Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000047
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith. 00:35 And with me is my beautiful wife June Smith. 00:39 June, say "hello" to our friends. 00:42 It is such a delight to be with you today. 00:44 We have a very interesting topic for discussion. 00:48 What wives want husbands to know. 00:52 But before we get into our discussion, we invite you 00:55 to bow with us as we pray. 00:59 Heavenly Father, we thank You for allowing us 01:05 to have families. 01:07 And we pray that You will keep our families. 01:09 And that You will bless our families. 01:13 Help us that we will remember You as Lord and Master 01:19 of our lives and serve You every day. 01:22 In Jesus' name we pray, amen. Amen. 01:29 We spoke already about what men want women to know. 01:35 And so we're doing the sequel to that now. 01:39 What wives want husbands to hear. 01:42 We spoke about what husbands want wives to hear. 01:44 And now we're talking about what wives want husbands to hear. 01:50 Well, what's the first thing you think 01:53 wives want husbands to hear? 01:58 Now we want to underscore that we've had several conversations, 02:02 around the world, in fact, as we do seminars and retreats, 02:07 and we've done surveys with many of these groups. 02:11 And so, much of this information is from the 02:15 feedback we've gotten. 02:16 Do you get some of that from your clinical practice as well? 02:19 And also from the people that I work with 02:22 as they talk about their stories and their concerns. 02:24 And one of the first things that many wives say 02:28 they want from their husbands is for them to share 02:32 in child care responsibilities. For some reason, 02:37 that responsibility falls in the hands of the woman. 02:41 And many times the wife, she is saddled with it alone. 02:46 I can think of a story in the Bible that would speak 02:51 to that very issue you're talking about. 02:54 It's in 2 Kings 4:18-19. I invite you to read with me 03:01 this powerful passage. 03:25 Now, we're listening, tell us what's wrong with this picture. 03:32 Well, it seems to me that here is this child that fell sick 03:35 and the fathers concern was, "take him to your mother. " 03:39 It sounds very common. Men, sometimes don't really, 03:44 if they don't have medical skills, know what to do. 03:48 And so, they would say, "take it to the mother. " 03:50 But I think what concerns me is that 03:53 he didn't accompany the child, as the mother was 03:56 attending to the child. So it just seems like, 03:58 this is your mothers responsibility. 04:00 Go make her do it. 04:03 Instead of saying to the servant "take him to his mother," 04:09 what he should have done, he should have stopped his work, 04:14 dropped everything he's doing, and go to attend to his son. 04:19 He should have registered to that boy that he is 04:23 far more important than his work. 04:26 And that's what you need to do. No matter what you have to do. 04:29 No matter how important you think your work is. 04:32 Your child is more important than your work. 04:36 And there are times when you have to set aside your work 04:39 and go and be there for your child. 04:43 I've seen so many children talk about their parents, 04:47 their father, not there at important transitions. 04:51 You know, their first day on some assigned task. 04:54 Whether it is performing with a school band or 05:00 a basketball game. 05:03 Something significant in their life. 05:06 To the parent it appears that it's just a simple thing 05:08 and the child will have many more. 05:09 But for the child, the one person they want 05:11 in that audience is their dad. 05:14 The second thing that wives want husbands to hear 05:19 is that they are to listen to them. 05:22 Listening is very important. When you listen to a woman, 05:27 it makes a world of difference. 05:30 As a matter of fact, listening is an art. 05:34 It is something that you have to practice to accomplish 05:39 if you don't like to do it. But it's important to listen 05:44 to the woman. 05:45 We're saying, it's not just enough to be in the same space 05:50 with undivided attention and indicate that you're listening. 05:54 When you're listening, you want to give your wife eye attention. 05:59 You want to look her in the eye so she knows 06:01 you're listening to her. 06:03 And then you give her feedback on what she's saying. 06:06 So that she knows they're both communicating. 06:10 Another category of listening is not so much in the context of 06:17 hearing when there's an argument and you pay attention. 06:22 But it's in the context of active listening 06:27 when you're relating an issue and you respond to it. 06:32 I think the Bible best illustrates the point 06:35 I'm trying to make. 06:36 Matthew 27:19. Read with me this text. 07:02 Pilate should have listened to his wife. 07:06 Had he done that, history would have been written differently. 07:11 Yes, Jesus Christ would have been crucified still. 07:14 Because He had to die for us. 07:16 However, Pilate's name would not have to be associated with it 07:20 in that negative form had he listened to his wife. 07:23 And that's the type of listening I'm talking about. 07:27 Where we listen to what our wives are saying, 07:33 and we respond accordingly. 