Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000050
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I am Alanzo Smith, the host of this program. 00:36 I'm June Smith. 00:39 And today we are going to talk about, 00:42 Families in Crisis. 00:45 But before we do so, we invite you to pray with us. 00:49 Our Heavenly Father, we thank You for Your mercies, 00:53 and for Your grace. 00:55 We recognize that sometimes our families are in crisis. 00:59 And Lord, we need You. 01:01 We ask that You'd bless us as we go through this discussion. 01:04 In Jesus' name, Amen. Amen. 01:09 We're going to start out by going to the story of Lazarus. 01:14 Indeed, that was a family in crisis. 01:18 It's recorded in John chapter 11. 01:22 When Lazarus took sick, his sisters sent messengers 01:27 unto Jesus and they said something like this, 01:30 "Lord, he whom Thou loveth is sick. " 01:35 And according to Ellen White and the Bible, 01:39 Jesus did or said nothing in three days. 01:44 Three days passed and He said nothing about it. 01:47 But after Lazarus' death, Jesus turned to the disciples 01:53 and He said, "Our friend Lazarus is sleeping" 01:57 describing death as asleep. 02:00 The disciples understood to some extent, but 02:03 they responded, "Well Lord, if he's sleeping he's doing well. " 02:09 It was like a denial of the reality. 02:14 And when Jesus realized that they were denying the reality 02:19 of what the situation was, He turned to them 02:22 and He said plainly, "Lazarus is dead. " 02:26 In other words, he's not sleeping as you think. 02:29 He is dead. 02:31 I want to focus on the response of the disciples. 02:37 Because it seems as if that's an act of denial. 02:41 I remember Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the first act 02:46 an individual demonstrates when there's a crisis. 02:50 Why do people deny when they're faced with a crisis? 02:56 Denial is what is referred to as a defense mechanism. 03:00 When one hears sad news, it could be perceived as a shock. 03:08 And that could throw you 03:11 in an emotional state of disequilibrium. 03:13 So what tends to happen is, the way God has designed us, 03:18 psychologically we say, "No this isn't happening. " 03:22 And it gives us time to absorb the shock. 03:26 So, there are several factors then 03:31 that influences your stability to face crisis. 03:37 Let us explore some of them with you. 03:41 For example, your emotional stability, your emotional state, 03:49 how secure you are as an individual will determine 03:55 how you can face the challenge of a crisis. 04:01 Another is what we call the severity of the event. 04:04 We live in New York City and I remember very well 04:08 the incident of 9/11. 04:11 And it was such a colossal problem that everyone 04:16 in New York, and I would dare say around the world, 04:19 in some way or form was affected. 04:24 So when you have a severe incident, the response will be 04:29 very different from maybe a local, 04:31 or even an issue that is personal. 04:36 Another factor that influences one's ability to respond 04:40 to a crisis is the proximity of the issue, 04:45 the proximity of the event. 04:47 For example, even though 9/11 affected just about everybody 04:52 around the world, we who were living in New York, 04:56 we were affected more than, say individuals 05:01 living out in California. 05:03 In the context of, we were so close to the event 05:06 I can remember vividly, I was standing there in my living room 05:10 when I watched that plane. 05:12 And then when I had to visit ground zero and 05:14 go down there and be a part of that process, 05:17 that made the crisis more painful. 05:22 So the proximity determines how we are able to handle. 05:27 And of course, people who were even within closer proximity, 05:31 in Manhattan itself, had a different response. 05:35 They were physically impacted and had to be responded to. 05:39 Now, the level of support that one has, that a family has 05:43 when they're going through a crisis, 05:45 will also influence their response. 05:47 So there's a larger network of family and friends 05:51 that can fall in place and help to pick up some of the pieces 05:54 that allows an individual to deal with the crisis 05:57 a lot differently from somebody who might be isolated from 06:00 family or friends. 06:02 And you're problem solving skills. 06:06 There are some individuals who are able to 06:08 face a problem, handle it, and work towards a solution. 06:14 There are others who run away from their problems. 06:17 They run away from their fears. 