Participants: Willie Oliver, Elaine Oliver
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000055
|
00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Oliver, Director of Family Ministries for the 00:35 Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:38 I'm Elaine Oliver, Willie's partner in ministry 00:41 and a Marriage and Family Consultant for the 00:43 Seventh-day Adventist Church in North America. 00:45 We're delighted to be here and that you have joined us. 00:50 In my work of working with families, I've found that 00:55 when we deal with marriage, one of the issues that surfaces 01:00 is the importance of having fun. 01:03 People have lots of fun when they date. 01:07 They do lots of different things that are fun things, and 01:10 then they get married and their lives go into a pattern 01:16 where it becomes ho-hum and a little boring. 01:20 So we want to talk today about the importance of nurturing fun 01:23 and friendship in marriage. 01:26 I think this is going to be a great topic 01:28 because fun is always a good thing. 01:30 And as couples, we really need to focus on having more fun. 01:35 We've spoken in other segments about nurturing oneness. 01:39 And this is definitely one area in which we can nurture oneness 01:43 in our relationship. 01:45 In the Bible, in the book of Proverbs 17:17, 01:50 it says something very important. 02:00 A friend loves at all times. 02:02 What's poignant about that text is the fact that 02:07 the whole issue of love at all times 02:11 is because love is a principle. 02:14 In marriage, many times we think that 02:17 we have a good marriage because we feel good about each other, 02:20 we like each other. 02:22 The truth is we don't always like each other 02:24 because we don't always do things that are likeable. 02:26 We don't always do things that make our spouse feel good. 02:31 But one thing we need to realize, and that is 02:34 we need to love at all times. 02:36 Because love is a principle and it never changes. 02:40 It's a God thing. 02:41 God loved us and we love God. 02:45 We love our spouse. 02:47 And so, if love is guiding us as a principle, 02:51 we know that despite the fact that there might be 02:54 ups and downs, that we can rely on the principle of love. 03:00 Friendship is essential. 03:03 It's an essential ingredient in marriage. 03:06 And it seems odd that we would have to talk about that 03:10 because when we first get married, most of us do 03:13 start out as friends. 03:14 Well, perhaps we didn't start out as true friends. 03:18 And that's why we want to focus a little bit today on 03:21 nurturing friendship, nurturing fun in a relationship. 03:25 There's another wonderful text in the Bible 03:27 that's found in Proverbs 27:6, and it says: 03:38 When we have friends that we've had for a long time, 03:42 we don't try to terminate that relationship 03:46 because we have a disagreement. 03:47 We stick in there for the long haul. 03:51 And so it needs to be with our marital relationship 03:55 where we're willing to hang in there. 03:57 Where we're willing to treat this relationship 04:01 as a friendship, as a true friendship. 04:04 Something that we're willing to endure the wounds, if you will. 04:09 Because in true friendship wounds will come. 04:14 Apparently what the Bible is saying is that it's 04:16 talking about the faithfulness of friends. 04:18 And of course we're talking in this context 04:21 of the faithfulness of marriage. 04:23 If your spouse is your friend, and you're being wounded 04:26 by what your spouse is saying, but it's a faithful wound. 04:29 And I think when the Bible speaks of a faithful wound, 04:31 it's really speaking about the fact that your spouse, 04:35 who's your friend, may say something that you don't like. 04:38 But they may say that to build you up, to help nurture you, 04:43 to help tell you the truth. 04:44 If you're going down the wrong path, for example, 04:47 or you are engaged in habits that are destructive, 04:51 who else is going to tell you 04:53 but someone who's that close to you. 04:55 Your spouse, your friend. 04:57 So faithful are the wounds of a friend, of a true friend. 05:01 Than what? 05:02 Than the kisses of an enemy. 05:04 Somebody else who doesn't even care about you, 05:06 who may give you flattery and say, "Oh, you're wonderful. " 05:10 But, we're not all so wonderful. 05:12 Because the truth of the matter is, we're human. 05:14 And as humans, we make mistakes. 