Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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I'm Willie Oliver, Director
of Family Ministries for the
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Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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I'm Elaine Oliver,
Willie's partner in ministry
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and a Marriage and
Family Consultant for the
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Seventh-day Adventist
Church in North America.
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We're delighted to be here
and that you have joined us.
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In my work of working
with families, I've found that
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when we deal with marriage,
one of the issues that surfaces
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is the importance of having fun.
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People have lots
of fun when they date.
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They do lots of different
things that are fun things, and
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then they get married and
their lives go into a pattern
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where it becomes
ho-hum and a little boring.
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So we want to talk today about
the importance of nurturing fun
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and friendship in marriage.
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I think this is
going to be a great topic
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because fun is
always a good thing.
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And as couples, we really need
to focus on having more fun.
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We've spoken in other segments
about nurturing oneness.
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And this is definitely one area
in which we can nurture oneness
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in our relationship.
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In the Bible, in the
book of Proverbs 17:17,
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it says
something very important.
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A friend loves at all times.
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What's poignant about
that text is the fact that
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the whole issue
of love at all times
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is because love is a principle.
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In marriage, many
times we think that
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we have a good marriage because
we feel good about each other,
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we like each other.
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The truth is we don't
always like each other
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because we don't always
do things that are likeable.
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We don't always do things
that make our spouse feel good.
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But one thing we need
to realize, and that is
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we need to love at all times.
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Because love is a
principle and it never changes.
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It's a God thing.
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God loved us and we love God.
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We love our spouse.
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And so, if love is
guiding us as a principle,
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we know that despite
the fact that there might be
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ups and downs, that we can
rely on the principle of love.
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Friendship is essential.
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It's an essential
ingredient in marriage.
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And it seems odd that we
would have to talk about that
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because when we first
get married, most of us do
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start out as friends.
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Well, perhaps we didn't
start out as true friends.
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And that's why we want to
focus a little bit today on
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nurturing friendship,
nurturing fun in a relationship.
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There's another
wonderful text in the Bible
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that's found in
Proverbs 27:6, and it says:
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When we have friends that
we've had for a long time,
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we don't try to
terminate that relationship
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because we have a disagreement.
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We stick in there
for the long haul.
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And so it needs to be
with our marital relationship
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where we're
willing to hang in there.
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Where we're willing to
treat this relationship
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as a friendship,
as a true friendship.
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Something that we're willing to
endure the wounds, if you will.
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Because in true
friendship wounds will come.
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Apparently what the
Bible is saying is that it's
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talking about the
faithfulness of friends.
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And of course we're
talking in this context
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of the faithfulness of marriage.
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If your spouse is your
friend, and you're being wounded
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by what your spouse is saying,
but it's a faithful wound.
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And I think when the Bible
speaks of a faithful wound,
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it's really speaking
about the fact that your spouse,
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who's your friend, may say
something that you don't like.
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But they may say that to build
you up, to help nurture you,
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to help tell you the truth.
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If you're going down
the wrong path, for example,
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or you are engaged in
habits that are destructive,
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who else is going to tell you
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but someone who's
that close to you.
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Your spouse, your friend.
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So faithful are the wounds
of a friend, of a true friend.
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Than what?
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Than the kisses of an enemy.
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Somebody else who
doesn't even care about you,
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who may give you flattery and
say, "Oh, you're wonderful. "
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But, we're not all so wonderful.
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Because the truth of
the matter is, we're human.
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And as humans, we make mistakes.
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Sometimes, we may not be
saying things that are as kind.
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Sometimes even in our
friendships, we may say things
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that are not as nice, and
maybe we shouldn't have said it.
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And maybe we should
have been more careful.
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And we need to be
sensitive to that and say,
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"Ok, this is a
friendship and I'm interested
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in nurturing
this relationship. "
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And so again, we go
back to that notion of
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giving the person
the benefit of the doubt.
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We do it in our
regular friendships,
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why not do it in
our own marriage.
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The Bible
continues in Proverbs 27:9
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to expound on the
virtues of friendship
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and what it is
that friendship does,
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and what is it
that friendship is like.
