Participants: Alanzo Smith, June Smith
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000040
|
00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:34 I am Alanzo Smith, your host for this program 00:37 I am June Smith, your co-host. 00:41 Today we have a very interesting discussion-healthy marriages. 00:46 Before we get into our discussion won't you bow 00:50 your heads with me as we pray. 00:52 Our heavenly father, we thank you so much for love 00:57 and for life. 00:59 We thank you for the gift of marriage. 01:02 We ask that your Holy Spirit will be with us, 01:04 and all our families around the universe, 01:07 and may your power keep us faithful to you. 01:11 In Jesus name, Amen. 01:13 Healthy marriages-I think that is a very important subject 01:20 for us to talk about. 01:22 Especially, because of the age in which we're living in. 01:26 Often times, so frequently, we hear about 01:29 dysfunctional marriages, and you hear about 01:31 marriages that are not doing well. 01:34 At a time when people focus so much on your health, 01:39 and they do all kinds of things to be in good health, 01:42 do you think we should also focus on our marriages 01:46 and to see to it that we have healthy marriages? 01:49 That's a very good metaphor because, yes, indeed 01:52 people spend so much time and money trying to build muscles 01:57 and to stay healthy. 01:59 Yes, we should be spending equal time on marriages and families. 02:05 There is a powerful text in Ephesians 5, that I would say 02:14 is the key to a healthy marriage. 02:18 Could you read that text for our listeners? 02:22 Starting at verse 21, it says, 02:54 The word submit is not a nice word 03:00 when we are talking about marital relationship 03:04 for a lot of people. 03:05 As a matter of fact, there are some wives who will tell you 03:10 that they are not about to submit to any man 03:14 in no way shape or form, not in this 21st century. 03:19 I remember I had a wedding to do some time ago, and I received 03:27 a call from the lady to be married. 03:29 She wanted me to fax over to her a copy of the wedding vows. 03:36 When I asked what was the reason for that request she told me, 03:40 she wanted to look it over. 03:43 She wanted to make sure that the word submit does not appear. 03:48 She does not think in this 21st century any woman should submit 03:53 to any man. 03:54 I think the same is true for some husbands. 03:57 They have a difficult time applying 04:00 the concept of submitting. 04:02 Some husbands are rigid in their lead, 04:08 in the way they relate to their spouse. 04:10 Their symbiotic relationship of submitting isn't established. 04:16 The Bible gives four categories of submission. 04:23 The first one is citizen to the state. 04:29 That is what I would call compulsion. 04:32 When Jesus said, Render unto Caesar the things 04:36 which are Caesar's. 04:37 We have no choice. 04:39 It seems like we are saying we have to pay our taxes. 04:43 Yes, that's compulsion. 04:45 The second one in the Bible is a slave to their master. 04:51 I call that subjection. 04:54 Paul says obey your master. 04:57 Much like an employee to employer relationship, 05:00 there are requirements, your supervisor has to give you 05:03 instructions and so you are expected to respond positively. 05:07 Exactly. 05:08 The third one is children to parent. 05:12 There again the Bible says, Children obey your parents, 05:16 so I call this obedience. 05:18 This is necessary. 05:20 The fourth one, however, is wives to husband. 05:24 This one I call collaboration. 05:27 When the Bible says, Wives submit yourselves 05:30 unto your own husband. 05:32 The reason why some people have problems with this text 05:36 is, they fail to look at verse 21. 05:40 Verse 22 says wives submit. 05:42 Verse 21 says submitting yourselves one to another. 05:47 So again, this is husband submitting to his wife, 05:51 wife submitting to the husband. 05:54 It's a give and take of both individuals in a relationship. 05:58 As you said early on it's a symbiotic relationship. 06:01 You know something, I think part of the problem, 06:04 why some people have problems with this text is they are 06:09 overlooking verse 25. 06:11 Verse 25 says, Husbands love your wives even as Christ 06:17 loved the church and gave himself for it. 06:20 Amen. 06:21 Here we find Paul is admonishing the couples. 06:27 The husband must do the loving. 06:30 The wife must do the submitting. 06:32 There are times when the husband must submit as well. 06:36 That's what verse 21 is saying, 06:38 submitting yourselves one to another. 