Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands
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I am Alanzo Smith.
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And I'm June Smith.
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And we have been
married for 31 years.
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Both of us are licensed
Marriage and Family Therapists
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and licensed
Mental Health Counselors.
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And we're happy to talk
with you today about some
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important issues
affecting the family.
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We will start
with Covenant Breakers:
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The internet dilemma
for Christian families.
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I think you're probably like me.
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I often wonder what was
life like before the computer.
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What an awesome invention.
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But you know, all
these new technologies
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create different problems
that families now must face.
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So we're going
to spend some time
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to look at some of these issues.
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Before we do that however,
I invite you to pray with us.
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Our Father and our God,
we thank You for Your love,
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and for establishing Your
covenant with us, Your people.
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We pray for all the
families that are represented,
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especially for those
watching us right now.
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May Your Spirit continue
to guide and keep us all.
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And in Your coming
Kingdom save us I pray.
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In Jesus' name, Amen. Amen.
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I invite you to share with
me this text to be found in
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2 Timothy 3:1-2, 5.
Let's read the text together.
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Here, Timothy is talking about
men being lovers of pleasure
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more than lovers of God.
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I've had the privilege to
do family evangelism seminars
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and evangelistic crusades around
the world and in large cities.
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I can think of Nairobi Kenya,
Toronto Canada, Kingston Jamaica
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and yes, New York New York.
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These large cities are
reflecting more and more
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what Timothy is talking
about; lovers of pleasure
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more than lovers of God.
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Not just large
cities, the world as a whole.
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This is the age in
which we have come.
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And one of the areas
that we are identifying
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in this presentation to
you is the area of the internet
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and how it affects the family.
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We're talking
about covenant breakers.
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And now we want to look
at situations that indicate
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when we do break this covenant.
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For example, when we
use the internet as a source
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of intimate pleasure,
we break God's covenant.
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When we have a secret
collection of magazines,
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or pornographic information,
or computer images...
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Or if we find ourselves
using our free time visiting
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these websites, going into chat
rooms and all of those sites,
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all of those things, we
are breaking God's covenant.
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When we use information
that is illicit, as we call it,
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to bring us sexual gratification
we are breaking God's covenant.
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And this is
becoming a pervasive problem,
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that we could even
identify as a dilemma.
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I teach in a graduate program,
and we're currently organizing
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to develop, after our
market research was done,
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to develop a new
program to train sex therapists.
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Because we recognize the
need to help these people
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who have this problem.
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So we're talking about a
situation that is not just
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a small issue, but has
become a societal problem.
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The reality of the
internet use is that,
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for us, from our stand point
as therapists, we're seeing
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more and more
families coming in,
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there's a proliferation of
families, couples coming in
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because this is affecting
one member of the family.
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It is real, it is
here. And that's the reality.
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So, we want you to pay
attention to these issues.
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Because they are
affecting marriages today.
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You know, there's what
we call a marital myth.
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And I want to
share that with you.
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It is believed, or it is stated:
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And later on in this program,
we will show that this isn't so.
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But, the thing we
want to underscore is that
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marital problems of a
sexual or intimate nature,
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is not just
limited to people who...
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are low-lifers, not
successful, having problems,
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stressed out,
depressed. Not at all.
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We're talking about individuals
who are highly successful,
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highly educated, well
accomplished individuals.
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And as we said, we'll point
out a few not long from now.
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But, marriage is experiencing
now some developing problems
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that years gone by, we
didn't have those problems.
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We call them the
"new cyberspace syndrome".
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For example, years
gone by, the notion of
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your spouse in a chat
room, that did not exist.
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There were no
intimate chat rooms.
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But now the reality is,
we have the internet, we have
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spouses that are spending
hours and hours and hours.
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One person said that her
husband was coming into bed
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2, 3 am in the morning
saying he was doing research.
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But later found out,
there was no research at all.
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He was spending
time in these chat rooms.
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There's what we call
the "internet affair".
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Where individuals
literally engage another
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cyberspace contact,
and carry on an affair
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to the detriment
of their marriage.
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We're talking about developing
problems in marriages now.
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Texting, text messages.
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One young lady said
that while she was in church,
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she was texting a gentleman.
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And unfortunately,
this gentleman was married
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and she was a teenager, and she
she was sending text messages
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to a married person.