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And it says:
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If we're giving
counsel to a friend,
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then we're giving
counsel out of regard,
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we're giving
counsel out of respect.
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We're giving counsel because
we want the best for our friend.
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We want the best
for the relationship.
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So in marriage, the closest
relationship humans will have,
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God is saying
enjoy the friendship,
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trust the friendship.
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Make it so that
the friendship counts.
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And it counts because the
counsel you're giving is sweet.
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The counsel you're giving
is going to move me forward and
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make me a better
person than I already am.
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That's so true.
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So, what does this
friendship look like?
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What do we want in a friend?
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What are we looking for
when we choose our friends?
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What exactly are we looking for?
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Tell me, if we ask the question,
"What are you looking for
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when you look for a friend?"
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Well, certainly we're looking
for someone to have fun with.
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We're looking for
someone who believes
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much the same way we believe.
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We have values in common.
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We have things we
like to do in common.
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Perhaps we like
the same kinds of foods
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so we're going to eat out
together at a particular or
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a favorite restaurant.
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What are you
looking for in a friend?
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Someone once said that
a friend is someone who
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is happy to see you come
and has no immediate plans
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for your change.
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I love that.
That is exactly right.
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And do you think that perhaps
that's why so often in marriage
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the friendship goes awry?
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Because perhaps there
are all these expectations?
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These unmet
expectations that we have,
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that we put on our relationship?
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And so, we are
looking to change each other
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And maybe we need
to come back to that,
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where we just look at our mates
as a friend, as a companion.
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One of the things that I would
appreciate in a friendship,
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as you asked the question, "what
are we looking for in a friend",
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is trust, loyalty.
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Someone who I can trust
with my most intimate thoughts.
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That's going to take care
of them, that's not going to
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make fun of them.
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That's going to respect what I
have to say, what I'm thinking.
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And I don't feel like
I have to be someone else
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with that person. So
someone who is respectful.
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Absolutely.
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Someone who'll
tell you the truth.
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Gently.
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You know, gently.
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It doesn't have to be
the brutal truth, right?
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What else?
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Well, I think in
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12,
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there are some
wonderful verses there
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that talk about friendship and
what we can find in friendship.
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Let's take a look and see what
it says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.
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So, four points
are made in this text.
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One, there's more
productivity when there are two.
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And basically, the
writer of Ecclesiastes
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is writing to a Jewish
audience and the structure of
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what he is
saying is very Jewish.
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He begins, actually, in
verse 8 speaking about a man
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who's by himself,
who can't do a whole lot,
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who is going to become lonely.
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And then it goes into verse
9, "two are better than one"
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because they're more productive.
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So, if two people
are working together,
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they can get more work done.
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And it goes on to say in verse
10 that there's more support.
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"For if either of them falls,
one will help the other up. "
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So there's
support when you have two.
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And then verse
11, there's warmth.
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"Two under a
blanket will remain warm.
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But one will be cold. "
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So, two are better than one.
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And then verse 12, "And if one
can overpower him who is alone,
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two can resist him. "
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So again, we're
talking about marriage,
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we're talking about
support, we're talking about
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doing more together.
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And there's lots of research
in the secular research that
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suggests that married
people do better, are happier,
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are more successful, make
more money believe it or not.
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Even though we are not
suggesting that we should
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love money, but we
all need money to live.
00:11:02.23\00:11:05.36
And people who are married
also are healthier, live longer,
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and, believe it or not
even though that's not the topic
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we're dealing
with, have better sex.
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So God wants us, in our
relationships, to be happy,
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to be healthy, to be productive,
and to support one another.
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I like that. I like that a lot.
00:11:26.64\00:11:29.07
So how do we preserve this
friendship in our relationship?
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One of the things that
we really have to do is
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we've got to make the time.
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It's really critical
that we take the time out.
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So many relationships
are struggling today because
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we think we don't have
the time for our friendship,
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for the fun in
our relationships.
00:11:48.23\00:11:50.61
So we've got to make the time.
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We also need to protect
this time from conflict.
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We've spoke about
in another segment,
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about dealing with conflict.
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When we deal with our
conflict, that's not the time
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that we deal with having fun
and preserving our friendship.
