Participants: Willie and Wilma Lee
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000036
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Lee, your host, and our co-host for the day 00:36 is Wilma Lee. 00:38 Welcome. Today we get to talk about an exciting topic: 00:42 marriage and children. 00:44 And we have had plenty of experience with that, 00:46 have we not? Enough! 00:48 Enough. Well, let's have a word of prayer before we begin. 00:52 Dear Lord. Thank you so much for blessing our marriage 00:57 with children. And we pray, dear Lord, that those who are 01:02 watching and those who are experiencing children will also 01:06 gain from our talk today from Your Word. 01:11 Since children are a gift from You, Lord, 01:14 we know that You are interested in this topic. 01:17 Please bless us as we discuss it. 01:19 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 01:24 Well, the Bible is very clear from the very beginning 01:30 when God told Adam and Eve 01:32 to be fruitful and multiply. 01:34 And they produced 01:36 after their kind. 01:38 And, of course, immediately after sin there were 01:42 difficulties with their children. 01:45 And not both of their children but one in particular 01:50 that was mentioned. And we have a 01:55 situation in which children today are very much a part of 02:00 the landscape of family. 02:03 In fact, they center on families. 02:05 And children are the center of all of those types 02:09 of situations. 02:10 Well, I think that children are a challenge, but 02:14 I think children are also 02:15 one of the reasons parents stay 02:17 on their knees. That's true. 02:20 Children will keep you on your knees, won't they? 02:22 HELP, LORD, PLEASE! 02:25 But the Psalmist says something that's very special, 02:27 and we want to share that from God's Word. 02:30 Psalm 127, verses 3 through 5, reads: 02:34 "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward 02:37 from Him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows 02:41 in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man 02:46 whose quiver is full of them. " 02:50 Um-hmm. "He will not be put to shame when he confronts 02:54 his accusers at the city gates. " 02:57 So, children have been provided for the family to be able to 03:04 grow and to develop and to once again 03:08 give an indication of what the image of God is 03:11 and to help restore that image - even in the growth and 03:15 development of children. 03:16 Well, I think that it is a blessing 03:20 to realize that the God who created us, 03:23 who formed us and continues to work with us 03:27 as we grow and develop, feels that He can entrust us 03:31 with children to train up and nurture for Him. 03:35 And I'm always surprised that He would do that. 03:39 Of course, there would be those who would want to shoo children 03:44 away even as the disciples thought Jesus did not want 03:46 to be bothered with children. 03:48 But children found Jesus attractive, 03:51 and they warmed to Him just seeing Him around 03:55 and knowing Him. They could sense... 03:57 and children have that sense... that He was someone 04:00 who cared about them. And He spoke about that 04:03 different times: in Matthew the 18th chapter verse 3 04:07 and in Mark 9, verses 37 and 42. 04:11 Jesus couches remarks around children as a part of whom 04:17 He wanted to be a part of and whom He thought would be 04:20 a good representation of God's kingdom. 04:23 Well, I just can imagine Jesus having children on His lap 04:26 climbing around Him, and I just think that that's 04:32 wonderful because - you know, it didn't seem to perturb Him 04:37 that children probably weren't as clean and as tidy 04:42 as they ought to be. But that didn't bother them, 04:45 and the fact that children thought that that was OK... 04:48 that He was an OK person to come to... 04:50 makes me love Jesus even more. 04:54 Because children know people that are welcoming 04:59 and are safe to come to, and they knew that Jesus 05:04 was that type of person. 05:05 I guess we have to talk about that because even though we use 05:08 the word clean as they ought to be, 05:10 children are children, aren't they? 05:13 And they haven't changed from generation to generation 05:17 as younger children are still a bundle of energy and joy. 05:22 But that energy has an effect upon marriage - 05:27 yes - because that energy can be directed any which way 05:32 and it can cause a marriage to have to reorder itself 05:38 when children come along. Yes! So, we are here to talk 05:43 about the effect of children on a marriage. Now, I'm sure 05:45 many of you could probably tell us about children in marriage. 