Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000042
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00:31 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanso Smith, the host of this program. 00:37 I'm June Smith. 00:40 Today we will talk about progressive marriages. 00:44 But before we do that, I invite you to bow your heads with us 00:48 as we pray. 00:51 Our Father, we thank You for Your love and Your mercies. 00:54 We pray for every marriage today. 00:58 May Your Holy Spirit be with each couple and bless them 01:02 and allow their marriages to progress. 01:05 In Jesus name, Amen. Amen. 01:10 Progressive marriages, wow. 01:13 This is something that is very important to talk about. 01:17 Because there's a text in the Book of Genesis. 01:21 Genesis chapter 2 verses 21-24. Let's invite our audience 01:30 to read with us this text. 02:21 The beginning of the nuclear family in Eden. 02:25 After a family is formed, they cannot afford to remain static. 02:31 There should be growth and that's what we're talking about 02:35 when we say marriages must be progressive. 02:40 The concept of a marriage or a couple moving forward, 02:47 the whole though is marriages must not be static, 02:53 as you rightly said. But that marriages must be going 02:56 some place; there are plans, there are goals and both people 03:00 in the couple relationship are working together. 03:06 The thing about it is that marriages are a challenge 03:08 on every hand today. And so what we would like 03:12 to share with you today are some myths about marriages. 03:16 As a matter of fact, Dr. Arnold Lazarus in his book 03:21 Marital Myths, mentions 24 marital myths. 03:25 But we're going to look at just 2 of them. 03:27 One of them he says, a husband and a wife should do everything 03:33 together at all the time. That sounds exciting to me, 03:38 how that can be a myth. 03:43 Well think about it, to be practical really each individual 03:47 will have needs that they want to meet outside of each other. 03:53 Meaning, there are sometimes when the husband needs 03:55 to be off doing things that he needs to do. 03:58 Or the wife needs to be off doing things 04:00 that she needs to do. But it doesn't separate them. 04:03 It doesn't mean that they're not together. 04:05 They're one in mission. But they both have two 04:07 independent lives or two individual lives. 04:10 It's not logical and practical for you to do 04:12 everything together. I mean, you may have two 04:15 separate careers. It's just not logical, 04:17 not even healthy for the relationship. 04:21 So it is a myth when people think that everything they 04:24 should do together, and if one person is asking for time to 04:28 get to do something else, the other person could be very 04:30 annoyed or could think that you're not meeting my needs 04:33 because you're not assisting with this chore. 04:36 And we're not advocating exclusiveness. 04:38 There is togetherness in a marriage, but the operative 04:41 word here is always. You can't be always doing 04:44 things together. There must be some 04:46 independence and autonomy there. 04:49 So progressive, we're saying that in order for a marriage 04:52 to progress, individuals must have personal autonomy. 04:57 He mentions also that marriage should be 50/50. 05:00 It's a 50/50 relationship. Well, that also sounds good. 05:04 50/50, I bring 50 percent to the relationship and you bring 05:09 50 percent to the relationship. 05:11 Bam, we have a 100, perfect. What's wrong... 05:13 The reality is though, we should bring 100 percent of 05:19 ourselves to the relationship. So indeed, that's a myth. 05:22 Think about it, if I only invested or committed 50 percent 05:26 of me, of my time, my ideas, my resources, etc to our 05:31 relationship, what am I doing with the other 50 percent? 05:34 That could be in conflict with our goal and our mission. 05:37 So I support the notion that this is indeed a myth. 05:41 Although some people espouse that this is what 05:43 should be happening. 05:45 So, in progressive marriages then, we should experience 05:48 belonging not exclusion. There should be that sense of 05:53 belonging, because it gives you a feeling of self-worth and 06:00 togetherness and "I'm a part of this relationship 06:03 and I want to invest into it. A long term investment too 06:07 because there's this concept, there's this feeling of 06:09 belonging and I'm not excluded from the relationship at all. " 06:14 Another characteristic of progressive relationships 06:17 is the concept of comfort and tension. 06:21 The reality is, home needs to be a nest where individuals 06:27 in that family or in that relationship can be comfortable. 06:31 And so you want to be comfortable. 