Participants: Willie and Wilma Lee
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000035
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:32 We are very happy that you are with us today 00:35 and that we can be a part of your life on this day. 00:38 I am Willie Lee, your host, and our co-host is Wilma Lee. 00:43 Welcome. We're happy to have you here today as we talk about 00:47 marriage and sexuality. 00:50 Before we get started, why don't we pray? 00:54 We are thankful, Lord, that You have provided such a 00:58 wonderful experience for marriage. 01:01 Our sexuality is a part of what You have given us, but we 01:06 want to reflect You and the image of God in all that we do. 01:10 Lord, you are such a gracious God. 01:13 You give wonderful gifts, and we thank You for them. 01:17 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 01:23 When we talk about sexuality in marriage, 01:26 it's something that people think 01:29 is automatic. 01:31 And it might be... but it might 01:33 not be automatically right. 01:36 It might not be a natural thing that's done in a way 01:41 that is healthy and lends itself to God's plan for marriage. 01:47 So, I think it's good for us to be able to share some things 01:50 today about sexuality in marriage because it has 01:55 become a real issue in these days and times we are living in 01:58 right now. Well you know, often times Christians 02:02 don't believe that they can be sexual beings because they don't 02:06 equate the two. But I'm always 02:10 referring to Genesis 02:13 because it says "God created 02:16 male and female. " So right there at the beginning 02:20 we begin with sexuality... male and female. 02:25 That's right. And He said that the two should become one flesh. 02:30 And the very statement is housed in the language of the 02:35 Bible, which gives us an understanding that one-fleshness 02:39 is a sexual union. It is not just looking alike 02:45 or acting alike, it is being together sexually as one 02:49 in marriage - which is a gift from God 02:53 of the highest expression of God's love inside of a marriage 02:58 and the love that then issues forth between 03:02 the husband and wife. Now God has said that 03:06 there should be no relationships that are sexual before marriage 03:11 that enter into sexual relationships that are saved 03:16 for marriage. And the sexual relationships that are for 03:20 marriage are those that involve sexual intimacy. 03:24 And so that needs to be carefully parsed, 03:28 very carefully thought about because God says that's also 03:32 one area that when there's unfaithfulness and there is 03:37 a sexual intimacy that you have with someone that you're not 03:41 married to, that that can be a cause for divorce 03:44 or separation or the dissolution of a marriage. 03:49 Well, I think it's interesting that God said that 03:52 before there were any other people on the earth. 03:56 Because that, too, came out of Genesis. He said 04:00 that a man should leave his family 04:04 and cleave to his wife and there was only Adam and Eve. 04:08 That's right. So it was a direct reference to the coming together 04:14 of husband and wife after marriage, 04:18 and that that's done after you have left your own home... 04:22 not before you leave home and have the marriage ceremony 04:26 and have it solemnized and recognized and supported by 04:30 your church congregation and, as well, the state 04:35 or the governmental authorities. 04:37 But God did say in Matthew 5, verses 27 and 28, 04:42 that it can be a cause for separation and divorce. 04:47 But there is something else that enters in, and we need to 04:51 talk about this because there is a confusion between 04:55 sexual intimacy and sexual relationships 04:58 and lustful relationships. And Jesus made that very clear. 05:02 He says: "I will tell you this much, it's not just a matter 05:07 of having a sexual relationship, physical relationship, 05:10 with another person that's adultery. " 05:13 There can be lust. And if you lust after someone 05:19 and have a desire for someone lustfully, 05:23 that that also can be considered an adulterous situation. 05:28 Well, that's because when we talk about sex and sexuality 05:34 one... THE LARGEST... sexual organ in the human body 05:39 is the brain. That's true! 05:42 That once the mind has grasped and visualized 05:45 and has thought of and considered and planned 05:48 and at the opportunity taken advantage of the opportunity 05:51 for sexual relationships, that's a part of what lusting 05:55 is if it's not with your wife, and you can even - if we are... 06:01 if we really want to parse it very carefully, 06:03 you can be lustful in your marriage with the person 06:07 you are married to. And that may not be a healthy marriage 06:13 if lust is the basis of all sexual relationships. 