00:12:04.69\00:12:08.78
We also need to remember
to listen like a friend.
00:12:08.81\00:12:12.34
Spend more time listening
as opposed to giving counsel.
00:12:12.37\00:12:16.26
Because many times, people will
find the answers for themselves.
00:12:16.29\00:12:20.17
And in our marriages, sometimes
we want to always tell the
00:12:20.20\00:12:24.33
other person what to do.
00:12:24.36\00:12:25.71
Whether it's expedient to
do so or we just don't want to
00:12:25.74\00:12:29.42
take the time to listen.
00:12:29.45\00:12:30.78
We have much more to
say, but we're going to be
00:12:31.93\00:12:34.11
coming back real soon.
00:12:34.14\00:12:35.11
So, just hold on and
we will be right back.
00:12:35.12\00:12:39.09
There are many "How
To" books available.
00:12:47.80\00:12:49.68
But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:12:49.71\00:12:52.98
How You Can
Build A Better Marriage
00:12:53.01\00:12:55.39
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:12:55.42\00:12:59.46
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:12:59.49\00:13:02.14
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:02.17\00:13:05.04
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:05.07\00:13:07.08
Welcome back.
00:13:22.35\00:13:23.41
You were saying Elaine?
00:13:23.44\00:13:25.50
I was talking before the break
about preserving friendship.
00:13:26.40\00:13:29.34
Because we've been talking
about friendship in marriage.
00:13:29.37\00:13:32.43
And it shouldn't be a strange
notion, but I think after
00:13:32.46\00:13:36.18
we've been marriage for a while,
we forget about the friendship
00:13:36.21\00:13:40.70
part of our relationship.
00:13:40.73\00:13:42.16
So a few of the things that
I was sharing was the fact that
00:13:42.19\00:13:45.40
we need to make the time.
00:13:45.43\00:13:46.92
And too often in our
relationships, we say that
00:13:46.95\00:13:49.42
we don't have the time
to nurture our friendship
00:13:49.45\00:13:52.76
and our fun because
we're so bogged down
00:13:52.79\00:13:55.08
with the daily
cares of our lives.
00:13:55.11\00:13:58.56
And we need to make the time
to be friends with each other,
00:13:58.59\00:14:03.40
to have fun with each other,
to share with one another.
00:14:03.43\00:14:05.92
To do things that we
did before we got married.
00:14:05.95\00:14:09.85
So making the time is essential
to having a great marriage.
00:14:10.35\00:14:14.28
The other thing that
is very important is to
00:14:14.68\00:14:17.17
protect this time from conflict.
00:14:17.20\00:14:19.90
So, as we have
shared in another segment,
00:14:19.93\00:14:22.59
the time for
dealing with conflict
00:14:22.62\00:14:27.29
is not when we're having fun.
00:14:27.32\00:14:28.97
So when we decide we're
going to have a date night,
00:14:29.00\00:14:31.10
let's say we have
decided that one night a week
00:14:31.13\00:14:34.15
or one day a week, we're going
to make it our friendship time,
00:14:34.18\00:14:38.15
our date night, if you will.
00:14:38.18\00:14:39.62
That is not the day that
we talk about our problems.
00:14:39.65\00:14:42.56
And it's really important
that we separate those two.
00:14:42.76\00:14:45.89
Because if we're
always talking about problems,
00:14:45.92\00:14:48.72
it's hard to
nurture a friendship.
00:14:48.75\00:14:52.46
So what I'm hearing you say then
is that you don't want to be
00:14:52.49\00:14:56.36
talking about problems
when you're trying to have fun.
00:14:56.39\00:14:58.76
That when it's fun time...
00:14:58.79\00:15:00.57
it's just fun time.
00:15:01.37\00:15:02.70
Protect it from conflict so
that we know we're having fun.
00:15:03.79\00:15:06.96
And that we are
having a good time.
00:15:06.99\00:15:09.03
And if we're going
to deal with conflict,
00:15:09.06\00:15:10.83
we do that at a separate time
when we have decided to do so.
00:15:10.86\00:15:13.90
Right, and I'm sure
it's very difficult.