06:33 The sole notion of belonging tied in, you want to go home. 06:37 When you're leaving work... 06:40 It's like when I'm away from home, I look forward 06:43 to going home. There's belonging there. 06:45 There's comfort there. I love my home, no matter 06:48 where I go, I always look forward to going back home. 06:52 Because I feel this sense of belonging and you love me. 06:57 And I share that with you. But unfortunately, in some homes 07:01 there is a lot of tension and prolonged periods of tension. 07:05 And that excludes the concept of comfort and belonging. 07:09 So what we are saying is that in progressive relationships, 07:12 you want to create a sense of comfort 07:15 and not excessive tension. 07:18 Another duality that we could take about is the notion of 07:22 pleasure and pain. In progressive marriages, 07:26 there needs to be pleasure. Not pain, pleasure. 07:30 Often times, families are experiencing pain. 07:34 Too often, the relationship is not the relationship where 07:39 we are happy, we're enjoying it. And that's what marriages 07:43 should all be about. The notion of enjoying 07:48 your marriage. Be happy in your relationship. 07:50 Not a painful relationship. 07:55 Closeness and distance, power and weakness. 08:00 Those are issues that will come up. 08:06 Weakness and distance are negatives in a relationship. 08:12 Closeness and power are positives in a relationship. 08:18 Progressive marriages should experience power and closeness. 08:23 That's what it's all about. 08:25 Now what do we mean by power? The whole notion of each person 08:29 having some autonomy, some sense that "this is what 08:35 my mission or my role is in the relationship" and they can 08:38 execute this role competently. 08:42 Yes, and closeness: "bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh" 08:46 in their lives. But togetherness, that 08:49 is what God intends for the family. 08:52 Now in relating progressively, one concept that I think helps 08:56 is the notion of reframing. There are times when we see 09:01 things the way we see it through our lenses. 09:05 And sometimes, we have clouded lenses. 09:10 And our perspective or our perception may not be accurate. 09:14 So it is helpful for us to explore other options, 09:19 other possibilities. For example, if a wife is 09:23 expecting her husband to come home at a certain time 09:27 and he didn't show: he's late, he didn't call, it is likely... 09:35 She might get upset She might be fuming, steaming. 09:36 "Where on earth could he be. He promised that he was going 09:40 to be here at this hour. And look, he's late. " 09:44 She has supper fixed and he didn't show. 09:46 And they have to go off for an appointment. 09:47 She could be ranting and raving. 09:50 But we're talking about reframing. 09:52 How might she take that same situation, 09:55 that same lateness and reframe it to the point where 09:59 she's not upset, she's not getting mad, she's not throwing 10:02 a tantrum, but she's able to deal with the situation. 10:06 One thing she could do is begin to think that there might 10:08 have been a legitimate explanation for his lateness. 10:14 For example, it could be that there is a traffic jam 10:16 and he's tied up in traffic. 10:19 Or he could have had some extra chore at work and he got 10:21 bogged down and didn't get a chance to call. 10:24 But we may say, "Well why not call?" 10:26 But there's a possibility the cell phone could have gone dead. 10:29 He could have forgotten to charge it the night before. 10:32 What we are saying is that there are so many variables 10:35 that could have caused him to be late. 10:36 So if you take the situation and reframe it, you might not get 10:41 as flustered as you are just by seeking another possibility 10:48 as to what might happen. 10:51 Now let's look at the concept of how my marriage progresses 11:00 by what I say and how I, we call it sentence completion. 11:05 When we say things in positive ways, 11:08 it makes the marriage progress. For example, one way that I show 11:17 that you care for me is when I 11:25 get that foot spa and I 11:29 give you a good foot massage. 11:32 One way that I know that you care for me is when you 11:37 pay attention to me when I speak to you. 11:41 One way I know that you love me is when that night you 11:50 sewed up my pajamas and I went to put them on and I couldn't 11:56 push my foot in because you sewed them up. 12:00 One way that I know you love me is when you buy me 12:04 my favorite fragrances. 12:07 You know, I feel special when you cook me that lasagna dish 12:13 that you know I love. 12:15 I feel special when you have a surprise birthday party for me. 12:19 So what we are saying to our audience is that sometimes 12:23 when you say powerful uplifting sentences to your spouse, 12:32 it helps to make the marriage progress along. 