Welcome to
Marriage in God's Hands.
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We are very happy
that you are with us today
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and that we can be a
part of your life on this day.
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I am Willie Lee, your host,
and our co-host is Wilma Lee.
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Welcome. We're happy to have
you here today as we talk about
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marriage and sexuality.
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Before we get
started, why don't we pray?
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We are thankful, Lord,
that You have provided such a
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wonderful
experience for marriage.
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Our sexuality is a part of
what You have given us, but we
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want to reflect You and the
image of God in all that we do.
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Lord, you are
such a gracious God.
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You give wonderful gifts,
and we thank You for them.
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In the name of Jesus
we pray, Amen and Amen.
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When we talk about
sexuality in marriage,
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it's something that people think
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is automatic.
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And it might be... but it might
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not be automatically right.
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It might not be a natural
thing that's done in a way
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that is healthy and lends itself
to God's plan for marriage.
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So, I think it's good for us
to be able to share some things
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today about sexuality
in marriage because it has
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become a real issue in these
days and times we are living in
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right now. Well you
know, often times Christians
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don't believe that they can be
sexual beings because they don't
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equate the two. But I'm always
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referring to Genesis
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because it says "God created
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male and female. " So
right there at the beginning
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we begin with
sexuality... male and female.
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That's right. And He said that
the two should become one flesh.
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And the very statement is
housed in the language of the
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Bible, which gives us an
understanding that one-fleshness
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is a sexual union. It
is not just looking alike
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or acting alike, it is
being together sexually as one
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in marriage -
which is a gift from God
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of the highest expression of
God's love inside of a marriage
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and the love that
then issues forth between
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the husband and
wife. Now God has said that
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there should be no relationships
that are sexual before marriage
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that enter into sexual
relationships that are saved
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for marriage. And the sexual
relationships that are for
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marriage are those that
involve sexual intimacy.
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And so that needs
to be carefully parsed,
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very carefully thought about
because God says that's also
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one area that when there's
unfaithfulness and there is
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a sexual intimacy that you have
with someone that you're not
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married to, that that
can be a cause for divorce
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or separation or the
dissolution of a marriage.
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Well, I think it's
interesting that God said that
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before there were any
other people on the earth.
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Because that, too,
came out of Genesis. He said
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that a man
should leave his family
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and cleave to his wife and
there was only Adam and Eve.
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That's right. So it was a direct
reference to the coming together
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of husband and
wife after marriage,
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and that that's done after
you have left your own home...
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not before you leave home
and have the marriage ceremony
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and have it solemnized and
recognized and supported by
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your church congregation
and, as well, the state
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or the governmental authorities.
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But God did say in
Matthew 5, verses 27 and 28,
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that it can be a cause
for separation and divorce.
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But there is something else
that enters in, and we need to
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talk about this because
there is a confusion between
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sexual intimacy and
sexual relationships
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and lustful relationships.
And Jesus made that very clear.
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He says: "I will tell you this
much, it's not just a matter
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of having a sexual relationship,
physical relationship,
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with another
person that's adultery. "
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There can be lust. And
if you lust after someone
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and have a desire
for someone lustfully,
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that that also can be considered
an adulterous situation.
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Well, that's because when
we talk about sex and sexuality
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one... THE LARGEST...
sexual organ in the human body
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is the brain. That's true!
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That once the mind
has grasped and visualized
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and has thought of
and considered and planned
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and at the opportunity taken
advantage of the opportunity
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for sexual relationships,
that's a part of what lusting
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is if it's not with your wife,
and you can even - if we are...
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if we really want to
parse it very carefully,
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you can be lustful in
your marriage with the person
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you are married to. And that
may not be a healthy marriage
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if lust is the basis of
all sexual relationships.
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But let's stop
first before we go there
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and also talk
about I Corinthians 6
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and I Corinthians chapter 7.
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Within those chapters
at the end of chapter 6
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verses 19 and 20 it talks about
that our bodies are the temple
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of the Holy Spirit
and the Holy Ghost.
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And if our bodies are the
temple of the Holy Ghost, then
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we ought to not
allow that which is unclean
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to come into our
bodies or come into who we are
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as the instrument or the
temple of the Holy Spirit.
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And this is a
perfect way of understanding
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that sexuality within marriage
that is a sexual relationship
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is blessed and ordained of
God, and God considers it so.