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That's a problem that
before, we didn't have.
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I saw a woman recently
who told me that her spouse
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has three different cell phones.
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And one phone she's aware of,
she didn't even know the number.
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And she couldn't
reach him on that number.
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When I asked "why so", she
said she suspects that phone is
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what he uses for the affair that
she was aware he was having.
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So yes, we're talking
about a new set of issues...
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that is coming and
hitting the family;
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lovers of pleasure
more than lovers of God.
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Having a form of godliness,
but denying the power thereof.
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That's what Timothy is
talking about and that's what is
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hitting families
square on right now.
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Let's see if we can define
"internet affair" for you.
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We're going to
put up a definition
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and we want you to
read along with us.
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So that an individual
who is involved with another
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cyberspace
individual for the purpose of
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experiencing
stimulation and intimacy
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is engaging in
what we call an affair.
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Let's look at the
kinds of internet affairs
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that we're talking about.
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The first one is what
you'd call the "casual user".
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They just go on the internet
just out of mere curiosity.
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Sometimes they're
working on their computer
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and there's a pop-up, and
just out of curiosity they
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check that pop-up.
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It takes them into the
wrong direction, but that's all.
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Casual users.
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And then we have
"compulsive users".
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People who spend on an
average, 8 or more hours per day
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trying to engage different
sources on the internet.
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And of course we have what
we call the "depraved users".
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These are the
predators who are there.
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And we said earlier on, we
wanted to address that myth
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that we had up
for you earlier on.
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And we want to
go that point now.
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There is a program on
one television station
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that identifies predators
that are on the internet
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trying to catch
your boys and your girls.
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And they set up
these stings and they
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profile the ones they caught.
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And among those they
caught were medical doctors.
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They caught school teachers.
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They caught
lawyers, religious leaders,
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government officials.
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They named all of
these individuals who have
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accomplished in their lives.
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And that's why we said
earlier on it was a myth
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to say that individuals who have
accomplished in their lives,
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they don't have these problems.
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It's not so.
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The Bible tells
us the root of it.
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The Bible tells
us the heart of it.
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It says the heart is
deceitful above all things
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and desperately
wicked, and who can know it.
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And that is so true.
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That's the reality of
what is facing us today
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in this 21st century.
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Now many people who engage
on the internet may not go there
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with the intent to get
into some of these problems.
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But what we do want to do
is to bring awareness that,
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like every other sin,
you start on a sliding scale.
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And you go in
just out of curiosity
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and before you know it,
you are on the devil's ground.
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So you want to be
extremely guarded.
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And as the scripture says,
guard the avenues of your soul.
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Parents, we
cannot say this enough.
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Young people, children.
We cannot say this enough.
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You need to understand.
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There is danger out
there on the internet.
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We want you to be careful.
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We want you to understand that
there are predators out there
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who are bent on destroying you.
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They want to
harm you. Be careful.
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We have been talking
about problems that families
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are currently facing.
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Problems that families in the
21st century are now faced with.
00:12:56.33\00:13:01.28
And we recognize
how difficult it is
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to contain some
of these problems.
00:13:04.86\00:13:07.66
We're going to continue
our discussion after our break.
00:13:07.69\00:13:11.35
We want to talk about
factors that influence
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cyberspace or
internet infidelity.
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In addition to the steps that
we might take to address this.
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So I invite you to
be right back with us
00:13:21.75\00:13:24.68
as soon as we're
through with this break.
00:13:24.71\00:13:27.60
There are many "How
To" books available.
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But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
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How You Can
Build A Better Marriage
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Bible-based matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
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easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:47.47\00:13:50.18
newlyweds, couples
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00:13:50.21\00:13:53.04
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:53.07\00:13:55.03
Welcome back to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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We have been
discussing internet dilemma's
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for the Christian family.
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And before the break, we talked
about some of the problems.
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Well, now we want to
look at some of the factors
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influencing internet infidelity.
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The first one is what I
call a desire to control.
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There are some individuals who
like to control and dominate.
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And when you have this kind
of personality, and you're not
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able to control your
spouse, then guess what?
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You turn to the internet.
So if you find that you have
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this innate desire to control,
that's one of the factors.
