Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver,
Director of Family Ministries
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
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and a Marriage
and Family Consultant
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for the Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted
to be with you today.
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Today, we're going to be
talking about commitment.
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A topic we've titled
"Till Death Do Us Part. "
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Commitment is dynamic.
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And it's really a
choice that we make.
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There is no other way
to be committed in marriage
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unless we make a choice.
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And it's a choice to be
faithful till death do us part.
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For no other reason
than we have made the promise
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in marriage to do so.
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And that promise is to
God, and we take those vows
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when we get married.
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And it all sounds beautiful
and wonderful when we stand
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before the
minister on our wedding day
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and we say these beautiful words
of commitment to one another.
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And yet, when you say the
words, "till death do us part,"
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I'm sure it hits at
the core of our beings
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because it sounds
like such a long time,
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it sounds like forever.
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And it is in fact, forever.
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Commitment is making
a decision to stay in
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your marriage relationship
until death separates us.
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That's right, if we look
at the Bible, at what it says
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in the book of Matthew
19:5-6, we see that it says:
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This is God talking about
what marriage is to be like.
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It's to be a union
of a man and a woman.
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And it's to be a union
that is lasting, forever.
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Invariably, people are afraid
of marriage because they think
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that forever is a long time.
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In fact for many, too long.
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But, what makes it too
long? Why is it too long?
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If, in fact, we love
someone and we have, in fact,
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made a commitment
to that individual,
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so much so that we have become
exclusive by becoming married,
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well, don't we
want it to last forever?
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Certainly, that's
God's intent for marriage.
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For it to be forever.
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Well, let's take a
look at commitment and
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a deeper definition
of what commitment means.
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We've done a little bit of
research on the word commitment,
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not just in the word of
God, but we also know that
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from some marriage
researchers, two in particular,
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have a specific definition
of how commitment is expressed.
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And these researchers
are Dr. Michael Johnson
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from Penn state, and
also Scott Stanley from the
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University of Denver.
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And they say that commitment
can be expressed in two ways.
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We have personal dedication
and we have constraint.
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So there are two ways
of expressing commitment.
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Dedication and constraint.
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When we look at dedication
commitment, we're talking about
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our personal commitment,
our personal dedication
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to our
relationship, to our marriage.
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So, what is my
personal dedication when I'm
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dedicated to something?
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It means that I am
going to invest in it.
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I'm going to tie my
personal goals to it.
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I'm going to look out for
the best of the relationship.
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I'm going to sacrifice for it.
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It's as if I'm taking
care of my garden, again.
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I love gardening
and I love flowers.
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And I particularly
like taking care of orchids.
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So when you're talking about
dedication, you're talking about
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something that
you're excited about doing.
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Absolutely. That I cherish.
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That you want to be involved in.
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That you've made a
choice to be involved in.
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It's not just something
that's been put on you.
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But something
that you desire to do,
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and something that
you have joy in doing.
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That's correct, and so
that's dedication commitment.
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I'm doing it for
personal enjoyment, but also
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for the good of
this relationship,
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if we bring it back within
the context of relationship.
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Then there's the
other side of commitment
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which is constraint commitment.
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And constraint, on the other
hand, refers to an obligation.
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And that obligation
has everything to do with
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the fact that I
have made a decision.
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And has very
little to do with the fact
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that I have personal dedication.
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So, it's more like stability?
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One being like satisfaction,
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I think dedication
being like satisfaction.
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I am satisfied, it
brings satisfaction to me.
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I enjoy it, I want
to do it some more.
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And then constraint
is more like stability.
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Correct. So for instance,
I stay in the relationship
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because I made a vow.
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I took a vow on my marriage
day that I would be committed.
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So there is some personal
motivation to stay in this
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relationship
because of the vows.
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So that's an
obligation, if you will.
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Now that
discomforts a lot of people.
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Because we don't like to feel
that we have to do anything.
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It's sort of goes against our
personal freedom, if you will.
