Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000044
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and I'm the host of this program. 00:37 I'm June Smith. And I've been married 00:41 to Alanzo for the last 31 years. 00:44 We have a grown daughter, Lynn. 00:46 And today we'll talk about seven mistakes parent's often make. 00:53 Before we do that however, won't you bow with me as we pray. 00:59 Father God, we commit our marriages into Your hand. 01:04 We commit our children into Your care. 01:07 We ask for Your blessings, for Your guidance, 01:11 and for Your love. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen. 01:18 As I travel around the world, I see the same problem 01:23 just about everywhere. 01:26 There are truancy problems, crimes, violence, 01:32 proliferation of drugs. It's happening everywhere. 01:37 You parents, you have to keep close to the Lord. 01:42 And you have to keep your children close to the Lord. 01:46 I like what Ellen G. White says. Read with me this passage: 02:07 So what this is saying is that a family that is 02:09 well disciplined, a Christian family, that follows the 02:13 precepts and principles of the Lord is as beautiful 02:17 as ophir and gold. 02:20 Wow, that's awesome. That's awesome. 02:24 Parents need to understand that sometimes 02:27 they make some mistakes. 02:30 And unfortunately, they can become costly mistakes. 02:35 Sometimes they make them and they are not even 02:38 conscious of them. So we're going to identify 02:41 seven costly mistakes that parents make. 02:45 We're going to share each one with you. 02:48 The first mistake is: 02:57 We live in a materialistic society. 03:00 I think sometimes parents get caught up with the drive 03:04 to give and to shower their children with material things. 03:09 Simply because their peers have it. 03:12 And so, sometimes the children demand that they have it to. 03:17 And unfortunately, this does not make them necessarily, 03:23 become very happy. And of course, it is 03:27 not providing love to your children. 03:31 You know, I've seen so many children who get so much. 03:34 And they're not even appreciative of the 03:37 sacrifices of the things that their parents are giving them. 03:40 They have toys, sometimes, in boxes that haven't 03:43 even been opened. 03:44 And for them, it's just another toy. 03:46 It really means very little. So it appears, that's not 03:50 really what children need. 03:52 And happiness is not about what we possess. 03:57 We have seen so many children in so many parts of the world, 04:01 including this Unites States of America, who have little 04:05 and yet they are happy. 04:06 So, it's not about how much we have. 04:09 It's the love that we show our children. 04:12 That is the important thing, the love you show your children. 04:16 Isn't that what God did for us? 04:19 God, He gave us many things, a lot of things. 04:22 But the greatest gift is His Son. 04:26 John tells us that. 04:39 God's greatest gift to us is His love. 04:43 And we're to emulate that by giving to our children 04:47 the greatest gift that we can give them and that is our love. 04:51 I like how you put it when you talk about hugs. 04:55 And how we are to hug our children. 04:58 You know, Virginia Satir talks about the quantity of hugs 05:03 that a child needs daily in order to feel secure and to 05:07 grow up emotionally healthy. 05:09 And she identifies between 8 to 12 hugs per day. 05:13 And I thought, what a great way to help children affirm 05:19 that they are special and they are loved. 05:22 The second costly mistake that parents make is: 05:36 Alliances with their children. And that is also costly. 05:40 Simply because, when you form an alliance with a child, 05:44 against your spouse or against another child, 05:49 that has negative consequences. 05:52 Now we talked about this as it related to the marriage couple. 05:54 But this also happens between parents and child. 05:58 And we identified earlier the relationship between 06:01 Joseph and his dad, where one child is identified 06:06 as the favored child. Now think about 06:08 being in a family with two or three or more children. 06:11 And you all know that this one child, one sibling, 06:15 is your mom's, or your dad's, or your parents favorite. 06:18 It leaves you feeling less than special. 06:20 And that's not what we want to do with our children. 06:22 We want all our children to feel grounded and to 06:25 know that they are special. And to experience love. 06:29 And the difference between projection and alliance 06:31 is that, where as the parent who projects onto a child 06:35 may do so out of their own need for emotional security. 06:39 In the context of alliance, it's often formed in a negative way 06:44 to go against, to form a bond against the father, 06:51 to form a bond against another sibling. 06:55 So alliances in all its forms, takes on a negative connotation. 