06:18 The way we find ourselves dealing with issues, 06:25 how we address problems, determine how we are able to 06:30 manage them in the long run. 06:32 Add this to our personal characteristics, 06:35 there are some people who are, what we could identify as 06:39 panic stricken. 06:41 The slightest situation throws them into disequilibrium. 06:45 And there are other people who go through challenges 06:49 frequently and learn how survive. 06:53 And so, again, your personal traits, in a sense that 06:58 you are somebody who is willing to stand up to 07:00 the stress and challenges of life, 07:02 will be handled very differently than somebody who is 07:05 very weak and emotionally fragile. 07:09 So, when you are going through a crisis, 07:12 here are some of the characteristics that you 07:15 generally exhibit. 07:17 First of all is what we call shock. 07:20 It's like, "Oh my God. " 07:23 Or you say, "Wow, how am I going to manage?" 07:28 And you just loose all sense of reality 07:32 because you are so shocked, 07:33 because of the severity of the issue. 07:36 Or you get really numb. 07:37 It's almost like you're frozen in time. 07:40 Because you just can't believe that this 07:42 horrific experience has occurred. 07:46 Let me take you back to the passage we were talking about, 07:48 the Mary and Martha situation with the death of Lazarus. 07:52 And show you the emotional response of these two sisters. 08:00 In verse 21 of the passage, when Martha saw Jesus coming 08:07 she went to him and she said, "Lord, if thou hast been here 08:13 my brother would not have died. " 08:16 She was shocked from the incident. 08:20 She was numb because of the sudden loss of her brother. 08:24 But the irony about it all, what happened here is that 08:28 her sister Mary made a similar response, as if to say that 08:33 the two sisters had planned it. 08:34 Because when you go to verse 32, 08:36 she says the same thing when she saw Jesus. 08:39 In verse 32 she says, "Lord, if thou hast been here 08:43 my brother would not have died. " 08:46 So we're talking about the emotional response 08:49 that one gives to a crisis. 08:51 It's shocking, it's painful, it's there. 08:56 Now we've been talking about the family's response to a crisis. 09:00 And we're saying there are emotional responses. 09:04 And now we're looking at cognitive responses. 09:07 There are times when one goes through a crisis that 09:11 cognitively, you just get confused. 09:14 You lose concentration. 09:16 You sometimes blame yourself that there's something 09:19 you could have done differently. 09:20 Or that you should have done to prevent the situation. 09:24 You begin to become irrational in the way you perceive 09:28 your realities here and the future that's ahead of you. 09:33 You sometimes have what we call impaired judgment. 09:38 Let's go back to our story and show an example 09:42 of an impaired judgment. 09:44 Verse 23 of the same passage we're looking on, 09:48 John 11, the story of Lazarus. 09:51 In verse 23, Jesus said to Martha, 09:56 "Thy brother shall rise again. " 10:01 That's an assurance. 10:02 "Thy brother shall rise again. " meaning, "I have the power 10:06 and I will do something. " 10:07 But because Martha's judgment was so impaired, 10:12 she could not understand the power of Jesus immediately. 10:17 She projected into the future and she was thinking of the 10:20 resurrection back at the coming of the Lord. 10:23 She says, "I know. " That's her response in verse 24. 10:26 "I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection. " 10:32 Had it not been for an impaired judgment, 10:35 she would have been able to say to herself, 10:38 "This is the Messiah, this is the Man who had been 10:41 healing sick people, opening the eyes of blind people, and 10:45 all of those things. He has that power. 10:48 Yes, He can do something for my brother. " 10:51 But again, her judgment was impaired. 10:54 Now we have looked at the emotional responses. 10:56 We're looking at the cognitive responses. 11:00 Now let's talk about some of the behavioral responses. 11:04 Ineffective communication. 11:06 When an individual is going through a crisis, 11:11 they don't communicate well. 11:14 They use words that suggest they don't care. 11:19 Or they become careless. 11:21 Or they just give up on life. 11:24 And when you're talking to them, they don't want to talk. 11:27 And they're just not there. 11:30 The stress is so great. 11:33 So that's one of them. 11:35 There's what we identify as regressive behavior. 11:38 That is, the person who before the crisis 11:41 was pretty much in control, who could get up and take care of 11:45 themselves and do what they had to do to survive, 11:48 now regressed to almost infantile behavior. 