12:36 We're talking about progressive marriages. 12:39 And we want to identify the concept of double binds. 12:43 Would you like to share with us how that works? 12:46 Well, double bind is when we send messages 12:51 that are confusing. And you know something? 12:54 I think we should talk about that after our break. 12:58 Because we're going to go into a break and that is very 13:01 powerful and awesome and I really want our audience to get 13:03 into it and to hear what we have to say about that. 13:05 So we're going to take a break. We're here talking about 13:10 progressive marriages. And we're encouraging 13:12 individuals to understand that from the day you say "I do", 13:16 that's not the end of the relationship. 13:18 You start growing. So we will be right back. 13:22 Don't go away anywhere. Stay right there. 13:24 We want you to hear what we have to say. 13:26 Because remember, marriage is not in your hands, 13:30 it's not in my hands. It is in God's hands. 13:45 There are many "How To" books available, but there's one 13:47 that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:49 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 13:52 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a 13:55 light-hearted, easy to read manner. 13:57 For those contemplating marriage, newly-weds, 14:00 couples in their golden years, and everyone in between. 14:03 Simply call or write for your free copy: 14:20 Welcome back to our program Marriage in God's Hands. 14:23 We have been talking about progressive marriages. 14:27 And at our break, we're just about to deal with the issue of 14:32 double bind messages. And we're saying, I'm saying 14:38 you're to avoid the use of double bind messages 14:42 in your marital relationship. 14:44 For example, "Forget I ever said it. " 14:48 Well, why did you say it in the first place? 14:51 Because once it is said, it's going to impact the relationship 14:56 one way or another. Alright, here's another one. 14:59 "Ignore these instructions. " But you gave the instructions. 15:04 It reminds me of an attorney in a court of law. 15:08 And he makes something, he makes a statement that he knows 15:12 he's not suppose to make. And so the judge, the other 15:16 attorney objects. And the judge says to the jury, 15:19 "Will you please disregard what the attorney has just said? 15:23 Strike it from the record. " Okay, it's stricken. 15:26 But guess what, the seed is already planted. 15:29 The idea is planted in the minds of the jury. 15:31 It has it's affect and that's why the lawyer did it. 15:34 And so we're saying in marriages, when you do that, 15:39 remember is has a negative connotation. 15:45 So double bind messages don't make for 15:47 progressive relationships. 15:49 Not at all. 15:52 Families experience reinforcement erosion. 15:58 Reinforcement erosion is a classical term that is used. 16:04 Simply meaning, families or couples who are married 16:09 for a long time. They somehow tend to 16:12 lose their ability to care for each other. 16:16 And to do nice things for each other. 16:20 It is said they get comfortable. They begin to take each 16:22 other for granted. You know when you're dating, 16:25 there is so much energy and even synergy 16:28 to the relationship. And you can tell these two 16:30 people are in love. But after people live together 16:33 for a while... 16:35 They lose the one flesh. 16:36 So that's what we're trying to encourage people to do. 16:39 To keep the passion and to keep the marriage progressing. 16:41 And not have it erode. 16:44 So there are solutions to reinforcement erosion then. 16:48 We hope so. 16:49 They're are. For example, you mention dating. 16:54 I think it's a good idea if we could go back to the notion 16:59 of dating. When we were dating, 17:02 I remember how special it was. The different things you 17:06 did for me and the many love letters you wrote me and wow. 17:11 And those things helped to build oneness and to build 17:14 communications and to get to know each other. 17:16 And so it is, after marriage we want to encourage couples 17:19 to keep dating each other. 17:22 So do we do that in our relationship? 17:23 We try. 17:24 Well, we more than try. You know you date me a lot. 17:27 You know I date you a lot too. I think that's beautiful. 17:31 So we want to encourage couples do things together. 17:34 Play together. Have fun time. 17:36 It's not all about work, work, work. 17:39 But we want to encourage people, couples, in order to progress 17:43 to take quality time together. 