Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
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and a Marriage
and Family Consultant
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted you
could join us today.
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When we talk to
people about family
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and especially in
marriage, one of the main issues
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that arises out of the
context of being married
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is having children.
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Now, having children
is a wonderful privilege,
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an honor and opportunity.
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But what's most important
in the whole enterprise
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of having children is leaving
a legacy that is wonderful,
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a legacy that leads
them to Jesus Christ,
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and one that leaves them
with support and feeling stable.
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In order to do this, having
a great marriage really helps.
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So, while we're
thinking about being parents,
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we need to think about
having a great marriage.
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Because when we have a great
marriage, it gives the kind of
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comfort that children
need to thrive in society.
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That's very true.
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We are doing our
children a favor when we
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make our marriage a priority.
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And that's why we felt that
it was very important for us to
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take some time out to
talk about what it's like
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to be married with children.
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We wanted to begin by sharing
a text from Proverbs 22:6.
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And it says:
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It's a wonderful text
because it speaks about
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responsibility of parents.
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What we ought to be doing and
how we ought to be interfacing
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and interacting
with our children.
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There are different ways
of approaching that text.
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But essentially the
text is talking about,
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pay attention to your child,
what kind of child he or she is.
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What are their strengths,
what are their weaknesses?
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And don't try to
treat them all the same
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because they're not the same.
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There's another text in
scripture, the book of Matthew.
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Matthew 19:14-15, where Jesus
is approaching the children
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and this is what it says:
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This again, is the text
when He was out there speaking
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and mothers brought
their children to Jesus.
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And apparently the disciples,
some of them were not too keen
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on Jesus
speaking to the children.
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And so, the question we ask
you is, "Are you like Jesus?"
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When it comes to
interacting with children,
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are you like Jesus?
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Are you open, are you
willing to receive them?
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Do you not see them as a bother?
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Apparently the disciples
thought that the children
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we're going to bother Jesus.
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But Jesus'
response to the children
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was indicative of His
stance when it came to them.
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Another question
that we can ask is,
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"Do children like
being around you?"
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Are you a magnet for children?
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One of the things that I enjoyed
doing before I had children,
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was teaching Sabbath school,
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teaching the
children Sabbath school.
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And it gave me an opportunity
to interact with small children.
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I love teaching kindergarten
Sabbath school because
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5 year olds are so honest.
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At that point they're
very verbal and they can
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share with you, and
they don't have filters.
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So children will tell you
exactly what's on their minds.
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And they can also
sense if you are genuine.
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That's what's so amazing
to me about small children.
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And so, do children
enjoy being around you?
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That's one of the
ways in which we can
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get so much from this text.
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Because the children
enjoyed being around Jesus.
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As parents, our words
and actions will determine
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how our children perceive God.
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The question to
ask is, are we kind,
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are we compassionate, are
we patient with our children?
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What do we say to them?
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What kind of language do we
use when we interact with them?
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Do they feel that when you come
home, they want to come to you?
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Is that something that
they want to do because you're a
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welcoming, warm,
caring, and nurturing person?
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The way we treat children
will have much to do with
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how they perceive God.
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Do they see God
as a loving person or
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is God not so
loving, not so kind?
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Well in addition, if
parents are forgiving.
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Small children
will make mistakes.
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Well, we all make
mistakes, not just as children.
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But they begin to form their
understanding of who God is
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through their parents, and
how their parents treat them.
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So, to a small child,
their parents are their way
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of perceiving God.
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So, if we are
forgiving to our children,
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then they will
perceive God as a forgiving God.
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In addition, are we critical?
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Do we treat them in
a way where they are
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fearful to be themselves?
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And again, their perception of
God will be through this filter
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of who their
parents are to them.
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What we found is that
many adults have difficulty
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connecting with God.
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They have
difficulty coming to God.
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And that difficulty arises out
of their experience as children,
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and how they were
treated by their parents.
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If their parents were nurturing,
if their parents spent time
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teaching them about God
in a Christ like manner.
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And it's not only
about reading scripture,
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it's not only
about having worship.
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It about what happens
when we're not having worship,
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what happens when
we're not reading scripture,
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what happens when
we're not praying.
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Because we can pray all
that we want, all we want.
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And if we're not in an attitude
of kindness and we don't convey
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the kind of character that
attracts our children to us,
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that's the way
they're going to perceive God.