06:40 When we talk about this symbiosis, we're talking about 06:44 the husband doing the loving, and the wife 06:46 doing the submitting and vice versa. 06:49 We've spent some time looking at how families misinterpret 06:53 and misapply the concept of submitting 06:57 Why don't we now look at healthy marriages. 07:01 Healthy marriages are challenging at times. 07:06 One of the reasons for this challenge is the individuals 07:11 do what we call linear thinking. 07:16 Linear thinking is the cause and effect. 07:19 It is because you did this is why I did what I did. 07:25 It is because you say something why I behave this way. 07:30 Individuals find reasons to justify their behavior. 07:34 It's a cause and effect principle, and that 07:37 does not lend itself to a healthy relationship. 07:41 Healthy marriages, on the other hand, are able to 07:45 look at other variables, and they are able to see 07:50 from other viewpoints other than just A causes B causes C. 07:55 We have the concept of quid pro quo. 07:59 Meaning, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. 08:02 We're saying that healthy marriages need to function 08:06 outside of that parameter. 08:07 Unfortunately, sometimes you do have people in a relationship 08:14 that may not fill the role that they should. 08:17 Even in those instances you need to be your best self. 08:22 It's not that you are relating because this person relates 08:26 to you nicely, but you're relating because you're 08:29 invested in your marriage and want it to work. 08:32 Communication-healthy marriages have effective communication. 08:39 Communication is accurate. 08:42 As we travel around the world and we talk with individuals 08:46 and conduct marriage seminars, people come up to talk to us 08:50 or in our clinical session we hear people saying 08:53 we don't communicate. 08:55 Is there such a thing as no communication? 08:59 It's funny that you ask that because, Virginia Satir, 09:03 who is a communication theorist, says really there's no 09:07 such thing as no communication. 09:09 We communicate all the time. 09:11 So even the couple who is silent and they withdraw, 09:15 and they appear not to be verbalizing 09:17 what they're thinking, they are still sending a message 09:21 to each other, and often that message is misunderstood. 09:25 The man who sits on the couch and is watching 09:30 his baseball game, and the wife calls out to him and says 09:34 could you get me something in the garage, 09:36 and he doesn't answer, is he communicating 09:40 or not communicating to his wife? 09:42 He is certainly not verbalizing that he doesn't want 09:45 to be disturbed, or that his game right now is 09:48 at a crucial point that he doesn't want to leave. 09:50 His wife may not be reading that message. 09:54 What she might be reading is he isn't responding to my need. 09:58 He is selfish. 09:59 He is interested more in the game than he is in responding 10:03 to the needs of his family. 10:04 The list goes on. 10:05 The essence is we do communicate all the time. 10:09 For a marriage to be healthy we need to use effective methods 10:13 of communicating. 10:14 Giving positive feedback is one of the key ingredients 10:19 to a healthy relationship. 10:22 If you are in a relationship and you are hearing 10:23 just the negative, what is not done, what you are like, 10:27 and just hearing negative things. 10:29 That has some kind of impact or negative consequences 10:35 on the relationship. 10:36 Healthy marriages give positive feedback. 10:40 It enhances growth and strength in the relationship. 10:44 Many people that I speak with talk about difficulties 10:48 and challenges that they face with what we call subsystems. 10:53 There is interference from other people 10:55 who are a part of their family unit, 10:57 whether these are extended family members, or they are 11:02 co-workers, or they are a part of a club they belong to. 11:06 These people tend to get more attention and affection 11:10 and time from the spouse, rather than the spouse giving 11:14 this time to the family. 11:15 Recently I spoke to a woman who was upset that her husband 11:18 was part of a group, a singing group, and that every 11:23 waking moment he had free was spent with the singing group. 11:27 Now, he is doing something that he thinks is valuable, 11:30 but his wife is upset because this is an interference 11:34 to her time and to her relationship. 11:37 Those are some challenges that healthy families face. 11:40 Another one would be family homeostasis, that is 11:44 the capacity of the family to rebound and regroup 11:48 from adversities. 