Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands. 00:00:30.24\00:00:34.08 I am Alanzo Smith, your host for this program 00:00:34.11\00:00:37.86 I am June Smith, your co-host. 00:00:37.89\00:00:41.66 Today we have a very interesting discussion-healthy marriages. 00:00:41.69\00:00:46.95 Before we get into our discussion won't you bow 00:00:46.98\00:00:50.46 your heads with me as we pray. 00:00:50.49\00:00:52.30 Our heavenly father, we thank you so much for love 00:00:52.33\00:00:57.94 and for life. 00:00:57.97\00:00:59.94 We thank you for the gift of marriage. 00:00:59.97\00:01:02.11 We ask that your Holy Spirit will be with us, 00:01:02.14\00:01:04.73 and all our families around the universe, 00:01:04.76\00:01:07.39 and may your power keep us faithful to you. 00:01:07.42\00:01:11.40 In Jesus name, Amen. 00:01:11.43\00:01:13.79 Healthy marriages-I think that is a very important subject 00:01:13.82\00:01:20.85 for us to talk about. 00:01:20.88\00:01:22.26 Especially, because of the age in which we're living in. 00:01:22.29\00:01:26.13 Often times, so frequently, we hear about 00:01:26.16\00:01:29.30 dysfunctional marriages, and you hear about 00:01:29.33\00:01:31.96 marriages that are not doing well. 00:01:31.99\00:01:34.77 At a time when people focus so much on your health, 00:01:34.80\00:01:39.33 and they do all kinds of things to be in good health, 00:01:39.36\00:01:42.62 do you think we should also focus on our marriages 00:01:42.65\00:01:45.97 and to see to it that we have healthy marriages? 00:01:46.00\00:01:49.21 That's a very good metaphor because, yes, indeed 00:01:49.24\00:01:52.73 people spend so much time and money trying to build muscles 00:01:52.76\00:01:57.52 and to stay healthy. 00:01:57.55\00:01:59.70 Yes, we should be spending equal time on marriages and families. 00:01:59.73\00:02:05.96 There is a powerful text in Ephesians 5, that I would say 00:02:05.99\00:02:14.66 is the key to a healthy marriage. 00:02:14.69\00:02:18.94 Could you read that text for our listeners? 00:02:18.97\00:02:22.28 Starting at verse 21, it says, 00:02:22.31\00:02:24.73 The word submit is not a nice word 00:02:54.54\00:03:00.17 when we are talking about marital relationship 00:03:00.20\00:03:04.19 for a lot of people. 00:03:04.22\00:03:05.88 As a matter of fact, there are some wives who will tell you 00:03:05.91\00:03:10.85 that they are not about to submit to any man 00:03:10.88\00:03:14.88 in no way shape or form, not in this 21st century. 00:03:14.91\00:03:19.82 I remember I had a wedding to do some time ago, and I received 00:03:19.85\00:03:27.50 a call from the lady to be married. 00:03:27.53\00:03:29.80 She wanted me to fax over to her a copy of the wedding vows. 00:03:29.83\00:03:36.26 When I asked what was the reason for that request she told me, 00:03:36.29\00:03:40.39 she wanted to look it over. 00:03:40.42\00:03:43.16 She wanted to make sure that the word submit does not appear. 00:03:43.19\00:03:48.73 She does not think in this 21st century any woman should submit 00:03:48.76\00:03:53.66 to any man. 00:03:53.69\00:03:54.66 I think the same is true for some husbands. 00:03:54.69\00:03:57.80 They have a difficult time applying 00:03:57.83\00:04:00.51 the concept of submitting. 00:04:00.54\00:04:02.26 Some husbands are rigid in their lead, 00:04:02.29\00:04:08.29 in the way they relate to their spouse. 00:04:08.32\00:04:10.64 Their symbiotic relationship of submitting isn't established. 00:04:10.67\00:04:16.54 The Bible gives four categories of submission. 00:04:16.57\00:04:23.57 The first one is citizen to the state. 00:04:23.60\00:04:28.97 That is what I would call compulsion. 00:04:29.00\00:04:32.69 When Jesus said, Render unto Caesar the things 00:04:32.72\00:04:36.43 which are Caesar's. 00:04:36.46\00:04:37.43 We have no choice. 00:04:37.44\00:04:39.00 It seems like we are saying we have to pay our taxes. 00:04:39.03\00:04:43.02 Yes, that's compulsion. 