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So much so that when they're
adults, they're afraid of God.
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God is not someone
they want to come to.
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Because if we've been critical
and we've been constrictive,
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that's the way
they're going to perceive God.
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So, as we
interact in our marriage,
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as we interact as
parents, the way we do that
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will have much to do with
what happens to our children
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as adults, and what
happens in their own personal
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relationships with God.
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You know, I love
think about Jesus as one who
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enjoys children.
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When we were growing up, we
had those wonderful pictures
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in Our Little Friends, the
little Bible study quarterly's.
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And there's this
wonderful picture where Christ
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has the children on His
lap, and then there are other
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children around Him.
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And I always have this
picture of Christ as someone who
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enjoys hearing the
children laugh out loud.
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Who didn't mind
if they just giggled
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and threw
themselves on the floor
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and enjoyed being around Him.
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And perhaps He
enjoyed the children
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with the sticky fingers.
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That He didn't mind if they had
their fingers in gooey stuff.
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And they came up to Him and
He didn't shun them and say,
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"Get away, your
hands are dirty. "
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Just little things like
that we don't think about.
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Perhaps if they spill something,
He was someone who said,
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"Hey I'll spill my stuff too and
we can just play in the spill. "
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And we don't think
about those things when we
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deal with children.
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We are so quick
to chastise them.
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Or to tell them to "be quiet,
you're making too much noise. "
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And that is
presenting to children an image
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of who we are as parents.
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And perhaps that's how
they think about God as well.
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Especially when we think
about church and Sabbath school,
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and how we expect
children to behave on Sabbath.
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What I'm thinking
Elaine, is that, if as parents
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we would look at Jesus'
attitude towards the children,
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that Jesus could be a
model of what kind of parent
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we should be.
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Obviously, He was not uptight.
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He was welcoming, He was open.
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He enjoyed kids
being around Him.
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And as you said, he probably
would enjoy the kids who
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laughed out loud and who
weren't so prim and proper.
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Because many times, we give the
impression in Christian families
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that to be good Christian
parents and to have a good
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Christian home, our
kids need to be quiet
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and just sitting without moving.
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And we take them to church
and we expect small children to
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do that, and it's just not
natural for children to do that.
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So, if as parents we could
look at Jesus as our model;
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kind, patient,
nurturing, understanding,
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I think that we would
be much better parents.
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One of the things I love to
do is to watch small children
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during the children's story
at church when they come up.
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And I've often heard other
parents say, "Oh look at that
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little boy who's
running all over the place. "
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And you know,
"He's such a bad kid. "
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And what I like to say is,
"He's such an inquisitive kid. "
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And imagine the legacy, the
spiritual legacy we can pass on
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to that child by
affirming his inquisitiveness.
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By affirming him and reaching
out to him in an environment of
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openness so that he can
trust the adults in his world.
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I think that if we're
going to develop a sweet spirit,
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as parents we ought to develop
a sweet spirit in our marriages.
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Because, if we get
along as husbands and wives,
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if we get along and we create
an environment in our homes
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that's a kind and
friendly and warm environment,
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then we pass that on
to our children as well.
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For sure, because children
are truly a blessing from God.
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And one of the things that
children do is they certainly do
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make our lives more
richer and more rewarding.
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I know that I have
found that to be the case.
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I think I'm a much better person
because I have been given the
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opportunity to
raise God's children.
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And it's a very serious matter
to bring children into this
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world, whether by birth or
by adoption, and to raise them.
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I see it as God trusting
me with His little ones,
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His children here on earth.
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Some say that it's children that
make a couple into a family.
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To be sure, there are
individuals who are child free.
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Some by choice, others
because they're unable to do so.
00:12:07.03\00:12:11.23
But despite that reality, I
want to take this opportunity to
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say that children truly
enrich a home, enrich a family.
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And they're a blessing from God.
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They certainly are.
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Now, we need to be careful
that we don't think that by
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having children, it's going
to make our marriage better.
00:12:29.56\00:12:35.89
That just because we
have children, we're going to
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have better marriages.
00:12:38.50\00:12:39.82
Indeed, because
children bring pressure,
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added pressure to marriage.
00:12:42.84\00:12:44.25
And because they bring
added pressure to marriage,
00:12:44.28\00:12:47.32
we need to be sure that our
marriage is balanced and stable,
00:12:47.35\00:12:52.98
and at the point where we
can, in fact, handle children.
