Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands. 00:00:31.21\00:00:33.82 I'm Alanso Smith, the host of this program. 00:00:33.85\00:00:37.67 I'm June Smith. 00:00:37.70\00:00:40.32 Today we will talk about progressive marriages. 00:00:40.35\00:00:44.54 But before we do that, I invite you to bow your heads with us 00:00:44.57\00:00:48.16 as we pray. 00:00:48.19\00:00:49.73 Our Father, we thank You for Your love and Your mercies. 00:00:51.66\00:00:54.16 We pray for every marriage today. 00:00:54.19\00:00:58.19 May Your Holy Spirit be with each couple and bless them 00:00:58.22\00:01:02.62 and allow their marriages to progress. 00:01:02.65\00:01:05.13 In Jesus name, Amen. Amen. 00:01:05.16\00:01:07.89 Progressive marriages, wow. 00:01:10.38\00:01:12.59 This is something that is very important to talk about. 00:01:13.51\00:01:17.01 Because there's a text in the Book of Genesis. 00:01:17.04\00:01:21.49 Genesis chapter 2 verses 21-24. Let's invite our audience 00:01:21.52\00:01:30.56 to read with us this text. 00:01:30.59\00:01:33.33 The beginning of the nuclear family in Eden. 00:02:21.67\00:02:24.99 After a family is formed, they cannot afford to remain static. 00:02:25.02\00:02:31.80 There should be growth and that's what we're talking about 00:02:31.83\00:02:35.61 when we say marriages must be progressive. 00:02:35.81\00:02:39.78 The concept of a marriage or a couple moving forward, 00:02:40.73\00:02:47.29 the whole though is marriages must not be static, 00:02:47.32\00:02:53.51 as you rightly said. But that marriages must be going 00:02:53.54\00:02:56.85 some place; there are plans, there are goals and both people 00:02:56.88\00:03:00.58 in the couple relationship are working together. 00:03:00.61\00:03:05.33 The thing about it is that marriages are a challenge 00:03:06.20\00:03:08.52 on every hand today. And so what we would like 00:03:08.55\00:03:12.27 to share with you today are some myths about marriages. 00:03:12.30\00:03:16.73 As a matter of fact, Dr. Arnold Lazarus in his book 00:03:16.76\00:03:21.03 Marital Myths, mentions 24 marital myths. 00:03:21.06\00:03:25.49 But we're going to look at just 2 of them. 00:03:25.52\00:03:27.80 One of them he says, a husband and a wife should do everything 00:03:27.83\00:03:33.57 together at all the time. That sounds exciting to me, 00:03:33.60\00:03:38.61 how that can be a myth. 00:03:38.64\00:03:40.61 Well think about it, to be practical really each individual 00:03:43.08\00:03:47.74 will have needs that they want to meet outside of each other. 00:03:47.77\00:03:53.19 Meaning, there are sometimes when the husband needs 00:03:53.22\00:03:55.79 to be off doing things that he needs to do. 00:03:55.82\00:03:58.51 Or the wife needs to be off doing things 00:03:58.54\00:04:00.69 that she needs to do. But it doesn't separate them. 00:04:00.72\00:04:03.43 It doesn't mean that they're not together. 00:04:03.46\00:04:05.01 They're one in mission. But they both have two 00:04:05.04\00:04:07.38 independent lives or two individual lives. 00:04:07.41\00:04:09.72 It's not logical and practical for you to do 00:04:10.48\00:04:12.26 everything together. I mean, you may have two 00:04:12.29\00:04:15.17 separate careers. It's just not logical, 00:04:15.20\00:04:17.94 not even healthy for the relationship. 00:04:17.97\00:04:20.23 So it is a myth when people think that everything they 00:04:21.72\00:04:24.16 should do together, and if one person is asking for time to 00:04:24.19\00:04:28.63 get to do something else, the other person could be very 00:04:28.66\00:04:30.84 annoyed or could think that you're not meeting my needs 00:04:30.87\00:04:33.50 because you're not assisting with this chore. 00:04:33.53\00:04:35.68 And we're not advocating exclusiveness. 00:04:36.56\00:04:38.46 There is togetherness in a marriage, but the operative 00:04:38.49\00:04:41.50 word here is always. You can't be always doing 00:04:41.53\00:04:44.71 things together. There must be some 00:04:44.74\00:04:46.83 independence and autonomy there. 