Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith.
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And with me is my
beautiful wife June Smith.
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June, say
"hello" to our friends.
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It is such a delight
to be with you today.
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We have a very interesting
topic for discussion.
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What wives want
husbands to know.
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But before we get into
our discussion, we invite you
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to bow with us as we pray.
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Heavenly Father, we
thank You for allowing us
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to have families.
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And we pray that You
will keep our families.
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And that You will
bless our families.
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Help us that we will
remember You as Lord and Master
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of our lives and
serve You every day.
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In Jesus' name
we pray, amen. Amen.
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We spoke already about
what men want women to know.
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And so we're doing
the sequel to that now.
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What wives want
husbands to hear.
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We spoke about what
husbands want wives to hear.
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And now we're talking about what
wives want husbands to hear.
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Well, what's the
first thing you think
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wives want husbands to hear?
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Now we want to underscore that
we've had several conversations,
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around the world, in fact,
as we do seminars and retreats,
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and we've done surveys
with many of these groups.
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And so, much of this
information is from the
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feedback we've gotten.
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Do you get some of that from
your clinical practice as well?
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And also from the
people that I work with
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as they talk about their
stories and their concerns.
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And one of the first
things that many wives say
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they want from their
husbands is for them to share
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in child care responsibilities.
For some reason,
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that responsibility falls
in the hands of the woman.
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And many times the wife,
she is saddled with it alone.
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I can think of a story in
the Bible that would speak
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to that very issue
you're talking about.
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It's in 2 Kings 4:18-19.
I invite you to read with me
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this powerful passage.
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Now, we're listening, tell us
what's wrong with this picture.
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Well, it seems to me that here
is this child that fell sick
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and the fathers concern
was, "take him to your mother. "
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It sounds very common.
Men, sometimes don't really,
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if they don't have
medical skills, know what to do.
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And so, they would say,
"take it to the mother. "
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But I think what
concerns me is that
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he didn't accompany the
child, as the mother was
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attending to the
child. So it just seems like,
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this is your
mothers responsibility.
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Go make her do it.
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Instead of saying to the servant
"take him to his mother,"
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what he should have done, he
should have stopped his work,
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dropped everything he's doing,
and go to attend to his son.
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He should have registered
to that boy that he is
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far more
important than his work.
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And that's what you need to do.
No matter what you have to do.
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No matter how important
you think your work is.
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Your child is more
important than your work.
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And there are times when
you have to set aside your work
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and go and be
there for your child.
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I've seen so many children
talk about their parents,
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their father, not there
at important transitions.
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You know, their first
day on some assigned task.
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Whether it is
performing with a school band or
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a basketball game.
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Something
significant in their life.
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To the parent it appears
that it's just a simple thing
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and the child
will have many more.
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But for the child,
the one person they want
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in that audience is their dad.
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The second thing that
wives want husbands to hear
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is that they are
to listen to them.
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Listening is very important.
When you listen to a woman,
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it makes a world of difference.
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As a matter of
fact, listening is an art.
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It is something that you
have to practice to accomplish
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if you don't like to do it.
But it's important to listen
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to the woman.
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We're saying, it's not just
enough to be in the same space
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with undivided attention and
indicate that you're listening.
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When you're listening, you want
to give your wife eye attention.
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You want to look her
in the eye so she knows
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you're listening to her.
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And then you give her
feedback on what she's saying.
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So that she knows
they're both communicating.
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Another category of listening
is not so much in the context of
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hearing when there's an
argument and you pay attention.
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But it's in the
context of active listening
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when you're relating an
issue and you respond to it.
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I think the Bible
best illustrates the point
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I'm trying to make.
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Matthew 27:19.
Read with me this text.
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Pilate should have
listened to his wife.
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Had he done that, history would
have been written differently.
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Yes, Jesus Christ would
have been crucified still.
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Because He had to die for us.
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However, Pilate's name would not
have to be associated with it
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in that negative form
had he listened to his wife.
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And that's the type of
listening I'm talking about.
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Where we listen to
what our wives are saying,
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and we respond accordingly.
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As I think of listening
from a woman's perspective,
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it's not just
hearing what the woman said,
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but understanding that
sometimes she has a perspective
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that the husband doesn't have.
