Participants: Willie and Wilma Lee
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000033
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00:29 Welcome to Marriage in God's Hands.
00:32 I'm Willie Lee, your host, and I have as a co-host 00:37 with us Wilma Lee. 00:39 Welcome. 00:40 Today we're going to talk about marriage for all times. 00:44 And we have had a marriage for all times because we have been 00:48 through all times and we - hmmm - know that it takes God 00:51 to get through those times, don't we? We definitely do! 00:55 Let's pray. 00:56 Thank you, Lord, for having been with us. 00:59 And we know, dear Lord, that the same God who is with us 01:02 is also available for each and every marriage. 01:05 And we pray for Your help today. 01:09 Lord, we are thankful that you have promised that You 01:12 will never forsake us and that you will be with us 01:15 through the end of the age. 01:17 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen. Amen. 01:22 As we discuss this particular area, it's important 01:27 to understand that God 01:29 is not a stranger 01:31 to the fact that living in a sinful world 01:35 that there are challenges to maintaining marriage. 01:39 And the enemy has made it his point to at every part 01:45 and every stage of marriage to interject and to cause 01:50 difficulties. And God predicted that in 01:54 Genesis 3 verses 16 through 19. 01:57 And He told us from the very beginning through Adam and Eve's 02:02 experience that their marriage and their relationships 02:06 would be challenged. In fact, if we read very carefully 02:11 through there, there are some areas He said to the woman: 02:14 "You are going to bear children, have intense pain and suffering, 02:17 and though your desire will be for your husband, he will be 02:22 your master. " So that causes some difficulty, doesn't it? 02:25 It definitely does. 02:27 And He also talked to Adam. It says: "Because you listened 02:30 to your wife and ate the fruit I told you not to eat, 02:34 I have placed a curse on the ground 02:36 and it will grow thorns and thistles, 02:41 and it will be tough. 02:45 You will have to eat of its grains. You will struggle 02:48 to scratch a living from the ground. 02:50 All of your life you will sweat to produce food - wow - 02:54 until your dying day. " So the challenges of married life 03:00 and having things cared for for your family 03:04 were always prophesied and told that it would be difficult - 03:10 um-hmm - and it would not be easy. 03:12 And because of that, many marriages have fallen 03:15 along the way. Because of many different things. 03:20 But God gave instructions, didn't He? Yes He did. 03:22 That you must maintain your marriage and that you didn't 03:25 have permission to bail out just because it's difficult. 03:29 Um-hmm. Well, if you look into Matthew the 5th chapter 03:32 verses 31 and 32, we also hear from God through Jesus 03:37 when He says: "You have heard that the law of Moses says 03:41 a man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a letter 03:44 of divorce but I say that a man who divorces his wife 03:47 unless she has been unfaithful causes her to commit adultery. 03:50 And anyone who marries a divorced woman 03:53 commits adultery. " God says that also in 03:57 Romans 7 and in I Corinthians 7 04:02 that the only way a marriage should be dissolved 04:06 is through unfaithfulness. Or sometimes, one of the mates 04:11 deserts a marriage, or, of course, death 04:17 changes the marriage situation. 04:20 But if it's not because of those situations, 04:23 we need to be ready to live through all of the seasons 04:29 of a marriage. And there are many seasons. 04:32 Just as our weather goes through 04:34 seasons, there's spring 04:37 and summer and fall and winter. 04:40 All right. So a marriage has its own seasons. 04:45 And a family has its own seasons. 04:48 And, you know, as we have talked about... most people 04:54 only plan for the wedding... that one day - yes -and so 04:59 they are not prepared for the seasons of the marriage. 05:03 And they are very shocked to find out that the wedding 05:08 is not all that there is and that a marriage has seasons. 05:14 Well, I've heard of honeymoons even being difficult. 05:19 That honeymoons have been terrible and because of the 05:23 honeymoon being so terrible many have left their marriage 05:26 not too long after the honeymoon 05:28 because they expected more, different. 