00:04:43.05\00:04:45.90 The second one in the Bible is a slave to their master. 00:04:45.93\00:04:51.71 I call that subjection. 00:04:51.74\00:04:54.19 Paul says obey your master. 00:04:54.22\00:04:57.28 Much like an employee to employer relationship, 00:04:57.31\00:05:00.68 there are requirements, your supervisor has to give you 00:05:00.71\00:05:03.88 instructions and so you are expected to respond positively. 00:05:03.91\00:05:07.72 Exactly. 00:05:07.75\00:05:08.72 The third one is children to parent. 00:05:08.73\00:05:12.15 There again the Bible says, Children obey your parents, 00:05:12.18\00:05:16.01 so I call this obedience. 00:05:16.04\00:05:18.07 This is necessary. 00:05:18.10\00:05:20.42 The fourth one, however, is wives to husband. 00:05:20.45\00:05:24.05 This one I call collaboration. 00:05:24.08\00:05:27.03 When the Bible says, Wives submit yourselves 00:05:27.06\00:05:30.92 unto your own husband. 00:05:30.95\00:05:32.61 The reason why some people have problems with this text 00:05:32.64\00:05:36.06 is, they fail to look at verse 21. 00:05:36.09\00:05:40.45 Verse 22 says wives submit. 00:05:40.48\00:05:42.71 Verse 21 says submitting yourselves one to another. 00:05:42.74\00:05:47.81 So again, this is husband submitting to his wife, 00:05:47.84\00:05:51.46 wife submitting to the husband. 00:05:51.49\00:05:54.40 It's a give and take of both individuals in a relationship. 00:05:54.43\00:05:58.14 As you said early on it's a symbiotic relationship. 00:05:58.17\00:06:01.60 You know something, I think part of the problem, 00:06:01.63\00:06:04.78 why some people have problems with this text is they are 00:06:04.81\00:06:09.25 overlooking verse 25. 00:06:09.28\00:06:11.52 Verse 25 says, Husbands love your wives even as Christ 00:06:11.55\00:06:17.06 loved the church and gave himself for it. 00:06:17.09\00:06:20.42 Amen. 00:06:20.45\00:06:21.42 Here we find Paul is admonishing the couples. 00:06:21.43\00:06:27.40 The husband must do the loving. 00:06:27.43\00:06:30.03 The wife must do the submitting. 00:06:30.06\00:06:32.90 There are times when the husband must submit as well. 00:06:32.93\00:06:36.28 That's what verse 21 is saying, 00:06:36.31\00:06:38.20 submitting yourselves one to another. 00:06:38.23\00:06:40.71 When we talk about this symbiosis, we're talking about 00:06:40.74\00:06:44.15 the husband doing the loving, and the wife 00:06:44.18\00:06:46.55 doing the submitting and vice versa. 00:06:46.58\00:06:49.07 We've spent some time looking at how families misinterpret 00:06:49.10\00:06:53.58 and misapply the concept of submitting 00:06:53.61\00:06:57.22 Why don't we now look at healthy marriages. 00:06:57.25\00:07:01.69 Healthy marriages are challenging at times. 00:07:01.72\00:07:06.61 One of the reasons for this challenge is the individuals 00:07:06.64\00:07:11.91 do what we call linear thinking. 00:07:11.94\00:07:16.16 Linear thinking is the cause and effect. 00:07:16.19\00:07:19.93 It is because you did this is why I did what I did. 00:07:19.96\00:07:25.74 It is because you say something why I behave this way. 00:07:25.77\00:07:30.29 Individuals find reasons to justify their behavior. 00:07:30.32\00:07:34.73 It's a cause and effect principle, and that 00:07:34.76\00:07:37.45 does not lend itself to a healthy relationship. 00:07:37.48\00:07:41.82 Healthy marriages, on the other hand, are able to 00:07:41.85\00:07:45.39 look at other variables, and they are able to see 00:07:45.42\00:07:49.99 from other viewpoints other than just A causes B causes C. 00:07:50.02\00:07:55.72 We have the concept of quid pro quo. 00:07:55.75\00:07:59.19 Meaning, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. 00:07:59.22\00:08:02.93 We're saying that healthy marriages need to function 00:08:02.96\00:08:06.28 outside of that parameter. 00:08:06.31\00:08:07.83 Unfortunately, sometimes you do have people in a relationship 00:08:07.86\00:08:14.33 that may not fill the role that they should. 