Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith, an
ordained Minister of the Gospel.
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And I am June
Smith, Alanzo's wife.
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Today we are talking about
Empowering Couples to Forgive.
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But before we do this, won't
you bow your heads as we pray.
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Father, we thank
You for this new day.
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And for all the
possibilities that await us.
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We thank You for the blessings
and for the Holy Spirit
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that You have made
available to forgive us.
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We ask, Lord,
that as we contemplate
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the events of our lives, that
You will help us to be willing
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to forgive those
who have hurt us.
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In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.
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Empowering couples to forgive.
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Let me share
with you two passages.
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Mark 10:7-8
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I invite you to read with me.
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Ephesians 5:31
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Both Paul and Mark are endorsing
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what was already
written in Genesis.
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The notion of the
power of the attachment
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between the husband and the
wife when they come together.
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We're talking
about relationships,
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and the meaning
of relationships,
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and the power of the attachment.
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Let me share with
you a statement about the
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meaning of relationships.
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Would you read along with me?
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So, if you have hurt your
spouse or wronged your spouse,
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or if you have done
something that you need to ask
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for forgiveness, there
are two things that you need
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to understand even
before you proceed to ask
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for that forgiveness.
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Number 1, you need to
understand the meaning
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of the spiritual attachment that
existed between both of you,
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as Paul and Mark and the Genesis
passage have been telling us.
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You need to understand
the spiritual attachment.
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That is consistent with
John Bowlby's attachment theory.
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John Bowlby, a British
Psychologist, talks about
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attachment as an
emotional investment.
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When two people
form a relationship,
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it's not just the
physical attraction that
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brings them together.
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Well, that's a part of
what brings them together.
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But once they come
together, they become invested,
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not just
physically, but emotionally.
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And that is a
commitment that brings them
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to a very deep level.
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The second thing
you need to understand,
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even before you
ask for forgiveness,
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you need to understand
the emotional pain that occurs
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when that spiritual attachment
is threatened or broken.
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Now again, Bowlby talks about
the attachment that occurs when
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two people form a relationship.
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And he likens that
investment to a physical,
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what he would refer
to as an amputation,
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when that is
severed or that is broken.
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So the point we're
making is that when two people
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form a relationship
and one injures the other,
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there is a physical
response that occurs,
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as well as an
emotional response.
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People hurt at a
very physiological level.
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Like anxiety,
guilt, and self-reproach.
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Would those be some of
the ones you're talking about?
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Absolutely, people feel
that they have contributed,
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or the individual who is hurting
thinks that to a large extent,
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they are responsible.
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Even though the person
who hurt them is more likely
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the perpetrator of the injury.
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The person who is hurt
feels or takes responsibility
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to a large extent, and so
they do feel self-reproach.
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They experience fatigue.
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They experience
helplessness and shock.
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Sometimes they have nightmares.
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They will sit and
cry through the night.
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Taking responsibility for
something that was done to them.
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Not giving responsibility to the
person who caused the injury.
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Sometimes they even
withdraw socially from society,
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from the world, from
friends, from everyone
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because they're hurting so much.
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And that's what
we're talking about.
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If you hurt someone, you
need to understand the degree
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to which they are hurting.
You need to understand the pain.
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And social withdrawal is
one of those manifestations.
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So we're saying, the person
who is asking for forgiveness,
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in order to appreciate and value
the forgiveness he receives,
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or she receives,
really needs to understand
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the injury that occurred.
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Precisely.
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Let's go back
to the word of God.
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Because there's a
story there in Matthew.
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Matthew chapter 18,
Peter went up to Jesus
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and asked a poignant question.
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Matthew 18:21 says he
went to Jesus and he says,
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"Lord, how often should
my brother sin against me
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and I forgive him?
Up to seven times?"
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Wow.
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Notice Peters concern.
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Peters concern was not a
concern as to whether or not
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he should forgive his brother.
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Because Peter knows
that there's no such thing
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as an unforgiving Christian.
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So his concern was not,
"Should I forgive my brother?"
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His concern was a
concern of quantity.
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"How often should I
forgive my brother?"
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So, Peter did
not quite understand
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the forgiveness process.
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Exactly.
