Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000045
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and this is my wife, June Smith. 00:37 We're both licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, 00:41 and licensed Mental Health Counselors. 00:43 And we have been married for 31 years. 00:48 Today we will be discussing violating God's image. 00:52 But before we do so, I invite you to pray with us. 00:59 Our heavenly Father, we thank You for creating us 01:02 in Your image. We know sin has distorted 01:06 Your concept and Your plan for our lives and our marriages. 01:11 And now Lord, we pray that You will transform us. 01:14 And help us to become more like You. 01:17 In Jesus' name, Amen. Amen. 01:23 Violating God's image. 01:27 As I think of that topic, I think of Genesis 2:24. 01:33 I invite you to read with me this beautiful passage. 01:50 This is the marriage covenant that God set up in Eden. 01:56 That the two becoming one flesh reflecting the image of God. 02:02 Unfortunately, this image covenant has been broken 02:09 frequently, and as a result we have abusive anger 02:15 taking control of many marriages. 02:18 When we talk about violating God's image, 02:23 in this context, we're talking about abusive anger. 02:30 The Bible is not silent. In fact, it documents several 02:37 references to the concept of anger. 02:41 We're going to look at just two, however. 02:43 In Proverbs 16:32, it says: 03:02 In Proverbs 14:29, it says: 03:21 That says it. Those two texts 03:24 are in themselves self explanatory. 03:30 The bible speaks of two kinds of anger. 03:34 The first one is what we call Controlled Anger. 03:39 I like to reference it as the Ephesians anger. 03:46 Because Paul says in Ephesians 4:26, 03:51 "Be ye angry and sin not. " 03:55 And so what Paul is saying is there are times 03:58 when you will get angry. 04:00 But you should control your anger. 04:04 The notion of understanding that it is human to get upset 04:10 or to get frustrated, but what it appears that the Bible is 04:15 saying is that the Spirit of God must always reside in us. 04:20 So that we don't allow our anger to control us. 04:25 So what we are saying to you is that in your marriages, 04:30 you have to have the ability to demonstrate impulse control. 04:36 You have to control yourself when moments arise 04:42 and you are angry. 04:43 Impulse control is very important. 04:46 And it comes with must prayer. 04:50 The second type of anger that the Bible talks about 04:53 is what we call Uncontrolled Anger. 04:57 I like to refer to that as the Ecclesiastes anger 05:02 because the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:9, 05:20 That's another powerful text. It is saying that there are 05:24 individuals who are not able to control their anger. 05:30 In fact, the Bible calls them fools. 05:35 And you can understand why because it appears 05:37 that when you're out of control, you really will do 05:40 very foolish things. 05:43 Isn't anger an issue of lack of control? 05:48 Well, it's lack of control, but it's also a need for control. 05:53 So, people who get angry and get out of control appears to 05:59 want more control. And when things in their lives 06:02 are not going the way they would like, or they need to 06:06 accomplish things that they need to achieve, then they sometimes 06:10 get frustrated and that gets lashed out in angry ways. 06:15 And anger can be either overt or covert. 06:24 I'm listening and I'm hearing you saying 06:27 all these things about anger. 06:30 But if I have covert anger, how does that affect anyone? 06:36 Well, that sometimes might even be more dangerous. 06:38 Because when you're covert in the display of your behavior, 06:44 you are not up front with it. 06:47 It's almost like a passive aggression. 06:49 So, the person who is attacked by covert anger, 06:53 really might not see it coming. 06:55 But you're sabotaging and you're undermining 06:58 and you're really very angry. 07:01 As a matter of fact, we need to say to you that 07:07 frequently, the demonstration of abusive anger 07:12 occurs behind doors, behind closed doors. 07:18 Individuals who are very abusive, oftentimes do not come 07:25 up front and out doors to have it exposed. 07:28 But it is happening right behind closed doors. 07:33 It is interesting that you said that, because frequently 07:35 what happens with abusive experiences or relationships 07:38 in marriages or in the family in general, 07:41 is that the person who is executing the anger 07:46 is perceived as a really nice person. 07:50 And people outside of the family who hear this would not believe 07:55 that this person is even capable of behaving in that way. 07:59 And so that makes it so dangerous because you're 08:02 almost afraid to ask for help. 08:07 Let me share with you some myths about anger. 08:14 First of all, here's one. 08:17 "It can't happen to me. " 08:19 I suspect some of you listening to this program right now 08:23 and hearing us talking about anger and abusiveness, 08:26 you're saying to yourself, "Well it couldn't happen to me. " 08:31 Is that a safe position to take? 08:34 It is not, because the ability to control your impulse 08:39 is an intentional effort that one makes. 