Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands. 00:00:29.69\00:00:32.64 I'm Willie Lee, your host, and our co-host for the day 00:00:32.85\00:00:36.80 is Wilma Lee. 00:00:36.91\00:00:38.81 Welcome. Today we get to talk about an exciting topic: 00:00:38.91\00:00:42.33 marriage and children. 00:00:42.43\00:00:44.08 And we have had plenty of experience with that, 00:00:44.28\00:00:46.42 have we not? Enough! 00:00:46.52\00:00:48.29 Enough. Well, let's have a word of prayer before we begin. 00:00:48.49\00:00:52.23 Dear Lord. Thank you so much for blessing our marriage 00:00:52.44\00:00:57.72 with children. And we pray, dear Lord, that those who are 00:00:57.82\00:01:01.91 watching and those who are experiencing children will also 00:01:02.01\00:01:06.86 gain from our talk today from Your Word. 00:01:06.96\00:01:11.45 Since children are a gift from You, Lord, 00:01:11.66\00:01:14.18 we know that You are interested in this topic. 00:01:14.28\00:01:17.18 Please bless us as we discuss it. 00:01:17.38\00:01:19.43 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 00:01:19.53\00:01:23.07 Well, the Bible is very clear from the very beginning 00:01:24.28\00:01:30.22 when God told Adam and Eve 00:01:30.32\00:01:32.07 to be fruitful and multiply. 00:01:32.17\00:01:34.00 And they produced 00:01:34.10\00:01:36.78 after their kind. 00:01:36.88\00:01:38.19 And, of course, immediately after sin there were 00:01:38.40\00:01:42.13 difficulties with their children. 00:01:42.23\00:01:45.08 And not both of their children but one in particular 00:01:45.28\00:01:49.99 that was mentioned. And we have a 00:01:50.09\00:01:55.12 situation in which children today are very much a part of 00:01:55.22\00:02:00.86 the landscape of family. 00:02:00.96\00:02:02.83 In fact, they center on families. 00:02:03.03\00:02:05.20 And children are the center of all of those types 00:02:05.40\00:02:09.04 of situations. 00:02:09.14\00:02:10.71 Well, I think that children are a challenge, but 00:02:10.91\00:02:14.22 I think children are also 00:02:14.32\00:02:15.86 one of the reasons parents stay 00:02:15.96\00:02:17.73 on their knees. That's true. 00:02:17.83\00:02:20.12 Children will keep you on your knees, won't they? 00:02:20.52\00:02:22.67 HELP, LORD, PLEASE! 00:02:22.77\00:02:24.80 But the Psalmist says something that's very special, 00:02:25.00\00:02:27.84 and we want to share that from God's Word. 00:02:27.94\00:02:29.93 Psalm 127, verses 3 through 5, reads: 00:02:30.13\00:02:34.33 "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward 00:02:34.43\00:02:37.59 from Him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows 00:02:37.69\00:02:41.54 in a warrior's hands. How happy is the man 00:02:41.64\00:02:46.39 whose quiver is full of them. " 00:02:46.49\00:02:49.84 Um-hmm. "He will not be put to shame when he confronts 00:02:50.04\00:02:54.39 his accusers at the city gates. " 00:02:54.49\00:02:57.43 So, children have been provided for the family to be able to 00:02:57.63\00:03:04.08 grow and to develop and to once again 00:03:04.21\00:03:07.98 give an indication of what the image of God is 00:03:08.08\00:03:11.70 and to help restore that image - even in the growth and 00:03:11.80\00:03:14.92 development of children. 00:03:15.02\00:03:16.16 Well, I think that it is a blessing 00:03:16.46\00:03:20.24 to realize that the God who created us, 00:03:20.34\00:03:23.82 who formed us and continues to work with us 00:03:23.92\00:03:27.42 as we grow and develop, feels that He can entrust us 00:03:27.59\00:03:31.41 with children to train up and nurture for Him. 00:03:31.54\00:03:35.18 And I'm always surprised that He would do that. 00:03:35.38\00:03:39.03 Of course, there would be those who would want to shoo children 00:03:39.33\00:03:44.12 away even as the disciples thought Jesus did not want 00:03:44.22\00:03:46.54 to be bothered with children. 00:03:46.65\00:03:47.96 But children found Jesus attractive, 00:03:48.16\00:03:51.05 and they warmed to Him just seeing Him around 00:03:51.15\00:03:55.19 and knowing Him. They could sense... 