06:18 But let's stop first before we go there 06:21 and also talk about I Corinthians 6 06:24 and I Corinthians chapter 7. 06:28 Within those chapters at the end of chapter 6 06:32 verses 19 and 20 it talks about that our bodies are the temple 06:37 of the Holy Spirit and the Holy Ghost. 06:41 And if our bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost, then 06:44 we ought to not allow that which is unclean 06:47 to come into our bodies or come into who we are 06:52 as the instrument or the temple of the Holy Spirit. 06:56 And this is a perfect way of understanding 07:01 that sexuality within marriage that is a sexual relationship 07:07 is blessed and ordained of God, and God considers it so. 07:11 It's when you take it outside of marriage that it creates 07:14 problems that are so severe that they could lead to divorce. 07:20 And that is acceptable by God... BUT... 07:23 It is not absolutely necessary that you divorce 07:26 just because there has been a breaking of the marriage vow 07:30 through a sexual encounter. 07:33 However, it must be said that we are not going to get into the 07:37 details of that, but we'd rather talk about the positive side - 07:41 wouldn't we - of the sexual relationships? Yes. 07:43 And I think that Christians ought to realize the wonderful 07:47 gift that God has given them with sexuality within the 07:51 marriage and not take that gift lightly. 07:54 And it's based upon intimacy. 07:56 Before you even get to sexual intimacy. Exactly. 08:00 And we are going to be seeing some of that as we go through 08:03 some of these areas today. As we look at the growth of 08:08 a marriage and the growth sexually, 08:10 we also would like to say that 08:12 there is a lot of help and 08:14 assistance for couples 08:16 who run into difficulty. 08:17 There are people who are professionals and who are 08:19 licensed and who have studied and are prepared to counsel 08:24 and to give therapy to people who have difficulties 08:28 in some of these areas. 08:30 And it's good to make sure that you locate someone 08:33 who is, as a Christian, on the same Biblical base 08:39 as you are when you look for someone outside of your marriage 08:44 or outside of your church relationship with your pastor 08:47 to have counseling with. 08:50 Well, I also think it's important for couples to 08:52 be in the best physical health - 08:54 all right - as possible. 08:55 And that means that you've had 08:57 a complete physical and that 08:59 you've taken care of all of your 09:01 physical health needs. Because often times we don't 09:05 do that. And I think women are very guilty of doing that 09:09 because they've taken care of everyone else 09:12 but they haven't taken care of themselves. 09:14 And so it's important that we've had our yearly physical. 09:18 That we've had all of our health check-ups: 09:21 our breast exams, our Pap exams. 09:25 And men need to take care of all of those health exams that 09:28 they're supposed to do on an annual basis. 09:31 To not say "Oh, I'll do it when I get around to it. " 09:35 You know, that goes along with keeping the body temple, 09:38 doesn't it? Yes it does! 09:39 And I think it's important for us to understand 09:42 that what you have just shared is such a key thing. 09:45 Because not only does the physical support a good, healthy 09:51 sexual life, the physical also supports a good, healthy 09:55 mental outlook as well. Yes it does. 09:58 And since that affects the way we feel, the way we respond 10:03 sexually as mates, that is very important for us to make sure 10:08 that that is done. However, I would like to also 10:11 say that we are not here today to unpack all there is to know 10:16 about sexuality in the way of detailed sexual therapy 10:21 or to become so intimately involved that we go into every 10:26 part of what is good sexual practice. 10:30 We're not here to share that as much as we are to share 10:33 the foundation that you lay in thinking about sexual 10:38 relationships. Because one of the areas that is a problem 10:42 even within marriage is that sometimes there is such a thing 10:47 as being able or the possibility of doing a rape 10:53 inside the marriage where you force your sexuality 10:57 or force a sexual relationship upon your mate who is not 11:02 prepared for it. And I think that's because we don't always 11:05 know the difference between love and sex. 11:08 Ahhhh. So there is a difference. 