Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000056
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries 00:34 for the Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:37 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:39 and a Marriage and Family Consultant for the 00:41 Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:44 We're delighted to be with you and we're happy you joined us. 00:48 Marriage was designed by God. 00:51 And because it was designed by God, it is of spiritual origin. 00:57 Today we want to speak with you about spirituality in marriage. 01:02 How do we make it spiritual? 01:04 If it's going to work it has to, by definition, be spiritual 01:09 since it has been spiritually designed. 01:13 Spirituality is probably one of the most difficult areas 01:17 of oneness in marriage. 01:19 Because when it comes to spirituality, it's such a 01:22 personal thing for most of us. 01:24 It's a place where we need to feel safe and we need to feel 01:29 that there's trust and security in our relationship 01:33 in order for us to share it. 01:34 So we want to share today, a little bit on how we can foster, 01:39 deepen, nurture spirituality in our relationships. 01:44 I like the text in the Bible found in Psalm 127:1, 01:50 and that says: 02:05 To be sure, if God is not in our marriage, 02:08 if God has not helped us to build this relationship, 02:13 and it's spiritual, well it can't be spiritual without God. 02:17 So if God is not in our marriage and marriage is spiritual, 02:20 we're in trouble. 02:21 So what do we do to make marriage spiritual? 02:25 What kinds of things do we have to go through? 02:28 How do we negotiate the whole process of doing marriage 02:34 so it can bring honor and glory to God? 02:37 Because many times, people think that marriage is about them. 02:39 It's about my happiness, it's about my joy. 02:41 And we're trying to say here today, that marriage 02:44 is much more than that. 02:46 Marriage is to bring honor and glory to God. 02:51 That is just so true. 02:52 So many of us have bought into this notion 02:55 that "all we need is love. " 02:58 And when we talk about this "all we need is love," 03:01 we're again, talking about what we're getting out of it. 03:06 And we want to be clear that it's not that we will not 03:11 benefit from marriage, but marriage truly is not a 03:15 self-centered venture. 03:18 It really is about the togetherness, the oneness, 03:22 about serving God, about honoring God. 03:25 And glorifying God in the way we treat one another. 03:28 And the way we can do this is by deepening our understanding 03:32 of what it means to be spiritual in marriage. 03:35 So this whole notion of "all we need is love" 03:38 is somewhat false. 03:40 We all grew up, especially as young women, 03:42 we grew up wanting this passionate love. 03:46 We see it on TV or we read about it in books, 03:50 and we desire this for ourselves. 03:52 But true love is definitely not a love that can forego 03:59 food and shelter and all the other necessities of life. 04:04 Because that kind of love is not going to sustain us 04:11 in our challenging times. 04:13 When I hear the words, "all we need is love," 04:17 I think back to the early sixties when the Beatles 04:20 landed in the United States and their big song was 04:24 "All We Need Is Love", well I usually say to people 04:26 the Beatles lied to us. 04:28 Because we need much more than love. 04:30 And the love they're singing about was this sentimentalism, 04:33 this erotic love, this passionate love 04:36 that has nothing to do with the love of God, 04:38 with what is lasting. 04:40 And truly, couples who are so in love who think that 04:44 they don't need anything but love, will find out very quickly 04:47 that if you can't pay your rent, the fact that you're in love 04:51 is not going to impress anyone. 04:53 If you are in love, that certainly can't buy food. 04:56 So, we need much more than love. 04:58 Certainly much more than passionate love. 05:01 We need the love that is a principle, 05:04 the love that goes beyond just feeling. 05:07 Absolutely. 05:09 And that's very clearly delineated in 1 Cor. 13:4-8. 05:55 So here again, Elaine, we're talking about love 05:58 as a principle, the love of God. 06:01 The only kind of love that will endure the test of time 06:04 is the love of God, is the agape love. 06:08 When we look at the New Testament and we see 06:10 what Christ did for humankind, that He died, 06:15 that is a love that is unconditional. 06:18 That is a love that comes from a pure place 06:21 where it's not about what you're getting but what you're giving. 06:25 And so we see here that the word "agape" is exclusive 06:30 to the New Testament. 06:31 Well, it's a Greek word but you don't find it 06:34 in classical Greek literature. 06:36 It's in the New Testament. 