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And so, when she makes
suggestions, what's she's asking
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is to think about, as you
listen to her, think about
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what her perspective
is. And try to use it as a
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way to influence your decision.
So that you get your perspective
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and her perspective,
and then do what is in
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the best interest of the family.
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Some people say a
woman has a sixth sense.
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I don't know but many
times, she sees something that
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the husband may not see.
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Ok, well let's do what we
call the listening exercise.
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And we're
inviting you to join in.
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What I want you to do,
if your spouse is nearby,
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or if your spouse is away,
call to your spouse and say,
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"Come on, there's
something we need to do here.
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Run, come, hurry. "
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Listen, we want you
to talk to your spouse,
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and say something like
this, "When you listen to me,
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I feel appreciated. "
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Go ahead, try that.
Put it in your own words.
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Whatever it is when
your spouse listens to you,
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what that does for you.
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Or, "When you listen to
me, I feel attended to. "
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Or, "When you listen
to me, it tells me that
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you care about my feelings. "
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"When you listen
to me, I feel loved. "
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"When you listen to me, I know
you want to work out the issue
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we're talking about. "
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As so, those are just examples
that we like you to talk
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with each other and share
what listening does for you.
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Now, we have spoken several
times about resolving issues.
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And this is one of the things
a lot of women have pointed out.
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Do not allow problems
to continue and to grow.
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And what that is
saying, is that some husbands
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tend to carry grudges.
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So that if there's a concern,
instead of trying to resolve
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the problem as it is now,
they would get upset and feud,
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as it were, for awhile.
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And some women might
equally respond that way.
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But most women like to
address the issue and move on.
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Silence does not
settle the issue.
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Going away and
spending the day at your work
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and coming back home
does not resolve the issue.
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You need to sit, talk, and try
to work towards a resolution.
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And part of that
process is, learn to listen.
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It's important.
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Affection.
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Women are saying, what wives
are saying to their husbands,
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show affection consistently.
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Affection is not
a nocturnal thing.
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Affection is something that
should be shown consistently.
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And consistently in context
of the woman's perspective
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is as you said, it
should not only be when you
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want to engage her in
intimacy, or an intimate act.
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But the relationship should
be loving and the display of
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affection should
be appropriately done
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on a continual
basis. So when you wake up,
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you show affection in a way
that she knows you are saying,
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"Honey, I'm so
glad you're alive. "
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Or when you're leaving for
work, you give her a big embrace
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and you give her a big kiss,
and you say "Have a great day. "
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However you do it.
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The reality is you
want to show affection.
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You check during the
day to see how she's doing.
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You find a way at the end
of the day to then reflect on
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how your day went.
So you're constantly
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attending to each other.
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And showing
affection as you rightly say,
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it comes in many ways.
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It's giving, it's being
sympathetic or empathetic.
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I heard a lady express it,
it was very painful to listen
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to her, she said the work
she does, she stands on her feet
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through our the day working.
And this particular day,
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she came home and her feet
were swollen and very tired.
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And she turned to her husband,
she was lying in bed and
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couldn't sleep
because of the aching feet.
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So she turned to her
husband and she said,
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"Could you please
give my feet a massage?"
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And he turned to her and he
said, "I don't feel like giving
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any massage now.
" And he rolled over
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and went off into sleep.
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That was certainly
not sensitive to her need.
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So what women are
asking for is affection.
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And make it consistent.
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The consistency is important
because every now and then,
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we're showing affection.
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But they're saying,
"We would like you to do it
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on a more consistent basis. "
00:13:09.94\00:13:12.08
We have a number of
things we want to talk about.
00:13:12.11\00:13:14.25
We are talking about what
wives want husbands to know.
00:13:14.28\00:13:17.85
And we have some
more things here.
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You wives, you stay right there.
00:13:20.12\00:13:21.83
You husbands, we
want you to listen.
00:13:21.86\00:13:23.89
Please stay right where you
are because we'll be right back.
00:13:23.92\00:13:28.52
We're just going
to take a short break.
00:13:28.55\00:13:30.55
There are many "How
To" books available.
00:13:41.07\00:13:43.07
But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:43.10\00:13:46.28
How You Can Build
A Better Marriage.
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is given in a light-hearted,
00:13:48.68\00:13:52.62
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
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newly-weds, couples
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00:13:55.49\00:13:58.29
and everyone in between.
