Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000051
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith, an ordained Minister of the Gospel. 00:38 And I am June Smith, Alanzo's wife. 00:42 Today we are talking about Empowering Couples to Forgive. 00:48 But before we do this, won't you bow your heads as we pray. 00:53 Father, we thank You for this new day. 00:56 And for all the possibilities that await us. 00:59 We thank You for the blessings and for the Holy Spirit 01:04 that You have made available to forgive us. 01:07 We ask, Lord, that as we contemplate 01:11 the events of our lives, that You will help us to be willing 01:15 to forgive those who have hurt us. 01:16 In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. 01:21 Empowering couples to forgive. 01:25 Let me share with you two passages. 01:28 Mark 10:7-8 01:34 I invite you to read with me. 01:54 Ephesians 5:31 02:12 Both Paul and Mark are endorsing 02:16 what was already written in Genesis. 02:20 The notion of the power of the attachment 02:25 between the husband and the wife when they come together. 02:30 We're talking about relationships, 02:35 and the meaning of relationships, 02:39 and the power of the attachment. 02:42 Let me share with you a statement about the 02:46 meaning of relationships. 02:48 Would you read along with me? 03:11 So, if you have hurt your spouse or wronged your spouse, 03:20 or if you have done something that you need to ask 03:23 for forgiveness, there are two things that you need 03:28 to understand even before you proceed to ask 03:33 for that forgiveness. 03:34 Number 1, you need to understand the meaning 03:40 of the spiritual attachment that existed between both of you, 03:45 as Paul and Mark and the Genesis passage have been telling us. 03:53 You need to understand the spiritual attachment. 03:58 That is consistent with John Bowlby's attachment theory. 04:04 John Bowlby, a British Psychologist, talks about 04:08 attachment as an emotional investment. 04:14 When two people form a relationship, 04:17 it's not just the physical attraction that 04:20 brings them together. 04:21 Well, that's a part of what brings them together. 04:23 But once they come together, they become invested, 04:28 not just physically, but emotionally. 04:30 And that is a commitment that brings them 04:34 to a very deep level. 04:37 The second thing you need to understand, 04:41 even before you ask for forgiveness, 04:43 you need to understand the emotional pain that occurs 04:50 when that spiritual attachment is threatened or broken. 04:58 Now again, Bowlby talks about the attachment that occurs when 05:03 two people form a relationship. 05:05 And he likens that investment to a physical, 05:12 what he would refer to as an amputation, 05:15 when that is severed or that is broken. 05:18 So the point we're making is that when two people 05:22 form a relationship and one injures the other, 05:26 there is a physical response that occurs, 05:31 as well as an emotional response. 05:34 People hurt at a very physiological level. 05:39 Like anxiety, guilt, and self-reproach. 05:45 Would those be some of the ones you're talking about? 05:48 Absolutely, people feel that they have contributed, 05:53 or the individual who is hurting thinks that to a large extent, 05:57 they are responsible. 05:59 Even though the person who hurt them is more likely 06:03 the perpetrator of the injury. 06:05 The person who is hurt feels or takes responsibility 06:10 to a large extent, and so they do feel self-reproach. 06:14 They experience fatigue. 06:16 They experience helplessness and shock. 06:22 Sometimes they have nightmares. 06:24 They will sit and cry through the night. 06:27 Taking responsibility for something that was done to them. 06:31 Not giving responsibility to the person who caused the injury. 06:37 Sometimes they even withdraw socially from society, 06:41 from the world, from friends, from everyone 06:44 because they're hurting so much. 06:46 And that's what we're talking about. 06:48 If you hurt someone, you need to understand the degree 06:53 to which they are hurting. You need to understand the pain. 06:56 And social withdrawal is one of those manifestations. 07:00 So we're saying, the person who is asking for forgiveness, 07:04 in order to appreciate and value the forgiveness he receives, 07:11 or she receives, really needs to understand 07:15 the injury that occurred. 07:18 Precisely. 07:20 Let's go back to the word of God. 07:22 Because there's a story there in Matthew. 07:24 Matthew chapter 18, Peter went up to Jesus 07:29 and asked a poignant question. 07:31 Matthew 18:21 says he went to Jesus and he says, 07:36 "Lord, how often should my brother sin against me 07:42 and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" 07:46 Wow. 07:48 Notice Peters concern. 07:50 Peters concern was not a concern as to whether or not 07:55 he should forgive his brother. 07:58 Because Peter knows that there's no such thing 08:01 as an unforgiving Christian. 08:03 So his concern was not, "Should I forgive my brother?" 