00:03:55.29\00:03:57.49 and children have that sense... that He was someone 00:03:57.69\00:04:00.12 who cared about them. And He spoke about that 00:04:00.22\00:04:03.60 different times: in Matthew the 18th chapter verse 3 00:04:03.70\00:04:07.52 and in Mark 9, verses 37 and 42. 00:04:07.62\00:04:11.00 Jesus couches remarks around children as a part of whom 00:04:11.20\00:04:16.90 He wanted to be a part of and whom He thought would be 00:04:17.01\00:04:19.91 a good representation of God's kingdom. 00:04:20.02\00:04:22.85 Well, I just can imagine Jesus having children on His lap 00:04:23.05\00:04:26.85 climbing around Him, and I just think that that's 00:04:26.96\00:04:32.74 wonderful because - you know, it didn't seem to perturb Him 00:04:32.85\00:04:37.36 that children probably weren't as clean and as tidy 00:04:37.46\00:04:42.00 as they ought to be. But that didn't bother them, 00:04:42.10\00:04:45.31 and the fact that children thought that that was OK... 00:04:45.41\00:04:48.33 that He was an OK person to come to... 00:04:48.44\00:04:50.84 makes me love Jesus even more. 00:04:50.94\00:04:54.48 Because children know people that are welcoming 00:04:54.68\00:04:59.18 and are safe to come to, and they knew that Jesus 00:04:59.29\00:05:04.01 was that type of person. 00:05:04.11\00:05:05.52 I guess we have to talk about that because even though we use 00:05:05.73\00:05:08.54 the word clean as they ought to be, 00:05:08.64\00:05:10.47 children are children, aren't they? 00:05:10.57\00:05:12.96 And they haven't changed from generation to generation 00:05:13.17\00:05:17.07 as younger children are still a bundle of energy and joy. 00:05:17.27\00:05:22.34 But that energy has an effect upon marriage - 00:05:22.54\00:05:27.39 yes - because that energy can be directed any which way 00:05:27.59\00:05:32.21 and it can cause a marriage to have to reorder itself 00:05:32.61\00:05:38.54 when children come along. Yes! So, we are here to talk 00:05:38.64\00:05:43.00 about the effect of children on a marriage. Now, I'm sure 00:05:43.10\00:05:45.63 many of you could probably tell us about children in marriage. 00:05:45.73\00:05:51.01 But we want to be able to share this because there are many 00:05:51.21\00:05:55.53 who don't know what is acceptable, 00:05:55.63\00:05:58.58 what is not acceptable, and don't understand that many 00:05:58.68\00:06:01.78 of the things that they are feeling and experiencing 00:06:01.88\00:06:04.19 in marriage today are a direct result of having to 00:06:04.29\00:06:08.68 make a place for the children in their relationship 00:06:08.88\00:06:13.75 but yet without destroying the growth of the marriage 00:06:13.95\00:06:18.63 relationship. Well, I think one of the first things 00:06:18.73\00:06:21.19 that happens - you talk about energy - is that parents run out 00:06:21.29\00:06:25.62 of energy because children have this strange thing 00:06:25.72\00:06:29.77 about their clock: it doesn't match adult clocks. 00:06:29.88\00:06:33.15 So, people don't get sleep. 00:06:33.35\00:06:35.59 That's the first thing that happens! 00:06:35.79\00:06:38.68 And therefore your energy is kind of diluted. 00:06:38.79\00:06:43.14 And the thing that I notice now... 00:06:43.24\00:06:45.35 well, even back when we had children and I was not working 00:06:45.45\00:06:49.92 outside the home... you know, I really need my sleep. 00:06:50.02\00:06:53.47 I need my 8 hours, and our children didn't understand that 00:06:53.57\00:06:57.51 real well. And so when they woke up in the middle of the night, 00:06:57.61\00:07:02.58 it was really difficult for me 00:07:02.68\00:07:04.71 because I didn't understand why somebody would want to 00:07:04.81\00:07:07.91 interrupt my sleep. Well, that's before you understood 00:07:08.01\00:07:12.54 that children are blessed... are a blessing from the Lord. 00:07:12.64\00:07:17.47 And when they - yes - are a blessing from the Lord, 00:07:17.77\00:07:20.02 then you have to reorder your life around them 00:07:20.12\00:07:24.28 and still get the appropriate amount of rest. Yes. 00:07:24.38\00:07:26.70 So it takes that reordering to have that happen. 