00:08:14.36\00:08:17.32 Even in those instances you need to be your best self. 00:08:17.35\00:08:22.94 It's not that you are relating because this person relates 00:08:22.97\00:08:26.52 to you nicely, but you're relating because you're 00:08:26.55\00:08:29.03 invested in your marriage and want it to work. 00:08:29.06\00:08:32.82 Communication-healthy marriages have effective communication. 00:08:32.85\00:08:39.95 Communication is accurate. 00:08:39.98\00:08:42.21 As we travel around the world and we talk with individuals 00:08:42.24\00:08:46.75 and conduct marriage seminars, people come up to talk to us 00:08:46.78\00:08:50.87 or in our clinical session we hear people saying 00:08:50.90\00:08:53.71 we don't communicate. 00:08:53.74\00:08:55.89 Is there such a thing as no communication? 00:08:55.92\00:08:59.78 It's funny that you ask that because, Virginia Satir, 00:08:59.81\00:09:03.09 who is a communication theorist, says really there's no 00:09:03.12\00:09:07.21 such thing as no communication. 00:09:07.24\00:09:09.53 We communicate all the time. 00:09:09.56\00:09:11.75 So even the couple who is silent and they withdraw, 00:09:11.78\00:09:15.55 and they appear not to be verbalizing 00:09:15.58\00:09:17.87 what they're thinking, they are still sending a message 00:09:17.90\00:09:21.54 to each other, and often that message is misunderstood. 00:09:21.57\00:09:25.77 The man who sits on the couch and is watching 00:09:25.80\00:09:30.81 his baseball game, and the wife calls out to him and says 00:09:30.84\00:09:34.43 could you get me something in the garage, 00:09:34.46\00:09:36.59 and he doesn't answer, is he communicating 00:09:36.62\00:09:40.35 or not communicating to his wife? 00:09:40.38\00:09:42.21 He is certainly not verbalizing that he doesn't want 00:09:42.24\00:09:45.89 to be disturbed, or that his game right now is 00:09:45.93\00:09:48.62 at a crucial point that he doesn't want to leave. 00:09:48.65\00:09:50.88 His wife may not be reading that message. 00:09:50.91\00:09:54.22 What she might be reading is he isn't responding to my need. 00:09:54.25\00:09:58.29 He is selfish. 00:09:58.32\00:09:59.53 He is interested more in the game than he is in responding 00:09:59.56\00:10:03.04 to the needs of his family. 00:10:03.07\00:10:04.36 The list goes on. 00:10:04.39\00:10:05.61 The essence is we do communicate all the time. 00:10:05.64\00:10:09.34 For a marriage to be healthy we need to use effective methods 00:10:09.37\00:10:13.08 of communicating. 00:10:13.11\00:10:14.78 Giving positive feedback is one of the key ingredients 00:10:14.81\00:10:19.48 to a healthy relationship. 00:10:19.51\00:10:22.03 If you are in a relationship and you are hearing 00:10:22.06\00:10:23.87 just the negative, what is not done, what you are like, 00:10:23.90\00:10:27.08 and just hearing negative things. 00:10:27.11\00:10:29.25 That has some kind of impact or negative consequences 00:10:29.28\00:10:35.58 on the relationship. 00:10:35.61\00:10:36.85 Healthy marriages give positive feedback. 00:10:36.88\00:10:40.88 It enhances growth and strength in the relationship. 00:10:40.91\00:10:44.83 Many people that I speak with talk about difficulties 00:10:44.86\00:10:48.36 and challenges that they face with what we call subsystems. 00:10:48.39\00:10:53.02 There is interference from other people 00:10:53.05\00:10:55.74 who are a part of their family unit, 00:10:55.77\00:10:57.87 whether these are extended family members, or they are 00:10:57.90\00:11:02.10 co-workers, or they are a part of a club they belong to. 00:11:02.13\00:11:06.39 These people tend to get more attention and affection 00:11:06.42\00:11:10.18 and time from the spouse, rather than the spouse giving 00:11:10.21\00:11:14.15 this time to the family. 