Participants: Willie and Wilma Lee
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000034
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:33 We are glad to be back with you. My name is Willie Lee, 00:36 your host, and our co-host is Wilma Lee. 00:40 Welcome. Today we talk about marriage and forgiveness. 00:44 And that's a very, very important topic because 00:49 it has a sense of freedom about it. 00:53 And God provides us with that freedom through forgiveness. 00:57 And we will pray with each other now as we begin. 01:01 Thank you, Lord, for knowing before we even know 01:07 how much we need You, how much we need forgiveness 01:11 and what it will do for us in our marriages. 01:15 And we ask you to be with us today to understand it 01:19 from the heart in every way. 01:22 Lord, we thank You because You have given us 01:25 the greatest model of forgiveness when You died for us 01:28 on the cross. We can't help but be amazed 01:32 that You would love us so much. 01:35 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen. Amen. 01:40 Well, today we embark on a journey... 01:44 a journey that God planned 01:48 even before the foundation 01:50 of the world. 01:51 Because He knew we'd be here and we would need to know 01:55 what footsteps to follow. And we have the footsteps of Christ 01:59 who represented forgiveness and who actually accomplished it 02:04 for us through the cross. 02:06 But a lot of times - uhh - our marriages get stuck. 02:12 And a lot of the reasons for that hinge upon 02:18 the fact that forgiveness is not being offered, 02:23 granted, or asked for. 02:28 Well, I think because 02:30 forgiveness is... 02:31 well, not forgiveness but 02:33 those two words "I'm sorry, " 02:36 "I was wrong" are probably 02:39 some of the most difficult words to say 02:42 and probably are not said. 02:45 It's just... You know that I meant it 02:48 so we don't say it. 02:50 So, acknowledgement of the need for forgiveness 02:55 is maybe the first part. We can't get to forgiveness 03:00 and we can't know how to exercise it 03:03 without an acknowledgement that someone needs to start it 03:08 somewhere. Oh, definitely. 03:10 And usually that's not something anybody wants to talk about. 03:15 Well, God didn't mind talking about it in the very beginning 03:19 after man sinned in Genesis 3:15. 03:22 The promise is based upon His setting into motion, 03:25 from the foundation of the world a plan that included forgiveness 03:30 that He would be able to grant to man and actually 03:35 take care of the sin problem that exists in our lives. 03:40 But more accurately in Jeremiah the 31st chapter 03:44 I'd like to read a verse of scripture, 03:47 a passage of scripture in chapter 31 of Jeremiah. 03:52 If you have your Bibles, you might like to turn 03:54 in your Bibles to Jeremiah 31 and read along with us. 04:00 I am reading beginning with verse 31. 04:03 It's a very important passage because it sets the base 04:09 with God's promise being fulfilled. 04:13 "The day will come, says the Lord, 04:16 when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel 04:20 and Judah. This covenant will not be like the one I made 04:24 with their ancestors when I took them by the hand 04:27 and brought them out of the land of Egypt. 04:30 They broke that covenant 04:34 though I loved them as a husband loves his wife, 04:38 says the Lord. But this IS the new covenant 04:42 that I will make with the people of Israel on that day. " 04:47 The Lord said this to them... He says: 04:51 "I will put My laws in their minds, I will write them 04:56 on their hearts. I will be their God 05:00 and they will be My people. And they will not need to teach 05:05 their neighbors nor will they need to teach their families 05:09 saying: 'You should know the Lord' 05:13 for everyone from the least to the greatest 05:18 will already know me, says the Lord. 05:21 And I will forgive their wickedness 05:25 and I will never again remember their sins. " 05:30 Wow! That's quite a promise! 05:33 First you're going to forgive 05:35 and then you're not going to remember. 05:38 And that covers both areas that we want to talk about today. 05:43 But God started it. He says I'm not asking you 05:47 to do this without My already... not... I've already done it. 05:51 I've already set it in motion. 05:53 And He says that the day will come when you won't have to tell 05:57 your neighbor because everyone will already know. 06:00 And that's a fantastic promise. 06:04 That means that God is taking the responsibility 06:07 for providing forgiveness and for getting the word out 06:11 to everyone that forgiveness is available 06:14 and that when He forgives He remembers the sin no more. 06:19 I thought it was interesting, though, that He talked about 06:22 like a husband and a wife. Um-hmm. 06:25 Does that mean that He expects husbands and wives 06:29 to forgive each other? 