Welcome to
Marriage In God's Hands.
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I'm Alanzo Smith and I'm
the host of this program.
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I'm June Smith and
I've been married to Alanzo
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for many years.
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And we have
worked with many couples.
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We're both counselor
educators and today we will be
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talking about
conflicts in marriages.
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You noticed she
didn't say how many years?
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It's not a long
time. Just 31 years.
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Before we do that however, would
you bow with me as we pray?
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Father, we thank you for
Your mercies and for Your grace.
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We thank You for the power
You have to restore families.
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Where there is a discord, Lord
we pray You will bring peace.
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And may marriages around
the world find oneness in You.
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In Jesus name, Amen. Amen.
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In the Bible, we have a
story about Abraham and Lot.
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There was tension in the family,
between the herdsmen of Lot
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and the herdsmen of Abraham.
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It was the kind of tension
that could destroy the family.
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Abraham,
recognizing that, called Lot
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and spoke to him eloquently.
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In Genesis 13:8, I invite
you to read with me this text:
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Imbedded in this text is the
notion of conflict resolution.
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We want to share with
you some positive ways of
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resolving conflicts and to share
with you some negative ways
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that individuals use when
trying to resolve a conflict.
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Let's first share with you
some of those negative ones.
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The notion of
isolating from each other
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when there's a conflict.
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That presents a problem
for marital relationships.
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If we're going to
solve our problems,
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and some families have problems.
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But it is good that
they're attempting to solve it.
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However, sometimes they
use an ineffective method.
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The idea of withdrawing
from each other, of isolating
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themselves one from the other is
not an effective way to do that.
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As a matter of fact, there
are two types of isolation.
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There is what you
call physical isolation and
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there is emotional isolation.
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Let's look at
physical isolation first.
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Marriages that practice physical
isolation might be doing?
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Taking, for example,
themselves out of the bedroom.
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Removing themselves
from the house all together.
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So, one may sleep in
one room and the other sleep
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in the other room
because there's a conflict
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and they're not
willing to resolve it.
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But, walking away from the
issue isolating from each other,
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is that really
helping the process?
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In fact, it makes
it more challenging.
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Because now you've
shut down communication
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and the problem stays there.
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And at whatever point you
choose to rejoin your partner,
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the problem is still there.
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So removing yourself from
the stage or from the scene
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really isn't
helping the situation.
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So, what I want you to
understand is that in your
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marital relationship,
you will have conflict.
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But the way you handle
it makes a big difference.
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And to isolate yourself
from the problem, to stay away,
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not to address it, to walk away,
does not help the situation.
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We're saying, you're to find
a way of trying to resolve it.
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But certainly, walking
away is not a resolution.
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Now there's also what
we call emotional isolation
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where one party, or sometimes
both, emotionally shuts down.
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They begin to feel pain or feel
the frustration and weight of
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the conflict and they get turned
off emotionally from each other.
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And they could go on in the
same physical space for awhile
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but they're not
communicating effectively.
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And somehow things
start getting shutdown.
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When the emotion is
not in the relationship,
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it creates a lot of
damage, emotional damage.
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And so many other
things are at stake here.
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So we're saying, it's a
poor way, it's a poor way to try
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to resolve a conflict by
simply isolating yourself
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from your spouse.
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The concept of winning,
this is the one that most times
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people resort to.
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There's a conflict, and in
trying to resolve the conflict,
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they feel they have to
argue to the point where at the
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end of the
argument, they feel they won.
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A marriage is not
about winning over the other.
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When there is a
problem, we both lose
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if the problem is not solved.
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So what we are encouraging
couples to do, and what we are
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encouraging you to do, is
to work through your challenge,
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to find a way of
saying "This is upsetting,"
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or "I am frustrated
that you are doing this,"
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or "I would like for you
to change this behavior. "
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But certainly to try to win and
exercise power over the other
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is not going to
help the situation.
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One of the dangers of trying
to win an argument is that
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symmetrical escalation sets in.
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When we talk about symmetrical
escalation, what we're talking
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about is vindictiveness
leading to more vindictiveness.
