
your tray, you were like
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"Eggplant Parmesan? I
hate Eggplant Parmesan. "
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I know and you
were being so kind
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because you know, I was
actually quite frustrated.
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And I'll be honest and
say that I wanted to be...
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I was probably
even a little angry.
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And what I appreciated
about what you did was that you
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quickly offered me your food.
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But that's a great
example of frustration
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and how it
could have turned into
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a more aggressive
response in anger.
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And what I'd like
to say about that,
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that it doesn't have to be.
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The choices that we made
were choices that helped us
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get something out
of that circumstance.
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For example, when you said
you hated Eggplant Parmesan,
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immediately what I thought, "Wow
my wife doesn't like eggplant. "
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And I didn't know that.
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And now I know that.
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So, instead of being defensive
after getting you food and
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you responding the way
that you did towards the food,
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I just offered you mine.
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And it calmed you down.
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You had food so
your blood sugar could
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go back to its regular balance.
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And I filed that away.
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And I've never offered you
Eggplant Parmesan ever since.
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You certainly haven't.
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Because I know
that you don't like it.
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Right, and I want to
share with our audience
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that I made a conscientious
decision, not that I always do,
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but I made a
conscientious decision that day
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not to be angry
not to penalize you
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for doing something good for me.
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And so as you said
earlier, it is a choice.
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Our reaction is a choice.
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And then some other faces
of anger are hatred or spite.
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And we respond to our mate
because of certain circumstances
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that may have occurred.
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And then we treat them in
ways that are not constructive
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to the relationship.
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There's another things about
anger that I want to bring up
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at this juncture, and that
is that it prevents us from
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having the kind of communication
God wants us to have.
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Because of our
anger, we're frustrated,
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we are spiteful, we're hateful.
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It blocks the free flowing of
communication between spouses.
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So instead of being happy and
joyful and affirming and kind,
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I become spiteful myself.
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I now raise my voice, I now
speak with sarcasm in my voice.
00:11:42.98\00:11:48.84
And that's no good
for the relationship.
00:11:48.87\00:11:50.64
Because what we're
trying to do in marriage
00:11:50.67\00:11:52.39
is to bring
honor and glory to God.
00:11:52.42\00:11:55.01
So, as we deal with
these issues of anger,
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we need to be mindful of the
fact that we do have a choice.
00:11:58.07\00:12:00.50
That the emotion that we choose,
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the response that
we choose is ours.
00:12:03.02\00:12:05.37
And that we have the opportunity
to be led by the spirit of God,
00:12:05.40\00:12:10.38
to make the right choice.
00:12:10.41\00:12:12.35
One that's going to
build up the marriage.
00:12:12.38\00:12:14.08
One that's going to
build up the relationship.
00:12:14.11\00:12:16.90
Well, here's what Ephesians
4:31 has to say on anger.
00:12:18.82\00:12:23.04
Obviously, God knew that if
we're going to be His children,
00:12:33.60\00:12:37.16
that we have to behave in ways
00:12:37.19\00:12:39.89
that represent
Him, that honor Him.
00:12:39.92\00:12:42.36
Certainly being
bitter is not a Godly way.
00:12:42.39\00:12:45.78
And having malice
is not a Godly way.
00:12:45.81\00:12:48.66
And so, as we
read our Bibles more,
00:12:48.69\00:12:51.71
as we connect
with Jesus every day,
00:12:51.74\00:12:53.69
what we know is that we
become more and more like Him.
00:12:53.72\00:12:57.21
But instead of
choosing anger, we choose peace.
00:12:57.24\00:13:00.61
But instead of doing it
negatively, we do it positively.
00:13:00.64\00:13:03.91
Because we're
representing Jesus in our home.
00:13:03.94\00:13:06.53
Not only that, we're
modeling for our children.
00:13:06.56\00:13:09.02
And when they become adults
and have their own marriages,
00:13:09.05\00:13:12.31
they will respond in
ways that were naturally
00:13:12.34\00:13:15.77
presented to
them in their homes.
00:13:15.80\00:13:17.74
Well, we need to go to break,
but we'll be right back shortly.
00:13:17.77\00:13:21.00
So stick around, stay with us.
00:13:21.03\00:13:22.74
We have much more
to talk about anger.