00:11:14.18\00:11:15.35 Recently I spoke to a woman who was upset that her husband 00:11:15.38\00:11:18.50 was part of a group, a singing group, and that every 00:11:18.53\00:11:23.24 waking moment he had free was spent with the singing group. 00:11:23.27\00:11:27.10 Now, he is doing something that he thinks is valuable, 00:11:27.13\00:11:30.19 but his wife is upset because this is an interference 00:11:30.22\00:11:34.87 to her time and to her relationship. 00:11:34.90\00:11:37.28 Those are some challenges that healthy families face. 00:11:37.31\00:11:40.32 Another one would be family homeostasis, that is 00:11:40.35\00:11:44.31 the capacity of the family to rebound and regroup 00:11:44.34\00:11:48.39 from adversities. 00:11:48.42\00:11:51.26 Families that can withstand challenges, families that have 00:11:51.29\00:11:56.30 the capacity to grow and to change when they are going 00:11:56.33\00:11:59.38 through difficult times, are families that are healthy. 00:11:59.41\00:12:03.09 This is an important ingredient to a marriage; 00:12:03.12\00:12:06.94 the ability to withstand challenges and to change. 00:12:06.97\00:12:10.51 The notion of boundaries and limits, establishing structure, 00:12:10.54\00:12:15.42 where there are clear rules and each member of the family 00:12:15.45\00:12:19.26 children, husband and wife, they all understand 00:12:19.29\00:12:24.76 what the limits are, and to what extent these limits 00:12:24.79\00:12:28.36 should be kept, and what the consequences or discipline 00:12:28.39\00:12:31.42 will be if those limits are broken. 00:12:31.45\00:12:33.88 Healthy families have clear limits, set structure 00:12:33.91\00:12:38.31 and clear boundaries. 00:12:38.34\00:12:39.91 The children are not left to run wild or loose 00:12:39.94\00:12:46.37 and the boundaries are clear and well defined. 00:12:46.40\00:12:50.50 When you have well defined boundaries, 00:12:50.53\00:12:52.63 you have a orderly family. 00:12:52.66\00:12:54.68 You have a family that is growing healthy 00:12:54.71\00:12:57.78 because the rules are there, and they are governed by 00:12:57.81\00:13:00.28 those rules and they respect those rules. 00:13:00.31\00:13:02.06 The thing about that is it provides security. 00:13:02.09\00:13:04.93 Everyone knows, especially the children, they know exactly 00:13:04.96\00:13:08.49 what is necessary and what mommy or dad's 00:13:08.52\00:13:11.60 expectations are, and they live within the rules. 00:13:11.63\00:13:16.16 We are talking about healthy marriages. 00:13:16.19\00:13:20.27 Right now we are going to take a short break. 00:13:20.30\00:13:23.10 We'll be right back. 00:13:23.13\00:13:24.59 Don't go anywhere, because when we come back we're going to talk 00:13:24.62\00:13:27.65 about how to grow a healthy marriage. 00:13:27.68\00:13:31.36 You're gonna love this. 00:13:31.39\00:13:32.88 There are many how-to books available, but there is one 00:13:45.61\00:13:48.37 that's free and perfect for every couple. 00:13:48.40\00:13:50.89 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 00:13:50.92\00:13:53.52 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted 00:13:53.55\00:13:57.09 easy to read manner, for those contemplating marriage, 00:13:57.12\00:14:00.01 newlyweds, couples in their golden years 00:14:00.04\00:14:02.79 and everyone in between. 00:14:02.82\00:14:04.57 Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing 00:14:04.60\00:14:07.76 little booklet. 00:14:07.79\00:14:08.76 A handy little tool to help build a better marriage. 00:14:08.77\00:14:12.15 Welcome back to our program, Marriage in God's Hands. 00:14:21.15\00:14:25.98 We have been talking about healthy marriages. 00:14:26.01\00:14:30.50 June, share with our audience what we mean by differentiations 00:14:30.53\00:14:37.68 or levels of differentiation and the relationship with 00:14:37.71\00:14:40.77 healthy marriages. 00:14:40.80\00:14:42.30 One of the challenges that people often face 00:14:42.33\00:14:45.52 is the need to feel whole and to feel complete. 