00:14:52.52\00:14:55.68
Another thing that seems to
influence individuals who get
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involved with these
behaviors is what we call
00:14:59.15\00:15:02.25
the desire to
hurt, or to punish.
00:15:02.28\00:15:04.68
So they may be having a
problem in their marriage,
00:15:04.71\00:15:07.66
and instead of dealing and
confronting and getting help
00:15:07.69\00:15:10.17
for the problem, they
often turn to the internet.
00:15:10.20\00:15:13.25
Another one is a desire
to have emotional contact
00:15:14.06\00:15:19.08
without the risk
of accountability.
00:15:19.11\00:15:21.74
If they should go
off and have an affair
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with someone physically,
then that could cause them to
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lose their
status, their position,
00:15:28.62\00:15:30.49
or whatever it
is, with their family.
00:15:30.52\00:15:34.11
But they feel more comfortable
and safer if they should have
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that affair on the internet.
00:15:38.82\00:15:40.88
So they figure, well there's
no physical contact, so it's ok.
00:15:40.91\00:15:45.29
Another reason why people get
involved in internet affairs,
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or infidelity, is
what we call narcissism.
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It's a concept of being selfish.
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The sense that "I do what I
want and I really don't care
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about the impact or the
consequence to my family,
00:16:02.70\00:16:06.11
to my church, to
my faith community. "
00:16:06.14\00:16:08.76
And so they will take
risks and get into these
00:16:08.79\00:16:12.46
kinds of situations that
could be self-destructive
00:16:12.49\00:16:16.40
and at the same
time, destroy a marriage.
00:16:16.43\00:16:19.25
Depraved nature.
00:16:20.31\00:16:22.58
There are some individuals,
that's how you summarize it.
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They just have
a depraved nature.
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I think Jeremiah encapsulates
this concept in Jeremiah 17:9.
00:16:29.72\00:16:35.82
I want you to read that text.
00:16:35.85\00:16:37.19
I want you hear
what the prophet says.
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Unfortunately, but it is so
true, that there are individuals
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who just have a
heart that is depraved.
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A heart that is not converted.
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And as a result, they'll
allow all these kinds of evil
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to reside within their hearts.
00:17:04.40\00:17:06.38
So you could say, a heart
that is possessed by Satan.
00:17:06.96\00:17:09.79
How about signs to look for?
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I'm sure our viewers
would like to think through
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and discuss, or have us discuss,
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"How do you know that
this might be happening?"
00:17:18.94\00:17:22.02
Well, if you see
someone spending prolonged hours
00:17:23.26\00:17:27.22
on the internet,
undue or unnecessary.
00:17:27.25\00:17:30.81
What could they be on the
internet doing for so long
00:17:30.84\00:17:33.88
and so consistently?
00:17:33.91\00:17:35.47
Then it could be a sign
that something is going wrong.
00:17:35.50\00:17:39.33
Another sign
usually is what we call
00:17:40.06\00:17:42.65
little communication
with an offline spouse.
00:17:42.68\00:17:46.92
Where you're just
having one word conversations.
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Very little communication open
with the rest of the family.
00:17:52.08\00:17:56.22
It indicates that
you might be in an
00:17:56.25\00:17:58.90
open relationship
with somebody else.
00:17:58.93\00:18:00.41
Who else are you talking with?
00:18:00.44\00:18:01.67
In fact, sometimes one
spouse might say to the other,
00:18:01.70\00:18:04.23
"Did I tell you so and so"
or "I remember telling you"
00:18:04.26\00:18:08.41
and you realize "no, we
didn't have this conversation. "
00:18:08.44\00:18:11.04
And they may try to
convince you that they did.
00:18:11.07\00:18:13.19
And it might be that they
were having this conversation
00:18:13.22\00:18:15.59
with somebody
else, but it wasn't you.
00:18:15.62\00:18:17.70
We talked about prolonged hours.
00:18:19.30\00:18:21.65
Well, there are times, there are
instances when the individual
00:18:22.35\00:18:25.11
might not be on for long periods
but it could be unusual hours.
00:18:25.14\00:18:31.13
It could be at a time when
the person should be in bed,
00:18:31.16\00:18:33.70
or doing something productive,
they are on the internet.
