Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000049
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands
00:33 I am Alanzo Smith. 00:34 And I'm June Smith. 00:37 And we have been married for 31 years. 00:42 Both of us are licensed Marriage and Family Therapists 00:46 and licensed Mental Health Counselors. 00:49 And we're happy to talk with you today about some 00:52 important issues affecting the family. 00:56 We will start with Covenant Breakers: 00:59 The internet dilemma for Christian families. 01:04 I think you're probably like me. 01:06 I often wonder what was life like before the computer. 01:12 What an awesome invention. 01:15 But you know, all these new technologies 01:18 create different problems that families now must face. 01:26 So we're going to spend some time 01:29 to look at some of these issues. 01:31 Before we do that however, I invite you to pray with us. 01:37 Our Father and our God, we thank You for Your love, 01:41 and for establishing Your covenant with us, Your people. 01:47 We pray for all the families that are represented, 01:51 especially for those watching us right now. 01:54 May Your Spirit continue to guide and keep us all. 01:58 And in Your coming Kingdom save us I pray. 02:02 In Jesus' name, Amen. Amen. 02:07 I invite you to share with me this text to be found in 02:13 2 Timothy 3:1-2, 5. Let's read the text together. 02:55 Here, Timothy is talking about men being lovers of pleasure 03:00 more than lovers of God. 03:02 I've had the privilege to do family evangelism seminars 03:08 and evangelistic crusades around the world and in large cities. 03:13 I can think of Nairobi Kenya, Toronto Canada, Kingston Jamaica 03:19 and yes, New York New York. 03:21 These large cities are reflecting more and more 03:27 what Timothy is talking about; lovers of pleasure 03:32 more than lovers of God. 03:34 Not just large cities, the world as a whole. 03:38 This is the age in which we have come. 03:41 And one of the areas that we are identifying 03:45 in this presentation to you is the area of the internet 03:50 and how it affects the family. 03:53 We're talking about covenant breakers. 03:55 And now we want to look at situations that indicate 04:02 when we do break this covenant. 04:04 For example, when we use the internet as a source 04:08 of intimate pleasure, we break God's covenant. 04:14 When we have a secret collection of magazines, 04:19 or pornographic information, or computer images... 04:25 Or if we find ourselves using our free time visiting 04:29 these websites, going into chat rooms and all of those sites, 04:34 all of those things, we are breaking God's covenant. 04:40 When we use information that is illicit, as we call it, 04:46 to bring us sexual gratification we are breaking God's covenant. 04:52 And this is becoming a pervasive problem, 04:57 that we could even identify as a dilemma. 05:00 I teach in a graduate program, and we're currently organizing 05:05 to develop, after our market research was done, 05:07 to develop a new program to train sex therapists. 05:11 Because we recognize the need to help these people 05:16 who have this problem. 05:18 So we're talking about a situation that is not just 05:22 a small issue, but has become a societal problem. 05:26 The reality of the internet use is that, 05:30 for us, from our stand point as therapists, we're seeing 05:34 more and more families coming in, 05:37 there's a proliferation of families, couples coming in 05:42 because this is affecting one member of the family. 05:46 It is real, it is here. And that's the reality. 05:50 So, we want you to pay attention to these issues. 05:54 Because they are affecting marriages today. 05:58 You know, there's what we call a marital myth. 06:00 And I want to share that with you. 06:04 It is believed, or it is stated: 06:17 And later on in this program, we will show that this isn't so. 06:21 But, the thing we want to underscore is that 06:25 marital problems of a sexual or intimate nature, 06:28 is not just limited to people who... 06:32 are low-lifers, not successful, having problems, 06:35 stressed out, depressed. Not at all. 06:38 We're talking about individuals who are highly successful, 06:42 highly educated, well accomplished individuals. 06:45 And as we said, we'll point out a few not long from now. 06:49 But, marriage is experiencing now some developing problems 06:55 that years gone by, we didn't have those problems. 