Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000041
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage In God's Hands.
00:33 I'm Alanzo Smith your host for this program. 00:36 I'm June Smith your co-host. 00:40 Before we start our discussion 00:42 on dysfunctional family patterns I invite you to pray with us. 00:47 Father God, we come in your precious name asking that 00:55 you will strengthen families and make us whole. 00:58 We thank you for your atoning grace and for your love. 01:01 Be with us now we pray. 01:03 In Jesus' name, amen. 01:06 We want to talk about dysfunctional family patterns. 01:13 We have been talking about healthy marriages. 01:19 Our hope and dream is for all marriages to be healthy, 01:23 but we know that's not so. 01:25 We know there are some marriages that practice dysfunctional 01:30 family patterns. 01:32 Let's talk about some of them. 01:34 I think I want you to read for us a text in 1 Corinthians. 02:29 This is a very powerful text 02:31 when we are talking about family and family relationship. 02:35 Paul is talking about the correlation between the members 02:40 of the body and the body itself. 02:43 It says that they are all one. 02:45 The same is true for the family. 02:48 When we talk about Freudian psychoanalytic formulation 02:54 we have a concept of the individual as the IP. 03:00 Share that concept with us and let us know why that is 03:06 antithetical to what Paul is talking about. 03:10 The whole notion of the psychoanalysis approach to 03:15 the way we conceptualize a problem in an individual 03:19 is that the IP, the identified patient as we would say, 03:22 is where the problem lies. 03:25 In the concept of the family however, we're saying that 03:30 one individual in the family maybe exhibiting a symptom 03:36 of a problem that resides within the whole family. 03:41 I had a classic example. 03:43 The child was thought to be the troublemaker, the truancy child. 03:49 The parents felt that this was a child that was giving trouble 03:53 and something was wrong with the child. 03:55 On deeper evaluation, it was discovered that something was 04:01 wrong within the family. 04:03 It was a result of that, why the child was actually reacting. 04:08 We're saying that, Paul emphasizes the chemistry of the 04:14 entire members of the body becoming one. 04:17 The same analogy is true with the family. 04:21 The notion is that what affects one member of the family 04:26 affects the entire family. 04:28 Isn't that the concept of systems theory? 04:30 When we talk about the system; the family as a system. 04:33 We're not saying we don't look at the individual. 04:37 We're not negating the fact that the individual is important. 04:40 What we're saying is you don't just look at the individual. 04:44 You don't say the husband is the problem in this relationship 04:47 or the wife is the problem. 04:49 What we're saying is let's see what's happening in the system. 04:52 What's happening in the family; 04:53 in this marriage that is causing the problem, rather than 04:56 labeling one person. 04:58 We're saying that families become dysfunctional because 05:04 sometimes individuals within the family identify the one person 05:10 who might be exhibiting 05:12 and reflecting the problems in the family 05:14 as the cause of the problem. 05:16 A deeper look at the system will reveal the entire system 05:21 has the problem, and therefore needs to get help. 05:24 Precisely. When we talk about dysfunctional family patterns 05:30 one of the things we need to look for is the ability 05:34 of an individual to differentiate between 05:38 the thinking process and the feeling process. 05:41 Often times these are blurred. 05:44 How helpful it is for families to understand the difference 05:50 between thinking and feeling. 05:52 We are complex beings. 05:56 We are made up of thoughts and ideas, but we are also 06:01 made up of emotions and our affection. 06:04 We feel, we respond and we're sensitive too. 06:07 Our experiences... 06:08 What we're trying to say here is some people operate more so 06:14 in the emotional domain, and others operate in the 06:19 thinking domain. 06:21 When people operate on those extremes the family is likely 06:27 to function dysfunctionally. 06:30 If we were to use a theoretical scale, 06:32 an imaginary theoretical scale, let's say from 1 to 7. 06:38 We would say from 1 to 2, would be individuals who 06:43 operate off the feeling process. 06:46 Individuals who are at the other end of a 6 and 7 06:52 are individuals who operate off the thinking process. 06:56 Between those two extremes would be the numbers 3,4, and 5. 