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It's when you take it outside
of marriage that it creates
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problems that are so severe
that they could lead to divorce.
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And that is
acceptable by God... BUT...
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It is not absolutely
necessary that you divorce
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just because there has been
a breaking of the marriage vow
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through a sexual encounter.
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However, it must be said that
we are not going to get into the
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details of that, but we'd rather
talk about the positive side -
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wouldn't we - of the
sexual relationships? Yes.
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And I think that Christians
ought to realize the wonderful
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gift that God has given
them with sexuality within the
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marriage and not
take that gift lightly.
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And it's based upon intimacy.
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Before you even get to
sexual intimacy. Exactly.
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And we are going to be seeing
some of that as we go through
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some of these areas today.
As we look at the growth of
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a marriage and
the growth sexually,
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we also would like to say that
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there is a lot of help and
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assistance for couples
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who run into difficulty.
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There are people who are
professionals and who are
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licensed and who have studied
and are prepared to counsel
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and to give therapy to
people who have difficulties
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in some of these areas.
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And it's good to make
sure that you locate someone
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who is, as a Christian,
on the same Biblical base
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as you are when you look for
someone outside of your marriage
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or outside of your church
relationship with your pastor
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to have counseling with.
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Well, I also think it's
important for couples to
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be in the best physical health -
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all right - as possible.
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And that means that you've had
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a complete physical and that
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you've taken care of all of your
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physical health needs.
Because often times we don't
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do that. And I think women
are very guilty of doing that
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because they've
taken care of everyone else
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but they haven't
taken care of themselves.
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And so it's important that
we've had our yearly physical.
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That we've had all
of our health check-ups:
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our breast exams, our Pap exams.
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And men need to take care of
all of those health exams that
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they're supposed to
do on an annual basis.
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To not say "Oh, I'll do
it when I get around to it. "
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You know, that goes along
with keeping the body temple,
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doesn't it? Yes it does!
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And I think it's
important for us to understand
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that what you have just
shared is such a key thing.
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Because not only does the
physical support a good, healthy
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sexual life, the physical
also supports a good, healthy
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mental outlook as
well. Yes it does.
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And since that affects the
way we feel, the way we respond
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sexually as mates, that is very
important for us to make sure
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that that is done.
However, I would like to also
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say that we are not here today
to unpack all there is to know
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about sexuality in the
way of detailed sexual therapy
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or to become so intimately
involved that we go into every
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part of what is
good sexual practice.
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We're not here to share
that as much as we are to share
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the foundation that you
lay in thinking about sexual
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relationships. Because one
of the areas that is a problem
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even within marriage is that
sometimes there is such a thing
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as being able or the
possibility of doing a rape
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inside the marriage
where you force your sexuality
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or force a sexual relationship
upon your mate who is not
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prepared for it. And I think
that's because we don't always
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know the difference
between love and sex.
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Ahhhh. So there is a difference.
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You know sometimes we
equate the two. In fact,
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I think the younger generation
today equates the two.
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That sex means love,
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and that we can
enjoy being in love
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and have sex and have
no further responsibilities
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toward our partner.
It's almost recreational.
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Is that a difficulty? I
think that's a difficulty
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because there is
a big difference.
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Because we are talking
about in the image of God.
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Definitely. And
it's very important.
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And when we move into the
second part of our program today
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we are going to put up
some graphics that are going to
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discuss in detail... I'm going
to spend just about the whole
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second half of our program
discussing the difference
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between love and
sex or love and lust.
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Because it is
something that you ought to know
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as a marriage partner and
as a spouse about that which is
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healthy... that which
is a foundation for love.
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And I think that that's
what makes a Christian marriage,
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OK, and Christian sexuality
so much different than what we
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see portrayed in the media.
What we see hyped everywhere.
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And what makes a Christian
marriage so much delightful
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and makes a marriage... makes
it a marriage for a lifetime.
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That's right. Because you
are going to be able to see
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the source and the foundation
that's laid from which
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all of this should
rise and should come.
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And it is based upon
an excellent relationship
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between yourself and God.
And that relationship, again,
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in that sacred circle -
with boundaries - between the
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husband and wife. God is in
a relationship that is sexual
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with the boundaries in
place and with the right kinds
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of care for
your spousal partner.