00:14:45.55\00:14:51.60 That in essence encapsulates the concept of differentiation; 00:14:51.63\00:14:57.75 the sense of being an individual. 00:14:57.78\00:15:00.08 The goal in a marriage is that each person will take 00:15:00.11\00:15:03.63 responsibility for himself, and work on the limitations 00:15:03.66\00:15:07.39 that they bring to the relationship. 00:15:07.42\00:15:09.04 So that they don't necessarily have to lean on the relationship 00:15:09.07\00:15:12.52 to feel complete and to feel like a human. 00:15:12.55\00:15:15.54 When an individual who's not yet married, 00:15:15.57\00:15:20.38 should they have this notion, this concept that 00:15:20.41\00:15:23.92 I'm going to get married to be happy. 00:15:23.95\00:15:26.69 I'm going to get married to be whole, to be complete. 00:15:26.72\00:15:30.78 That is correct. 00:15:30.81\00:15:32.59 The idea is if you're not happy within yourself. 00:15:32.62\00:15:37.51 You're not likely to be happy in your marriage. 00:15:37.54\00:15:40.25 Technically, what I'm hearing, you say, although you said 00:15:40.28\00:15:42.64 that is correct, what you mean is, we're going to be whole 00:15:42.67\00:15:46.44 as one, but we have to be differentiated as individuals 00:15:46.47\00:15:52.07 going into the marriage we have to be highly differentiated. 00:15:52.10\00:15:55.24 When two healthy people bring their best self 00:15:55.27\00:15:59.14 to the relationship then they can have that oneness they seek. 00:15:59.17\00:16:06.55 Accepting each other for who he is or she is, is important. 00:16:06.59\00:16:13.94 Talk to us about that concept. 00:16:14.27\00:16:16.32 We're talking about bringing your best self 00:16:16.35\00:16:18.41 to the relationship, and that's a work in progress. 00:16:18.44\00:16:21.27 Clearly the individual will have limitations, but each 00:16:21.30\00:16:25.87 spouse must be willing to accept this work in progress. 00:16:25.90\00:16:30.86 As they are growing towards that wholeness they will still be 00:16:30.89\00:16:35.26 comfortable with each other. 00:16:35.29\00:16:37.41 Sometimes we look for the weakness. 00:16:37.44\00:16:43.39 Early on we talked about accentuating the positive; 00:16:43.42\00:16:47.21 giving positive feedback. 00:16:47.24\00:16:48.74 What we want to mention here is the concept 00:16:48.77\00:16:52.07 of mentioning strengths. 00:16:52.10\00:16:55.32 In a healthy relationship look for the strength in your spouse 00:16:55.35\00:17:01.26 and mention it more than the weakness. 00:17:01.29\00:17:04.27 Often times we see the weakness, we feel the weakness, we pick 00:17:04.30\00:17:08.78 out the weakness and we elaborate on the weakness. 00:17:08.81\00:17:11.86 Yet so many strengths that are unnoticed, unmentioned 00:17:11.89\00:17:15.74 that would help to strengthen the relationship and to grow it. 00:17:15.77\00:17:19.20 I spoke to a woman once who told me that rarely does she hear 00:17:19.23\00:17:23.56 anything positive and that her husband really highlights the 00:17:23.59\00:17:28.74 contributions that she made to her relationship, but she hears 00:17:28.77\00:17:31.81 a lot of criticism about the things that she 00:17:31.84\00:17:34.80 doesn't do right. 00:17:34.83\00:17:36.24 There's something about the human spirit. 00:17:36.27\00:17:39.44 When, if you say something to me and tell me, how good I am, 00:17:39.47\00:17:44.92 or what skills I have or strengths I have in 00:17:44.95\00:17:49.71 the relationship. 00:17:49.74\00:17:50.95 It makes me feel good. 00:17:50.98\00:17:52.62 It makes me want to be that better person. 00:17:52.65\00:17:55.92 On the other hand, the limitations that you have, 00:17:55.95\00:17:59.43 I also need to be able to help you see that, but you need to 00:17:59.46\00:18:02.98 be able to receive that with kindness, so that you 00:18:03.01\00:18:06.22 can work at it and improve. 00:18:06.25\00:18:08.29 The key is how you say that limitation. 