00:07:26.90\00:07:30.47 But more than that, the Bible also gives some injunctions 00:07:30.67\00:07:35.29 about raising children. When you look into Ephesians 00:07:35.39\00:07:38.53 the 6th chapter, it talks about the possibility 00:07:38.63\00:07:42.71 that, if you're not careful, you might even abuse children 00:07:42.81\00:07:46.48 or you might treat them in ways that are abusive or not healthy 00:07:46.58\00:07:51.20 in the relationship. And as we deal with the 00:07:51.30\00:07:56.30 marriage situation, there are many different systems 00:07:56.40\00:08:00.03 at work in a marriage. 00:08:00.13\00:08:02.80 And a lot of times we don't understand that those systems 00:08:03.00\00:08:06.94 are at work. Those are family systems that have sub-systems 00:08:07.04\00:08:11.80 in them. And children are a sub-system all their own. 00:08:11.91\00:08:17.64 But we also have our parents 00:08:17.84\00:08:21.74 who are the family of origin of the husband, 00:08:21.84\00:08:24.92 the family of origin of the wife... 00:08:25.02\00:08:26.34 and they love their grandchildren. 00:08:26.54\00:08:30.14 Oh, yes. Isn't it interesting how the parents that raised you 00:08:30.34\00:08:34.55 are not who the grandparents are? 00:08:34.65\00:08:37.50 In fact, you wonder who these 00:08:37.60\00:08:38.95 people are who suddenly become 00:08:39.05\00:08:41.26 grandparents because it's like they've lost their minds. 00:08:41.36\00:08:45.08 They do strange things when they become grandparents. 00:08:45.19\00:08:48.02 Things they never did when you were a child in their house! 00:08:48.22\00:08:50.96 Right! But now that they're grandparents, 00:08:51.16\00:08:53.38 nothing is too much or too good for their grandchildren. 00:08:53.48\00:08:57.90 Oh, my goodness! I think we were fortunate that neither set 00:08:58.00\00:09:01.60 of grandparents lived in town because it was enough 00:09:01.70\00:09:06.19 when they came to visit. 00:09:06.29\00:09:08.00 Yeah, visiting grandparents who leave and then you have to 00:09:09.68\00:09:14.68 pick up behind them and bring things back to normal. 00:09:14.78\00:09:18.21 Or, if things were normal when they came... 00:09:18.41\00:09:21.66 You know, even in Ephesians 6:4 it tells us that 00:09:21.87\00:09:25.48 we do have a responsibility. In verse 4: 00:09:25.58\00:09:29.13 "Don't make your children angry by the way you treat them. 00:09:29.23\00:09:32.38 Rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction 00:09:32.48\00:09:36.07 approved by the Lord. " So, the marriage means that 00:09:36.17\00:09:41.69 there must be planning and there must be a disciplinary system. 00:09:41.79\00:09:46.58 And often times, because we came from different homes 00:09:46.68\00:09:52.66 where the systems were different, there is at least 00:09:52.76\00:09:57.50 two different ways of discipline that our marriage must begin 00:09:57.60\00:10:02.70 to talk about and activate. 00:10:02.80\00:10:04.78 And that's where the difficulty comes. 00:10:04.98\00:10:07.43 There's your way, and then there's my way. 00:10:07.63\00:10:11.02 But somehow we should understand that we have that challenge 00:10:11.22\00:10:15.30 and develop our own way according to God's Word. 00:10:15.40\00:10:20.20 And then when you add multiple children - um hmm - 00:10:20.40\00:10:23.41 with their own personalities and temperaments, 00:10:23.51\00:10:26.11 and you find out that discipline can't be a one-size-fits-all, 00:10:26.21\00:10:30.82 then you really have challenges when you talk about parenting 00:10:30.92\00:10:34.72 children because, you know, unfortunately nobody gives you 00:10:34.82\00:10:39.61 an instruction for how to raise children. 00:10:39.71\00:10:43.83 Well, without getting into the parenting, 00:10:44.03\00:10:45.72 this is a source 00:10:45.83\00:10:49.66 of some conflict... 00:10:49.76\00:10:52.19 yes... in the marriage. 