Call or write for your copy.
00:13:58.32\00:14:00.32
Welcome back to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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We have been talking about what
wives want husbands to hear.
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And here in the studio
is my lovely wife, June.
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We have put together a
collection of what we have
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heard from these wives as
we travel around the world.
00:14:33.87\00:14:36.90
And also in our
own family practice.
00:14:36.93\00:14:40.35
So let's continue sharing.
00:14:40.38\00:14:42.69
What's the next
one you have to share?
00:14:42.72\00:14:45.34
One of the sensitive
issues, but really important is
00:14:45.74\00:14:51.48
paying attention
to personal hygiene.
00:14:51.51\00:14:54.55
Men are workers
and they are usually
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involved in physical activities.
00:15:00.08\00:15:02.67
And sometimes they are exhausted
at the end of their day.
00:15:02.70\00:15:08.73
And may not necessarily
want to pay attention to their
00:15:08.76\00:15:12.72
person hygiene as they should.
00:15:12.75\00:15:14.56
Some may choose to take
a shower in the morning.
00:15:15.49\00:15:17.20
And the ladies are
saying it would be better to
00:15:17.23\00:15:19.52
take a shower
before going to bed.
00:15:19.55\00:15:22.35
I have heard ladies express
the need for using mouthwash.
00:15:23.93\00:15:28.85
I have heard ladies express
the need for using deodorant.
00:15:28.88\00:15:33.19
All we're saying is often,
frequently, ladies say that
00:15:33.22\00:15:39.37
they would like men to pay
attention to personal hygiene.
00:15:39.40\00:15:46.45
And of course, what can we say.
00:15:46.48\00:15:49.64
It is said,
cleanliness is Godliness.
00:15:49.67\00:15:53.87
And that's exactly what
we're talking about here.
00:15:53.90\00:15:57.19
Shared business transactions is
another concern that women have.
00:15:58.52\00:16:04.60
Many times, husbands
will take responsibility for
00:16:04.63\00:16:09.86
what needs to happen in
the home in terms of the way
00:16:09.89\00:16:12.73
the business
structure is set up.
00:16:12.76\00:16:14.80
But some husbands really
don't include their wives.
00:16:14.83\00:16:18.16
And so, the wives
have very little knowledge
00:16:18.19\00:16:20.96
of what is going on.
00:16:20.99\00:16:22.54
And they have a need,
God forbid something were to
00:16:22.57\00:16:25.92
happen to some husbands, the
wives wouldn't know where to go
00:16:25.95\00:16:30.02
and what to do.
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My dad passed
away many years now.
00:16:31.70\00:16:38.26
And I'll never forget, a
gentleman in our community
00:16:39.37\00:16:44.14
came to my mom and said my
dad was owing him some lumber.
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My father was a builder.
00:16:50.96\00:16:52.51
And that my dad had borrowed
some lumber from him and
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he wanted them back.
00:16:56.96\00:16:58.33
But because of the relationship
between my mom and my dad,
00:16:58.36\00:17:02.49
where they shared
everything and they talked about
00:17:02.52\00:17:04.96
these kinds of stuff, my mom
was able to look the gentleman
00:17:04.99\00:17:08.97
in the eye and said, "Listen,
every transaction that my
00:17:09.00\00:17:12.46
husband enters into,
he discusses it with me.
00:17:12.49\00:17:15.63
So if he had
borrowed lumber from you,
00:17:15.66\00:17:17.75
certainly I
would know about it. "
00:17:17.78\00:17:19.84
And you know something,
the gentleman didn't protest.
00:17:19.87\00:17:22.58
He turned around and he
walked back out of the house.
00:17:22.61\00:17:25.13
He was trying to extort
her because she's now a widow.
00:17:25.16\00:17:31.93
But it was a
good thing that my dad
00:17:31.96\00:17:35.78
was the dad who shared with her.
00:17:35.81\00:17:38.21
And that's what
we are talking about.
00:17:38.24\00:17:39.62
Sometimes there
are secret transactions
00:17:40.58\00:17:43.56
that husbands get into.
00:17:43.59\00:17:44.82
It could be that they
think, well, they don't want to
00:17:45.22\00:17:47.41
burden their wives
with the information.