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So, we are
sometimes discomforted by
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this notion of
constraint commitment.
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And what we often
like to say to people
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is that constraint is
actually a good thing.
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Because when your
dedication is low,
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when you no longer
feel personal satisfaction,
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personal joy in
this relationship,
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then my constraints, the
fact that I may be staying
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in this relationship
because I made a vow,
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because we have children,
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because everyone
around us is expecting us
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to stay in this relationship,
that's not the worst thing
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that could happen
for a relationship.
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When you talk about when
the dedication might be low,
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we have constraint.
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This is important here
because marriage is like
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every other human endeavor.
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We're not just going up, there's
sometimes we're going down.
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Human beings are mercurial.
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We're not steady.
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Sometimes, we're on a
high. Sometimes we go down.
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We go up, we go
down. We go up, we go down.
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And that's going to
happen to every marriage.
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So, you're not going
to feel ecstatic about
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being in the relationship
every single day of your life.
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I know, those of you
who are not yet married,
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who are watching
this program are thinking,
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"That's not going
to happen to us. "
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That's what every
premarital couple believes.
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"Oh, I love him so
much and he loves me so much
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that we can't
wait to be together.
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And we're just going to cherish
every single day together.
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We're going to
have a wonderful time. "
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Well, I want to encourage
you to do have a wonderful time,
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and plan to have
a wonderful time.
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But I want to warn you
that human beings are moody.
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And sometimes the mood is up,
and sometimes the mood is down.
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And when the mood is down, you
need something other than just
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a feeling of joy, and ecstasy,
and dedication to keep you.
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Hence constraint.
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Correct, and just to
state a little further about the
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ups and downs, that
every relationship will have
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it's peaks and it's valleys.
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And sometimes the
peaks are very high,
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and sometimes the
valleys are very low.
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But, we're all
going to go through these
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ups and downs, as you mentioned.
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And the sad thing is
that too often couples exit
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their relationship
when they're in the valley.
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And if they just hang
in there a little longer
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because of the constraint,
because you say to yourself,
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"I made a vow, I made a covenant
with God and with my spouse,
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and we're going
to get through this.
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We're going to, through
God's power, we're going to
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work through this valley, we
will experience a peak again. "
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And so, if we can
say anything to couples,
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if you will just
allow yourselves to just
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get through the valley,
get through those dark days,
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we will again
experience the peak.
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It's interesting that attitude,
Dr. Scott Stanley's notion
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of commitment, where we speak
about these two concepts of
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dedication and constraint.
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There's another concept as well,
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that is contributed to the
literature in marriage research
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by Dr. Paul Amato
from Penn State University.
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And that concept is
called "good enough marriages. "
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What he says is that most
marriages that end in divorce
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are in "good enough marriages. "
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The thing about it is,
many times, people think
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that if they're not always
ecstatic in their relationship,
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there's something
wrong with their marriage.
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If they're not
always feeling a thrill,
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there's something
wrong in their marriage.
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Well as we've said
before, we need to nurture
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fun and friendship.
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If we want to keep up a
marriage that's going places,
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that's excited, that's dynamic,
that's happy, that's joyous,
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that's having fun, well we need
to be intentional about that.
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But, when we're not
intentional, it has a way of
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dipping into the valley.
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While that's
happening, the marriage is
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a good enough marriage.
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Most people exit, in
fact, many people exit
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good enough marriages.
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And what Dr. Amato says,
that if they would just hang on
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for a little longer, and perhaps
would go to a marriage retreat,
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or visit a counselor, or speak
to their pastor, or someone
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who's having a good marriage
who can mentor their marriage,
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to get back to where it use to
be, that is could be good again.
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So, if you're out there
and you're having difficulty
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in your marriage, and you
feel that your marriage has
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plateaued, well
think about what you can do
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to make it better.
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Because it's up to you.
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If you're in the marriage,
you certainly have the power
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to do something for it.
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Right, and we also understand
that there are going to be many
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phases along
the journey of life,
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along the journey of marriage.