07:03 That is where you would find individuals with 07:05 healthy self-esteem. 07:07 Let's take the first end the ones and the twos; 07:11 the feeling process. 07:14 If I am... In our marriage, if I as your husband operate only 07:21 off my feeling, and everything I assess through how I feel? 07:26 What's the danger there to our relationship? 07:29 The danger is that your likely; your behavior, your response 07:34 to me will likely be driven by those feelings 07:37 When sometimes you might be feeling something but 07:41 the rationale behind it might be different or might explain 07:45 the feeling a different way. 07:46 If you get an opportunity to understand what drives 07:50 this feeling and to explore the ideas 07:54 and the thoughts behind it. 07:55 Maybe my thinking about my response influenced 07:58 the way you felt, it might make a difference in the outcome. 08:03 If I'm understanding you correctly. 08:07 I'm hearing you say there are some pitfalls 08:10 to the feeling process. 08:12 Individuals who operate at this level tend to have 08:15 low self-esteem. 08:17 They tend to be the recipient of verbal 08:21 as well as physical abuse. 08:23 Individuals who are operating off the feeling process 08:26 they maybe coming from enmeshed families. 08:30 The notion, the concept of enmeshment, talk to us 08:34 in terms of how does that affect family outcomes. 08:39 The whole notion of operating and relying solely on emotions 08:43 leave one feeling incomplete, incapable of managing and 08:49 dealing with and confronting the challenges. 08:52 What one tends to do is to form an alliance, 08:56 to galvanize somebody else around them so that they lean 09:00 on this person and they literally develop 09:03 an almost suffocating relationship. 09:06 That's often referred to as an enmeshed relationship. 09:09 We're saying individuals within a family who operate solely on 09:13 the feeling process tend to take the blame, to complain; they sit 09:21 and they accept whatever is given to them. 09:24 The opposite is true. 09:25 Persons on the thinking process; these are the egotists, 09:29 the persons who perpetrate verbal abuse 09:33 and the physical abuse. 09:34 Their irrational thinking is: I'm the boss, I'm the leader, 09:38 I'm in charge, you do as I say, etc. 09:41 Therein lies the danger; 09:43 somebody who doesn't feel and who lacks emotions. 09:48 I've spoken to several people in counseling couple relationships. 09:52 One spouse complains about the inability of the other spouse 09:57 to respond and be sensitive to what they are 10:01 experiencing in a marriage. 10:02 Yet they seem to take care of the family in terms of 10:06 paying the bills and doing the things that are essential 10:08 to the survival needs. 10:10 This emotional part is so lacking. 10:13 Yes, the person who operates in the thinking are rational. 10:16 They are logical and they tend to function in that regard. 10:19 Within a marriage, to have a family, or couples not operating 10:28 with these dysfunctional patterns; what they need to do 10:32 is to be able to function or to bring together 10:36 the thinking process and the feeling process. 10:38 There are some things we have to think through 10:40 and there are some things we bring to bear 10:42 our emotion on the relationship; 10:45 not just the thinking, not just the feeling, 10:46 but bringing them together. 10:48 Integration is a blending of both. 10:51 Although you can give the rules and you can inflict discipline 10:56 you also can be sensitive and have emotions. 10:59 Sometimes you might have to adapt and adjust, because 11:03 of the emotions that are involved. 11:05 Talking about emotion; the family emotional system 11:09 is another dysfunctional pattern. 11:11 There are some families that are not mentally stable. 11:16 There are some families that are not emotionally whole. 11:20 Talk to us about the emotional stability of a family. 11:25 In order for a family to survive 11:28 they need to be healthy emotionally. 11:31 They will be bruised but they have to be able to 11:32 brush their knees off and get up and keep batting as it were. 11:36 If everything that happens to the family that causes hurt, 11:39 if they were to just sit and complain and 11:41 wallow in self-pity then they are not likely to survive 11:44 because life will bring you blows 11:46 and you've got to be able to handle that. 11:48 We're talking about the capacity of the family to cope. 11:51 You have to have this coping mechanism. 11:53 You have to be able to adjust to adversity. 11:55 You have to be able to rise above it. 11:58 There are times when life will deal us some hard blows, 12:01 some real blows. 