00:04:46.86\00:04:48.45 So progressive, we're saying that in order for a marriage 00:04:49.80\00:04:52.60 to progress, individuals must have personal autonomy. 00:04:52.63\00:04:56.72 He mentions also that marriage should be 50/50. 00:04:57.69\00:05:00.39 It's a 50/50 relationship. Well, that also sounds good. 00:05:00.42\00:05:04.78 50/50, I bring 50 percent to the relationship and you bring 00:05:04.81\00:05:09.72 50 percent to the relationship. 00:05:09.75\00:05:11.17 Bam, we have a 100, perfect. What's wrong... 00:05:11.20\00:05:13.61 The reality is though, we should bring 100 percent of 00:05:13.64\00:05:19.12 ourselves to the relationship. So indeed, that's a myth. 00:05:19.15\00:05:22.55 Think about it, if I only invested or committed 50 percent 00:05:22.58\00:05:26.05 of me, of my time, my ideas, my resources, etc to our 00:05:26.08\00:05:31.20 relationship, what am I doing with the other 50 percent? 00:05:31.23\00:05:34.21 That could be in conflict with our goal and our mission. 00:05:34.24\00:05:37.50 So I support the notion that this is indeed a myth. 00:05:37.53\00:05:41.23 Although some people espouse that this is what 00:05:41.26\00:05:43.95 should be happening. 00:05:43.98\00:05:44.95 So, in progressive marriages then, we should experience 00:05:45.53\00:05:48.52 belonging not exclusion. There should be that sense of 00:05:48.55\00:05:53.14 belonging, because it gives you a feeling of self-worth and 00:05:53.17\00:06:00.21 togetherness and "I'm a part of this relationship 00:06:00.24\00:06:03.30 and I want to invest into it. A long term investment too 00:06:03.33\00:06:07.05 because there's this concept, there's this feeling of 00:06:07.08\00:06:09.79 belonging and I'm not excluded from the relationship at all. " 00:06:09.82\00:06:13.55 Another characteristic of progressive relationships 00:06:14.94\00:06:17.77 is the concept of comfort and tension. 00:06:17.80\00:06:21.74 The reality is, home needs to be a nest where individuals 00:06:21.77\00:06:27.29 in that family or in that relationship can be comfortable. 00:06:27.32\00:06:31.61 And so you want to be comfortable. 00:06:31.64\00:06:33.82 The sole notion of belonging tied in, you want to go home. 00:06:33.85\00:06:37.88 When you're leaving work... 00:06:37.91\00:06:40.46 It's like when I'm away from home, I look forward 00:06:40.49\00:06:43.52 to going home. There's belonging there. 00:06:43.55\00:06:45.85 There's comfort there. I love my home, no matter 00:06:45.88\00:06:48.91 where I go, I always look forward to going back home. 00:06:48.94\00:06:52.89 Because I feel this sense of belonging and you love me. 00:06:52.92\00:06:57.25 And I share that with you. But unfortunately, in some homes 00:06:57.28\00:07:01.07 there is a lot of tension and prolonged periods of tension. 00:07:01.10\00:07:05.60 And that excludes the concept of comfort and belonging. 00:07:05.63\00:07:09.32 So what we are saying is that in progressive relationships, 00:07:09.35\00:07:12.49 you want to create a sense of comfort 00:07:12.52\00:07:15.87 and not excessive tension. 00:07:15.90\00:07:18.09 Another duality that we could take about is the notion of 00:07:18.95\00:07:22.66 pleasure and pain. In progressive marriages, 00:07:22.69\00:07:26.42 there needs to be pleasure. Not pain, pleasure. 00:07:26.45\00:07:30.01 Often times, families are experiencing pain. 00:07:30.04\00:07:34.46 Too often, the relationship is not the relationship where 00:07:34.49\00:07:39.01 we are happy, we're enjoying it. And that's what marriages 00:07:39.04\00:07:43.68 should all be about. The notion of enjoying 00:07:43.71\00:07:48.14 your marriage. Be happy in your relationship. 00:07:48.17\00:07:50.65 Not a painful relationship. 00:07:50.68\00:07:54.13 Closeness and distance, power and weakness. 