06:31 Well, since God says that His wife is the church, 06:35 Christ's wife is the church, 06:38 He sets that example, and in Ephesians 5 He uses that 06:43 and then talks about the mystery of Jesus Christ 06:48 as the husband of the church - the wife. 06:51 But then He says but that's also I'm talking about 06:54 husbands and wives too. 06:56 And so this is another illustration of that mystery 07:01 that God has set in motion in which He says: 07:04 "I want to build my relationships in the family 07:09 upon the way a husband and wife treat each other 07:13 with forgiving love. " 07:15 Well, I hope forgiveness isn't a mystery 07:17 because then we're really in trouble! No! No! 07:20 Oh, OK. It's not forgiveness that's the mystery. 07:22 It's how the church and Christ and husbands and wives 07:26 are supposed to be matched and mated and modeled - 07:31 oh, oh - through the family. 07:33 So, God first modeled on the cross 07:35 and in His relationship with us. 07:37 Now we are to also model that for the world 07:41 so that the world can see what forgiveness is all about 07:44 when they watch the relationships between husbands 07:47 and wives. OK. So that's a tremendous promise. 07:51 But we need to apply it in a practical way 07:53 because to just spiritualize it does not accomplish it. 07:57 I think you are right, and It think that's probably 07:59 where a lot of people get in trouble with forgiveness 08:02 because when we just move it 08:04 to the spiritual plane, 08:06 then we are really confused 08:09 about it. And I always think of David in Psalm 51. 08:13 And, you know, I have a particular affinity for 08:18 The Message. And Psalm 51:10 in The Message Paraphrase says: 08:24 "God, make a fresh start in me. Shape a Genesis week 08:29 from the chaos of my life. " Wow! 08:31 And I think that's what we're talking about when we're 08:34 talking about forgiveness. We want a fresh start, 08:37 and we want a Genesis week: creation - yes - 08:42 in the chaos of our life. Cosmos... Cosmos versus chaos. 08:45 Yes! Isn't that something? God created cosmos. 08:48 He created a perfect world, 08:51 a perfect environment. 08:53 And God says that can be 08:55 re-created through forgiveness 08:57 by coming to God and letting Him 09:00 take the chaos of our lives and creating once again 09:05 the unity and the peace that comes... that happens only... 09:09 through God. And that's the uniqueness that we want to share 09:14 with couples today. And we'd like to share 09:16 a little bit more of that with you. 09:19 So, I guess one of the first things that has to happen 09:23 with forgiveness is that you have to acknowledge 09:26 that you need to be forgiven. 09:28 Well, I think it's that AND 09:31 sometimes the acknowledgement needs to be 09:36 that forgiveness is needed in the relationship. 09:41 Too often we want to place the blame on one person 09:45 and then say that person needs to acknowledge 09:51 they are wrong and ask for forgiveness, and I'm not 09:55 going to say anything or do anything until that happens. 09:58 Oh, you mean it takes two? 10:00 Oh, we are back to dialogue again? Again! 10:04 Back to dialogue. The dialogue needs to take place 10:07 so that each of us in the marriage... 10:09 both the husband and the wife... 10:11 must see the marriage as needing help, 10:15 the marriage as needing support, 10:18 the marriage as needing power to move and to grow. 10:22 And if we both work toward it and not worry about 10:26 who needs to get the forgiveness peace started, 10:29 but let both work toward forgiveness taking place. 10:33 Ah, so now we are talking about commitment. That's right. 10:37 Because we are committed to this marriage relationship - 10:41 that's right - and we want it to last for a long time, 10:45 so we will dialogue about how we work this thing out. 10:48 That's right. And not necessarily just the blame 10:52 but to admit how I feel about not having forgiveness 10:56 being processed and not having reconciliation taking place. 11:00 Even Jesus spoke about that when He says: 11:03 "If you have... if someone has aught against you 11:06 or you have aught against the other, 11:08 you leave your gift at the altar and you go back and make sure 11:12 that everything is OK before you come and give your gift. " 11:16 Ummm. So that means even in our personal prayers 11:18 if there is something that's hanging up 11:20 and that... making our marriage feel stuck 11:24 in one place without being able to move forward, 11:27 whether you are the person in the wrong 11:29 or maybe you have not done wrong, 11:31 you should take the responsibility 11:33 of seeing to it that there is some type of confrontation 11:37 in a loving way through dialogue to talk about where we 11:42 might get stuck and where we might be able to unstick it 11:46 and move forward with our relationship. 