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So, I say something bitter
about you because you hurt
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my feelings, and I want you to
know you did hurt my feelings,
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so I'm going to
try to punish you more.
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But guess what?
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You're not going to take it.
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You're going to
want to add more to that,
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so you're going to say
something more vindictive.
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If I want to win the
argument, I'm telling myself,
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in order for me to win, I
have to have the last blow.
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And you're
saying the same thing.
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So the argument
escalates and escalates.
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And that's why it's
called symmetrical escalation.
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Because it just keeps
rising higher and higher,
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louder and louder.
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More punishing
blows, more negative things.
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And clearly that's going to
be more devastating and more
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destructive to the
family than helping or healing.
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Sometimes when there's a
conflict, one person assumes
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what they identify as
the superior position.
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And in some circles,
it's referred to as the
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"one up, one down" relationship.
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Ellen G. White
says, talking about
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"one up, one
down" relationships:
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That's precisely what
we're endorsing when we're
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talking about "one up,
one down" relationships.
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That an individual should
not assume this "up" position
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in the relationship and
exercising arbitrary control
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over the person
they want to keep
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in this "down" relationship.
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In a marriage, the
notion of inferior and superior
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really has no place.
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Both individuals are
partners, loving partners.
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And it is God's intent that
we live in harmony and in unity.
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So, this is clearly
not recommended as a way
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to perceive the state
or status of each other,
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nor to use to solve
conflicts in a relationship.
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So we're talking to
you about how not to try
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to resolve a conflict.
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We're saying to you,
don't isolate yourself
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from each other.
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Try to come together
and work on the issue.
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Secondly, don't
try to win an argument.
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If you try to win the
fight, you're going to have
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what we call
symmetrical escalation,
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where the argument escalates.
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And thirdly we're saying,
don't have what is considered a
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"one up, one down"
relationship where it's
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always your opinion,
your decision, your way,
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whatever you want, and the other
person does not have a say.
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"One up, one down"
relationships are not helpful.
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They create more conflict
and invite more conflict
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in the relationship.
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Now we have the compromise.
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We recommend that this, although
it's not the best way or
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only way to resolve a
conflict, that a compromise
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sometimes is necessary.
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And a compromise implies both
parties move into the center.
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Each person willing to
give a little to get a little.
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The goal is, we're
both on the same team.
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We want to both
win in our interest.
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And so we're encouraging people
to think carefully about their
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goal of resolving the conflict.
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It is for the
interest of the family.
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Abraham took
precisely this approach.
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When he went to Lot and
said, "Let there be no strife
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between me and thee,"
actually, what Abraham was
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calling for was a compromise.
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He says, "Ok, if you
will take the land over here,
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then I will go over here.
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And if you will take that
part, then I will go there. "
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In other words, he
was willing to compromise
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because he wanted peace.
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His family was important.
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Notice what he said,
"Let there be no strife
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for we are brethren. "
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And can you imagine
how families would do
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so much better if at some point
in a conflict someone could
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say, "Let there be no
strife between you and me
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because we are a family.
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Let's not allow this
thing to escalate beyond,
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because we're a family. "
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It's like a check point.
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We are together, we're
one, we have the same goal.
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We're working
towards the same goal.
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Therefore, let's
try to work things out.
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Compromise is a very
powerful therapeutic way
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of resolving a conflict.
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Children live what they learn.
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And in families, when we
have a conflict, we don't
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necessarily say to the
child, "This is how adults
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resolve their issues. "
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But the child learns.
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And when they grow up
and have their own families,
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they perpetuate
what they observe.
00:11:59.72\00:12:02.26
So it is important, not only
for us to think about the issue
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at stake between the two adults,
but to understand the impact
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that the method we use
is having on our children.
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Clearly, what
we're asking you to do
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is for you to be
able to come to the table
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and give a little
and take a little.
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When you're going into conflict
resolution, there are times when
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your complete ideas
may not be totally met,
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but you're
willing to give and take.
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That's the whole idea,
that's the whole rationale
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behind conflict resolution.
00:12:40.48\00:12:42.71
And that's exactly what
God is expecting from us.
00:12:42.74\00:12:45.80
We're to be able
to give and take.