00:07:55.65\00:07:59.98 Those are issues that will come up. 00:08:00.01\00:08:04.36 Weakness and distance are negatives in a relationship. 00:08:06.87\00:08:12.21 Closeness and power are positives in a relationship. 00:08:12.24\00:08:18.05 Progressive marriages should experience power and closeness. 00:08:18.08\00:08:23.34 That's what it's all about. 00:08:23.37\00:08:24.99 Now what do we mean by power? The whole notion of each person 00:08:25.73\00:08:29.46 having some autonomy, some sense that "this is what 00:08:29.49\00:08:35.14 my mission or my role is in the relationship" and they can 00:08:35.17\00:08:38.32 execute this role competently. 00:08:38.35\00:08:41.12 Yes, and closeness: "bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh" 00:08:42.15\00:08:46.81 in their lives. But togetherness, that 00:08:46.84\00:08:49.34 is what God intends for the family. 00:08:49.37\00:08:51.11 Now in relating progressively, one concept that I think helps 00:08:52.17\00:08:56.88 is the notion of reframing. There are times when we see 00:08:56.91\00:09:01.76 things the way we see it through our lenses. 00:09:01.79\00:09:05.55 And sometimes, we have clouded lenses. 00:09:05.58\00:09:10.69 And our perspective or our perception may not be accurate. 00:09:10.72\00:09:14.71 So it is helpful for us to explore other options, 00:09:14.74\00:09:18.97 other possibilities. For example, if a wife is 00:09:19.00\00:09:23.48 expecting her husband to come home at a certain time 00:09:23.51\00:09:27.04 and he didn't show: he's late, he didn't call, it is likely... 00:09:27.07\00:09:33.65 She might get upset She might be fuming, steaming. 00:09:35.03\00:09:36.85 "Where on earth could he be. He promised that he was going 00:09:36.88\00:09:40.12 to be here at this hour. And look, he's late. " 00:09:40.15\00:09:42.90 She has supper fixed and he didn't show. 00:09:44.31\00:09:46.07 And they have to go off for an appointment. 00:09:46.10\00:09:47.93 She could be ranting and raving. 00:09:47.96\00:09:50.12 But we're talking about reframing. 00:09:50.16\00:09:52.29 How might she take that same situation, 00:09:52.32\00:09:55.41 that same lateness and reframe it to the point where 00:09:55.44\00:09:59.42 she's not upset, she's not getting mad, she's not throwing 00:09:59.45\00:10:02.15 a tantrum, but she's able to deal with the situation. 00:10:02.18\00:10:05.06 One thing she could do is begin to think that there might 00:10:06.37\00:10:08.62 have been a legitimate explanation for his lateness. 00:10:08.65\00:10:13.58 For example, it could be that there is a traffic jam 00:10:14.46\00:10:16.75 and he's tied up in traffic. 00:10:16.78\00:10:18.60 Or he could have had some extra chore at work and he got 00:10:19.44\00:10:21.92 bogged down and didn't get a chance to call. 00:10:21.95\00:10:24.14 But we may say, "Well why not call?" 00:10:24.88\00:10:26.45 But there's a possibility the cell phone could have gone dead. 00:10:26.48\00:10:29.81 He could have forgotten to charge it the night before. 00:10:29.84\00:10:32.14 What we are saying is that there are so many variables 00:10:32.89\00:10:35.16 that could have caused him to be late. 00:10:35.19\00:10:36.78 So if you take the situation and reframe it, you might not get 00:10:36.81\00:10:41.75 as flustered as you are just by seeking another possibility 00:10:41.78\00:10:48.03 as to what might happen. 00:10:48.06\00:10:49.60 Now let's look at the concept of how my marriage progresses 00:10:51.31\00:11:00.02 by what I say and how I, we call it sentence completion. 00:11:00.05\00:11:05.13 When we say things in positive ways, 00:11:05.16\00:11:08.48 it makes the marriage progress. For example, one way that I show 00:11:08.51\00:11:17.30 that you care for me is when I 00:11:17.33\00:11:24.11 get that foot spa and I 00:11:25.15\00:11:29.00 give you a good foot massage. 