12:03 Some of you now, listening to us, might be experiencing that. 12:06 You may be going through a crisis, a traumatic situation. 12:09 What do you do? Do you run away from it? 12:11 You can't afford to do that. 12:12 You have to rise above the situation. 12:14 You have to be able to manage it; 12:16 the emotional capacity of the family to grow and overcome. 12:21 We have a classic example in the case of Job. 12:24 Job chapter 1, verse 21. 12:26 In that text, Job says, after all the disaster and calamities: 12:43 That's where it is at. 12:44 We will have challenges. 12:46 You will agree with me that Job had challenges. 12:49 Yet, in spite of that, he had resilience. 12:53 He was able to trust God no matter what. 12:56 That's what we want to say to our families today. 12:58 We want them to understand that regardless of what Satan will do 13:02 to cause hurt and harm they can be confident that God 13:06 will see them through. 13:08 Bounce back, rise up, don't allow... 13:11 Solve the problem. Face the challenge. 13:15 You have to be emotionally healthy 13:17 and you have to be emotionally strong. 13:19 We're going to take a break here but, we will be right back. 13:24 Don't go away. Stay with us. 13:25 When we come back we have a lot of things to talk about. 13:28 We want you to have strong families and healthy marriages. 13:43 There are many how to books available, but there is one that 13:47 is free and perfect for every couple. 13:50 "How You Can Build a Better Marriage" 13:52 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:56 easy to read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:59 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 14:02 and everyone in between. 14:03 Simply call or write for your free copy of this booklet, 14:19 Welcome back to our program, Marriage In God's Hands. 14:25 We have been talking about dysfunctional family patterns. 14:30 We're saying we have to find a way of avoiding 14:34 these family patterns. 14:36 Murray Bowen talks about some of these theoretical concepts 14:41 he is the one that developed this concept of 14:44 the family projection system. 14:47 Family projection, is that a healthy situation 14:53 for us to be doing? 14:55 We're talking about dysfunctional patterns. 14:58 Clearly, when a member of the family projects 15:03 their own insecurities or their own desires on a child 15:08 that can be a very dysfunctional thing for a child. 15:11 No, it is not a healthy thing to do. 15:14 In fact, some parents live vicariously 15:18 through their children. 15:19 They may have had goals for example in life 15:22 that they were unable to achieve and they are blessed with 15:26 a child or two or more and they are going to ensure 15:31 that their goals are achieved in their children. 15:34 That reminds me of the father who insisted his son should go 15:38 to a particular school. 15:40 There was a conflict in the family because the mother 15:43 wanted her child to go to a different school. 15:47 It created a deep rift in the family. 15:50 On further development of the issue we realized the father 15:58 had three brothers and all three brothers 16:02 went to this school in particular and 16:04 their children went to that school. 16:07 He was the only one who did not go to the school. 16:09 You could understand why he was now emphasizing 16:13 now why he wanted his son to go to the school. 16:16 He was now projecting onto the son. 16:18 Sometimes it happens in the way we align ourselves 16:21 in little coalitions almost with our children. 16:24 One child could be identified as the favorite child 16:28 or the special child. 16:30 That child is the person that the parent will say 16:36 certain family secrets to or will even talk about 16:39 certain issues in their couple relationship to and they 16:42 lay an enormous emotional burden on that child. 16:46 We're saying that family projection is not a healthy 16:49 approach or a healthy thing to do. 16:51 When you project onto a child you need to understand the 16:54 emotional maturity of that child. 16:57 While you think the child is mature enough to handle it 17:01 the child may not be able to. 17:02 As you said that, recently, I had a call 17:05 from a woman that I counseled. 17:06 She was very annoyed that her son, who is a young adult, 17:10 seemed to be insensitive to her needs. 17:13 When I inquired what the issues were, her son was in essence 17:17 saying, Mom I don't want to hear 17:20 what's going on between you and Dad. 17:21 She thought that was insensitive, but she was 17:23 discussing all the problems and conflicts that she was 17:26 having with her husband. 