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Such as child rearing,
maybe a spouse loses a job,
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or an illness, or a parent has
to come and live with a couple.
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So, there are many challenges
that are a lot more difficult
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than just "we no longer
have fun in our relationship. "
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There are some real
challenges that couples face
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every day in their relationship.
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But even those
challenges can be dealt with
00:11:34.66\00:11:40.41
and can be worked on.
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And we can work through
our marriages if we have a good
00:11:41.76\00:11:45.90
balance of dedication
and constraint commitment
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in our relationship.
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Always remembering that
every conflict, every challenge
00:11:50.85\00:11:55.12
is an opportunity for growth.
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I like to look back at what
Jesus has to say in the Bible
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about the whole
notion of commitment.
00:12:00.71\00:12:02.70
And going back to the
text that we used earlier on,
00:12:02.73\00:12:04.63
in the book of Matthew 19:5,
when it says, "and be joined
00:12:04.66\00:12:09.70
to his wife," that word
"joined" comes from a Greek word
00:12:09.73\00:12:13.84
that means "to be united
to, to be connected to. "
00:12:13.87\00:12:17.64
In some of the other versions,
it means "to be glued to. "
00:12:17.67\00:12:21.35
So, when Christ speaks about
what marriage should be like,
00:12:21.38\00:12:26.09
what kind of
commitment we should have,
00:12:26.12\00:12:27.64
we're talking
about sticking together.
00:12:27.67\00:12:29.49
Not being stuck,
but sticking together.
00:12:29.52\00:12:32.81
Why? Because you made a
decision to stick together.
00:12:32.84\00:12:36.04
Also, marriage is about unity.
00:12:36.07\00:12:37.71
And marriage is about covenant.
00:12:37.74\00:12:41.75
What is covenant?
00:12:41.78\00:12:42.89
Covenant is a
promise that you've made.
00:12:42.92\00:12:45.07
Covenant is a
decision that you've made.
00:12:45.10\00:12:47.68
Covenant is not based on
what you've done for me lately.
00:12:47.71\00:12:51.02
Covenant is based on the long
term view of a relationship.
00:12:51.05\00:12:55.94
So, it doesn't
matter what your marriage
00:12:56.14\00:12:57.53
might be like right now.
00:12:57.56\00:12:59.03
You need to be committed.
00:12:59.06\00:13:01.34
You need to make a
decision that your marriage
00:13:01.37\00:13:04.27
is going to be good.
00:13:04.30\00:13:05.27
Why? Because you're
helping to make it good.
00:13:05.28\00:13:07.91
And if Christ is in the
marriage, and your spouse
00:13:07.94\00:13:11.18
is in the marriage, and
he is connected to Christ,
00:13:11.21\00:13:14.28
we can make this work.
00:13:14.31\00:13:16.11
Because with God on
our said, we cannot fail.
00:13:16.14\00:13:20.71
We're going to
continue some more.
00:13:20.74\00:13:22.73
But right now, we're
going to take a break and
00:13:22.76\00:13:25.03
just take a few moments,
and we'll be right back.
00:13:25.06\00:13:28.33
There are many "How
To" books available.
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But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
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How You Can
Build A Better Marriage
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Bible-based, matrimonial advice
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easy to read manner for
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newlyweds, couples
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Call or write for your copy.
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Welcome back.
00:14:13.53\00:14:14.60
We've been talking
about "till death do us part,"
00:14:14.63\00:14:17.20
the issue of
commitment in marriage.
00:14:17.23\00:14:20.62
And it really isn't an
issue, it's more a matter of
00:14:20.65\00:14:23.42
what grounds our relationship.
00:14:23.45\00:14:25.62
And we were looking specifically
at the two expressions
00:14:25.65\00:14:28.78
of commitment, which
are dedication commitment
00:14:28.81\00:14:31.86
and constraint commitment,
00:14:31.89\00:14:33.56
And so, we want to
take a little time to just
00:14:33.59\00:14:36.05
talk a little bit
about how this is expressed.