05:31 If you are a student of the Word of God, though, 05:33 you will not expect anything different than you expect 05:37 in life. The enemy, Satan, has made it his point 05:42 to destroy the marriage because the marriage, then, 05:45 grows the family. And if he destroys the marriage, 05:50 and then the family, and then you have children 05:53 that grow without having both parents, it makes it difficult 05:57 for parents to parent a child with just one 06:02 of the parents there. 06:05 So, you create a family brokenness that is cycled 06:10 over and over again. God says there is a remedy: 06:15 that He will be with you through every season, 06:18 through every change, through every difficulty. 06:21 And that's what we want to assure everyone today. 06:24 We are evidence that through difficulties God will be there 06:29 and you can come through. You have a famous saying 06:32 that "you'll get through it but it just won't look the same. " 06:36 Well, there may be some changes in the way you look, 06:39 but that's because there is experience. 06:41 And these gray hairs are for something, aren't they? 06:43 No, they are platinum - oh, they are platinum - and they are 06:45 for years of service. And you know platinum is rare. 06:48 Everybody doesn't get that. So, it's platinum. 06:51 All right. Well, we are going to be discussing and sharing 06:55 some of those things you can expect in marriage... 06:57 just in case you did not have that opportunity to know and 07:01 understand this. Some of you who have been in marriage 07:05 for a while will understand that you have been through 07:10 some of these things and how difficult it is. 07:12 Those of you approaching going through some of these things 07:15 will be made aware and so it won't catch you by surprise. 07:20 Because you need to know what you're going to be faced with. 07:24 So we have developed a graphic 07:27 that we will be going through. 07:30 And we are going to be going through it right now. 07:34 And you can read on that graphic 07:36 at the very beginning of that 07:39 graphic it says: 07:41 newlywed or newly married 07:44 couple. What are the things 07:46 that the newly married couple go through. 07:48 A newly married couple has to work through new rules 07:50 because they are establishing a new household. 07:53 So they bring rules from their 07:55 households, but that doesn't 07:58 necessarily work in the new household. 08:00 So they have to establish 08:02 new rules, and they've got to 08:03 establish interdependence 08:06 from both families of origin. 08:08 And that's a challenge... 08:11 especially if they live in the same town. 08:15 And so they also have to 08:17 establish how they separate 08:19 from those same families of origin. 08:23 Let us go ahead and discuss these areas that we have 08:28 read through. What about that first area? 08:32 Work through new rules. 08:35 If you have a new household, you need new rules. 08:38 You've got new dishes, new china, new linen. 08:42 Everything needs to be new. 08:44 OK. So there are also new rules about roles in the home 08:48 and things like that. Is that what you're talking about? 08:50 Because you are bringing some things different from each house 08:55 and so you have to establish your own rules 08:56 in your new house. Yes. OK. 08:58 And what about the next area? 09:00 Establishing the interdependence 09:05 with both families of origin. How does that work? 09:08 Well, you know, you've been 09:10 dependent - um-hmm - and you are 09:13 no longer dependent 09:15 and you don't cut yourself 09:16 totally off. But now there's a new relationship... 09:20 so you are interdependent. 09:22 You are adults, but there is an 09:26 adult relationship. And that's usually very difficult 09:31 to establish because I think it's difficult for parents 09:34 to really let you go. 09:36 And it's a challenge if you live in the same town. 09:40 It's probably not as difficult if you don't 09:43 live in the same town. 09:44 But a lot of couples do start out their new marriage 09:47 in the same town as parents. 