00:13:22.77\00:13:24.43
And thank you
for staying with us.
00:13:24.46\00:13:26.49
We'll see you soon.
00:13:26.52\00:13:27.63
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Welcome back to our
discussion on married and angry.
00:14:09.32\00:14:13.40
We've been talking about
the issue of anger and how to
00:14:13.43\00:14:17.31
deal with it, and the
fact that we have choices.
00:14:17.34\00:14:19.89
That the emotion of anger
in itself is not the problem,
00:14:19.92\00:14:23.64
but how we express,
how we deal with anger,
00:14:23.67\00:14:26.39
how we manage our anger.
00:14:26.42\00:14:27.75
So we want to talk a little
bit about how we can respond,
00:14:27.78\00:14:31.66
or how people usually
respond, and then we'll share
00:14:31.69\00:14:34.54
some ways in which we
can better handle anger
00:14:34.57\00:14:40.89
specifically in our marriage.
00:14:40.92\00:14:42.98
And of course, as we
talk about marriage concepts,
00:14:43.01\00:14:45.93
these concepts, these skills
are transferrable to other areas
00:14:45.96\00:14:49.82
of our lives.
00:14:49.85\00:14:50.85
So one of the things that we do
when we are responding to anger
00:14:50.88\00:14:56.09
is that sometimes
we suppress anger.
00:14:56.12\00:14:58.94
Sometimes we pretend
as if we're not angry.
00:14:58.97\00:15:02.89
And that's a problem
because if we are angry
00:15:02.92\00:15:06.00
and we do have this emotion,
we've got to figure out how to
00:15:06.03\00:15:08.82
deal with it.
00:15:08.85\00:15:09.82
Because if we continually
act as if we're not angry, then
00:15:09.83\00:15:13.85
at some point, I imagine
it's going to be like a volcano.
00:15:13.88\00:15:17.48
And it's going to explode.
00:15:17.51\00:15:19.05
Indeed.
00:15:19.55\00:15:21.00
There's also another
way in which we handle anger
00:15:21.03\00:15:23.22
and that is we repress anger.
00:15:23.25\00:15:25.43
And when we repress
anger, it simply means that
00:15:25.46\00:15:29.34
we know we're
angry, but then we try to
00:15:29.37\00:15:31.79
put it under our consciousness.
00:15:31.82\00:15:34.07
You know, we just
want to forget about it.
00:15:34.10\00:15:36.94
We want to sweep it
under the carpet, as it were.
00:15:36.97\00:15:40.51
What happens with
repressed anger is that
00:15:40.54\00:15:44.18
you result with
some clinical issues and
00:15:44.21\00:15:46.61
one of them is depression.
00:15:46.64\00:15:48.21
Because the anger is there,
you haven't dealt with it,
00:15:48.24\00:15:51.08
you haven't managed it,
you haven't processed it.
00:15:51.11\00:15:55.98
and if it's in you,
it's going to affect you.
00:15:56.01\00:15:58.61
And invariably,
people get depressed
00:15:58.64\00:16:00.25
when they have repressed anger.
00:16:00.28\00:16:02.74
Well, another way of dealing
with anger is we express anger.
00:16:02.77\00:16:07.20
And that's usually how
many people deal with anger.
00:16:07.23\00:16:11.70
And we just explode.
00:16:11.73\00:16:13.46
And we may explode by
yelling, and we may say things
00:16:13.49\00:16:21.00
that we can't take back.
00:16:21.03\00:16:23.52
And we may damage or
hurt our relationship
00:16:23.55\00:16:27.57
because of the way
we've expressed our anger.
00:16:27.60\00:16:30.82
Yes, there's another that we
relate to anger as individuals
00:16:31.12\00:16:34.95
and this is a better way.
00:16:34.98\00:16:35.95
And that is we confess anger.
00:16:35.96\00:16:37.49
Instead of suppressing it,
or repressing it, or exploding,
00:16:37.52\00:16:43.87
we confess anger.
00:16:43.90\00:16:46.40
And the way to confess anger is
simply to acknowledge the fact
00:16:46.43\00:16:49.44
that' you're probably not very
happy with what has happened.
00:16:49.47\00:16:52.40
And if you're communicating
with your spouse, do it in a way
00:16:52.43\00:16:55.68
that's not destructive.