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Because they're going
to bring pressure to us.
00:12:56.32\00:12:58.37
And unless we pay attention
and are ready for them,
00:12:58.40\00:13:01.85
it's going to take
down our level of marital
00:13:01.88\00:13:05.83
satisfaction and stability.
00:13:05.86\00:13:07.67
That's very true.
00:13:07.70\00:13:09.29
So, we need to be sure that
we are clearly understanding
00:13:09.32\00:13:15.19
what God is trying to do by
allowing us to have children,
00:13:15.22\00:13:19.72
and what they bring into
our home and into our family.
00:13:19.75\00:13:22.90
And one of the other things it
also does is that it helps us to
00:13:22.93\00:13:26.35
better understand
who we are to God.
00:13:26.38\00:13:29.88
We're going to be
talking some more about this.
00:13:30.68\00:13:32.56
But right now,
we're going to break.
00:13:32.59\00:13:34.09
So, stick around.
We'll be right back.
00:13:34.12\00:13:36.98
There are many "How
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But there's one that's free
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00:14:03.15\00:14:05.11
Welcome back.
00:14:19.90\00:14:21.17
We're continuing our
topic on married with children.
00:14:21.20\00:14:24.32
One of the things that
we've been talking about
00:14:24.35\00:14:26.90
is that children
are a blessing from God.
00:14:26.93\00:14:29.77
And it's not to
be taken lightly.
00:14:29.80\00:14:31.42
This is a really serious
matter when we're talking
00:14:31.45\00:14:34.31
about having children.
00:14:34.34\00:14:35.31
And I often say to
families that they need to think
00:14:35.32\00:14:39.48
very carefully
before they decide to bring
00:14:39.51\00:14:42.40
children into this world.
00:14:42.43\00:14:44.52
And we want to stress the
fact that the foundation of
00:14:44.55\00:14:50.98
raising children is
having a strong marriage.
00:14:51.01\00:14:53.64
It's really important
that we focus on our marriage,
00:14:53.67\00:14:56.42
that we make it a
priority if we're going to raise
00:14:56.45\00:14:59.63
happy and healthy children.
00:14:59.66\00:15:01.50
Well, there's a lot of research
out there that suggests that
00:15:01.80\00:15:07.36
couples who have
children experience lower levels
00:15:07.39\00:15:10.08
of marital
satisfaction and stability.
00:15:10.11\00:15:11.87
And while that might
seem strange, it is true.
00:15:11.90\00:15:15.98
In fact, I found that
in my own research that
00:15:16.01\00:15:19.23
couples with children under
18 at home have lower levels
00:15:19.26\00:15:24.35
of marital satisfaction
and stability than couples who
00:15:24.38\00:15:27.07
no longer have
children those ages at home.
00:15:27.10\00:15:29.47
Because they bring stress.
00:15:29.50\00:15:31.27
And by that I mean it
doesn't mean that you're
00:15:31.30\00:15:33.50
not enjoying your children.
00:15:33.53\00:15:34.69
But it means that you have to
manage more pieces in your day.
00:15:34.72\00:15:39.74
If you have children at
home, you need to be making
00:15:39.77\00:15:42.04
sure that they have breakfast,
that they're getting to
00:15:42.07\00:15:44.66
school on time, that they're
working on their homework.
00:15:44.69\00:15:47.23
And if you both have
very stressful careers,
00:15:47.26\00:15:51.76
if you are both
working outside of the home,
00:15:51.79\00:15:53.88
that makes for a
more difficult situation.
00:15:53.91\00:15:55.80
It doesn't mean that
it can't be rewarding.
00:15:55.83\00:15:57.80
But it certainly means
that it's going to cause
00:15:57.83\00:15:59.56
a little bit more pressure.
00:15:59.59\00:16:00.84
And so, while people are
sad when their kids leave home
00:16:00.87\00:16:04.81
to go to college, and
that's where we are right now,
00:16:04.84\00:16:06.90
it's not all bad.
00:16:06.93\00:16:08.68
You get to have each
other all to yourselves again.
00:16:08.71\00:16:11.70
And the research says
that your level of satisfaction
00:16:11.73\00:16:17.45
climbs a little,
and also your stability.
00:16:17.48\00:16:20.45
But that's only if you had a
stable and satisfying marriage
00:16:20.48\00:16:23.54
before the kids left home.
00:16:23.57\00:16:25.09
That's correct.