05:51 But we want to be able to share this because there are many 05:55 who don't know what is acceptable, 05:58 what is not acceptable, and don't understand that many 06:01 of the things that they are feeling and experiencing 06:04 in marriage today are a direct result of having to 06:08 make a place for the children in their relationship 06:13 but yet without destroying the growth of the marriage 06:18 relationship. Well, I think one of the first things 06:21 that happens - you talk about energy - is that parents run out 06:25 of energy because children have this strange thing 06:29 about their clock: it doesn't match adult clocks. 06:33 So, people don't get sleep. 06:35 That's the first thing that happens! 06:38 And therefore your energy is kind of diluted. 06:43 And the thing that I notice now... 06:45 well, even back when we had children and I was not working 06:50 outside the home... you know, I really need my sleep. 06:53 I need my 8 hours, and our children didn't understand that 06:57 real well. And so when they woke up in the middle of the night, 07:02 it was really difficult for me 07:04 because I didn't understand why somebody would want to 07:08 interrupt my sleep. Well, that's before you understood 07:12 that children are blessed... are a blessing from the Lord. 07:17 And when they - yes - are a blessing from the Lord, 07:20 then you have to reorder your life around them 07:24 and still get the appropriate amount of rest. Yes. 07:26 So it takes that reordering to have that happen. 07:30 But more than that, the Bible also gives some injunctions 07:35 about raising children. When you look into Ephesians 07:38 the 6th chapter, it talks about the possibility 07:42 that, if you're not careful, you might even abuse children 07:46 or you might treat them in ways that are abusive or not healthy 07:51 in the relationship. And as we deal with the 07:56 marriage situation, there are many different systems 08:00 at work in a marriage. 08:03 And a lot of times we don't understand that those systems 08:07 are at work. Those are family systems that have sub-systems 08:11 in them. And children are a sub-system all their own. 08:17 But we also have our parents 08:21 who are the family of origin of the husband, 08:25 the family of origin of the wife... 08:26 and they love their grandchildren. 08:30 Oh, yes. Isn't it interesting how the parents that raised you 08:34 are not who the grandparents are? 08:37 In fact, you wonder who these 08:39 people are who suddenly become 08:41 grandparents because it's like they've lost their minds. 08:45 They do strange things when they become grandparents. 08:48 Things they never did when you were a child in their house! 08:51 Right! But now that they're grandparents, 08:53 nothing is too much or too good for their grandchildren. 08:58 Oh, my goodness! I think we were fortunate that neither set 09:01 of grandparents lived in town because it was enough 09:06 when they came to visit. 09:09 Yeah, visiting grandparents who leave and then you have to 09:14 pick up behind them and bring things back to normal. 09:18 Or, if things were normal when they came... 09:21 You know, even in Ephesians 6:4 it tells us that 09:25 we do have a responsibility. In verse 4: 09:29 "Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. 09:32 Rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction 09:36 approved by the Lord. " So, the marriage means that 09:41 there must be planning and there must be a disciplinary system. 09:46 And often times, because we came from different homes 09:52 where the systems were different, there is at least 09:57 two different ways of discipline that our marriage must begin 10:02 to talk about and activate. 10:04 And that's where the difficulty comes. 10:07 There's your way, and then there's my way. 10:11 But somehow we should understand that we have that challenge 10:15 and develop our own way according to God's Word. 10:20 And then when you add multiple children - um hmm - 10:23 with their own personalities and temperaments, 10:26 and you find out that discipline can't be a one-size-fits-all, 10:30 then you really have challenges when you talk about parenting 10:34 children because, you know, unfortunately nobody gives you 10:39 an instruction for how to raise children. 10:44 Well, without getting into the parenting, 10:45 this is a source 10:49 of some conflict... 10:52 yes... in the marriage. 10:54 And that's one reason why we highly recommend 10:58 along with most who are Christian leaders and counselors 11:02 that there be pre-marital sessions between a prospective 11:07 husband and wife. Because all these discussions and all these 11:11 types of things should have some place that they have developed 11:17 as a comfort zone. As a place where when you get to have 11:21 children you have already begun to discuss how you would like 11:25 to discipline those children. What was it like in your house? 11:28 What is it like in our house of origin? My house of origin? 