08:07 His concern was a concern of quantity. 08:12 "How often should I forgive my brother?" 08:18 So, Peter did not quite understand 08:20 the forgiveness process. 08:22 Exactly. 08:24 Especially in Peter's time, there were those rabbi's. 08:28 For example, Rabbi ben Sera, he taught that forgiving 08:33 a person two times is enough. 08:36 If they do it after that, you don't have to forgive them. 08:39 So no doubt, against that backdrop, Peter thought that 08:44 his seven times forgiveness was extremely generous. 08:48 So when we're hurt, and we are asking for forgiveness, 08:54 or we are forgiving, it is essential for us to understand 08:58 the process that is involved in forgiveness. 09:03 Exactly. 09:04 There are two things that we need to understand. 09:09 The first thing, we have to accept the reality, 09:15 accept your reality. 09:18 What has happened? That's your reality. 09:22 So, you have to accept the facts of the situation. 09:28 No matter how you try, there's nothing you can do 09:32 about what has happened. 09:34 So, don't distort the facts. Don't try to change it. 09:38 When you hear it, don't try to reframe it. 09:41 We spoke sometime before about reframing a situation. 09:45 Don't take your facts, don't take your reality 09:50 of the situation and try to reframe it. 09:53 Accept it as it is. 09:57 Another thing that is essential in accepting your reality is 10:00 understanding the meaning of that reality. 10:04 The reality is what it is. The facts are what they are. 10:08 But the meaning of that occurrence or incident 10:12 might be that you have to relocate from where you are. 10:17 It might mean you have to change schools. 10:21 It might mean you have to downsize. 10:23 The occurrence, the hurt, the injury has a meaning. 10:29 So as you prepare to forgive, it is essential for you to 10:33 understand the implications of that hurt. 10:36 And if you're going to accept the forgiveness 10:40 and say, "Yes I'm going to move on", 10:42 that's the reality. 10:44 Another thing that you will have to do is to 10:47 accept the fact that what has happened cannot be reversed. 10:53 We know the little nursery rhyme, 10:55 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and he had a great fall. 11:00 And all the kings horses and all the kings men 11:02 could not put Humpty Dumpty together again. 11:06 There are some things in life, once they have happened to you, 11:11 You cannot reverse the situation. 11:13 It makes no sense to spend the rest of your life 11:16 living it and going over it. 11:18 You have to get to the point where you accept it 11:21 and you move on. 11:23 So we're saying, one: accept the facts of the situation. 11:27 Two, accept the meaning of the situation. 11:30 And three, accept the irreversibility 11:33 of the situation. 11:35 Don't you think that it might be the 11:37 reason people have difficulty? 11:40 Many Christians accept that when you're hurt, 11:43 you need to forgive. 11:44 But many times, I talk to people and they say, 11:47 "Well, I forgive but I don't forget. " 11:49 And I think it could be that cognitively, 11:52 they haven't worked out these steps. 11:55 And so, spiritually and theologically, 11:58 they know they need to forgive. 11:59 But they haven't quite let go of all the meaning, 12:03 and the fact that it is irreversible, 12:05 or the details of what has happened or caused the injury. 12:09 And the concept of forgetting does not totally carry with it 12:14 erasing it from your memory. 12:17 Because there are certain things that happen to you in life 12:20 you will remember. 12:21 But when we say forgive and forget, 12:24 we mean forget the hurt, forget the pain. 12:26 So when you remember, you don't remember with malice. 12:30 You don't remember with hurt. 12:32 You remember but it doesn't mean anything. 12:34 Because you have forgiven, you have moved on. 12:38 You have gotten beyond that point. 12:41 And that's what the concept of forgetting means. 12:44 Not that the memory won't be there, but when you remember, 12:49 it won't be with malice. 12:51 Now in marriages and in families, many times 12:55 there is a lot of hurt to go around. 12:59 So the notion of forgiving is a constant. 13:05 Yes, we have to forgive. 13:07 We have to accept the reality. 13:11 And secondly, we have to work through the pain. 13:17 We're going to talk about that when we come back. 13:20 We're going to go into the question, 13:22 "Why should I forgive?" 13:24 So stay with us, we'll be right back. 13:26 We want you to hear the second part. 13:28 It's exciting. 13:30 You want to hear about it. 13:42 There are many "How To" books available. 13:44 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:47 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:49 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:53 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:56 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:59 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:17 Welcome back to our program Marriage In God's Hands. 14:21 We have been talking about Empowering Couples to Forgive. 