Participants: June Smith, Alanzo Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000046
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I am Alanzo Smith, and this is my wife June Smith. 00:37 We have been married for 31 years. 00:41 And we have been doing a lot of marriage counseling, 00:44 retreats and seminars all over the world. 00:48 And what we're going to do for you today, 00:51 we're going to bring some of those things that we have 00:58 gleaned from these seminars and let you know. 01:01 What's the interesting topic that we have for today? 01:04 What husbands want wives to know. 01:09 Wow! Before we go into that, we're going to have prayer. 01:14 June, would you pray? 01:17 Father, we thank You so much for love. 01:20 We thank You for the sacrifices You've made 01:24 to redeem our families. 01:25 We pray for our husbands. We pray for our wives. 01:29 We pray that Your Holy Spirit will fill them with Your grace. 01:33 And Lord we ask that when You come, 01:36 all our families will be saved. 01:38 In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. 01:42 What husbands want wives to know. 01:48 Well, well, well, as a husband, I want to hear. 01:52 Well, what would be the first thing you would say that 01:57 we husbands want our wives to know? 02:02 I think before we say that, we might say that there, 02:06 in the recent times, there is some research that suggests that 02:11 there are differences between men and women. 02:15 And as a result, sometimes the outcomes influence 02:21 our understanding of our relationships or how 02:26 men and women differ and how and where they're similar. 02:31 And what I have noticed also, as we have done our seminars 02:37 and working with couples in therapy sessions that sometimes 02:43 it's not major things that cause problems in marriages. 02:49 But sometimes it's simple things, little things. 02:53 Songs of Solomon describes it as 02:57 the little fox that spoils the vine. 03:01 And so we're saying that sometimes it's just some 03:05 little things that cause marriages to fall apart. 03:10 One of the things that I hear men talk about frequently 03:13 is the issue of money. 03:16 They have problems with, or most of the men that we surveyed, 03:21 had problems with the way their wives spend. 03:25 The way their wives usually spend outside of the budget. 03:30 So they want them to live within their budget. 03:32 That's one of their concerns. That women, for most of the men 03:35 we spoke to, at least, think that women just like to spend. 03:38 They don't want to be constrained. 03:40 They don't want to be told, "this is all I have". 03:43 It almost like they expect their husbands to have 03:45 an unending resource financially. 03:48 And so they want us to encourage women to understand that 03:53 there is always just a limited amount of money. 03:58 And so you can't just go shop until you drop. 04:01 Well, why don't we encourage you ladies, 04:04 you wives that are listening to us. 04:07 In reality, there are some things you can do without. 04:11 There are some things you need. There is necessity, and there's 04:15 some things that you can do without. 04:18 Some dangers that we need to look at. 04:21 Mail order catalogs, the use of credit cards, borrowing money. 04:26 Those are areas that we need to look at. 04:29 Talking about the credit card, I have to share this with you. 04:36 I was in line at a store some time ago, 04:39 and there was this lady right in front of me. 04:42 And she had a whole cart of stuff that she had taken up, 04:48 things that she was buying. When she got to the cash 04:51 register, she pulled out about 7 or 8 different credit cards. 04:57 And each one that she gave to the lady 05:03 had just a few dollars on it. And so what she had to do was 05:07 card, after card, after card, to pay for the goods 05:11 she had in front of her. She was maxing out each card 05:13 to get to the total amount. And the funny thing about it, 05:18 after using about 8 or 9 cards, she still couldn't pay for the 05:21 things she had. She had to put back some. 05:23 And her response or her remark was, "Well, it means I just 05:27 need to get another card. 05:29 That is certainly not healthy. And God has made us stewards 05:34 of the resources He has blessed us with. 05:38 And He wants us to be able to live within our means. 05:42 To buy the things that we need, not always the things we want. 05:46 I like what Timothy says in Timothy 6:6-8, 06:11 That's a good encouragement. In a materialistic society, 06:16 it is a challenge for some families. 