00:14:36.08\00:14:40.50
How does it look?
00:14:40.53\00:14:41.50
What do dedicated couples
do to keep their marriage
00:14:41.51\00:14:45.42
relationship going, to stay
committed in their relationship?
00:14:45.45\00:14:49.22
Well, even before you
speak about that, what they do,
00:14:49.25\00:14:52.39
I think we need to say a
little bit about what they are.
00:14:52.42\00:14:56.13
What are dedicated couples?
00:14:56.16\00:14:57.72
Dedicated couples are
couples who understand that
00:14:57.75\00:15:01.16
they're an
"us", they are a unit.
00:15:01.20\00:15:03.61
They are on the same team.
00:15:03.64\00:15:06.01
The Bible speaks about
husband and wife coming together
00:15:06.04\00:15:09.94
to become one.
00:15:09.97\00:15:11.08
Dedicated couples know that
there are not only two of them,
00:15:11.11\00:15:16.67
they're actually one.
00:15:16.70\00:15:17.92
And being one means
that you have the same goals.
00:15:17.95\00:15:21.49
It means that you
have the same plans.
00:15:21.52\00:15:24.75
It means that you
have the same values.
00:15:24.78\00:15:28.13
That you want the
same thing out of life.
00:15:28.16\00:15:30.18
That you want the same
things for your children.
00:15:30.21\00:15:32.49
That you want to
build up a kingdom of God.
00:15:32.79\00:15:35.47
If you're both
Christians, and Christ is in you
00:15:35.50\00:15:40.15
and Christ is in your marriage,
then you certainly have a basis
00:15:40.18\00:15:43.66
on which to build a solid
foundation for your marriage.
00:15:43.69\00:15:48.05
A solid
foundation for commitment.
00:15:48.08\00:15:50.48
A solid foundation
for going the distance.
00:15:50.51\00:15:54.10
Because sometimes it
gets rough, as you mentioned.
00:15:54.13\00:15:57.34
I think it's very
important what you just shared.
00:15:57.84\00:16:00.06
Specifically for, well let's say
not just for married couples,
00:16:00.09\00:16:06.03
but for premarital couples.
00:16:06.06\00:16:07.81
That's why we speak so
much about premarital counseling
00:16:07.84\00:16:13.22
and premarital education,
and getting this early on
00:16:13.25\00:16:17.09
in the relationship.
00:16:17.12\00:16:18.09
As a matter of fact, we
recommend that couples get
00:16:18.10\00:16:22.35
premarital education
before getting engaged.
00:16:22.38\00:16:25.83
Because that way,
there isn't that pressure
00:16:25.86\00:16:29.20
to have to cancel
a church reservation,
00:16:29.23\00:16:32.49
or cancel a
reception hall reservation.
00:16:32.52\00:16:36.22
And you can then really
focus on the relationship.
00:16:36.25\00:16:39.92
Because it's really,
really, really important
00:16:39.95\00:16:42.50
to make sure before marriage
that you share similar goals.
00:16:42.53\00:16:47.39
And how do you know that?
00:16:47.42\00:16:48.64
By having real conversations.
00:16:48.67\00:16:50.87
I think many premarital
couples believe that they do
00:16:50.90\00:16:54.59
have the same goals
because when they're dating
00:16:54.62\00:16:57.11
they're only sharing the
things that they have in common.
00:16:57.14\00:16:59.34
And what I found
really interesting with
00:17:00.04\00:17:01.72
premarital couples is that
they often say when you ask,
00:17:01.75\00:17:04.63
"who are you
dating?" "Oh this guy. "
00:17:04.66\00:17:06.10
"Why are you dating him?"
00:17:06.13\00:17:07.67
"Oh, we have so
much in common. "
00:17:07.70\00:17:09.07
That's because that's the
only thing you speak about.
00:17:09.10\00:17:11.11
You don't speak about the things
that you don't have in common.
00:17:11.14\00:17:13.45
You only speak about the things
that you do have in common.