11:51 Families that can withstand challenges, families that have 11:56 the capacity to grow and to change when they are going 11:59 through difficult times, are families that are healthy. 12:03 This is an important ingredient to a marriage; 12:06 the ability to withstand challenges and to change. 12:10 The notion of boundaries and limits, establishing structure, 12:15 where there are clear rules and each member of the family 12:19 children, husband and wife, they all understand 12:24 what the limits are, and to what extent these limits 12:28 should be kept, and what the consequences or discipline 12:31 will be if those limits are broken. 12:33 Healthy families have clear limits, set structure 12:38 and clear boundaries. 12:39 The children are not left to run wild or loose 12:46 and the boundaries are clear and well defined. 12:50 When you have well defined boundaries, 12:52 you have a orderly family. 12:54 You have a family that is growing healthy 12:57 because the rules are there, and they are governed by 13:00 those rules and they respect those rules. 13:02 The thing about that is it provides security. 13:04 Everyone knows, especially the children, they know exactly 13:08 what is necessary and what mommy or dad's 13:11 expectations are, and they live within the rules. 13:16 We are talking about healthy marriages. 13:20 Right now we are going to take a short break. 13:23 We'll be right back. 13:24 Don't go anywhere, because when we come back we're going to talk 13:27 about how to grow a healthy marriage. 13:31 You're gonna love this. 13:45 There are many how-to books available, but there is one 13:48 that's free and perfect for every couple. 13:50 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:53 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 13:57 easy to read manner, for those contemplating marriage, 14:00 newlyweds, couples in their golden years 14:02 and everyone in between. 14:04 Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing 14:07 little booklet. 14:08 A handy little tool to help build a better marriage. 14:21 Welcome back to our program, Marriage in God's Hands. 14:26 We have been talking about healthy marriages. 14:30 June, share with our audience what we mean by differentiations 14:37 or levels of differentiation and the relationship with 14:40 healthy marriages. 14:42 One of the challenges that people often face 14:45 is the need to feel whole and to feel complete. 14:51 That in essence encapsulates the concept of differentiation; 14:57 the sense of being an individual. 15:00 The goal in a marriage is that each person will take 15:03 responsibility for himself, and work on the limitations 15:07 that they bring to the relationship. 15:09 So that they don't necessarily have to lean on the relationship 15:12 to feel complete and to feel like a human. 15:15 When an individual who's not yet married, 15:20 should they have this notion, this concept that 15:23 I'm going to get married to be happy. 15:26 I'm going to get married to be whole, to be complete. 15:30 That is correct. 15:32 The idea is if you're not happy within yourself. 15:37 You're not likely to be happy in your marriage. 15:40 Technically, what I'm hearing, you say, although you said 15:42 that is correct, what you mean is, we're going to be whole 15:46 as one, but we have to be differentiated as individuals 15:52 going into the marriage we have to be highly differentiated. 15:55 When two healthy people bring their best self 15:59 to the relationship then they can have that oneness they seek. 16:06 Accepting each other for who he is or she is, is important. 16:14 Talk to us about that concept. 16:16 We're talking about bringing your best self 16:18 to the relationship, and that's a work in progress. 16:21 Clearly the individual will have limitations, but each 16:25 spouse must be willing to accept this work in progress. 16:30 As they are growing towards that wholeness they will still be 16:35 comfortable with each other. 16:37 Sometimes we look for the weakness. 16:43 Early on we talked about accentuating the positive; 16:47 giving positive feedback. 16:48 What we want to mention here is the concept 16:52 of mentioning strengths. 16:55 In a healthy relationship look for the strength in your spouse 17:01 and mention it more than the weakness. 17:04 Often times we see the weakness, we feel the weakness, we pick 17:08 out the weakness and we elaborate on the weakness. 17:11 Yet so many strengths that are unnoticed, unmentioned 17:15 that would help to strengthen the relationship and to grow it. 17:19 I spoke to a woman once who told me that rarely does she hear 17:23 anything positive and that her husband really highlights the 17:28 contributions that she made to her relationship, but she hears 17:31 a lot of criticism about the things that she 17:34 doesn't do right. 