11:51 Where somebody needs to take care of them. 11:53 And they're almost like a child again. 11:56 And it's such a sad thing to watch. 12:00 Impulsivity. 12:01 Sometimes individuals who are going through a crisis, 12:05 one of their behavior response is that 12:07 they just act out of impulse. 12:09 They will just get up and go start shopping and 12:12 in one afternoon blow thousands of dollars. 12:16 They will just get up, jump on a plane and just fly somewhere, 12:19 leave their family, their plants behind, their animals behind. 12:23 Things like that. They just act on impulse. 12:25 It's just something that happens regularly. 12:30 Another behavioral response is that they withdraw. 12:31 They cut off everyone that could be supportive. 12:35 And they stay away from friends and from their co-workers, 12:39 or even church members. 12:41 This is exactly what Mary did. 12:44 Look at verse 20 of the same chapter. 12:47 Then Martha, as soon as she heard that Jesus was coming, 12:52 went and met Him, but Mary sat still in the house. 12:57 She was withdrawn. 12:58 The Messiah's coming, the one person on planet earth that 13:01 can help her, there she was in her withdrawal. 13:05 She didn't want to face the world. 13:06 She didn't want to face anybody. 13:08 She didn't want to go out and see anyone. 13:10 She's going through a crisis. She wants to stay in her world. 13:13 She wants to stay by herself. She wants to lock herself 13:15 in her room. She did not want to. 13:17 Well, we're talking about crisis facing the family. 13:22 And we want you to understand, we have some others. 13:25 We want to talk about the psychological response, 13:27 the spiritual response, and some factors 13:30 that predisposes one to acute anger and stress. 13:35 Listen, we want you to be with us. 13:38 Don't go anywhere. 13:39 Stay there, we'll be right back. 13:51 There are many "How To" books available. 13:53 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:56 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:58 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 14:02 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 14:05 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 14:08 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy: 14:25 Welcome back to our program, Marriage in God's Hands. 14:30 We are talking about Lazarus, a family in crisis. 14:37 We have looked at some of the responses that families 14:39 go through. 14:40 We identified the emotional, 14:42 we looked at the cognitive responses, 14:45 we looked at the behavioral responses. 14:47 Now let us identify some of the physiological responses. 14:51 Chest pains. 14:53 When a crisis hits you, sometimes your chest 14:58 tightens up and you feel it here. 15:02 Now, for whatever the reason, the pain is real. 15:06 Let no one deny you of that. 15:08 Some individuals have to go and seek medical help. 15:11 But that's one of the physiological signs. 15:14 Another is perfuse sweating. 15:16 People who get anxious and/or nervous 15:20 tend to respond by sweating. 15:23 I remember speaking to a woman who was actually in crisis. 15:26 And you could literally see the drops of sweat 15:29 falling from her palm. 15:30 I've never seen that before. 15:33 Dizziness. 15:34 You can become very dizzy. 15:36 Fainting spells attacking you. 15:41 There is want is called irritable bowels, 15:44 where the individual in crisis loses control of the bowel 15:50 and wants to go to the bathroom constantly. 15:55 There's also a spiritual response. 15:57 And one of them that a lot of people manifest is withdrawal. 16:03 Withdrawal from God. Withdrawal from church. 16:07 Withdrawal from praying or doing the things that you use to do. 16:12 That is something that is harmful. 16:16 If you're in a crisis, the last thing on planet earth that 16:19 you want to do is to withdraw from God. 16:23 Sometimes there is an over dependence on God as well 16:26 as a spiritual response. 16:28 Where the person feels so vulnerable that they 16:32 become almost fanatic in their religious experience. 16:35 And it's not that they genuinely are seeking God, 16:39 but they're almost afraid that if they don't pay this homage 16:44 to God as it were, that the same thing could happen again. 16:47 And so it could be a withdrawal as well as an over dependence. 16:53 We're talking about the spiritual response 16:56 that individuals sometimes give in a crisis. 17:00 There are times that people not just withdraw from God, 17:04 but they become angry at God. 17:05 "Has God forgotten to be righteous?" the psalmist asks. 17:09 Sometimes people become so angry at God 17:13 that they want to shipwreck their faith, 17:17 shipwreck their life. 17:18 The one being in the universe, in the heavens, that you cannot 17:22 be angry at is God. 17:24 Why? He's your Maker. He's your Redeemer. 