11:49 Well, you know, that's something we talked about in the 11:51 gifts of the Spirit: 11:53 the willingness to have a sweet relationship. 11:58 Yes! And you know, we are not alone. 12:03 The world has understood that there cannot be a completion 12:08 of reconciliation in a marriage relationship between two people 12:13 unless forgiveness takes place. 12:15 They don't want to acknowledge God necessarily in the world 12:18 but they have done research and have found out 12:21 that when forgiveness takes place there is progress 12:25 and growth in relationships 12:28 and that the relationship gets off of that sticky part 12:33 and moves on and flourishes when forgiveness takes place 12:37 in a relationship. So, without talking about God - 12:40 wow - even the world is understanding that forgiveness 12:44 is a necessary part of relationship building. 12:47 That's interesting. And here God has told us 12:50 this so long ago, and all we have to do 12:53 is acknowledge and use what He gives us. 12:56 That's what it comes down to. 12:59 And that's why we are going to spend some time today talking 13:02 about forgiveness and the components of forgiveness, 13:05 the parts of it, and some things that we may not 13:08 have thought about forgiveness before. 13:10 So we will share some of those special times 13:13 when we come back from a short break. 13:17 But if your marriage partner is not there, 13:21 if your spouse is not with you, go get them. 13:23 Come back and let's study a little bit more 13:27 and find out how forgiveness takes place. 13:38 There are many how-to books available, but there's one 13:41 that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:44 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:46 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:50 easy-to-read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:56 and everyone in between. 13:58 Simply call or write 13:59 for your free copy of this 14:00 amazing little booklet. 14:01 A handy little tool 14:03 to help build a better marriage. 14:14 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:17 We've been talking about 14:18 forgiveness. 14:19 And forgiveness is not a foreign 14:21 thing to us because most 14:24 Christians already repeat 14:27 the Lord's Prayer, and in that prayer it says forgive us 14:31 our sins - or our debts - as we forgive 14:35 those who sin against us - or trespass against us - 14:39 our debtors. So, God has already 14:42 said that unless there's forgiveness 14:45 that we extend toward others, we cannot receive it from Him. 14:52 So, share something that will help us 14:56 in this problem area of trying to acknowledge the need 15:00 for forgiveness. You know, sometimes I think 15:03 we repeat that not realizing 15:05 what we're actually saying. 15:07 We're saying that if we don't 15:09 forgive others, 15:11 God don't forgive me. Yes. 15:14 It's almost like a covenant that we are saying 15:16 we expect to keep our part so that you will keep Your part. 15:20 Yes. And if we really thought about that, 15:24 we wouldn't take that very lightly because, you know, 15:29 it's again. It's like the company stuff. 15:31 We bring out that for outsiders but we can walk around for days 15:36 and weeks and hold grudges and issues with people 15:41 that we live with and think that's OK. 15:44 OK. But that's probably because, you know, there is not 15:49 forgiveness for some things. Aren't' there?... 15:51 Some things are just so terrible and they hurt so badly 15:54 that we need to make people jump through a few hoops 15:57 before forgiveness takes place so they won't forget it. 16:00 No, that's not our responsibility first of all. 16:06 If I recall correctly, Romans 12 tells us 16:10 that the Lord says vengeance is His and HE will repay. 16:14 So we don't get to do that. 16:16 So it's not payback? No! 16:18 Then if there's not payback, then what about these things 16:22 that I have a difficult time forgiving in others? 16:27 Are there some things that really cannot be forgiven? 16:32 We have to forgive, but that does not mean - you know... 16:36 Sometimes we say I'll forgive it but I won't forget it. 16:39 Um-hmm. No, you can't forget it because humans have this 16:44 marvelous thing that God has given us called a brain. OK. 16:47 And somewhere up there as long as you are in charge 16:51 of your capabilities and facilities, 16:53 it's there... you can't forget it. 16:56 But I Corinthians tells you that love does not keep score. 