11:11 You know sometimes we equate the two. In fact, 11:14 I think the younger generation today equates the two. 11:18 That sex means love, 11:20 and that we can enjoy being in love 11:24 and have sex and have no further responsibilities 11:26 toward our partner. It's almost recreational. 11:30 Is that a difficulty? I think that's a difficulty 11:33 because there is a big difference. 11:35 Because we are talking about in the image of God. 11:38 Definitely. And it's very important. 11:40 And when we move into the second part of our program today 11:44 we are going to put up some graphics that are going to 11:47 discuss in detail... I'm going to spend just about the whole 11:50 second half of our program discussing the difference 11:54 between love and sex or love and lust. 11:58 Because it is something that you ought to know 12:03 as a marriage partner and as a spouse about that which is 12:08 healthy... that which is a foundation for love. 12:12 And I think that that's what makes a Christian marriage, 12:15 OK, and Christian sexuality so much different than what we 12:20 see portrayed in the media. What we see hyped everywhere. 12:26 And what makes a Christian marriage so much delightful 12:30 and makes a marriage... makes it a marriage for a lifetime. 12:33 That's right. Because you are going to be able to see 12:37 the source and the foundation that's laid from which 12:41 all of this should rise and should come. 12:43 And it is based upon an excellent relationship 12:46 between yourself and God. And that relationship, again, 12:51 in that sacred circle - with boundaries - between the 12:56 husband and wife. God is in a relationship that is sexual 13:00 with the boundaries in place and with the right kinds 13:04 of care for your spousal partner. 13:07 So, when we come back, we are going to spend 13:10 most of the second half discussing this, and you won't 13:13 want to miss it. So if your husband or wife is not sitting 13:17 there, your spouse is not with you, 13:19 you'll want to get them to come in and you all share together. 13:22 And you'll have something else to dialogue about. 13:24 And you'll find that it will be delightful. 13:27 We'll look for you in just a moment. 13:38 There are many how-to books available, but there is one 13:41 that is free and perfect for every couple: 13:44 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:46 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:50 easy-to-read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:56 and everyone in between. 13:58 Simply call or write for your 13:59 free copy of this amazing little booklet. 14:01 A handy little tool 14:03 to help build a better marriage. 14:15 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:18 And today we are and have been 14:22 discussing marriage and 14:23 sexuality. 14:25 And we have some important 14:27 graphics that we are going to share with you 14:29 as we talk about marriage and sexuality. So, I'm going to 14:35 let you begin that because... as the graphic comes up, 14:39 will you please share with us, Wilma, how we should 14:43 understand these. Well, we want to talk about the difference 14:46 between love and sex. And I think that's important 14:50 because I'm not sure people are 14:53 often clear about what those two 14:56 differences are. 14:57 And I think the graphic 14:59 will help people understand what we're talking about 15:03 when we talk about the difference between love and sex. 15:06 OK, we'll look at the first graphic now. 15:16 And that versus sex, which is: 15:20 OK. So what we are seeing and what we are understanding 15:23 is that sex alone does not promote intimacy 15:29 and the growth of the husband and wife together. 15:34 Exactly. It just becomes an act, a physical act, 15:38 without the emotions and the heart entering into it. 15:41 And, of course, you notice that love requires thoughtful 15:45 conversation. So here we are talking about the intentional 15:49 dialogue and sharing between the two. 15:52 And that requires time. OK. 15:56 That requires commitment, and that requires intention. 16:00 OK. Well that helps us. 16:02 Let's look at the next graphic, then, and see what that says. 16:15 where on the other hand you find 16:27 Forever an illusion... 16:30 You mean you are always getting there but it never really... 