Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000057
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:35 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:40 and a Marriage and Family Consultant 00:42 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted to be with you today. 00:47 Today, we're going to be talking about commitment. 00:50 A topic we've titled "Till Death Do Us Part. " 00:54 Commitment is dynamic. 00:58 And it's really a choice that we make. 01:01 There is no other way to be committed in marriage 01:04 unless we make a choice. 01:06 And it's a choice to be faithful till death do us part. 01:13 For no other reason than we have made the promise 01:19 in marriage to do so. 01:21 And that promise is to God, and we take those vows 01:25 when we get married. 01:26 And it all sounds beautiful and wonderful when we stand 01:30 before the minister on our wedding day 01:32 and we say these beautiful words of commitment to one another. 01:37 And yet, when you say the words, "till death do us part," 01:40 I'm sure it hits at the core of our beings 01:44 because it sounds like such a long time, 01:47 it sounds like forever. 01:49 And it is in fact, forever. 01:51 Commitment is making a decision to stay in 01:56 your marriage relationship until death separates us. 02:01 That's right, if we look at the Bible, at what it says 02:03 in the book of Matthew 19:5-6, we see that it says: 02:28 This is God talking about what marriage is to be like. 02:30 It's to be a union of a man and a woman. 02:33 And it's to be a union that is lasting, forever. 02:38 Invariably, people are afraid of marriage because they think 02:42 that forever is a long time. 02:44 In fact for many, too long. 02:45 But, what makes it too long? Why is it too long? 02:49 If, in fact, we love someone and we have, in fact, 02:53 made a commitment to that individual, 02:55 so much so that we have become exclusive by becoming married, 02:59 well, don't we want it to last forever? 03:03 Certainly, that's God's intent for marriage. 03:05 For it to be forever. 03:08 Well, let's take a look at commitment and 03:11 a deeper definition of what commitment means. 03:14 We've done a little bit of research on the word commitment, 03:18 not just in the word of God, but we also know that 03:21 from some marriage researchers, two in particular, 03:23 have a specific definition of how commitment is expressed. 03:29 And these researchers are Dr. Michael Johnson 03:32 from Penn state, and also Scott Stanley from the 03:34 University of Denver. 03:35 And they say that commitment can be expressed in two ways. 03:39 We have personal dedication and we have constraint. 03:42 So there are two ways of expressing commitment. 03:45 Dedication and constraint. 03:47 When we look at dedication commitment, we're talking about 03:51 our personal commitment, our personal dedication 03:56 to our relationship, to our marriage. 03:58 So, what is my personal dedication when I'm 04:00 dedicated to something? 04:02 It means that I am going to invest in it. 04:05 I'm going to tie my personal goals to it. 04:07 I'm going to look out for the best of the relationship. 04:12 I'm going to sacrifice for it. 04:15 It's as if I'm taking care of my garden, again. 04:18 I love gardening and I love flowers. 04:21 And I particularly like taking care of orchids. 04:25 So when you're talking about dedication, you're talking about 04:27 something that you're excited about doing. 04:30 Absolutely. That I cherish. 04:33 That you want to be involved in. 04:34 That you've made a choice to be involved in. 04:36 It's not just something that's been put on you. 04:38 But something that you desire to do, 04:40 and something that you have joy in doing. 04:43 That's correct, and so that's dedication commitment. 04:45 I'm doing it for personal enjoyment, but also 04:50 for the good of this relationship, 04:53 if we bring it back within the context of relationship. 04:56 Then there's the other side of commitment 04:59 which is constraint commitment. 05:01 And constraint, on the other hand, refers to an obligation. 05:05 And that obligation has everything to do with 05:08 the fact that I have made a decision. 05:11 And has very little to do with the fact 05:14 that I have personal dedication. 05:17 So, it's more like stability? 05:19 One being like satisfaction, 05:21 I think dedication being like satisfaction. 05:23 I am satisfied, it brings satisfaction to me. 05:25 I enjoy it, I want to do it some more. 05:28 And then constraint is more like stability. 05:32 Correct. So for instance, I stay in the relationship 05:34 because I made a vow. 05:37 I took a vow on my marriage day that I would be committed. 05:42 So there is some personal motivation to stay in this 05:48 relationship because of the vows. 05:50 So that's an obligation, if you will. 05:53 Now that discomforts a lot of people. 05:55 Because we don't like to feel that we have to do anything. 06:00 It's sort of goes against our personal freedom, if you will. 06:05 So, we are sometimes discomforted by 06:10 this notion of constraint commitment. 06:12 And what we often like to say to people 06:15 is that constraint is actually a good thing. 