Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
00:00:30.54\00:00:33.75
I'm Alanzo Smith and
this is my wife, June Smith.
00:00:33.78\00:00:37.57
We're both licensed
Marriage and Family Therapists,
00:00:37.60\00:00:41.16
and licensed
Mental Health Counselors.
00:00:41.19\00:00:43.56
And we have been
married for 31 years.
00:00:43.59\00:00:46.41
Today we will be discussing
violating God's image.
00:00:48.15\00:00:52.91
But before we do so, I
invite you to pray with us.
00:00:52.94\00:00:56.92
Our heavenly Father, we
thank You for creating us
00:00:59.39\00:01:02.76
in Your image. We
know sin has distorted
00:01:02.79\00:01:06.85
Your concept and Your plan
for our lives and our marriages.
00:01:06.88\00:01:11.25
And now Lord, we pray
that You will transform us.
00:01:11.28\00:01:14.86
And help us to
become more like You.
00:01:14.89\00:01:17.44
In Jesus' name, Amen. Amen.
00:01:17.47\00:01:20.67
Violating God's image.
00:01:23.13\00:01:26.55
As I think of that
topic, I think of Genesis 2:24.
00:01:27.20\00:01:33.33
I invite you to read with
me this beautiful passage.
00:01:33.36\00:01:37.86
This is the marriage covenant
that God set up in Eden.
00:01:50.13\00:01:55.91
That the two becoming one flesh
reflecting the image of God.
00:01:56.76\00:02:02.55
Unfortunately, this
image covenant has been broken
00:02:02.58\00:02:09.32
frequently, and as a
result we have abusive anger
00:02:09.35\00:02:15.08
taking control
of many marriages.
00:02:15.11\00:02:18.58
When we talk about
violating God's image,
00:02:18.61\00:02:23.79
in this context, we're
talking about abusive anger.
00:02:23.82\00:02:29.64
The Bible is not silent.
In fact, it documents several
00:02:30.58\00:02:37.56
references to
the concept of anger.
00:02:37.59\00:02:40.63
We're going to look
at just two, however.
00:02:41.03\00:02:43.52
In Proverbs 16:32, it says:
00:02:43.55\00:02:49.61
In Proverbs 14:29, it says:
00:03:02.12\00:03:07.58
That says it. Those two texts
00:03:21.34\00:03:24.83
are in
themselves self explanatory.
00:03:24.86\00:03:28.69
The bible speaks
of two kinds of anger.
00:03:30.41\00:03:34.71
The first one is what
we call Controlled Anger.
00:03:34.74\00:03:39.63
I like to reference it
as the Ephesians anger.
00:03:39.66\00:03:46.42
Because Paul says
in Ephesians 4:26,
00:03:46.45\00:03:51.07
"Be ye angry and sin not. "
00:03:51.10\00:03:55.54
And so what Paul is
saying is there are times
00:03:55.57\00:03:58.76
when you will get angry.
00:03:58.79\00:03:59.89
But you should
control your anger.
00:04:00.39\00:04:02.82
The notion of understanding
that it is human to get upset
00:04:04.55\00:04:10.49
or to get frustrated, but what
it appears that the Bible is
00:04:10.52\00:04:14.98
saying is that the Spirit of
God must always reside in us.
00:04:15.01\00:04:20.68
So that we don't allow
our anger to control us.
00:04:20.71\00:04:24.60
So what we are saying to
you is that in your marriages,
00:04:25.13\00:04:30.82
you have to have the ability
to demonstrate impulse control.
00:04:30.85\00:04:36.90
You have to control
yourself when moments arise
00:04:36.93\00:04:42.12
and you are angry.
00:04:42.15\00:04:43.61
Impulse control
is very important.
00:04:43.64\00:04:46.41
And it comes with must prayer.
00:04:46.92\00:04:48.85
The second type of anger
that the Bible talks about
00:04:50.58\00:04:53.89
is what we call
Uncontrolled Anger.
00:04:53.92\00:04:57.74
I like to refer to that
as the Ecclesiastes anger
00:04:57.77\00:05:02.72
because the Bible
says in Ecclesiastes 7:9,
00:05:02.75\00:05:06.88
That's another powerful text.