07:00 We call them the "new cyberspace syndrome". 07:04 For example, years gone by, the notion of 07:09 your spouse in a chat room, that did not exist. 07:16 There were no intimate chat rooms. 07:18 But now the reality is, we have the internet, we have 07:21 spouses that are spending hours and hours and hours. 07:24 One person said that her husband was coming into bed 07:29 2, 3 am in the morning saying he was doing research. 07:33 But later found out, there was no research at all. 07:36 He was spending time in these chat rooms. 07:39 There's what we call the "internet affair". 07:42 Where individuals literally engage another 07:48 cyberspace contact, and carry on an affair 07:54 to the detriment of their marriage. 07:57 We're talking about developing problems in marriages now. 08:01 Texting, text messages. 08:02 One young lady said that while she was in church, 08:07 she was texting a gentleman. 08:10 And unfortunately, this gentleman was married 08:13 and she was a teenager, and she she was sending text messages 08:16 to a married person. 08:17 That's a problem that before, we didn't have. 08:21 I saw a woman recently who told me that her spouse 08:26 has three different cell phones. 08:29 And one phone she's aware of, she didn't even know the number. 08:35 And she couldn't reach him on that number. 08:37 When I asked "why so", she said she suspects that phone is 08:42 what he uses for the affair that she was aware he was having. 08:47 So yes, we're talking about a new set of issues... 08:52 that is coming and hitting the family; 08:54 lovers of pleasure more than lovers of God. 08:58 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof. 09:03 That's what Timothy is talking about and that's what is 09:05 hitting families square on right now. 09:10 Let's see if we can define "internet affair" for you. 09:16 We're going to put up a definition 09:18 and we want you to read along with us. 09:38 So that an individual who is involved with another 09:41 cyberspace individual for the purpose of 09:45 experiencing stimulation and intimacy 09:49 is engaging in what we call an affair. 09:56 Let's look at the kinds of internet affairs 09:58 that we're talking about. 10:00 The first one is what you'd call the "casual user". 10:05 They just go on the internet just out of mere curiosity. 10:08 Sometimes they're working on their computer 10:10 and there's a pop-up, and just out of curiosity they 10:14 check that pop-up. 10:15 It takes them into the wrong direction, but that's all. 10:18 Casual users. 10:20 And then we have "compulsive users". 10:23 People who spend on an average, 8 or more hours per day 10:27 trying to engage different sources on the internet. 10:33 And of course we have what we call the "depraved users". 10:36 These are the predators who are there. 10:40 And we said earlier on, we wanted to address that myth 10:43 that we had up for you earlier on. 10:46 And we want to go that point now. 10:48 There is a program on one television station 10:52 that identifies predators that are on the internet 10:57 trying to catch your boys and your girls. 11:00 And they set up these stings and they 11:03 profile the ones they caught. 11:05 And among those they caught were medical doctors. 11:09 They caught school teachers. 11:13 They caught lawyers, religious leaders, 11:15 government officials. 11:18 They named all of these individuals who have 11:21 accomplished in their lives. 11:22 And that's why we said earlier on it was a myth 11:25 to say that individuals who have accomplished in their lives, 11:28 they don't have these problems. 11:30 It's not so. 11:31 The Bible tells us the root of it. 11:33 The Bible tells us the heart of it. 11:35 It says the heart is deceitful above all things 11:38 and desperately wicked, and who can know it. 11:41 And that is so true. 11:42 That's the reality of what is facing us today 11:46 in this 21st century. 11:49 Now many people who engage on the internet may not go there 11:51 with the intent to get into some of these problems. 11:55 But what we do want to do is to bring awareness that, 11:59 like every other sin, you start on a sliding scale. 12:03 And you go in just out of curiosity 12:06 and before you know it, you are on the devil's ground. 12:09 So you want to be extremely guarded. 12:13 And as the scripture says, guard the avenues of your soul. 12:19 Parents, we cannot say this enough. 