00:16:55.71\00:16:57.01
For example, and I think the
word is good "confessing anger",
00:16:57.04\00:17:01.25
acknowledge to yourself
that whatever happened just now
00:17:01.28\00:17:05.35
didn't feel good.
00:17:05.38\00:17:06.35
And so, I want to share
it with my spouse because
00:17:06.36\00:17:09.41
I want her or him to be aware of
the fact that when this happens
00:17:09.44\00:17:13.10
in our relationship,
it causes bad feelings.
00:17:13.13\00:17:15.74
So, how do you confess anger?
00:17:15.77\00:17:17.44
You confess anger
by using "I" messages.
00:17:17.47\00:17:21.26
Instead of accusing your spouse
and saying, "You did this.
00:17:21.29\00:17:25.26
And that's why I'm
feeling this way. "
00:17:25.29\00:17:26.74
Well first of all,
soften the startup.
00:17:26.77\00:17:29.79
Calm down a little
bit and use "I" messages.
00:17:29.82\00:17:32.88
"I feel angry when we agreed
that we would go to church
00:17:32.91\00:17:38.41
at 9:00 in the morning so
that we can get there in time
00:17:38.44\00:17:41.65
for Sabbath school.
00:17:41.68\00:17:42.65
But every Sabbath, it appears
to me that when it's time to go,
00:17:42.66\00:17:48.09
we're not ready,
somebody's not ready.
00:17:48.12\00:17:50.77
And invariably we
get to church late. "
00:17:50.80\00:17:52.84
So, it's a bad
feeling that you have.
00:17:52.87\00:17:56.33
And if you say it in a
nice way, confessing anger.
00:17:56.36\00:17:59.84
Not exploding, not repressing,
not suppressing, but confessing.
00:17:59.87\00:18:05.07
That might be a good
way to manage the anger
00:18:05.10\00:18:08.44
and to build up the
marital relationship
00:18:08.47\00:18:11.58
and to get more
understanding between you.
00:18:11.61\00:18:13.36
Because in marriage,
we want to understand.
00:18:13.39\00:18:15.63
Absolutely, and when
we do that we feel better
00:18:16.33\00:18:19.66
because we haven't suppressed it
or repressed it, or said things
00:18:19.69\00:18:26.19
that were
destructive to the relationship.
00:18:26.22\00:18:29.07
But we are sharing with
our mate how we really feel.
00:18:29.10\00:18:32.71
Now there are some unhealthy
ways of dealing with anger.
00:18:32.74\00:18:36.48
And one of those ways
is to ignore your feelings.
00:18:36.51\00:18:39.16
And that would go along
with suppressing or repressing
00:18:39.19\00:18:41.61
where we ignore the
feelings and we bury it.
00:18:41.64\00:18:43.92
And that's
injurious to our bodies.
00:18:43.95\00:18:45.98
Another unhealthy way of
dealing with anger is just
00:18:47.08\00:18:50.43
allowing your
stomach to handle it.
00:18:50.53\00:18:52.00
You know, you're angry,
you're frustrated and instead of
00:18:52.03\00:18:55.90
calming yourself
down, acknowledging that
00:18:55.93\00:18:57.90
things are happening
that you don't want to happen,
00:18:57.93\00:19:01.22
you are just going at it in a
way that is almost ignoring it
00:19:01.25\00:19:06.81
and then people get ulcers.
00:19:06.84\00:19:08.20
That's why lots of
people have stomach problems,
00:19:08.23\00:19:10.37
they have bowel buildup
because they allow the anger
00:19:10.40\00:19:14.28
to go into their system.
00:19:14.31\00:19:15.63
I've also heard some
people say, "I'm not angry. "
00:19:16.43\00:19:19.08
And someone might say, well if
someone says they're not angry,
00:19:20.48\00:19:23.27
then perhaps they're not angry.
00:19:23.30\00:19:24.38
But if there's
something that is done to you
00:19:24.41\00:19:27.88
that is creating stress
or even worse than that,
00:19:27.91\00:19:32.99
something that is insulting
to you, more than likely
00:19:33.02\00:19:37.89
the emotion that's
going to come up is anger.