It is saying that there are
00:05:20.12\00:05:24.60
individuals who are not
able to control their anger.
00:05:24.63\00:05:29.38
In fact, the
Bible calls them fools.
00:05:30.38\00:05:32.21
And you can understand
why because it appears
00:05:35.12\00:05:36.99
that when you're out of
control, you really will do
00:05:37.02\00:05:40.08
very foolish things.
00:05:40.11\00:05:42.43
Isn't anger an
issue of lack of control?
00:05:43.11\00:05:47.86
Well, it's lack of control, but
it's also a need for control.
00:05:48.61\00:05:53.34
So, people who get angry and
get out of control appears to
00:05:53.37\00:05:59.47
want more control. And
when things in their lives
00:05:59.50\00:06:02.56
are not going the way they
would like, or they need to
00:06:02.59\00:06:06.21
accomplish things that they need
to achieve, then they sometimes
00:06:06.24\00:06:10.84
get frustrated and that
gets lashed out in angry ways.
00:06:10.87\00:06:15.25
And anger can be
either overt or covert.
00:06:15.97\00:06:21.25
I'm listening and
I'm hearing you saying
00:06:24.20\00:06:27.09
all these things about anger.
00:06:27.12\00:06:29.99
But if I have covert anger,
how does that affect anyone?
00:06:30.02\00:06:35.12
Well, that sometimes
might even be more dangerous.
00:06:36.12\00:06:38.49
Because when you're covert
in the display of your behavior,
00:06:38.52\00:06:44.82
you are not up front with it.
00:06:44.85\00:06:47.14
It's almost like a
passive aggression.
00:06:47.17\00:06:49.79
So, the person who is
attacked by covert anger,
00:06:49.82\00:06:53.46
really might not see it coming.
00:06:53.49\00:06:55.39
But you're sabotaging
and you're undermining
00:06:55.42\00:06:58.08
and you're really very angry.
00:06:58.11\00:07:00.78
As a matter of fact,
we need to say to you that
00:07:01.08\00:07:05.77
frequently, the
demonstration of abusive anger
00:07:07.26\00:07:12.81
occurs behind
doors, behind closed doors.
00:07:12.84\00:07:18.73
Individuals who are very
abusive, oftentimes do not come
00:07:18.76\00:07:25.15
up front and out
doors to have it exposed.
00:07:25.18\00:07:28.30
But it is happening
right behind closed doors.
00:07:28.33\00:07:32.50
It is interesting that you
said that, because frequently
00:07:33.49\00:07:35.57
what happens with abusive
experiences or relationships
00:07:35.60\00:07:38.94
in marriages or in
the family in general,
00:07:38.97\00:07:41.14
is that the person
who is executing the anger
00:07:41.17\00:07:45.30
is perceived as a
really nice person.
00:07:46.65\00:07:50.66
And people outside of the family
who hear this would not believe
00:07:50.69\00:07:55.71
that this person is even
capable of behaving in that way.
00:07:55.74\00:07:59.23
And so that makes it so
dangerous because you're
00:07:59.26\00:08:02.79
almost afraid to ask for help.
00:08:02.82\00:08:05.63
Let me share with you
some myths about anger.
00:08:07.65\00:08:12.88
First of all, here's one.
00:08:14.75\00:08:16.21
"It can't happen to me. "
00:08:17.08\00:08:19.72
I suspect some of you listening
to this program right now
00:08:19.75\00:08:23.22
and hearing us talking
about anger and abusiveness,
00:08:23.25\00:08:26.81
you're saying to yourself, "Well
it couldn't happen to me. "
00:08:26.84\00:08:31.05
Is that a safe position to take?
00:08:31.08\00:08:33.78
It is not, because the
ability to control your impulse
00:08:34.13\00:08:39.51
is an intentional
effort that one makes.
00:08:39.54\00:08:42.38
But it is also grounded
in your spiritual connection
00:08:42.41\00:08:45.95
with the source of
power, which is the Holy Spirit.