00:18:33.73\00:18:36.95
So, not only should we
look for prolonged hours,
00:18:36.98\00:18:41.39
but we should also
look for unusual hours
00:18:41.42\00:18:44.36
when they're on the internet.
00:18:44.39\00:18:46.05
Another thing
that we can look at,
00:18:47.52\00:18:49.93
we're talking about the
signs and how can you tell
00:18:49.96\00:18:51.89
that this is going on,
00:18:51.92\00:18:53.03
when the online spouse
seems offended when confronted
00:18:53.06\00:18:58.85
about this concern.
00:18:58.88\00:19:00.33
So a wife who goes
to her husband and says,
00:19:00.36\00:19:03.46
"Honey, I have some
concerns. What are you doing
00:19:03.49\00:19:06.70
on the internet 2,
3, 4 in the morning?"
00:19:06.73\00:19:09.79
And he gets defensive.
00:19:09.82\00:19:11.41
Or a husband
who goes to his wife
00:19:11.44\00:19:14.12
and confronts
the same situation.
00:19:14.15\00:19:16.37
Private passwords.
That's a very common on.
00:19:17.14\00:19:20.85
When you start having private
passwords to your computer,
00:19:21.05\00:19:24.15
private passwords
to your telephone,
00:19:24.18\00:19:26.51
private passwords to
everything and nobody knows this
00:19:26.54\00:19:29.99
private password, then it's
a sign that something is wrong.
00:19:30.02\00:19:35.20
So be aware of that.
00:19:35.23\00:19:36.69
So those are some of the signs.
00:19:36.72\00:19:39.47
There are many more, but
those are some of the main,
00:19:39.50\00:19:42.36
or the key ones,
that you would look for.
00:19:42.39\00:19:45.00
What are the implications, as
far as the family's concerned,
00:19:46.04\00:19:51.92
what are the implications?
00:19:51.95\00:19:53.24
They can be overwhelming.
00:19:53.84\00:19:54.81
There are issues of
trust that's been broken.
00:19:54.82\00:19:58.28
There is anxiety that evolves.
00:19:58.31\00:20:01.50
There is hurt, betrayal.
00:20:01.53\00:20:04.25
All of these emotional states
that a spouse will go through,
00:20:04.28\00:20:08.03
much like having an adulterous
affair or extramarital affair.
00:20:08.06\00:20:12.33
So, these are serious
relationship problems.
00:20:12.36\00:20:17.46
Sometimes, the innocent
party can start thinking that,
00:20:18.06\00:20:21.56
"Well maybe
something is wrong with me. "
00:20:21.59\00:20:23.61
Or "Am I imagining things?"
00:20:23.64\00:20:25.80
Have you ever had
that experience where
00:20:25.83\00:20:27.50
you know you're
seeing some things, but
00:20:27.53\00:20:31.79
you're asking
yourself, "Did I see that?"
00:20:32.79\00:20:34.45
"Did I hear that?"
00:20:34.48\00:20:35.53
Then it's affecting you
now. It's affecting the family.
00:20:36.93\00:20:41.77
We're talking about
implications for the family.
00:20:41.80\00:20:43.70
You start seeing
things and you're wondering,
00:20:43.73\00:20:45.87
"Am I imagining,
am I losing my mind?"
00:20:45.90\00:20:48.28
Sometimes the spouse gets angry.
00:20:49.27\00:20:51.84
Or they get suspicious.
00:20:51.87\00:20:54.31
And there are
other times when they
00:20:54.34\00:20:56.94
experience an
emotional roller coaster.
00:20:56.97\00:21:00.52
On some level, the
spouse who is the online spouse
00:21:00.55\00:21:05.26
appears very sensitive
and nurturing and caring
00:21:05.29\00:21:08.30
to the other spouse.
00:21:08.50\00:21:10.22
And there are times when they
could engage in this behavior.
00:21:10.25\00:21:13.60
And so the spouse is left
not knowing what to believe.
00:21:13.63\00:21:18.09
If you're
listening to us right now,
00:21:19.70\00:21:21.91
and you're guilty
of some of these issues
00:21:21.94\00:21:25.39
that we are talking
about, you must act.
00:21:25.42\00:21:29.67
There are things and necessary
steps that you have to take.
00:21:29.70\00:21:33.86
For example, you need to cut off
that cyber lover immediately.