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It's the essence of a
healthy Christian relationship.
00:12:48.74\00:12:52.83
And families that are growing
stronger and want to avoid
00:12:52.86\00:12:56.78
having conflict, they have to
know how to resolve a conflict.
00:12:56.81\00:13:00.54
Well, we're going to
pause here because we
00:13:00.55\00:13:03.35
need to go for a break.
00:13:03.36\00:13:04.60
But guess what?
00:13:04.63\00:13:05.70
We will be right back.
00:13:05.73\00:13:06.99
We're going to ask
you, don't go away.
00:13:07.00\00:13:08.53
Or if you have to rush
out, make sure you get back here
00:13:08.61\00:13:11.14
right in time
because we'll be right back.
00:13:11.17\00:13:13.48
There are many "How
To" books available,
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but there's one that's free
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Welcome back to
Marriage In God's Hands.
00:14:00.05\00:14:03.71
We have been talking
about conflicts in marriages.
00:14:03.72\00:14:07.85
And so, we have
shared with you already,
00:14:07.87\00:14:10.82
not to isolate from each other,
not to try to win the argument,
00:14:10.85\00:14:16.06
not to have a "one up,
one down" relationship.
00:14:16.09\00:14:19.40
And now we have
discussed compromise
00:14:19.43\00:14:22.02
as a viable alternative.
00:14:22.05\00:14:24.76
The next one we want to
introduce to you is resolution.
00:14:24.79\00:14:29.13
The notion of
resolution indicates we want to
00:14:30.67\00:14:34.11
solve this problem.
00:14:34.12\00:14:35.51
So what you do when you
have a conflict and when a
00:14:35.54\00:14:38.41
conflict is facing your marriage
is; one, you must identify
00:14:38.44\00:14:42.29
what the problem is.
00:14:42.32\00:14:43.63
Then you need to brainstorm and
look at what your options are.
00:14:43.67\00:14:47.50
And then both of you and
whoever else is involved,
00:14:47.53\00:14:51.51
needs to pick one of those
solutions and implement it.
00:14:51.54\00:14:56.50
So you're working
towards a reasonable outcome
00:14:56.53\00:15:00.05
that both of you
find neutrally acceptable.
00:15:00.08\00:15:03.45
So resolution is even
stronger than, say, compromise.
00:15:03.55\00:15:07.64
When you have deep
seeded problems, sometimes
00:15:07.65\00:15:11.79
you can't just sit in one
setting to accomplish your goal
00:15:11.82\00:15:16.58
or to bring about a solution.
00:15:16.61\00:15:18.27
Sometimes it may take a week
or even a longer period of time.
00:15:18.30\00:15:21.39
But the fact is, you're not
quitting, you're working hard.
00:15:21.42\00:15:25.03
You're sitting down, both of
you are resolved that we must
00:15:25.04\00:15:30.06
get beyond this, we must
pass this, we must get over it.
00:15:30.09\00:15:33.85
And so whatever it takes,
with Jesus Christ at your side,
00:15:33.88\00:15:37.99
you're going to work through
until you get through the storm.
00:15:38.00\00:15:41.64
Unfortunately, sometimes
you have one party that is not
00:15:42.38\00:15:47.06
willing to resolve the problem.
00:15:47.07\00:15:48.82
And in that
situation, it makes it difficult
00:15:48.85\00:15:52.05
to bring about resolution.
00:15:52.08\00:15:53.74
But if both people are mutually
committed to solve the problem
00:15:53.90\00:15:57.24
in the marriage, by
God's grace it is possible.
00:15:57.27\00:16:00.44
And when that happens,
when there is this interlocking
00:16:00.67\00:16:05.82
pathology, what
we might have to do,
00:16:05.85\00:16:10.52
you may have to
triangulate the problem.
00:16:12.97\00:16:16.41
That is to say, it's not
just between both of you now
00:16:16.44\00:16:20.26
because you're not
bringing about resolution.
00:16:20.29\00:16:22.87
You have to triangulate
a third party into that
00:16:22.90\00:16:26.58
dyadic relationship to
help you to break the pathology,
00:16:26.59\00:16:30.95
to help you to get
beyond, to help you to focus.