11:33 And then decide now that we are together, are we going to 11:36 create like yours? Like mine? Or somewhere in between? 11:40 Or something totally different 11:42 based upon our understanding of God's Word? 11:44 So, as a couple... there's a challenge. 11:48 And that challenge is under- standing how we're not going to 11:51 allow the children to divide us. 11:53 Well, I think it's even more primary than that 11:57 because, you know, some couples come up to this discussion 12:00 and find that one didn't even plan to have children. 12:04 Oh, my! And then there is a big challenge because 12:09 now we're expecting a child and somebody's really not happy. 12:15 And think about the challenge that is to a marriage. 12:19 So, we've got a couple of layers here, don't we? 12:22 Yes. We've got the expectation of children 12:25 and then maybe one wasn't ready for them then. 12:30 Um-hmm. OK. Because I'm hoping that if there was a decision 12:34 not to have children at all that certainly that was expressed 12:38 and there were plans made to make sure that you followed 12:42 through with that. But, let's say that for some reason 12:46 there was not the kind of discussion about how 12:51 the children were planned... how they were going to be spaced... 12:53 How it's going to affect the marriage. 12:55 How it's going to affect the work, the income. 12:57 All of these are issues that you have gone through 13:01 in your marriage, I'm sure. And many of you could tell us 13:05 many good stories, and some of us can tell horror stories 13:09 about what happened. But, these are necessary things - 13:12 that's right - because children are a blessing. 13:14 But in order to continue to be a blessing, 13:16 we must follow God's plan. 13:19 So, when we come back we will talk a little bit more about 13:22 that and other areas where children bring special needs 13:27 into the development of the marriage. 13:38 There are many how-to books available, 13:41 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:44 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:46 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:50 easy-to-read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:56 and everyone in between. 13:58 Simply call or write for your 13:59 free copy of this amazing little booklet. 14:02 A handy little tool 14:03 to help build a better marriage. 14:16 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:18 We have been actively discussing 14:21 some things even while we were 14:22 away on break because 14:24 this gets to be pretty exciting 14:27 when we are talking about the different modes of married life 14:32 that will emerge when children come that you did not plan on. 14:38 And things begin to happen... and, if you don't follow a plan, 14:42 it will disrupt a marriage. 14:45 And it can cause a lot of conflict and dissention 14:49 in the home. And that's not what you want to create. 14:52 That's not the environment 14:54 that we need to create for our children. 14:56 Well, one of the things you do 14:58 know when you have children... 14:59 Even though you have a plan, 15:01 things never go as you 15:03 planned them because with children... 15:07 You know, I can think of some of the Sabbaths we got ready to go 15:10 to church and everybody would be dressed, clean. 15:13 And you would pick up this child put it over your shoulder 15:16 and... oops! That would mean starting all over again. 15:21 So things never went exactly as planned. 15:24 So you learn a lot about flexibility with children. 15:29 All right. So we are talking about exercising some of the 15:32 same values that create a good environment for growth 15:38 and development of a marriage: humor, 15:42 um-hmm, flexibility, um-hmm, right. Commitment! 15:45 Time. Time! All those things you have to go through again 15:49 now with children. Definitely. 15:52 Because they are part of the picture, and it becomes 15:55 even more critical that you keep the principles 15:58 involved because the plans WILL change. 16:02 For certain and for sure you know your plans will change. 16:07 But the one thing we do know is that the kind of environment 16:10 that you set up in your marriage is going to be a culture 16:16 that is going to instruct your children... 16:20 hmmm... of how to deal with various areas of life 16:23 including spirituality 16:27 and having God as the leader of the home. 16:31 And having an environment that's safe. 16:35 Because the parents have talked about this and because 16:40 you have created a safe environment for each other 16:43 in your communication and a place to be heard 16:47 and to be listened to and to be accepted unconditionally. 16:52 That same environment also has an effect on your children. 