17:46 Take a break. There are some 17:47 people living in large cities and sometimes they are 17:50 stressed out with the demands of work and demands of church 17:54 and the demands of family life and all these different things. 17:58 But sometimes the two individuals must take 18:01 and make time for each other. Because that's important. 18:05 That's how the marriage will progress. 18:08 We're talking about things that you might do avoid or to prevent 18:12 reinforcement erosion. One of the ways to do that 18:17 is simply to spend time on the things that are interesting 18:23 to each other. So learn each other's interests. 18:26 For example, in my relationship with you, 18:28 I've had to learn lots of the things that you like. 18:31 Because I didn't particularly enjoy, for example watching 18:36 sports and some of the games that you like. 18:39 I know I taught you to love baseball. 18:40 Well, I'm trying. It's a work in progress 18:42 I would say. But that's the idea. 18:44 So the things that bring pleasure to each other, 18:48 you may have to put extra effort to make it happen. 18:52 But that's what a progressive relationship is about. 18:56 One of the things that I see us progressing in our relationship 18:59 with is walking together. Going for, not walk as in 19:05 exercise but walk as recreation. We just walk leisurely and talk. 19:12 And it builds the relationship. It strengthens the relationship. 19:15 And I'm encouraging you to do that. 19:17 Just go for a leisurely walk. By the beach, in the park, 19:21 around your neighborhood. Wherever it is safe and 19:24 convenient for you to go for a walk. 19:26 Just walk and leisurely talk. We're not in a hurry. 19:29 We're not discussing a problem. We're not trying to resolve 19:32 an issue. At the stage, 19:33 it's just talking about little flowery things. 19:37 Building the relationship. 19:39 One of the things I like is rehearsing and reflecting 19:43 on childhood memories. Learning about the way you 19:47 were when you were a boy. And I guess sharing 19:51 my stories as well. But I've listened to so many 19:55 of your stories that I can almost finish the sentence 19:57 now when you start them. But that's the idea. 20:00 That you want to learn about each other by 20:03 sharing some of these memories. 20:05 Dating memories and childhood memories are powerful. 20:10 I think I can tell you everything that happened to you 20:15 when you were a child. Simply because I've heard 20:19 the story over and over again. And the funny thing about it, 20:23 it's not boring. Every time you sit down 20:25 to talk to me or I'm talking to you, it's like 20:27 we're always there listening. And that is so important. 20:32 to the health and progress of a relationship. 20:35 Talk, talk, talk. Because remember, 20:38 the number one problem that was identified is communication. 20:42 People are not communicating. People are not talking. 20:45 And we're saying, don't wait until there's a problem 20:47 to start talking. Don't wait until 20:49 you're stressed out to start talking. 20:51 When things are going good, talk, and when you're able to 20:55 talk in the good times, when the rough times come and the 20:58 tough times, you're able to talk. 21:01 Because you've developed a pattern of communication. 21:03 Another thing I think is helpful to avoid erosion is 21:07 what we call avoid holding grudges. 21:10 If there's a conflict, if there's a challenge 21:12 in the relationship, deal with it now. 21:14 Try to settle it. Talk it through. 21:17 Work out the resolution and get to the other side. 21:21 Don't be a garbage bag. A garbage bag is something 21:24 that we keep dumping trash and garbage and things in, 21:27 just keep dumping. And it holds it until it's 21:30 filled up. And there are 21:32 some people that are filled up. They can't take in any more 21:35 and they're just there. We're saying no, no, no no. 21:38 For the health of the relationship, don't contain. 21:43 If there's an issue, and there will be, talk about it. 21:46 Work on it, get rid of it, move on. 21:50 That's the key. 21:51 You will not always be in each other's company. 21:54 Sometimes you have to go out of town. 21:56 Sometimes you have to go away on assignments. 21:58 But wherever you are, remember your spouse or your children 22:03 want to hear from you. So, we encourage couples 22:06 to check in, to communicate, to link when they're 22:11 in the absence of each other. 22:13 But what if I should say that, you know, I can't afford it. 22:18 It's hard to make a call, etc. That's not a viable excuse. 22:24 That's not a reason for not keeping in touch. 22:28 The reality is making a call call these days is really 22:30 not that expensive. 22:31 Especially with the internet. 