00:17:13.48\00:17:15.65
And premarital education
forces you to talk about topics
00:17:15.68\00:17:19.89
that are not always the
most easy to talk about.
00:17:19.92\00:17:23.20
You know, how many
children you'd like to have.
00:17:23.23\00:17:26.57
Your family of origin.
00:17:27.17\00:17:28.86
What kinds of
experiences you've had.
00:17:28.89\00:17:30.70
Invariably,
people only talk about
00:17:30.73\00:17:32.73
the things they want to share.
00:17:32.76\00:17:34.23
And the things that they
think might be a deal breaker,
00:17:34.94\00:17:37.12
or anything that may not
show them in their best light,
00:17:37.15\00:17:41.52
they don't want
to talk about it.
00:17:41.55\00:17:42.68
And those things are the
most crucial in marriage.
00:17:42.71\00:17:45.10
And when they come to the
surface after you're married,
00:17:45.13\00:17:48.47
well, many people feel betrayed
00:17:48.50\00:17:50.74
and they feel, "Wow
this is a deal breaker.
00:17:50.77\00:17:53.10
This is not what
I signed up for. "
00:17:53.13\00:17:55.04
So it's important,
even as we're talking about
00:17:55.07\00:17:57.52
commitment in
marriage, that we concentrate on
00:17:57.55\00:18:01.48
what we should know even
before getting into marriage.
00:18:01.51\00:18:05.02
So let's talk a little bit about
what dedicated couples show.
00:18:05.05\00:18:08.95
Tell us some of that, Elaine.
00:18:08.98\00:18:11.15
I just want to back
up just a little bit.
00:18:12.05\00:18:13.54
Because I want to interject
at this point again about
00:18:13.57\00:18:16.72
this whole
notion of deal breaking.
00:18:16.75\00:18:19.11
And the fact that in
marriage, there is no such thing
00:18:19.14\00:18:23.35
as a deal breaker, per se.
00:18:23.38\00:18:26.32
So, when we're talking about
commitment, we're talking about
00:18:26.35\00:18:29.62
covenant, again as we said
earlier, and is worth repeating,
00:18:29.65\00:18:32.87
that we're talking about making
a decision to stay in this
00:18:32.90\00:18:37.14
relationship for the long haul.
00:18:37.17\00:18:39.06
So, I just want to interject
that we're not talking about a
00:18:39.09\00:18:43.33
relationship where
there is continued infidelity.
00:18:43.36\00:18:48.02
Where someone is having affairs
over and over and over again.
00:18:48.05\00:18:52.83
And this person
refuses to end their affairs.
00:18:52.86\00:18:57.09
We're not talking about a
relationship where someone
00:18:57.12\00:19:00.52
is experiencing
violence, is experiencing abuse,
00:19:00.55\00:19:04.66
physical abuse, or sexual
abuse, or emotional abuse.
00:19:04.69\00:19:07.93
So, we're not
talking about those things.
00:19:07.96\00:19:10.27
Because those things
are covenant breakers.
00:19:10.30\00:19:13.64
Well when you do those
things, you're saying that
00:19:13.94\00:19:16.37
you don't believe in
your covenant anymore.
00:19:16.40\00:19:18.28
Because a covenant is
a promise that you make
00:19:18.31\00:19:20.50
to be honest, to honor
your mate, to be faithful,
00:19:20.53\00:19:24.23
to love them, to cherish
them, to be kind, to be humble,
00:19:24.26\00:19:28.96
to be truthful,
to have integrity.
00:19:28.99\00:19:31.72
And how do you have integrity
if you're abusing your spouse?
00:19:31.75\00:19:35.08
How do you have integrity
if you're having an affair?
00:19:35.11\00:19:37.14
So indeed, when we're
talking about commitment
00:19:37.17\00:19:39.93
we're talking about covenant.
00:19:39.96\00:19:41.08
And a covenant is a promise
that we make to our spouses
00:19:41.11\00:19:45.51
'til death do us part.