06:18 Because when your dedication is low, 06:21 when you no longer feel personal satisfaction, 06:25 personal joy in this relationship, 06:28 then my constraints, the fact that I may be staying 06:31 in this relationship because I made a vow, 06:35 because we have children, 06:38 because everyone around us is expecting us 06:41 to stay in this relationship, that's not the worst thing 06:45 that could happen for a relationship. 06:47 When you talk about when the dedication might be low, 06:51 we have constraint. 06:52 This is important here because marriage is like 06:57 every other human endeavor. 06:59 We're not just going up, there's sometimes we're going down. 07:03 Human beings are mercurial. 07:07 We're not steady. 07:10 Sometimes, we're on a high. Sometimes we go down. 07:13 We go up, we go down. We go up, we go down. 07:15 And that's going to happen to every marriage. 07:19 So, you're not going to feel ecstatic about 07:23 being in the relationship every single day of your life. 07:26 I know, those of you who are not yet married, 07:27 who are watching this program are thinking, 07:29 "That's not going to happen to us. " 07:31 That's what every premarital couple believes. 07:33 "Oh, I love him so much and he loves me so much 07:37 that we can't wait to be together. 07:39 And we're just going to cherish every single day together. 07:43 We're going to have a wonderful time. " 07:44 Well, I want to encourage you to do have a wonderful time, 07:47 and plan to have a wonderful time. 07:48 But I want to warn you that human beings are moody. 07:54 And sometimes the mood is up, and sometimes the mood is down. 07:58 And when the mood is down, you need something other than just 08:03 a feeling of joy, and ecstasy, and dedication to keep you. 08:08 Hence constraint. 08:12 Correct, and just to state a little further about the 08:14 ups and downs, that every relationship will have 08:18 it's peaks and it's valleys. 08:21 And sometimes the peaks are very high, 08:26 and sometimes the valleys are very low. 08:28 But, we're all going to go through these 08:31 ups and downs, as you mentioned. 08:32 And the sad thing is that too often couples exit 08:37 their relationship when they're in the valley. 08:40 And if they just hang in there a little longer 08:42 because of the constraint, because you say to yourself, 08:46 "I made a vow, I made a covenant with God and with my spouse, 08:52 and we're going to get through this. 08:54 We're going to, through God's power, we're going to 08:57 work through this valley, we will experience a peak again. " 09:02 And so, if we can say anything to couples, 09:04 if you will just allow yourselves to just 09:08 get through the valley, get through those dark days, 09:11 we will again experience the peak. 09:14 It's interesting that attitude, Dr. Scott Stanley's notion 09:18 of commitment, where we speak about these two concepts of 09:22 dedication and constraint. 09:24 There's another concept as well, 09:26 that is contributed to the literature in marriage research 09:30 by Dr. Paul Amato from Penn State University. 09:33 And that concept is called "good enough marriages. " 09:39 What he says is that most marriages that end in divorce 09:43 are in "good enough marriages. " 09:47 The thing about it is, many times, people think 09:48 that if they're not always ecstatic in their relationship, 09:52 there's something wrong with their marriage. 09:53 If they're not always feeling a thrill, 09:56 there's something wrong in their marriage. 09:57 Well as we've said before, we need to nurture 10:00 fun and friendship. 10:01 If we want to keep up a marriage that's going places, 10:04 that's excited, that's dynamic, that's happy, that's joyous, 10:08 that's having fun, well we need to be intentional about that. 10:11 But, when we're not intentional, it has a way of 10:15 dipping into the valley. 10:18 While that's happening, the marriage is 10:20 a good enough marriage. 10:22 Most people exit, in fact, many people exit 10:26 good enough marriages. 10:28 And what Dr. Amato says, that if they would just hang on 10:32 for a little longer, and perhaps would go to a marriage retreat, 10:36 or visit a counselor, or speak to their pastor, or someone 10:40 who's having a good marriage who can mentor their marriage, 10:43 to get back to where it use to be, that is could be good again. 10:46 So, if you're out there and you're having difficulty 10:50 in your marriage, and you feel that your marriage has 10:53 plateaued, well think about what you can do 10:57 to make it better. 10:58 Because it's up to you. 11:00 If you're in the marriage, you certainly have the power 11:04 to do something for it. 11:05 Right, and we also understand that there are going to be many 11:09 phases along the journey of life, 11:11 along the journey of marriage. 11:13 Such as child rearing, maybe a spouse loses a job, 11:17 or an illness, or a parent has to come and live with a couple. 11:22 So, there are many challenges that are a lot more difficult 11:25 than just "we no longer have fun in our relationship. " 11:29 There are some real challenges that couples face 11:32 every day in their relationship. 