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Especially in Peter's
time, there were those rabbi's.
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For example, Rabbi ben
Sera, he taught that forgiving
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a person two times is enough.
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If they do it after that,
you don't have to forgive them.
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So no doubt, against that
backdrop, Peter thought that
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his seven times forgiveness
was extremely generous.
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So when we're hurt, and we
are asking for forgiveness,
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or we are forgiving, it is
essential for us to understand
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the process that is
involved in forgiveness.
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Exactly.
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There are two things
that we need to understand.
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The first thing, we
have to accept the reality,
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accept your reality.
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What has happened?
That's your reality.
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So, you have to accept
the facts of the situation.
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No matter how you try,
there's nothing you can do
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about what has happened.
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So, don't distort the
facts. Don't try to change it.
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When you hear it,
don't try to reframe it.
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We spoke sometime before
about reframing a situation.
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Don't take your facts,
don't take your reality
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of the situation
and try to reframe it.
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Accept it as it is.
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Another thing that is essential
in accepting your reality is
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understanding the
meaning of that reality.
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The reality is what it is.
The facts are what they are.
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But the meaning of
that occurrence or incident
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might be that you have to
relocate from where you are.
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It might mean you
have to change schools.
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It might mean
you have to downsize.
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The occurrence, the
hurt, the injury has a meaning.
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So as you prepare to forgive,
it is essential for you to
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understand the
implications of that hurt.
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And if you're going
to accept the forgiveness
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and say, "Yes I'm
going to move on",
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that's the reality.
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Another thing that
you will have to do is to
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accept the fact that what
has happened cannot be reversed.
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We know the
little nursery rhyme,
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a
wall and he had a great fall.
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And all the kings
horses and all the kings men
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could not put Humpty
Dumpty together again.
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There are some things in life,
once they have happened to you,
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You cannot
reverse the situation.
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It makes no sense to
spend the rest of your life
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living it and going over it.
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You have to get to the
point where you accept it
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and you move on.
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So we're saying, one: accept
the facts of the situation.
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Two, accept the
meaning of the situation.
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And three, accept
the irreversibility
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of the situation.
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Don't you think
that it might be the
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reason people have difficulty?
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Many Christians
accept that when you're hurt,
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you need to forgive.
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But many times, I talk
to people and they say,
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"Well, I forgive
but I don't forget. "
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And I think it
could be that cognitively,
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they haven't
worked out these steps.
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And so,
spiritually and theologically,
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they know they need to forgive.
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But they haven't quite
let go of all the meaning,
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and the fact that
it is irreversible,
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or the details of what has
happened or caused the injury.
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And the concept of forgetting
does not totally carry with it
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erasing it from your memory.
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Because there are certain things
that happen to you in life
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you will remember.
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But when we say
forgive and forget,
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we mean forget the
hurt, forget the pain.
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So when you remember, you
don't remember with malice.
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You don't remember with hurt.
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You remember but it
doesn't mean anything.
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Because you have
forgiven, you have moved on.
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You have gotten
beyond that point.
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And that's what the
concept of forgetting means.
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Not that the memory won't be
there, but when you remember,
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it won't be with malice.
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Now in marriages and
in families, many times
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there is a lot of
hurt to go around.
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So the notion of
forgiving is a constant.
00:12:59.35\00:13:04.02
Yes, we have to forgive.
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We have to accept the reality.
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And secondly, we have
to work through the pain.
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We're going to talk
about that when we come back.
00:13:17.72\00:13:20.62
We're going to go
into the question,
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"Why should I forgive?"
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So stay with us,
we'll be right back.
00:13:24.17\00:13:26.73
We want you to
hear the second part.
00:13:26.76\00:13:28.74
It's exciting.
00:13:28.77\00:13:30.34
You want to hear about it.
00:13:30.37\00:13:31.69
There are many "How
To" books available.
00:13:42.20\00:13:44.23
But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:44.26\00:13:47.34
How You Can
Build A Better Marriage
00:13:47.37\00:13:49.77
Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:49.80\00:13:53.83
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:53.86\00:13:56.65
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:13:56.68\00:13:59.45
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:59.48\00:14:01.28
Welcome back to our
program Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:17.60\00:14:21.93
We have been talking about
Empowering Couples to Forgive.