00:08:45.98\00:08:48.95
So, we might say, and this
is what you may say to yourself,
00:08:49.15\00:08:54.28
"By the grace of God,
it will not happen to me. "
00:08:54.48\00:08:57.81
Or, "I hope by God's grace
that doesn't happen to me. "
00:08:57.84\00:09:01.03
Because, if someone is abusive,
it may happen just one time
00:09:01.06\00:09:06.63
and you allow it not to
happen again or you take steps
00:09:06.66\00:09:10.32
so it won't happen again.
But the fact that one time
00:09:10.35\00:09:13.45
is still an abusive occurrence.
So to make the broad statement,
00:09:13.48\00:09:18.21
"It can't happen to me. "
we're saying, it's too absolute.
00:09:18.24\00:09:21.58
Say, by God's grace, by God's
grace, I hope it doesn't happen.
00:09:21.61\00:09:26.36
And yes if it happens, you
should take the necessary step.
00:09:26.39\00:09:30.29
Another thing that
many individuals think,
00:09:31.82\00:09:35.36
and it's identified as a
myth, is that, "If I try harder,
00:09:35.39\00:09:40.42
he or she will
treat me better. "
00:09:40.45\00:09:43.06
And so they're taking
responsibility for the abuse.
00:09:43.09\00:09:47.14
The reality is, it's not about
the victim, it's more about the
00:09:47.17\00:09:52.11
perpetrator, the person
who is inflicting the blow
00:09:52.14\00:09:56.34
or the angry behavior.
So, it's a myth to think
00:09:56.37\00:10:00.27
that you can fix this person.
The individual who is angry
00:10:00.30\00:10:06.25
and is out of
control needs help.
00:10:06.28\00:10:09.48
You're listening to us.
Are you saying to yourself,
00:10:10.59\00:10:13.73
"If a person stays in the abuse,
well maybe it's not that bad. "
00:10:13.76\00:10:19.32
That is another myth.
00:10:19.35\00:10:22.67
There are several reasons,
several variables, circumstances
00:10:22.70\00:10:26.74
that may occasion
or cause an individual
00:10:26.77\00:10:31.01
to stay in an abusive situation.
00:10:31.04\00:10:34.66
It could be their
children. It could be because of
00:10:34.69\00:10:37.97
financial dependence.
We're not justifying it.
00:10:38.00\00:10:41.34
We're not saying it's
right to stay in the abuse.
00:10:41.37\00:10:45.10
We're only saying there
are several reasons that
00:10:45.13\00:10:47.64
individuals, because of those
variables, individuals choose
00:10:47.67\00:10:51.93
to stay in the abuse.
So, we should not conclude
00:10:51.96\00:10:55.01
that the fact that
they stay in the abuse,
00:10:55.04\00:10:57.48
well it's not that bad.
It could be very, very bad.
00:10:57.51\00:11:00.69
But because of these
circumstances, they stay in it.
00:11:00.72\00:11:03.39
In fact, we would venture to say
that abuse of any form is bad.
00:11:04.09\00:11:08.95
Another myth is that the victims
bring this on themselves.
00:11:09.93\00:11:13.30
And as a
result, they ask for it.
00:11:13.33\00:11:15.76
The reality is, the
victim may have contributed
00:11:15.79\00:11:20.29
to the frustration the
angry person is feeling.
00:11:20.32\00:11:23.30
But the victim did not
cause this person to hit them
00:11:23.33\00:11:27.99
or to relate in an angry way.
00:11:28.02\00:11:29.98
So it is a myth that the
victim caused this to happen.
00:11:30.01\00:11:33.88
And no one asks for abuse.
No one deserves to be abused.
00:11:34.28\00:11:37.54
I think I like how Genesis
1:27 puts it in a capsule.
00:11:37.57\00:11:44.96
The Bible says we are
both created in God's image.
00:11:44.99\00:11:50.47
"Male and female
created He them. "
00:11:50.50\00:11:53.83
So, no one has
autonomy over another person.
00:11:53.86\00:11:57.75
No one deserves to be abused.