06:18 So we're encouraging our friends to adhere to their 06:23 husbands requests to live within our means. 06:27 Don't nag. 06:28 We're talking about what husbands want wives to know. 06:31 Don't nag. 06:34 I think before we say anything about this topic, we should 06:37 go to the word of God and hear what the Bible has to say. 06:40 Here's the first text we're going to put up for you. 06:56 And Proverbs 21:19 says, 07:10 That speaks volumes. 07:14 You know, there are some women who 07:16 wake up in the morning and they are nagging. 07:20 They go through the day and they're nagging. 07:23 And it's time to go to bed and they're nagging. 07:25 And some will go through the night nagging. 07:28 And I think that's what the Bible is talking about 07:30 when it says "a continual dropping on a very rainy day 07:34 and a contentious woman are alike. " 07:37 This constant nagging, nagging. 07:40 So what you are saying is that men, husbands, 07:44 are asking their wives not to nag. 07:49 They think that it is annoying. 07:51 Yes. 07:54 The Bible talks about Abraham and an encounter with the Angel. 08:03 And Abraham asks the Angel if there were 50 righteous 08:07 would he destroy the city? And then he went to 45. 08:11 Then 40, 35. All the way down to 10. 08:16 The question that I'm asking, is this nagging or is it appealing? 08:21 Is there a difference between appealing and nagging? 08:25 There seems to be a need to appeal for what you're asking. 08:34 It might be perceived as nagging. 08:37 Now, I think men might think the woman is nagging 08:42 but the woman might think she's merely 08:45 trying to justify her request. 08:48 Ok, but a request is different from a constant barrage of... 08:56 I guess the bottom line of what we're saying is, 08:58 know when to quit. 09:00 You can't just make your point 09:03 over and over and over endlessly. 09:06 You have to get to the point where you stop. 09:09 That's what men are asking women to do. 09:13 The next thing that men are asking of women 09:18 or of their wives is avoid gossiping. 09:23 Somehow, men don't like when their wives get involved in 09:28 transmitting information too much. 09:32 Especially if it relates to things in the family. 09:36 They don't like that women take information and tell their 09:41 best friends or tell their family members 09:44 what's going on in the home. Men would rather you keep 09:48 what happens in the family within the confines of the home. 09:53 Gossiping, there's a funny thing about gossiping, 09:56 is that you never repeat the story the way it is. 10:01 I remember when I was a kid, we use to play a game, 10:04 maybe 8, 9, 10 of us would line up in a straight line. 10:09 And the first child would say something and whisper something 10:16 in the ear of that child. And they were to whisper 10:18 to the next child, all the way up to the tenth child. 10:21 And when it got to the tenth child they would ask, 10:23 "What did you hear?" And it's amazing, every time 10:26 what the tenth child said and what was said to the first child 10:30 is completely different. 10:32 And that's a classic example of gossiping. 10:35 I think we have all played that game and you're right. 10:37 It never comes out the way the message was sent. 10:41 So men really don't want their wives to be involved in gossip. 10:48 Matthew 12:34 says, 11:01 And Proverbs 18:21 says, 11:16 There's a Chinese proverb that I think is interesting. 11:19 And we're not advocating, by any means, 11:23 violence or anything, but to make a point... 11:25 The proverb says, 11:28 "He who listens to gossip is just as guilty 11:32 as the one who tells it. Both should be hanged. 11:37 One by the tongue and the other by the ear. " 11:41 Again, we are not advocating physical violence. 11:44 Please, we are not. 11:46 But there's a point to that Chinese proverb. 11:48 And the point is, the person who tells the gossip 11:51 and the one who listens to the gossip, 11:54 are just as guilty in the eyes of God. 11:56 We're talking about marriage in God's hands. 11:59 And husbands are saying, "In order for us to have 12:03 happy, healthy marriages, there are some things they would want 12:05 their wives to know and not to do. 12:07 And one of them is not to gossip. 12:10 Another is they want their wives to be Godly. 12:11 To be Christ centered. 