12:27 Young people, children. We cannot say this enough. 12:32 You need to understand. 12:34 There is danger out there on the internet. 12:39 We want you to be careful. 12:41 We want you to understand that there are predators out there 12:45 who are bent on destroying you. 12:47 They want to harm you. Be careful. 12:51 We have been talking about problems that families 12:54 are currently facing. 12:56 Problems that families in the 21st century are now faced with. 13:01 And we recognize how difficult it is 13:04 to contain some of these problems. 13:07 We're going to continue our discussion after our break. 13:11 We want to talk about factors that influence 13:15 cyberspace or internet infidelity. 13:18 In addition to the steps that we might take to address this. 13:21 So I invite you to be right back with us 13:24 as soon as we're through with this break. 13:35 There are many "How To" books available. 13:37 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:41 How You Can Build A Better Marriage 13:43 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:47 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:50 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:53 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:10 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:14 We have been discussing internet dilemma's 14:18 for the Christian family. 14:20 And before the break, we talked about some of the problems. 14:25 Well, now we want to look at some of the factors 14:28 influencing internet infidelity. 14:32 The first one is what I call a desire to control. 14:37 There are some individuals who like to control and dominate. 14:41 And when you have this kind of personality, and you're not 14:47 able to control your spouse, then guess what? 14:50 You turn to the internet. So if you find that you have 14:52 this innate desire to control, that's one of the factors. 14:56 Another thing that seems to influence individuals who get 14:59 involved with these behaviors is what we call 15:02 the desire to hurt, or to punish. 15:04 So they may be having a problem in their marriage, 15:07 and instead of dealing and confronting and getting help 15:10 for the problem, they often turn to the internet. 15:14 Another one is a desire to have emotional contact 15:19 without the risk of accountability. 15:21 If they should go off and have an affair 15:25 with someone physically, then that could cause them to 15:28 lose their status, their position, 15:30 or whatever it is, with their family. 15:34 But they feel more comfortable and safer if they should have 15:38 that affair on the internet. 15:40 So they figure, well there's no physical contact, so it's ok. 15:46 Another reason why people get involved in internet affairs, 15:51 or infidelity, is what we call narcissism. 15:54 It's a concept of being selfish. 15:57 The sense that "I do what I want and I really don't care 16:02 about the impact or the consequence to my family, 16:06 to my church, to my faith community. " 16:08 And so they will take risks and get into these 16:12 kinds of situations that could be self-destructive 16:16 and at the same time, destroy a marriage. 16:20 Depraved nature. 16:22 There are some individuals, that's how you summarize it. 16:26 They just have a depraved nature. 16:29 I think Jeremiah encapsulates this concept in Jeremiah 17:9. 16:35 I want you to read that text. 16:37 I want you hear what the prophet says. 16:50 Unfortunately, but it is so true, that there are individuals 16:52 who just have a heart that is depraved. 16:57 A heart that is not converted. 17:00 And as a result, they'll allow all these kinds of evil 17:04 to reside within their hearts. 17:06 So you could say, a heart that is possessed by Satan. 17:11 How about signs to look for? 17:13 I'm sure our viewers would like to think through 17:16 and discuss, or have us discuss, 17:18 "How do you know that this might be happening?" 17:23 Well, if you see someone spending prolonged hours 17:27 on the internet, undue or unnecessary. 17:30 What could they be on the internet doing for so long 17:33 and so consistently? 17:35 Then it could be a sign that something is going wrong. 17:40 Another sign usually is what we call 17:42 little communication with an offline spouse. 17:46 Where you're just having one word conversations. 17:52 Very little communication open with the rest of the family. 