00:15:14.30\00:15:16.61
Because sometimes
when we're having problems,
00:15:16.64\00:15:19.04
we want to just go at it,
00:15:19.07\00:15:20.51
we want to
tackle that situation.
00:15:20.54\00:15:23.81
And we have to learn in our
relationship that there is a
00:15:23.84\00:15:26.50
time and a place for everything.
00:15:26.53\00:15:28.61
So, protecting the time from
conflict is really important.
00:15:28.64\00:15:31.82
Another thing as I said earlier
but it's worth repeating,
00:15:31.85\00:15:35.57
is that we need to learn
to listen, listen as a friend.
00:15:35.60\00:15:39.50
Remember, we spoke
about being slow to speak
00:15:39.53\00:15:42.98
and quick to listen.
00:15:43.01\00:15:45.54
It's really important that
we stay away from advice giving.
00:15:45.57\00:15:49.74
Earlier we said that a
friend give good counsel?
00:15:49.77\00:15:52.34
But probably, we should
stay away from the counsel,
00:15:52.37\00:15:56.12
do less counseling
and more listening.
00:15:56.15\00:15:59.32
More often than not,
people will find the answers
00:15:59.35\00:16:02.92
to their
problems if they're heard.
00:16:02.95\00:16:05.16
What I'm hearing you say,
that if people are not asking
00:16:05.36\00:16:07.70
for advice, you
probably shouldn't just
00:16:07.73\00:16:09.66
volunteer the advice.
00:16:09.69\00:16:10.90
That's probably a good thing.
00:16:11.11\00:16:13.65
That when people
want your opinion,
00:16:13.68\00:16:15.28
they're going to ask you for it.
00:16:15.31\00:16:16.32
"What do you think about this,
what do you think about that?"
00:16:16.35\00:16:19.20
If you're always just
can't wait to tell your spouse
00:16:19.50\00:16:23.25
what he or she
needs to here, you think,
00:16:23.28\00:16:26.38
then it becomes obnoxious.
00:16:26.41\00:16:27.94
And it's not
really a lot of fun.
00:16:27.97\00:16:30.17
I think so.
00:16:31.27\00:16:32.24
Now of course, if I
see you getting ready to
00:16:32.25\00:16:33.94
go out on the street
with purple stripped pants
00:16:33.97\00:16:38.02
and a green polka
dot shirt, I may have to
00:16:38.05\00:16:41.42
give you some counsel.
00:16:41.45\00:16:42.66
But I'd try to do it very gently
so that you don't feel like
00:16:42.69\00:16:46.89
I'm trying to be your
mother or something like that.
00:16:46.92\00:16:48.94
What if I'm enjoying
the stripped pants and the
00:16:49.45\00:16:52.59
polka dot shirt, and it's just
one of those moments in my life
00:16:52.62\00:16:55.76
where I feel that this
is what I want to wear?
00:16:55.79\00:16:58.00
How about that?
00:16:58.03\00:16:59.73
Do you think that
I'm going to take kindly
00:17:00.03\00:17:02.28
to your counsel at that time?
00:17:02.31\00:17:03.82
It goes back to what we
said earlier about respect.
00:17:04.11\00:17:07.17
Then I need to
respect you and your choices.
00:17:07.20\00:17:11.01
Because after
all, you are an adult.
00:17:11.04\00:17:12.80
And marriage is for adults.
00:17:12.83\00:17:14.41
And so I need to assume
that you've thought this through
00:17:14.44\00:17:18.63
and that you're ok with it.
00:17:18.66\00:17:20.19
And because I love you, I
going to be ok with it too.
00:17:20.22\00:17:23.41
So, there might be
some method to the madness.
00:17:23.44\00:17:26.58
Perhaps something is happening
that you don't know about.
00:17:26.61\00:17:28.82
So go with it, go with the flow.
00:17:29.22\00:17:31.54
The truth of the matter
is that fun is very important
00:17:31.57\00:17:34.38
in marriage, and unless we
get back to the place where
00:17:34.41\00:17:37.66
we are actually having
fun, we're going to start
00:17:37.69\00:17:39.48
asking ourselves, "Why
am I with this person?"