17:36 There's something about the human spirit. 17:39 When, if you say something to me and tell me, how good I am, 17:44 or what skills I have or strengths I have in 17:49 the relationship. 17:50 It makes me feel good. 17:52 It makes me want to be that better person. 17:55 On the other hand, the limitations that you have, 17:59 I also need to be able to help you see that, but you need to 18:03 be able to receive that with kindness, so that you 18:06 can work at it and improve. 18:08 The key is how you say that limitation. 18:11 Often times we can say things but the way we say it 18:17 will determine the outcome. 18:19 We are encouraging you to focus on the strength 18:23 not the weakness. 18:24 Yes, there are times when you have to talk about the weakness 18:27 but remember, the way you talk about the weakness 18:30 will make a big difference in your marriage. 18:33 Family fun time-people rarely have time for fun these days. 18:38 In order to grow a healthy marriage we must take time 18:43 for some pleasure in the relationship. 18:45 That is true. 18:46 In one of my clinical sessions, I had a discussion with a father 18:53 who said he had very little, as a matter of fact, no time 18:57 for his son. 18:58 I gave him an assignment. 19:00 I asked him to take some time out during that week and go 19:04 and play with his boy. 19:06 It was amazing! 19:08 The following week, when they came back in session, how 19:12 the mother related to me the joy of the boy. 19:16 She related how he came in and was excited and telling 19:20 his mother all that daddy did. 19:23 He can catch the ball, he can hit the ball. 19:25 She said I've never seen him so excited. 19:28 That's what we are talking about. 19:29 Take time, make time. 19:30 As you cited that example, it reminds me of an advertisement 19:34 that I saw, where this woman, this mother, who is a 19:37 real estate agent is very successful in her trade. 19:40 That of course demanded much of her time. 19:44 Her little five year old daughter, on every demand, 19:47 was turned down. 19:49 She had no time to spend with her daughter. 19:51 On one occasion, her daughter asked, Mom can you accompany me 19:55 to some activity that she wanted her, and her mom had to cancel, 19:59 because she had an appointment with a client. 20:01 Her daughter turned to her mom and she said, Mom 20:04 how can I become a client? 20:06 That just broke my heart. 20:08 In essence, what her daughter was saying, was that her client 20:11 was getting a lot more of her time than she was. 20:16 Decision making-we're talking about growing healthy marriages. 20:22 One of the ways you can grow your marriage is to have 20:26 decisions being made on a democratic basis. 20:31 Talk to us on decisions being made in a democratic fashion. 20:36 The reality is in a family there are many people, 20:40 at least two people. 20:41 Sometimes three or four based on the amount of children 20:46 in that relationship. 20:47 Each person impacts the decision and should be considered 20:53 in the decisions. 20:54 Family members, in order to grow healthy relationships 20:58 really need to listen to each other, hear each other's ideas, 21:02 and ask for their opinion; their contribution to the decision. 21:05 That sometimes could impact more positively on the outcome. 21:10 You should not just bark out commands and impose commands. 21:16 We should listen and we should talk. 21:18 Staying totally committed to a relationship I think is a real 21:23 security in the relationship. 21:25 Knowing that I have knowledge of where we're going. 21:28 I am totally committed to this relationship. 21:31 Even if there is a challenge I am willing to find a solution, 21:35 but it's not my intent to walk away. 21:39 Knowing that I think really helps to provide security 21:42 in the relationship. 21:44 Many marriages are not growing simply because individuals 21:50 don't feel committed and secure in the relationship. 21:55 When we talk about being totally committed, 21:58 that means our entire being. 22:01 That's what God is talking about when he says 22:04 ...they two become one, that's total commitment. 22:07 One flesh... that's total commitment. 22:09 That's what God is expecting from each marriage. 22:12 It doesn't mean your marriage won't have challenges, 22:15 but when there are challenges, the goal is that we are working 22:21 to solve and resolve the problems 22:24 that confront the relationship. 