00:19:37.92\00:19:40.84
And so, saying "I'm not
angry" is not a healthy way
00:19:40.87\00:19:45.85
of dealing with anger.
00:19:45.88\00:19:47.32
Actually, when you were saying
that, the visual in my head was
00:19:47.35\00:19:51.99
a little bit more explosive.
00:19:52.02\00:19:53.73
"I'm not angry. I"M NOT ANGRY!"
00:19:53.76\00:19:55.74
You know, you
could have fooled me.
00:19:55.77\00:19:57.81
You're not angry
but you're yelling.
00:19:57.84\00:19:59.84
So it's almost
like a contradiction.
00:19:59.87\00:20:02.32
That you're telling
yourself one thing, but
00:20:02.35\00:20:04.24
whatever is coming out, it
really is not a good thing.
00:20:04.27\00:20:07.68
Another way people have a way in
marriage of dealing with anger
00:20:07.71\00:20:11.76
is by scoring
points against their mate.
00:20:11.79\00:20:15.36
Now, that is a
foolish way of handling it.
00:20:15.39\00:20:18.05
And let me tell you why.
00:20:18.08\00:20:19.20
Because
marriage is a team sport.
00:20:19.23\00:20:22.11
We're on the same team.
00:20:22.14\00:20:23.66
So my scoring
points against my mate
00:20:23.69\00:20:26.12
is not going to help anyone.
00:20:26.15\00:20:27.84
It doesn't help anyone because
what we want to do in marriage
00:20:27.87\00:20:30.44
is we want to build it up.
00:20:30.47\00:20:31.84
We want to make is strong,
we want to make it nurturing,
00:20:31.87\00:20:34.73
we want to make a kind
place, a welcoming place.
00:20:34.76\00:20:38.23
So when I score
points against my mate,
00:20:38.26\00:20:40.58
it is like playing
basketball or any sport and
00:20:40.61\00:20:45.96
kicking a goal
into my own goal post.
00:20:46.04\00:20:48.20
Now that is not very smart.
00:20:48.40\00:20:50.00
So if you're married, you
want to do things together.
00:20:50.03\00:20:52.53
You want build each other up
rather than put each other down.
00:20:52.56\00:20:55.48
So scoring points against
my mate is not a good idea.
00:20:55.51\00:20:58.00
Because in
marriage, we want to win.
00:20:58.03\00:21:00.47
And we win, the marriage wins.
00:21:00.50\00:21:03.11
It's not about me
or you. It's about us.
00:21:03.14\00:21:06.02
Well, another unhealthy
form of expressing anger is to
00:21:07.22\00:21:10.92
blame your mate
as loudly as you can.
00:21:10.95\00:21:14.18
And that's also not
going to help any because
00:21:14.21\00:21:19.64
it's not going to
resolve any situation.
00:21:19.67\00:21:22.19
You haven't shared, you haven't
confessed that you're angry.
00:21:22.22\00:21:25.80
And so blaming your
spouse, even if your spouse
00:21:25.83\00:21:30.07
may have created the
situation where you are
00:21:30.10\00:21:33.88
feeling this emotion of
anger, it's not going to help
00:21:33.91\00:21:38.06
the situation any
to blame your mate.
00:21:38.09\00:21:40.89
So that's an unhealthy
way of dealing with anger.
00:21:40.92\00:21:44.91
And then when you say
when your spouse has created
00:21:44.94\00:21:47.02
the situation, the
truth of the matter is,
00:21:47.05\00:21:49.26
again, we are in relationships
that are not perfect.
00:21:49.29\00:21:53.05
And because we are in
relationships that are not
00:21:53.08\00:21:54.61
perfect, your spouse, whether
it's a husband or a wife,
00:21:54.64\00:21:57.51
they're bound to
say something that
00:21:57.54\00:22:00.03
is not what you want to hear.
00:22:00.06\00:22:01.96
That's just a reality of life.
00:22:01.99\00:22:03.87
But, if they say something
that's not nice to you,
00:22:03.90\00:22:08.79
you have a choice of the way
you respond to what was said.
00:22:08.82\00:22:13.33
So choose joy, choose
peace, choose kindness.
00:22:13.36\00:22:18.09
And confess it.
00:22:18.12\00:22:19.75
Take the opportunity to say
something using "I" messages.