22:32 So that we're saying couples need to take responsibility 22:36 to stay in touch. If you go to work for 22:39 the whole day, it would be nice sometimes maybe to send an email 22:41 or a text message and to check in a lunch break or 22:44 some other break that you have. Just so that you know what's 22:47 going on and your spouse gets the opportunity to share 22:51 with you what's happening in their work. 22:52 And of course, at the end of the day to sit together and debrief. 22:56 Talk about what happened in your work, please. 22:58 Talk about what happened on the travel back home. 23:01 And share what's going on in each other's world. 23:05 And I should never forget your birthday or your anniversary. 23:10 Never, never, never. That's a cardinal thing. 23:14 I will not forget your birthday. 23:16 I will not forget your anniversary. 23:18 And that's important to me, that's important to me. 23:22 Because those are special and significant days. 23:25 We were doing a seminar. It was a couples retreat. 23:32 And we asked the ladies to step outside. 23:35 And we were asking the men some questions. 23:39 And if you recall, we asked one man what was 23:42 the anniversary of his wife. Well, he thought for a moment 23:47 and he said something like February 12th. 23:50 So we wrote that down. When it was time to bring 23:53 the wife in, and she came in and we asked her what was her 23:59 anniversary date. She responded by saying 24:01 something like November 14th. 24:04 I remember that. 24:06 The date was wrong and the month, everything was wrong. 24:08 We cannot afford to allow that to happen. 24:11 We have to remember anniversaries, birthdays 24:14 and to make sure that we remember the right day. 24:18 And other special occasions. 24:21 Progressive marriages have some beliefs. 24:22 And when we understand that we are all finite limited 24:28 individuals, and that we make mistakes, the ability of 24:33 individuals to accept that and to understand it, that as we 24:36 progress along, there are times we will make mistakes. 24:38 And there are times when we will fail. 24:41 Because we're limited. We're finite. 24:43 But that does not destroy the validity and the 24:45 strength of the relationship. 24:47 I'm thinking of a concept that strengthens progressive 24:49 relationships is the thought that we see things differently. 24:54 We have different perspectives on our realities and it is ok. 25:00 That we come together and we are one in purpose 25:04 and one in mission. But we can accommodate our 25:07 differences and celebrate that. 25:10 Progressive marriages believe that even miserable situations 25:14 will get better. In other words, they're optimistic. 25:18 When individuals are in relationships, and they have an 25:21 optimistic view, that is helpful and healthy. 25:25 If I take a pessimistic view, "Well, it's not 25:28 going to get any better. Well, I don't think 25:31 we're going to make it. Well, I think we'll 25:34 have to break up. " We can see where that is going. 25:37 If we're optimistic, if we feel that "Well, yes it's rough now. 25:42 We're going through a storm. But after a storm, 25:44 there is a calm. " Yes, things can get better. 25:47 So we're saying our beliefs, the assumptions we make 25:49 in our relationships. For example, when we 25:52 think of the notion that we can respect our individual choices. 25:58 And we don't have to put each other in a box in order to 26:01 function, that we can create space for growth individually. 26:06 Then we are helping each other to become the best 26:10 they are capable of, and your marriage is likely to grow. 26:13 And no marriage can really progress unless Jesus Christ 26:21 is in the center of it. The Psalmist says, I invite you 26:25 to look at Psalm 127:1. Read with me, it says: 26:40 That is so true. God has to be the foundation. 26:44 God has to be the cornerstone. 26:46 There are many individuals who are progressing materially. 26:51 They are progressing financially. 26:53 They're progressing educationally. 26:55 All are forms of progression, but Jesus Christ is not 27:00 at the center of their home. And in truth, and in fact, 27:03 that's not progress. Because if Jesus is in 27:06 the family, what a happy home. But if He's not in that family, 27:10 no matter what we have, it means nothing. 27:14 I can think of 1 Thessalonians 5:7. 27:17 I invite you to read with me. 27:23 We want to take our challenges to God. 27:25 He is available and able to see us through our challenges. 27:30 So when we have barriers, or anything that would prevent 27:35 our marriages from progressing, let us remember to always pray. 27:40 And that's exactly what God is asking us to do. 27:42 No matter what, put it in His Hands. |
Revised 2014-12-17