00:11:29.04\00:11:31.90 One way that I know that you care for me is when you 00:11:32.61\00:11:37.35 pay attention to me when I speak to you. 00:11:37.38\00:11:40.31 One way I know that you love me is when that night you 00:11:41.88\00:11:50.91 sewed up my pajamas and I went to put them on and I couldn't 00:11:50.94\00:11:56.70 push my foot in because you sewed them up. 00:11:56.73\00:11:59.51 One way that I know you love me is when you buy me 00:12:00.79\00:12:04.41 my favorite fragrances. 00:12:04.44\00:12:06.61 You know, I feel special when you cook me that lasagna dish 00:12:07.50\00:12:13.25 that you know I love. 00:12:13.28\00:12:14.41 I feel special when you have a surprise birthday party for me. 00:12:15.27\00:12:19.59 So what we are saying to our audience is that sometimes 00:12:19.62\00:12:23.54 when you say powerful uplifting sentences to your spouse, 00:12:23.57\00:12:32.04 it helps to make the marriage progress along. 00:12:32.07\00:12:35.95 We're talking about progressive marriages. 00:12:36.99\00:12:39.29 And we want to identify the concept of double binds. 00:12:39.32\00:12:43.22 Would you like to share with us how that works? 00:12:43.25\00:12:45.88 Well, double bind is when we send messages 00:12:46.94\00:12:51.36 that are confusing. And you know something? 00:12:51.39\00:12:54.48 I think we should talk about that after our break. 00:12:54.51\00:12:58.50 Because we're going to go into a break and that is very 00:12:58.53\00:13:01.17 powerful and awesome and I really want our audience to get 00:13:01.20\00:13:03.78 into it and to hear what we have to say about that. 00:13:03.81\00:13:05.89 So we're going to take a break. We're here talking about 00:13:05.92\00:13:10.05 progressive marriages. And we're encouraging 00:13:10.08\00:13:12.89 individuals to understand that from the day you say "I do", 00:13:12.92\00:13:16.75 that's not the end of the relationship. 00:13:16.78\00:13:18.38 You start growing. So we will be right back. 00:13:18.41\00:13:22.36 Don't go away anywhere. Stay right there. 00:13:22.39\00:13:24.54 We want you to hear what we have to say. 00:13:24.57\00:13:26.72 Because remember, marriage is not in your hands, 00:13:26.75\00:13:30.72 it's not in my hands. It is in God's hands. 00:13:30.75\00:13:34.65 There are many "How To" books available, but there's one 00:13:45.08\00:13:47.55 that's free and perfect for every couple. 00:13:47.58\00:13:49.86 "How You Can Build A Better Marriage" 00:13:49.89\00:13:52.44 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a 00:13:52.47\00:13:55.66 light-hearted, easy to read manner. 00:13:55.69\00:13:57.43 For those contemplating marriage, newly-weds, 00:13:57.46\00:14:00.05 couples in their golden years, and everyone in between. 00:14:00.08\00:14:03.32 Simply call or write for your free copy: 00:14:03.35\00:14:06.37 Welcome back to our program Marriage in God's Hands. 00:14:20.51\00:14:23.64 We have been talking about progressive marriages. 00:14:23.67\00:14:27.74 And at our break, we're just about to deal with the issue of 00:14:27.77\00:14:32.70 double bind messages. And we're saying, I'm saying 00:14:32.73\00:14:38.11 you're to avoid the use of double bind messages 00:14:38.14\00:14:42.43 in your marital relationship. 00:14:42.46\00:14:44.53 For example, "Forget I ever said it. " 00:14:44.56\00:14:48.66 Well, why did you say it in the first place? 00:14:48.69\00:14:51.81 Because once it is said, it's going to impact the relationship 00:14:51.84\00:14:56.12 one way or another. Alright, here's another one. 00:14:56.15\00:14:59.01 "Ignore these instructions. " But you gave the instructions. 00:14:59.04\00:15:04.04 It reminds me of an attorney in a court of law. 00:15:04.07\00:15:08.68 And he makes something, he makes a statement that he knows 00:15:08.71\00:15:12.69 he's not suppose to make. And so the judge, the other 00:15:12.72\00:15:16.51 attorney objects. And the judge says to the jury, 00:15:16.54\00:15:19.89 "Will you please disregard what the attorney has just said? 00:15:19.92\00:15:23.88 Strike it from the record. " Okay, it's stricken. 