16:55 It's interesting that you would choose the word culture - 16:59 um-hmm - for your home, but I think that you are right 17:03 about what happens because then your children have expectations 17:09 and they think that's the way the world is because 17:12 that's the way their home is. 17:15 Yes. And there is no getting around it. 17:18 You cannot not have a culture. 17:22 If you understand what I'm saying? Yes! 17:24 Even if you choose not to have a culture, that is a culture. 17:28 A non-culture is a culture... yes... 17:31 you create an absence of something - that's right - 17:35 and what we are talking about is creating a positive whole 17:39 for that child because that is the responsibility 17:44 given to the marriage. That's right. 17:46 And that is helping to bring up children in the fear and the 17:51 admonition of God. 17:53 You've got a scripture that you - yes - can share with us. 17:55 Ephesians 5:1-2 from The Message says: 17:58 "Watch what God does and then YOU do it... 18:02 like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. 18:05 Mostly what God does is love you. 18:09 Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. 18:12 Observe how Christ loved us. 18:15 His love was not cautious but extravagant. 18:19 He didn't love in order to get something from us 18:22 but to give everything of Himself to us. 18:26 Love like that. " 18:28 That last phrase sort of sums it up, doesn't it? 18:32 Yes. And yet at the same time, 18:36 that sum we don't often arrive at in a marriage. 18:41 A lot of times in this generation and maybe in previous 18:45 generations too it just didn't seem like it to us, but 18:49 in this generation there is a tendency 18:53 for a parent or a husband or wife 18:58 to use a child for their own needs. 19:01 Well, I think probably it was in previous generations 19:06 because it was about appearances. OK. 19:10 What would people think? Um-hmm. But I guess I just like 19:15 the fact that God loves extravagantly. All right. 19:20 And I'm back to my theme again about saving things 19:25 for good and that we can't do that with people we love. 19:30 We must love extravagantly. 19:33 And we must love that way every day 19:36 because tomorrow's not promised. 19:38 And so with our spouses, with our children, 19:41 we must love extravagantly 19:44 because this is the day that we have. 19:47 And so we don't withhold our love. 19:50 We don't withhold our affirmations... 19:52 because this is the day we have. 19:56 So that cycles right back into what we initially said, 20:00 and that is that children are placed here for the benefit 20:04 of the glory of God. Which means that they're not really here to 20:09 fulfill our unfulfilled needs. 20:12 And if we have acted upon our love 20:17 with our spouse and we have created a safe place, 20:21 we have created a fullness of extravagant love for our spouse, 20:25 then what is there to need in which we use children 20:29 to get our needs rather than share love with each other. 20:33 And that love overflows into our children's lives 20:36 and teaches them how to love. 20:38 And if we have rejoiced in our uniqueness 20:42 and we have developed the gifts that God has given us, 20:45 then again our children will learn how to model 20:49 and develop their unique gifts and talents and abilities. 20:54 We won't need then to look at what might have been 20:59 in our lives. Um-hmm. We will encourage our children, 21:02 then, the develop the gifts and talents that God has given them. 21:05 And we will rejoice in their uniqueness. 21:09 In other words, you are saying: "I didn't get to do that 21:11 so you are going to do this as my child. " 21:13 No. We don't have to do that - no - if we allow that 21:17 to take place in our marriage and we have supported 21:20 one another - that's right - to be all that we can be in Christ. 21:23 Then our children will be able to catch that same value 21:29 in the spiritual culture of our home. Exactly. 21:33 And we will rejoice when they 21:35 look at who they are in Christ - 21:37 um-hmm - and develop those 21:39 same talents and gifts that 21:41 are given to them in Christ. 21:43 And we will encourage them to be 21:45 all that Christ would have them be. 21:47 OK. That is a positive! 21:50 Now, we are dealing with more than just a family... 21:56 natural family... order when we deal with this world. 21:59 There is brokenness in this world, and some of you may have 22:02 experienced that. And there are 22:04 step families. There are what we 22:07 call blended families. 22:09 Sometimes they don't blend 22:10 so well... so they still feel like step families. 22:14 But, that being said, 22:18 what kind of help and assistance can we give families 22:22 who are trying to put together two different family systems? 22:27 Because now there's a new marriage and the children 22:30 are being brought together. How can we protect 22:33 this new marriage in the Lord? 22:36 We hope by God's blessing they have become remarried 22:41 because of the brokenness of the previous relationships. 