00:14:21.96\00:14:26.68
Just before our break, we
were discussing how you need
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to understand the
forgiveness process.
00:14:31.47\00:14:34.75
And the first thing we
say is that you need to accept
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the reality of forgiveness.
00:14:38.53\00:14:41.31
And secondly, you need
to work through your pain.
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You cannot hide from it.
00:14:47.13\00:14:49.23
There is a thing
called geographic cure.
00:14:49.26\00:14:53.51
That is to say, individuals,
in trying to find a cure
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for their pain or
for their situation,
00:14:57.32\00:14:59.73
they move from one
location to another.
00:14:59.76\00:15:02.90
But still, whatever the
issue is, it's not settled.
00:15:02.93\00:15:06.47
It's like running
away from your pain.
00:15:06.50\00:15:08.67
You cannot.
00:15:08.70\00:15:10.18
We're saying you
must work through
00:15:10.21\00:15:13.75
that forgiveness process.
00:15:13.78\00:15:16.35
Work through the pain.
00:15:16.38\00:15:17.72
So if you attempt to
avoid or suppress the pain,
00:15:18.22\00:15:22.91
it only retards the forgiveness
process, or the healing process.
00:15:22.94\00:15:28.99
Now you're looking at us.
00:15:30.90\00:15:34.86
You're listening
and you're saying,
00:15:34.89\00:15:37.45
"You have described to us and
explained to us that we need to
00:15:37.48\00:15:42.65
understand the whole essence
of the forgiveness process. "
00:15:42.68\00:15:47.44
"But tell me something. Why?"
00:15:47.47\00:15:50.93
"Why should I forgive the
person that hurt me so badly?"
00:15:50.96\00:15:55.66
"Why should I
forgive for the pain and
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all they have put me through?"
00:15:59.85\00:16:01.58
"Give me a logical reason why
I should forgive that person. "
00:16:01.61\00:16:07.98
It's funny you say
"logically" because it may not
00:16:08.67\00:16:11.16
necessarily be logical.
00:16:11.19\00:16:12.70
But that is what Christians do.
00:16:13.20\00:16:16.19
We forgive because we
are required to forgive.
00:16:16.22\00:16:19.08
Now, one reason I can
think that we should forgive,
00:16:19.11\00:16:22.70
is for what we call
the remorse that we feel.
00:16:22.73\00:16:28.72
So in order to free
ourselves from self-guilt,
00:16:28.75\00:16:33.08
we need to forgive.
00:16:33.11\00:16:36.35
As strange as it appears,
when people hurt you or hurt us,
00:16:36.38\00:16:42.01
although they're the
ones doing the hurting,
00:16:42.04\00:16:45.42
the injured person feels
responsible on some level.
00:16:45.45\00:16:51.36
Sometimes they say
things like, "What did I do
00:16:51.56\00:16:55.59
that allowed this to happen?"
00:16:55.62\00:16:56.96
"Maybe it's because I
said this or did this. "
00:16:56.99\00:17:00.20
And it is true
that in every conflict,
00:17:00.23\00:17:03.16
that happens between two people,
on some level each person
00:17:03.19\00:17:08.64
contributes in some way.
00:17:08.67\00:17:10.53
But it still does not
always explain the extent
00:17:10.56\00:17:13.80
to which the hurt
occurs from the perpetrator.
00:17:13.83\00:17:17.42
So, the injured
person is left with guilt
00:17:17.45\00:17:21.03
or is left with remorse.
00:17:21.06\00:17:22.40
And you want to forgive
to free yourself from that
00:17:22.43\00:17:25.87
so you can move on.
00:17:25.90\00:17:27.27
I think that ties in beautifully
with a concept, the notion of
00:17:28.31\00:17:33.08
forgiving for the
peace of your own soul.
00:17:33.11\00:17:37.27
So if someone said to
me, "Why should I forgive?"
00:17:37.30\00:17:41.01
I would look them in
the eye and I would say,
00:17:41.04\00:17:43.45
"You should forgive for
the peace of your own soul. "
00:17:43.48\00:17:47.56
When you forgive someone,
00:17:47.59\00:17:49.24
it's like a burden
is lifted, removed.