00:11:58.50\00:12:01.97
And no one should be abused.
00:12:02.42\00:12:05.52
And going back to that
last myth that you spoke about.
00:12:05.55\00:12:08.96
Victims bring on
the abuse themselves.
00:12:08.99\00:12:11.42
They ask for it.
00:12:11.45\00:12:12.49
That is like
victimizing the victim.
00:12:12.52\00:12:15.63
Or secondary victimization.
00:12:16.03\00:12:17.90
That kind of a
misnomer cripples an individual
00:12:19.22\00:12:25.24
in an abusive relationship.
00:12:25.27\00:12:27.00
They hear people say these
things, talk about these things.
00:12:27.03\00:12:31.36
And they feel crippled,
and "Maybe I'm the reason".
00:12:31.39\00:12:35.33
"Maybe I'm the fault. "
00:12:35.36\00:12:36.60
So they blame themselves.
And sometimes that retards
00:12:37.33\00:12:39.91
their ability to get
the help that they need.
00:12:39.94\00:12:42.38
On both sides of it, the victim
as well as the perpetrator.
00:12:42.41\00:12:46.37
So, talking about
violating God's image.
00:12:47.17\00:12:52.59
What we are saying to you
is that abuse is never right.
00:12:52.62\00:12:57.77
Whether you are
the victim of abuse
00:12:57.80\00:13:00.49
or the perpetrator of
abuse, it doesn't matter.
00:13:00.52\00:13:03.64
Whichever side you
are on, you need help.
00:13:03.67\00:13:08.22
You need the grace of
God. You need His help.
00:13:08.25\00:13:11.43
Well, we need to move on to the
characteristics of the abuser.
00:13:11.46\00:13:15.81
And we need to
talk about how you can
00:13:15.84\00:13:17.87
evaluate your relationship.
00:13:17.90\00:13:19.95
Characteristic, that
is very important to hear.
00:13:19.98\00:13:22.58
And evaluation of
your relationship.
00:13:22.61\00:13:24.99
But you know something,
we have to take a break.
00:13:25.02\00:13:28.09
So, don't go anywhere.
Stay right where you are.
00:13:28.12\00:13:31.92
Don't touch that dial because
we're going to be right back.
00:13:31.95\00:13:34.31
We're going to talk about
characteristics of the abuser
00:13:34.34\00:13:36.90
and how to
evaluate your relationship.
00:13:36.93\00:13:39.93
There are many "How
To" books available.
00:13:50.45\00:13:52.50
But there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple.
00:13:52.53\00:13:55.70
"How You Can
Build A Better Marriage"
00:13:55.73\00:13:58.15
Bible-based, matrimonial advice
is given in a light-hearted
00:13:58.18\00:14:02.16
easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:14:02.19\00:14:05.07
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:14:05.10\00:14:07.80
and everyone in between.
Call or write for a free copy:
00:14:07.83\00:14:10.13
Welcome back to
Marriage in God's Hands.
00:14:25.41\00:14:28.83
We have been talking
about violating God's image.
00:14:28.86\00:14:34.24
We have been discussing
abusive relationships.
00:14:35.99\00:14:40.77
And when we speak
about violating God's image,
00:14:40.80\00:14:44.67
in this context,
we're talking about abuse.
00:14:44.70\00:14:48.80
We're talking
about physical abuse.
00:14:48.83\00:14:51.02
We're talking
about abusive anger.
00:14:51.05\00:14:53.57
But is this something that
we just have isolated cases?
00:14:54.30\00:15:01.38
Or are we
talking about something
00:15:01.41\00:15:06.37
that is really happening?
00:15:06.40\00:15:08.12
We have a lot of Christian
families listening to us.
00:15:08.15\00:15:12.57
Is this happening
in their families?
00:15:13.76\00:15:15.34
Is this
happening in your family?
00:15:15.37\00:15:17.12
What is the statistic saying?
00:15:17.15\00:15:18.90
It is an amazing, and I would
say even an alarming incident
00:15:18.93\00:15:24.16
that is occurring in our
families and in Christian homes
00:15:24.19\00:15:27.54
as much as in
the society at large.
