Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000043
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith and I'm the host of this program. 00:37 I'm June Smith and I've been married to Alanzo 00:41 for many years. 00:43 And we have worked with many couples. 00:46 We're both counselor educators and today we will be 00:50 talking about conflicts in marriages. 00:53 You noticed she didn't say how many years? 00:55 It's not a long time. Just 31 years. 01:00 Before we do that however, would you bow with me as we pray? 01:07 Father, we thank you for Your mercies and for Your grace. 01:11 We thank You for the power You have to restore families. 01:14 Where there is a discord, Lord we pray You will bring peace. 01:19 And may marriages around the world find oneness in You. 01:24 In Jesus name, Amen. Amen. 01:30 In the Bible, we have a story about Abraham and Lot. 01:37 There was tension in the family, between the herdsmen of Lot 01:43 and the herdsmen of Abraham. 01:46 It was the kind of tension that could destroy the family. 01:51 Abraham, recognizing that, called Lot 01:55 and spoke to him eloquently. 01:59 In Genesis 13:8, I invite you to read with me this text: 02:21 Imbedded in this text is the notion of conflict resolution. 02:30 We want to share with you some positive ways of 02:36 resolving conflicts and to share with you some negative ways 02:40 that individuals use when trying to resolve a conflict. 02:45 Let's first share with you some of those negative ones. 02:50 The notion of isolating from each other 02:55 when there's a conflict. 02:57 That presents a problem for marital relationships. 03:03 If we're going to solve our problems, 03:05 and some families have problems. 03:08 But it is good that they're attempting to solve it. 03:11 However, sometimes they use an ineffective method. 03:17 The idea of withdrawing from each other, of isolating 03:23 themselves one from the other is not an effective way to do that. 03:28 As a matter of fact, there are two types of isolation. 03:32 There is what you call physical isolation and 03:35 there is emotional isolation. 03:38 Let's look at physical isolation first. 03:42 Marriages that practice physical isolation might be doing? 03:49 Taking, for example, themselves out of the bedroom. 03:53 Removing themselves from the house all together. 03:56 So, one may sleep in one room and the other sleep 04:00 in the other room because there's a conflict 04:03 and they're not willing to resolve it. 04:05 But, walking away from the issue isolating from each other, 04:10 is that really helping the process? 04:12 In fact, it makes it more challenging. 04:14 Because now you've shut down communication 04:16 and the problem stays there. 04:18 And at whatever point you choose to rejoin your partner, 04:22 the problem is still there. 04:23 So removing yourself from the stage or from the scene 04:27 really isn't helping the situation. 04:30 So, what I want you to understand is that in your 04:35 marital relationship, you will have conflict. 04:39 But the way you handle it makes a big difference. 04:43 And to isolate yourself from the problem, to stay away, 04:48 not to address it, to walk away, does not help the situation. 04:52 We're saying, you're to find a way of trying to resolve it. 04:56 But certainly, walking away is not a resolution. 05:00 Now there's also what we call emotional isolation 05:03 where one party, or sometimes both, emotionally shuts down. 05:09 They begin to feel pain or feel the frustration and weight of 05:15 the conflict and they get turned off emotionally from each other. 05:19 And they could go on in the same physical space for awhile 05:24 but they're not communicating effectively. 05:27 And somehow things start getting shutdown. 05:31 When the emotion is not in the relationship, 05:34 it creates a lot of damage, emotional damage. 05:38 And so many other things are at stake here. 05:41 So we're saying, it's a poor way, it's a poor way to try 05:46 to resolve a conflict by simply isolating yourself 05:50 from your spouse. 05:53 The concept of winning, this is the one that most times 05:58 people resort to. 05:59 There's a conflict, and in trying to resolve the conflict, 06:03 they feel they have to argue to the point where at the 06:07 end of the argument, they feel they won. 06:11 A marriage is not about winning over the other. 06:14 When there is a problem, we both lose 06:18 if the problem is not solved. 06:19 So what we are encouraging couples to do, and what we are 06:23 encouraging you to do, is to work through your challenge, 06:26 to find a way of saying "This is upsetting," 06:31 or "I am frustrated that you are doing this," 06:34 or "I would like for you to change this behavior. " 06:36 But certainly to try to win and exercise power over the other 06:42 is not going to help the situation. 