00:17:49.27\00:17:54.52
It's like you start to
enjoy the peace of Jesus Christ
00:17:54.55\00:17:58.63
within your own soul.
00:17:58.66\00:18:00.57
You can pray
better. You can sing better.
00:18:00.60\00:18:05.17
You can worship better.
00:18:05.20\00:18:07.36
You can go to God
and feel more confident
00:18:07.39\00:18:12.31
of that which you
are asking Him for.
00:18:12.34\00:18:15.21
Because within your
heart, within your soul,
00:18:15.24\00:18:18.38
there is peace.
00:18:18.41\00:18:20.59
And so, the forgiveness
process must be based upon
00:18:20.62\00:18:24.29
not who the person
is, but who you are.
00:18:24.32\00:18:27.71
You forgive for the
peace of your own soul.
00:18:27.74\00:18:31.68
Another reason we forgive is
because the past is the past.
00:18:32.28\00:18:36.87
What has happened has happened.
00:18:36.90\00:18:38.92
It's water, we
say, under the bridge.
00:18:38.95\00:18:42.83
And to sit and dwell in the
labyrinth of that experience
00:18:42.86\00:18:47.87
forever is non-productive.
00:18:47.90\00:18:50.64
So in order to move
on, in order to get up and
00:18:50.67\00:18:54.02
put the pieces back
together, you must forgive
00:18:54.05\00:18:57.99
or you should forgive.
00:18:58.02\00:18:59.66
As you talk about
the past being the past,
00:19:00.93\00:19:04.78
do you know what
it reminds me of?
00:19:04.81\00:19:06.78
It reminds me of
an experience I had
00:19:06.81\00:19:10.24
early in my
ministry as a young pastor.
00:19:10.27\00:19:13.70
I went to a church
board to discuss a problem
00:19:13.73\00:19:19.14
between two feuding members.
00:19:19.17\00:19:20.97
And I was amazed
when I asked how long
00:19:21.00\00:19:26.01
this problem was going on.
00:19:26.04\00:19:28.68
The lady who was making all
this complaint and who was angry
00:19:28.71\00:19:34.64
and irate, she
looked at me and she said,
00:19:34.67\00:19:37.58
"Pastor, I
don't forget it sir. "
00:19:37.61\00:19:40.76
"I remember it as
if it was tonight. "
00:19:40.79\00:19:43.97
"It happened 27 years
ago, but I don't forget it. "
00:19:44.00\00:19:50.37
Unfortunately, some people carry
grudges for a very long time.
00:19:51.29\00:19:56.45
I can't even imagine how
difficult that must have been.
00:19:56.48\00:19:59.51
Can you imagine
for all those years?
00:20:00.41\00:20:03.27
What constituted her
prayer if she had such animus,
00:20:03.77\00:20:09.33
such pain, such
hurt, such bitterness.
00:20:09.36\00:20:13.09
It's like carrying a
wound that has not been healed.
00:20:13.12\00:20:17.80
And there are a
lot of wounded people.
00:20:17.83\00:20:20.53
And please understand me.
00:20:20.56\00:20:23.32
I am not trying to
minimize your hurt.
00:20:23.35\00:20:26.92
I'm not trying to
minimize your pain.
00:20:26.95\00:20:29.93
I know that pain is
real. I know that hurt is real.
00:20:29.96\00:20:34.73
Some of you listening right
now, watching this program,
00:20:34.76\00:20:37.77
you might be crying
because we're bringing back
00:20:37.80\00:20:42.18
what you have lived
or what you are living.
00:20:42.21\00:20:47.02
I understand it.
00:20:47.05\00:20:49.14
But I'm saying to you,
in the midst of that pain,
00:20:49.17\00:20:53.22
you have to find
peace for your soul.
00:20:53.25\00:20:56.76
You can't carry it on forever.
00:20:56.79\00:20:59.26
You're dying slowly, when
Jesus has the awesome power
00:20:59.29\00:21:04.17
to bring you peace
and to give you rest.
00:21:04.20\00:21:07.22
It reminds me of a
dentist who moved into an area.