00:17:39.51\00:17:41.74
If nobody got
married to have a good fight,
00:17:41.77\00:17:45.44
people got married because they
enjoyed each other's company...
00:17:45.47\00:17:49.22
Just the other day, I
was speaking to a young man
00:17:49.25\00:17:51.51
who can't wait to get married.
00:17:51.54\00:17:53.15
He's getting married to a
woman who lives in Sweden.
00:17:53.18\00:17:56.13
And he is counting down
the days and perhaps the weeks.
00:17:56.16\00:18:01.31
And he can't wait.
00:18:01.34\00:18:02.62
After waiting so
long to get married and
00:18:02.65\00:18:06.40
all the anticipation, well the
least you could do is have fun
00:18:06.43\00:18:09.76
after you get married.
00:18:09.79\00:18:10.87
So we usually say to
people, once you get married,
00:18:11.07\00:18:14.79
keep doing the things
that you use to do before.
00:18:14.82\00:18:17.70
Enjoy each other's
company. Do fun things.
00:18:17.73\00:18:20.85
Because what makes it fun
in marriage is the fact that
00:18:20.88\00:18:23.40
you're involved
in doing fun things.
00:18:23.50\00:18:24.70
Invariably when we are
married for a year or two,
00:18:24.73\00:18:28.74
we start going into a
rut, and we need to be able
00:18:28.77\00:18:31.06
to get out of our ruts
so that we give attention
00:18:31.09\00:18:34.23
to our marriages in a way that
will enhance the relationship
00:18:34.26\00:18:38.33
and make us feel
that we're really living.
00:18:38.36\00:18:40.38
This is very, very important.
00:18:41.76\00:18:42.96
The whole priority that
we place on our relationship,
00:18:42.99\00:18:46.61
and the things that
are most important to us,
00:18:46.64\00:18:51.55
are the things that
we give priority to.
00:18:51.58\00:18:54.39
So, if our relationships
are important to us
00:18:54.42\00:18:57.69
then we've got
to give it priority.
00:18:57.72\00:18:59.45
So, it doesn't take much.
00:18:59.48\00:19:00.98
It doesn't have
to be something long.
00:19:01.01\00:19:03.01
One of the things that
we love to do is we love
00:19:03.04\00:19:05.40
to go for walks together.
00:19:05.43\00:19:07.16
And we will get up early in the
morning and take a long walk.
00:19:07.19\00:19:11.29
And those are just
such special times for me.
00:19:11.32\00:19:13.77
Because we get to
talk like friends do.
00:19:13.80\00:19:16.68
And we get to
spend that time together.
00:19:16.71\00:19:18.79
And sometimes they're 20
minute or 30 minute walks.
00:19:18.82\00:19:22.32
Sometimes
they're in the morning,
00:19:22.52\00:19:23.49
sometimes we do
it in the evenings.
00:19:23.51\00:19:25.93
So, it doesn't even have
to be something expensive.
00:19:25.96\00:19:28.51
Because I know a lot of times,
for some couples they say,
00:19:28.54\00:19:30.66
"Well, we don't
have the money. "
00:19:30.69\00:19:32.27
"We just don't have the
resources to do something fun. "
00:19:32.30\00:19:35.88
Everyone can find
something fun to do that's free.
00:19:35.91\00:19:39.54
It doesn't cost much to just
go for a ride in the car, or
00:19:39.57\00:19:43.28
take a walk in the park.
00:19:43.31\00:19:44.46
Or sit on the couch and
just chat together about
00:19:44.49\00:19:47.75
our lives and the
things that we enjoy doing.
00:19:47.78\00:19:50.52
There's something else
that we need to bring up at
00:19:50.82\00:19:52.22
at this juncture.
00:19:52.25\00:19:53.22
And that is to share with our
audience that one of the reasons
00:19:53.23\00:19:56.47
we have fun is not just
to have fun for fun sake.
00:19:56.50\00:19:59.61
But when you have
fun in the relationship,
00:19:59.64\00:20:02.32
then the
relationship is healthier.
00:20:02.35\00:20:04.80
And when the
relationship is healthier,
00:20:04.83\00:20:06.65
when you're having bad
times, you're more likely to
00:20:06.68\00:20:09.30
speak about the things
that are not going so well
00:20:09.33\00:20:11.98
because you're
having fun together.