12:13 To help them establish and maintain a Christian home 12:19 where they model the attitude and character of Christ. 12:22 And where they try to implant the image of Christ 12:27 in the hearts of their children. 12:31 That's important because the Bible says children 12:34 are a heritage of the Lord. 12:37 And it is the kind of care that we give to our children, 12:42 and in this case I'm talking about spiritual care, 12:45 that will reap dividends in years to come. 12:49 And most of all life everlasting. 12:52 So, although the husband is the high priest in the home, 12:55 and it is his responsibility to command his household 12:59 after righteousness, he's asking that his wife joins him and 13:05 be his partner, ensuring that the family alter is maintained 13:10 and that the home maintains a spiritual atmosphere. 13:14 Well, the next one we're going to talk about is 13:16 don't be flirtatious. And we have a lot more 13:18 that we want to share with you. 13:21 What husbands want wives to know. 13:23 You husbands, don't go away. You wives, you need to listen. 13:26 Stay right there, because we're going to be right back 13:29 to talk with you. 13:41 There are many "How To" books available. 13:43 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:46 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:48 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:52 easy to ready manner, for those contemplating marriage, 13:55 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:58 and everyone in between. Call or write for your copy: 14:15 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:19 We have been talking about what husbands want wives to know. 14:24 And so far, we have been bringing up a number of 14:28 things that husbands what their wives to know. 14:31 We said at the break we're going to talk about the next one. 14:34 Don't be flirtatious. 14:37 Why is it husbands want their wives to know that one? 14:42 It appears that husbands would like their wives to be loyal. 14:48 They don't like their wives to play around with other men. 14:54 They want them to act decently, to ensure that other men 15:01 are aware that they are married and not to send double messages. 15:06 Some women like the attention, and they sometimes go too far. 15:12 And when a woman flirts, she cheapens her husband. 15:18 When you flirt, you cheapen your husband. 15:22 When the Bible says you leave mother and father, 15:25 and you cleave, the notion of cleaving 15:29 can have no flirtatious living. So husbands are saying, 15:33 "Wives, please, don't flirt. We don't want you to flirt. " 15:38 Another concern that men seem to have, is they would like 15:42 their wives to declutter. 15:46 Now, it appears that this is an issue for some women. 15:50 I would say a lot of women. 15:53 But men seem to have a concern. And so, the men that we spoke to 15:57 in many of the seminars that we have done said, "Would you ask 16:00 most of the women to throw out things that they're not using?" 16:06 You know, one man said his wife had dresses from college days. 16:12 And her goal is that one day, she intends to 16:15 fit in those dresses. 16:17 It's a good goal, but there may not be space 16:19 to contain those clothes. 16:21 And that seems to be the problem. 16:22 So the husbands would like wives to not just throw out 16:27 things that they're not using, but try not to have 16:30 excessive things so the space is overcrowded. 16:35 And tied to decluttering, wives also, it's your responsibility 16:40 to make your bedroom an inviting place. 16:43 Sometimes the bedroom is not the best of places. 16:47 And you can really put it together. 16:49 Your home on a whole should be an inviting place. 16:53 It should be a place when you're heading home, you feel good. 16:56 You want to get home, you want to stay home. 16:58 Because it breaths an atmosphere of cleanliness. 17:02 And remember, cleanliness is Godliness. 17:07 Husbands also want their wives to care for them. 17:11 Not just to love them and to say, "I love you. " 17:14 But to demonstrate that in the way you care for them. 17:18 So husbands are asking wives to show interest in their husbands. 17:23 In things that their husbands are interested in. 17:26 And to show interest in their husbands self care. 17:30 You know, some husbands try and really do a good job 17:34 of coordinating their colors and taking care of themselves. 17:38 But sometimes they need the attention of their wives. 