06:38 To be sure, there are other words for love, 06:40 and one of those, also Greek is "eros". 06:45 And "eros" is the word from which we get erotic love, 06:48 passionate love. 06:50 And not that passion is not important, but certainly 06:54 passion will fade, and passion is not going to keep you. 06:59 What is going to keep you is the agape love. 07:02 That love that is unconditional. That love that is of God. 07:06 And God wants every single one of us 07:09 who are married, if we're going to have marriages 07:13 that can give honor and glory to God, 07:15 it needs to be based on the principle of love. 07:18 One that never fails. 07:20 One that is the same today, tomorrow, and the week after. 07:25 That is the kind of love that we need for each of our families. 07:28 And then of course, there is the other word for love, "philos" 07:33 which really means the love of humanity, 07:35 brotherly love, sisterly love. 07:38 And while in marriage we also want to have that kind of love, 07:40 the love that we really need is agape love. 07:45 The love of God, unconditional love, 07:47 unwavering, unchanging. 07:50 Always ready to do the right things. 07:54 Always ready to support, always ready to be kind, 07:59 to be compassionate, to be nurturing, 08:01 to be respectful, to be honest, to be caring. 08:05 That is the only way we can make marriage 08:10 as meaningful as God wants it to be. 08:14 So you're saying then, that God is the source 08:18 of all life and love. 08:20 That we get the fuel for this agape love 08:23 through the power of God. 08:26 The only place. 08:27 So it is possible for us then as human beings that are married 08:32 to each other, to have this agape love for one another. 08:36 Indeed. 08:37 So as we try to understand the notion of spirituality 08:41 in marriage, it's a lot deeper than just 08:44 going to church together. 08:46 Well yes, lots of us are Christians and we go to church, 08:50 we sing, we read the scripture at least in church, 08:55 and we need to do much more than that. 08:57 We need to be intimately connected to God. 09:02 If we're not intimately connected to God, 09:04 and it's something that needs to happen every day, 09:06 well, something is going to happen in this relationship, 09:11 something is going to happen that's going to trip us up, 09:15 that's going to not have us ready when something 09:19 really big happens and we need God's power to see us through. 09:24 So spirituality then, is oneness with God. 09:27 Yes. 09:28 And we've been talking about oneness. 09:30 And that's what we've been trying to bring out 09:32 in this series Marriage In God's Hands, 09:35 that God intends for us to be one with one another. 09:38 And one of the areas of this oneness, this spirituality. 09:43 What I love about what we've been sharing so far 09:46 is the fact that in our understanding now 09:48 of spirituality, we understand that is has everything 09:52 to do with oneness with God. 09:54 And that our marriages will do a whole lot better if 09:58 we put it into God's hands, and He will fuel that agape love. 10:04 He will give us the power that we need in our relationships. 10:07 He will help us to bring out the best in one another. 10:12 So, if we are one with God and we take our relationship 10:16 with God very seriously, if we are willing to surrender 10:22 completely to God each and every day, 10:26 Paul says, "I die daily," then we will experience this 10:31 oneness with God, that in essence we can have that oneness 10:35 with our spouse that God intends. 10:37 The question that we need to ask is 10:39 "What does it mean to be one?" 10:41 Certainly, to be one means to be on the same page. 10:43 Certainly, to be one means that we have the same values. 10:47 Certainly, to be one means that we're pulling 10:49 in the same direction. 10:50 So, if we're one with God, it means that our lives 10:54 are entwined with God's. 10:56 And if our lives, individually, are entwined with God's, 11:00 then we know that we are one with God. 11:05 And every Christian, every viable Christian 11:09 can only remain viable as he or she nurtures 11:13 that relationship with God every day. 11:15 I noticed as we were flying the other day, 11:18 we were in the airport and it was about 8:30 or 9:00 o'clock 11:22 that morning, and I saw people eating 11:25 in their chairs while waiting to board their flights. 11:27 And they were eating. 11:28 And I saw a woman that was really eating 11:31 like her life depended on it. 11:33 And I thought to myself, if as Christians we recognize 11:39 the need, the absolute need of feeding on the word of God, 11:44 of being nurtured by God every day, 11:47 to be spiritually viable, we would be doing 11:50 exactly what that woman was doing. 