00:13:04.10\00:13:07.72
So, when we come
back, we are going to spend
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most of the second half
discussing this, and you won't
00:13:10.98\00:13:13.75
want to miss it. So if your
husband or wife is not sitting
00:13:13.85\00:13:17.64
there, your
spouse is not with you,
00:13:17.74\00:13:18.94
you'll want to get them to come
in and you all share together.
00:13:19.04\00:13:22.23
And you'll have something
else to dialogue about.
00:13:22.34\00:13:24.55
And you'll find that
it will be delightful.
00:13:24.65\00:13:27.17
We'll look for
you in just a moment.
00:13:27.27\00:13:28.85
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Welcome back to
Marriage in God's Hands.
00:14:15.17\00:14:18.57
And today we are and have been
00:14:18.77\00:14:21.93
discussing marriage and
00:14:22.04\00:14:23.68
sexuality.
00:14:23.78\00:14:24.99
And we have some important
00:14:25.19\00:14:26.90
graphics that we are
going to share with you
00:14:27.00\00:14:29.40
as we talk about marriage
and sexuality. So, I'm going to
00:14:29.50\00:14:35.14
let you begin that because...
as the graphic comes up,
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will you please share
with us, Wilma, how we should
00:14:39.72\00:14:43.21
understand these. Well, we want
to talk about the difference
00:14:43.32\00:14:46.83
between love and sex.
And I think that's important
00:14:46.93\00:14:50.88
because I'm not sure people are
00:14:50.98\00:14:53.63
often clear about what those two
00:14:53.73\00:14:56.44
differences are.
00:14:56.54\00:14:57.84
And I think the graphic
00:14:57.94\00:14:59.35
will help people understand
what we're talking about
00:14:59.45\00:15:03.05
when we talk about the
difference between love and sex.
00:15:03.15\00:15:06.30
OK, we'll look at
the first graphic now.
00:15:06.46\00:15:08.14
And that versus sex, which is:
00:15:16.27\00:15:18.06
OK. So what we are seeing
and what we are understanding
00:15:20.43\00:15:23.81
is that sex alone
does not promote intimacy
00:15:23.91\00:15:29.67
and the growth of the
husband and wife together.
00:15:29.77\00:15:34.40
Exactly. It just
becomes an act, a physical act,
00:15:34.60\00:15:38.75
without the emotions and
the heart entering into it.
00:15:38.85\00:15:41.87
And, of course, you notice
that love requires thoughtful
00:15:41.97\00:15:45.33
conversation. So here we are
talking about the intentional
00:15:45.43\00:15:48.97
dialogue and
sharing between the two.
00:15:49.07\00:15:52.75
And that requires time. OK.
00:15:52.85\00:15:56.35
That requires commitment,
and that requires intention.
00:15:56.46\00:15:59.87
OK. Well that helps us.
00:16:00.07\00:16:01.81
Let's look at the next graphic,
then, and see what that says.
00:16:02.01\00:16:04.97
where on the other hand you find
00:16:15.53\00:16:17.87
Forever an illusion...
00:16:27.34\00:16:30.21
You mean you are always getting
there but it never really...
00:16:30.41\00:16:34.10
Having happiness and joy
is not found just with sex.
00:16:34.20\00:16:38.88
Well, it's kind of like that
pot of gold at the end of the
00:16:39.08\00:16:41.97
rainbow: you're
always trying to get there
00:16:42.07\00:16:44.50
but you never get there.
00:16:44.60\00:16:45.99
But love develops in depth,
and it requires an effort.
00:16:46.19\00:16:51.16
Um-hmm. So that means it's
something that you are going to
00:16:51.36\00:16:54.31
have to work toward and
for... Because love, I guess, is
00:16:54.41\00:16:58.04
more of a principle of relation-
ship than just a feeling.
00:16:58.14\00:17:00.74
Yes. OK. So, when you are
talking about this relationship
00:17:00.95\00:17:05.43
that involves effort,
does happiness come as a part
00:17:05.63\00:17:11.54
of the act or just at the end?
00:17:11.64\00:17:13.32
Well, I think it's a part of the
act, but happiness is something
00:17:13.52\00:17:16.95
that both people
bring to the act. OK.