06:44 One of the dangers of trying to win an argument is that 06:49 symmetrical escalation sets in. 06:52 When we talk about symmetrical escalation, what we're talking 06:55 about is vindictiveness leading to more vindictiveness. 06:59 So, I say something bitter about you because you hurt 07:05 my feelings, and I want you to know you did hurt my feelings, 07:08 so I'm going to try to punish you more. 07:10 But guess what? 07:11 You're not going to take it. 07:13 You're going to want to add more to that, 07:16 so you're going to say something more vindictive. 07:18 If I want to win the argument, I'm telling myself, 07:21 in order for me to win, I have to have the last blow. 07:24 And you're saying the same thing. 07:26 So the argument escalates and escalates. 07:29 And that's why it's called symmetrical escalation. 07:31 Because it just keeps rising higher and higher, 07:33 louder and louder. 07:34 More punishing blows, more negative things. 07:37 And clearly that's going to be more devastating and more 07:40 destructive to the family than helping or healing. 07:43 Sometimes when there's a conflict, one person assumes 07:46 what they identify as the superior position. 07:50 And in some circles, it's referred to as the 07:53 "one up, one down" relationship. 07:56 Ellen G. White says, talking about 07:59 "one up, one down" relationships: 08:20 That's precisely what we're endorsing when we're 08:23 talking about "one up, one down" relationships. 08:26 That an individual should not assume this "up" position 08:30 in the relationship and exercising arbitrary control 08:35 over the person they want to keep 08:38 in this "down" relationship. 08:40 In a marriage, the notion of inferior and superior 08:44 really has no place. 08:46 Both individuals are partners, loving partners. 08:50 And it is God's intent that we live in harmony and in unity. 08:55 So, this is clearly not recommended as a way 09:00 to perceive the state or status of each other, 09:04 nor to use to solve conflicts in a relationship. 09:08 So we're talking to you about how not to try 09:12 to resolve a conflict. 09:13 We're saying to you, don't isolate yourself 09:17 from each other. 09:18 Try to come together and work on the issue. 09:21 Secondly, don't try to win an argument. 09:24 If you try to win the fight, you're going to have 09:28 what we call symmetrical escalation, 09:30 where the argument escalates. 09:32 And thirdly we're saying, don't have what is considered a 09:37 "one up, one down" relationship where it's 09:40 always your opinion, your decision, your way, 09:44 whatever you want, and the other person does not have a say. 09:48 "One up, one down" relationships are not helpful. 09:51 They create more conflict and invite more conflict 09:55 in the relationship. 09:56 Now we have the compromise. 09:58 We recommend that this, although it's not the best way or 10:04 only way to resolve a conflict, that a compromise 10:07 sometimes is necessary. 10:09 And a compromise implies both parties move into the center. 10:14 Each person willing to give a little to get a little. 10:18 The goal is, we're both on the same team. 10:22 We want to both win in our interest. 10:25 And so we're encouraging people to think carefully about their 10:30 goal of resolving the conflict. 10:33 It is for the interest of the family. 10:36 Abraham took precisely this approach. 10:40 When he went to Lot and said, "Let there be no strife 10:46 between me and thee," actually, what Abraham was 10:49 calling for was a compromise. 10:51 He says, "Ok, if you will take the land over here, 10:54 then I will go over here. 10:56 And if you will take that part, then I will go there. " 10:59 In other words, he was willing to compromise 11:01 because he wanted peace. 11:03 His family was important. 11:04 Notice what he said, "Let there be no strife 11:08 for we are brethren. " 11:10 And can you imagine how families would do 11:14 so much better if at some point in a conflict someone could 11:18 say, "Let there be no strife between you and me 11:21 because we are a family. 11:23 Let's not allow this thing to escalate beyond, 11:25 because we're a family. " 11:27 It's like a check point. 11:29 We are together, we're one, we have the same goal. 11:33 We're working towards the same goal. 11:35 Therefore, let's try to work things out. 11:38 Compromise is a very powerful therapeutic way 11:42 of resolving a conflict. 11:45 Children live what they learn. 11:48 And in families, when we have a conflict, we don't 11:51 necessarily say to the child, "This is how adults 11:54 resolve their issues. " 11:55 But the child learns. 