00:18:08.32\00:18:11.61 Often times we can say things but the way we say it 00:18:11.64\00:18:17.88 will determine the outcome. 00:18:17.91\00:18:19.62 We are encouraging you to focus on the strength 00:18:19.65\00:18:23.00 not the weakness. 00:18:23.03\00:18:24.34 Yes, there are times when you have to talk about the weakness 00:18:24.37\00:18:27.42 but remember, the way you talk about the weakness 00:18:27.45\00:18:30.35 will make a big difference in your marriage. 00:18:30.38\00:18:33.29 Family fun time-people rarely have time for fun these days. 00:18:33.32\00:18:38.84 In order to grow a healthy marriage we must take time 00:18:38.87\00:18:43.22 for some pleasure in the relationship. 00:18:43.25\00:18:45.47 That is true. 00:18:45.50\00:18:46.94 In one of my clinical sessions, I had a discussion with a father 00:18:46.97\00:18:53.34 who said he had very little, as a matter of fact, no time 00:18:53.37\00:18:57.43 for his son. 00:18:57.46\00:18:58.76 I gave him an assignment. 00:18:58.79\00:19:00.29 I asked him to take some time out during that week and go 00:19:00.32\00:19:04.86 and play with his boy. 00:19:04.89\00:19:06.80 It was amazing! 00:19:06.83\00:19:08.62 The following week, when they came back in session, how 00:19:08.65\00:19:12.06 the mother related to me the joy of the boy. 00:19:12.09\00:19:16.61 She related how he came in and was excited and telling 00:19:16.64\00:19:20.59 his mother all that daddy did. 00:19:20.62\00:19:23.26 He can catch the ball, he can hit the ball. 00:19:23.29\00:19:25.51 She said I've never seen him so excited. 00:19:25.54\00:19:28.24 That's what we are talking about. 00:19:28.27\00:19:29.49 Take time, make time. 00:19:29.52\00:19:30.65 As you cited that example, it reminds me of an advertisement 00:19:30.68\00:19:33.97 that I saw, where this woman, this mother, who is a 00:19:34.00\00:19:37.32 real estate agent is very successful in her trade. 00:19:37.35\00:19:40.79 That of course demanded much of her time. 00:19:40.82\00:19:44.09 Her little five year old daughter, on every demand, 00:19:44.12\00:19:47.81 was turned down. 00:19:47.84\00:19:49.12 She had no time to spend with her daughter. 00:19:49.15\00:19:51.34 On one occasion, her daughter asked, Mom can you accompany me 00:19:51.37\00:19:55.44 to some activity that she wanted her, and her mom had to cancel, 00:19:55.47\00:19:59.00 because she had an appointment with a client. 00:19:59.03\00:20:01.09 Her daughter turned to her mom and she said, Mom 00:20:01.12\00:20:04.16 how can I become a client? 00:20:04.19\00:20:06.09 That just broke my heart. 00:20:06.12\00:20:08.08 In essence, what her daughter was saying, was that her client 00:20:08.11\00:20:11.88 was getting a lot more of her time than she was. 00:20:11.91\00:20:16.74 Decision making-we're talking about growing healthy marriages. 00:20:16.77\00:20:22.39 One of the ways you can grow your marriage is to have 00:20:22.42\00:20:26.94 decisions being made on a democratic basis. 00:20:26.97\00:20:31.42 Talk to us on decisions being made in a democratic fashion. 00:20:31.45\00:20:36.32 The reality is in a family there are many people, 00:20:36.35\00:20:40.43 at least two people. 00:20:40.46\00:20:41.85 Sometimes three or four based on the amount of children 00:20:41.88\00:20:46.28 in that relationship. 00:20:46.31\00:20:47.79 Each person impacts the decision and should be considered 00:20:47.82\00:20:53.18 in the decisions. 00:20:53.21\00:20:54.26 Family members, in order to grow healthy relationships 00:20:54.29\00:20:58.15 really need to listen to each other, hear each other's ideas, 00:20:58.18\00:21:02.37 and ask for their opinion; their contribution to the decision. 00:21:02.40\00:21:05.12 That sometimes could impact more positively on the outcome. 00:21:05.15\00:21:10.01 You should not just bark out commands and impose commands. 