11:52 First thing in the morning, and Ellen White says to 11:54 make this your first work, commend yourself to God. 11:58 Pay attention, make sure you are connected to Him. 12:02 Because you cannot afford to live without Him. 12:06 Here's what we also found out, that crisis in marriage 12:10 is a spiritual crisis. 12:15 Why do people have crisis in marriage? 12:17 Well, marriage is spiritual work. 12:21 And because it's spiritual work, unless we are engaged 12:25 in marriage spiritually, using the values we find in scripture, 12:32 there's going to be a crisis in your marriage. 12:35 Every once in a while, sometimes more than I care 12:40 to speak about, I find Christians who come to me 12:45 and their marriages are in crisis. 12:47 Why is your marriage in crisis? 12:49 Look at yourself and ask yourself, 12:52 "Why is my marriage in crisis?" 12:54 I hazard a guess, and it's not a guess, 12:57 it is actually a fact, that if your marriage is in crisis 13:01 there's a spiritual crisis in your life. 13:05 For a marriage to be strong it needs to be caring, 13:08 it needs to be humble, it needs to be forgiving, 13:11 it needs to be kind. 13:12 For marriages to be strong they need to be spiritual. 13:16 And so, as we become more spiritual and connected to God, 13:20 our marriages become what He wants it to be. 13:23 Please stand by for a few moments and we'll be right back. 13:36 There are many "How To" books available. 13:38 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:41 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:44 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:48 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:50 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:53 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:10 Welcome back. 14:11 We've been speaking about spirituality in marriage. 14:14 And just to sort of review a little bit of what 14:16 we've been talking about, we've been talking about the 14:19 fact that spirituality equals oneness with God. 14:22 So when we talk about spirituality, 14:24 we're talking about our relationship with God. 14:28 It's not something that we put on. 14:30 It's not just about going to church. 14:32 It's not just about reading the Bible. 14:33 But it's understanding God's concept of oneness. 14:38 Now keep in mind that as we explore 14:40 God's plan for intimacy in marriage, 14:43 He's given us the marriage relationship to most closely 14:48 understand what He means when He's talking about oneness 14:52 in marriage. 14:53 I think that makes it so much more profound for us, 14:56 those of us who've been given the gift of marriage. 14:59 How important it is for us to nurture this relationship 15:03 if we are to really understand what God says, what He means 15:08 when He talks about oneness with Him. 15:11 So what is the spiritual crisis, we ask? 15:12 What is this spiritual crisis? 15:14 Because we said that crisis in marriage 15:17 is a spiritual crisis. 15:18 Well, a spiritual crisis is that the first one is time. 15:23 We don't spend enough time with God. 15:26 We have been so busy, we have been caught up in the rat race. 15:33 Out working, going to school, 15:35 not taking the time to begin the day with God. 15:39 Not reading our scriptures. 15:41 Watching too much TV, stuff that we shouldn't be watching. 15:46 Reading other secular books that are really not important and 15:50 really are not building up our relationship. 15:52 So, the spiritual crisis is the issue of time 15:57 and how we use time. 15:58 Because unless we use time to nurture 16:02 our relationship with God, it's just not going to happen. 16:06 We've got to put the time in for our relationship 16:08 to be at an optimum. 16:11 There's also the issue of trust as we talk about 16:14 the spiritual crisis. 16:17 Do we really trust God? 16:19 We walk around a lot and we like to say 16:21 "God is our Father" or "God is our Master" 16:26 and all these other beautiful words. 16:29 Pleasant platitudes, if you will, 16:31 that sound good and they impress people. 16:33 But do we really trust God? 16:36 Do we really believe that He has the power to heal us, 16:41 that He has the power to heal our relationships? 16:43 That He has the power to give us the type of intimacy 16:47 and oneness in marriage? 16:48 So, as we're talking about building this oneness 16:52 with one another and with God, we've got to take steps, 16:58 baby steps maybe to begin with, to really get a clear 17:02 understanding of what God means to us. 17:05 And learning to trust Him, learning to believe in Him, 17:09 getting past our fear. 17:11 Perhaps it's fear that keeps us from trusting Him. 17:15 And a lot of that comes from the fact that we think 17:18 we can do it on our own. 17:20 Most times when we say we rely on God, 17:24 it's after we've tried it ourselves, 17:27 after we've tried to fix the problem ourselves. 