00:19:45.54\00:19:46.91
And yet,
covenants cannot be kept
00:19:46.94\00:19:50.13
without the
power of Jesus Christ.
00:19:50.16\00:19:52.17
So, we cannot overly state
that if marriage is going to be
00:19:52.37\00:19:57.40
worthwhile, if
marriage is going to be good,
00:19:57.43\00:20:00.12
if marriage is
going to be spiritual,
00:20:00.15\00:20:01.80
we've got to be connected
to Jesus so that we can be
00:20:01.83\00:20:04.40
connected to
each other for life.
00:20:04.43\00:20:06.37
And then we can reflect
God's glory in our relationship.
00:20:07.37\00:20:12.97
So, going back to your question.
00:20:13.00\00:20:14.63
So, what do
dedicated couples show?
00:20:14.66\00:20:16.69
What do they look like?
00:20:16.72\00:20:17.69
Well, first and
foremost, dedicated couples
00:20:17.70\00:20:20.43
make their
relationship a priority.
00:20:20.46\00:20:22.93
What does that mean,
Elaine, that you make your
00:20:22.96\00:20:25.26
relationship a priority?
00:20:25.29\00:20:26.57
I make it the most
important thing in my life,
00:20:27.47\00:20:30.53
second only to God.
00:20:30.56\00:20:32.25
This is a little dangerous
ground we're walking on here.
00:20:32.28\00:20:35.40
Because there are
people, and we know this when we
00:20:35.43\00:20:38.18
do our coaching, our education
classes or marriage conferences,
00:20:38.21\00:20:43.77
people always say,
"Well we have children. "
00:20:43.80\00:20:46.21
Or, "What about the children?"
00:20:46.24\00:20:47.94
"I have to put
my children first. "
00:20:47.97\00:20:49.61
And I often say, especially
to women, that if we put
00:20:49.64\00:20:54.89
our mates first, we'll
have more than enough time
00:20:54.92\00:20:58.54
for the children.
00:20:58.57\00:21:00.25
Our
relationship has to be first.
00:21:00.28\00:21:03.40
That comes before anything else.
00:21:03.43\00:21:05.82
So, we show a
priority for our relationship.
00:21:05.85\00:21:09.16
More important than
work, more important than our
00:21:09.19\00:21:14.91
ministry at church.
00:21:15.41\00:21:17.35
Because sometimes, we like
to get away with the fact that,
00:21:17.38\00:21:21.43
"I'm a deacon or
deaconess at church.
00:21:21.46\00:21:24.11
And I've got to be at church
first thing Sabbath morning. "
00:21:24.14\00:21:27.32
Or, "I've got to go to
church on Thursday evening
00:21:27.35\00:21:30.08
to wash the communion
plates and I'm sacrificing
00:21:30.11\00:21:33.72
my relationship. "
00:21:33.75\00:21:34.94
Maybe that was date night.
00:21:34.97\00:21:36.85
And it's ok if we're
going to do these other things.
00:21:36.88\00:21:40.94
But we've got to have
a conversation about it.
00:21:40.97\00:21:43.51
We've got to
respect the relationship.
00:21:43.54\00:21:45.73
And this is what
people don't understand.
00:21:45.76\00:21:47.44
We can still fit ministry in.
00:21:47.47\00:21:49.46
We can still fit in
time for the children.
00:21:49.49\00:21:52.33
We can still fit
in time for work.
00:21:52.36\00:21:54.24
And guess what, we
can still even fit in time
00:21:54.27\00:21:57.30
for our other
personal friendships.
00:21:57.33\00:22:00.42
I want to go back
to the whole notion of
00:22:00.45\00:22:03.10
making your
relationship a priority.
00:22:03.13\00:22:05.81
Because you mentioned a deacon,
that's also true for elders.
00:22:05.84\00:22:09.75
But even more importantly,
it's also true for pastors,
00:22:09.78\00:22:13.11
for people in fulltime ministry.