17:27 It's like dumping on the child. 17:29 Dumping this on the child and as you said 17:30 and as you said the child just wants to be a son. 17:33 He doesn't want to be a counselor to his mother. 17:36 There's a classic example in the Bible. 17:38 It's a story of Joseph. 17:41 Jacob had this special love for Joseph. 17:45 He had 12 sons but you know Joseph was special. 17:49 He bought him this special coat. 17:52 He was treated in a very special way. 17:55 He projected onto this son more than all the others. 17:59 Listen to what the text says: Genesis 37; verses 3 and 4. 18:29 That's exactly what we're talking about. 18:31 They hated him and would not speak. 18:34 Isn't that the result when you project onto your child? 18:37 Unfortunately, that's an extreme case of sibling rivalry, 18:43 but that tends to be the outcome when a child is favored. 18:47 Every child is a gift. 18:49 Children are gifts from God. 18:52 Every child is special, regardless of how skilled 18:57 and talented one child may be over the other. 19:00 One child may even have a dysfunction or disability. 19:03 That child is just as special. 19:05 Parents need to respond to their children as equal as they can 19:11 so that one child is not favored over the other. 19:15 Sometimes they project onto that child to kind of form 19:18 a bonding against the spouse. 19:20 That's not good. 19:22 That's another unhealthy pattern that occurs. 19:24 Instead of speaking I've had couples who come in and they 19:27 complain about; my husband doesn't speak to me. 19:30 He tells my daughter what it is he wants to say to me. 19:33 So the daughter will come and say dad says dad.. da.. da... 19:36 rather than dad speaking directly 19:38 or mom speaking directly. 19:39 I have another case. 19:41 I really thought it was even humorous. 19:42 Where this husband was upset at something that happened 19:46 between he and his wife. 19:47 Instead of having a conversation with his wife about it 19:50 he actually communicated to her in prayer. 19:52 When they did have worship and they were praying he would say 19:57 Lord help my wife to know whatever it is he wanted to say 20:00 to his wife rather than saying it directly to her. 20:03 She, of course, was annoyed at this. 20:06 People use dysfunctional patterns and it perpetuates 20:10 the conflicts and the problems. 20:12 What happens, in many cases, is that when you project 20:19 onto a child that child later on can experience what we call 20:24 what Murray Bowen refers to as emotional cut-off. 20:27 If you project onto a child; you select your favorite child and 20:31 keep projecting and dumping on or putting on responsibilities 20:36 onto that child that is not age appropriate. 20:38 When that child reaches the age of maturity, where it's time 20:43 to go off to college, you find that the child may select 20:47 a school that is far away from home and will not even choose 20:52 to come back on holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 20:55 whatever it is. 20:56 They find a summer job, they find a holiday job because they 20:59 want to stay away from home they're just tired 21:01 they're just tired of the dumping. 21:02 They have emotionally cut themselves off from the family. 21:06 We are not by any measure suggesting that children who 21:09 go far away to school are all trying to get away 21:14 from a difficult situation. 21:16 Yes, that is one way children sometimes try to deal with 21:19 and cope with the burden and the emotional strain that is placed 21:24 on them when they feel projected onto. 21:26 Emotional cut-off is also a way of saying to your parents, 21:33 I don't want to be bothered. 21:35 I have been stifled. 21:37 Earlier on we talked about enmeshed relationships. 21:40 What we are saying is when children live in enmeshed 21:44 relationship where they are smothered, where they don't 21:47 have autonomy and independence to some degree and some extent. 21:50 Age appropriately.. 21:51 Yes, they get to the point where they want to get away from it. 21:55 They want to break out of that family. 21:56 They want to be on their own. 21:58 If you practice dysfunctional patterns; of dumping, 22:03 projecting on, having emotional unstable relationships, 22:08 this could be one of the end result... emotional cut-off. 22:12 It's amazing how behaviors get transmitted from one generation 22:18 to the next. 22:19 We have another phenomenon that Bowen identifies 22:22 as transferring; generational transference. 22:29 When you have certain dysfunctional behaviors 22:35 occurring in one nuclear family it does not mean 22:40 that's where it starts. 