00:16:30.98\00:16:34.42
How can we
triangulate the problem in a way
00:16:34.45\00:16:39.07
that is wholesome and effective?
00:16:39.10\00:16:41.36
As you said, this involves
bringing a third person in.
00:16:41.39\00:16:44.58
Sometimes it might need
to be the pastor or an elder.
00:16:44.61\00:16:48.20
Or sometimes a trusted friend.
00:16:48.24\00:16:50.36
And many times, a
professional counselor.
00:16:50.40\00:16:54.27
But somebody that can
be objective who will help
00:16:54.30\00:16:57.78
both parties to look
at what is the problem
00:16:57.81\00:17:01.05
and to help to work out a
reasonable path to a resolution.
00:17:01.08\00:17:05.41
Often times, individuals
triangulate relationships
00:17:06.33\00:17:10.68
in negative ways.
00:17:10.71\00:17:12.56
For example, the
bringing in of a third party;
00:17:12.59\00:17:15.30
it could be an
in-law, it could be a friend,
00:17:15.33\00:17:17.90
it could be a lover,
it could be someone else,
00:17:17.93\00:17:20.60
into the relationship and
it's hurting the relationship.
00:17:20.63\00:17:23.75
That's not the kind or
the type of triangulation
00:17:23.78\00:17:26.97
that we are talking about.
00:17:27.00\00:17:28.29
The type of triangulation
we're talking about is healthy
00:17:28.32\00:17:31.69
triangulation where, when
the third party comes into your
00:17:31.72\00:17:35.23
relationship, it is to help.
00:17:35.24\00:17:37.14
It is to help to problem
solve and to make the marriage
00:17:37.17\00:17:42.49
stronger, not weaker,
not to break up, not worse,
00:17:42.52\00:17:46.35
but to make the
marriage stronger.
00:17:46.38\00:17:48.55
That's what we're talking about.
00:17:48.58\00:17:50.10
Sometimes, it is difficult to
separate or to become objective
00:17:50.28\00:17:55.57
when a friend
comes to you and says,
00:17:55.60\00:17:58.44
"I'm have a
problem with my spouse. "
00:17:58.47\00:18:00.24
And that is why we encourage
people who have problems to
00:18:00.27\00:18:06.09
stay away from that method.
00:18:06.12\00:18:08.06
It is better for them
to go speak to somebody
00:18:08.09\00:18:11.30
who can be objective.
00:18:11.33\00:18:12.49
Because when you
project or tell your friends or
00:18:12.55\00:18:17.20
even you relatives information
about your relationship,
00:18:17.23\00:18:21.21
sometimes it's
difficult for them to be loyal.
00:18:21.24\00:18:23.56
Or to be disloyal,
as they perceive it.
00:18:23.59\00:18:25.91
And that creates more
difficulties in resolving.
00:18:25.94\00:18:28.74
They form alliances
and coalitions rather than
00:18:28.77\00:18:31.94
resolving the problem.
00:18:31.97\00:18:33.50
So you don't want to talk to
somebody who is just going to
00:18:33.53\00:18:36.09
side with you
and not help you see
00:18:36.10\00:18:38.58
how you are
contributing to the problem.
00:18:38.61\00:18:40.62
You want someone who can listen
to both sides of the story
00:18:40.63\00:18:43.71
and be objective.
00:18:43.72\00:18:45.10
So three positive methods
that we are giving you that you
00:18:45.59\00:18:49.19
can use in helping to resolve
conflict in your marriage.
00:18:49.22\00:18:52.70
One: compromise.
00:18:53.71\00:18:56.74
Sometimes you have to
give a little and take a little
00:18:56.77\00:18:59.50
in order to resolve the problem.
00:18:59.53\00:19:01.18
Two: resolution.
00:19:01.22\00:19:03.10
That is hard work, tedious
work where you stay together,
00:19:03.13\00:19:06.54
you hang in there and you
say, "We're going to work,
00:19:06.55\00:19:09.43
we're going to
work this thing through.