07:36 As I think of listening from a woman's perspective, 07:39 it's not just hearing what the woman said, 07:42 but understanding that sometimes she has a perspective 07:47 that the husband doesn't have. 07:50 And so, when she makes suggestions, what's she's asking 07:57 is to think about, as you listen to her, think about 08:01 what her perspective is. And try to use it as a 08:06 way to influence your decision. So that you get your perspective 08:11 and her perspective, and then do what is in 08:12 the best interest of the family. 08:14 Some people say a woman has a sixth sense. 08:17 I don't know but many times, she sees something that 08:22 the husband may not see. 08:24 Ok, well let's do what we call the listening exercise. 08:31 And we're inviting you to join in. 08:33 What I want you to do, if your spouse is nearby, 08:36 or if your spouse is away, call to your spouse and say, 08:39 "Come on, there's something we need to do here. 08:40 Run, come, hurry. " 08:42 Listen, we want you to talk to your spouse, 08:46 and say something like this, "When you listen to me, 08:50 I feel appreciated. " 08:53 Go ahead, try that. Put it in your own words. 08:56 Whatever it is when your spouse listens to you, 08:58 what that does for you. 09:01 Or, "When you listen to me, I feel attended to. " 09:05 Or, "When you listen to me, it tells me that 09:13 you care about my feelings. " 09:18 "When you listen to me, I feel loved. " 09:23 "When you listen to me, I know you want to work out the issue 09:33 we're talking about. " 09:34 As so, those are just examples that we like you to talk 09:40 with each other and share what listening does for you. 09:46 Now, we have spoken several times about resolving issues. 09:52 And this is one of the things a lot of women have pointed out. 09:56 Do not allow problems to continue and to grow. 10:01 And what that is saying, is that some husbands 10:05 tend to carry grudges. 10:08 So that if there's a concern, instead of trying to resolve 10:13 the problem as it is now, they would get upset and feud, 10:19 as it were, for awhile. 10:21 And some women might equally respond that way. 10:24 But most women like to address the issue and move on. 10:29 Silence does not settle the issue. 10:32 Going away and spending the day at your work 10:36 and coming back home does not resolve the issue. 10:40 You need to sit, talk, and try to work towards a resolution. 10:45 And part of that process is, learn to listen. 10:49 It's important. 10:51 Affection. 10:53 Women are saying, what wives are saying to their husbands, 10:57 show affection consistently. 11:01 Affection is not a nocturnal thing. 11:03 Affection is something that should be shown consistently. 11:08 And consistently in context of the woman's perspective 11:11 is as you said, it should not only be when you 11:15 want to engage her in intimacy, or an intimate act. 11:19 But the relationship should be loving and the display of 11:24 affection should be appropriately done 11:27 on a continual basis. So when you wake up, 11:31 you show affection in a way that she knows you are saying, 11:38 "Honey, I'm so glad you're alive. " 11:40 Or when you're leaving for work, you give her a big embrace 11:44 and you give her a big kiss, and you say "Have a great day. " 11:48 However you do it. 11:49 The reality is you want to show affection. 11:51 You check during the day to see how she's doing. 11:54 You find a way at the end of the day to then reflect on 11:57 how your day went. So you're constantly 11:59 attending to each other. 12:02 And showing affection as you rightly say, 12:06 it comes in many ways. 12:08 It's giving, it's being sympathetic or empathetic. 12:14 I heard a lady express it, it was very painful to listen 12:17 to her, she said the work she does, she stands on her feet 12:22 through our the day working. And this particular day, 12:24 she came home and her feet were swollen and very tired. 12:28 And she turned to her husband, she was lying in bed and 12:31 couldn't sleep because of the aching feet. 12:35 So she turned to her husband and she said, 12:37 "Could you please give my feet a massage?" 12:42 And he turned to her and he said, "I don't feel like giving 12:45 any massage now. " And he rolled over 12:50 and went off into sleep. 12:52 That was certainly not sensitive to her need. 12:55 So what women are asking for is affection. 13:00 And make it consistent. 13:02 The consistency is important because every now and then, 13:05 we're showing affection. 13:06 But they're saying, "We would like you to do it 13:09 on a more consistent basis. " 13:12 We have a number of things we want to talk about. 13:14 We are talking about what wives want husbands to know. 13:17 And we have some more things here. 13:20 You wives, you stay right there. 13:21 You husbands, we want you to listen. 13:23 Please stay right where you are because we'll be right back. 13:28 We're just going to take a short break. 13:41 There are many "How To" books available. 13:43 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:46 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:48 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:52 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:55 newly-weds, couples in their golden years, 13:58 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy. 14:16 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:20 We have been talking about what wives want husbands to hear. 14:25 And here in the studio is my lovely wife, June. 14:30 We have put together a collection of what we have 14:33 heard from these wives as we travel around the world. 