00:16:25.12\00:16:26.22
Someone once said that
the best thing that a father
00:16:26.25\00:16:29.24
can do for his children
is to love their mother.
00:16:29.27\00:16:32.42
And I imagine that the
same is true for mothers.
00:16:32.45\00:16:36.32
That the best thing that a
mother can do for her children
00:16:36.35\00:16:39.07
is to love their father.
00:16:39.10\00:16:40.73
And so, we're talking about
stability and satisfaction.
00:16:41.13\00:16:44.38
And we're talking about
creating a home environment,
00:16:44.88\00:16:48.52
creating a legacy that
our children can grow up with.
00:16:48.55\00:16:52.49
And creating an
environment that is loving.
00:16:52.52\00:16:55.32
And so, if we love each other,
then our children will see that.
00:16:55.35\00:16:59.47
And they will feel
secure, they will very secure
00:16:59.50\00:17:04.12
in knowing that their
parents love each other.
00:17:04.15\00:17:06.15
Now, are we talking about
a perfect home environment?
00:17:06.18\00:17:09.20
Absolutely not.
00:17:09.23\00:17:10.36
But it goes back to what
we were saying earlier about
00:17:10.39\00:17:13.37
teaching forgiveness.
00:17:13.40\00:17:15.98
So, there are going to be
issues, there are going to be
00:17:16.01\00:17:18.19
bumps in the road, as
we've said in other segments.
00:17:18.22\00:17:20.96
How we handle those
difficulties, how we handle
00:17:20.99\00:17:24.82
those bumps in the road,
we'll pass onto our children
00:17:24.85\00:17:28.00
how to be in relationships.
00:17:28.03\00:17:30.24
And it will create a safe
environment for the children.
00:17:30.27\00:17:33.60
You know, that reminds me
of a time when our daughter
00:17:33.63\00:17:37.47
Jessica, was probably
about 11 or 12 years old.
00:17:37.50\00:17:42.38
And we knew that there was
a friend, one of her friends
00:17:42.58\00:17:46.97
in her class whose parents
were going through a divorce.
00:17:47.00\00:17:49.47
And she had shared
that with us how difficult
00:17:49.50\00:17:51.76
it was for her friend.
00:17:51.79\00:17:52.94
And I remember one day, right
before I was going to take her
00:17:52.97\00:17:56.11
to pathfinders, you and I were
getting into a little skirmish.
00:17:56.24\00:18:01.55
I shouldn't say skirmish.
00:18:01.58\00:18:04.07
It sounds like we
were having words.
00:18:04.10\00:18:06.66
They were stronger
than they should have been.
00:18:06.69\00:18:08.41
And by the time I got into
the car, I think you called me.
00:18:08.61\00:18:12.02
and apologized. I did.
00:18:12.05\00:18:13.17
And said, "You know, I'm really
sorry for what happened. "
00:18:13.20\00:18:15.91
And then you
said something funny.
00:18:15.94\00:18:17.34
And so I was laughing
on the phone with you.
00:18:17.37\00:18:19.75
And then Jessica
said, "Was that daddy?"
00:18:19.78\00:18:24.14
And I said, "Yes it was. "
00:18:24.17\00:18:25.77
I said, "How did you know that?"
00:18:25.80\00:18:26.77
I said, "Because I just knew. "
00:18:26.78\00:18:28.06
She said because she
just knew it was you.
00:18:28.09\00:18:30.23
And I said to her you
know, "Are you concerned
00:18:30.26\00:18:32.84
about us when we argue?"
00:18:32.87\00:18:35.05
And you know, do you think it's
going to cause us to divorce?
00:18:35.08\00:18:39.65
And she said, "Oh no,
no, no. I've never worried. "
00:18:39.68\00:18:42.74
Which made me feel pretty good.
00:18:42.77\00:18:44.50
I thought, well
good. Our child is secure.
00:18:44.53\00:18:46.55
We've done something right.
00:18:46.58\00:18:47.70
And then she went on to
say, "Well, with all the stuff
00:18:47.73\00:18:50.75
you tell people, you guys
tell people about marriage,
00:18:50.78\00:18:54.59
you'd be embarrassed to divorce.
00:18:54.62\00:18:56.98
So, I thought that
was pretty interesting
00:18:57.01\00:19:00.07
and very astute of her.
00:19:00.10\00:19:02.16
Out of the mouth of babes.