07:01 That usually happens when a parent or the child himself, 07:04 or herself, feels weak and feels less than able or capable 07:09 to stand on their own. And so they lean on or 07:12 they get enmeshed in this relationship with the weakest 07:15 parent, and usually that makes them feel stronger. 07:18 But in essence, it is not a very healthy way 07:21 emotionally for that family. 07:23 The third costly mistake that parents make is: 07:30 lack of structure and boundaries. 07:39 We spoke about boundaries before 07:41 as it relates to the husband and the wife. 07:44 But boundaries are important. Structure within a family 07:49 for the children is very much important. 07:54 If children are not given rules, and given boundaries within 08:00 which they perform and they they function, they're left 08:04 feeling very insecure. In fact, some parents 08:07 make the mistake of thinking children want their freedom. 08:10 And they want to have all the opportunities 08:13 to go when they want, or to come when they want. 08:15 And when you talk to children or adolescents in general, 08:18 they don't, they really want parents to tell them 08:22 what is safe, and what is good, and what is secure. 08:25 So it is a mistake to think that you should leave your child 08:29 up to do their own thing. God gave children parents 08:32 for a reason. And He knew 08:35 that they're young and impressionable and 08:38 they need to be guided in the direction that they should go. 08:42 As the Good Book says, train up a child in the way he should go 08:47 and when he's old, he's not likely to depart from it. 08:51 Parents, listen to me. Eli made that same mistake. 08:57 He did not provide structure for his children. 09:02 There were no boundaries. And the Bible tells us, 09:05 those children grew up not loving the Lord, not respecting 09:09 law and authority, as it were, and we read 09:12 of the tragedy and devastation. 09:15 God intents for you to be parents. 09:18 It is God's intention for you to provide care, for you to 09:22 provide nurture, for you to provide love. 09:24 In providing those, it must be within the context of structure 09:29 and boundaries. Nothing is wrong. 09:32 We're not saying that you are to imprison them. 09:34 We're not saying that you are to become overbearing. 09:36 What we are saying, children, as they are growing up, 09:39 they need to grow up in an environment where there are 09:41 boundaries and structure. They understand it 09:44 and they respect it. 09:46 The fourth costly mistake that parents make is what we call: 10:00 Describe this process for me. 10:03 What tends to happen is that the parent reverses the role 10:07 with the child. 10:08 So, instead of being the parent and giving limits 10:11 and setting the rules and the standards 10:15 at which your child functions, the child takes over and 10:18 the child makes the decision. And sometimes the child 10:21 instructs the parents on what they're doing 10:23 and where they're going. And the parents have little 10:26 authority over the child. So, when there's a 10:28 role reversal, then we see parentification, 10:31 the child taking on the role of the parent. 10:34 So that's the term. Role reversal. 10:36 Parentification is a role reversal where the child 10:40 takes on the role of the parent and the parent takes on the 10:43 role of the child. I saw that happening. 10:46 Once I was in a store, we were at the checkout 10:51 counter, and the child was pulling down just about 10:53 everything in sight. And the mother kept calling 10:56 and calling to the child. But she would not respond. 10:59 Eventually the mother, out of embarrassment I suppose, 11:02 slapped the child. Which was an 11:03 inappropriate thing to do. Well guess what, the child 11:06 slapped back the mother. So the mother in her 11:09 embarrassment, she slapped back the child. 11:11 And it went on back and forth for a little while. 11:14 And finally, the mother was the last one, 11:16 the one who got the last slap. Because it was reaching a point 11:20 where it was too embarrassing and it was becoming an abusive 11:23 situation here now. The idea here is that 11:26 there should have been guidance, and boundary, and 11:29 structure long ago so that at this point 11:32 the child would have understood. 11:35 The fifth costly mistake that we want to talk about is: 11:50 It is regrettable but so true that sometimes children are 11:53 allowed to misbehave. 11:56 And that is often celebrated within a family. 11:59 And that's a mistake. 12:00 You know when children are little and cute, and they do 12:02 things or say things, and we say, "oh they're precocious". 12:05 The reality is the family members tend to celebrate. 12:09 "Oh, she's two going on five. " Or five going on twenty. 