00:17:47.44\00:17:48.71
Or whatever the rationale is.
00:17:48.74\00:17:50.22
The reality is, wives
need to know what is going on
00:17:50.25\00:17:54.75
in your financial world.
00:17:54.78\00:17:56.20
And husbands should
discuss this with them.
00:17:56.23\00:18:00.16
Making adequate financial
provision for the family
00:18:01.09\00:18:07.23
is important.
00:18:07.26\00:18:09.48
It is your responsibility, men,
to see to it that your home,
00:18:09.51\00:18:15.82
your family is
adequately cared for.
00:18:15.85\00:18:19.46
That's part of your
God given responsibility.
00:18:19.49\00:18:23.50
And you're to make provision.
You're to say to yourself,
00:18:23.53\00:18:27.09
"God forbid, if I should
pass on, what will happen
00:18:27.12\00:18:32.97
to my family?"
00:18:33.00\00:18:34.26
What will happen to your family?
00:18:34.29\00:18:36.05
Ask yourself that
question and re-examine
00:18:36.08\00:18:40.35
all the provisions
that you have put down,
00:18:40.38\00:18:43.02
and see if things
are really in place.
00:18:43.05\00:18:46.68
And sit down,
talk with your spouse.
00:18:46.71\00:18:49.91
Share with her
and plan together.
00:18:49.94\00:18:53.71
But yes, wives are saying
that they want their husbands
00:18:53.74\00:18:57.43
to make adequate
plans in these areas.
00:18:57.46\00:19:01.28
We're saying there
should be mutual exchange
00:19:01.69\00:19:03.55
of information
in the relationship.
00:19:03.58\00:19:05.62
And it's not enough for
the husband to do a good job
00:19:05.65\00:19:09.66
and exclude his wife
from that information.
00:19:09.69\00:19:12.99
It's a part of the
security that she gets.
00:19:13.02\00:19:15.67
And she needs to know that the
family is adequately cared for.
00:19:15.70\00:19:20.07
And that the
business transactions are
00:19:20.10\00:19:23.77
honest and mutually agreed on.
00:19:23.80\00:19:28.37
When we were talking about what
husbands want wives to know,
00:19:29.15\00:19:31.70
we said that husbands
want wives to be specific.
00:19:31.73\00:19:36.55
Now we are talking about what
wives want husbands to hear.
00:19:36.58\00:19:41.25
And the wives are saying
that they want them to notice
00:19:41.28\00:19:46.41
the little extra
things that they do for them.
00:19:46.44\00:19:49.47
The little extra
things that they do for them.
00:19:49.50\00:19:52.33
Many times, wives
go the extra mile.
00:19:52.36\00:19:57.38
And if they're not careful,
they almost care for their
00:19:57.41\00:20:00.71
husbands like they're
caring for their sons.
00:20:00.74\00:20:02.14
And sometimes, husbands don't
necessarily show gratification
00:20:02.17\00:20:08.11
or appreciation
for these things.
00:20:08.14\00:20:10.18
They almost take it for granted.
00:20:10.21\00:20:11.77
So wives are
saying, "Say thank you. "
00:20:11.80\00:20:14.99
Say, "What you did last
week when you picked up my
00:20:15.02\00:20:19.71
coats at the laundry or
when you fixed my favorite dish,
00:20:19.74\00:20:25.22
I really appreciated that. "
00:20:25.25\00:20:27.31
Fixed my favorite dish...
00:20:27.95\00:20:29.85
You have a way, there are
certain things that I like.
00:20:30.73\00:20:34.37
You're an excellent
cook, and I thank God for that.
00:20:34.40\00:20:38.58
But you just know
there's something that I love.
00:20:38.61\00:20:42.32
It's called Noodle Pudding.
I'm not going to go into the
00:20:42.35\00:20:45.88
recipe of that, but
it's just something I love.
00:20:45.91\00:20:48.54
And Honey knows
when to fix it for me.
00:20:48.57\00:20:52.08
And every time she fixes
that dish, she's accustomed to
00:20:52.11\00:20:57.49
hear me telling her
"thanks" and show appreciation.
00:20:57.52\00:21:01.87
But anytime she fixes that
meal, that appreciation and that
00:21:01.90\00:21:06.25
"thank you" is bigger and
better, because I just love
00:21:06.28\00:21:09.69
when you do that for me.