00:19:02.19\00:19:03.97
Well, the reality is that
while we want our marriages
00:19:04.00\00:19:07.63
and our families to be
perfect, none of them are.
00:19:07.66\00:19:09.86
We're a human family,
and we're human beings.
00:19:09.89\00:19:12.62
And since we have two
human beings in the parents,
00:19:12.65\00:19:15.20
certainly it's not going
to be a perfect environment.
00:19:15.23\00:19:17.84
But we're not
looking for perfection.
00:19:17.87\00:19:19.26
What we're
looking for is commitment.
00:19:19.29\00:19:20.71
We're also looking for a
measure of nurture and security.
00:19:20.74\00:19:26.53
And the fact that there
is consistency in terms of
00:19:26.56\00:19:29.95
forgiveness, and being
kind and understanding.
00:19:29.98\00:19:32.82
And when one said something
that's not the nicest thing,
00:19:32.85\00:19:35.72
that one can apologize.
00:19:35.75\00:19:36.78
At this point, I'd like to also
say that many times parents feel
00:19:36.81\00:19:40.82
that they should never argue
in front of their children.
00:19:40.85\00:19:43.47
We don't subscribe to
that school of thought.
00:19:43.50\00:19:45.50
And here's the reason why.
00:19:45.53\00:19:46.57
We've worked with young
adults who've been married.
00:19:46.60\00:19:52.20
And here's what we've found.
00:19:52.23\00:19:53.59
That individuals
whose parents divorced,
00:19:53.62\00:19:56.25
are very afraid of talking
about issues and getting into
00:19:56.28\00:20:02.52
disputes and disagreements.
00:20:02.55\00:20:04.75
But individuals whose
parents have stayed together
00:20:04.78\00:20:07.79
seem to have very little concern
about having the dialogue and
00:20:07.82\00:20:12.71
the bantering and
going back and forth.
00:20:12.74\00:20:14.39
Here's what we think, that
children need to be able to see
00:20:14.42\00:20:17.92
that their parents can disagree.
00:20:17.95\00:20:19.72
I'm not talking about yelling
and screaming and being nasty.
00:20:19.75\00:20:23.08
But the fact that
their parents can disagree.
00:20:23.11\00:20:25.36
And they also can see that
despite the fact that their
00:20:25.39\00:20:29.01
parents disagree, that
if someone said something
00:20:29.04\00:20:31.19
out of place, that they
can come back and apologize.
00:20:31.22\00:20:33.49
And by apologizing, they
realize that when you have
00:20:33.52\00:20:38.33
a disagreement, it's
not the end of the marriage.
00:20:38.36\00:20:40.26
There's something else on this
parenting front that I wanted
00:20:40.29\00:20:43.04
to bring up just
at this juncture.
00:20:43.07\00:20:44.31
And that is, parents
need to find balance.
00:20:44.34\00:20:47.87
What do I mean?
00:20:47.90\00:20:49.11
Many times, parents
are on the extremes.
00:20:49.14\00:20:51.17
One too lenient, one too strict.
00:20:51.20\00:20:54.94
And the best for
children is to find balance.
00:20:54.97\00:20:59.55
Be open, be kind.
00:20:59.58\00:21:02.42
Allow your
children to be children.
00:21:02.45\00:21:04.33
Don't be so strict
that they think that
00:21:04.36\00:21:06.95
a sergeant has
arrived when you're there.
00:21:06.98\00:21:09.20
The truth of the matter is,
00:21:09.23\00:21:10.51
fathers usually
tend to be stricter.
00:21:10.54\00:21:13.42
I know I have
been stricter than you.
00:21:13.45\00:21:16.48
And mothers try to
bring things in the middle.
00:21:16.51\00:21:19.32
There were times when I thought
you were just the weakest link.
00:21:19.35\00:21:22.22
çBoth laughingÑ
00:21:22.25\00:21:24.49
I know.
00:21:24.58\00:21:25.95
But it's important, it's
important for children to have
00:21:26.05\00:21:30.44
a balance in their
family and their parents,
00:21:30.47\00:21:32.71
and that you stay in
the middle of the road
00:21:32.74\00:21:34.90
instead of going to extremes.
00:21:34.93\00:21:36.43
Well, this is where it's
really important for parents
00:21:36.46\00:21:39.06
to sit down and talk
about how they're going to
00:21:39.09\00:21:42.94
parent their children.