00:19:09.46\00:19:11.46
We're going to get
through on the other end. "
00:19:11.49\00:19:13.58
Resolution.
00:19:13.61\00:19:14.69
And the third
one: triangulation.
00:19:14.71\00:19:16.69
Sometimes, the problem
is of such that you have to
00:19:16.72\00:19:20.19
bring in a third party who
is independent, who is unbiased,
00:19:20.22\00:19:24.65
who will help to
bring about a resolution.
00:19:24.68\00:19:27.27
And that third party, as
we said, should be a pastor,
00:19:27.30\00:19:31.34
a counselor, a good
family member that both parties
00:19:31.37\00:19:35.46
respect and agree with.
00:19:35.49\00:19:36.66
But it can't be
someone who is biased.
00:19:36.98\00:19:39.53
There are times when we
try to resolve a conflict
00:19:40.54\00:19:46.43
and it's not working out.
00:19:46.44\00:19:48.00
So obviously, there
are good times to try to
00:19:48.03\00:19:50.85
resolve a conflict,
and there are bad times.
00:19:50.88\00:19:52.99
In fact, we say
timing is everything.
00:19:53.44\00:19:55.84
We recommend that in resolving
a problem, that you avoid
00:19:56.64\00:20:02.09
doing this if
you're exhausted or tired.
00:20:02.12\00:20:04.96
Your brain, you're whole
being is just not with it.
00:20:04.97\00:20:09.82
And it is a lot safer for you
to try to work on a problem when
00:20:09.85\00:20:14.52
you have some energy and you're
able to think objectively.
00:20:14.55\00:20:18.68
I can tell you, listening
to us right now, I can tell you
00:20:18.77\00:20:22.59
out there; never try to resolve
a conflict when you are angry.
00:20:22.62\00:20:29.10
If you are angry, you are
not going to say it right,
00:20:29.13\00:20:32.56
it's not going to sound good,
and the way you are feeling,
00:20:32.59\00:20:36.39
it's just going to
make matters worse.
00:20:36.42\00:20:38.70
So the worse time to
try to resolve a conflict:
00:20:38.73\00:20:42.78
when you are angry.
00:20:42.79\00:20:44.28
Bad time.
00:20:44.31\00:20:45.41
Calm down, drink some water,
take a nap, whatever it is.
00:20:45.60\00:20:49.86
Calm down before you attempt.
00:20:49.89\00:20:51.73
Because if you are
angry, it's not going to work.
00:20:51.76\00:20:54.59
Another thing that doesn't work
well is if you are in a hurry.
00:20:55.66\00:20:59.05
If you're resolving a problem
that really is confronting
00:20:59.45\00:21:02.64
the family or the marriage,
you do need to identify
00:21:02.67\00:21:07.53
time when you can both meet
together to work on this issue.
00:21:07.54\00:21:13.00
But to be in a haste, if you're
rushing to catch the plane,
00:21:13.03\00:21:16.34
or you're rushing to work,
it may not be the best time
00:21:16.37\00:21:20.96
to attempt a resolution.
00:21:20.99\00:21:23.04
I heard a
gentleman complaining once.
00:21:23.59\00:21:26.52
He was saying that his
wife woke him up, had this habit
00:21:26.55\00:21:30.86
of waking him up 2 and 3
o'clock in the morning saying,
00:21:30.89\00:21:35.08
"We've got to talk,
we've got to talk. "
00:21:35.11\00:21:37.96
And he says, "At that
time, I don't want to talk.
00:21:37.99\00:21:40.19
I want to sleep.
00:21:40.20\00:21:41.20
It doesn't matter what the
problem is, I want to sleep. "
00:21:41.21\00:21:44.40
So I'm saying to
you, when you're sleepy,
00:21:44.41\00:21:48.87
it is a bad time to
try to resolve a conflict.
00:21:48.90\00:21:52.99
Or if your spouse is
sleepy, no matter how pressing
00:21:53.02\00:21:56.08
the matter is,
when someone is sleepy,
00:21:56.11\00:21:58.63
it is not going to go well.