00:15:23.91\00:15:26.87 But guess what, the seed is already planted. 00:15:26.90\00:15:29.52 The idea is planted in the minds of the jury. 00:15:29.55\00:15:31.88 It has it's affect and that's why the lawyer did it. 00:15:31.91\00:15:34.81 And so we're saying in marriages, when you do that, 00:15:34.84\00:15:39.33 remember is has a negative connotation. 00:15:39.36\00:15:42.48 So double bind messages don't make for 00:15:45.03\00:15:47.68 progressive relationships. 00:15:47.71\00:15:49.16 Not at all. 00:15:49.19\00:15:50.16 Families experience reinforcement erosion. 00:15:52.43\00:15:58.75 Reinforcement erosion is a classical term that is used. 00:15:58.78\00:16:04.48 Simply meaning, families or couples who are married 00:16:04.51\00:16:09.30 for a long time. They somehow tend to 00:16:09.33\00:16:12.55 lose their ability to care for each other. 00:16:12.58\00:16:16.06 And to do nice things for each other. 00:16:16.09\00:16:19.12 It is said they get comfortable. They begin to take each 00:16:20.52\00:16:22.62 other for granted. You know when you're dating, 00:16:22.65\00:16:25.27 there is so much energy and even synergy 00:16:25.30\00:16:28.04 to the relationship. And you can tell these two 00:16:28.07\00:16:30.58 people are in love. But after people live together 00:16:30.61\00:16:33.49 for a while... 00:16:33.52\00:16:34.73 They lose the one flesh. 00:16:35.32\00:16:36.62 So that's what we're trying to encourage people to do. 00:16:36.65\00:16:39.06 To keep the passion and to keep the marriage progressing. 00:16:39.09\00:16:41.87 And not have it erode. 00:16:41.90\00:16:43.62 So there are solutions to reinforcement erosion then. 00:16:44.50\00:16:46.87 We hope so. 00:16:48.62\00:16:49.59 They're are. For example, you mention dating. 00:16:49.60\00:16:54.46 I think it's a good idea if we could go back to the notion 00:16:54.49\00:16:59.03 of dating. When we were dating, 00:16:59.06\00:17:02.43 I remember how special it was. The different things you 00:17:02.46\00:17:05.97 did for me and the many love letters you wrote me and wow. 00:17:06.00\00:17:10.63 And those things helped to build oneness and to build 00:17:11.25\00:17:14.13 communications and to get to know each other. 00:17:14.16\00:17:16.65 And so it is, after marriage we want to encourage couples 00:17:16.68\00:17:19.68 to keep dating each other. 00:17:19.71\00:17:21.62 So do we do that in our relationship? 00:17:22.06\00:17:23.42 We try. 00:17:23.45\00:17:24.42 Well, we more than try. You know you date me a lot. 00:17:24.43\00:17:27.72 You know I date you a lot too. I think that's beautiful. 00:17:27.75\00:17:31.07 So we want to encourage couples do things together. 00:17:31.79\00:17:34.38 Play together. Have fun time. 00:17:34.41\00:17:36.71 It's not all about work, work, work. 00:17:36.74\00:17:39.59 But we want to encourage people, couples, in order to progress 00:17:39.62\00:17:43.54 to take quality time together. 00:17:43.57\00:17:45.85 Take a break. There are some 00:17:46.64\00:17:47.76 people living in large cities and sometimes they are 00:17:47.79\00:17:50.41 stressed out with the demands of work and demands of church 00:17:50.44\00:17:54.79 and the demands of family life and all these different things. 00:17:54.82\00:17:58.06 But sometimes the two individuals must take 00:17:58.09\00:18:01.80 and make time for each other. Because that's important. 00:18:01.83\00:18:05.21 That's how the marriage will progress. 00:18:05.24\00:18:08.11 We're talking about things that you might do avoid or to prevent 00:18:08.81\00:18:12.58 reinforcement erosion. One of the ways to do that 00:18:12.61\00:18:17.12 is simply to spend time on the things that are interesting 00:18:17.15\00:18:22.97 to each other. So learn each other's interests. 