05:17 Sometimes, we may not be saying things that are as kind. 05:21 Sometimes even in our friendships, we may say things 05:24 that are not as nice, and maybe we shouldn't have said it. 05:30 And maybe we should have been more careful. 05:32 And we need to be sensitive to that and say, 05:37 "Ok, this is a friendship and I'm interested 05:40 in nurturing this relationship. " 05:42 And so again, we go back to that notion of 05:45 giving the person the benefit of the doubt. 05:48 We do it in our regular friendships, 05:50 why not do it in our own marriage. 05:53 The Bible continues in Proverbs 27:9 05:56 to expound on the virtues of friendship 05:59 and what it is that friendship does, 06:01 and what is it that friendship is like. 06:03 And it says: 06:13 If we're giving counsel to a friend, 06:15 then we're giving counsel out of regard, 06:17 we're giving counsel out of respect. 06:19 We're giving counsel because we want the best for our friend. 06:23 We want the best for the relationship. 06:25 So in marriage, the closest relationship humans will have, 06:30 God is saying enjoy the friendship, 06:34 trust the friendship. 06:36 Make it so that the friendship counts. 06:39 And it counts because the counsel you're giving is sweet. 06:42 The counsel you're giving is going to move me forward and 06:45 make me a better person than I already am. 06:49 That's so true. 06:50 So, what does this friendship look like? 06:52 What do we want in a friend? 06:54 What are we looking for when we choose our friends? 06:58 What exactly are we looking for? 07:01 Tell me, if we ask the question, "What are you looking for 07:05 when you look for a friend?" 07:07 Well, certainly we're looking for someone to have fun with. 07:09 We're looking for someone who believes 07:12 much the same way we believe. 07:14 We have values in common. 07:16 We have things we like to do in common. 07:18 Perhaps we like the same kinds of foods 07:20 so we're going to eat out together at a particular or 07:23 a favorite restaurant. 07:25 What are you looking for in a friend? 07:28 Someone once said that a friend is someone who 07:30 is happy to see you come and has no immediate plans 07:34 for your change. 07:37 I love that. That is exactly right. 07:40 And do you think that perhaps that's why so often in marriage 07:43 the friendship goes awry? 07:45 Because perhaps there are all these expectations? 07:48 These unmet expectations that we have, 07:52 that we put on our relationship? 07:54 And so, we are looking to change each other 07:58 And maybe we need to come back to that, 08:00 where we just look at our mates as a friend, as a companion. 08:04 One of the things that I would appreciate in a friendship, 08:09 as you asked the question, "what are we looking for in a friend", 08:12 is trust, loyalty. 08:16 Someone who I can trust with my most intimate thoughts. 08:21 That's going to take care of them, that's not going to 08:25 make fun of them. 08:26 That's going to respect what I have to say, what I'm thinking. 08:30 And I don't feel like I have to be someone else 08:32 with that person. So someone who is respectful. 08:33 Absolutely. 08:35 Someone who'll tell you the truth. 08:37 Gently. 08:39 You know, gently. 08:40 It doesn't have to be the brutal truth, right? 08:45 What else? 08:46 Well, I think in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, 08:50 there are some wonderful verses there 08:53 that talk about friendship and what we can find in friendship. 08:56 Let's take a look and see what it says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. 09:37 So, four points are made in this text. 09:39 One, there's more productivity when there are two. 09:42 And basically, the writer of Ecclesiastes 09:47 is writing to a Jewish audience and the structure of 09:52 what he is saying is very Jewish. 09:55 He begins, actually, in verse 8 speaking about a man 10:01 who's by himself, who can't do a whole lot, 10:03 who is going to become lonely. 10:04 And then it goes into verse 9, "two are better than one" 10:08 because they're more productive. 10:10 So, if two people are working together, 10:12 they can get more work done. 10:14 And it goes on to say in verse 10 that there's more support. 10:18 "For if either of them falls, one will help the other up. " 10:22 So there's support when you have two. 10:25 And then verse 11, there's warmth. 