17:30 And then we turn to God. 17:32 And what we need to learn to do is to trust God first, 17:35 is to open His word, read His word, 17:38 get a clear understanding of what He intends for us 17:42 and the blessings that He wants to give us. 17:45 I'm always so moved by the fact that God 17:48 has a plan for our lives. 17:50 He talks about that in Jeremiah where He says, 17:53 "I have a plan for you. I have plans to prosper you. 17:57 Plans not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " 18:01 And if we could just take that to heart, 18:03 then we will begin that journey of nurturing 18:08 that oneness with God. 18:10 And I truly believe that when we have a close relationship 18:14 with God, we'll have great marriages, 18:17 we'll have a great relationship. 18:18 We'll be able to have the type of intimacy 18:21 that God wants us to have in our relationships. 18:24 Another point in this whole issue of the spiritual crisis 18:27 is the issue of surrender. 18:29 We haven't fully surrendered to God. 18:31 We haven't fully surrendered to our mates. 18:34 We're holding back. 18:36 Many times there's this false notion in secular thought, 18:42 and it comes into the church and to us a people of God, 18:45 and that is, "Well if you're going to be a Christian 18:50 what is it you're giving up?" 18:51 And so, we say we want to be children of God, 18:55 we say we want to be saved by God, 18:58 but we think that somehow there's something that 19:02 we're giving up. 19:03 I want to be clear that when it comes to God and to marriage, 19:09 the issues are synonymous, 19:13 we have to be fully surrendered to God 19:15 and understand that we're not giving up anything. 19:17 Well, indeed we are giving up something. 19:19 But what we're giving up is death for life. 19:22 I speak to young people who are in their early twenties, or 19:26 sometimes they're moving toward their thirties, 19:28 and we have a conversation about marriage, and I say, 19:31 Well, any plans for marriage?" 19:32 "Well, you know, I'm not sure I'm willing to give up my" 19:35 singlehoodness yet. " 19:37 What is it you're giving up? 19:39 Mind you, nothing against those of you who want to be single. 19:42 Certainly, it's a viable way of living. 19:45 And not everyone needs to be married. 19:47 But if you're not married because you're afraid of 19:50 giving up something, all we're giving up is not having anyone, 19:55 to having someone. 19:57 We mentioned earlier on that two are better than one 20:00 as found in the book of Ecclesiastes. 20:02 And God, His plan was for us to have marriage. 20:06 But if we're going to have marriage and it's going to work, 20:08 we have to be fully surrendered. 20:10 Surrendered to God, which means no holds barred. 20:14 What we want to do is what God wants us to do. 20:17 And surrendered to marriage, surrendered to our mate. 20:19 So that we're not holding on to some old boyfriend or 20:23 some old girlfriend, or something that we did 20:26 before we got married. 20:27 No, there's nothing better than to be in this relationship 20:30 that God ordained. 20:32 So, if there's not going to be a spiritual crisis, 20:34 we're going to have to deal with these issues 20:37 that we just mentioned. 20:38 Time, trust, and surrender. 20:43 So, how do we integrate this spirituality into our marriage? 20:47 How do we bring it all together? 20:50 One of the things that we need to do 20:51 first and foremost is self-work. 20:53 And we've been speaking a lot about that. 20:55 I think we stressed that, we've stressed that a lot 20:58 in this segment, the fact that we have to be surrendered 21:02 to God first. 21:03 So, let me rephrase that and say, 21:05 I have to be surrendered to God. 21:08 There's self-work that we have to do. 21:09 We have to work on our own personal relationship with God. 21:13 We've got to talk to God personally every day. 21:17 We have to experience God's love and accept His grace 21:22 and His forgiveness in our lives every day. 21:24 And when we're able to do that, then we're able to pass that on 21:28 to our mate. 21:29 I'm always moved by the fact that God forgives me 21:34 every single day. 21:35 And if God does that for me, then how can I not 21:39 do that for my mate. 21:42 There's another issue, also, as we integrate this spirituality 21:45 into our marriage, and that is again, 21:46 we have to take the time. 21:48 Take the time to read the Bible. 21:51 Take the time to commune with God. 21:53 There's something that we haven't learned to do well 21:56 in western society that other cultures 22:00 have learned to do better. 22:01 And that is the whole issue of meditation. 22:04 And when I say meditation, I'm not talking about some 22:08 nebulous, trying to be in a vacuum, meditation. 22:12 I'm talking about meditating on God. 22:14 Ellen White tells us in Desire of Ages 22:16 that if we spent an hour each day meditating on God, 22:22 our lives would be different. 