08:42 But it is also grounded in your spiritual connection 08:45 with the source of power, which is the Holy Spirit. 08:49 So, we might say, and this is what you may say to yourself, 08:54 "By the grace of God, it will not happen to me. " 08:57 Or, "I hope by God's grace that doesn't happen to me. " 09:01 Because, if someone is abusive, it may happen just one time 09:06 and you allow it not to happen again or you take steps 09:10 so it won't happen again. But the fact that one time 09:13 is still an abusive occurrence. So to make the broad statement, 09:18 "It can't happen to me. " we're saying, it's too absolute. 09:21 Say, by God's grace, by God's grace, I hope it doesn't happen. 09:26 And yes if it happens, you should take the necessary step. 09:31 Another thing that many individuals think, 09:35 and it's identified as a myth, is that, "If I try harder, 09:40 he or she will treat me better. " 09:43 And so they're taking responsibility for the abuse. 09:47 The reality is, it's not about the victim, it's more about the 09:52 perpetrator, the person who is inflicting the blow 09:56 or the angry behavior. So, it's a myth to think 10:00 that you can fix this person. The individual who is angry 10:06 and is out of control needs help. 10:10 You're listening to us. Are you saying to yourself, 10:13 "If a person stays in the abuse, well maybe it's not that bad. " 10:19 That is another myth. 10:22 There are several reasons, several variables, circumstances 10:26 that may occasion or cause an individual 10:31 to stay in an abusive situation. 10:34 It could be their children. It could be because of 10:38 financial dependence. We're not justifying it. 10:41 We're not saying it's right to stay in the abuse. 10:45 We're only saying there are several reasons that 10:47 individuals, because of those variables, individuals choose 10:51 to stay in the abuse. So, we should not conclude 10:55 that the fact that they stay in the abuse, 10:57 well it's not that bad. It could be very, very bad. 11:00 But because of these circumstances, they stay in it. 11:04 In fact, we would venture to say that abuse of any form is bad. 11:09 Another myth is that the victims bring this on themselves. 11:13 And as a result, they ask for it. 11:15 The reality is, the victim may have contributed 11:20 to the frustration the angry person is feeling. 11:23 But the victim did not cause this person to hit them 11:28 or to relate in an angry way. 11:30 So it is a myth that the victim caused this to happen. 11:34 And no one asks for abuse. No one deserves to be abused. 11:37 I think I like how Genesis 1:27 puts it in a capsule. 11:44 The Bible says we are both created in God's image. 11:50 "Male and female created He them. " 11:53 So, no one has autonomy over another person. 11:58 No one deserves to be abused. 12:02 And no one should be abused. 12:05 And going back to that last myth that you spoke about. 12:08 Victims bring on the abuse themselves. 12:11 They ask for it. 12:12 That is like victimizing the victim. 12:16 Or secondary victimization. 12:19 That kind of a misnomer cripples an individual 12:25 in an abusive relationship. 12:27 They hear people say these things, talk about these things. 12:31 And they feel crippled, and "Maybe I'm the reason". 12:35 "Maybe I'm the fault. " 12:37 So they blame themselves. And sometimes that retards 12:39 their ability to get the help that they need. 12:42 On both sides of it, the victim as well as the perpetrator. 12:47 So, talking about violating God's image. 12:52 What we are saying to you is that abuse is never right. 12:57 Whether you are the victim of abuse 13:00 or the perpetrator of abuse, it doesn't matter. 13:03 Whichever side you are on, you need help. 13:08 You need the grace of God. You need His help. 13:11 Well, we need to move on to the characteristics of the abuser. 13:15 And we need to talk about how you can 13:17 evaluate your relationship. 13:19 Characteristic, that is very important to hear. 13:22 And evaluation of your relationship. 13:25 But you know something, we have to take a break. 13:28 So, don't go anywhere. Stay right where you are. 13:31 Don't touch that dial because we're going to be right back. 13:34 We're going to talk about characteristics of the abuser 13:36 and how to evaluate your relationship. 13:50 There are many "How To" books available. 13:52 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:55 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:58 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 14:02 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 14:05 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 14:07 and everyone in between. Call or write for a free copy: 14:25 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:28 We have been talking about violating God's image. 14:35 We have been discussing abusive relationships. 14:40 And when we speak about violating God's image, 14:44 in this context, we're talking about abuse. 14:48 We're talking about physical abuse. 14:51 We're talking about abusive anger. 14:54 But is this something that we just have isolated cases? 15:01 Or are we talking about something 15:06 that is really happening? 15:08 We have a lot of Christian families listening to us. 15:13 Is this happening in their families? 15:15 Is this happening in your family? 