12:12 But when that same child performs that inappropriate 12:16 behavior at sixteen, it no longer is cute. 12:19 And then it becomes a problem. And so we want to train the 12:22 child right, up front, so that they learn what is acceptable 12:27 and what is appropriate. And then hopefully they'll 12:29 grown up to be healthy and good Christians. 12:32 We have been talking about seven costly mistakes 12:36 that parents makes. 12:37 So far we have identified five of them. 12:41 We have to take a break. When we come back, 12:45 we will talk about the other two. 12:47 You stay right there. Don't go away, because 12:50 we'll be coming right back. And we have some powerful 12:53 stuff to share with you. Not only are we going to 12:56 talk about those two, we have many other things to talk about. 13:00 So make sure you stay right there. 13:02 You're going to enjoy this time together. 13:17 There are many "How To" books available. 13:19 But there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:22 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:25 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:29 easy to read manner for contemplating marriage, 13:32 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:35 and everyone in between. Simply call or write: 13:52 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 13:55 We have been talking about seven costly mistakes 13:59 that parents make. 14:00 And indeed, parents need to understand the importance 14:05 of not making these mistakes. 14:09 The sixth one that we want to emphasize is: 14:18 Children go through developmental stages. 14:21 And they're specific tasks that they should accomplish 14:25 during each phase. And when you look at 14:28 some children, you definitely see that 14:32 they're inappropriately dressed. They're just engaging in 14:36 activities that is age inappropriate. 14:38 And you can only conclude that children are rushed 14:45 into another phase of their development. 14:48 And that's a mistake. 14:50 Recently I was talking to a young lady. 14:53 And she talked about a relationship that she has 14:56 been in for a long period of time. 14:59 Based on the time she told me and her age, 15:02 it means that she must have started that relationship 15:05 when she was thirteen or fourteen years of age. 15:09 Clearly, that's one of the signs of rushing puberty. 15:14 A thirteen year old, a fourteen year old is not ready to engage 15:18 in that kind of relationship. And the worst part of it is 15:21 when you, as a parent, encourage it. 15:24 When you, as a parent, maybe turn your eyes away 15:29 refusing to acknowledge that this is what's going on, 15:32 and to provide help and guidance for your child. 15:37 I think there are times when inappropriate conversations 15:40 are held with a child. 15:42 We talked about boundaries and limits. 15:44 This is one of them. There're just some things 15:47 the children should not have knowledge of 15:50 that's between the parents or between the adults. 15:53 And unfortunately, some children are brought 15:57 into these relationships. It creates an emotional burden 16:00 and it is just totally inappropriate to have 16:02 the child being exposed to some of that. 16:05 And when you engage in inappropriate discussion 16:09 in front of your child or your children, it also has damaging 16:16 and lasting consequences. We have to be age appropriate. 16:20 We keep emphasizing that. Age appropriate. 16:23 When you're in conversation with your children about 16:26 something that happens at church, or something that 16:29 happens with a friend or a neighbor, that is really not 16:32 appropriate, you're not helping your child. 16:34 Actually you're rushing, you're pushing the child to grow up 16:39 faster than that child needs to. 16:41 So we're saying, don't rush puberty. 16:43 Allow the child to enjoy... As a matter of fact, 16:46 after the child grows up into a teenager and even older, 16:50 you're going to be longing to go back to those years 16:53 when you have that special moment with your child. 16:56 So don't rush it, enjoy their youthful growth. 16:59 And enjoy it with them. 17:02 The seventh factor that we want to identify as a mistake 17:06 that many parents make is one we identify as failure to 17:11 encourage their child or children to accept the Lord. 17:16 That is a big one. 17:19 Often times, as parents, you think it's your duty 17:23 to encourage your children to study hard, to make good grades, 17:28 and that's good. Nothing is wrong with that. 17:30 You encourage your children to get into the best schools. 17:34 And that is good. And you see that as part 17:36 of your responsibility. But my question to you is, 17:41 do you see it as part of your responsibility to encourage 17:46 your child to accept the Lord? 17:48 Or do you say, "Well when they feel like it. 17:52 I'm not going to rush them. " You just allow them to make 17:56 that decision on their own. Or is it part of your 17:59 responsibility to help them, to encourage them to make 18:03 that decision for the Lord. Parents, listen to me. 18:08 It does not matter how successful your children are. 18:12 It does not matter how good a person they marry. 