00:21:10.04\00:21:16.27 We should listen and we should talk. 00:21:16.30\00:21:18.59 Staying totally committed to a relationship I think is a real 00:21:18.62\00:21:23.15 security in the relationship. 00:21:23.18\00:21:25.81 Knowing that I have knowledge of where we're going. 00:21:25.84\00:21:28.52 I am totally committed to this relationship. 00:21:28.55\00:21:31.10 Even if there is a challenge I am willing to find a solution, 00:21:31.13\00:21:35.74 but it's not my intent to walk away. 00:21:35.77\00:21:39.21 Knowing that I think really helps to provide security 00:21:39.24\00:21:42.96 in the relationship. 00:21:42.99\00:21:44.30 Many marriages are not growing simply because individuals 00:21:44.33\00:21:50.53 don't feel committed and secure in the relationship. 00:21:50.56\00:21:55.32 When we talk about being totally committed, 00:21:55.35\00:21:58.95 that means our entire being. 00:21:58.98\00:22:00.97 That's what God is talking about when he says 00:22:01.00\00:22:04.10 ...they two become one, that's total commitment. 00:22:04.13\00:22:07.24 One flesh... that's total commitment. 00:22:07.27\00:22:09.57 That's what God is expecting from each marriage. 00:22:09.60\00:22:12.56 It doesn't mean your marriage won't have challenges, 00:22:12.59\00:22:15.88 but when there are challenges, the goal is that we are working 00:22:15.91\00:22:21.33 to solve and resolve the problems 00:22:21.36\00:22:24.18 that confront the relationship. 00:22:24.21\00:22:25.75 Again, we are committed to make this work. 00:22:25.78\00:22:30.25 When each person, and the other members of the family, 00:22:30.28\00:22:33.41 get the idea that we're here to stay. 00:22:33.44\00:22:36.38 We're here to follow God's will. 00:22:36.41\00:22:38.26 We're here to commit to the longevity of this relationship. 00:22:38.29\00:22:41.43 Then we are likely to see positive results. 00:22:41.46\00:22:44.32 One of the complaints that I get from individuals 00:22:44.35\00:22:51.15 is their spouse does not show respect. 00:22:51.18\00:22:56.86 There is a lack of respect. 00:22:56.89\00:23:00.09 Talk to us about the level of disrespect in a relationship 00:23:00.12\00:23:03.95 and how that retards growth in a relationship. 00:23:03.98\00:23:06.87 I think it's human in general. 00:23:06.90\00:23:09.12 Anyone who is disrespected certainly will be offended. 00:23:09.15\00:23:14.20 In a relationship where love is supposed to be 00:23:14.23\00:23:18.20 a basic characteristic than disrespect should have no place. 00:23:18.23\00:23:24.56 Respect for ideas, respect for ideas and opinion, respect for 00:23:24.59\00:23:29.76 what you value... 00:23:29.79\00:23:31.09 Basically showing respect for each other. 00:23:31.12\00:23:34.07 This concept of living together means I have to value 00:23:34.10\00:23:40.89 and respect you as a person, and that's the least 00:23:40.92\00:23:43.93 you can do for me. 00:23:43.96\00:23:45.01 We keep talking about symbiosis. 00:23:45.04\00:23:47.18 That is the symbiotic relationship that God wants 00:23:47.21\00:23:50.00 us to have... respect for each other. 00:23:50.03\00:23:52.68 One other concept that I think is important is the notion of 00:23:52.71\00:23:56.69 providing for the family. 00:23:56.72\00:23:58.33 Ensuring that the family in order to grow have basic needs 00:23:58.36\00:24:02.61 and that these needs need to be catered to. 00:24:02.64\00:24:04.71 I find that many families are deprived of just the 00:24:04.74\00:24:08.79 basic essential and that to me is on some level 00:24:08.82\00:24:13.45 disrespecting the needs of your family. 00:24:13.48\00:24:15.75 Also, the problem solving skills of healthy marriages are good. 00:24:15.78\00:24:24.42 Problems ought to be dealt with as they come up. 00:24:24.45\00:24:28.54 Remember when we were doing that seminar somewhere, 00:24:28.57\00:24:33.33 in the question and answer period, a gentleman asked 00:24:33.36\00:24:37.24 how long after there's an argument should I make up 00:24:37.27\00:24:41.74 with my spouse? 