15:17 What is the statistic saying? 15:18 It is an amazing, and I would say even an alarming incident 15:24 that is occurring in our families and in Christian homes 15:27 as much as in the society at large. 15:29 The statistics show that there is at least one incident 15:37 of physical abuse in 50% of all marriages. 15:43 50%, wow! That is very high. 15:48 But I must commend the church for 15:53 addressing issues like these. 15:56 Because for a long time, people were afraid to admit 16:00 or to even own that they were experiencing 16:03 abuse in their families. 16:05 Especially in our Christian homes. 16:07 So I think it is helpful that families are able to admit 16:12 that this is occurring and that we need to 16:14 stop it and we need help. 16:17 Let me say a word to those of you who are not yet married. 16:23 If you are in a relationship and there are signs of abuse, 16:28 for whatever the reason, take a second look. 16:33 We call that a "red flag". 16:35 There's something that you need to take seriously. 16:38 I received a call sometime ago from a lady that was engaged. 16:44 And her fiancé had slapped her a few times. 16:48 And she asked my opinion. I spoke to her candidly 16:51 on the concept of physical abuse 16:54 as violating God's covenant. 16:56 Well, she figured they could work it through. 16:59 So they got married. 17:00 But it wasn't long after the marriage 17:03 that the abuse continued. 17:05 So we are encouraging you. As a matter of fact, 17:08 what do the statistics say about individuals who 17:11 marry their batterer? 17:12 It says that people who marry their batterer, usually think 17:17 and anticipate that it will get better. 17:20 But the reverse happens. It really only gets worse. 17:24 That is so true. 17:26 Characteristics of the abuser. You're listening to us? 17:30 Do you possess these characteristics? 17:33 Are you an abuser? Listen carefully. 17:36 Likely to blame the spouse for the outburst. 17:42 "I get angry and whatever. I throw things around. " 17:45 "I have a tantrum. " Or, "I hit you or whatever. " 17:49 "But it's your fault", they say. 17:51 One of the chief characteristics of an abuser, "It's your fault". 17:55 "It's because of you why I did what I did. " 17:58 "And I'm not willing to take responsibility for my behavior 18:01 and for my actions. " 18:03 Another characteristic is that they're unpredictable. 18:06 Sometimes they're warm and they are cuddly people. 18:10 People who seem friendly and seem to relate to people 18:14 in general, to others in general, in a very nice way. 18:18 But at home, this same person can be volatile. 18:22 And can really get out of control. 18:25 Speaking about warmth, they are warm most of the times 18:29 to people outside. But they are unexpressive 18:34 of warmth to the victim. 18:39 They don't show that empathy. It's like they would batter 18:45 and walk away; go eat some ice cream, 18:49 go watch a baseball game, go visit with some friends. 18:53 And it means nothing, even though they have left 18:55 that individual hurt and crying, whatever it is. 18:58 There's just no empathy there. 19:01 It's as you said, no empathy, it reminds me of 19:05 something I read that says, people who abuse others 19:09 are unkind to animals. 19:12 The notion is, if you would hurt an animal, 19:14 you probably would hurt an individual. 19:19 Abusers are quick at comeback. 19:23 And they are good at using putdowns. 19:27 We call them "PD's", putdowns. 19:30 The slightest thing, they snap back at you. 19:32 They snap back in an angry way. 19:35 Nothing passes. 19:38 They sort of have a thin skin. A veneer that is very thin. 19:44 Whatever happens, they get back at you. 19:48 They get angry and will say the most demeaning things, 19:52 the most punishing things. 19:53 Because they want to put you down. 19:57 And usually these are people who have what we call 19:58 a poor concept of themselves. 20:00 And they believe that if they can minimize you, 20:04 then they will look better. At least think that they 20:07 look better in their own eyes. 20:09 And that's one of the reasons why they are so abusive. 20:13 They try to totally allow the other person they're abusing, 20:19 or the victim of their abuse, to almost shrink 20:22 in the relationship. 20:26 Now is the time for you to evaluate your relationship. 20:29 I thank God for those of you whose marriages 20:33 are in God's hand. And you know that abuse 20:37 must have no part of your relationship. 20:39 I give God praise for you. 20:42 But those of you who are listening, whose marriages 20:45 are troubled, those of you who are experiencing 20:48 abuse in your relationship, 20:52 now is the time for you to do some evaluation. 20:55 So we're going to ask you some questions. 20:58 For example, does your spouse constantly criticize you 21:04 and criticize your abilities? 21:07 Are you a person that is heavily criticized? 21:10 That's a sign of abuse. 21:13 Does your spouse behave in an overprotective manner? 21:16 Or appears to be extremely jealous? 21:21 Does your spouse threaten to hurt you 21:24 or to hurt your family members or your friends? 21:28 An abusive action. 21:31 Another thing that might indicate abuse is 21:35 your spouse's inability to have you have a network. 