00:22:19.78\00:22:24.36
"You know, when this
happens in our relationship,
00:22:24.39\00:22:26.58
I feel taken for granted. "
00:22:26.61\00:22:28.25
"I feel taken for granted. "
00:22:28.28\00:22:29.87
When I use "I"
messages, I'm taking
00:22:29.90\00:22:31.63
responsibility for myself.
00:22:31.66\00:22:33.06
And instead of
accusing my spouse of anything,
00:22:33.09\00:22:35.76
I take responsibility.
00:22:35.79\00:22:37.44
Now you may not even have
known that what you were saying
00:22:37.47\00:22:40.68
or doing was
causing me distress or pain.
00:22:40.71\00:22:43.10
So it doesn't have
to be a confrontation
00:22:43.80\00:22:46.51
every single time something
is said or done in marriage
00:22:46.54\00:22:50.22
to cause pain or hurt.
00:22:50.25\00:22:52.51
Because invariably, it's
not being done on purpose.
00:22:52.54\00:22:55.35
And we need to be able
to know the difference.
00:22:55.38\00:22:56.89
But regardless of what is
done, the choice needs to be
00:22:56.92\00:23:00.58
a response that's
going to build up,
00:23:00.61\00:23:04.15
that's going to enlighten,
that's going to bring us closer,
00:23:04.18\00:23:07.23
that's going to give us
more knowledge about each other
00:23:07.26\00:23:09.18
rather than
breaking and destroying
00:23:09.21\00:23:11.16
the marriage relationship.
00:23:11.19\00:23:12.64
So then I can choose to
rely on the power of God
00:23:13.14\00:23:18.02
and make a choice to
handle my anger in a way
00:23:18.05\00:23:24.21
that is going to be
healing to my relationship.
00:23:24.24\00:23:27.23
I have that choice, I
have that power because
00:23:27.26\00:23:30.02
I can do all things through
Christ who gives me strength.
00:23:30.05\00:23:32.03
And then another way of how
people handle anger in marriage,
00:23:32.73\00:23:36.33
they just walk out and
feel sorry for themselves.
00:23:36.36\00:23:38.24
"Oh you know, I never get
anything here in this place.
00:23:38.27\00:23:40.95
You know, I'm
always being insulted,
00:23:40.98\00:23:42.71
I'm always the bad one. "
00:23:42.74\00:23:43.71
And just walk out,
feel sorry for yourself.
00:23:43.72\00:23:46.06
We call that
withdrawal and avoidance.
00:23:46.09\00:23:48.56
And that response will
never build your marriage up.
00:23:48.59\00:23:52.39
Because you
don't want to avoid it,
00:23:52.42\00:23:54.19
you don't want to deny it.
00:23:54.22\00:23:55.92
You want to
handle it, deal with it,
00:23:55.95\00:23:57.95
accept the fact
that it's happening,
00:23:57.98\00:23:59.56
and then deal with
it in a Christ like way.
00:23:59.59\00:24:02.52
So let's share then some
healthy ways to handle anger.
00:24:03.63\00:24:08.55
There are
certainly some healthy ways.
00:24:08.58\00:24:10.14
And one of the first
things that we can do
00:24:10.17\00:24:12.22
is to be aware of our emotions.
00:24:12.25\00:24:14.43
Be aware of what the emotion is.
00:24:14.46\00:24:16.83
A few years ago,
someone gave us a little magnet
00:24:16.86\00:24:19.97
to put on our refrigerator.
00:24:20.00\00:24:22.01
And it had a list
of maybe 15 emotions.
00:24:22.04\00:24:26.74
And then there's a little
circle and every day you can put
00:24:26.77\00:24:29.75
the little circle
on how you're feeling.
00:24:29.78\00:24:31.62
And there are little faces and
it shows whether you're happy,
00:24:31.65\00:24:34.32
or sad, or angry, or
mad, or whatever else.
00:24:34.35\00:24:37.73
And so what's good about it
is that it helps us to identify
00:24:37.76\00:24:42.57
how we're feeling.
00:24:42.67\00:24:43.77
What is the emotion
that I am experiencing.
00:24:43.80\00:24:46.93
And be able to
call it what it is.
00:24:46.96\00:24:50.14
Well, and what you want
to do is don't be afraid
00:24:50.17\00:24:52.35
to admit your emotion.