10:27 "Two under a blanket will remain warm. 10:30 But one will be cold. " 10:32 So, two are better than one. 10:33 And then verse 12, "And if one can overpower him who is alone, 10:37 two can resist him. " 10:39 So again, we're talking about marriage, 10:42 we're talking about support, we're talking about 10:44 doing more together. 10:46 And there's lots of research in the secular research that 10:49 suggests that married people do better, are happier, 10:54 are more successful, make more money believe it or not. 10:58 Even though we are not suggesting that we should 11:02 love money, but we all need money to live. 11:05 And people who are married also are healthier, live longer, 11:10 and, believe it or not even though that's not the topic 11:13 we're dealing with, have better sex. 11:16 So God wants us, in our relationships, to be happy, 11:21 to be healthy, to be productive, and to support one another. 11:26 I like that. I like that a lot. 11:29 So how do we preserve this friendship in our relationship? 11:32 One of the things that we really have to do is 11:35 we've got to make the time. 11:36 It's really critical that we take the time out. 11:39 So many relationships are struggling today because 11:42 we think we don't have the time for our friendship, 11:48 for the fun in our relationships. 11:50 So we've got to make the time. 11:52 We also need to protect this time from conflict. 11:56 We've spoke about in another segment, 11:59 about dealing with conflict. 12:01 When we deal with our conflict, that's not the time 12:04 that we deal with having fun and preserving our friendship. 12:08 We also need to remember to listen like a friend. 12:12 Spend more time listening as opposed to giving counsel. 12:16 Because many times, people will find the answers for themselves. 12:20 And in our marriages, sometimes we want to always tell the 12:24 other person what to do. 12:25 Whether it's expedient to do so or we just don't want to 12:29 take the time to listen. 12:31 We have much more to say, but we're going to be 12:34 coming back real soon. 12:35 So, just hold on and we will be right back. 12:47 There are many "How To" books available. 12:49 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 12:53 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 12:55 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 12:59 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:02 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:05 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 13:22 Welcome back. 13:23 You were saying Elaine? 13:26 I was talking before the break about preserving friendship. 13:29 Because we've been talking about friendship in marriage. 13:32 And it shouldn't be a strange notion, but I think after 13:36 we've been marriage for a while, we forget about the friendship 13:40 part of our relationship. 13:42 So a few of the things that I was sharing was the fact that 13:45 we need to make the time. 13:46 And too often in our relationships, we say that 13:49 we don't have the time to nurture our friendship 13:52 and our fun because we're so bogged down 13:55 with the daily cares of our lives. 13:58 And we need to make the time to be friends with each other, 14:03 to have fun with each other, to share with one another. 14:05 To do things that we did before we got married. 14:10 So making the time is essential to having a great marriage. 14:14 The other thing that is very important is to 14:17 protect this time from conflict. 14:19 So, as we have shared in another segment, 14:22 the time for dealing with conflict 14:27 is not when we're having fun. 14:29 So when we decide we're going to have a date night, 14:31 let's say we have decided that one night a week 14:34 or one day a week, we're going to make it our friendship time, 14:38 our date night, if you will. 14:39 That is not the day that we talk about our problems. 14:42 And it's really important that we separate those two. 14:45 Because if we're always talking about problems, 14:48 it's hard to nurture a friendship. 14:52 So what I'm hearing you say then is that you don't want to be 14:56 talking about problems when you're trying to have fun. 14:58 That when it's fun time... 15:01 it's just fun time. 15:03 Protect it from conflict so that we know we're having fun. 15:06 And that we are having a good time. 15:09 And if we're going to deal with conflict, 15:10 we do that at a separate time when we have decided to do so. 15:14 Right, and I'm sure it's very difficult. 