00:21:09.72\00:21:10.85
Thank you.
00:21:10.88\00:21:11.85
And that's what we're saying.
00:21:11.86\00:21:12.91
Don't take it for granted
even though you might say,
00:21:12.94\00:21:16.78
"This is the role she's playing
in the family and this is what
00:21:16.81\00:21:19.49
she should be doing. "
00:21:19.52\00:21:20.49
The reality is, you want to
appreciate it and you want to
00:21:20.50\00:21:23.53
say "thank you" for the things
that she spends her time doing.
00:21:23.56\00:21:27.29
Women are asking men,
wives want husbands to know
00:21:28.02\00:21:33.03
that they're to admire them
and they are to affirm them.
00:21:33.06\00:21:38.70
Admiration and affirmation
goes a long way for women.
00:21:38.73\00:21:44.07
It's not enough to say,
"Well, I've been married to you,
00:21:44.77\00:21:46.56
I pay the bills, I take
care of things around the house.
00:21:46.59\00:21:49.66
"What else do
you want from me. "
00:21:49.69\00:21:51.04
You're my lover. You
are my intimate partner.
00:21:51.07\00:21:55.79
You need to verbally affirm me.
00:21:55.82\00:21:59.69
And so, women are saying
they want to hear from you
00:21:59.72\00:22:03.16
"I love you" or "You are
such a gift in my life. "
00:22:03.19\00:22:08.03
Something that
allows them to feel valued.
00:22:08.06\00:22:11.56
Well, I just love
that blouse you have on.
00:22:12.77\00:22:18.23
It's very
beautiful and I like it.
00:22:18.26\00:22:21.54
It looks good on you.
00:22:21.57\00:22:23.49
Thank you.
00:22:23.59\00:22:24.85
And I love your
smile. It melts my heart.
00:22:24.88\00:22:27.95
The idea is, you
want to affirm each other.
00:22:31.28\00:22:32.92
Find something pleasant
to say to lift the spirit.
00:22:32.95\00:22:36.19
And to get each other feeling
good about the relationship.
00:22:36.22\00:22:40.32
On a serious note, one of
the ugly arguments that I heard
00:22:40.87\00:22:46.69
between two colleague's
happened at a wedding.
00:22:46.72\00:22:51.73
The husband saw a former
friend or an old schoolmate.
00:22:51.76\00:22:58.43
And just began to
admire the way she looked
00:22:58.46\00:23:03.32
and the dress she had on.
And he was ranting and raving
00:23:03.35\00:23:07.72
over how beautiful she
was. And was just going on.
00:23:07.75\00:23:11.06
And after the lady left, the
wife took an offense to that.
00:23:11.09\00:23:17.55
And she said, "You
know, imagine, here I am.
00:23:17.58\00:23:20.39
I have this brand new
dress. I went to the hairdresser
00:23:20.42\00:23:23.84
and I did my hair
and I put myself together
00:23:23.87\00:23:26.14
for this wedding. And
when I was in the home,
00:23:26.17\00:23:28.88
you never said I look
good. When I left, here we are
00:23:28.91\00:23:31.71
at the wedding and you
never once look at me and say
00:23:31.74\00:23:34.40
I look good. But
now you see this lady
00:23:34.43\00:23:37.34
and you're willing
and ready to tell her
00:23:37.37\00:23:39.86
how gorgeous she
looks. " Etc, etc.
00:23:39.89\00:23:42.38
And she really
threw a fit on that one.
00:23:42.41\00:23:47.27
Now it seems quite appropriate
that the husband could
00:23:47.30\00:23:50.34
appreciate the
look of somebody else.
00:23:50.37\00:23:53.05
But the problem was he
didn't take the time to value or
00:23:53.65\00:23:57.08
appreciate the
way his wife looked.
00:23:57.11\00:23:58.77
Precisely.
00:23:58.80\00:23:59.77
So what we are saying men
is you don't want to do that.
00:23:59.78\00:24:01.98
You want to underscore,
you want to make sure
00:24:02.01\00:24:04.60
that you give the flowers
while your wife is alive.
00:24:04.63\00:24:07.82
And you want to say, "Honey,
you look really dashing. "
00:24:07.85\00:24:11.96
What wives want
husbands to hear.