14:36 And also in our own family practice. 14:40 So let's continue sharing. 14:42 What's the next one you have to share? 14:45 One of the sensitive issues, but really important is 14:51 paying attention to personal hygiene. 14:55 Men are workers and they are usually 15:00 involved in physical activities. 15:02 And sometimes they are exhausted at the end of their day. 15:08 And may not necessarily want to pay attention to their 15:12 person hygiene as they should. 15:15 Some may choose to take a shower in the morning. 15:17 And the ladies are saying it would be better to 15:19 take a shower before going to bed. 15:23 I have heard ladies express the need for using mouthwash. 15:28 I have heard ladies express the need for using deodorant. 15:33 All we're saying is often, frequently, ladies say that 15:39 they would like men to pay attention to personal hygiene. 15:46 And of course, what can we say. 15:49 It is said, cleanliness is Godliness. 15:53 And that's exactly what we're talking about here. 15:58 Shared business transactions is another concern that women have. 16:04 Many times, husbands will take responsibility for 16:09 what needs to happen in the home in terms of the way 16:12 the business structure is set up. 16:14 But some husbands really don't include their wives. 16:18 And so, the wives have very little knowledge 16:20 of what is going on. 16:22 And they have a need, God forbid something were to 16:25 happen to some husbands, the wives wouldn't know where to go 16:30 and what to do. 16:31 My dad passed away many years now. 16:39 And I'll never forget, a gentleman in our community 16:44 came to my mom and said my dad was owing him some lumber. 16:50 My father was a builder. 16:52 And that my dad had borrowed some lumber from him and 16:56 he wanted them back. 16:58 But because of the relationship between my mom and my dad, 17:02 where they shared everything and they talked about 17:04 these kinds of stuff, my mom was able to look the gentleman 17:09 in the eye and said, "Listen, every transaction that my 17:12 husband enters into, he discusses it with me. 17:15 So if he had borrowed lumber from you, 17:17 certainly I would know about it. " 17:19 And you know something, the gentleman didn't protest. 17:22 He turned around and he walked back out of the house. 17:25 He was trying to extort her because she's now a widow. 17:31 But it was a good thing that my dad 17:35 was the dad who shared with her. 17:38 And that's what we are talking about. 17:40 Sometimes there are secret transactions 17:43 that husbands get into. 17:45 It could be that they think, well, they don't want to 17:47 burden their wives with the information. 17:48 Or whatever the rationale is. 17:50 The reality is, wives need to know what is going on 17:54 in your financial world. 17:56 And husbands should discuss this with them. 18:01 Making adequate financial provision for the family 18:07 is important. 18:09 It is your responsibility, men, to see to it that your home, 18:15 your family is adequately cared for. 18:19 That's part of your God given responsibility. 18:23 And you're to make provision. You're to say to yourself, 18:27 "God forbid, if I should pass on, what will happen 18:33 to my family?" 18:34 What will happen to your family? 18:36 Ask yourself that question and re-examine 18:40 all the provisions that you have put down, 18:43 and see if things are really in place. 18:46 And sit down, talk with your spouse. 18:49 Share with her and plan together. 18:53 But yes, wives are saying that they want their husbands 18:57 to make adequate plans in these areas. 19:01 We're saying there should be mutual exchange 19:03 of information in the relationship. 19:05 And it's not enough for the husband to do a good job 19:09 and exclude his wife from that information. 19:13 It's a part of the security that she gets. 19:15 And she needs to know that the family is adequately cared for. 19:20 And that the business transactions are 19:23 honest and mutually agreed on. 19:29 When we were talking about what husbands want wives to know, 19:31 we said that husbands want wives to be specific. 19:36 Now we are talking about what wives want husbands to hear. 19:41 And the wives are saying that they want them to notice 19:46 the little extra things that they do for them. 19:49 The little extra things that they do for them. 19:52 Many times, wives go the extra mile. 19:57 And if they're not careful, they almost care for their 20:00 husbands like they're caring for their sons. 20:02 And sometimes, husbands don't necessarily show gratification 20:08 or appreciation for these things. 20:10 They almost take it for granted. 20:11 So wives are saying, "Say thank you. " 20:15 Say, "What you did last week when you picked up my 20:19 coats at the laundry or when you fixed my favorite dish, 20:25 I really appreciated that. " 20:27 Fixed my favorite dish... 20:30 You have a way, there are certain things that I like. 20:34 You're an excellent cook, and I thank God for that. 20:38 But you just know there's something that I love. 20:42 It's called Noodle Pudding. I'm not going to go into the 20:45 recipe of that, but it's just something I love. 20:48 And Honey knows when to fix it for me. 20:52 And every time she fixes that dish, she's accustomed to 20:57 hear me telling her "thanks" and show appreciation. 