15:16 Because sometimes when we're having problems, 15:19 we want to just go at it, 15:20 we want to tackle that situation. 15:23 And we have to learn in our relationship that there is a 15:26 time and a place for everything. 15:28 So, protecting the time from conflict is really important. 15:31 Another thing as I said earlier but it's worth repeating, 15:35 is that we need to learn to listen, listen as a friend. 15:39 Remember, we spoke about being slow to speak 15:43 and quick to listen. 15:45 It's really important that we stay away from advice giving. 15:49 Earlier we said that a friend give good counsel? 15:52 But probably, we should stay away from the counsel, 15:56 do less counseling and more listening. 15:59 More often than not, people will find the answers 16:02 to their problems if they're heard. 16:05 What I'm hearing you say, that if people are not asking 16:07 for advice, you probably shouldn't just 16:09 volunteer the advice. 16:11 That's probably a good thing. 16:13 That when people want your opinion, 16:15 they're going to ask you for it. 16:16 "What do you think about this, what do you think about that?" 16:19 If you're always just can't wait to tell your spouse 16:23 what he or she needs to here, you think, 16:26 then it becomes obnoxious. 16:27 And it's not really a lot of fun. 16:31 I think so. 16:32 Now of course, if I see you getting ready to 16:33 go out on the street with purple stripped pants 16:38 and a green polka dot shirt, I may have to 16:41 give you some counsel. 16:42 But I'd try to do it very gently so that you don't feel like 16:46 I'm trying to be your mother or something like that. 16:49 What if I'm enjoying the stripped pants and the 16:52 polka dot shirt, and it's just one of those moments in my life 16:55 where I feel that this is what I want to wear? 16:58 How about that? 17:00 Do you think that I'm going to take kindly 17:02 to your counsel at that time? 17:04 It goes back to what we said earlier about respect. 17:07 Then I need to respect you and your choices. 17:11 Because after all, you are an adult. 17:12 And marriage is for adults. 17:14 And so I need to assume that you've thought this through 17:18 and that you're ok with it. 17:20 And because I love you, I going to be ok with it too. 17:23 So, there might be some method to the madness. 17:26 Perhaps something is happening that you don't know about. 17:29 So go with it, go with the flow. 17:31 The truth of the matter is that fun is very important 17:34 in marriage, and unless we get back to the place where 17:37 we are actually having fun, we're going to start 17:39 asking ourselves, "Why am I with this person?" 17:41 If nobody got married to have a good fight, 17:45 people got married because they enjoyed each other's company... 17:49 Just the other day, I was speaking to a young man 17:51 who can't wait to get married. 17:53 He's getting married to a woman who lives in Sweden. 17:56 And he is counting down the days and perhaps the weeks. 18:01 And he can't wait. 18:02 After waiting so long to get married and 18:06 all the anticipation, well the least you could do is have fun 18:09 after you get married. 18:11 So we usually say to people, once you get married, 18:14 keep doing the things that you use to do before. 18:17 Enjoy each other's company. Do fun things. 18:20 Because what makes it fun in marriage is the fact that 18:23 you're involved in doing fun things. 18:24 Invariably when we are married for a year or two, 18:28 we start going into a rut, and we need to be able 18:31 to get out of our ruts so that we give attention 18:34 to our marriages in a way that will enhance the relationship 18:38 and make us feel that we're really living. 18:41 This is very, very important. 18:42 The whole priority that we place on our relationship, 18:46 and the things that are most important to us, 18:51 are the things that we give priority to. 18:54 So, if our relationships are important to us 18:57 then we've got to give it priority. 18:59 So, it doesn't take much. 19:01 It doesn't have to be something long. 19:03 One of the things that we love to do is we love 19:05 to go for walks together. 19:07 And we will get up early in the morning and take a long walk. 19:11 And those are just such special times for me. 19:13 Because we get to talk like friends do. 19:16 And we get to spend that time together. 19:18 And sometimes they're 20 minute or 30 minute walks. 19:22 Sometimes they're in the morning, 19:23 sometimes we do it in the evenings. 