11:34 But even those challenges can be dealt with 11:40 and can be worked on. 11:41 And we can work through our marriages if we have a good 11:45 balance of dedication and constraint commitment 11:49 in our relationship. 11:50 Always remembering that every conflict, every challenge 11:55 is an opportunity for growth. 11:57 I like to look back at what Jesus has to say in the Bible 12:00 about the whole notion of commitment. 12:02 And going back to the text that we used earlier on, 12:04 in the book of Matthew 19:5, when it says, "and be joined 12:09 to his wife," that word "joined" comes from a Greek word 12:13 that means "to be united to, to be connected to. " 12:17 In some of the other versions, it means "to be glued to. " 12:21 So, when Christ speaks about what marriage should be like, 12:26 what kind of commitment we should have, 12:27 we're talking about sticking together. 12:29 Not being stuck, but sticking together. 12:32 Why? Because you made a decision to stick together. 12:36 Also, marriage is about unity. 12:37 And marriage is about covenant. 12:41 What is covenant? 12:42 Covenant is a promise that you've made. 12:45 Covenant is a decision that you've made. 12:47 Covenant is not based on what you've done for me lately. 12:51 Covenant is based on the long term view of a relationship. 12:56 So, it doesn't matter what your marriage 12:57 might be like right now. 12:59 You need to be committed. 13:01 You need to make a decision that your marriage 13:04 is going to be good. 13:05 Why? Because you're helping to make it good. 13:07 And if Christ is in the marriage, and your spouse 13:11 is in the marriage, and he is connected to Christ, 13:14 we can make this work. 13:16 Because with God on our said, we cannot fail. 13:20 We're going to continue some more. 13:22 But right now, we're going to take a break and 13:25 just take a few moments, and we'll be right back. 13:38 There are many "How To" books available. 13:40 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:43 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:46 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:50 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:55 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:13 Welcome back. 14:14 We've been talking about "till death do us part," 14:17 the issue of commitment in marriage. 14:20 And it really isn't an issue, it's more a matter of 14:23 what grounds our relationship. 14:25 And we were looking specifically at the two expressions 14:28 of commitment, which are dedication commitment 14:31 and constraint commitment, 14:33 And so, we want to take a little time to just 14:36 talk a little bit about how this is expressed. 14:40 How does it look? 14:41 What do dedicated couples do to keep their marriage 14:45 relationship going, to stay committed in their relationship? 14:49 Well, even before you speak about that, what they do, 14:52 I think we need to say a little bit about what they are. 14:56 What are dedicated couples? 14:57 Dedicated couples are couples who understand that 15:01 they're an "us", they are a unit. 15:03 They are on the same team. 15:06 The Bible speaks about husband and wife coming together 15:09 to become one. 15:11 Dedicated couples know that there are not only two of them, 15:16 they're actually one. 15:17 And being one means that you have the same goals. 15:21 It means that you have the same plans. 15:24 It means that you have the same values. 15:28 That you want the same thing out of life. 15:30 That you want the same things for your children. 15:32 That you want to build up a kingdom of God. 15:35 If you're both Christians, and Christ is in you 15:40 and Christ is in your marriage, then you certainly have a basis 15:43 on which to build a solid foundation for your marriage. 15:48 A solid foundation for commitment. 15:50 A solid foundation for going the distance. 15:54 Because sometimes it gets rough, as you mentioned. 15:57 I think it's very important what you just shared. 16:00 Specifically for, well let's say not just for married couples, 16:06 but for premarital couples. 16:07 That's why we speak so much about premarital counseling 16:13 and premarital education, and getting this early on 16:17 in the relationship. 16:18 As a matter of fact, we recommend that couples get 16:22 premarital education before getting engaged. 16:25 Because that way, there isn't that pressure 16:29 to have to cancel a church reservation, 16:32 or cancel a reception hall reservation. 16:36 And you can then really focus on the relationship. 16:39 Because it's really, really, really important 16:42 to make sure before marriage that you share similar goals. 16:47 And how do you know that? 16:48 By having real conversations. 16:50 I think many premarital couples believe that they do 16:54 have the same goals because when they're dating 16:57 they're only sharing the things that they have in common. 17:00 And what I found really interesting with 17:01 premarital couples is that they often say when you ask, 17:04 "who are you dating?" "Oh this guy. " 17:06 "Why are you dating him?" 17:07 "Oh, we have so much in common. " 17:09 That's because that's the only thing you speak about. 