00:15:27.57\00:15:29.90
The statistics show that
there is at least one incident
00:15:29.93\00:15:37.08
of physical abuse in
50% of all marriages.
00:15:37.11\00:15:43.37
50%, wow! That is very high.
00:15:43.47\00:15:47.48
But I must
commend the church for
00:15:48.58\00:15:53.80
addressing issues like these.
00:15:53.83\00:15:56.63
Because for a long time,
people were afraid to admit
00:15:56.66\00:16:00.74
or to even own that
they were experiencing
00:16:00.77\00:16:03.67
abuse in their families.
00:16:03.70\00:16:05.11
Especially in
our Christian homes.
00:16:05.14\00:16:07.27
So I think it is helpful
that families are able to admit
00:16:07.30\00:16:12.25
that this is
occurring and that we need to
00:16:12.28\00:16:14.96
stop it and we need help.
00:16:14.99\00:16:16.80
Let me say a word to those
of you who are not yet married.
00:16:17.58\00:16:21.84
If you are in a relationship
and there are signs of abuse,
00:16:23.98\00:16:28.43
for whatever the
reason, take a second look.
00:16:28.46\00:16:32.97
We call that a "red flag".
00:16:33.00\00:16:35.66
There's something that
you need to take seriously.
00:16:35.69\00:16:38.92
I received a call sometime ago
from a lady that was engaged.
00:16:38.95\00:16:44.02
And her fiancé had
slapped her a few times.
00:16:44.05\00:16:48.36
And she asked my
opinion. I spoke to her candidly
00:16:48.39\00:16:51.77
on the concept of physical abuse
00:16:51.80\00:16:54.12
as violating God's covenant.
00:16:54.15\00:16:56.77
Well, she figured
they could work it through.
00:16:56.80\00:16:59.67
So they got married.
00:16:59.70\00:17:00.75
But it wasn't
long after the marriage
00:17:00.78\00:17:03.21
that the abuse continued.
00:17:03.24\00:17:05.07
So we are encouraging
you. As a matter of fact,
00:17:05.10\00:17:08.38
what do the statistics
say about individuals who
00:17:08.41\00:17:11.32
marry their batterer?
00:17:11.35\00:17:12.55
It says that people who marry
their batterer, usually think
00:17:12.58\00:17:17.81
and anticipate
that it will get better.
00:17:17.84\00:17:20.12
But the reverse happens.
It really only gets worse.
00:17:20.15\00:17:23.66
That is so true.
00:17:24.71\00:17:25.89
Characteristics of the
abuser. You're listening to us?
00:17:26.49\00:17:30.44
Do you possess
these characteristics?
00:17:30.47\00:17:33.56
Are you an
abuser? Listen carefully.
00:17:33.59\00:17:36.01
Likely to blame the
spouse for the outburst.
00:17:36.90\00:17:42.54
"I get angry and whatever.
I throw things around. "
00:17:42.57\00:17:45.92
"I have a tantrum. " Or,
"I hit you or whatever. "
00:17:45.95\00:17:49.10
"But it's your fault", they say.
00:17:49.13\00:17:51.38
One of the chief characteristics
of an abuser, "It's your fault".
00:17:51.41\00:17:55.81
"It's because of you
why I did what I did. "
00:17:55.84\00:17:58.44
"And I'm not willing to take
responsibility for my behavior
00:17:58.47\00:18:01.94
and for my actions. "
00:18:01.97\00:18:03.15
Another characteristic is
that they're unpredictable.
00:18:03.35\00:18:06.04
Sometimes they're warm
and they are cuddly people.
00:18:06.07\00:18:10.17
People who seem friendly
and seem to relate to people
00:18:10.20\00:18:14.26
in general, to others in
general, in a very nice way.
00:18:14.29\00:18:18.20
But at home, this same
person can be volatile.
00:18:18.23\00:18:22.72
And can really
get out of control.
00:18:22.75\00:18:24.88
Speaking about warmth,
they are warm most of the times
00:18:25.58\00:18:29.95
to people outside.