00:22:13.14\00:22:15.42
Lots of people in fulltime
ministry, like we've been,
00:22:15.45\00:22:19.68
run the risk of
losing their marriage because
00:22:19.71\00:22:25.96
they give it a secondary place.
00:22:25.99\00:22:28.36
"Oh, you know, I
have to study to preach. "
00:22:28.39\00:22:30.89
Well yes, you have to study,
you have to give Bible studies.
00:22:30.92\00:22:33.35
Well yes, you have
to give Bible studies.
00:22:33.38\00:22:35.05
But not at the
expense of your spouse.
00:22:35.08\00:22:37.51
Certainly not at the
expense of your children.
00:22:37.54\00:22:39.82
And we've found over the years,
that there are many individuals
00:22:39.93\00:22:43.23
in ministry who've
lost their families because
00:22:43.26\00:22:46.68
they didn't have their
priorities in the right place.
00:22:46.71\00:22:50.60
So let's understand that if
you're going to be committed
00:22:50.63\00:22:53.28
in marriage, you need
to give a greater priority
00:22:53.31\00:22:56.70
to your marriage relationship.
00:22:56.73\00:22:58.29
Why? Because your
spouse is the only person
00:22:58.32\00:23:02.95
in the universe
with whom you're one.
00:23:02.98\00:23:06.81
Well, hopefully
we're one with Christ.
00:23:06.84\00:23:08.86
But other than Christ,
I'm not one with my father,
00:23:08.89\00:23:11.71
or my mother, or my
children, but with my spouse.
00:23:11.74\00:23:14.66
So, yes indeed, if
we're going to be committed,
00:23:14.69\00:23:18.66
couples who are committed
show a greater priority
00:23:18.69\00:23:22.44
to their relationship.
00:23:22.47\00:23:24.62
Absolutely.
00:23:24.65\00:23:25.83
They also, dedicated
couples that is, show a greater
00:23:25.86\00:23:29.86
fulfillment with surrender.
00:23:29.89\00:23:31.80
And what does
that surrender mean?
00:23:31.83\00:23:33.61
That surrender means
that I am willing to sacrifice
00:23:33.64\00:23:37.86
for my relationship.
00:23:37.89\00:23:39.44
So, I am willing to
give up whatever it is
00:23:39.47\00:23:43.97
that I need to give up, in order
to have a more fulfilling and
00:23:44.00\00:23:48.88
and satisfying
relationship with my spouse.
00:23:48.91\00:23:51.45
The interesting thing
about that, that I love about
00:23:51.48\00:23:55.63
this whole notion of surrender,
it's the same things as our
00:23:55.66\00:23:59.19
relationship with Christ.
00:23:59.22\00:24:01.36
That sometimes we feel like
the little marbles, if you will,
00:24:01.39\00:24:06.11
the little rocks that we
have, that we're holding on to,
00:24:06.14\00:24:09.17
that we don't want to let go of
00:24:09.37\00:24:10.87
to nurture our
relationship with God.
00:24:10.90\00:24:13.38
And God wants to
give us so much more.
00:24:13.41\00:24:15.55
He wants to give
us huge blessings.
00:24:16.45\00:24:19.54
Jewels, if you will.
00:24:19.57\00:24:21.55
And we're holding on
to our little fake things,
00:24:21.58\00:24:24.45
our little tiny things.
00:24:24.48\00:24:25.53
And He wants to
bless us with more.
00:24:25.56\00:24:26.98
And it's the same
thing with our relationship.
00:24:27.01\00:24:28.89
So, in essence, we're
really not giving up anything.
00:24:28.92\00:24:33.19
We have only to gain.
00:24:33.22\00:24:35.19
And we have experienced
that in our own relationship,
00:24:35.22\00:24:38.27
where we have put our
relationship at the forefront.
00:24:38.30\00:24:41.45
Where we have put God
first, our relationship second,
00:24:41.48\00:24:45.09
and then everything
else falls into place.
00:24:45.12\00:24:47.37
And we've never regretted it.