19:25 So, it doesn't even have to be something expensive. 19:28 Because I know a lot of times, for some couples they say, 19:30 "Well, we don't have the money. " 19:32 "We just don't have the resources to do something fun. " 19:35 Everyone can find something fun to do that's free. 19:39 It doesn't cost much to just go for a ride in the car, or 19:43 take a walk in the park. 19:44 Or sit on the couch and just chat together about 19:47 our lives and the things that we enjoy doing. 19:50 There's something else that we need to bring up at 19:52 at this juncture. 19:53 And that is to share with our audience that one of the reasons 19:56 we have fun is not just to have fun for fun sake. 19:59 But when you have fun in the relationship, 20:02 then the relationship is healthier. 20:04 And when the relationship is healthier, 20:06 when you're having bad times, you're more likely to 20:09 speak about the things that are not going so well 20:12 because you're having fun together. 20:13 If you're not having fun together and you don't 20:16 trust each other, and there are things that you're hiding, 20:19 it makes it more difficult to talk about things 20:22 that are not going so well. 20:23 But if you're having fun together, 20:25 that increases your likelihood of talking about things 20:28 that are not going so well. 20:29 Which in turn, makes your relationship more fun, 20:33 which in turn, makes your opportunity to talk about 20:37 things that are not going so well, heightened. 20:40 So the relationship is much more healthy because 20:44 you don't allow things to pile up. 20:46 You talk about them because you're friends. 20:49 So, what you're saying is that if I have fun with you, 20:54 then when I have an issue to bring up 20:58 that's a difficult issue, maybe something that's 21:01 causing disagreement or tension or friction in our marriage, 21:05 if we've been having fun, it's a little easier for you to 21:08 receive what I have to say? 21:10 Absolutely. 21:11 Because you're my friend, and if you're my friend 21:14 and you're telling me, "Well, we need to work on this", 21:17 but because we have a relationship 21:19 and we have a good relationship, it's much easier 21:22 to handle those matters than if we didn't 21:24 have a good relationship. 21:25 That's why it's important to have fun. 21:28 So how can we share with other couples 21:31 how they can have fun together? 21:33 There are certain things that couples can do to plan for fun. 21:40 For one, make a list of things that you can do. 21:43 Invariably, we talk to couples who say, 21:45 "Well, we're very busy, we're working hard, 21:48 we're trying to make it and we don't even know 21:50 what things we should do. " 21:51 And we say make a list of fun things that you can do. 21:54 Those of you who are watching right now, 21:56 take some paper out, get a pencil or a pen, 21:59 and start writing about fun things that you can do 22:01 with your mate. 22:02 Perhaps 10 things that you can do with your mate. 22:06 Just come up with a list. 22:07 When your spouse comes home, ask him or her 22:09 to make a list. 22:11 And then what? 22:12 Alright, what if you like jogging and I like walking? 22:17 How do we balance that? 22:19 If there are things that I think are fun 22:22 and there are things that you think are fun, 22:24 and the two don't necessarily jive, if you will. 22:28 What do we do? 22:29 We pick something that you like to do 22:31 and we do that today. 22:33 And perhaps tomorrow you can pick something that 22:35 I like to do and we do that. 22:38 So we learn to compromise, right? 22:40 We learn how to compromise our own autonomy. 22:43 And because you're my friend, and now this is an even deeper 22:48 friendship because you're my intimate ally, if you will, 22:51 I'm going to do something that perhaps I'm not crazy about. 22:55 So I will do something that you like, 22:58 you'll do something that I like, and we can make a long list 23:02 of fun things that we can do together. 23:03 Well, we have a life together. 23:05 We're not going anywhere because we're committed to being with 23:08 each other for life. 23:09 So, it doesn't all have to be done in one week or one month. 23:12 Or one year. 23:14 We have things that we could do. We could plan then out. 23:17 What I'm going to ask is pick three things off that list 23:20 that you've made, pick three things. 23:22 And schedule when you can do them with your spouse. 23:25 Next week, next month. Put them in your schedule. 