16:34 Having happiness and joy is not found just with sex. 16:39 Well, it's kind of like that pot of gold at the end of the 16:42 rainbow: you're always trying to get there 16:44 but you never get there. 16:46 But love develops in depth, and it requires an effort. 16:51 Um-hmm. So that means it's something that you are going to 16:54 have to work toward and for... Because love, I guess, is 16:58 more of a principle of relation- ship than just a feeling. 17:00 Yes. OK. So, when you are talking about this relationship 17:05 that involves effort, does happiness come as a part 17:11 of the act or just at the end? 17:13 Well, I think it's a part of the act, but happiness is something 17:17 that both people bring to the act. OK. 17:20 So, sexuality, then, increases when you both enter into it 17:24 with an expectation that I am happy with you 17:28 and we are going to create that happiness between us. 17:32 Yes. OK. And here, let's look at the next graphic where: 17:41 OK. So that takes, again, time... where: 17:48 Oh, wow! Now that says a whole lot! 17:51 That sounds like if there's not respect required for sex 17:55 then that really is something that is just a recreation 18:00 and it's a "ME-CENTERED" thing. 18:02 I just want something for me and I could care less about you. 18:06 Exactly. And so there is not even evidence of caring 18:12 if it doesn't require respect, that's just anything anybody. 18:17 Well, I've heard people say: 18:19 "Will you respect me in the morning? " 18:22 But, will you respect me even before I start? Exactly. 18:26 Then the respect has to be built into the relationship 18:30 in order for love to exist and to be sustained. 18:34 Exactly. So, again, when we look, here is another powerful 18:39 difference between love and sex. 18:41 Because this graphic talks... it's just very succinct 18:46 but very important because here: 18:51 Ahhh. And, of course: 18:57 You know, one of the components we talked about in intimacy 19:00 is humor. That's right; that's right. 19:02 And so, therefore, love is lots of warm laughter. 19:07 And if you take yourself too seriously 19:11 in a sexual relationship and things do not always happen 19:15 like you imagined they might, 19:17 then it's a real downer, isn't it? 19:19 It can be - certainly - a very difficult thing. Whereas 19:22 if you enter into it with joy and happiness, 19:24 your happiness is not depending upon performance. 19:27 Ummmm, yes. And, you know, our world 19:31 is so bent on performance. 19:35 Everything is what does... how do you do. 19:38 How am I doING? Um-hmmm - 19:41 that there couldn't be a lot of laughter. 19:44 So it sounds more like a being and how you are being. 19:47 Are you being a person who is enjoying and you can laugh about 19:52 the faux pas or that which is a little bit less than what you 19:56 imagined because you are both approaching it with a sense of 20:01 joy and happiness. Yes! Joy and delight. 20:03 All right. And then the next graphic 20:05 talks about another difference. 20:15 OK. And... 20:22 Ho, ho. Now that's interesting, isn't it? 20:25 You know, when you stop to think about it carefully, 20:29 that nails it, doesn't it? I think so! 20:32 Talking about a big behavior versus what? 20:37 Small behavioral changes that bring about good feelings. 20:41 So we are talking about the nuances of approaching 20:44 a sexual relationship in that there is more than just one big 20:50 behavior. There's a lot of things that are happening 20:53 before you even get there. 20:54 Like one book that we read together that was a great book - 20:58 and that was about sex begins... in the kitchen. In the kitchen! 21:02 Even before you get to the bedroom, there's little things 21:05 you do... the things you do between yourselves 21:07 that support one another and... that's right... 21:09 that help one another in other areas of life, 21:12 help to enjoy a sexual relationship later. 21:16 There's a song that... I'm certainly telling my age now... 21:19 that "These little things remind me of you. " 21:22 Small behavioral changes. OK. 21:26 And then there's another graphic that I think talks about 21:29 what happens: 21:39 OK. Here's that feeling thing again. 21:47 Oh, ho. It sounds like a demand to me. 21:51 Yeah. Because it sounds like somebody is saying: 21:54 "I don't care about you but I'm going to get what I want. " 21:57 OK. OK. That becomes very clear. 22:00 And once again it's that "ME-CENTEREDNESS." 