21:01 But anytime she fixes that meal, that appreciation and that 21:06 "thank you" is bigger and better, because I just love 21:09 when you do that for me. 21:10 Thank you. 21:11 And that's what we're saying. 21:13 Don't take it for granted even though you might say, 21:16 "This is the role she's playing in the family and this is what 21:19 she should be doing. " 21:20 The reality is, you want to appreciate it and you want to 21:23 say "thank you" for the things that she spends her time doing. 21:28 Women are asking men, wives want husbands to know 21:33 that they're to admire them and they are to affirm them. 21:38 Admiration and affirmation goes a long way for women. 21:44 It's not enough to say, "Well, I've been married to you, 21:46 I pay the bills, I take care of things around the house. 21:49 "What else do you want from me. " 21:51 You're my lover. You are my intimate partner. 21:55 You need to verbally affirm me. 21:59 And so, women are saying they want to hear from you 22:03 "I love you" or "You are such a gift in my life. " 22:08 Something that allows them to feel valued. 22:12 Well, I just love that blouse you have on. 22:18 It's very beautiful and I like it. 22:21 It looks good on you. 22:23 Thank you. 22:24 And I love your smile. It melts my heart. 22:31 The idea is, you want to affirm each other. 22:32 Find something pleasant to say to lift the spirit. 22:36 And to get each other feeling good about the relationship. 22:40 On a serious note, one of the ugly arguments that I heard 22:46 between two colleague's happened at a wedding. 22:51 The husband saw a former friend or an old schoolmate. 22:58 And just began to admire the way she looked 23:03 and the dress she had on. And he was ranting and raving 23:07 over how beautiful she was. And was just going on. 23:11 And after the lady left, the wife took an offense to that. 23:17 And she said, "You know, imagine, here I am. 23:20 I have this brand new dress. I went to the hairdresser 23:23 and I did my hair and I put myself together 23:26 for this wedding. And when I was in the home, 23:28 you never said I look good. When I left, here we are 23:31 at the wedding and you never once look at me and say 23:34 I look good. But now you see this lady 23:37 and you're willing and ready to tell her 23:39 how gorgeous she looks. " Etc, etc. 23:42 And she really threw a fit on that one. 23:47 Now it seems quite appropriate that the husband could 23:50 appreciate the look of somebody else. 23:53 But the problem was he didn't take the time to value or 23:57 appreciate the way his wife looked. 23:58 Precisely. 23:59 So what we are saying men is you don't want to do that. 24:02 You want to underscore, you want to make sure 24:04 that you give the flowers while your wife is alive. 24:07 And you want to say, "Honey, you look really dashing. " 24:13 What wives want husbands to hear. 24:15 That's what we're talking about. 24:16 And they're saying, don't lust after other women. 24:23 We're in an age where a lot of lusting and flirting goes on. 24:30 And it's important for me to speak to you on this matter. 24:36 Because many homes have been destroyed as a result of this. 24:41 So, what wives are asking is for you not to lust 24:45 after other women. When we spoke about 24:47 what husbands want, we mentioned this, we spoke about this also. 24:51 Because it's a symbiotic issue. It's on both sides. 24:54 But now we are speaking to the men, 24:56 don't lust after other women. 24:59 Now we're not saying that husbands cannot have a friend. 25:04 Or speak to another woman. 25:07 But it needs to be a very platonic relationship. 25:11 And it shouldn't be that he's getting any kind of 25:13 senses gratification from the attention he gets or he seeks. 25:17 Because it dishonors his wife and it creates a threat 25:20 to her emotional security. 25:22 A wife wants to know and to feel secure in her relationship. 25:26 And while it is a cognitive process, it also is supported by 25:30 the behavior of the husband. 25:32 So if he's flirtatious, then it unnerves her 25:35 and creates concerns. 25:38 Let's take a look at the Word of God. 25:40 Let's go to Matthew 5:28. Let's read together. 26:02 The Bible is very clear, we need not comment on that. 26:07 We have been talking about what wives want husbands to hear. 26:11 And we have said: 26:13 Share childcare responsibility. 26:16 Listen to them. 26:17 Do not allow problems to continue and not be resolved. 26:25 Show affection consistently. 26:27 Share in their business transactions. 26:30 Notice the little extra things they do for them. 26:34 They like to be admired and affirmed. 26:38 Don't lust after other women. 26:41 The final point we'd like to make is, 26:44 wives are asking husbands to be God-centered. 26:48 To make sure that they're not just wearing 26:53 the label "high priest", but that they are sustaining 26:57 a spiritual and religious experience. 27:00 So that they can truly be the "high priest" in their homes. 27:07 Ephesians 4:32 says, 27:10 "Be kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another" 27:17 While we talk about what we want each other to know, 27:20 It is most important to know what God wants from us. 27:25 And that is, God wants us to surrender our hearts. 27:28 Marriage in God's hands is the most essential 27:33 and important ingredient in our society. 27:36 May God bless your marriage. 27:37 May you continue to put it in His hands. 27:40 Husbands, love your wives. 27:42 Wives, love your husbands. 27:44 And may God bless you both. |
Revised 2014-12-17