17:27 He's your Sustainer. 17:28 And in Him you live, and move, and have your being. 17:32 You cannot be angry at God. 17:35 And He is your Friend. 17:36 The responsive anger, however, seems to be consistent 17:41 with what happens in the grieving process. 17:44 In fact, Kubler-Ross, who you sited earlier, 17:46 talks about the stages of grief. 17:49 And one of the stages is actually anger. 17:52 So it's not unlikely or inconsistent that a person 17:55 who is going through a crisis, 17:57 and is grieving and totally overwhelmed with the situation, 18:00 will get angry. 18:02 But not every individual going through a crisis 18:06 demonstrates negative anger in the spiritual context. 18:12 There are some individuals, their crisis drives them 18:16 closer to God. 18:18 Their crisis drives them to the heart of God. 18:22 And so, they're able to find peace and comfort 18:27 in the midst of their storm. 18:28 The story we're looking at here of Lazarus' death, 18:33 here is the spiritual response of Martha. 18:38 In verse 22, after all the trauma, 18:40 and all that she was going through, her denial and etc, 18:44 she said in verse 22 talking to Jesus, 18:47 "But I know now that whatsoever You ask of God, 18:52 God will give it. " 18:53 In other words, she has gotten to the point in her faith 18:57 and in her experience where she realized that 18:59 "Yes, my brother is dead. " 19:02 "Yes this is a crisis for me and for my family. " 19:06 "But I can't turn away from the one source 19:09 that can help me most. " 19:10 So she goes to the Source and she appeals, 19:13 "But I know now, I know that if You ask God, 19:18 whatever You ask God, God will grant it unto You. " 19:21 It's like saying, "Yes, I need You to do something for me now. 19:25 Please ask God for help on my behalf. " 19:29 Now, let us look at some of the factors that predisposes 19:33 one to acute stress. 19:38 That is important. 19:39 Because depending on what the individual 19:44 has experienced in the past, your prior experience 19:48 with past stress will determine how you respond. 19:51 There are individuals who have the ability to cope 19:54 because they have gone through certain challenges. 19:58 And as a result, they have developed a coping mechanism. 20:02 Where as individuals who have been hit with a crisis 20:06 for the first time might not have the 20:08 coping mechanism with them. 20:11 Another is people or individuals who have had severe loses. 20:16 If you've had a series of crisis events, or other significant 20:22 loses in your life, then when another crisis comes, 20:26 you are really thrown for a loop. 20:28 So you could get into what we call acute stress. 20:34 This is the most severe form of stress now. 20:37 We're talking about what could drive one 20:39 into that deep end of stress. 20:44 Chronic medical condition. 20:48 There are times when, unfortunately and how sad, 20:52 the diagnosis from the doctor is of such that 20:56 there seems to be no hope. 20:58 Or it is of such that it's grave, it's bad. 21:03 And individual sometimes, doesn't take this too well. 21:08 And it drives them into deep depression. 21:12 So individuals who have had these chronic cases 21:16 sometimes go off into depression. 21:19 Another factor that predisposes one to stress is the notion of 21:25 what we refer to as family support. 21:28 People who have a network around them, 21:31 who have friends or family that they can lean on, 21:34 that they can call, and that they think or believe will 21:38 come to their aid, are more likely to survive crises. 21:43 But when they are isolated from their family and friends, 21:47 then they're more predisposed to acute stress. 21:50 And if they are physically injured, 21:53 if you are physically injured by an event, 21:56 like you have an accident. 21:59 And that accident has left you incapacitated, 22:02 or whatever it is, some people don't take that well. 22:07 "I was an athlete, I use to run. And now I can't run. " 22:12 "I use to play a particular sport and now I can't. " 22:17 Something has happened and I'm not going to be 22:19 able to do that again. 22:20 ?And when you say, "You mean for the rest of my life, 22:24 I will not be able to walk again?" 22:26 Or, "For the rest of my life, I won't be able to sing?" 22:28 Or whatever the issue is, 22:29 that could drive one into acute stress. 22:33 Another is what we call, 22:35 impaired relationship with Jesus Christ. 22:38 Where your faith and your Christian experience 22:42 is compromised. 