00:21:58.66\00:22:01.19
Sleepiness and
tiredness and fatigue;
00:22:01.22\00:22:05.09
and when all of these
come down, if you attempt,
00:22:05.12\00:22:09.02
it's going to be disastrous.
00:22:09.05\00:22:10.99
So the essence of
conflict resolution is timing.
00:22:11.02\00:22:14.85
You identify the problem,
you look at your options,
00:22:14.88\00:22:18.08
and you're both committed that
what you are attempting to do
00:22:18.11\00:22:21.80
is to work
through the challenge.
00:22:21.83\00:22:23.92
And the goal is that by God's
grace, at the other side of
00:22:23.95\00:22:27.75
the coin, you will
get to some resolution.
00:22:27.78\00:22:30.97
You know,
sometimes I don't feel like
00:22:31.89\00:22:36.60
I want to talk
about the problem.
00:22:36.63\00:22:38.96
Sometimes, I don't
feel I even want to
00:22:38.99\00:22:42.60
bring about any resolution.
00:22:42.63\00:22:44.34
Maybe I'm so mad, I'm so upset.
00:22:44.37\00:22:46.23
Whatever the issue is.
00:22:46.26\00:22:47.93
But I don't have
that right to tell myself
00:22:49.42\00:22:53.06
that I don't want
to resolve the problem.
00:22:53.09\00:22:55.57
In a marital relationship,
I don't have that right.
00:22:55.58\00:22:58.84
I have to respect the
need of the other party
00:22:58.87\00:23:02.20
to bring about resolution.
00:23:02.23\00:23:04.04
And I have to love my spouse
in such a way that I do want
00:23:04.07\00:23:08.25
to bring about that resolution.
00:23:08.28\00:23:10.31
So that both
people must be committed
00:23:10.34\00:23:12.79
that this one thing I do.
00:23:12.82\00:23:14.47
It reminds me of the
text we read earlier where
00:23:14.50\00:23:17.33
Abram said, "We be brethren. "
00:23:17.34\00:23:20.71
It therefore means,
because we are family
00:23:20.73\00:23:23.64
we need to work on this harmony.
00:23:23.67\00:23:26.98
So if I'm hungry,
00:23:27.02\00:23:28.43
should I attempt
to resolve a problem?
00:23:29.95\00:23:32.37
Tell me something,
you're listening to me.
00:23:33.13\00:23:36.03
Would you like to
try to resolve a problem
00:23:36.06\00:23:39.50
when you are really hungry?
00:23:39.53\00:23:41.12
I don't think so.
00:23:41.15\00:23:42.23
What about when you
have a bad day at work?
00:23:42.28\00:23:43.90
It's the same thing too.
00:23:43.93\00:23:45.78
There's just appropriateness
and inappropriateness
00:23:45.81\00:23:51.32
in trying to resolve a conflict.
00:23:51.35\00:23:53.41
If someone is hungry, if
someone had a bad day at work,
00:23:53.44\00:23:57.02
it's not going to go good.
00:23:58.24\00:24:00.05
Sometimes, people
are able to talk through
00:24:00.08\00:24:03.15
with some of
these things going on.
00:24:03.16\00:24:05.88
But what I'm saying
to you is, it's just not
00:24:05.96\00:24:09.73
the appropriate thing to do.
00:24:09.74\00:24:12.53
There are other times, other
ways, other means that you can
00:24:12.56\00:24:17.01
use to resolve a conflict, but
not these that we have listed.
00:24:17.04\00:24:20.88
So, we have our conflicts
and we try to resolve them.
00:24:22.29\00:24:26.77
There are conflict issues.
00:24:26.80\00:24:28.06
What do you do
with conflict issues?
00:24:28.36\00:24:31.29
The first thing you want to
do is agree there is a problem.
00:24:31.62\00:24:34.84
Because sometimes I
find what happens is,
00:24:34.87\00:24:37.11
one person thinks there is a
problem, and the other person
00:24:37.14\00:24:39.76
thinks, "Well if you
think there's a problem, fix it.
00:24:39.79\00:24:42.41
But I don't think
there is a problem. "
00:24:42.44\00:24:43.85
And so they're not
responsive to resolve it.