00:21:42.97\00:21:44.40
One of the things that
we deal with when we do
00:21:44.43\00:21:46.83
premarital education is that we
take a lot of time with couples,
00:21:46.86\00:21:52.36
with premarital couples, to talk
about their styles of parenting.
00:21:52.39\00:21:56.88
And we go over a
pretty extensive inventory
00:21:56.91\00:22:00.04
of their family history.
00:22:00.07\00:22:01.76
How their family did it.
00:22:01.79\00:22:03.78
So that way they come
into the marriage understanding
00:22:03.81\00:22:07.31
where they're coming from in
this whole thing of parenting.
00:22:07.34\00:22:13.30
So it's really crucial,
let's say you didn't do it
00:22:13.70\00:22:17.48
before marriage, that you
sit down while you're married
00:22:17.51\00:22:21.34
when you're
planning to have children,
00:22:21.37\00:22:22.73
when you do have
children, because let's be real.
00:22:22.76\00:22:25.46
Before marriage,
we're very idealistic.
00:22:25.49\00:22:27.69
And it's easy for
us to say anything.
00:22:27.72\00:22:29.86
At least we have the knowledge.
00:22:29.89\00:22:31.38
When we are deciding to
have children or when we are
00:22:31.41\00:22:34.33
into this parenting adventure,
then we want to sit down
00:22:34.36\00:22:38.78
and talk about how we're
going to parent our children.
00:22:38.81\00:22:42.60
Because like you said, one
parent, usually the father,
00:22:42.63\00:22:46.42
is going to be a lot stricter
because fathers think that's how
00:22:46.45\00:22:49.28
they're suppose to be.
00:22:49.31\00:22:50.30
And perhaps that's
how their fathers were.
00:22:50.33\00:22:52.27
And mothers are a
little bit more lenient.
00:22:52.30\00:22:55.17
But one of the things
that marriage researchers say,
00:22:55.20\00:22:57.67
or parenting experts say,
is that fathers need to allow
00:22:57.70\00:23:02.12
their wives, allow the mothers
to bring them to the center.
00:23:02.15\00:23:07.12
And I think that's really
important, that fathers allow
00:23:07.96\00:23:12.61
themselves to be
influenced by their wives
00:23:12.64\00:23:15.64
so that there can
be a good balance.
00:23:15.67\00:23:17.58
And mothers also need to allow
themselves to be influenced
00:23:17.61\00:23:20.87
by their husbands.
00:23:20.90\00:23:21.87
Because
sometimes, in our trying to
00:23:21.88\00:23:24.23
offset what the dads are doing,
then perhaps we are a little
00:23:24.26\00:23:28.64
too lenient because we want to
nurture and love our children.
00:23:28.67\00:23:31.60
And we don't want them
to experience that hurt, and
00:23:31.63\00:23:35.30
maybe that harshness, or what
we perceive as being too harsh.
00:23:35.33\00:23:40.18
Well, I want to jump in
right here and say that while
00:23:40.21\00:23:42.69
this might be the norm,
there are many families where
00:23:42.72\00:23:45.46
the heavy one is the mother.
00:23:45.49\00:23:47.72
And I don't want to
leave out single parents
00:23:48.42\00:23:51.31
who are the only one.
00:23:51.34\00:23:53.74
That's what makes it so
difficult to be a single parent,
00:23:53.77\00:23:56.78
that there's no balance.
00:23:56.81\00:23:58.48
You're on your own.
00:23:58.51\00:23:59.48
If you're a little
stressed that day and you just
00:23:59.49\00:24:03.60
spoke too harshly to
your kids, there's no one
00:24:03.63\00:24:05.76
there to be the buffer.
00:24:05.79\00:24:06.81
There's no good cop, bad cop.
00:24:06.84\00:24:09.15
You're all by yourself.
00:24:09.18\00:24:11.01
And let's face it, God's
ideal is for children to have
00:24:11.04\00:24:14.68
a father and a mother.
00:24:14.71\00:24:16.25
We want to acknowledge the fact,
that's not always the case.
00:24:16.28\00:24:18.81
People divorce,
people are single parents.
00:24:18.84\00:24:22.19
People might lose
a spouse by death.
00:24:22.22\00:24:25.46
But God's ideal is for children
to have fathers and mothers.
00:24:25.49\00:24:29.38
Why? Because
children need that balance.