00:10:52.39\00:10:53.82 And that's one reason why we highly recommend 00:10:54.02\00:10:58.31 along with most who are Christian leaders and counselors 00:10:58.41\00:11:02.64 that there be pre-marital sessions between a prospective 00:11:02.74\00:11:07.87 husband and wife. Because all these discussions and all these 00:11:07.97\00:11:11.52 types of things should have some place that they have developed 00:11:11.62\00:11:17.30 as a comfort zone. As a place where when you get to have 00:11:17.40\00:11:21.56 children you have already begun to discuss how you would like 00:11:21.67\00:11:24.96 to discipline those children. What was it like in your house? 00:11:25.06\00:11:28.83 What is it like in our house of origin? My house of origin? 00:11:28.93\00:11:32.91 And then decide now that we are together, are we going to 00:11:33.01\00:11:36.43 create like yours? Like mine? Or somewhere in between? 00:11:36.53\00:11:40.43 Or something totally different 00:11:40.53\00:11:42.01 based upon our understanding of God's Word? 00:11:42.11\00:11:44.57 So, as a couple... there's a challenge. 00:11:44.67\00:11:47.83 And that challenge is under- standing how we're not going to 00:11:48.03\00:11:51.73 allow the children to divide us. 00:11:51.84\00:11:53.77 Well, I think it's even more primary than that 00:11:53.97\00:11:56.90 because, you know, some couples come up to this discussion 00:11:57.01\00:12:00.22 and find that one didn't even plan to have children. 00:12:00.32\00:12:04.71 Oh, my! And then there is a big challenge because 00:12:04.91\00:12:09.45 now we're expecting a child and somebody's really not happy. 00:12:09.55\00:12:15.19 And think about the challenge that is to a marriage. 00:12:15.39\00:12:19.01 So, we've got a couple of layers here, don't we? 00:12:19.21\00:12:22.31 Yes. We've got the expectation of children 00:12:22.51\00:12:25.01 and then maybe one wasn't ready for them then. 00:12:25.11\00:12:30.45 Um-hmm. OK. Because I'm hoping that if there was a decision 00:12:30.65\00:12:34.47 not to have children at all that certainly that was expressed 00:12:34.57\00:12:38.62 and there were plans made to make sure that you followed 00:12:38.72\00:12:42.67 through with that. But, let's say that for some reason 00:12:42.78\00:12:46.63 there was not the kind of discussion about how 00:12:46.83\00:12:51.14 the children were planned... how they were going to be spaced... 00:12:51.24\00:12:53.57 How it's going to affect the marriage. 00:12:53.67\00:12:55.42 How it's going to affect the work, the income. 00:12:55.62\00:12:57.75 All of these are issues that you have gone through 00:12:57.95\00:13:01.65 in your marriage, I'm sure. And many of you could tell us 00:13:01.75\00:13:05.48 many good stories, and some of us can tell horror stories 00:13:05.58\00:13:09.06 about what happened. But, these are necessary things - 00:13:09.16\00:13:12.59 that's right - because children are a blessing. 00:13:12.69\00:13:14.07 But in order to continue to be a blessing, 00:13:14.17\00:13:16.64 we must follow God's plan. 00:13:16.74\00:13:19.03 So, when we come back we will talk a little bit more about 00:13:19.13\00:13:22.10 that and other areas where children bring special needs 00:13:22.20\00:13:27.39 into the development of the marriage. 00:13:27.49\00:13:30.03 There are many how-to books available, 00:13:38.99\00:13:41.03 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 00:13:41.13\00:13:44.26 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 00:13:44.46\00:13:46.68 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 00:13:46.88\00:13:50.71 easy-to-read manner for those contemplating marriage, 00:13:50.81\00:13:53.56 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 00:13:53.76\00:13:56.40 and everyone in between. 00:13:56.50\00:13:58.09 Simply call or write for your 00:13:58.29\00:13:59.88 free copy of this amazing little booklet. 00:13:59.98\00:14:01.90 A handy little tool 00:14:02.10\00:14:03.30 to help build a better marriage. 