00:24:13.30\00:24:15.10
That's what we're talking about.
00:24:15.13\00:24:16.35
And they're saying,
don't lust after other women.
00:24:16.38\00:24:23.39
We're in an age where a lot
of lusting and flirting goes on.
00:24:23.42\00:24:30.77
And it's important for me
to speak to you on this matter.
00:24:30.80\00:24:36.80
Because many homes have been
destroyed as a result of this.
00:24:36.83\00:24:41.46
So, what wives are
asking is for you not to lust
00:24:41.49\00:24:45.87
after other women.
When we spoke about
00:24:45.90\00:24:47.82
what husbands want, we mentioned
this, we spoke about this also.
00:24:47.85\00:24:51.02
Because it's a symbiotic
issue. It's on both sides.
00:24:51.05\00:24:54.33
But now we are
speaking to the men,
00:24:54.36\00:24:56.14
don't lust after other women.
00:24:56.17\00:24:59.03
Now we're not saying that
husbands cannot have a friend.
00:24:59.06\00:25:04.28
Or speak to another woman.
00:25:04.31\00:25:07.71
But it needs to be a
very platonic relationship.
00:25:07.74\00:25:11.00
And it shouldn't be
that he's getting any kind of
00:25:11.03\00:25:13.36
senses gratification from the
attention he gets or he seeks.
00:25:13.39\00:25:17.73
Because it dishonors his
wife and it creates a threat
00:25:17.76\00:25:20.90
to her emotional security.
00:25:20.93\00:25:22.70
A wife wants to know and to
feel secure in her relationship.
00:25:22.73\00:25:26.52
And while it is a cognitive
process, it also is supported by
00:25:26.55\00:25:30.68
the behavior of the husband.
00:25:30.71\00:25:32.59
So if he's flirtatious,
then it unnerves her
00:25:32.62\00:25:35.75
and creates concerns.
00:25:35.78\00:25:38.02
Let's take a look
at the Word of God.
00:25:38.43\00:25:40.47
Let's go to Matthew
5:28. Let's read together.
00:25:40.50\00:25:45.65
The Bible is very clear,
we need not comment on that.
00:26:02.74\00:26:06.96
We have been talking about what
wives want husbands to hear.
00:26:07.26\00:26:11.85
And we have said:
00:26:11.88\00:26:13.43
Share childcare responsibility.
00:26:13.46\00:26:16.27
Listen to them.
00:26:16.30\00:26:17.96
Do not allow problems to
continue and not be resolved.
00:26:17.99\00:26:24.98
Show affection consistently.
00:26:25.01\00:26:27.59
Share in their
business transactions.
00:26:27.62\00:26:30.91
Notice the little extra
things they do for them.
00:26:30.94\00:26:34.34
They like to be
admired and affirmed.
00:26:34.37\00:26:38.48
Don't lust after other women.
00:26:38.51\00:26:41.09
The final point
we'd like to make is,
00:26:41.79\00:26:44.53
wives are asking
husbands to be God-centered.
00:26:44.56\00:26:48.84
To make sure that
they're not just wearing
00:26:48.87\00:26:53.45
the label "high priest",
but that they are sustaining
00:26:53.48\00:26:57.78
a spiritual and
religious experience.
00:26:57.81\00:27:00.53
So that they can truly be the
"high priest" in their homes.
00:27:00.56\00:27:06.43
Ephesians 4:32 says,
00:27:07.03\00:27:10.16
"Be kind one to another, tender
hearted, forgiving one another"
00:27:10.19\00:27:17.44
While we talk about what
we want each other to know,
00:27:17.47\00:27:20.95
It is most important to
know what God wants from us.
00:27:20.98\00:27:25.02
And that is, God wants
us to surrender our hearts.
00:27:25.05\00:27:28.85
Marriage in God's
hands is the most essential
00:27:28.88\00:27:33.16
and important
ingredient in our society.
00:27:33.19\00:27:36.00
May God bless your marriage.
00:27:36.03\00:27:37.64
May you continue to
put it in His hands.
00:27:37.67\00:27:40.57
Husbands, love your wives.
00:27:40.60\00:27:42.20
Wives, love your husbands.
00:27:42.23\00:27:44.27
And may God bless you both.
00:27:44.30\00:27:46.11