00:21:07.25\00:21:12.64
And he had a beautiful
home, white picket fence,
00:21:14.25\00:21:17.11
lovely green lawn.
00:21:17.14\00:21:19.11
But he had one
problem in that neighborhood.
00:21:19.14\00:21:21.88
Some teens were riding
their bikes across his lawn,
00:21:21.91\00:21:26.01
ruining his lawn.
00:21:26.04\00:21:27.24
Several times he
called to the boys.
00:21:27.27\00:21:29.75
But they were
always rude to him.
00:21:29.78\00:21:31.46
They would give all
these sarcastic remarks.
00:21:31.49\00:21:33.87
And they would not stop riding
their bike across the lawn.
00:21:33.90\00:21:37.75
So before long there was a track
right across the beautiful lawn.
00:21:37.78\00:21:42.64
Well, one night he
had retired to bed.
00:21:42.67\00:21:45.64
And he got a call.
00:21:45.67\00:21:48.51
It was from a desperate mother.
00:21:48.54\00:21:50.56
Her son was in need of care.
00:21:50.59\00:21:52.58
She said, "I have no
money. Can you please help me?"
00:21:52.61\00:21:56.19
The doctor said,
"Bring your son over. "
00:21:56.22\00:21:58.42
Would you believe
me, to his amazement
00:21:58.45\00:22:01.70
when he looked at the boy that
was sitting in his chair crying,
00:22:01.73\00:22:07.05
is was the same boy, the leader
of the boys riding their bikes
00:22:07.08\00:22:11.74
across his lawn.
00:22:11.77\00:22:13.00
Wow, what a time
to exact vengeance.
00:22:13.03\00:22:16.31
But what did he do?
00:22:16.34\00:22:17.63
As a good dentist, he
sat there and he did his work
00:22:17.66\00:22:22.16
without money and without price.
00:22:22.19\00:22:24.84
That's awesome.
00:22:24.94\00:22:26.74
Isn't that what
Jesus did for us?
00:22:26.77\00:22:29.73
Without money or without price?
00:22:30.67\00:22:33.59
Precisely.
00:22:33.79\00:22:34.76
And Isaiah tells us that.
00:22:35.89\00:22:37.65
Read with me, Isaiah 55:1.
00:22:37.68\00:22:41.74
This is the essence
of true forgiveness.
00:23:01.99\00:23:05.82
So we're saying, we
forgive because we want to
00:23:05.85\00:23:09.25
free ourselves from
guilt and self remorse.
00:23:09.28\00:23:13.21
We forgive for the
peace of our souls.
00:23:13.24\00:23:16.58
And we forgive
because the past is the past.
00:23:16.79\00:23:21.50
Exactly.
00:23:22.17\00:23:23.32
To correct
Peter's misunderstanding
00:23:23.35\00:23:28.25
of forgiveness,
Jesus told this parable.
00:23:28.28\00:23:32.73
Do you remember
that parable in the Bible
00:23:32.76\00:23:34.60
about the servant
who owed his master?
00:23:34.63\00:23:37.67
The first one owed
his master 10,000 talents.
00:23:37.70\00:23:43.16
And he went to his
master and he said,
00:23:43.19\00:23:46.66
"Master, forgive me. "
00:23:46.69\00:23:49.59
"Give me some time
and I will repay you. "
00:23:49.62\00:23:52.27
And the Bible says
his master forgave him.
00:23:52.30\00:23:56.46
But no sooner than
he got his forgiveness,
00:23:56.49\00:24:00.80
he went out and he saw
someone who owned him 100 pence.
00:24:00.83\00:24:07.13
And he asked for his money.
00:24:07.16\00:24:09.13
And his fellow servant said,
"Well if you could just give me
00:24:09.16\00:24:13.45
some time, I
will pay you back. "
00:24:13.48\00:24:16.18
He said, "No, I
need my money now. "
00:24:16.21\00:24:18.12
And his friend asked
him, he said, "Please,
00:24:18.15\00:24:21.55
just give me some time. "
00:24:21.58\00:24:23.06
And Jesus said that man
who just received forgiveness
00:24:23.09\00:24:27.40
of his 10,000 talents, he
grabbed his fellow servant
00:24:27.43\00:24:32.18
by the throat and put
him in prison for 100 pence.