00:14:03.40\00:14:05.26 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 00:14:16.09\00:14:18.61 We have been actively discussing 00:14:18.71\00:14:21.10 some things even while we were 00:14:21.20\00:14:22.84 away on break because 00:14:22.94\00:14:24.60 this gets to be pretty exciting 00:14:24.70\00:14:26.87 when we are talking about the different modes of married life 00:14:27.07\00:14:32.54 that will emerge when children come that you did not plan on. 00:14:32.74\00:14:37.23 And things begin to happen... and, if you don't follow a plan, 00:14:38.20\00:14:42.77 it will disrupt a marriage. 00:14:42.87\00:14:45.77 And it can cause a lot of conflict and dissention 00:14:45.97\00:14:49.82 in the home. And that's not what you want to create. 00:14:49.93\00:14:52.83 That's not the environment 00:14:52.94\00:14:53.99 that we need to create for our children. 00:14:54.09\00:14:56.34 Well, one of the things you do 00:14:56.54\00:14:58.14 know when you have children... 00:14:58.24\00:14:59.58 Even though you have a plan, 00:14:59.68\00:15:01.78 things never go as you 00:15:01.88\00:15:03.65 planned them because with children... 00:15:03.75\00:15:07.04 You know, I can think of some of the Sabbaths we got ready to go 00:15:07.24\00:15:10.60 to church and everybody would be dressed, clean. 00:15:10.70\00:15:13.89 And you would pick up this child put it over your shoulder 00:15:13.99\00:15:16.72 and... oops! That would mean starting all over again. 00:15:16.82\00:15:20.86 So things never went exactly as planned. 00:15:21.07\00:15:24.64 So you learn a lot about flexibility with children. 00:15:24.84\00:15:29.82 All right. So we are talking about exercising some of the 00:15:29.92\00:15:32.53 same values that create a good environment for growth 00:15:32.63\00:15:38.23 and development of a marriage: humor, 00:15:38.33\00:15:42.02 um-hmm, flexibility, um-hmm, right. Commitment! 00:15:42.12\00:15:44.83 Time. Time! All those things you have to go through again 00:15:45.03\00:15:48.92 now with children. Definitely. 00:15:49.02\00:15:52.06 Because they are part of the picture, and it becomes 00:15:52.16\00:15:54.91 even more critical that you keep the principles 00:15:55.01\00:15:58.62 involved because the plans WILL change. 00:15:58.72\00:16:02.18 For certain and for sure you know your plans will change. 00:16:02.38\00:16:07.08 But the one thing we do know is that the kind of environment 00:16:07.29\00:16:10.28 that you set up in your marriage is going to be a culture 00:16:10.38\00:16:16.37 that is going to instruct your children... 00:16:16.47\00:16:19.88 hmmm... of how to deal with various areas of life 00:16:20.08\00:16:23.83 including spirituality 00:16:23.93\00:16:27.10 and having God as the leader of the home. 00:16:27.20\00:16:31.21 And having an environment that's safe. 00:16:31.41\00:16:35.30 Because the parents have talked about this and because 00:16:35.50\00:16:40.12 you have created a safe environment for each other 00:16:40.23\00:16:43.00 in your communication and a place to be heard 00:16:43.10\00:16:47.04 and to be listened to and to be accepted unconditionally. 00:16:47.24\00:16:52.51 That same environment also has an effect on your children. 00:16:52.71\00:16:55.63 It's interesting that you would choose the word culture - 00:16:55.83\00:16:59.50 um-hmm - for your home, but I think that you are right 00:16:59.70\00:17:03.61 about what happens because then your children have expectations 00:17:03.71\00:17:09.00 and they think that's the way the world is because 00:17:09.10\00:17:12.72 that's the way their home is. 00:17:12.82\00:17:14.91 Yes. And there is no getting around it. 00:17:15.11\00:17:18.25 You cannot not have a culture. 00:17:18.46\00:17:22.27 If you understand what I'm saying? Yes! 00:17:22.47\00:17:24.68 Even if you choose not to have a culture, that is a culture. 00:17:24.88\00:17:28.34 A non-culture is a culture... yes... 00:17:28.54\00:17:31.59 you create an absence of something - that's right - 00:17:31.79\00:17:35.26 and what we are talking about is creating a positive whole 00:17:35.36\00:17:39.38 for that child because that is the responsibility 00:17:39.58\00:17:44.10 given to the marriage. That's right. 