14:26 Just before our break, we were discussing how you need 14:31 to understand the forgiveness process. 14:34 And the first thing we say is that you need to accept 14:38 the reality of forgiveness. 14:41 And secondly, you need to work through your pain. 14:47 You cannot hide from it. 14:49 There is a thing called geographic cure. 14:53 That is to say, individuals, in trying to find a cure 14:57 for their pain or for their situation, 14:59 they move from one location to another. 15:02 But still, whatever the issue is, it's not settled. 15:06 It's like running away from your pain. 15:08 You cannot. 15:10 We're saying you must work through 15:13 that forgiveness process. 15:16 Work through the pain. 15:18 So if you attempt to avoid or suppress the pain, 15:22 it only retards the forgiveness process, or the healing process. 15:30 Now you're looking at us. 15:34 You're listening and you're saying, 15:37 "You have described to us and explained to us that we need to 15:42 understand the whole essence of the forgiveness process. " 15:47 "But tell me something. Why?" 15:50 "Why should I forgive the person that hurt me so badly?" 15:55 "Why should I forgive for the pain and 15:59 all they have put me through?" 16:01 "Give me a logical reason why I should forgive that person. " 16:08 It's funny you say "logically" because it may not 16:11 necessarily be logical. 16:13 But that is what Christians do. 16:16 We forgive because we are required to forgive. 16:19 Now, one reason I can think that we should forgive, 16:22 is for what we call the remorse that we feel. 16:28 So in order to free ourselves from self-guilt, 16:33 we need to forgive. 16:36 As strange as it appears, when people hurt you or hurt us, 16:42 although they're the ones doing the hurting, 16:45 the injured person feels responsible on some level. 16:51 Sometimes they say things like, "What did I do 16:55 that allowed this to happen?" 16:56 "Maybe it's because I said this or did this. " 17:00 And it is true that in every conflict, 17:03 that happens between two people, on some level each person 17:08 contributes in some way. 17:10 But it still does not always explain the extent 17:13 to which the hurt occurs from the perpetrator. 17:17 So, the injured person is left with guilt 17:21 or is left with remorse. 17:22 And you want to forgive to free yourself from that 17:25 so you can move on. 17:28 I think that ties in beautifully with a concept, the notion of 17:33 forgiving for the peace of your own soul. 17:37 So if someone said to me, "Why should I forgive?" 17:41 I would look them in the eye and I would say, 17:43 "You should forgive for the peace of your own soul. " 17:47 When you forgive someone, 17:49 it's like a burden is lifted, removed. 17:54 It's like you start to enjoy the peace of Jesus Christ 17:58 within your own soul. 18:00 You can pray better. You can sing better. 18:05 You can worship better. 18:07 You can go to God and feel more confident 18:12 of that which you are asking Him for. 18:15 Because within your heart, within your soul, 18:18 there is peace. 18:20 And so, the forgiveness process must be based upon 18:24 not who the person is, but who you are. 18:27 You forgive for the peace of your own soul. 18:32 Another reason we forgive is because the past is the past. 18:36 What has happened has happened. 18:38 It's water, we say, under the bridge. 18:42 And to sit and dwell in the labyrinth of that experience 18:47 forever is non-productive. 18:50 So in order to move on, in order to get up and 18:54 put the pieces back together, you must forgive 18:58 or you should forgive. 19:00 As you talk about the past being the past, 19:04 do you know what it reminds me of? 19:06 It reminds me of an experience I had 19:10 early in my ministry as a young pastor. 19:13 I went to a church board to discuss a problem 19:19 between two feuding members. 19:21 And I was amazed when I asked how long 19:26 this problem was going on. 19:28 The lady who was making all this complaint and who was angry 19:34 and irate, she looked at me and she said, 19:37 "Pastor, I don't forget it sir. " 19:40 "I remember it as if it was tonight. " 19:44 "It happened 27 years ago, but I don't forget it. " 19:51 Unfortunately, some people carry grudges for a very long time. 19:56 I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been. 20:00 Can you imagine for all those years? 20:03 What constituted her prayer if she had such animus, 20:09 such pain, such hurt, such bitterness. 20:13 It's like carrying a wound that has not been healed. 20:17 And there are a lot of wounded people. 20:20 And please understand me. 20:23 I am not trying to minimize your hurt. 20:26 I'm not trying to minimize your pain. 20:29 I know that pain is real. I know that hurt is real. 20:34 Some of you listening right now, watching this program, 20:37 you might be crying because we're bringing back 20:42 what you have lived or what you are living. 20:47 I understand it. 20:49 But I'm saying to you, in the midst of that pain, 20:53 you have to find peace for your soul. 20:56 You can't carry it on forever. 