11:57 And when they grow up and have their own families, 11:59 they perpetuate what they observe. 12:02 So it is important, not only for us to think about the issue 12:06 at stake between the two adults, but to understand the impact 12:10 that the method we use is having on our children. 12:16 Clearly, what we're asking you to do 12:19 is for you to be able to come to the table 12:23 and give a little and take a little. 12:27 When you're going into conflict resolution, there are times when 12:32 your complete ideas may not be totally met, 12:35 but you're willing to give and take. 12:37 That's the whole idea, that's the whole rationale 12:40 behind conflict resolution. 12:42 And that's exactly what God is expecting from us. 12:45 We're to be able to give and take. 12:48 It's the essence of a healthy Christian relationship. 12:52 And families that are growing stronger and want to avoid 12:56 having conflict, they have to know how to resolve a conflict. 13:00 Well, we're going to pause here because we 13:03 need to go for a break. 13:04 But guess what? 13:05 We will be right back. 13:07 We're going to ask you, don't go away. 13:08 Or if you have to rush out, make sure you get back here 13:11 right in time because we'll be right back. 13:24 There are many "How To" books available, 13:26 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:29 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:32 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:36 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:38 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:41 and everyone in between. 13:43 Simply call or write for your free copy. 14:00 Welcome back to Marriage In God's Hands. 14:03 We have been talking about conflicts in marriages. 14:07 And so, we have shared with you already, 14:10 not to isolate from each other, not to try to win the argument, 14:16 not to have a "one up, one down" relationship. 14:19 And now we have discussed compromise 14:22 as a viable alternative. 14:24 The next one we want to introduce to you is resolution. 14:30 The notion of resolution indicates we want to 14:34 solve this problem. 14:35 So what you do when you have a conflict and when a 14:38 conflict is facing your marriage is; one, you must identify 14:42 what the problem is. 14:43 Then you need to brainstorm and look at what your options are. 14:47 And then both of you and whoever else is involved, 14:51 needs to pick one of those solutions and implement it. 14:56 So you're working towards a reasonable outcome 15:00 that both of you find neutrally acceptable. 15:03 So resolution is even stronger than, say, compromise. 15:07 When you have deep seeded problems, sometimes 15:11 you can't just sit in one setting to accomplish your goal 15:16 or to bring about a solution. 15:18 Sometimes it may take a week or even a longer period of time. 15:21 But the fact is, you're not quitting, you're working hard. 15:25 You're sitting down, both of you are resolved that we must 15:30 get beyond this, we must pass this, we must get over it. 15:33 And so whatever it takes, with Jesus Christ at your side, 15:38 you're going to work through until you get through the storm. 15:42 Unfortunately, sometimes you have one party that is not 15:47 willing to resolve the problem. 15:48 And in that situation, it makes it difficult 15:52 to bring about resolution. 15:53 But if both people are mutually committed to solve the problem 15:57 in the marriage, by God's grace it is possible. 16:00 And when that happens, when there is this interlocking 16:05 pathology, what we might have to do, 16:12 you may have to triangulate the problem. 16:16 That is to say, it's not just between both of you now 16:20 because you're not bringing about resolution. 16:22 You have to triangulate a third party into that 16:26 dyadic relationship to help you to break the pathology, 16:30 to help you to get beyond, to help you to focus. 16:34 How can we triangulate the problem in a way 16:39 that is wholesome and effective? 16:41 As you said, this involves bringing a third person in. 16:44 Sometimes it might need to be the pastor or an elder. 16:48 Or sometimes a trusted friend. 16:50 And many times, a professional counselor. 16:54 But somebody that can be objective who will help 16:57 both parties to look at what is the problem 17:01 and to help to work out a reasonable path to a resolution. 17:06 Often times, individuals triangulate relationships 17:10 in negative ways. 17:12 For example, the bringing in of a third party; 17:15 it could be an in-law, it could be a friend, 17:17 it could be a lover, it could be someone else, 17:20 into the relationship and it's hurting the relationship. 17:23 That's not the kind or the type of triangulation 17:27 that we are talking about. 