17:56 It indicates that you might be in an 17:58 open relationship with somebody else. 18:00 Who else are you talking with? 18:01 In fact, sometimes one spouse might say to the other, 18:04 "Did I tell you so and so" or "I remember telling you" 18:08 and you realize "no, we didn't have this conversation. " 18:11 And they may try to convince you that they did. 18:13 And it might be that they were having this conversation 18:15 with somebody else, but it wasn't you. 18:19 We talked about prolonged hours. 18:22 Well, there are times, there are instances when the individual 18:25 might not be on for long periods but it could be unusual hours. 18:31 It could be at a time when the person should be in bed, 18:33 or doing something productive, they are on the internet. 18:36 So, not only should we look for prolonged hours, 18:41 but we should also look for unusual hours 18:44 when they're on the internet. 18:47 Another thing that we can look at, 18:49 we're talking about the signs and how can you tell 18:51 that this is going on, 18:53 when the online spouse seems offended when confronted 18:58 about this concern. 19:00 So a wife who goes to her husband and says, 19:03 "Honey, I have some concerns. What are you doing 19:06 on the internet 2, 3, 4 in the morning?" 19:09 And he gets defensive. 19:11 Or a husband who goes to his wife 19:14 and confronts the same situation. 19:17 Private passwords. That's a very common on. 19:21 When you start having private passwords to your computer, 19:24 private passwords to your telephone, 19:26 private passwords to everything and nobody knows this 19:30 private password, then it's a sign that something is wrong. 19:35 So be aware of that. 19:36 So those are some of the signs. 19:39 There are many more, but those are some of the main, 19:42 or the key ones, that you would look for. 19:46 What are the implications, as far as the family's concerned, 19:51 what are the implications? 19:53 They can be overwhelming. 19:54 There are issues of trust that's been broken. 19:58 There is anxiety that evolves. 20:01 There is hurt, betrayal. 20:04 All of these emotional states that a spouse will go through, 20:08 much like having an adulterous affair or extramarital affair. 20:12 So, these are serious relationship problems. 20:18 Sometimes, the innocent party can start thinking that, 20:21 "Well maybe something is wrong with me. " 20:23 Or "Am I imagining things?" 20:25 Have you ever had that experience where 20:27 you know you're seeing some things, but 20:32 you're asking yourself, "Did I see that?" 20:34 "Did I hear that?" 20:36 Then it's affecting you now. It's affecting the family. 20:41 We're talking about implications for the family. 20:43 You start seeing things and you're wondering, 20:45 "Am I imagining, am I losing my mind?" 20:49 Sometimes the spouse gets angry. 20:51 Or they get suspicious. 20:54 And there are other times when they 20:56 experience an emotional roller coaster. 21:00 On some level, the spouse who is the online spouse 21:05 appears very sensitive and nurturing and caring 21:08 to the other spouse. 21:10 And there are times when they could engage in this behavior. 21:13 And so the spouse is left not knowing what to believe. 21:19 If you're listening to us right now, 21:21 and you're guilty of some of these issues 21:25 that we are talking about, you must act. 21:29 There are things and necessary steps that you have to take. 21:33 For example, you need to cut off that cyber lover immediately. 21:40 You need to cut off that cyber relationship immediately. 21:44 No ifs, ands, or buts. 21:47 It's surgery time. 21:49 If you want the Holy Spirit to dwell within you, 21:53 and for your marriage to continue to be in God's hands, 21:57 that's what you have to do. 21:59 Full clean cut. 22:02 Another thing you need to do is to take responsibility 22:06 for the hurt that your spouse, your offline spouse, 22:11 is experiencing. 22:12 In other words, do not defend your behavior. 22:15 Do not rationalize your behavior. 22:17 Your spouse is confronting a very serious problem 22:23 and it needs to be addressed. 22:27 Telling the truth helps the other person 22:32 to heal quickly and effectively. 22:35 If you're caught, add up, face up, come clean, 22:40 come straight and tell the truth. 22:43 You will be able to work through this better and easier 22:47 with your spouse if you tell the truth. 