00:24:47.40\00:24:49.24
That's correct.
00:24:49.27\00:24:50.24
And when we get off
track, we realize, "uh-ho. "
00:24:50.25\00:24:52.90
We've got to get
this back on track.
00:24:52.93\00:24:54.31
We've got to put our
relationship first again.
00:24:54.34\00:24:57.12
Yes, and there are other things
00:24:57.92\00:24:59.78
that committed couples do.
00:25:00.58\00:25:01.99
And they show less
concern for other things.
00:25:02.02\00:25:04.53
Ok, less concern
for other things.
00:25:04.56\00:25:06.90
Yes, I may like
to play basketball.
00:25:06.93\00:25:10.16
I want to go out and
play with my friends.
00:25:10.19\00:25:11.70
And not that I
shouldn't, or that I couldn't.
00:25:11.73\00:25:13.84
But, my marriage is a priority.
00:25:13.87\00:25:16.88
If I have to make a
choice, and we don't always
00:25:16.91\00:25:19.32
have to make that choice.
00:25:19.35\00:25:20.56
But we need to get to
the place where we realize
00:25:20.59\00:25:22.92
that we need to put
our marriages first.
00:25:22.95\00:25:25.11
Why? Because Satan knows that
if he can destroy marriages,
00:25:25.14\00:25:28.69
he can destroy the family.
00:25:28.72\00:25:30.06
And if he can destroy families,
he destroys the church.
00:25:30.09\00:25:32.79
He destroys our witness.
00:25:32.82\00:25:34.07
And then,
dedicated couples also have a
00:25:34.92\00:25:38.40
greater commitment
to the long term view.
00:25:38.43\00:25:41.87
Knowing that
marriage is for the long haul.
00:25:41.90\00:25:44.82
And knowing that
they want to make it good.
00:25:44.85\00:25:48.31
In the book of
Revelations 2:4-5,
00:25:48.34\00:25:52.33
there is an
important text that says:
00:25:52.36\00:25:54.11
It is talking
about commitment to God,
00:26:16.23\00:26:17.55
but it's also talking about
commitment to our relationship.
00:26:17.58\00:26:21.57
What is it that
we're remembering?
00:26:21.60\00:26:22.69
We've lost our first love.
00:26:22.72\00:26:24.60
What did we do when
we first got marriage?
00:26:24.63\00:26:26.37
What did we do?
00:26:26.40\00:26:27.37
The reason why we got
married, we couldn't wait
00:26:27.38\00:26:29.75
to be with each other.
00:26:29.78\00:26:30.75
Remember what you did.
00:26:30.76\00:26:32.18
Repent from
pulling back from that.
00:26:32.21\00:26:34.89
And go back and do the
things that you did at first.
00:26:34.92\00:26:37.78
So if you use to
date, keep dating.
00:26:37.81\00:26:40.31
That's why we had so much fun.
00:26:40.34\00:26:41.80
When we were dating.
00:26:41.83\00:26:42.91
Because of the priority
we gave to our relationships.
00:26:42.94\00:26:46.47
Well, Ellen White illuminates
this in Adventist Home page 99,
00:26:46.77\00:26:51.22
that Jesus wants us
to have happy marriages.
00:26:51.25\00:26:53.81
Here's what she says:
00:26:53.84\00:26:54.82
So, this is not just fantasy,
it is God's plan for marriage.
00:27:18.34\00:27:21.23
He wants us to be happy.
00:27:21.26\00:27:23.28
That's why the power,
the promise of success
00:27:23.31\00:27:26.50
in Philippians
4:13 is so poignant.
00:27:26.53\00:27:28.80
What? I can do all
things through Christ
00:27:28.83\00:27:31.97
who gives me strength.
00:27:32.00\00:27:33.50
We hope that each and every one
of you will put your marriages
00:27:33.53\00:27:37.55
in God's hands.
00:27:37.58\00:27:38.56
And by so doing, experience the
joy and the love and the fun.
00:27:38.59\00:27:43.86