00:20:12.01\00:20:13.67
If you're not having
fun together and you don't
00:20:13.70\00:20:16.28
trust each other, and there
are things that you're hiding,
00:20:16.31\00:20:19.48
it makes it more
difficult to talk about things
00:20:19.51\00:20:22.12
that are not going so well.
00:20:22.15\00:20:23.60
But if you're
having fun together,
00:20:23.63\00:20:25.57
that increases your likelihood
of talking about things
00:20:25.60\00:20:28.35
that are not going so well.
00:20:28.38\00:20:29.62
Which in turn, makes
your relationship more fun,
00:20:29.65\00:20:33.52
which in turn, makes
your opportunity to talk about
00:20:33.55\00:20:37.56
things that are not
going so well, heightened.
00:20:37.59\00:20:39.82
So the relationship is
much more healthy because
00:20:40.12\00:20:44.09
you don't allow
things to pile up.
00:20:44.39\00:20:46.29
You talk about them
because you're friends.
00:20:46.32\00:20:48.86
So, what you're saying is
that if I have fun with you,
00:20:49.68\00:20:54.57
then when I have
an issue to bring up
00:20:54.60\00:20:58.77
that's a difficult
issue, maybe something that's
00:20:58.80\00:21:01.32
causing disagreement or tension
or friction in our marriage,
00:21:01.35\00:21:05.81
if we've been having fun,
it's a little easier for you to
00:21:05.84\00:21:08.62
receive what I have to say?
00:21:08.65\00:21:10.67
Absolutely.
00:21:10.87\00:21:11.84
Because you're my
friend, and if you're my friend
00:21:11.85\00:21:14.18
and you're telling me,
"Well, we need to work on this",
00:21:14.21\00:21:16.97
but because we
have a relationship
00:21:17.00\00:21:19.22
and we have a good
relationship, it's much easier
00:21:19.25\00:21:22.23
to handle those
matters than if we didn't
00:21:22.26\00:21:24.21
have a good relationship.
00:21:24.24\00:21:25.60
That's why it's
important to have fun.
00:21:25.63\00:21:28.28
So how can we
share with other couples
00:21:28.69\00:21:31.95
how they can have fun together?
00:21:31.98\00:21:33.52
There are certain things that
couples can do to plan for fun.
00:21:33.55\00:21:39.40
For one, make a list
of things that you can do.
00:21:40.18\00:21:42.89
Invariably, we
talk to couples who say,
00:21:43.84\00:21:45.64
"Well, we're very
busy, we're working hard,
00:21:45.67\00:21:48.58
we're trying to make
it and we don't even know
00:21:48.61\00:21:50.64
what things we should do. "
00:21:50.67\00:21:51.64
And we say make a list of
fun things that you can do.
00:21:51.65\00:21:54.83
Those of you who
are watching right now,
00:21:54.86\00:21:56.87
take some paper out,
get a pencil or a pen,
00:21:56.90\00:21:59.36
and start writing about
fun things that you can do
00:21:59.39\00:22:01.65
with your mate.
00:22:01.68\00:22:02.65
Perhaps 10 things that
you can do with your mate.
00:22:02.66\00:22:06.36
Just come up with a list.
00:22:06.39\00:22:07.40
When your spouse
comes home, ask him or her
00:22:07.43\00:22:09.80
to make a list.
00:22:09.83\00:22:11.06
And then what?
00:22:11.09\00:22:12.52
Alright, what if you like
jogging and I like walking?
00:22:12.72\00:22:17.06
How do we balance that?
00:22:17.09\00:22:19.90
If there are things
that I think are fun
00:22:19.93\00:22:22.20
and there are things
that you think are fun,
00:22:22.23\00:22:24.20
and the two don't
necessarily jive, if you will.
00:22:24.23\00:22:28.08
What do we do?
00:22:28.11\00:22:29.35
We pick something
that you like to do
00:22:29.38\00:22:31.29
and we do that today.
00:22:31.32\00:22:33.18
And perhaps tomorrow
you can pick something that
00:22:33.21\00:22:34.97
I like to do and we do that.