00:17:17.05\00:17:19.85
So, sexuality, then, increases
when you both enter into it
00:17:20.05\00:17:24.48
with an expectation
that I am happy with you
00:17:24.58\00:17:28.81
and we are going to create
that happiness between us.
00:17:28.91\00:17:32.35
Yes. OK. And here, let's
look at the next graphic where:
00:17:32.55\00:17:36.61
OK. So that takes,
again, time... where:
00:17:41.32\00:17:44.23
Oh, wow! Now
that says a whole lot!
00:17:48.36\00:17:50.65
That sounds like if there's
not respect required for sex
00:17:51.82\00:17:55.85
then that really is something
that is just a recreation
00:17:55.95\00:18:00.34
and it's a "ME-CENTERED" thing.
00:18:00.44\00:18:02.60
I just want something for me
and I could care less about you.
00:18:02.70\00:18:06.44
Exactly. And so there is
not even evidence of caring
00:18:06.64\00:18:11.91
if it doesn't require respect,
that's just anything anybody.
00:18:12.01\00:18:17.39
Well, I've heard people say:
00:18:17.59\00:18:19.73
"Will you respect
me in the morning? "
00:18:19.83\00:18:22.02
But, will you respect me
even before I start? Exactly.
00:18:22.22\00:18:26.57
Then the respect has to be
built into the relationship
00:18:26.78\00:18:29.95
in order for love to
exist and to be sustained.
00:18:30.05\00:18:34.32
Exactly. So, again, when we
look, here is another powerful
00:18:34.52\00:18:38.99
difference between love and sex.
00:18:39.09\00:18:41.07
Because this graphic
talks... it's just very succinct
00:18:41.27\00:18:46.00
but very important because here:
00:18:46.10\00:18:48.60
Ahhh. And, of course:
00:18:51.05\00:18:52.97
You know, one of the components
we talked about in intimacy
00:18:57.13\00:19:00.36
is humor. That's
right; that's right.
00:19:00.46\00:19:02.21
And so, therefore, love
is lots of warm laughter.
00:19:02.31\00:19:07.28
And if you take
yourself too seriously
00:19:07.48\00:19:10.92
in a sexual relationship
and things do not always happen
00:19:11.12\00:19:15.46
like you imagined they might,
00:19:15.56\00:19:17.58
then it's a real
downer, isn't it?
00:19:17.68\00:19:19.84
It can be - certainly - a
very difficult thing. Whereas
00:19:19.94\00:19:21.93
if you enter into it
with joy and happiness,
00:19:22.03\00:19:24.35
your happiness is not
depending upon performance.
00:19:24.45\00:19:27.39
Ummmm, yes. And,
you know, our world
00:19:27.49\00:19:31.25
is so bent on performance.
00:19:31.35\00:19:34.93
Everything is what
does... how do you do.
00:19:35.03\00:19:38.07
How am I doING? Um-hmmm -
00:19:38.27\00:19:41.24
that there couldn't
be a lot of laughter.
00:19:41.37\00:19:43.80
So it sounds more like a
being and how you are being.
00:19:44.00\00:19:47.74
Are you being a person who is
enjoying and you can laugh about
00:19:47.84\00:19:52.63
the faux pas or that which is
a little bit less than what you
00:19:52.73\00:19:56.64
imagined because you are both
approaching it with a sense of
00:19:56.74\00:20:00.99
joy and happiness.
Yes! Joy and delight.
00:20:01.09\00:20:03.47
All right. And
then the next graphic
00:20:03.67\00:20:05.86
talks about another difference.
00:20:05.96\00:20:08.10
OK. And...
00:20:15.91\00:20:17.13
Ho, ho. Now that's
interesting, isn't it?
00:20:22.19\00:20:25.37
You know, when you stop
to think about it carefully,
00:20:25.57\00:20:29.21
that nails it,
doesn't it? I think so!
00:20:29.31\00:20:32.08
Talking about a big
behavior versus what?
00:20:32.28\00:20:36.99
Small behavioral changes
that bring about good feelings.
00:20:37.09\00:20:41.50
So we are talking about
the nuances of approaching
00:20:41.60\00:20:44.64
a sexual relationship in that
there is more than just one big
00:20:44.74\00:20:50.05
behavior. There's a lot
of things that are happening
00:20:50.15\00:20:52.93
before you even get there.