00:17:44.20\00:17:46.47 And that is helping to bring up children in the fear and the 00:17:46.57\00:17:50.96 admonition of God. 00:17:51.06\00:17:52.88 You've got a scripture that you - yes - can share with us. 00:17:53.08\00:17:55.18 Ephesians 5:1-2 from The Message says: 00:17:55.28\00:17:58.55 "Watch what God does and then YOU do it... 00:17:58.65\00:18:02.13 like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. 00:18:02.33\00:18:05.65 Mostly what God does is love you. 00:18:05.85\00:18:09.02 Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. 00:18:09.12\00:18:12.59 Observe how Christ loved us. 00:18:12.79\00:18:15.61 His love was not cautious but extravagant. 00:18:15.71\00:18:19.28 He didn't love in order to get something from us 00:18:19.48\00:18:22.67 but to give everything of Himself to us. 00:18:22.77\00:18:26.38 Love like that. " 00:18:26.58\00:18:28.74 That last phrase sort of sums it up, doesn't it? 00:18:28.95\00:18:32.32 Yes. And yet at the same time, 00:18:32.52\00:18:36.02 that sum we don't often arrive at in a marriage. 00:18:36.22\00:18:41.32 A lot of times in this generation and maybe in previous 00:18:41.52\00:18:45.49 generations too it just didn't seem like it to us, but 00:18:45.59\00:18:48.92 in this generation there is a tendency 00:18:49.02\00:18:53.39 for a parent or a husband or wife 00:18:53.49\00:18:58.29 to use a child for their own needs. 00:18:58.39\00:19:01.65 Well, I think probably it was in previous generations 00:19:01.85\00:19:06.71 because it was about appearances. OK. 00:19:06.81\00:19:10.74 What would people think? Um-hmm. But I guess I just like 00:19:10.95\00:19:15.35 the fact that God loves extravagantly. All right. 00:19:15.45\00:19:19.81 And I'm back to my theme again about saving things 00:19:20.01\00:19:24.98 for good and that we can't do that with people we love. 00:19:25.08\00:19:30.64 We must love extravagantly. 00:19:30.84\00:19:33.12 And we must love that way every day 00:19:33.22\00:19:36.22 because tomorrow's not promised. 00:19:36.32\00:19:38.63 And so with our spouses, with our children, 00:19:38.83\00:19:41.89 we must love extravagantly 00:19:41.99\00:19:44.45 because this is the day that we have. 00:19:44.55\00:19:47.29 And so we don't withhold our love. 00:19:47.49\00:19:49.98 We don't withhold our affirmations... 00:19:50.08\00:19:52.71 because this is the day we have. 00:19:52.81\00:19:56.23 So that cycles right back into what we initially said, 00:19:56.43\00:20:00.18 and that is that children are placed here for the benefit 00:20:00.29\00:20:04.25 of the glory of God. Which means that they're not really here to 00:20:04.35\00:20:09.67 fulfill our unfulfilled needs. 00:20:09.77\00:20:12.00 And if we have acted upon our love 00:20:12.20\00:20:17.45 with our spouse and we have created a safe place, 00:20:17.55\00:20:21.30 we have created a fullness of extravagant love for our spouse, 00:20:21.50\00:20:24.97 then what is there to need in which we use children 00:20:25.07\00:20:29.51 to get our needs rather than share love with each other. 00:20:29.61\00:20:33.17 And that love overflows into our children's lives 00:20:33.37\00:20:36.47 and teaches them how to love. 00:20:36.58\00:20:38.35 And if we have rejoiced in our uniqueness 00:20:38.51\00:20:41.91 and we have developed the gifts that God has given us, 00:20:42.01\00:20:45.78 then again our children will learn how to model 00:20:45.88\00:20:49.62 and develop their unique gifts and talents and abilities. 00:20:49.72\00:20:54.54 We won't need then to look at what might have been 00:20:54.74\00:20:59.16 in our lives. Um-hmm. We will encourage our children, 00:20:59.26\00:21:02.10 then, the develop the gifts and talents that God has given them. 00:21:02.20\00:21:05.67 And we will rejoice in their uniqueness. 