22:25 Again, we are committed to make this work. 22:30 When each person, and the other members of the family, 22:33 get the idea that we're here to stay. 22:36 We're here to follow God's will. 22:38 We're here to commit to the longevity of this relationship. 22:41 Then we are likely to see positive results. 22:44 One of the complaints that I get from individuals 22:51 is their spouse does not show respect. 22:56 There is a lack of respect. 23:00 Talk to us about the level of disrespect in a relationship 23:03 and how that retards growth in a relationship. 23:06 I think it's human in general. 23:09 Anyone who is disrespected certainly will be offended. 23:14 In a relationship where love is supposed to be 23:18 a basic characteristic than disrespect should have no place. 23:24 Respect for ideas, respect for ideas and opinion, respect for 23:29 what you value... 23:31 Basically showing respect for each other. 23:34 This concept of living together means I have to value 23:40 and respect you as a person, and that's the least 23:43 you can do for me. 23:45 We keep talking about symbiosis. 23:47 That is the symbiotic relationship that God wants 23:50 us to have... respect for each other. 23:52 One other concept that I think is important is the notion of 23:56 providing for the family. 23:58 Ensuring that the family in order to grow have basic needs 24:02 and that these needs need to be catered to. 24:04 I find that many families are deprived of just the 24:08 basic essential and that to me is on some level 24:13 disrespecting the needs of your family. 24:15 Also, the problem solving skills of healthy marriages are good. 24:24 Problems ought to be dealt with as they come up. 24:28 Remember when we were doing that seminar somewhere, 24:33 in the question and answer period, a gentleman asked 24:37 how long after there's an argument should I make up 24:41 with my spouse? 24:42 I said the Bible says you should not allow the sun to go down 24:47 on your wrath. 24:48 He said, I know that but how long? 24:49 Before I could answer the wife responded, Tell him. 24:53 My husband takes a long time. 24:56 He responded, When I have a problem I need at least 25:01 two weeks before I settle down to talk to my wife again. 25:04 That's too long. 25:06 That is not a healthy thing to do at all. 25:08 As the Bible says, we ought to solve or fix our problems 25:12 and try to resolve it as quickly as we can. 25:15 The goal is to keep our marriages together. 25:17 How about willing to say, I'm sorry. 25:19 That is such a difficult thing for some people to do. 25:22 Yes, it is a very easy thing to do when you understand 25:26 the consequences of the injury that occurs when you hurt 25:31 each other. 25:32 So having the willingness to say Honey I'm sorry and mean it. 25:35 We should tell our listeners to grow a healthy family 25:40 avoid arguing in front of the children. 25:44 Sometimes we have this lack of impulse control 25:47 and we keep doing it. 25:48 We cannot afford to argue in front of the children. 25:51 It also allows the children to feel insecure, 25:55 and to feel unsafe. 25:57 In their world, Mom and Dad provide that nurturing 26:01 that nest. 26:02 If they get the notion that these two adults are going 26:05 at each other and are likely to run away from each other 26:08 then they are not sure where their lives are going. 26:11 Above anything else that we could say, in growing 26:14 a healthy relationship would be have meaningful family worship. 26:19 We cannot afford to be too busy or too tired, whatever it is. 26:25 We need to have family worship to grow the spirituality 26:32 of that relationship. 26:33 I think that is paramount. 26:35 Christ needs to be in the center of our homes. 26:38 The family altar must be erected. 26:42 Children must value the spiritual values we espouse. 26:47 We ought to ensure our little nest, our home, 26:51 is a little heaven on earth. 26:53 The challenge for parents is to be like Joshua. 26:57 It is our God given responsibility to command our 27:01 whole soul after righteousness. 27:03 Like Joshua said, As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. 27:08 In this day and age which we are living what better admonition 27:13 can we make, can we declare to our families the notion 27:17 that we will serve the Lord despite what's going on. 27:20 We will serve the Lord, despite what is happening. 27:23 This family, we're committed to serve the Lord. 27:26 That's the greatest asset in growing a family. 27:30 In God's Grace. 27:32 Let us pray, Father God we thank you for your love, 27:36 and we thank you for the families you have given us. 27:41 We ask for your strength, for your mercy, and your grace. 27:45 In Jesus' name, amen. |
Revised 2014-12-17