But they are unexpressive
00:18:29.98\00:18:34.29
of warmth to the victim.
00:18:34.32\00:18:39.26
They don't show that empathy.
It's like they would batter
00:18:39.81\00:18:45.33
and walk away; go
eat some ice cream,
00:18:45.36\00:18:49.12
go watch a baseball game,
go visit with some friends.
00:18:49.15\00:18:53.28
And it means nothing,
even though they have left
00:18:53.31\00:18:55.69
that individual hurt
and crying, whatever it is.
00:18:55.72\00:18:58.57
There's just no empathy there.
00:18:58.60\00:19:01.06
It's as you said, no
empathy, it reminds me of
00:19:01.65\00:19:05.08
something I read that
says, people who abuse others
00:19:05.11\00:19:09.52
are unkind to animals.
00:19:09.55\00:19:11.64
The notion is, if
you would hurt an animal,
00:19:12.50\00:19:14.85
you probably would
hurt an individual.
00:19:14.88\00:19:16.76
Abusers are quick at comeback.
00:19:19.46\00:19:22.98
And they are good
at using putdowns.
00:19:23.01\00:19:27.01
We call them "PD's", putdowns.
00:19:27.04\00:19:29.45
The slightest thing,
they snap back at you.
00:19:30.48\00:19:32.61
They snap back in an angry way.
00:19:32.64\00:19:34.65
Nothing passes.
00:19:35.67\00:19:38.07
They sort of have a thin skin.
A veneer that is very thin.
00:19:38.10\00:19:44.77
Whatever happens,
they get back at you.
00:19:44.80\00:19:48.02
They get angry and will
say the most demeaning things,
00:19:48.05\00:19:52.14
the most punishing things.
00:19:52.17\00:19:53.67
Because they
want to put you down.
00:19:53.70\00:19:56.31
And usually these are
people who have what we call
00:19:57.14\00:19:58.70
a poor concept of themselves.
00:19:58.73\00:20:00.36
And they believe that
if they can minimize you,
00:20:00.39\00:20:04.05
then they will look
better. At least think that they
00:20:04.08\00:20:07.73
look better in their own eyes.
00:20:07.76\00:20:09.28
And that's one of the
reasons why they are so abusive.
00:20:09.31\00:20:13.81
They try to totally allow the
other person they're abusing,
00:20:13.84\00:20:19.44
or the victim of their
abuse, to almost shrink
00:20:19.47\00:20:22.61
in the relationship.
00:20:22.64\00:20:25.80
Now is the time for you to
evaluate your relationship.
00:20:26.24\00:20:29.71
I thank God for those
of you whose marriages
00:20:29.74\00:20:33.63
are in God's hand.
And you know that abuse
00:20:33.66\00:20:37.10
must have no part
of your relationship.
00:20:37.13\00:20:39.92
I give God praise for you.
00:20:39.95\00:20:42.19
But those of you who are
listening, whose marriages
00:20:42.22\00:20:45.12
are troubled, those of
you who are experiencing
00:20:45.15\00:20:48.52
abuse in your relationship,
00:20:48.55\00:20:50.56
now is the time for
you to do some evaluation.
00:20:52.01\00:20:55.49
So we're going to
ask you some questions.
00:20:55.52\00:20:58.20
For example, does your
spouse constantly criticize you
00:20:58.23\00:21:04.03
and criticize your abilities?
00:21:04.06\00:21:07.63
Are you a person that
is heavily criticized?
00:21:07.66\00:21:10.68
That's a sign of abuse.
00:21:10.71\00:21:12.21
Does your spouse behave
in an overprotective manner?
00:21:13.04\00:21:16.61
Or appears to be
extremely jealous?
00:21:16.64\00:21:20.10
Does your spouse
threaten to hurt you
00:21:21.39\00:21:24.52
or to hurt your family
members or your friends?
00:21:24.55\00:21:28.90
An abusive action.
00:21:28.93\00:21:30.83
Another thing that
might indicate abuse is
00:21:31.47\00:21:35.21
your spouse's inability
to have you have a network.