17:11 You don't speak about the things that you don't have in common. 17:13 You only speak about the things that you do have in common. 17:15 And premarital education forces you to talk about topics 17:19 that are not always the most easy to talk about. 17:23 You know, how many children you'd like to have. 17:27 Your family of origin. 17:28 What kinds of experiences you've had. 17:30 Invariably, people only talk about 17:32 the things they want to share. 17:34 And the things that they think might be a deal breaker, 17:37 or anything that may not show them in their best light, 17:41 they don't want to talk about it. 17:42 And those things are the most crucial in marriage. 17:45 And when they come to the surface after you're married, 17:48 well, many people feel betrayed 17:50 and they feel, "Wow this is a deal breaker. 17:53 This is not what I signed up for. " 17:55 So it's important, even as we're talking about 17:57 commitment in marriage, that we concentrate on 18:01 what we should know even before getting into marriage. 18:05 So let's talk a little bit about what dedicated couples show. 18:08 Tell us some of that, Elaine. 18:12 I just want to back up just a little bit. 18:13 Because I want to interject at this point again about 18:16 this whole notion of deal breaking. 18:19 And the fact that in marriage, there is no such thing 18:23 as a deal breaker, per se. 18:26 So, when we're talking about commitment, we're talking about 18:29 covenant, again as we said earlier, and is worth repeating, 18:32 that we're talking about making a decision to stay in this 18:37 relationship for the long haul. 18:39 So, I just want to interject that we're not talking about a 18:43 relationship where there is continued infidelity. 18:48 Where someone is having affairs over and over and over again. 18:52 And this person refuses to end their affairs. 18:57 We're not talking about a relationship where someone 19:00 is experiencing violence, is experiencing abuse, 19:04 physical abuse, or sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. 19:07 So, we're not talking about those things. 19:10 Because those things are covenant breakers. 19:13 Well when you do those things, you're saying that 19:16 you don't believe in your covenant anymore. 19:18 Because a covenant is a promise that you make 19:20 to be honest, to honor your mate, to be faithful, 19:24 to love them, to cherish them, to be kind, to be humble, 19:28 to be truthful, to have integrity. 19:31 And how do you have integrity if you're abusing your spouse? 19:35 How do you have integrity if you're having an affair? 19:37 So indeed, when we're talking about commitment 19:39 we're talking about covenant. 19:41 And a covenant is a promise that we make to our spouses 19:45 'til death do us part. 19:46 And yet, covenants cannot be kept 19:50 without the power of Jesus Christ. 19:52 So, we cannot overly state that if marriage is going to be 19:57 worthwhile, if marriage is going to be good, 20:00 if marriage is going to be spiritual, 20:01 we've got to be connected to Jesus so that we can be 20:04 connected to each other for life. 20:07 And then we can reflect God's glory in our relationship. 20:13 So, going back to your question. 20:14 So, what do dedicated couples show? 20:16 What do they look like? 20:17 Well, first and foremost, dedicated couples 20:20 make their relationship a priority. 20:22 What does that mean, Elaine, that you make your 20:25 relationship a priority? 20:27 I make it the most important thing in my life, 20:30 second only to God. 20:32 This is a little dangerous ground we're walking on here. 20:35 Because there are people, and we know this when we 20:38 do our coaching, our education classes or marriage conferences, 20:43 people always say, "Well we have children. " 20:46 Or, "What about the children?" 20:47 "I have to put my children first. " 20:49 And I often say, especially to women, that if we put 20:54 our mates first, we'll have more than enough time 20:58 for the children. 21:00 Our relationship has to be first. 21:03 That comes before anything else. 21:05 So, we show a priority for our relationship. 21:09 More important than work, more important than our 21:15 ministry at church. 21:17 Because sometimes, we like to get away with the fact that, 21:21 "I'm a deacon or deaconess at church. 21:24 And I've got to be at church first thing Sabbath morning. " 21:27 Or, "I've got to go to church on Thursday evening 21:30 to wash the communion plates and I'm sacrificing 21:33 my relationship. " 21:34 Maybe that was date night. 21:36 And it's ok if we're going to do these other things. 21:40 But we've got to have a conversation about it. 21:43 We've got to respect the relationship. 21:45 And this is what people don't understand. 21:47 We can still fit ministry in. 21:49 We can still fit in time for the children. 21:52 We can still fit in time for work. 21:54 And guess what, we can still even fit in time 21:57 for our other personal friendships. 22:00 I want to go back to the whole notion of 22:03 making your relationship a priority. 