22:44 But now there is a determination to follow God. 22:47 How can we help them to establish that blended family 22:50 situation? Well I think first of all, we have to start with 22:53 forgiveness. Somebody's got to be willing to say 22:57 "It may not have started right, but this is our new page. 23:01 This is where we start today. And from this day, 23:06 we have determined this is what we will do. " 23:09 Joshua said: "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. " 23:14 So any day you determine and covenant that this is what 23:18 you are going to do, the Lord will bless that day. 23:21 And because you have determined with a spirit of forgiveness 23:27 this is what your family is going to do, then if you 23:31 make a mistake the next day, you already know what to do. 23:35 This is how we forgive. 23:37 OK. So the attitude... the culture... 23:40 is one of forgiveness. 23:42 And that's easier than thinking that you are on pins and needles 23:46 and if you have children in the home that are not your 23:52 biological children, the problems of discipline 23:56 and parenting that are very difficult now 23:58 because it's a new home... there is a new parent here... 24:03 and ultimately that's all going to go right back up 24:06 to that new relationship that is a marriage relationship... 24:10 and this creates tension and conflict. So if you establish 24:13 Christ culture. If you establish Christ's spirit in your home, 24:19 the spirit of forgiveness and of helping to grow and develop 24:23 the new marriage and thereby the new family with the new 24:28 children, the tensions will be eased and a lot easier 24:32 to get through. Well, I think also, this 24:35 is a time when if there was ever a time or a need for 24:39 communication... OK. If there was ever a time 24:42 for being able to dialogue openly and honestly, 24:46 this would be the time. Because if people are wondering 24:51 or assuming or thinking... OR GUESSING, 24:55 then you've really got a problem because you can't have 24:59 a healthy marriage or a healthy family if people aren't telling 25:04 what they're really feeling. 25:06 OK. So, this is then making what we have already established 25:11 as a base. And that is: healthy communication and dialogue 25:16 in the marriage. This is one time 25:19 that you really can't pass that up. 25:21 Not at all. You may not get a second chance 25:23 because it will create such a difficult time for everybody 25:27 that it will destroy the marriage and the relationship. 25:31 So, children can be a blessing and they are a blessing 25:35 if you have followed God's plan. 25:38 And forgiveness is there when you happen to misstep 25:42 and get out of the plan. But don't you think that 25:45 one of the real major things is making sure that everyone in 25:49 in that family, underneath that marriage, 25:52 is learning about Jesus on a daily basis and that they 25:56 develop their own lives? Well, the only way children will 25:59 learn about Jesus is seeing their parents. 26:02 And one of the most powerful ways children learn is 26:06 for parents, when they are wrong, is for parents to 26:09 apologize to their children and say: "I'm sorry. " 26:12 OK. And that helps them to learn about forgiveness, doesn't it? 26:16 And that's the bedrock of foundation for a Christian home. 26:21 The grace of God for forgiveness through the blood of Jesus 26:23 Christ. You know, that's something we need to pray about 26:26 before we go today. 26:28 Dear Lord, there's not enough time in this day 26:31 or in this program to speak of every situation. 26:35 But, dear Lord, we are so thankful that Your Holy Spirit 26:39 can be everywhere and can be available for all families, 26:43 for all marriages. So please bless each one 26:48 that they might receive and hear Your voice. 26:51 Thank you, Lord, for trusting us with children. 26:55 We know that we can only raise them through Your power 26:58 and Your grace... and Your forgiveness. 27:01 So thank You for sending us the Holy Spirit. 27:04 In the lovely name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 27:09 Even as we have had our discussions, 27:12 we have to thank you for being there and for 27:17 praying us through because certainly we want your marriages 27:21 to be in God's hands even as we have appreciated and grown 27:26 and developed our marriage to this point through 27:28 God's hands. And we are looking forward to some more 27:32 important times together. 27:33 We hope that you have received a blessing today 27:36 and that your children who have been sent and provided from 27:40 the Lord will be a blessing to your marriage 27:43 and your marriage to them. |
Revised 2014-12-17