17:42 And they're asking for it even though sometimes 17:44 some of them reject it. 17:47 That's true, you know it is a fact that sometimes 17:52 we men, our color coordination is a bit off. 17:57 That tie that we put on with that shirt is kind of off. 18:01 Or that shirt we choose to wear with that jacket is kind of off. 18:06 And sometimes we kind of need that feminine touch. 18:09 So yes, we are asking for the help but when we get it, 18:14 we should not resist it. We should accept it graciously. 18:18 Because the ladies can really help to put ourselves together. 18:22 As you're saying that, I think of a gentleman I had a 18:24 conversation with at church. And he was telling me that 18:27 his wife tries, his wife usually on a Sabbath morning when he 18:31 gets dressed, his wife would say, "Honey, that doesn't go 18:34 well together. " 18:35 But he says, "I just still wear it. " 18:39 He doesn't see what's wrong with it. 18:41 And I had to smile, because at least he was admitting that 18:44 she attempted to help him. 18:48 Let me make it abundantly clear. 18:50 We're not asking you couples to be materialistic. 18:54 We're not asking you to be gaudy and what have you, no. 18:57 Not at all. We're saying, 18:59 whatever it is, as humble as you choose to dress, 19:03 that's your choice. But whatever it is, 19:04 we can put it together. If we're going to church, 19:07 we don't just want to go any way. 19:09 We're going to worship the Great Almighty God. 19:12 And we should bring our best self. 19:15 And the best way we can put our self together, 19:17 no matter what it is, we can put it together, and we can 19:20 coordinate, and we can look good. 19:21 We represent a great God. 19:24 And it's not just at church, the way we present ourselves. 19:26 So, a husband when he sees his wife in public, for example, 19:30 she should be nicely dressed. 19:31 She should be coordinated herself. 19:33 And so should he. 19:35 So women are saying they'd like their husband, not just to 19:39 pull on a t-shirt or a sweater and go, but make sure it's 19:44 nicely put together and coordinated. 19:46 Different occasions call for different dressing. 19:53 Well, here's another one that men want women to know. 19:56 Be specific when giving praise. 20:00 In other words, don't be generalized and say, 20:03 "Well, you know, thanks everything. " 20:07 Yes you're saying thanks, but you could be 20:10 a little more specific. 20:12 For example, how can we be more specific? 20:16 Men tend to be pretty concrete. Not all men, but some men. 20:20 And they want to hear what you are praising them for. 20:23 You know, it's so funny because I spoke to a man who said 20:28 whenever his wife praised him, he would say, "How much?" 20:32 He always thought there was some request 20:35 that was following the praise. 20:36 So you don't want to be so predictable. 20:38 But what men are saying is tell us what you are praising us for. 20:41 So if you're saying... 20:43 "Thank you for washing the car. " 20:46 Or putting petrol in the car or whatever 20:48 you're saying thanks for. 20:50 "I appreciate you going to the bank for me. " 20:52 Be very specific, call out. Identify what the issue is 20:56 rather just saying. Well, you're listening to us. 21:00 Maybe your spouse is sitting beside you. 21:03 Turn to your spouse and try that now. 21:05 Something that your spouse did for you today, yesterday, 21:08 or some other time. Just say, be very specific, 21:11 "I thank you for... " And name that thing. 21:14 Go right ahead. Don't be blushed. 21:16 Come on, try it. See, it sounds good. 21:18 Alright, let's move on. 21:21 Accept yourself for who you are. 21:25 That's important. Ladies, it's important 21:29 for you to accept yourself. 21:31 Sometimes you get too carried away. 21:33 You want to be this person, you want to be that person. 21:36 You have to learn to accept yourself for who you are. 21:42 So what a husband is saying is don't compare yourself with 21:44 other women. 21:45 Whoever you are, if you have concerns about 21:48 your own personal hood, then do something about it. 21:50 But be comfortable in your own skin. 21:52 And feel good about yourself. He loves you for who you are. 21:58 And you need to love yourself as well. 22:01 I like what the poet Matthew Arnold says. 22:04 He says, "Resolve to be thyself. And know that he who finds 22:09 himself, loses his misery. " 22:12 And that is so true. Just be yourself. 22:16 That's what God wants. 