17:01 Oh, wow! If I don't keep score... 17:04 'cause I can remember how many times something has happened 17:08 to me, and I'm saying well until something changes 17:11 I'm not going to forgive. Unless that person 17:14 can promise me they are not going to do it again... 17:16 So, how do I move on from that? 17:20 And what is forgiveness all about? 17:23 Forgiveness means that the next time you do it 17:26 it's the first time. Oh! 17:29 Are you telling me that I get a fresh start every time 17:34 with forgiveness? Remember Psalms 51:10? 17:39 "Lord, give me a fresh start. " If God gives me a fresh start, 17:44 then in our relationship I give you a fresh start. 17:48 So, between us as husband and wife then, we need to make sure 17:54 that we are not holding back something or denying something 17:57 because we haven't felt like forgiving, number 1, 18:01 or either we think it's too difficult to forgive that 18:06 because it hurt too much and it was such a terrible thing. 18:10 Exactly. Because we must give forgiveness as we experience 18:15 forgiveness. Oh, so that's the basis of forgiveness. 18:19 In other words, if I have been forgiven, 18:22 if God has been willing to forgive me, 18:25 then I must not withhold forgiveness from others. 18:29 Exactly! Isn't that what we pray? 18:32 Yes it is. That IS what we pray. 18:35 It just doesn't sound quite like that because of the Bible 18:38 language the way it's been put in the Bible, 18:40 but that's exactly what that means. 18:42 So forgiving does not mean that we don't forget. 18:46 It just means that we don't 18:48 bring that up and say: "Oh, you did that before so... " 18:52 I Corinthians says we don't keep score. 18:56 OK. So, if that's the case, then forgiveness takes place 18:59 because someone has already paid? Because, obviously, 19:05 if we don't make the person pay, somebody has to pay for wrong. 19:10 So, I guess, maybe Christ must be our substitute. 19:15 Through Christ, that sin, that wrong, 19:19 has been paid for on the cross. Yes! 19:23 So forgiveness is not only substitutionary, 19:26 it's grace based - OK - because you're getting something 19:30 you don't deserve. 19:31 All right. So, you can't earn forgiveness. 19:34 No. And you can't make a person earn it... earn the right 19:37 to be forgiven. No. Forgiveness is given out of love. 19:41 So how can I be assured, then, that if I forgive you, 19:46 you won't turn around and do it again? 19:49 You can't... because I'm human. 19:52 And that's the human frailty... that it just might happen again. 19:58 But that's no reason to withhold forgiveness, because 20:01 Christ did not withhold it from us just because we might 20:06 infringe upon that again. 20:09 Exactly. Now, there is a place for dialogue, 20:12 because if I care about you - um-hmm - and you tell me about 20:15 your feelings and you tell me what my behavior did 20:19 to make you feel uncomfortable, then I'm going to be aware 20:24 that you didn't like that. And if I really, really care, 20:29 I'm going to try not to do that again. 20:31 All right. So the intention, the effort, and the willingness 20:36 for change is what you expect. 20:39 Not that it's an accomplished fact that it will never 20:41 happen again. Yes, because I am human. 20:45 I still walk with feet... not wings... 20:47 so I'm capable of hurting your feelings again. 20:51 But there's always room for forgiveness again. 20:55 All right. And that's the promise I have to be assured of 20:59 that God provides. So it's through Him that it happens. 21:02 Not me alone doing it, but Christ has done it first 21:08 and I pass it along to you as my spouse. 21:11 Well, there's another area that we are concerned about 21:16 sometimes, and that is that I may not feel like forgiving. 21:22 I may still be hurting. 21:25 I may still not have enough belief in you as a person 21:31 and I feel that if I forgive you it will set up some situation 21:37 later on that I'll be sorry about. 21:39 So, shouldn't I wait till I feel more like it... 21:43 and then when I feel better then I can forgive? 21:46 Feelings where forgiveness is concerned 21:50 don't really fit because forgiveness is a principle 21:54 not a feeling. So you're saying that the act 21:58 of forgiving is something that is done whether or not. 22:02 In other words, I release that person 22:05 I release the obligation whether I feel like it or not 22:09 because that's what God expects of me. 22:12 Exactly. See, we are back to talking about that freedom 22:14 that God gives. And that's based upon God's grace. Exactly. 