00:21:35.24\00:21:40.76
So, they seem even
jealous of your friends and your
00:21:40.79\00:21:44.25
relationship
with your family even.
00:21:44.28\00:21:46.54
This sometimes is a very
threatening thing to an abuser.
00:21:46.57\00:21:49.74
Does your
spouse destroy property
00:21:51.29\00:21:55.58
and throw things
around? Break up things?
00:21:55.61\00:21:59.13
I saw a man with
his hand in a sling.
00:21:59.16\00:22:02.70
And when I asked him
why was his hand in a sling,
00:22:02.73\00:22:06.18
he said he was angry with his
wife and he punched the door.
00:22:06.21\00:22:10.29
He punched it through several
times and broke his hand.
00:22:10.32\00:22:14.39
You know, another lady
told me that her husband changed
00:22:14.42\00:22:20.21
the door to their
bedroom three times
00:22:20.24\00:22:22.56
simply because each time
he's angry, he kicks the door.
00:22:22.59\00:22:26.01
So, if you have a spouse
that is destroying property
00:22:27.80\00:22:32.12
and is demonstrating
anger in that kind of a way,
00:22:32.15\00:22:34.97
self evaluate so
you know where you are.
00:22:35.00\00:22:38.04
Abusers... we're talking
about how do you know whether
00:22:39.00\00:22:43.42
this is happening
in your relationship.
00:22:43.45\00:22:45.23
If your spouse is controlling,
not just of you but of
00:22:45.33\00:22:48.98
the way you spend, there isn't
an open discussion or agreement
00:22:49.01\00:22:53.97
on what your ability to
spend is within the budget.
00:22:54.00\00:22:58.43
And so, they have you give
account for every cent that
00:22:58.46\00:23:02.89
is spent and they want to
know. And you have to justify
00:23:02.92\00:23:05.63
why you needed this,
and that you needed this.
00:23:05.66\00:23:09.02
And that's just a sign
that this person needs control
00:23:09.05\00:23:14.27
and could likely be an abuser.
00:23:14.30\00:23:16.33
Does your spouse hit you,
punch you, slap you, shove you,
00:23:16.85\00:23:22.99
choke you, grab you, all
those kinds of physical abuses?
00:23:23.02\00:23:29.12
If that is happening, no
matter how the person tries to
00:23:29.15\00:23:32.66
explain it, that's abuse.
00:23:32.69\00:23:34.97
Now, we're talking about
physical abuse, but there are
00:23:35.46\00:23:37.52
other forms of abuse, and we've
not gone into all of those.
00:23:37.55\00:23:41.56
But we do want to
underscore emotional abuse.
00:23:41.59\00:23:44.70
Because I think, many people
are not necessarily being hit
00:23:44.73\00:23:47.96
and slapped around, but
that they're emotionally abused.
00:23:47.99\00:23:51.40
They are told words
that hurt their feelings.
00:23:51.43\00:23:55.27
Things that minimize them
as an individual and they feel
00:23:55.30\00:23:58.70
less than human. The
attempt is to diminish
00:23:58.73\00:24:01.71
their self worth, to embarrass
them in front of others.
00:24:01.74\00:24:04.85
Or even for them to
walk around feeling small and
00:24:04.88\00:24:07.82
feeling less than. So
if you're in a relationship
00:24:07.85\00:24:10.14
where your spouse makes
you feel, or says things to you
00:24:10.17\00:24:14.18
that allow you to feel
less than God's daughter,
00:24:14.21\00:24:18.27
or God's son,
then that is abusive.
00:24:18.30\00:24:20.76
The role of marriage is to
empower us to feel our best
00:24:20.79\00:24:24.84
and to be our
best. And not to destroy
00:24:24.88\00:24:27.42
our spirit and to rob us
of our personal integrity.
00:24:27.45\00:24:31.56
Here are some steps to
take for uncontrolled anger.
00:24:32.28\00:24:37.48
First of all, identify the
factors that trigger the anger.
00:24:38.32\00:24:44.25
For example, if your spouse
leaves the socks on the floor,
00:24:44.28\00:24:48.69
does that cause you to get
upset and say unkind things?