22:18 I like the quote from St. Francis of Assisi 22:21 who says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things 22:28 I cannot change, the courage to change 22:31 the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. " 22:36 There are things that we can't change. 22:38 It's just what is. 22:40 But what husbands are saying is, live within your reality. 22:46 That's good. That is good. 22:49 Bad judgments when it comes to business transactions 22:53 is something that men want to emphasize. 22:58 What men are saying, including the one sitting beside you 23:02 right there, yes, when you make bad judgments, 23:06 then it limits their ability to keep including you in the 23:12 decision making process. You have to show good judgment. 23:16 There are a lot of things going around now, risky investments. 23:21 Have you gotten any of those emails 23:24 that talk about you can invest? There's some rich person 23:29 who died and they have left them with millions of dollars. 23:32 And if you send them $50,000 you'll get a million and a half? 23:39 Run away from them. It's not true, it's a hoax. 23:45 And trust me, you are going to lose your $50,000 23:48 or whatever it is. As a matter of fact, 23:50 I personally know of individuals who have invested in those 23:53 kinds of schemes and they have lost it. 23:56 So we are saying, stay away from it. 23:58 Men are asking women not to make bad business decisions. 24:05 Another concern that husbands have, and we're talking about 24:10 bad judgments. And one is that sometimes 24:13 wives overspend to the extent that they 24:16 rationalize the use of the tithe. 24:19 And so we're asking that wives understand that their 24:24 commitment to Christ is paramount and that they 24:28 need to stay within the confines of their resources 24:31 so that they do not use the offering or the tithe. 24:36 And that's a very important issue to talk about. 24:39 When God blesses us, and when God blesses you, 24:44 you're to be faithful to Him. And you're to remember that 24:49 that faithfulness includes returning your faithful tithe 24:56 and giving your freewill offering. 24:58 It's part of your God given responsibility and you 25:00 should not put yourself in such a financial bind 25:03 that you have to compromise on that which is God's. 25:07 Co-signing is another bad judgment. 25:10 Often times, a woman may rationalize, "Well, if I tell 25:14 my husband that my relatives need me to co-sign, 25:20 or a friend, a very good friend, he might say no. " 25:23 So what you might do is go behind his back 25:25 and co-sign anyway. 25:27 Remember, when you co-sign for someone, 25:30 that loan becomes yours. What you're saying is, 25:34 "If anything goes wrong, I will take up the responsibility. " 25:37 And if your husband should go to do business, 25:40 and he's going to take out a loan or whatever, 25:42 any transaction, it will show up on your report. 25:46 So, if you hide it, he will find out. 25:49 It's just a bad risky decision to make. 25:53 We need to emphasize again about anything that a man 25:58 would want a woman to know, is that she should be Godly. 26:03 We spoke about Godliness with contentment is a great thing. 26:08 You should be Godly. You should be spiritual. 26:11 A spiritual woman can make a home a happy home. 26:16 Here's what God wants from us. 26:19 John 13:34 says, "Love one another as I have loved you. " 26:27 How has God loved us? 26:29 He has loved us by giving us His life. 26:32 And He's asking us for our obedience in return. 26:38 Marriages, when placed in God's hands will demonstrate 26:44 love for each other. 26:46 "Love one another as I have loved you. " 26:48 Romans 14:13 says, "Let us not judge one another anymore. " 26:56 The notion of "anymore" means that it has been happening. 26:59 Why should we not judge? 27:02 Again, judging sets ourselves up as superior, 27:07 where God is the only judge. And while we make mistakes, 27:11 and we might cause error, we don't want to be the judge. 27:14 So we want to love each other, support each other, 27:17 and encourage each other. 27:19 So what husbands want from wives, want wives to know: 27:22 Live within your means. 27:24 Don't nag. Don't gossip. 27:26 Don't be flirtatious. Be specific in giving praise. 27:31 Accept yourself for who you are. 27:33 Bad judgment and unwise decisions are bad for business. 27:37 And above all, be a Godly woman. 27:41 Be faithful to your family. 27:43 Keep strong and may God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17