22:41 It could be that behavior was in their parents, and in their 22:46 grandparents, and it could be two or three, and even sometimes 22:49 four generational deep. 22:51 We're talking about multi-generational transmission. 22:54 Yes, and it's unfortunate, but it is so true. 22:58 You could marry someone, or you could fall in love with someone 23:01 and be living with this individual and you don't 23:04 understand what they are bringing to the relationship. 23:08 and how far back, how deep, how engraved it is. 23:11 That can be very, very disruptive to the relationship. 23:16 It is amazing how complex relationships are. 23:20 When we are talking about challenges in a marriage, 23:24 we're saying dysfunctions occur, 23:28 because some of these phenomenon's exist, so 23:30 the more people understand that these are situations that occur. 23:35 Hopefully, they can better cope and they might even 23:38 reach out to get help, to further understand how 23:41 that feature is playing out in their relationship. 23:44 Multi-generational transmission processes can be 23:48 extremely dysfunctional in a family. 23:51 Instead of dealing with the here and now, 23:53 dealing with what's in front of you. 23:55 ...What both of you have to manage. 23:58 You find that you're dealing with things that happened 24:02 way back and it's coming to bear in your current relationship. 24:06 It may not relate to your spouse. 24:09 No, but it is destroying the health of the relationship. 24:12 It is destroying the marriage. 24:14 That is something we need to understand. 24:16 The Bible talks about Abraham and Sarah. 24:20 You remember there was this family and Abraham 24:24 was going down to Egypt. 24:25 He knew he had a beautiful wife. 24:27 He said to his wife, 24:29 Say, I pray thee when you get down to Egypt 24:33 say that you are my sister. 24:36 Hello, I think I have a message for all the men 24:40 who are married out there. 24:42 Your wife is not your sister. 24:46 Your wife is your wife; not your sister, not at all. 24:50 We could say Abraham blew it this time. 24:52 Yes, he did! 24:53 He's a great guy; Abraham is a good man, 24:56 but for this one time. 24:57 We understand the implication. 24:59 If Sarah would have gone and said that and demanded 25:03 what they wanted look at the implication. 25:07 Listen, are we talking about multi-generational 25:10 transmission issues and how we pass them on. 25:12 Abraham did that. Guess what? 25:15 His son came and did the very same thing. 25:18 Isaac did that with Rebekah. 25:21 Isaac was going down to Gerar and Isaac said to Rebekah 25:24 When we get there, say that you are my sister. 25:29 Same thing his father did... I don't think his father told him 25:32 to do it but he learned he grew. 25:35 It passed on from one generation to the next. 25:38 Look what happened when he grew up and he had children. 25:41 It happened in his family as well. 25:45 Rebekah listened to the discussion that took place 25:54 between her husband and her son, and she practiced deceit 25:59 with her favorite son she always projected onto. 26:02 The deception started with father Abraham. 26:06 It came to his son. 26:07 Now we see it's moving down from one generation to the next. 26:12 Some of the very same issues that we're facing 26:15 in contemporary societies are examples that occur 26:20 even way back then in biblical times. 26:23 Precisely. In order for us to understand some of the things 26:30 that impact the relationship sometimes we... 26:33 not sometimes... all the time... we encourage individuals 26:38 who are contemplating marriage to do premarital counseling 26:42 because that's important. 26:43 For us to live as God would have us live... for us to have 26:48 healthy marriages... for us to have marriages put in God's hand 26:52 we need to make good preparation and careful preparation. 26:56 That is where premarital counseling comes in. 27:00 These concepts: emotional cut-off, 27:02 family multigenerational transmission... 27:07 issues, emotional system of a family, 27:10 and the thinking and feeling process of individuals 27:13 are all pitfalls that we need to try to avoid. 27:17 They are dysfunctional patterns in marriages. 27:20 They destroy your marriages. 27:21 Understand them and try to grow healthy marriages. 27:25 When a marriage is challenged it doesn't necessarily mean 27:28 that the challenge is caused by the two people. 27:30 No, they are external forces the power of the subsystem. 27:35 Well, we are happy that you are listening with us and 27:38 we want to invite you to continue 27:39 Marriage in God's Hand. 27:41 May God bless you, and may you grow healthy, happy, marriages. |
Revised 2014-12-17