00:18:23.00\00:18:26.04 For example, in my relationship with you, 00:18:26.07\00:18:28.13 I've had to learn lots of the things that you like. 00:18:28.16\00:18:31.69 Because I didn't particularly enjoy, for example watching 00:18:31.72\00:18:36.42 sports and some of the games that you like. 00:18:36.45\00:18:38.66 I know I taught you to love baseball. 00:18:39.29\00:18:40.58 Well, I'm trying. It's a work in progress 00:18:40.61\00:18:42.37 I would say. But that's the idea. 00:18:42.40\00:18:44.66 So the things that bring pleasure to each other, 00:18:44.69\00:18:48.28 you may have to put extra effort to make it happen. 00:18:48.31\00:18:52.35 But that's what a progressive relationship is about. 00:18:52.38\00:18:55.41 One of the things that I see us progressing in our relationship 00:18:56.55\00:18:59.83 with is walking together. Going for, not walk as in 00:18:59.86\00:19:05.90 exercise but walk as recreation. We just walk leisurely and talk. 00:19:05.93\00:19:11.99 And it builds the relationship. It strengthens the relationship. 00:19:12.02\00:19:15.87 And I'm encouraging you to do that. 00:19:15.90\00:19:17.58 Just go for a leisurely walk. By the beach, in the park, 00:19:17.61\00:19:21.29 around your neighborhood. Wherever it is safe and 00:19:21.32\00:19:24.27 convenient for you to go for a walk. 00:19:24.30\00:19:26.01 Just walk and leisurely talk. We're not in a hurry. 00:19:26.04\00:19:29.60 We're not discussing a problem. We're not trying to resolve 00:19:29.63\00:19:32.00 an issue. At the stage, 00:19:32.03\00:19:33.95 it's just talking about little flowery things. 00:19:33.98\00:19:37.63 Building the relationship. 00:19:37.66\00:19:39.09 One of the things I like is rehearsing and reflecting 00:19:39.12\00:19:43.36 on childhood memories. Learning about the way you 00:19:43.39\00:19:47.01 were when you were a boy. And I guess sharing 00:19:47.04\00:19:51.07 my stories as well. But I've listened to so many 00:19:51.10\00:19:55.03 of your stories that I can almost finish the sentence 00:19:55.06\00:19:57.89 now when you start them. But that's the idea. 00:19:57.92\00:20:00.49 That you want to learn about each other by 00:20:00.52\00:20:03.02 sharing some of these memories. 00:20:03.05\00:20:04.61 Dating memories and childhood memories are powerful. 00:20:05.68\00:20:10.26 I think I can tell you everything that happened to you 00:20:10.29\00:20:15.36 when you were a child. Simply because I've heard 00:20:15.39\00:20:19.40 the story over and over again. And the funny thing about it, 00:20:19.43\00:20:23.94 it's not boring. Every time you sit down 00:20:23.97\00:20:25.76 to talk to me or I'm talking to you, it's like 00:20:25.79\00:20:27.90 we're always there listening. And that is so important. 00:20:27.93\00:20:32.60 to the health and progress of a relationship. 00:20:32.63\00:20:35.88 Talk, talk, talk. Because remember, 00:20:35.91\00:20:38.43 the number one problem that was identified is communication. 00:20:38.46\00:20:42.14 People are not communicating. People are not talking. 00:20:42.17\00:20:45.05 And we're saying, don't wait until there's a problem 00:20:45.08\00:20:47.42 to start talking. Don't wait until 00:20:47.45\00:20:49.19 you're stressed out to start talking. 00:20:49.22\00:20:51.14 When things are going good, talk, and when you're able to 00:20:51.17\00:20:55.85 talk in the good times, when the rough times come and the 00:20:55.88\00:20:58.93 tough times, you're able to talk. 00:20:58.96\00:21:01.02 Because you've developed a pattern of communication. 00:21:01.70\00:21:03.28 Another thing I think is helpful to avoid erosion is 00:21:03.31\00:21:07.18 what we call avoid holding grudges. 00:21:07.21\00:21:10.10 If there's a conflict, if there's a challenge 00:21:10.13\00:21:12.62 in the relationship, deal with it now. 00:21:12.65\00:21:14.70 Try to settle it. Talk it through. 