00:22:35.00\00:22:36.87
So we learn to
compromise, right?
00:22:38.17\00:22:40.20
We learn how to
compromise our own autonomy.
00:22:40.23\00:22:43.73
And because you're my friend,
and now this is an even deeper
00:22:43.76\00:22:48.31
friendship because you're
my intimate ally, if you will,
00:22:48.34\00:22:51.77
I'm going to do something that
perhaps I'm not crazy about.
00:22:51.80\00:22:55.04
So I will do
something that you like,
00:22:55.07\00:22:58.84
you'll do something that I like,
and we can make a long list
00:22:58.87\00:23:02.05
of fun things that
we can do together.
00:23:02.08\00:23:03.57
Well, we have a life together.
00:23:03.60\00:23:05.52
We're not going anywhere because
we're committed to being with
00:23:05.55\00:23:08.02
each other for life.
00:23:08.05\00:23:09.10
So, it doesn't all have to be
done in one week or one month.
00:23:09.13\00:23:12.47
Or one year.
00:23:12.50\00:23:14.21
We have things that we could
do. We could plan then out.
00:23:14.24\00:23:17.53
What I'm going to ask is
pick three things off that list
00:23:17.56\00:23:20.35
that you've made,
pick three things.
00:23:20.38\00:23:22.23
And schedule when you
can do them with your spouse.
00:23:22.26\00:23:25.76
Next week, next month.
Put them in your schedule.
00:23:25.79\00:23:29.08
As you put them in your
schedule and as they come up,
00:23:29.11\00:23:31.63
share it with your
mate and let them know
00:23:31.66\00:23:34.07
that this is what we're going
to do on a particular night,
00:23:34.10\00:23:36.24
or a particular evening,
or a particular weekend,
00:23:36.27\00:23:38.80
and then go ahead and do it.
00:23:38.83\00:23:40.27
The thing is, you have
to plan for it to happen.
00:23:40.30\00:23:43.02
If you don't plan it,
it's not going to happen.
00:23:43.05\00:23:45.11
If you don't put
it on your calendar,
00:23:45.14\00:23:46.96
it's not going to happen.
00:23:46.99\00:23:47.96
What do we put on our calendars?
00:23:48.25\00:23:49.22
Things that are important to us.
00:23:49.23\00:23:52.81
So if we're
going to be having fun
00:23:52.84\00:23:54.44
as a married couple, it
needs to be important to us.
00:23:54.47\00:23:59.37
And when we give
it that importance,
00:23:59.40\00:24:01.41
then we really
communicate value to our mate.
00:24:01.44\00:24:04.99
I think another important
thing for couples to remember
00:24:06.42\00:24:09.31
is that not
everything that we enjoy doing,
00:24:09.34\00:24:12.70
our mate may want to do.
00:24:12.73\00:24:14.28
And I want to stress that,
and that's why I've been sort of
00:24:14.31\00:24:17.16
playing with that a little bit.
00:24:17.19\00:24:18.55
Because sometimes we
try to force our mate
00:24:18.58\00:24:22.23
to do something
that we want to do.
00:24:22.26\00:24:24.23
I love gardening and thank
God you enjoy gardening with me.
00:24:24.26\00:24:29.15
But let's say you
didn't enjoy gardening as much.
00:24:29.18\00:24:31.46
And actually there's
some parts of gardening
00:24:31.49\00:24:32.97
that you don't enjoy as much.
That is correct, that's right.
00:24:33.00\00:24:35.23
And do you know what I
have learned over the years?
00:24:35.26\00:24:37.27
That I accept the part
of gardening that you like.
00:24:37.77\00:24:41.24
And do you know what
was really exciting for me?
00:24:41.27\00:24:43.96
And I just want to
affirm you here about that is
00:24:43.99\00:24:47.17
that last fall when we
were doing our yard clean up
00:24:47.20\00:24:49.61
and we were
weeding and all of that,
00:24:49.64\00:24:51.21
we saw that our
mailbox needed to be painted.