17:28 The type of triangulation we're talking about is healthy 17:31 triangulation where, when the third party comes into your 17:35 relationship, it is to help. 17:37 It is to help to problem solve and to make the marriage 17:42 stronger, not weaker, not to break up, not worse, 17:46 but to make the marriage stronger. 17:48 That's what we're talking about. 17:50 Sometimes, it is difficult to separate or to become objective 17:55 when a friend comes to you and says, 17:58 "I'm have a problem with my spouse. " 18:00 And that is why we encourage people who have problems to 18:06 stay away from that method. 18:08 It is better for them to go speak to somebody 18:11 who can be objective. 18:12 Because when you project or tell your friends or 18:17 even you relatives information about your relationship, 18:21 sometimes it's difficult for them to be loyal. 18:23 Or to be disloyal, as they perceive it. 18:25 And that creates more difficulties in resolving. 18:28 They form alliances and coalitions rather than 18:31 resolving the problem. 18:33 So you don't want to talk to somebody who is just going to 18:36 side with you and not help you see 18:38 how you are contributing to the problem. 18:40 You want someone who can listen to both sides of the story 18:43 and be objective. 18:45 So three positive methods that we are giving you that you 18:49 can use in helping to resolve conflict in your marriage. 18:53 One: compromise. 18:56 Sometimes you have to give a little and take a little 18:59 in order to resolve the problem. 19:01 Two: resolution. 19:03 That is hard work, tedious work where you stay together, 19:06 you hang in there and you say, "We're going to work, 19:09 we're going to work this thing through. 19:11 We're going to get through on the other end. " 19:13 Resolution. 19:14 And the third one: triangulation. 19:16 Sometimes, the problem is of such that you have to 19:20 bring in a third party who is independent, who is unbiased, 19:24 who will help to bring about a resolution. 19:27 And that third party, as we said, should be a pastor, 19:31 a counselor, a good family member that both parties 19:35 respect and agree with. 19:36 But it can't be someone who is biased. 19:40 There are times when we try to resolve a conflict 19:46 and it's not working out. 19:48 So obviously, there are good times to try to 19:50 resolve a conflict, and there are bad times. 19:53 In fact, we say timing is everything. 19:56 We recommend that in resolving a problem, that you avoid 20:02 doing this if you're exhausted or tired. 20:04 Your brain, you're whole being is just not with it. 20:09 And it is a lot safer for you to try to work on a problem when 20:14 you have some energy and you're able to think objectively. 20:18 I can tell you, listening to us right now, I can tell you 20:22 out there; never try to resolve a conflict when you are angry. 20:29 If you are angry, you are not going to say it right, 20:32 it's not going to sound good, and the way you are feeling, 20:36 it's just going to make matters worse. 20:38 So the worse time to try to resolve a conflict: 20:42 when you are angry. 20:44 Bad time. 20:45 Calm down, drink some water, take a nap, whatever it is. 20:49 Calm down before you attempt. 20:51 Because if you are angry, it's not going to work. 20:55 Another thing that doesn't work well is if you are in a hurry. 20:59 If you're resolving a problem that really is confronting 21:02 the family or the marriage, you do need to identify 21:07 time when you can both meet together to work on this issue. 21:13 But to be in a haste, if you're rushing to catch the plane, 21:16 or you're rushing to work, it may not be the best time 21:20 to attempt a resolution. 21:23 I heard a gentleman complaining once. 21:26 He was saying that his wife woke him up, had this habit 21:30 of waking him up 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning saying, 21:35 "We've got to talk, we've got to talk. " 21:37 And he says, "At that time, I don't want to talk. 21:40 I want to sleep. 21:41 It doesn't matter what the problem is, I want to sleep. " 21:44 So I'm saying to you, when you're sleepy, 21:48 it is a bad time to try to resolve a conflict. 21:53 Or if your spouse is sleepy, no matter how pressing 21:56 the matter is, when someone is sleepy, 21:58 it is not going to go well. 22:01 Sleepiness and tiredness and fatigue; 22:05 and when all of these come down, if you attempt, 22:09 it's going to be disastrous. 22:11 So the essence of conflict resolution is timing. 22:14 You identify the problem, you look at your options, 22:18 and you're both committed that what you are attempting to do 22:21 is to work through the challenge. 22:23 And the goal is that by God's grace, at the other side of 22:27 the coin, you will get to some resolution. 