22:44 People who are not able to open their hearts to Christ 22:48 are likely to become vulnerable. 22:51 Because now they run away from God rather than running to God. 22:57 Sometimes you have family members and friends 23:03 who are going through this acute stress, 23:06 who are going through this crisis. 23:08 And you feel crippled, you feel helpless, 23:11 and sometimes hopeless. 23:13 Because you don't know what to do. 23:15 You say, "I'm not a professional. " 23:18 "I don't know what to do. How do I reach out?" 23:20 How do we reach out to individuals who are 23:24 going through these severe crises? 23:28 One of the most difficult conversations to have 23:30 or experiences to face, is when somebody is in a severe crisis. 23:35 What do you do, as you said. 23:37 And many people don't respond because they 23:40 don't know what to do. 23:41 So, we'd like to look at some of the guidelines 23:44 that one might use. 23:45 The first thing we would identify is, 23:48 you want to listen to this person. 23:50 Give them an opportunity to tell their story. 23:53 To just vent, to just talk about what has happened 23:58 from their perspective at least. 24:00 You don't have to comment. 24:01 You just need to listen to what they have to say. 24:04 You notice we didn't say pray first. 24:06 It's not that we're underestimating or 24:08 undermining the power of prayer. 24:10 But sometimes, notice I say "sometimes", 24:14 when individuals are going through a crisis, 24:17 prayer might not be the first thing you do. 24:20 Listen carefully. Listen carefully. 24:23 Prayer might not be the "first" thing. 24:25 You may approach the person and you may say to them, 24:28 "Tell me how you feel. " 24:30 Let them vent, let them talk out, 24:33 get it off. 24:34 Then you say, "I hear what you're saying. " 24:38 "I understand your situation. Let me pray for you. " 24:42 So, it's not that prayer does not have 24:44 the power at the beginning. 24:45 But sometimes, prayer becomes more effective 24:48 when you allow the person to vent, calm down. 24:51 Then they can hear the prayer and it becomes more effective. 24:56 Another thing you might do is, in the crisis, there are 24:59 practical things that need to happen. 25:02 If it's a loss, as in a death, there's a funeral to plan. 25:06 There are other events surrounding the situation. 25:10 So the individual going through, or the family going through 25:13 the crisis, may need support in that regard. 25:16 Somebody to contact the people to make the plans. 25:19 To get the pastor to come over or whoever it is that 25:22 needs to be there to provide the kind of support. 25:25 Helping to transport people who are coming in town. 25:28 Just the practical mundane things. 25:31 We had a situation on my job recently, where one of our 25:33 colleagues lost her husband. 25:35 And there was nothing we could do. 25:37 And she was pretty affluent and didn't need financial resources. 25:41 But we took turns in just going to assist her with 25:45 much of the mundane things that she needed to do. 25:48 So that sometimes, is what might be helpful. 25:53 Another thing that we can do to help people to grieve, 25:55 is to provide an opportunity for them to reflect 25:59 on their significant other. 26:01 Allow them to talk and get it out. 26:04 Because it does help. 26:08 The story of Lazarus and his two sisters 26:12 is a story that helps us to understand that, 26:15 as families, we sometimes face crises, 26:19 and we have to go through our crises. 26:22 But it's also a reminder of, it does not matter 26:25 what the stress, what the issue, what the problem is, 26:28 that we can find help from Jesus Christ. 26:34 So we conclude... 26:37 One, families go through severe crises at times. 26:42 And these crises can render you dysfunctional. 26:45 They can cripple you at times. 26:49 Three, how we manage the crisis will determine 26:53 how we survive the crisis. 26:56 But like in the case of Lazarus and Mary and Martha, 27:00 don't you ever forget who Jesus is. 27:04 He is the Resurrection and the Life. 27:08 And the same Jesus who had the power to 27:11 go to that grave and say, "Lazarus, come forth. " 27:15 is the same Jesus that you and I serve today. 27:19 So whatever your situation, whatever your pain, 27:22 whatever your brokenness, whatever your crisis, 27:24 there is that Heavenly Father that you can go to. 27:29 And He will look at your situation, 27:31 and in His great love and infinite mercies for you, 27:34 He will say, "Come forth, come from your brokenness, 27:37 come from your pain, come from your anger, 27:40 come from your crisis. " 27:41 "Here is My love. Here is my peace. " 27:44 God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17