00:20:53.03\00:20:54.10
Like one book that we read
together that was a great book -
00:20:54.20\00:20:57.95
and that was about sex begins...
in the kitchen. In the kitchen!
00:20:58.15\00:21:02.19
Even before you get to the
bedroom, there's little things
00:21:02.49\00:21:05.04
you do... the things
you do between yourselves
00:21:05.15\00:21:07.85
that support one
another and... that's right...
00:21:07.95\00:21:09.55
that help one another
in other areas of life,
00:21:09.65\00:21:12.41
help to enjoy a
sexual relationship later.
00:21:12.52\00:21:16.23
There's a song that... I'm
certainly telling my age now...
00:21:16.33\00:21:19.27
that "These little
things remind me of you. "
00:21:19.37\00:21:22.37
Small behavioral changes. OK.
00:21:22.57\00:21:25.90
And then there's another
graphic that I think talks about
00:21:26.11\00:21:29.74
what happens:
00:21:29.84\00:21:31.34
OK. Here's that
feeling thing again.
00:21:39.89\00:21:43.39
Oh, ho. It sounds
like a demand to me.
00:21:47.91\00:21:51.07
Yeah. Because it sounds
like somebody is saying:
00:21:51.28\00:21:54.84
"I don't care about you but
I'm going to get what I want. "
00:21:54.94\00:21:57.71
OK. OK. That becomes very clear.
00:21:57.81\00:22:00.36
And once again it's
that "ME-CENTEREDNESS."
00:22:00.46\00:22:02.59
That ego must be fed in me,
00:22:02.79\00:22:05.95
and I must feel like a big
person because of what I do.
00:22:06.15\00:22:10.30
What happens if
you don't like me?
00:22:10.60\00:22:14.46
I don't have to.
Isn't that something?
00:22:14.66\00:22:17.27
Because if I don't
respect you or anything else,
00:22:17.37\00:22:19.61
that is not
important. Where the basic tenor
00:22:19.71\00:22:24.01
of what we are seeing about love
00:22:24.11\00:22:25.58
it's about us. OK. OK.
00:22:25.68\00:22:28.26
And I think that's real
00:22:28.46\00:22:29.85
important that it's not
00:22:29.95\00:22:31.52
the me or the you,
it's about the we or the us.
00:22:31.62\00:22:36.75
OK. US. That brings
back an important picture,
00:22:36.95\00:22:41.51
doesn't it - yes - when
you talk about the story of US.
00:22:41.61\00:22:44.19
Yes. Yeah, that's great.
00:22:44.39\00:22:46.28
Here's another thing that love
is important to think about:
00:22:46.48\00:22:51.47
The graphic says:
00:22:51.57\00:22:53.25
Um-hmm... where:
00:22:56.48\00:22:57.98
Wow! Now that is a
picture that's startling.
00:23:01.19\00:23:06.02
Why startling? I mean,
if you don't require respect
00:23:06.22\00:23:10.53
it's one big behavior,
it doesn't take any effort.
00:23:10.63\00:23:14.21
But love, remember,
takes small behavioral acts.
00:23:14.41\00:23:19.21
That says
something about commitment.
00:23:19.31\00:23:22.27
It does, doesn't it?
00:23:22.47\00:23:24.05
For the long run.
Not just for an instant.
00:23:24.25\00:23:27.39
Not just for a moment.
00:23:27.49\00:23:28.90
It's relationship that
builds and grows and develops...
00:23:29.00\00:23:34.64
and sustains anything...
even changes physically.
00:23:34.74\00:23:39.65
Because that happens as
we talk about the development
00:23:39.85\00:23:42.76
of marriage. And as you
get older, things change
00:23:42.86\00:23:45.65
and things have to be adjusted.
00:23:45.75\00:23:47.96
And if it's not dependent
upon a big act but those little
00:23:48.16\00:23:51.20
incremental changes and
the attention that you get
00:23:51.30\00:23:54.85
all along the way,
00:23:54.95\00:23:56.01
that is an
important thing to understand.
00:23:56.11\00:23:58.82
And then there's another
point of this when you look at
00:23:59.02\00:24:01.61
the comparison
between love and sex.
00:24:01.71\00:24:04.07
The next graphic says:
00:24:04.27\00:24:06.53
Oh, OK. And?
00:24:15.18\00:24:18.09
Oh, ho, ho. Ah, yes.