00:21:05.87\00:21:08.91 In other words, you are saying: "I didn't get to do that 00:21:09.11\00:21:11.28 so you are going to do this as my child. " 00:21:11.38\00:21:13.65 No. We don't have to do that - no - if we allow that 00:21:13.85\00:21:17.33 to take place in our marriage and we have supported 00:21:17.43\00:21:20.58 one another - that's right - to be all that we can be in Christ. 00:21:20.69\00:21:23.12 Then our children will be able to catch that same value 00:21:23.33\00:21:28.96 in the spiritual culture of our home. Exactly. 00:21:29.06\00:21:33.63 And we will rejoice when they 00:21:33.83\00:21:35.66 look at who they are in Christ - 00:21:35.76\00:21:37.75 um-hmm - and develop those 00:21:37.85\00:21:39.35 same talents and gifts that 00:21:39.45\00:21:41.05 are given to them in Christ. 00:21:41.16\00:21:42.92 And we will encourage them to be 00:21:43.02\00:21:45.24 all that Christ would have them be. 00:21:45.34\00:21:47.71 OK. That is a positive! 00:21:47.81\00:21:50.24 Now, we are dealing with more than just a family... 00:21:50.44\00:21:55.90 natural family... order when we deal with this world. 00:21:56.01\00:21:59.19 There is brokenness in this world, and some of you may have 00:21:59.29\00:22:02.58 experienced that. And there are 00:22:02.68\00:22:04.22 step families. There are what we 00:22:04.32\00:22:06.96 call blended families. 00:22:07.07\00:22:09.03 Sometimes they don't blend 00:22:09.23\00:22:10.47 so well... so they still feel like step families. 00:22:10.57\00:22:14.34 But, that being said, 00:22:14.54\00:22:17.86 what kind of help and assistance can we give families 00:22:18.06\00:22:22.43 who are trying to put together two different family systems? 00:22:22.53\00:22:27.16 Because now there's a new marriage and the children 00:22:27.36\00:22:29.98 are being brought together. How can we protect 00:22:30.08\00:22:33.41 this new marriage in the Lord? 00:22:33.51\00:22:35.95 We hope by God's blessing they have become remarried 00:22:36.35\00:22:40.91 because of the brokenness of the previous relationships. 00:22:41.01\00:22:44.39 But now there is a determination to follow God. 00:22:44.59\00:22:47.05 How can we help them to establish that blended family 00:22:47.25\00:22:50.24 situation? Well I think first of all, we have to start with 00:22:50.34\00:22:53.83 forgiveness. Somebody's got to be willing to say 00:22:53.93\00:22:56.92 "It may not have started right, but this is our new page. 00:22:57.02\00:23:01.41 This is where we start today. And from this day, 00:23:01.61\00:23:06.20 we have determined this is what we will do. " 00:23:06.30\00:23:09.52 Joshua said: "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. " 00:23:09.72\00:23:14.51 So any day you determine and covenant that this is what 00:23:14.71\00:23:18.11 you are going to do, the Lord will bless that day. 00:23:18.21\00:23:21.76 And because you have determined with a spirit of forgiveness 00:23:21.96\00:23:27.23 this is what your family is going to do, then if you 00:23:27.33\00:23:31.51 make a mistake the next day, you already know what to do. 00:23:31.65\00:23:35.60 This is how we forgive. 00:23:35.80\00:23:37.46 OK. So the attitude... the culture... 00:23:37.66\00:23:40.12 is one of forgiveness. 00:23:40.22\00:23:41.31 And that's easier than thinking that you are on pins and needles 00:23:42.02\00:23:46.41 and if you have children in the home that are not your 00:23:46.51\00:23:52.24 biological children, the problems of discipline 00:23:52.34\00:23:56.39 and parenting that are very difficult now 00:23:56.49\00:23:58.75 because it's a new home... there is a new parent here... 00:23:58.85\00:24:03.18 and ultimately that's all going to go right back up 00:24:03.38\00:24:06.40 to that new relationship that is a marriage relationship... 