22:24 Imagine, He gave up heaven for me. 22:28 I'm a sinner, the only thing I deserve is death. 22:31 But God gave up heaven, came down and became human like me 22:38 so that I can have eternal life. 22:40 So again, we have to take the time to be devoted to God. 22:46 We have to take the time to be devoted to our mate. 22:50 If we don't make the time, we're not going to grow. 22:54 We said earlier on that if we're going to nurture fun and 22:58 friendship in marriage, that we're going to have to 23:01 make the time. 23:02 So, spirituality doesn't just emerge in a vacuum. 23:08 We're going to have to put the time in, study God's word, 23:11 spend time in communion with Him, 23:13 spend time having fun with our mate, 23:15 spend time reading the word of God together, 23:18 spend time nurturing our spiritual selves 23:22 so that we are spiritually viable 23:25 and we have the agape love 23:28 to give to our marital relationships. 23:31 Another way that we can integrate 23:33 spirituality into marriage is through our communication 23:37 and our conflict resolutions. 23:39 We're coming full circle here, as we talk about 23:42 conflict resolution, about communicating with our spouse. 23:45 And all of this has to do with spirituality. 23:49 How does it have to do with spirituality? 23:50 Spirituality is oneness with God. 23:53 And if we're one with God, then we have the ability then 23:58 to be kind to our spouse. 24:00 We have the ability then to forgive our spouse. 24:03 We have the ability to desire to forgive our spouse. 24:08 So it makes it that much easier, not easy but easier, 24:14 for us to treat our spouse in the way that God treats us. 24:20 This whole work of marriage is salvific. 24:27 Yes it is. 24:28 This is about us working out our salvation. 24:32 God has already saved us. 24:34 If we are saved, then we're going to reflect His glory. 24:40 We're going to reflect His goodness. 24:42 We're going to be a witness, not to just our neighbors, 24:47 and our friends, and the people across the street, 24:49 but we're going to be first and foremost, a witness 24:53 to our own spouse. 24:54 So, here are some recommendations 24:55 to increasing spirituality in marriage. 24:57 Number one, if we're going to increase the spirituality 24:59 in our marriage, we need to share our spiritual walk. 25:02 Talk about "what Christ has done for me" with my mate. 25:05 What does it mean to me? What does Jesus mean to me? 25:10 Share with each other. 25:11 When you share with each other, you build each other up. 25:14 Not only that, you begin to see your marriage as spiritual work. 25:19 Because that's what it is. 25:21 And one of the things that we like to do and we can share 25:25 with others, is the fact that when we have our 25:28 morning worship, and we use to do it with our children 25:30 when they were at home, now they're both in college, 25:33 but we still continue to do it, where in the morning 25:36 we ask one another, what are your praises? 25:40 What are your prayer requests? 25:41 What are your challenges in life? 25:43 That's a safe way to share spirituality with one another, 25:48 to share our spiritual walk. 25:50 We also can share scripture. 25:52 And I know just recently, I was going through a difficult time 25:57 in my life, just some challenges. 26:00 And you said, you were reading your Bible and you said, 26:03 "Babe, I want to share this text with you. " 26:07 And that was very powerful to me. 26:08 So we can share scripture with one another. 26:11 That's another way that we can share spirituality together. 26:15 We can also pray together. 26:19 The Bible says in James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins 26:23 to one another and pray for one another. " 26:26 So, God wants us to pray for one another in our relationships. 26:31 When we pray for one another and we pray together, 26:33 we acknowledge the presence of God, we acknowledge 26:37 His leading in our lives and in our relationships. 26:41 Another way in which we can increase our spiritual intimacy 26:43 is by worshiping together. 26:45 So have morning devotions together, evening worship, 26:48 family worship, but specifically as a couple, 26:51 we can worship together. 26:53 And then we can share a ministry together. 26:55 Like we are doing, Elaine. 26:56 When you share a ministry together 26:57 your lives become richer. 26:59 You're able to make a difference in your world together. 27:04 And that is not only good for people on the other side, 27:07 that's good for us on this side. 27:09 Absolutely. 27:11 Ellen White, in Gospel Workers page 204, says: 27:30 She has such a wonderful way of saying things. 27:33 And I'm always happy we can end with a promise of success. 27:37 Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ 27:40 who gives me strength. " 27:41 May God bless you all. |
Revised 2014-12-17