00:24:27.72\00:24:30.77
That is seemingly what we
get from the world around us
00:24:31.28\00:24:37.26
that is not
even the human world.
00:24:37.36\00:24:40.63
Because that sounds more like
an animal reaction and response.
00:24:40.93\00:24:46.37
Well I'll let you say that.
00:24:46.47\00:24:47.87
Because we see that it doesn't
00:24:48.07\00:24:50.96
take animals acculturating
00:24:51.06\00:24:55.03
to each other or developing
00:24:55.13\00:24:57.82
anything. It's either this is
00:24:57.92\00:25:00.36
the time, the instinct,
or the dog that is in heat,
00:25:00.46\00:25:03.98
or whatever...
and then you move on.
00:25:04.08\00:25:06.50
What you have just shared
talks about a life together.
00:25:06.70\00:25:10.75
That's true. You can't
really develop good sexuality
00:25:10.95\00:25:14.64
unless you've got the
promise of many tomorrows.
00:25:14.74\00:25:17.49
That's very true. And I think
that what happens particularly
00:25:17.69\00:25:23.26
in a marriage
that's for a lifetime.
00:25:23.36\00:25:25.62
People find as they age that
things aren't what they were
00:25:25.72\00:25:29.93
when they were younger. Um-hmm.
And so when we talk about
00:25:30.03\00:25:33.86
love and sexuality
through the seasons of life -
00:25:33.96\00:25:37.40
yes - those
things change as well.
00:25:37.50\00:25:40.32
And that doesn't mean that
there is love more or less.
00:25:40.52\00:25:44.38
It's just different. OK.
00:25:44.48\00:25:46.42
You know, I would like to
suggest... if you haven't...
00:25:46.62\00:25:50.05
Read the Song of
Solomon, a tremendous book,
00:25:50.16\00:25:54.00
to understand the very
specialness of approaching
00:25:54.10\00:25:57.11
sexuality and intimate
relationships and growing
00:25:57.22\00:26:01.17
and developing
that relationship.
00:26:01.27\00:26:02.70
God put the Song of
Solomon there for a reason.
00:26:02.90\00:26:05.42
And that's to help us
to understand married love.
00:26:05.62\00:26:08.79
You know, this is something
really we need to pray about
00:26:09.19\00:26:12.11
because the world is attacking
it and is not supporting
00:26:12.21\00:26:16.57
the Christian and
Biblical sexual relationships
00:26:16.67\00:26:20.65
in marriage. Loving Father,
00:26:20.75\00:26:23.43
there is so much in
the world that is annoying
00:26:23.53\00:26:28.19
and beginning to
affect all of us.
00:26:28.29\00:26:31.94
And unless we really focus
in with You on the Word of God,
00:26:32.14\00:26:36.09
we cannot understand
how to grow our marriage.
00:26:36.19\00:26:39.24
And especially in this very
special gift... in sexual love
00:26:39.34\00:26:43.44
for married couples.
Lord, we are so thankful
00:26:43.54\00:26:46.89
for Your Word and thankful
for the fact that You know us,
00:26:46.99\00:26:50.75
You created us,
and You have a plan
00:26:50.85\00:26:53.38
for every part of our lives.
00:26:53.48\00:26:55.28
Help us to listen to You
and to be open to Your Spirit.
00:26:55.48\00:26:59.37
In the name of Jesus
we pray, Amen and Amen.
00:26:59.57\00:27:03.47
You know, this can be
a very tremendous area
00:27:04.38\00:27:07.46
for us to share together as
couples knowing that closeness
00:27:07.56\00:27:13.50
and developing
something that's slow and steady
00:27:13.60\00:27:16.63
and ongoing...
that it's best that way.
00:27:16.74\00:27:19.45
God has given us something
very special and unique.
00:27:19.65\00:27:24.64
A gift for us to be
able to enjoy and experience
00:27:24.74\00:27:28.97
sexual love in a Biblical way.
00:27:29.07\00:27:32.07
And that's going to be
something that we can treasure
00:27:32.27\00:27:35.29
for the rest of our
lives. And we hope that you will
00:27:35.39\00:27:37.78
with your spouse enjoy
and appreciate and develop
00:27:37.88\00:27:42.15
that special
love. God bless you!
00:27:42.25\00:27:45.15