00:24:52.38\00:24:53.48
If I'm feeling frustrated,
admit it to yourself.
00:24:53.51\00:24:56.34
Before you lash
out, before you express,
00:24:56.37\00:24:59.87
admit it to yourself.
00:24:59.90\00:25:00.87
It's ok to admit it to yourself.
00:25:00.88\00:25:02.57
And say to yourself,
"You know, I'm not feeling
00:25:02.60\00:25:04.16
good about what's
happening here right now. "
00:25:04.19\00:25:06.18
And that is a good
way of not ignoring
00:25:06.21\00:25:08.69
but of managing your emotions.
00:25:08.72\00:25:10.79
Certainly.
00:25:11.37\00:25:12.34
One of the other
things, as I said earlier,
00:25:12.35\00:25:14.05
is that I can decide
what to do with the emotion.
00:25:14.08\00:25:17.67
I can decide how to
handle my emotion before
00:25:17.70\00:25:22.80
I share the
emotion with my spouse.
00:25:22.83\00:25:25.04
So, I know that we
said earlier that you can
00:25:25.07\00:25:27.05
share with your
spouse, "I feel angry. "
00:25:27.08\00:25:29.12
Well, a good
thing to do is decide,
00:25:29.15\00:25:31.56
after I'm aware of
that emotion, I can decide
00:25:31.59\00:25:35.16
how I'm going to deal with it.
00:25:35.19\00:25:36.92
And I can choose to
share it, to confess it, to say
00:25:36.95\00:25:41.67
"I feel angry when this happens
00:25:41.70\00:25:44.04
but I'm not going to allow
myself to express this anger
00:25:44.07\00:25:48.08
in a negative way. "
00:25:48.11\00:25:49.40
So what you're
saying is you want to decide
00:25:49.43\00:25:51.19
what to do with that emotion.
00:25:51.22\00:25:52.56
Correct.
00:25:52.66\00:25:53.63
That is a
wonderful way of handling it.
00:25:53.64\00:25:55.06
You know, deciding
what to do with the emotion.
00:25:55.09\00:25:56.95
Solomon has
something to say in the book of
00:25:57.15\00:25:59.48
Proverbs 16:32 on anger.
00:25:59.51\00:26:02.86
And it's a
wonderful thing that it says.
00:26:02.89\00:26:04.53
In other words, the person
who knows how to manage anger
00:26:14.75\00:26:17.16
is greater than a big warrior.
00:26:17.19\00:26:19.62
Just because you're big and bold
and bad doesn't make it good.
00:26:19.65\00:26:23.46
Right.
00:26:24.75\00:26:25.72
So, making peace a
priority in our home.
00:26:25.73\00:26:28.73
And Ellen White has some words
on this in the Adventist Home.
00:26:28.76\00:26:31.69
It's interesting that anger
often lurks around families.
00:26:54.79\00:26:59.83
And someone once said, "Conflict
is the manure of marriage.
00:27:00.23\00:27:04.57
It doesn't smell
very good, but without it
00:27:04.60\00:27:06.92
there's no real growth. "
00:27:06.95\00:27:08.30
So it means, yes
we're not perfect.
00:27:08.33\00:27:10.94
But when things are
happening in our relationships,
00:27:10.97\00:27:13.33
let's use it as an
opportunity to grow.
00:27:13.36\00:27:16.02
Let's use it as an opportunity
to find out what's going wrong.
00:27:16.05\00:27:19.61
Talk about it. Don't ignore it.
00:27:19.64\00:27:21.39
Don't deny it.
Admit it and confess it.
00:27:21.42\00:27:25.79
And express it
in a way that will
00:27:25.83\00:27:27.68
help build your marriage up.
00:27:27.71\00:27:29.84
What's wonderful for us
as Christians is that we know
00:27:30.14\00:27:33.81
we have the promise of success.
00:27:33.84\00:27:35.52
Philippians 4:13.
00:27:35.55\00:27:36.93
We can do all things through
Christ who gives us strength.
00:27:36.96\00:27:40.34
So trust God, trust
Him with your emotions
00:27:40.37\00:27:43.01
and it's going to be just fine.
00:27:43.04\00:27:44.69