00:24:29.41\00:24:32.46
And so, we need to be
mindful of the fact that as
00:24:32.49\00:24:35.18
we're negotiating the
whole issue of parenting,
00:24:35.21\00:24:36.98
that what's most important
in parenting is that the parents
00:24:37.01\00:24:40.11
are on the same page.
00:24:40.14\00:24:41.23
That husbands and
wives love each other,
00:24:41.26\00:24:43.06
create an
environment that is nurturing
00:24:43.09\00:24:45.89
and helpful to their children.
00:24:45.92\00:24:47.50
The other point I wanted to make
as we're transitioning here is
00:24:47.53\00:24:50.97
that parenting is not
something that's just natural.
00:24:51.00\00:24:57.38
People say, well
it should be natural.
00:24:57.41\00:25:00.56
Well no, people go to college
to be engineers and teachers
00:25:00.59\00:25:03.93
and preachers and
doctors and lawyers.
00:25:03.96\00:25:06.02
And parenting is a
very intricate enterprise.
00:25:06.05\00:25:09.39
So, allow yourself to
go to parenting classes.
00:25:09.42\00:25:12.16
Your church is
offering a parenting class,
00:25:12.19\00:25:13.95
or there's a class being
offered in the community,
00:25:13.98\00:25:16.08
don't be afraid to avail
yourself of these classes.
00:25:16.11\00:25:20.59
Because it
doesn't come naturally.
00:25:20.62\00:25:22.32
Also, you may find an older
couple who's doing very well
00:25:22.35\00:25:25.64
with their children who
can become a mentor to you.
00:25:25.67\00:25:27.82
And by so doing, understand.
00:25:27.85\00:25:30.41
Speak to other parents
and realize that you're not
00:25:30.44\00:25:32.68
the only one in that boat.
00:25:32.71\00:25:33.98
Yea, that's a really good point.
00:25:34.01\00:25:35.82
I think it's important for
couples to develop a network
00:25:35.85\00:25:39.89
of friends, and a support system
of people who have children
00:25:39.92\00:25:44.27
who are of similar
age as your own children.
00:25:44.30\00:25:46.93
And I know that
has been helpful to us.
00:25:46.96\00:25:49.08
Because when our children
thought perhaps that we were
00:25:49.11\00:25:52.76
being too strict or we
restricted them from certain
00:25:52.79\00:25:58.06
TV programs, then our friends
who shared similar values and
00:25:58.09\00:26:02.80
similar goals were doing the
same things with their children.
00:26:02.83\00:26:06.03
So then they knew, as
we got together as couples,
00:26:06.33\00:26:09.15
oh ok, so-and-so is
also keeping their children
00:26:09.18\00:26:13.21
from whatever, video
games or whatever else,
00:26:13.24\00:26:16.95
and I think it's
really important.
00:26:16.98\00:26:18.25
It's really critical I
think, for us to remember
00:26:18.28\00:26:21.96
that as parents, once
we decide to have children,
00:26:21.99\00:26:25.65
this is serious business.
00:26:25.68\00:26:27.06
And so what we're saying
about the support networks,
00:26:27.09\00:26:30.74
about going to
a parenting class,
00:26:30.77\00:26:32.47
it's really
important that we do that.
00:26:32.50\00:26:35.10
Because we can't
turn the clock back
00:26:35.13\00:26:36.96
once we bring
children into the world.
00:26:36.99\00:26:39.26
And it goes by really fast.
00:26:39.29\00:26:41.21
Really fast, before you know
it, kids are out of the house.
00:26:41.24\00:26:43.82
And so, the more we pay
attention and the more we are
00:26:43.85\00:26:48.80
trying to do what's
right, we will find ourselves
00:26:48.83\00:26:51.96
aided by the spirit of God
to do what God wants us to do.
00:26:51.99\00:26:55.94
Here is a wonderful
quote from Child Guidance,
00:26:57.98\00:27:00.39
Ellen White and Child
Guidance, and it says:
00:27:00.42\00:27:03.18
The truth is, good
parenting is difficult.
00:27:33.12\00:27:35.61
But with God on our
side, we cannot fail.
00:27:36.01\00:27:38.53
And if we
strengthen our marriages,
00:27:38.56\00:27:40.36
we will be in the
best position to give
00:27:40.39\00:27:42.86
good things to our children.
00:27:42.89\00:27:44.35