00:24:32.21\00:24:39.18
Sometimes it seems that in
families there are small deeds
00:24:40.82\00:24:47.11
that occur, that sometimes
allow the injured person
00:24:47.14\00:24:51.62
to carry a grudge
for a very long time.
00:24:51.65\00:24:55.22
As a matter of fact,
Jesus had a message to Peter
00:24:56.57\00:25:01.60
in that story.
00:25:01.63\00:25:02.80
I can just imagine
Jesus was saying to Peter,
00:25:04.94\00:25:09.30
"Peter, your transgressions
and your sins before Me
00:25:09.33\00:25:17.00
is like a 10,000 dollar debt. "
00:25:17.03\00:25:21.83
"And you ask Me
to forgive you. "
00:25:21.86\00:25:25.83
"And I forgive you of
your 10,000 dollars. "
00:25:25.86\00:25:29.89
Let me just use
dollars as a monetary unit.
00:25:29.92\00:25:33.07
Some people might not
even understand talents.
00:25:33.10\00:25:36.29
And when you do the calculation,
it's way beyond 10,000 dollars.
00:25:36.32\00:25:40.27
But let me just use that.
00:25:40.30\00:25:41.45
He says, "Peter, I forgave
you of your 10,000 dollars. "
00:25:41.85\00:25:47.55
"Now your brother
owes you 1 dollar. "
00:25:47.58\00:25:52.17
"And you're coming to
ask Me, Peter, how often
00:25:52.20\00:25:57.22
should you forgive 1 dollar. "
00:25:57.26\00:25:59.71
So Jesus is saying,
when we ask the question,
00:26:01.27\00:26:04.95
"how often", we
have missed the point.
00:26:04.98\00:26:08.28
That's not the question.
00:26:08.31\00:26:09.70
The real question is,
"Why should I forgive?"
00:26:09.73\00:26:13.28
Why should I forgive you?
Why should you forgive me?
00:26:13.31\00:26:16.64
Why should we
forgive one another?
00:26:17.24\00:26:19.43
And the bottom line is because
Jesus Christ has forgiven us.
00:26:19.46\00:26:25.55
Isn't that awesome?
00:26:25.58\00:26:27.11
That's what
forgiveness is all about.
00:26:27.14\00:26:29.58
So we're
saying, in our marriages
00:26:29.61\00:26:31.53
and in our
families, when injury occurs,
00:26:31.56\00:26:34.70
there are sometimes that
it seems it is just something
00:26:34.73\00:26:40.74
we can't get over and
we just can't forgive.
00:26:40.77\00:26:44.11
The reality is,
regardless of what we feel,
00:26:44.14\00:26:49.05
we must forgive the
person who has injured us
00:26:49.08\00:26:52.78
so that we can
have peace in our souls,
00:26:52.81\00:26:56.14
so that we can free ourselves
from guilt and self remorse.
00:26:56.17\00:27:00.63
And recognizing that
what has happened is gone.
00:27:00.66\00:27:04.92
But more so, because
Jesus has forgiven us.
00:27:04.95\00:27:10.00
And that's the
most powerful thing.
00:27:10.90\00:27:12.47
And so, my
friends, whatever your pain,
00:27:12.50\00:27:15.93
whatever your loss,
whatever your injury,
00:27:15.96\00:27:18.76
whatever it is,
00:27:18.79\00:27:20.83
remember, we have a friend.
00:27:20.86\00:27:23.45
One who understands,
One who sympathizes,
00:27:23.48\00:27:27.08
One who loves us.
00:27:27.11\00:27:28.61
Enough that He
went to Calvary's cross.
00:27:28.64\00:27:30.78
And He's saying,
"I'll be with you. "
00:27:30.81\00:27:32.97
"I'll carry you
through your pain. "
00:27:33.00\00:27:35.73
"But I want you to
free yourself of that pain
00:27:35.76\00:27:39.68
by letting go, by forgiving. "
00:27:39.71\00:27:42.01
May God grant you the power
and the courage to forgive.
00:27:42.04\00:27:45.98