22:02 That ego must be fed in me, 22:06 and I must feel like a big person because of what I do. 22:10 What happens if you don't like me? 22:14 I don't have to. Isn't that something? 22:17 Because if I don't respect you or anything else, 22:19 that is not important. Where the basic tenor 22:24 of what we are seeing about love 22:25 it's about us. OK. OK. 22:28 And I think that's real 22:29 important that it's not 22:31 the me or the you, it's about the we or the us. 22:36 OK. US. That brings back an important picture, 22:41 doesn't it - yes - when you talk about the story of US. 22:44 Yes. Yeah, that's great. 22:46 Here's another thing that love is important to think about: 22:51 The graphic says: 22:56 Um-hmm... where: 23:01 Wow! Now that is a picture that's startling. 23:06 Why startling? I mean, if you don't require respect 23:10 it's one big behavior, it doesn't take any effort. 23:14 But love, remember, takes small behavioral acts. 23:19 That says something about commitment. 23:22 It does, doesn't it? 23:24 For the long run. Not just for an instant. 23:27 Not just for a moment. 23:29 It's relationship that builds and grows and develops... 23:34 and sustains anything... even changes physically. 23:39 Because that happens as we talk about the development 23:42 of marriage. And as you get older, things change 23:45 and things have to be adjusted. 23:48 And if it's not dependent upon a big act but those little 23:51 incremental changes and the attention that you get 23:54 all along the way, 23:56 that is an important thing to understand. 23:59 And then there's another point of this when you look at 24:01 the comparison between love and sex. 24:04 The next graphic says: 24:15 Oh, OK. And? 24:27 Oh, ho, ho. Ah, yes. 24:31 That is seemingly what we get from the world around us 24:37 that is not even the human world. 24:40 Because that sounds more like an animal reaction and response. 24:46 Well I'll let you say that. 24:48 Because we see that it doesn't 24:51 take animals acculturating 24:55 to each other or developing 24:57 anything. It's either this is 25:00 the time, the instinct, or the dog that is in heat, 25:04 or whatever... and then you move on. 25:06 What you have just shared talks about a life together. 25:10 That's true. You can't really develop good sexuality 25:14 unless you've got the promise of many tomorrows. 25:17 That's very true. And I think that what happens particularly 25:23 in a marriage that's for a lifetime. 25:25 People find as they age that things aren't what they were 25:30 when they were younger. Um-hmm. And so when we talk about 25:33 love and sexuality through the seasons of life - 25:37 yes - those things change as well. 25:40 And that doesn't mean that there is love more or less. 25:44 It's just different. OK. 25:46 You know, I would like to suggest... if you haven't... 25:50 Read the Song of Solomon, a tremendous book, 25:54 to understand the very specialness of approaching 25:57 sexuality and intimate relationships and growing 26:01 and developing that relationship. 26:02 God put the Song of Solomon there for a reason. 26:05 And that's to help us to understand married love. 26:09 You know, this is something really we need to pray about 26:12 because the world is attacking it and is not supporting 26:16 the Christian and Biblical sexual relationships 26:20 in marriage. Loving Father, 26:23 there is so much in the world that is annoying 26:28 and beginning to affect all of us. 26:32 And unless we really focus in with You on the Word of God, 26:36 we cannot understand how to grow our marriage. 26:39 And especially in this very special gift... in sexual love 26:43 for married couples. Lord, we are so thankful 26:46 for Your Word and thankful for the fact that You know us, 26:50 You created us, and You have a plan 26:53 for every part of our lives. 26:55 Help us to listen to You and to be open to Your Spirit. 26:59 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 27:04 You know, this can be a very tremendous area 27:07 for us to share together as couples knowing that closeness 27:13 and developing something that's slow and steady 27:16 and ongoing... that it's best that way. 27:19 God has given us something very special and unique. 27:24 A gift for us to be able to enjoy and experience 27:29 sexual love in a Biblical way. 27:32 And that's going to be something that we can treasure 27:35 for the rest of our lives. And we hope that you will 27:37 with your spouse enjoy and appreciate and develop 27:42 that special love. God bless you! |
Revised 2014-12-17