18:15 It does not matter what they possess. 18:18 If they do not have Jesus Christ in their heart, 18:21 and as part of their lives, they will have lost it all. 18:24 That is the most important gift that you can 18:27 give to your children. 18:29 You know, throughout our ministry, we have seen that 18:32 as a pervasive challenge. Where you have a church crusade 18:37 or you have a community outreach and you encourage children to 18:41 respond and to give their hearts to the Lord. 18:43 And the parent will say, "Oh my child is only thirteen or my 18:47 child is too young. " And yet as you rightly said, 18:51 the child is engaged in other decisions that may be 18:56 inappropriate, but the parent doesn't see that as an issue. 18:59 So, we're saying that's a mistake. 19:01 And hopefully, parents will take it as a primary responsibility. 19:05 And that's a most costly one, if you please. 19:08 There are parenting styles, though, and as your read 19:10 many books, they have different forms of parenting styles 19:14 that they purport. I think the most 19:16 common ones that you will find these days are the 19:19 authoritarian style, the permissive, 19:23 and of course the authoritative. 19:25 Talk to us on each one. Let's look at the first one. 19:28 Tell your audience, tell those parents that are listening 19:33 the good or the bad of these parenting styles. 19:37 The authoritarian parent who demands. 19:41 As you suggest, or the word authority suggests, he is in 19:44 or she is in command. And usually, that form of 19:49 parenting, or that style of parenting tends to allow 19:53 children or the other members of the family to resist 19:57 the authority. And it's not a good thing. 19:59 Much like in many cultures or settings, people don't like to 20:04 be dictated to or to be commanded. 20:06 So, in a family, you want to have dialogue. 20:09 You want to be able to have input and to listen and to have 20:12 other people part of this decision making. 20:14 So the authoritarian style of parenting is not recommended. 20:19 Now the permissive is, on the other hand, the opposite of that 20:22 where anything goes. It's almost like a 20:24 laissez-faire environment where the parents are not in charge. 20:28 So where as in the authoritarian there are 20:30 rigid boundaries and the child is rarely listened to, 20:34 and very rigid communication patterns. 20:38 In the laissez-faire, or permissive parenting style, 20:42 the child is the parent. It's almost like 20:45 parentification takes place. There's very little instruction 20:48 if any, and the boundaries are very blurred. 20:51 However, in the authoritative parenting style, it's more like 20:57 a democratic parenting style. Where there is free flow of 21:02 communication and the parents are able to listen to 21:05 their children, or the other spouse, 21:07 and the children can do the same. 21:09 So that's a more acceptable or effective form of parenting. 21:15 Earlier on, we spoke about the challenges that parents face. 21:21 And we identified some of them. The truancy, the lack of respect 21:27 that is in the society, etc. 21:30 There are warning signs, parents, there are warning signs 21:34 that you can observe. Sometimes at an early stage 21:37 to tell you whether or not your child is in trouble. 21:41 So let me identify some of these early warning signs 21:46 that you should look for. And if you see them, 21:49 that you need to know, something is not going right 21:52 and I need to do something about it. 21:55 For example, if your child is unable to maintain 21:59 wholesome relationships... 22:03 Now peer relationship is a part of adolescence. 22:06 In fact, it starts very early in life. 22:08 Children start to bond with each other. 22:10 And as they grow older into their development, 22:12 they develop their own peer relationships. 22:15 But if they're already exhibiting signs of problems 22:18 in getting along with their own parents, then that's a sign 22:22 that something maybe wrong and the child needs help. 22:26 Low self esteem. 22:29 I'm a parent, and I see my child is having low self esteem, 22:36 parents listening to us, they have their children, 22:40 and they see signs of low self esteem, 22:43 tell them, where do they go from here? 22:47 First, they want to spot that and try to find out what is 22:50 going on with this child. Engage the child in a 22:52 conversation, try to find out what are their fears? 22:54 What are their anxieties? Children don't feel good 22:57 about themselves, sometimes, because they've been told 22:59 that they're not capable, or they're not able, or they 23:02 compete with their peers. They're not doing as well, 23:05 so they don't feel competent. So the parent has to try to 23:08 uncover what is the real reason. 