22:51 Like all other problems that a couple might face, 22:55 there needs to be a commitment that we will work through this. 22:59 So both parties, husband as well as wife, are committed 23:05 to face this as a family problem or a marital problem, 23:10 and be totally committed to stay together 23:13 and work it through. 23:15 Explore unresolved issues. 23:19 Sometimes the reason for your behavior, 23:24 sometimes the reason for you to be spending time in these 23:29 websites, is because there are problems in the relationship 23:34 and they are unresolved. 23:35 Explore them, try to bring about a resolution 23:39 so that you and your spouse can once more be in harmony 23:44 as God would have you both. 23:46 A good and practical thing to do is relocate the computer. 23:52 Instead of keeping it in the study, or in the room 23:56 that it is where you have privacy, you may want to 23:59 put the computer in an open space 24:01 where there's traffic in the house. 24:04 And people are able to pass by so that you don't feel 24:09 isolated and secluded. 24:10 And therefore, supported in your problem. 24:16 Listen patiently to each other. 24:19 Realizing that your goal is to build back God's covenant 24:24 in your marital relationship. 24:26 The covenant has been broken by your involvement in 24:29 cyberspace infidelity, and your task is to build back 24:33 that covenantal relationship 24:35 So, I am encouraging you, talk and listen. 24:40 Don't get an attitude. Be humble. 24:45 And with that, genuinely seek your spouse's forgiveness. 24:49 Own and admit the problem. 24:52 And say "Honey" or "Dear" or whatever you call your spouse, 24:56 "I am willing by God's grace to face this and to get help. " 25:01 "Please forgive me. " 25:02 And show a genuine repentance of that behavior. 25:07 Avoid blaming and fault finding. 25:10 It's not going to work. 25:12 If you try to blame, if you try to find fault, 25:14 it makes the problem worse. 25:17 So what we're saying, avoid that. 25:19 Work towards a resolution, but don't play the blame game. 25:24 You might have a problem that's beyond you. 25:26 So one counsel would be, be willing to seek 25:30 professional help. 25:31 There are trained counselors who can help you 25:35 get to the underlying of this problem. 25:39 And explore what else might be allowing this behavior. 25:43 Because there might be, as you mentioned earlier, 25:46 unresolved issues that you have concerns about. 25:50 And this issue that we're talking about 25:52 is something that you have to get in touch 25:55 with your true self about. 25:57 You can't hide. 25:58 Remember, God shall bring everything to light. 26:03 He shall bring it into judgment every secret sin. 26:06 Everything, whether it be good or whether it be evil. 26:10 And the Bible clearly tells us, be not deceived. 26:14 God is not mocked. 26:15 For whatsoever a person soweth, that shall he also reap. 26:19 So it's important for the two individuals 26:21 to be able to work through this thing. 26:24 And for the guilty party to be honest with his soul, 26:28 with his family, and with his God. 26:30 So we're saying, it's not just a problem with your marriage. 26:34 But it's also a spiritual problem. 26:36 So it must be addressed and you must be willing to repent. 26:40 You must be able to ask for forgiveness of your spouse, 26:44 but also of God. 26:46 Psalm 127:1 must be remembered again. 26:49 Except the Lord build the house, 26:52 you can't do it on your own. 26:54 If you have done something that is wrong, go to God. 26:58 He says "He that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out. " 27:03 We have made mistakes. 27:05 We have done things that have not been right. 27:08 But God is always willing to forgive. 27:11 So I'm encouraging you, I'm imploring you, 27:13 if you're involved in this issue of internet affair, 27:17 Let go, get rid of those sites. 27:20 Do not go back into any more chat rooms. 27:23 Tell your spouse you're sorry. 27:25 And if your spouse did not find out, 27:27 but you hear us talking now, and you know what you're doing, 27:30 then you tell yourself, "I have to stop. " 27:33 "It's not good for my soul's salvation. " 27:36 "It's not good for my family. " 27:38 Be strong in the Lord and trust God to see you to the end. 27:41 May God bless your marriage. 27:42 And may He bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17