00:21:14.73\00:21:17.29 Work out the resolution and get to the other side. 00:21:17.32\00:21:20.30 Don't be a garbage bag. A garbage bag is something 00:21:21.50\00:21:24.11 that we keep dumping trash and garbage and things in, 00:21:24.14\00:21:27.20 just keep dumping. And it holds it until it's 00:21:27.23\00:21:30.91 filled up. And there are 00:21:30.94\00:21:32.37 some people that are filled up. They can't take in any more 00:21:32.40\00:21:35.93 and they're just there. We're saying no, no, no no. 00:21:35.96\00:21:38.73 For the health of the relationship, don't contain. 00:21:38.76\00:21:43.70 If there's an issue, and there will be, talk about it. 00:21:43.73\00:21:46.60 Work on it, get rid of it, move on. 00:21:46.63\00:21:50.12 That's the key. 00:21:50.15\00:21:51.29 You will not always be in each other's company. 00:21:51.88\00:21:54.87 Sometimes you have to go out of town. 00:21:54.90\00:21:56.61 Sometimes you have to go away on assignments. 00:21:56.64\00:21:58.64 But wherever you are, remember your spouse or your children 00:21:58.67\00:22:03.06 want to hear from you. So, we encourage couples 00:22:03.09\00:22:06.18 to check in, to communicate, to link when they're 00:22:06.21\00:22:11.05 in the absence of each other. 00:22:11.08\00:22:12.77 But what if I should say that, you know, I can't afford it. 00:22:13.98\00:22:18.17 It's hard to make a call, etc. That's not a viable excuse. 00:22:18.20\00:22:24.66 That's not a reason for not keeping in touch. 00:22:24.69\00:22:27.13 The reality is making a call call these days is really 00:22:28.21\00:22:30.03 not that expensive. 00:22:30.06\00:22:31.10 Especially with the internet. 00:22:31.13\00:22:32.33 So that we're saying couples need to take responsibility 00:22:32.36\00:22:36.17 to stay in touch. If you go to work for 00:22:36.20\00:22:39.08 the whole day, it would be nice sometimes maybe to send an email 00:22:39.11\00:22:41.64 or a text message and to check in a lunch break or 00:22:41.67\00:22:44.74 some other break that you have. Just so that you know what's 00:22:44.81\00:22:47.96 going on and your spouse gets the opportunity to share 00:22:47.99\00:22:51.17 with you what's happening in their work. 00:22:51.20\00:22:52.86 And of course, at the end of the day to sit together and debrief. 00:22:52.89\00:22:56.52 Talk about what happened in your work, please. 00:22:56.55\00:22:58.81 Talk about what happened on the travel back home. 00:22:58.84\00:23:01.77 And share what's going on in each other's world. 00:23:01.80\00:23:04.54 And I should never forget your birthday or your anniversary. 00:23:05.29\00:23:10.44 Never, never, never. That's a cardinal thing. 00:23:10.47\00:23:14.47 I will not forget your birthday. 00:23:14.50\00:23:16.60 I will not forget your anniversary. 00:23:16.63\00:23:18.80 And that's important to me, that's important to me. 00:23:18.83\00:23:22.43 Because those are special and significant days. 00:23:22.46\00:23:25.77 We were doing a seminar. It was a couples retreat. 00:23:25.80\00:23:32.70 And we asked the ladies to step outside. 00:23:32.74\00:23:35.76 And we were asking the men some questions. 00:23:35.79\00:23:39.49 And if you recall, we asked one man what was 00:23:39.52\00:23:42.93 the anniversary of his wife. Well, he thought for a moment 00:23:42.97\00:23:47.05 and he said something like February 12th. 00:23:47.08\00:23:50.06 So we wrote that down. When it was time to bring 00:23:50.09\00:23:53.73 the wife in, and she came in and we asked her what was her 00:23:53.76\00:23:59.11 anniversary date. She responded by saying 00:23:59.14\00:24:01.62 something like November 14th. 00:24:01.65\00:24:03.48 I remember that. 00:24:04.34\00:24:05.31 The date was wrong and the month, everything was wrong. 00:24:06.52\00:24:08.66 We cannot afford to allow that to happen. 00:24:08.69\00:24:11.81 We have to remember anniversaries, birthdays 00:24:11.84\00:24:14.61 and to make sure that we remember the right day. 00:24:14.64\00:24:17.38 And other special occasions. 00:24:18.11\00:24:19.73 Progressive marriages have some beliefs. 