20:59 You're dying slowly, when Jesus has the awesome power 21:04 to bring you peace and to give you rest. 21:07 It reminds me of a dentist who moved into an area. 21:14 And he had a beautiful home, white picket fence, 21:17 lovely green lawn. 21:19 But he had one problem in that neighborhood. 21:21 Some teens were riding their bikes across his lawn, 21:26 ruining his lawn. 21:27 Several times he called to the boys. 21:29 But they were always rude to him. 21:31 They would give all these sarcastic remarks. 21:33 And they would not stop riding their bike across the lawn. 21:37 So before long there was a track right across the beautiful lawn. 21:42 Well, one night he had retired to bed. 21:45 And he got a call. 21:48 It was from a desperate mother. 21:50 Her son was in need of care. 21:52 She said, "I have no money. Can you please help me?" 21:56 The doctor said, "Bring your son over. " 21:58 Would you believe me, to his amazement 22:01 when he looked at the boy that was sitting in his chair crying, 22:07 is was the same boy, the leader of the boys riding their bikes 22:11 across his lawn. 22:13 Wow, what a time to exact vengeance. 22:16 But what did he do? 22:17 As a good dentist, he sat there and he did his work 22:22 without money and without price. 22:24 That's awesome. 22:26 Isn't that what Jesus did for us? 22:30 Without money or without price? 22:33 Precisely. 22:35 And Isaiah tells us that. 22:37 Read with me, Isaiah 55:1. 23:01 This is the essence of true forgiveness. 23:05 So we're saying, we forgive because we want to 23:09 free ourselves from guilt and self remorse. 23:13 We forgive for the peace of our souls. 23:16 And we forgive because the past is the past. 23:22 Exactly. 23:23 To correct Peter's misunderstanding 23:28 of forgiveness, Jesus told this parable. 23:32 Do you remember that parable in the Bible 23:34 about the servant who owed his master? 23:37 The first one owed his master 10,000 talents. 23:43 And he went to his master and he said, 23:46 "Master, forgive me. " 23:49 "Give me some time and I will repay you. " 23:52 And the Bible says his master forgave him. 23:56 But no sooner than he got his forgiveness, 24:00 he went out and he saw someone who owned him 100 pence. 24:07 And he asked for his money. 24:09 And his fellow servant said, "Well if you could just give me 24:13 some time, I will pay you back. " 24:16 He said, "No, I need my money now. " 24:18 And his friend asked him, he said, "Please, 24:21 just give me some time. " 24:23 And Jesus said that man who just received forgiveness 24:27 of his 10,000 talents, he grabbed his fellow servant 24:32 by the throat and put him in prison for 100 pence. 24:40 Sometimes it seems that in families there are small deeds 24:47 that occur, that sometimes allow the injured person 24:51 to carry a grudge for a very long time. 24:56 As a matter of fact, Jesus had a message to Peter 25:01 in that story. 25:04 I can just imagine Jesus was saying to Peter, 25:09 "Peter, your transgressions and your sins before Me 25:17 is like a 10,000 dollar debt. " 25:21 "And you ask Me to forgive you. " 25:25 "And I forgive you of your 10,000 dollars. " 25:29 Let me just use dollars as a monetary unit. 25:33 Some people might not even understand talents. 25:36 And when you do the calculation, it's way beyond 10,000 dollars. 25:40 But let me just use that. 25:41 He says, "Peter, I forgave you of your 10,000 dollars. " 25:47 "Now your brother owes you 1 dollar. " 25:52 "And you're coming to ask Me, Peter, how often 25:57 should you forgive 1 dollar. " 26:01 So Jesus is saying, when we ask the question, 26:04 "how often", we have missed the point. 26:08 That's not the question. 26:09 The real question is, "Why should I forgive?" 26:13 Why should I forgive you? Why should you forgive me? 26:17 Why should we forgive one another? 26:19 And the bottom line is because Jesus Christ has forgiven us. 26:25 Isn't that awesome? 26:27 That's what forgiveness is all about. 26:29 So we're saying, in our marriages 26:31 and in our families, when injury occurs, 26:34 there are sometimes that it seems it is just something 26:40 we can't get over and we just can't forgive. 26:44 The reality is, regardless of what we feel, 26:49 we must forgive the person who has injured us 26:52 so that we can have peace in our souls, 26:56 so that we can free ourselves from guilt and self remorse. 27:00 And recognizing that what has happened is gone. 27:04 But more so, because Jesus has forgiven us. 27:10 And that's the most powerful thing. 27:12 And so, my friends, whatever your pain, 27:15 whatever your loss, whatever your injury, 27:18 whatever it is, 27:20 remember, we have a friend. 27:23 One who understands, One who sympathizes, 27:27 One who loves us. 27:28 Enough that He went to Calvary's cross. 27:30 And He's saying, "I'll be with you. " 27:33 "I'll carry you through your pain. " 27:35 "But I want you to free yourself of that pain 27:39 by letting go, by forgiving. " 27:42 May God grant you the power and the courage to forgive. |
Revised 2014-12-17