00:21:33.89\00:21:40.10
You need to cut off that
cyber relationship immediately.
00:21:40.13\00:21:44.60
No ifs, ands, or buts.
00:21:44.63\00:21:47.54
It's surgery time.
00:21:47.57\00:21:49.68
If you want the Holy
Spirit to dwell within you,
00:21:49.71\00:21:53.07
and for your marriage to
continue to be in God's hands,
00:21:53.10\00:21:57.65
that's what you have to do.
00:21:57.68\00:21:59.25
Full clean cut.
00:21:59.28\00:22:01.64
Another thing you need to
do is to take responsibility
00:22:02.42\00:22:06.33
for the hurt that your
spouse, your offline spouse,
00:22:06.36\00:22:11.11
is experiencing.
00:22:11.14\00:22:12.35
In other words, do
not defend your behavior.
00:22:12.38\00:22:15.68
Do not
rationalize your behavior.
00:22:15.71\00:22:17.88
Your spouse is confronting
a very serious problem
00:22:17.91\00:22:22.99
and it needs to be addressed.
00:22:23.02\00:22:25.85
Telling the truth
helps the other person
00:22:27.05\00:22:32.09
to heal quickly and effectively.
00:22:32.12\00:22:35.35
If you're caught, add
up, face up, come clean,
00:22:35.38\00:22:40.81
come straight
and tell the truth.
00:22:40.84\00:22:43.03
You will be able to work
through this better and easier
00:22:43.06\00:22:47.64
with your spouse
if you tell the truth.
00:22:47.67\00:22:50.31
Like all other problems
that a couple might face,
00:22:51.10\00:22:54.65
there needs to be a commitment
that we will work through this.
00:22:55.35\00:22:59.32
So both parties, husband
as well as wife, are committed
00:22:59.35\00:23:05.03
to face this as a family
problem or a marital problem,
00:23:05.06\00:23:10.21
and be totally
committed to stay together
00:23:10.24\00:23:13.44
and work it through.
00:23:13.47\00:23:14.83
Explore unresolved issues.
00:23:15.77\00:23:19.76
Sometimes the
reason for your behavior,
00:23:19.79\00:23:24.51
sometimes the reason for
you to be spending time in these
00:23:24.54\00:23:29.81
websites, is because there
are problems in the relationship
00:23:29.84\00:23:34.30
and they are unresolved.
00:23:34.33\00:23:35.82
Explore them, try to
bring about a resolution
00:23:35.85\00:23:39.50
so that you and your spouse
can once more be in harmony
00:23:39.53\00:23:44.08
as God would have you both.
00:23:44.11\00:23:46.18
A good and practical thing
to do is relocate the computer.
00:23:46.89\00:23:52.89
Instead of keeping it in
the study, or in the room
00:23:52.92\00:23:56.41
that it is where you
have privacy, you may want to
00:23:56.44\00:23:59.47
put the
computer in an open space
00:23:59.50\00:24:01.90
where there's
traffic in the house.
00:24:01.93\00:24:04.45
And people are able to
pass by so that you don't feel
00:24:04.48\00:24:09.04
isolated and secluded.
00:24:09.07\00:24:10.76
And therefore,
supported in your problem.
00:24:10.79\00:24:15.59
Listen patiently to each other.
00:24:16.21\00:24:19.47
Realizing that your goal is
to build back God's covenant
00:24:19.50\00:24:24.82
in your marital relationship.
00:24:24.85\00:24:26.49
The covenant has been
broken by your involvement in
00:24:26.52\00:24:29.85
cyberspace infidelity,
and your task is to build back
00:24:29.88\00:24:33.65
that covenantal relationship
00:24:33.68\00:24:35.83
So, I am encouraging
you, talk and listen.
00:24:35.86\00:24:40.52
Don't get an
attitude. Be humble.
00:24:40.55\00:24:44.67
And with that, genuinely
seek your spouse's forgiveness.
00:24:45.31\00:24:49.69
Own and admit the problem.
00:24:49.72\00:24:52.12
And say "Honey" or "Dear" or
whatever you call your spouse,
00:24:52.15\00:24:56.41
"I am willing by God's grace
to face this and to get help. "
00:24:56.44\00:25:01.11
"Please forgive me. "
00:25:01.14\00:25:02.66
And show a genuine
repentance of that behavior.