22:20 Well, you know, we can go into many different aspects 22:23 of that, and I have not found in the Word of God... 22:26 I don't know about you... I have not found in the Word of God 22:28 any sin that He will not forgive 22:32 that man commits against another. 22:35 You know, in the study of God's 22:38 Word, I'm always amazed at 22:41 how longsuffering He is 22:43 and how willing He is 22:45 to forgive us. 22:46 And how, even on the cross, He was willing to say 22:50 "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. " 22:54 Yes. And if God can give up His life 22:57 and forgive in those circumstances, 23:01 I don't think there's anything in our relationship 23:04 that we can't communicate about and forgive one another. 23:09 And certainly, through prayer, 23:12 we ought to be able to work things out. 23:14 Well, that's God's plan for us, isn't it? 23:16 That we actually, through prayer, gain the opportunity 23:21 and the power to extend forgiveness. 23:24 Because it comes from God. 23:26 We cannot forgive another unless we are empowered by God. 23:31 In fact, there a special power that James talks about. 23:34 In James 5:16 he says: 23:37 "If we would pray for one another, 23:41 we would be... " What? Healed. "we would be healed. " 23:44 So there's healing available for our problems, 23:49 for our sinfulness, for our misgivings in marriage. 23:54 And if we would learn to pray, 23:57 if we would learn to pray for one another 24:01 and with one another, God would bring the healing 24:05 into our relationship and place it on a much better basis. 24:09 And that's worth reaching for, 24:12 and it will help to unstick some of those sticky issues 24:17 that stop us from growing our marriage in the right direction. 24:21 And, you know, usually that text is used for physical healing. 24:25 Um-hmm. But sometimes there are emotional hurts. 24:28 OK. Sometimes there are other types of hurts in relationships, 24:32 and God will heal those as well if we'll just pray for and with 24:37 each other. You know, you have hit upon something that 24:40 we don't often speak about. 24:43 But because of the very sensitive nature of the mind 24:49 and the heart of man... as the Psalmist says: 24:54 "Who can know it? " Because there are some parts of us 24:57 that don't really get healed until something outside of 25:01 ourselves happens. And a lot of times 25:05 we can go into depression. We can experience 25:11 real low periods because there is not the healing. 25:14 We can help each other as a couple - 25:17 yes - in promoting good health yes - 25:21 and healthy relationships - yes - through prayer and 25:24 through forgiveness. Yes. We actually set people free. 25:27 And the text says: "If Jesus makes you free, 25:32 then you are free indeed... you are free indeed. " 25:34 And that's a real joy and a real happiness. 25:37 And it provides, I feel, it has provided us 25:41 through time with the opportunity to go and grow 25:46 our marriage even further than it's ever been before. 25:49 That's what forgiveness does: it sets you free. 25:52 Well, the Word of God says: "If you confess your sins, 25:55 He is faithful and just to forgive you and to cleanse you 25:59 from all unrighteousness. " 26:01 Let's stop and pray right now, and ask God as couples 26:06 if He would not forgive us 26:08 when we have withheld forgiveness. 26:11 Dear Lord. We know that it's the human thing 26:16 that stops us from doing what is right and best for us. 26:20 But we ask you that in Your divine power 26:26 provide us now with the opportunity to see 26:30 a new thing happening in our relationship 26:33 that forgiveness can happen. 26:35 And we ask it to happen for us now. 26:39 Thank you, Lord, for forgiving us first. 26:42 And now let us share that forgiveness with each other 26:45 and experience the joy and delight that comes from 26:48 being free in Thee. In the name of Jesus we pray, 26:52 Amen. Amen. 26:54 We hope that you have exercised with your spouse 26:59 the opportunity to dialogue and to talk about those areas 27:03 of getting stuck. We can tell you from experience that 27:08 when we have allowed that to take place and we enter 27:11 into those communications with each other that would bring up 27:16 those issues and then present them to the Lord 27:18 and to each other, we feel so much better after the fact. 27:22 We may not feel better before, but I guarantee you 27:25 through faith extending yourself toward God will help you to 27:29 extend that forgiveness - yes - and it will help to free up 27:32 that relationship, and you can grow your marriage 27:35 and you can reflect the very essence of who God is 27:40 as a forgiving, loving God. 27:43 God bless you today. |
Revised 2014-12-17