00:24:21.11\00:24:22.61 And when we understand that we are all finite limited 00:24:22.64\00:24:28.84 individuals, and that we make mistakes, the ability of 00:24:28.87\00:24:33.24 individuals to accept that and to understand it, that as we 00:24:33.27\00:24:36.66 progress along, there are times we will make mistakes. 00:24:36.69\00:24:38.93 And there are times when we will fail. 00:24:38.96\00:24:41.34 Because we're limited. We're finite. 00:24:41.37\00:24:43.02 But that does not destroy the validity and the 00:24:43.05\00:24:45.72 strength of the relationship. 00:24:45.75\00:24:47.45 I'm thinking of a concept that strengthens progressive 00:24:47.93\00:24:49.86 relationships is the thought that we see things differently. 00:24:49.89\00:24:54.47 We have different perspectives on our realities and it is ok. 00:24:54.50\00:25:00.48 That we come together and we are one in purpose 00:25:00.51\00:25:04.34 and one in mission. But we can accommodate our 00:25:04.37\00:25:07.07 differences and celebrate that. 00:25:07.10\00:25:09.37 Progressive marriages believe that even miserable situations 00:25:10.48\00:25:14.85 will get better. In other words, they're optimistic. 00:25:14.88\00:25:18.19 When individuals are in relationships, and they have an 00:25:18.22\00:25:21.52 optimistic view, that is helpful and healthy. 00:25:21.55\00:25:25.07 If I take a pessimistic view, "Well, it's not 00:25:25.10\00:25:28.69 going to get any better. Well, I don't think 00:25:28.72\00:25:31.85 we're going to make it. Well, I think we'll 00:25:31.88\00:25:34.78 have to break up. " We can see where that is going. 00:25:34.82\00:25:37.16 If we're optimistic, if we feel that "Well, yes it's rough now. 00:25:37.19\00:25:42.06 We're going through a storm. But after a storm, 00:25:42.09\00:25:44.28 there is a calm. " Yes, things can get better. 00:25:44.31\00:25:46.97 So we're saying our beliefs, the assumptions we make 00:25:47.41\00:25:49.55 in our relationships. For example, when we 00:25:49.58\00:25:52.44 think of the notion that we can respect our individual choices. 00:25:52.47\00:25:58.15 And we don't have to put each other in a box in order to 00:25:58.18\00:26:01.14 function, that we can create space for growth individually. 00:26:01.17\00:26:06.35 Then we are helping each other to become the best 00:26:06.39\00:26:10.28 they are capable of, and your marriage is likely to grow. 00:26:10.31\00:26:13.87 And no marriage can really progress unless Jesus Christ 00:26:13.90\00:26:21.06 is in the center of it. The Psalmist says, I invite you 00:26:21.09\00:26:25.60 to look at Psalm 127:1. Read with me, it says: 00:26:25.63\00:26:31.29 That is so true. God has to be the foundation. 00:26:40.06\00:26:44.01 God has to be the cornerstone. 00:26:44.04\00:26:46.70 There are many individuals who are progressing materially. 00:26:46.73\00:26:51.42 They are progressing financially. 00:26:51.46\00:26:53.50 They're progressing educationally. 00:26:53.54\00:26:55.54 All are forms of progression, but Jesus Christ is not 00:26:55.57\00:27:00.15 at the center of their home. And in truth, and in fact, 00:27:00.18\00:27:03.15 that's not progress. Because if Jesus is in 00:27:03.18\00:27:06.29 the family, what a happy home. But if He's not in that family, 00:27:06.32\00:27:10.07 no matter what we have, it means nothing. 00:27:10.10\00:27:12.89 I can think of 1 Thessalonians 5:7. 00:27:14.31\00:27:17.47 I invite you to read with me. 00:27:17.50\00:27:19.30 We want to take our challenges to God. 00:27:23.58\00:27:25.59 He is available and able to see us through our challenges. 00:27:25.62\00:27:30.07 So when we have barriers, or anything that would prevent 00:27:30.10\00:27:35.19 our marriages from progressing, let us remember to always pray. 00:27:35.22\00:27:39.36 And that's exactly what God is asking us to do. 00:27:40.10\00:27:42.75 No matter what, put it in His Hands. 00:27:42.78\00:27:45.47