00:24:43.88\00:24:46.74
So both people must
agree that there is an issue,
00:24:46.77\00:24:49.75
and the issue is
mutually affecting both of us
00:24:49.78\00:24:52.66
or the entire family.
00:24:52.70\00:24:53.91
And then they should be
committed to resolve it.
00:24:53.94\00:24:57.55
And find an appropriate time.
00:24:57.58\00:24:59.93
Set an appropriate time when
it's convenient to both parties.
00:24:59.96\00:25:04.43
We have already isolated the
things that we should not do.
00:25:04.44\00:25:07.07
Find an appropriate
time and settle down
00:25:07.10\00:25:10.02
and work on the relationship.
00:25:10.05\00:25:11.51
So you're saying, both
people must be committed to the
00:25:11.54\00:25:15.14
time that is agreed on.
00:25:15.17\00:25:17.23
One person can't dictate
that this is when we must
00:25:17.26\00:25:19.69
talk about this.
00:25:19.72\00:25:20.72
No, because again then that's
the "one up, one down" method.
00:25:20.75\00:25:24.79
And we say that's poor.
00:25:24.82\00:25:26.63
You should also
communicate in a way when you're
00:25:27.23\00:25:30.07
going to resolve a problem,
you can't start out by saying,
00:25:30.10\00:25:33.29
"Well, you know, I
am sick and tired of
00:25:33.32\00:25:36.90
telling you this one thing. "
00:25:36.93\00:25:39.24
It's going to go
downhill from there on.
00:25:39.27\00:25:41.69
You have to be appropriate.
00:25:41.72\00:25:43.53
And by appropriate, I
mean communicate in a way
00:25:43.57\00:25:47.96
that makes the other
individual want to participate
00:25:47.99\00:25:52.15
in the discussion.
00:25:52.18\00:25:53.66
So you don't want to go into
the resolution already stating
00:25:53.99\00:25:57.54
and demanding what you want.
00:25:57.57\00:26:01.00
You want to indicate to
the person that your goal
00:26:01.03\00:26:05.69
for this meeting is to
solve and resolve the problem.
00:26:05.72\00:26:09.21
And never forget to
listen. You have to listen.
00:26:09.22\00:26:13.00
Don't go and start talking,
talking, talking, talking.
00:26:13.40\00:26:16.62
You have to listen.
00:26:16.63\00:26:18.16
When you hear what the
other person is saying,
00:26:18.19\00:26:20.62
and you understand what
the other person is saying,
00:26:20.65\00:26:22.67
sometimes you can
better relate and you can
00:26:22.70\00:26:25.07
better accept your
mistakes and your short comings.
00:26:25.10\00:26:28.14
That's important.
00:26:28.54\00:26:29.58
Well, I like
what Ephesians says.
00:26:30.32\00:26:33.19
I'm going to ask you to
read with me Ephesians 4:29.
00:26:34.02\00:26:39.12
Conflict will arise.
00:26:56.67\00:26:58.65
How you manage the
conflict is the important thing.
00:26:59.62\00:27:03.43
We want you to
remember the Word of God.
00:27:03.46\00:27:06.54
In your discourse, in
your argument, whatever it is,
00:27:06.57\00:27:10.14
let no corrupt communication
come out of your mouth.
00:27:10.17\00:27:14.21
No put downs, no
PD's. No negatives.
00:27:14.42\00:27:17.98
Be able to argue in a
way that you're working
00:27:18.01\00:27:21.17
towards a resolution.
00:27:21.20\00:27:22.58
And remember, when
everything is said and done,
00:27:22.61\00:27:25.18
you're on the same team.
00:27:25.21\00:27:27.11
God wants you to be happy.
00:27:27.16\00:27:29.93
God wants you to
resolve your conflict.
00:27:29.96\00:27:32.60
And if by any chance
you're there in a conflict
00:27:32.63\00:27:36.22
that is not yet
resolved, we say, get help.
00:27:36.25\00:27:39.19
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
00:27:39.22\00:27:41.10
What a friend we have in Jesus.
00:27:41.13\00:27:43.22
He will bless us.
00:27:43.25\00:27:46.10