00:24:41.77\00:24:42.74 I said the Bible says you should not allow the sun to go down 00:24:42.75\00:24:47.01 on your wrath. 00:24:47.04\00:24:48.01 He said, I know that but how long? 00:24:48.02\00:24:49.78 Before I could answer the wife responded, Tell him. 00:24:49.81\00:24:53.59 My husband takes a long time. 00:24:53.62\00:24:56.59 He responded, When I have a problem I need at least 00:24:56.62\00:25:01.12 two weeks before I settle down to talk to my wife again. 00:25:01.15\00:25:04.81 That's too long. 00:25:04.84\00:25:06.02 That is not a healthy thing to do at all. 00:25:06.05\00:25:08.93 As the Bible says, we ought to solve or fix our problems 00:25:08.96\00:25:12.08 and try to resolve it as quickly as we can. 00:25:12.11\00:25:15.09 The goal is to keep our marriages together. 00:25:15.12\00:25:17.83 How about willing to say, I'm sorry. 00:25:17.86\00:25:19.69 That is such a difficult thing for some people to do. 00:25:19.72\00:25:22.43 Yes, it is a very easy thing to do when you understand 00:25:22.46\00:25:26.53 the consequences of the injury that occurs when you hurt 00:25:26.56\00:25:31.14 each other. 00:25:31.17\00:25:32.14 So having the willingness to say Honey I'm sorry and mean it. 00:25:32.15\00:25:35.51 We should tell our listeners to grow a healthy family 00:25:35.54\00:25:40.83 avoid arguing in front of the children. 00:25:40.86\00:25:44.01 Sometimes we have this lack of impulse control 00:25:44.05\00:25:47.24 and we keep doing it. 00:25:47.27\00:25:48.46 We cannot afford to argue in front of the children. 00:25:48.50\00:25:51.58 It also allows the children to feel insecure, 00:25:51.61\00:25:55.69 and to feel unsafe. 00:25:55.72\00:25:57.24 In their world, Mom and Dad provide that nurturing 00:25:57.28\00:26:01.77 that nest. 00:26:01.80\00:26:02.77 If they get the notion that these two adults are going 00:26:02.78\00:26:05.41 at each other and are likely to run away from each other 00:26:05.45\00:26:08.12 then they are not sure where their lives are going. 00:26:08.15\00:26:11.34 Above anything else that we could say, in growing 00:26:11.37\00:26:14.49 a healthy relationship would be have meaningful family worship. 00:26:14.52\00:26:19.87 We cannot afford to be too busy or too tired, whatever it is. 00:26:19.91\00:26:25.23 We need to have family worship to grow the spirituality 00:26:25.26\00:26:32.21 of that relationship. 00:26:32.25\00:26:33.52 I think that is paramount. 00:26:33.55\00:26:34.98 Christ needs to be in the center of our homes. 00:26:35.01\00:26:38.70 The family altar must be erected. 00:26:38.74\00:26:42.00 Children must value the spiritual values we espouse. 00:26:42.04\00:26:47.33 We ought to ensure our little nest, our home, 00:26:47.37\00:26:51.78 is a little heaven on earth. 00:26:51.82\00:26:53.93 The challenge for parents is to be like Joshua. 00:26:53.96\00:26:57.85 It is our God given responsibility to command our 00:26:57.89\00:27:01.74 whole soul after righteousness. 00:27:01.78\00:27:03.95 Like Joshua said, As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. 00:27:03.99\00:27:08.79 In this day and age which we are living what better admonition 00:27:08.83\00:27:13.60 can we make, can we declare to our families the notion 00:27:13.63\00:27:17.01 that we will serve the Lord despite what's going on. 00:27:17.05\00:27:20.14 We will serve the Lord, despite what is happening. 00:27:20.17\00:27:23.14 This family, we're committed to serve the Lord. 00:27:23.18\00:27:26.62 That's the greatest asset in growing a family. 00:27:26.65\00:27:30.05 In God's Grace. 00:27:30.09\00:27:32.06 Let us pray, Father God we thank you for your love, 00:27:32.10\00:27:36.89 and we thank you for the families you have given us. 00:27:36.93\00:27:41.66 We ask for your strength, for your mercy, and your grace. 00:27:41.69\00:27:45.23 In Jesus' name, amen. 00:27:45.26\00:27:47.96