00:24:48.72\00:24:52.48
Or maybe leaving dirty
dishes in the kitchen sink,
00:24:52.51\00:24:57.93
does that cause you
to get angry or upset?
00:24:57.96\00:25:01.84
Maybe he didn't make the bed,
or she didn't make up the bed.
00:25:02.49\00:25:07.00
How do you react?
00:25:07.03\00:25:08.92
Those are some of the
factors that can trigger anger.
00:25:09.54\00:25:14.00
Identify them and deal with
them before the anger comes.
00:25:14.03\00:25:16.96
Another thing that needs to
happen, is you must first admit
00:25:17.89\00:25:20.91
that you have an anger problem.
00:25:20.94\00:25:22.86
Many people who
are abusive justify it.
00:25:22.89\00:25:26.14
You know, this is the
way men are suppose to be.
00:25:26.17\00:25:28.13
This is the way a
woman is suppose to be.
00:25:28.16\00:25:30.25
Or, "I won't take this
from any man and so I am going
00:25:30.28\00:25:33.64
to then be abusive. "
00:25:33.67\00:25:35.12
So, you must
first get out of denial
00:25:35.15\00:25:38.36
that you're
behavior is justified.
00:25:38.40\00:25:40.13
If your spouse is
saying, "You hurt my feelings
00:25:40.16\00:25:44.47
when you do this
or when you say this",
00:25:44.50\00:25:46.43
you need to hear that.
00:25:46.46\00:25:47.92
Remove the negative messages
that you're sending yourselves
00:25:49.10\00:25:51.95
and replace them
with positive ones.
00:25:51.98\00:25:55.10
Call a friend, talk to someone.
00:25:55.94\00:25:58.97
In other words,
don't bear it alone.
00:25:59.00\00:26:02.06
Talk honestly with
someone you can trust.
00:26:02.09\00:26:06.44
And then, we think that
an abuser is somebody who is
00:26:07.07\00:26:12.85
possessed with demonic
spirits, wouldn't you say?
00:26:12.88\00:26:17.88
Yeah, in a case
like that, you have to
00:26:19.00\00:26:22.03
take it to God in prayer.
00:26:22.06\00:26:23.53
Sometimes you may want to
identify a prayer partner.
00:26:24.12\00:26:27.48
You may have to fast
and pray for strength.
00:26:27.51\00:26:31.26
There's no question that
the individual may need to get
00:26:31.29\00:26:35.24
professional help,
professional counseling.
00:26:35.27\00:26:38.67
But the bottom line
of all covenant breakers
00:26:38.70\00:26:44.08
violating God's image
is that you have to claim
00:26:44.11\00:26:49.02
the promises of God.
00:26:49.06\00:26:51.46
You have to be able to
understand that he that
00:26:51.49\00:26:55.57
comes to God must believe
that He is, and that He is a
00:26:55.60\00:26:59.83
rewarder of them
that diligently seek Him.
00:26:59.86\00:27:02.87
So we have to diligently
seek God and ask for help.
00:27:02.90\00:27:06.21
So we're saying, abuse
is not just a family matter.
00:27:06.24\00:27:09.49
But it is a spiritual problem.
00:27:09.99\00:27:13.15
It is something that we
have to allow God to help us.
00:27:13.74\00:27:17.19
Don't take it for granted, don't
say, "Well, I'll get over it. "
00:27:17.22\00:27:21.13
Don't ignore it, as we
say, don't stay in denial.
00:27:21.16\00:27:24.28
We have to be humble
enough and be willing enough to
00:27:24.77\00:27:30.01
know that we want our
marriages, we want our
00:27:30.04\00:27:33.34
marriages to
stay in God's hands.
00:27:33.37\00:27:35.68
For that to
happen, you must trust Him.
00:27:35.71\00:27:38.78
Put your hand
in the hand of God.
00:27:38.81\00:27:40.68
Let God guide
you and direct you.
00:27:40.71\00:27:43.72
May He bless you.
00:27:43.75\00:27:45.18