00:25:02.69\00:25:06.37
Avoid blaming and fault finding.
00:25:07.12\00:25:10.04
It's not going to work.
00:25:10.64\00:25:12.07
If you try to blame,
if you try to find fault,
00:25:12.10\00:25:14.81
it makes the problem worse.
00:25:14.84\00:25:17.27
So what we're
saying, avoid that.
00:25:17.30\00:25:19.70
Work towards a resolution,
but don't play the blame game.
00:25:19.73\00:25:23.55
You might have a
problem that's beyond you.
00:25:24.53\00:25:26.93
So one counsel would
be, be willing to seek
00:25:26.96\00:25:30.65
professional help.
00:25:30.68\00:25:31.73
There are trained
counselors who can help you
00:25:31.76\00:25:35.31
get to the
underlying of this problem.
00:25:35.34\00:25:39.48
And explore what else
might be allowing this behavior.
00:25:39.51\00:25:43.74
Because there might be,
as you mentioned earlier,
00:25:43.77\00:25:46.51
unresolved issues that
you have concerns about.
00:25:46.54\00:25:49.96
And this issue
that we're talking about
00:25:50.65\00:25:52.96
is something that
you have to get in touch
00:25:52.99\00:25:55.18
with your true self about.
00:25:55.21\00:25:57.42
You can't hide.
00:25:57.45\00:25:58.42
Remember, God shall
bring everything to light.
00:25:58.43\00:26:03.31
He shall bring it into
judgment every secret sin.
00:26:03.34\00:26:06.09
Everything, whether it be
good or whether it be evil.
00:26:06.12\00:26:10.02
And the Bible clearly
tells us, be not deceived.
00:26:10.05\00:26:14.15
God is not mocked.
00:26:14.18\00:26:15.61
For whatsoever a person
soweth, that shall he also reap.
00:26:15.64\00:26:19.17
So it's important
for the two individuals
00:26:19.20\00:26:21.54
to be able to work
through this thing.
00:26:21.57\00:26:24.32
And for the guilty party
to be honest with his soul,
00:26:24.35\00:26:28.11
with his family,
and with his God.
00:26:28.14\00:26:30.34
So we're saying, it's not just
a problem with your marriage.
00:26:30.84\00:26:34.12
But it's also a
spiritual problem.
00:26:34.15\00:26:36.24
So it must be addressed and
you must be willing to repent.
00:26:36.27\00:26:40.29
You must be able to ask
for forgiveness of your spouse,
00:26:40.32\00:26:44.03
but also of God.
00:26:44.06\00:26:45.43
Psalm 127:1 must
be remembered again.
00:26:46.29\00:26:49.95
Except the Lord build the house,
00:26:49.98\00:26:52.78
you can't do it on your own.
00:26:52.81\00:26:54.64
If you have done something
that is wrong, go to God.
00:26:54.67\00:26:58.29
He says "He that cometh unto me,
I will in no wise cast out. "
00:26:58.32\00:27:03.12
We have made mistakes.
00:27:03.15\00:27:05.40
We have done things
that have not been right.
00:27:05.43\00:27:08.38
But God is always
willing to forgive.
00:27:08.41\00:27:11.25
So I'm encouraging
you, I'm imploring you,
00:27:11.28\00:27:13.74
if you're involved in
this issue of internet affair,
00:27:13.77\00:27:17.19
Let go, get rid of those sites.
00:27:17.22\00:27:20.51
Do not go back into
any more chat rooms.
00:27:20.54\00:27:23.29
Tell your spouse you're sorry.
00:27:23.32\00:27:25.38
And if your
spouse did not find out,
00:27:25.41\00:27:27.25
but you hear us talking now,
and you know what you're doing,
00:27:27.28\00:27:30.47
then you tell
yourself, "I have to stop. "
00:27:30.50\00:27:33.42
"It's not good for
my soul's salvation. "
00:27:33.45\00:27:36.05
"It's not good for my family. "
00:27:36.08\00:27:37.98
Be strong in the Lord and
trust God to see you to the end.
00:27:38.01\00:27:41.39
May God bless your marriage.
00:27:41.42\00:27:42.86
And may He bless you.
00:27:42.89\00:27:44.36