22:05 Because you mentioned a deacon, that's also true for elders. 22:09 But even more importantly, it's also true for pastors, 22:13 for people in fulltime ministry. 22:15 Lots of people in fulltime ministry, like we've been, 22:19 run the risk of losing their marriage because 22:25 they give it a secondary place. 22:28 "Oh, you know, I have to study to preach. " 22:30 Well yes, you have to study, you have to give Bible studies. 22:33 Well yes, you have to give Bible studies. 22:35 But not at the expense of your spouse. 22:37 Certainly not at the expense of your children. 22:39 And we've found over the years, that there are many individuals 22:43 in ministry who've lost their families because 22:46 they didn't have their priorities in the right place. 22:50 So let's understand that if you're going to be committed 22:53 in marriage, you need to give a greater priority 22:56 to your marriage relationship. 22:58 Why? Because your spouse is the only person 23:02 in the universe with whom you're one. 23:06 Well, hopefully we're one with Christ. 23:08 But other than Christ, I'm not one with my father, 23:11 or my mother, or my children, but with my spouse. 23:14 So, yes indeed, if we're going to be committed, 23:18 couples who are committed show a greater priority 23:22 to their relationship. 23:24 Absolutely. 23:25 They also, dedicated couples that is, show a greater 23:29 fulfillment with surrender. 23:31 And what does that surrender mean? 23:33 That surrender means that I am willing to sacrifice 23:37 for my relationship. 23:39 So, I am willing to give up whatever it is 23:44 that I need to give up, in order to have a more fulfilling and 23:48 and satisfying relationship with my spouse. 23:51 The interesting thing about that, that I love about 23:55 this whole notion of surrender, it's the same things as our 23:59 relationship with Christ. 24:01 That sometimes we feel like the little marbles, if you will, 24:06 the little rocks that we have, that we're holding on to, 24:09 that we don't want to let go of 24:10 to nurture our relationship with God. 24:13 And God wants to give us so much more. 24:16 He wants to give us huge blessings. 24:19 Jewels, if you will. 24:21 And we're holding on to our little fake things, 24:24 our little tiny things. 24:25 And He wants to bless us with more. 24:27 And it's the same thing with our relationship. 24:28 So, in essence, we're really not giving up anything. 24:33 We have only to gain. 24:35 And we have experienced that in our own relationship, 24:38 where we have put our relationship at the forefront. 24:41 Where we have put God first, our relationship second, 24:45 and then everything else falls into place. 24:47 And we've never regretted it. 24:49 That's correct. 24:50 And when we get off track, we realize, "uh-ho. " 24:52 We've got to get this back on track. 24:54 We've got to put our relationship first again. 24:57 Yes, and there are other things 25:00 that committed couples do. 25:02 And they show less concern for other things. 25:04 Ok, less concern for other things. 25:06 Yes, I may like to play basketball. 25:10 I want to go out and play with my friends. 25:11 And not that I shouldn't, or that I couldn't. 25:13 But, my marriage is a priority. 25:16 If I have to make a choice, and we don't always 25:19 have to make that choice. 25:20 But we need to get to the place where we realize 25:22 that we need to put our marriages first. 25:25 Why? Because Satan knows that if he can destroy marriages, 25:28 he can destroy the family. 25:30 And if he can destroy families, he destroys the church. 25:32 He destroys our witness. 25:34 And then, dedicated couples also have a 25:38 greater commitment to the long term view. 25:41 Knowing that marriage is for the long haul. 25:44 And knowing that they want to make it good. 25:48 In the book of Revelations 2:4-5, 25:52 there is an important text that says: 26:16 It is talking about commitment to God, 26:17 but it's also talking about commitment to our relationship. 26:21 What is it that we're remembering? 26:22 We've lost our first love. 26:24 What did we do when we first got marriage? 26:26 What did we do? 26:27 The reason why we got married, we couldn't wait 26:29 to be with each other. 26:30 Remember what you did. 26:32 Repent from pulling back from that. 26:34 And go back and do the things that you did at first. 26:37 So if you use to date, keep dating. 26:40 That's why we had so much fun. 26:41 When we were dating. 26:42 Because of the priority we gave to our relationships. 26:46 Well, Ellen White illuminates this in Adventist Home page 99, 26:51 that Jesus wants us to have happy marriages. 26:53 Here's what she says: 27:18 So, this is not just fantasy, it is God's plan for marriage. 27:21 He wants us to be happy. 27:23 That's why the power, the promise of success 27:26 in Philippians 4:13 is so poignant. 27:28 What? I can do all things through Christ 27:32 who gives me strength. 27:33 We hope that each and every one of you will put your marriages 27:37 in God's hands. 27:38 And by so doing, experience the joy and the love and the fun. |
Revised 2014-12-17