00:24:51.24\00:24:53.56
And you came outside and
you said, "Well, I'll paint the
00:24:53.59\00:24:57.03
mailbox while you
do the other things. "
00:24:57.06\00:24:59.79
Now, at first I thought,
"Well, I really need help
00:24:59.82\00:25:03.26
with the weeding. "
00:25:03.29\00:25:04.57
But then it occurred to me,
if he's going to do the mailbox,
00:25:04.60\00:25:08.93
we're both outside together,
and we're doing a fun activity.
00:25:08.96\00:25:12.28
And remember at the end
of the day how proud we were?
00:25:12.31\00:25:15.93
We felt fulfilled
that we had worked together
00:25:16.33\00:25:19.25
to enhance our surroundings.
00:25:19.28\00:25:22.17
Outside of our home looked nice.
00:25:22.27\00:25:23.75
We had a garden, we had flowers.
00:25:23.78\00:25:25.13
And we had a
nice looking mailbox.
00:25:25.16\00:25:27.29
It was wonderful.
00:25:27.59\00:25:29.08
I want to really stress the
fact that there was a part of me
00:25:29.11\00:25:34.24
that wanted to be upset.
00:25:34.27\00:25:36.44
Because I don't want
anyone to get the impression
00:25:36.47\00:25:38.88
that this just
all works flawlessly.
00:25:38.91\00:25:41.43
But there was a part of
me that wanted to be upset,
00:25:41.46\00:25:43.55
because I wanted you to
do what I wanted you to do.
00:25:43.58\00:25:46.83
And then you came out
and you said, "I want to
00:25:47.13\00:25:49.13
spend time with you
outside, but I'd rather paint. "
00:25:49.16\00:25:52.11
And I had to make a
quick adjustment in my mind,
00:25:52.15\00:25:55.09
change my attitude a
little bit, and then say,
00:25:55.12\00:25:57.83
"Wow this is a great
thing. We're both outside,
00:25:57.86\00:26:00.23
we're both doing
something together as a team. "
00:26:00.26\00:26:02.79
And at the end of the
day we were both fulfilled.
00:26:02.82\00:26:04.97
And the mailbox
did need to be painted.
00:26:05.00\00:26:06.75
And actually we
needed to change it.
00:26:06.78\00:26:10.18
I went to Home Depot,
got a new one, bolted it on,
00:26:10.21\00:26:14.51
and all of a sudden, we
had a good looking front yard.
00:26:14.54\00:26:17.74
And it's
something we did together.
00:26:17.77\00:26:19.56
We had fun, we worked together.
00:26:19.59\00:26:21.78
We felt like we
were on the same team.
00:26:21.81\00:26:24.50
And we felt proud of it.
00:26:24.53\00:26:26.21
So that's what needs to happen.
00:26:26.24\00:26:27.64
There are
different ways of having fun.
00:26:27.67\00:26:29.61
So there is a deep reward
then of nurturing friendship
00:26:29.81\00:26:33.48
in our marriage relationship.
00:26:33.51\00:26:35.10
Ellen White says it
well in Adventist Home.
00:26:35.13\00:26:37.83
We see here that
God really wants us
00:26:53.53\00:26:54.87
to have a great
time in marriage.
00:26:54.90\00:26:56.68
He requires us to
have happiness and joy.
00:26:56.88\00:26:59.99
And even though
this stuff is difficult,
00:27:00.02\00:27:02.20
it's not very easy, we don't
always feel like being nice
00:27:02.23\00:27:05.98
and doing the right thing,
we have a promise of success
00:27:06.01\00:27:09.73
in the book of Philippians
4:13, the word of God tells us
00:27:09.76\00:27:14.08
"I can do all things through
Him who gives me strength. "
00:27:14.11\00:27:18.90
So when I'm not feeling so
well, and I'm not in the mood to
00:27:18.93\00:27:22.53
have fun, and yet I realize
that there's a need for fun
00:27:22.56\00:27:26.93
in our relationship,
I'm going to trust God.
00:27:26.96\00:27:29.51
And give my marriage
and put it in God's hands.
00:27:29.54\00:27:33.69
So that we can be
what He wants us to be.
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And that the world
around us will come to know Him
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because of our joy.
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God bless you.
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