21:40 So, they seem even jealous of your friends and your 21:44 relationship with your family even. 21:46 This sometimes is a very threatening thing to an abuser. 21:51 Does your spouse destroy property 21:55 and throw things around? Break up things? 21:59 I saw a man with his hand in a sling. 22:02 And when I asked him why was his hand in a sling, 22:06 he said he was angry with his wife and he punched the door. 22:10 He punched it through several times and broke his hand. 22:14 You know, another lady told me that her husband changed 22:20 the door to their bedroom three times 22:22 simply because each time he's angry, he kicks the door. 22:27 So, if you have a spouse that is destroying property 22:32 and is demonstrating anger in that kind of a way, 22:35 self evaluate so you know where you are. 22:39 Abusers... we're talking about how do you know whether 22:43 this is happening in your relationship. 22:45 If your spouse is controlling, not just of you but of 22:49 the way you spend, there isn't an open discussion or agreement 22:54 on what your ability to spend is within the budget. 22:58 And so, they have you give account for every cent that 23:02 is spent and they want to know. And you have to justify 23:05 why you needed this, and that you needed this. 23:09 And that's just a sign that this person needs control 23:14 and could likely be an abuser. 23:16 Does your spouse hit you, punch you, slap you, shove you, 23:23 choke you, grab you, all those kinds of physical abuses? 23:29 If that is happening, no matter how the person tries to 23:32 explain it, that's abuse. 23:35 Now, we're talking about physical abuse, but there are 23:37 other forms of abuse, and we've not gone into all of those. 23:41 But we do want to underscore emotional abuse. 23:44 Because I think, many people are not necessarily being hit 23:47 and slapped around, but that they're emotionally abused. 23:51 They are told words that hurt their feelings. 23:55 Things that minimize them as an individual and they feel 23:58 less than human. The attempt is to diminish 24:01 their self worth, to embarrass them in front of others. 24:04 Or even for them to walk around feeling small and 24:07 feeling less than. So if you're in a relationship 24:10 where your spouse makes you feel, or says things to you 24:14 that allow you to feel less than God's daughter, 24:18 or God's son, then that is abusive. 24:20 The role of marriage is to empower us to feel our best 24:24 and to be our best. And not to destroy 24:27 our spirit and to rob us of our personal integrity. 24:32 Here are some steps to take for uncontrolled anger. 24:38 First of all, identify the factors that trigger the anger. 24:44 For example, if your spouse leaves the socks on the floor, 24:48 does that cause you to get upset and say unkind things? 24:52 Or maybe leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, 24:57 does that cause you to get angry or upset? 25:02 Maybe he didn't make the bed, or she didn't make up the bed. 25:07 How do you react? 25:09 Those are some of the factors that can trigger anger. 25:14 Identify them and deal with them before the anger comes. 25:17 Another thing that needs to happen, is you must first admit 25:20 that you have an anger problem. 25:22 Many people who are abusive justify it. 25:26 You know, this is the way men are suppose to be. 25:28 This is the way a woman is suppose to be. 25:30 Or, "I won't take this from any man and so I am going 25:33 to then be abusive. " 25:35 So, you must first get out of denial 25:38 that you're behavior is justified. 25:40 If your spouse is saying, "You hurt my feelings 25:44 when you do this or when you say this", 25:46 you need to hear that. 25:49 Remove the negative messages that you're sending yourselves 25:51 and replace them with positive ones. 25:55 Call a friend, talk to someone. 25:59 In other words, don't bear it alone. 26:02 Talk honestly with someone you can trust. 26:07 And then, we think that an abuser is somebody who is 26:12 possessed with demonic spirits, wouldn't you say? 26:19 Yeah, in a case like that, you have to 26:22 take it to God in prayer. 26:24 Sometimes you may want to identify a prayer partner. 26:27 You may have to fast and pray for strength. 26:31 There's no question that the individual may need to get 26:35 professional help, professional counseling. 26:38 But the bottom line of all covenant breakers 26:44 violating God's image is that you have to claim 26:49 the promises of God. 26:51 You have to be able to understand that he that 26:55 comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a 26:59 rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. 27:02 So we have to diligently seek God and ask for help. 27:06 So we're saying, abuse is not just a family matter. 27:09 But it is a spiritual problem. 27:13 It is something that we have to allow God to help us. 27:17 Don't take it for granted, don't say, "Well, I'll get over it. " 27:21 Don't ignore it, as we say, don't stay in denial. 27:24 We have to be humble enough and be willing enough to 27:30 know that we want our marriages, we want our 27:33 marriages to stay in God's hands. 27:35 For that to happen, you must trust Him. 27:38 Put your hand in the hand of God. 27:40 Let God guide you and direct you. 27:43 May He bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17