23:29 As you put them in your schedule and as they come up, 23:31 share it with your mate and let them know 23:34 that this is what we're going to do on a particular night, 23:36 or a particular evening, or a particular weekend, 23:38 and then go ahead and do it. 23:40 The thing is, you have to plan for it to happen. 23:43 If you don't plan it, it's not going to happen. 23:45 If you don't put it on your calendar, 23:46 it's not going to happen. 23:48 What do we put on our calendars? 23:49 Things that are important to us. 23:52 So if we're going to be having fun 23:54 as a married couple, it needs to be important to us. 23:59 And when we give it that importance, 24:01 then we really communicate value to our mate. 24:06 I think another important thing for couples to remember 24:09 is that not everything that we enjoy doing, 24:12 our mate may want to do. 24:14 And I want to stress that, and that's why I've been sort of 24:17 playing with that a little bit. 24:18 Because sometimes we try to force our mate 24:22 to do something that we want to do. 24:24 I love gardening and thank God you enjoy gardening with me. 24:29 But let's say you didn't enjoy gardening as much. 24:31 And actually there's some parts of gardening 24:33 that you don't enjoy as much. That is correct, that's right. 24:35 And do you know what I have learned over the years? 24:37 That I accept the part of gardening that you like. 24:41 And do you know what was really exciting for me? 24:43 And I just want to affirm you here about that is 24:47 that last fall when we were doing our yard clean up 24:49 and we were weeding and all of that, 24:51 we saw that our mailbox needed to be painted. 24:53 And you came outside and you said, "Well, I'll paint the 24:57 mailbox while you do the other things. " 24:59 Now, at first I thought, "Well, I really need help 25:03 with the weeding. " 25:04 But then it occurred to me, if he's going to do the mailbox, 25:08 we're both outside together, and we're doing a fun activity. 25:12 And remember at the end of the day how proud we were? 25:16 We felt fulfilled that we had worked together 25:19 to enhance our surroundings. 25:22 Outside of our home looked nice. 25:23 We had a garden, we had flowers. 25:25 And we had a nice looking mailbox. 25:27 It was wonderful. 25:29 I want to really stress the fact that there was a part of me 25:34 that wanted to be upset. 25:36 Because I don't want anyone to get the impression 25:38 that this just all works flawlessly. 25:41 But there was a part of me that wanted to be upset, 25:43 because I wanted you to do what I wanted you to do. 25:47 And then you came out and you said, "I want to 25:49 spend time with you outside, but I'd rather paint. " 25:52 And I had to make a quick adjustment in my mind, 25:55 change my attitude a little bit, and then say, 25:57 "Wow this is a great thing. We're both outside, 26:00 we're both doing something together as a team. " 26:02 And at the end of the day we were both fulfilled. 26:05 And the mailbox did need to be painted. 26:06 And actually we needed to change it. 26:10 I went to Home Depot, got a new one, bolted it on, 26:14 and all of a sudden, we had a good looking front yard. 26:17 And it's something we did together. 26:19 We had fun, we worked together. 26:21 We felt like we were on the same team. 26:24 And we felt proud of it. 26:26 So that's what needs to happen. 26:27 There are different ways of having fun. 26:29 So there is a deep reward then of nurturing friendship 26:33 in our marriage relationship. 26:35 Ellen White says it well in Adventist Home. 26:53 We see here that God really wants us 26:54 to have a great time in marriage. 26:56 He requires us to have happiness and joy. 27:00 And even though this stuff is difficult, 27:02 it's not very easy, we don't always feel like being nice 27:06 and doing the right thing, we have a promise of success 27:09 in the book of Philippians 4:13, the word of God tells us 27:14 "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. " 27:18 So when I'm not feeling so well, and I'm not in the mood to 27:22 have fun, and yet I realize that there's a need for fun 27:26 in our relationship, I'm going to trust God. 27:29 And give my marriage and put it in God's hands. 27:34 So that we can be what He wants us to be. 27:37 And that the world around us will come to know Him 27:40 because of our joy. 27:42 God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17