22:31 You know, sometimes I don't feel like 22:36 I want to talk about the problem. 22:38 Sometimes, I don't feel I even want to 22:42 bring about any resolution. 22:44 Maybe I'm so mad, I'm so upset. 22:46 Whatever the issue is. 22:49 But I don't have that right to tell myself 22:53 that I don't want to resolve the problem. 22:55 In a marital relationship, I don't have that right. 22:58 I have to respect the need of the other party 23:02 to bring about resolution. 23:04 And I have to love my spouse in such a way that I do want 23:08 to bring about that resolution. 23:10 So that both people must be committed 23:12 that this one thing I do. 23:14 It reminds me of the text we read earlier where 23:17 Abram said, "We be brethren. " 23:20 It therefore means, because we are family 23:23 we need to work on this harmony. 23:27 So if I'm hungry, 23:29 should I attempt to resolve a problem? 23:33 Tell me something, you're listening to me. 23:36 Would you like to try to resolve a problem 23:39 when you are really hungry? 23:41 I don't think so. 23:42 What about when you have a bad day at work? 23:43 It's the same thing too. 23:45 There's just appropriateness and inappropriateness 23:51 in trying to resolve a conflict. 23:53 If someone is hungry, if someone had a bad day at work, 23:58 it's not going to go good. 24:00 Sometimes, people are able to talk through 24:03 with some of these things going on. 24:05 But what I'm saying to you is, it's just not 24:09 the appropriate thing to do. 24:12 There are other times, other ways, other means that you can 24:17 use to resolve a conflict, but not these that we have listed. 24:22 So, we have our conflicts and we try to resolve them. 24:26 There are conflict issues. 24:28 What do you do with conflict issues? 24:31 The first thing you want to do is agree there is a problem. 24:34 Because sometimes I find what happens is, 24:37 one person thinks there is a problem, and the other person 24:39 thinks, "Well if you think there's a problem, fix it. 24:42 But I don't think there is a problem. " 24:43 And so they're not responsive to resolve it. 24:46 So both people must agree that there is an issue, 24:49 and the issue is mutually affecting both of us 24:52 or the entire family. 24:53 And then they should be committed to resolve it. 24:57 And find an appropriate time. 24:59 Set an appropriate time when it's convenient to both parties. 25:04 We have already isolated the things that we should not do. 25:07 Find an appropriate time and settle down 25:10 and work on the relationship. 25:11 So you're saying, both people must be committed to the 25:15 time that is agreed on. 25:17 One person can't dictate that this is when we must 25:19 talk about this. 25:20 No, because again then that's the "one up, one down" method. 25:24 And we say that's poor. 25:27 You should also communicate in a way when you're 25:30 going to resolve a problem, you can't start out by saying, 25:33 "Well, you know, I am sick and tired of 25:36 telling you this one thing. " 25:39 It's going to go downhill from there on. 25:41 You have to be appropriate. 25:43 And by appropriate, I mean communicate in a way 25:47 that makes the other individual want to participate 25:52 in the discussion. 25:53 So you don't want to go into the resolution already stating 25:57 and demanding what you want. 26:01 You want to indicate to the person that your goal 26:05 for this meeting is to solve and resolve the problem. 26:09 And never forget to listen. You have to listen. 26:13 Don't go and start talking, talking, talking, talking. 26:16 You have to listen. 26:18 When you hear what the other person is saying, 26:20 and you understand what the other person is saying, 26:22 sometimes you can better relate and you can 26:25 better accept your mistakes and your short comings. 26:28 That's important. 26:30 Well, I like what Ephesians says. 26:34 I'm going to ask you to read with me Ephesians 4:29. 26:56 Conflict will arise. 26:59 How you manage the conflict is the important thing. 27:03 We want you to remember the Word of God. 27:06 In your discourse, in your argument, whatever it is, 27:10 let no corrupt communication come out of your mouth. 27:14 No put downs, no PD's. No negatives. 27:18 Be able to argue in a way that you're working 27:21 towards a resolution. 27:22 And remember, when everything is said and done, 27:25 you're on the same team. 27:27 God wants you to be happy. 27:29 God wants you to resolve your conflict. 27:32 And if by any chance you're there in a conflict 27:36 that is not yet resolved, we say, get help. 27:39 Take it to the Lord in prayer. 27:41 What a friend we have in Jesus. 27:43 He will bless us. |
Revised 2014-12-17