00:24:06.50\00:24:10.05 and this creates tension and conflict. So if you establish 00:24:10.15\00:24:13.83 Christ culture. If you establish Christ's spirit in your home, 00:24:13.93\00:24:19.52 the spirit of forgiveness and of helping to grow and develop 00:24:19.63\00:24:23.23 the new marriage and thereby the new family with the new 00:24:23.43\00:24:28.63 children, the tensions will be eased and a lot easier 00:24:28.73\00:24:32.52 to get through. Well, I think also, this 00:24:32.62\00:24:35.80 is a time when if there was ever a time or a need for 00:24:35.90\00:24:39.26 communication... OK. If there was ever a time 00:24:39.36\00:24:42.35 for being able to dialogue openly and honestly, 00:24:42.45\00:24:46.56 this would be the time. Because if people are wondering 00:24:46.66\00:24:51.01 or assuming or thinking... OR GUESSING, 00:24:51.11\00:24:55.17 then you've really got a problem because you can't have 00:24:55.27\00:24:59.87 a healthy marriage or a healthy family if people aren't telling 00:24:59.97\00:25:04.84 what they're really feeling. 00:25:04.94\00:25:06.26 OK. So, this is then making what we have already established 00:25:06.46\00:25:11.74 as a base. And that is: healthy communication and dialogue 00:25:11.84\00:25:16.38 in the marriage. This is one time 00:25:16.48\00:25:19.07 that you really can't pass that up. 00:25:19.17\00:25:21.52 Not at all. You may not get a second chance 00:25:21.72\00:25:23.86 because it will create such a difficult time for everybody 00:25:23.96\00:25:26.93 that it will destroy the marriage and the relationship. 00:25:27.13\00:25:31.44 So, children can be a blessing and they are a blessing 00:25:31.64\00:25:35.76 if you have followed God's plan. 00:25:35.87\00:25:38.53 And forgiveness is there when you happen to misstep 00:25:38.73\00:25:42.39 and get out of the plan. But don't you think that 00:25:42.49\00:25:45.48 one of the real major things is making sure that everyone in 00:25:45.58\00:25:49.47 in that family, underneath that marriage, 00:25:49.57\00:25:52.45 is learning about Jesus on a daily basis and that they 00:25:52.55\00:25:56.42 develop their own lives? Well, the only way children will 00:25:56.55\00:25:59.54 learn about Jesus is seeing their parents. 00:25:59.64\00:26:02.18 And one of the most powerful ways children learn is 00:26:02.38\00:26:06.08 for parents, when they are wrong, is for parents to 00:26:06.18\00:26:09.06 apologize to their children and say: "I'm sorry. " 00:26:09.16\00:26:12.42 OK. And that helps them to learn about forgiveness, doesn't it? 00:26:12.62\00:26:16.16 And that's the bedrock of foundation for a Christian home. 00:26:16.36\00:26:20.89 The grace of God for forgiveness through the blood of Jesus 00:26:21.10\00:26:23.47 Christ. You know, that's something we need to pray about 00:26:23.57\00:26:26.03 before we go today. 00:26:26.13\00:26:27.46 Dear Lord, there's not enough time in this day 00:26:28.17\00:26:31.58 or in this program to speak of every situation. 00:26:31.68\00:26:35.76 But, dear Lord, we are so thankful that Your Holy Spirit 00:26:35.86\00:26:39.38 can be everywhere and can be available for all families, 00:26:39.48\00:26:43.40 for all marriages. So please bless each one 00:26:43.50\00:26:47.93 that they might receive and hear Your voice. 00:26:48.03\00:26:51.51 Thank you, Lord, for trusting us with children. 00:26:51.71\00:26:54.93 We know that we can only raise them through Your power 00:26:55.13\00:26:58.27 and Your grace... and Your forgiveness. 00:26:58.37\00:27:00.90 So thank You for sending us the Holy Spirit. 00:27:01.10\00:27:04.15 In the lovely name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 00:27:04.35\00:27:08.37 Even as we have had our discussions, 00:27:09.16\00:27:12.30 we have to thank you for being there and for 00:27:12.40\00:27:17.51 praying us through because certainly we want your marriages 00:27:17.61\00:27:21.55 to be in God's hands even as we have appreciated and grown 00:27:21.65\00:27:26.38 and developed our marriage to this point through 00:27:26.48\00:27:28.88 God's hands. And we are looking forward to some more 00:27:28.98\00:27:32.40 important times together. 00:27:32.50\00:27:33.75 We hope that you have received a blessing today 00:27:33.95\00:27:36.47 and that your children who have been sent and provided from 00:27:36.57\00:27:40.26 the Lord will be a blessing to your marriage 00:27:40.36\00:27:43.06 and your marriage to them. 00:27:43.16\00:27:44.70