23:10 And if you don't have the skills to do that, then you might 23:12 want to take your child to a counselor, or somebody who can 23:15 help you understand how to work at that. 23:18 But the fact is, children are expected to perform the tasks 23:23 that they should be doing at each phase of their development. 23:25 And if, as a parent, you don't see that happening 23:28 then you need to get the child help. 23:30 Another warning sign is suicidal ideation. 23:35 Parents, this is not something that you should take lightly. 23:39 In the United States of America, for example, over 1 million 23:45 children commit suicide in any given year. 23:49 And around the world, the statistics vary, but in 23:53 every country, we have teenagers, young people, 23:57 who are committing suicide. When the child talks about 24:00 the feeling of wanting to hurt, or harm, or kill 24:04 himself or herself, it is to be taken seriously. 24:07 It's not something that you overlook. 24:09 Get help for your child right away. 24:12 Suicidal ideation is something, as a parent, you must take 24:16 very, very seriously. 24:18 The challenge with that is, that children don't just 24:20 necessarily come out and say, "Oh, I'm going to kill myself. " 24:23 But they make statements like, "I don't want to be around. " 24:26 Or, "I hate this life," or "I'm going to get out of here. " 24:30 You know, things that indicate that they feel overwhelmed. 24:33 And sometimes it's like a last resort where the child is unable 24:37 to solve the problem that they are confronted with. 24:40 And so they think, "If I can escape it" and their little 24:43 minds are not very concrete. So they think, "Oh, I can 24:46 get out of this situation and then I can come back in the next 24:49 couple of weeks or so. " Much like the movies project. 24:53 And that is an issue. So you want to listen 24:57 to your children's conversation. If you hear them make statements 24:59 that gives you concerns, you want to get them help. 25:03 Well, what can parents do? 25:06 We're talking about the early signs. 25:09 What can you do? I'm sure you're asking us. 25:12 "Yes, I see those signs. What can we do?" 25:15 First of all, be a role model for your child. 25:20 A lady said as she was complaining to her psychologist, 25:22 she said, "You know, I think my child is doing drugs. " 25:26 So the psychologist said, "How would you know that?" 25:29 She said, "Well, because I am missing some of my drugs. " 25:34 Wow, you have to be a role model for your child. 25:39 That's important. 25:41 So the things you're asking your child to do, 25:42 you should be doing yourself. If you want him to go to church, 25:45 if you want him to study the bible, if you want him to 25:48 progress, then you ought to be doing and practicing that. 25:51 Spend quality time with your children. 25:53 That is also important. 25:55 Spending time, bonding with them. 25:57 Be there for them, hug them, kiss them, show them love. 26:01 Again not things, love. 26:04 Listen to your children. Ensure there is a two-way 26:08 communications, not just about you telling them what to do. 26:11 But you listen to what their needs are, you listen to what 26:13 their fears are, what their concerns are. 26:15 Listen to who their friends are. 26:18 And recognize peer pressure. Peer pressure has this 26:21 awesome power to make or break your children. 26:25 You have to talk to them and help them to develop 26:28 their own autonomy, to believe in themselves, 26:31 believe in their God. 26:32 Love them, nurture them, care for them. 26:35 But understand the power of peer pressure. 26:38 And talk to your children about that. 26:40 Sometimes, children feel inadequate. 26:42 And they may not be doing well in school, or they may not be 26:45 performing at the levels at which they're expected. 26:47 And so they, sometimes, act out to get your attention 26:51 or to escape the pressure that they feel 26:54 and often go into deviance. So, wherever you see this 26:57 happening, we're saying, get help for your child. 27:00 Because there are people who are trained and able 27:03 to help your child understand what they're 27:06 experiencing, and repair the damage that is done. 27:10 Above all, take it to the Lord in prayer. 27:13 We keep seeing, except the Lord build the house, 27:16 they labor in vain that build it. 27:18 Take it to the Lord. And some of you parents 27:21 you need to invite Jesus back into your home. 27:24 You need to allow Jesus Christ to be the master ruler 27:29 of your heart, of your lives, of your family. 27:32 and of your children. 27:34 Thank you so much for listening to us. 27:36 We want you to have healthy parenting. 27:39 We will be praying for you. 27:41 We want God to continue to bless you. 27:43 And may you have a happy home. |
Revised 2014-12-17