09:49 And what if you are...? Let's say there are two 09:52 independent people who have left a previous marriage or 09:58 have never been married before but they are independent 10:00 Now they are moving into or either they have their previous 10:04 families like a blended family or a step-family that are 10:07 involved. What does that say about what they have to 10:10 establish? That, too, is a challenge because you've got 10:14 then if it's a blended family you've got a group of families 10:20 then to combine. And that goes back to rules then. 10:24 How does this work? Who sets discipline if there are children 10:29 in families? So there are a number of things that you really 10:32 have to talk about to make this work. 10:35 And all of this talks about separating from the family 10:37 of origin. That's always a thing that's most difficult 10:42 for that newly-married couple who were dependent upon their 10:46 families before. And you continue to be dependent 10:49 upon these families in ways that you don't realize - OK - 10:52 until you establish a new union. 10:55 OK. We are going to move to our next graphic now 10:57 which talks about a family with young children. 11:00 What are those particular components? 11:13 OK. Well, that's pretty clear, 11:15 and I think that we need to establish exactly what it 11:18 talks about in balancing pressures of parenting 11:22 with couple hood. That's a difficult area. 11:25 And I think especially so in our society now because our 11:29 society is very child focused. Um-hmm. It always talks about 11:33 what do children want; what do children need? 11:36 And we don't always focus on our coupleness because 11:40 if you listen to all the voices around you 11:43 you'll feel guilty about worrying about coupleness. 11:47 OK. And so you still need to do that and nurture young children 11:50 at the same time. Yes. 11:51 And having young children is very demanding. 11:55 In fact, you don't get enough sleep. 11:57 You don't get enough time. So it is a very fine line 12:01 that you have to walk. That means that if the children 12:05 are now involved, then the time that used to be ours 12:07 belongs to children now instead of just us. 12:11 Yes. OK. So how do we adjust the role expectations? 12:16 What are we going to have the most difficulty with? 12:18 Ummm, making sure that parent is a neuter word in so that 12:23 fathers become a part of the parenting experience 12:27 and that it's not all Mommy. 12:29 Oh, my. Wow! 12:33 And that's moving into a new age 12:35 because we have the age now 12:38 where both parents work. 12:40 Does that means that Mom is 12:41 going to work away from the house and then come back and 12:44 do all of that and Dad does nothing? 12:47 That's what you're talking about. 12:48 How are you going to balance that as well? Right? 12:50 Yes. But Mom has always worked in most households. 12:54 OK. She's worked in the house and out of the house, right? 12:57 Yes! So there are challenges in adjusting to this period 13:01 of time. You can see now where just talking about these first 13:05 two areas that there are real challenges that you need 13:10 the grace of God going through these very things. You need 13:13 to provide each other with grace and patience as well. 13:16 And we want you to be patient with us, too, because we've got 13:20 some more of these discussions because we've got some more 13:23 stages of development coming up for the marriage and the family. 13:26 So stay with us and come right back, 13:28 and we'll be back shortly. 13:39 There are many how-to books available, but there's one 13:42 that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:45 How You Can Build A Better Marriage. 13:47 Bible-based matrimonial advice is given in a light-hearted, 13:51 easy-to-read manner for those contemplating marriage, 13:54 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:57 and everyone in between. 13:59 Simply call or write 14:00 for your free copy of this 14:01 amazing little booklet. 14:02 A handy little tool 14:04 to help build a better marriage. 14:16 Welcome back to Marriage in God's Hands. 14:19 We have been discussing the 14:21 stages of marriage and family 14:23 development, and we have already 14:25 gone through a couple of graphics on newly-married 14:29 couples and their challenges. 14:31 And then moving on to families with young children. 14:34 So after that, we get to another stage, 14:38 and discuss this graphic with us now that's talking about 14:43 family with adolescents. 14:45 I guess this is probably the one where most families 14:49 pull out their hair... because it's a time when you are 14:52 preparing children for adulthood and you're providing 14:57 responsibility balanced with support and authority. 15:01 You mentioned pulling out hair. Why? 15:08 Because you... look at it: 15:10 you're preparing children for 15:12 adulthood. And that means that 15:15 you're really... The Bible says 15:18 that "the evil stirreth up the nest. " 15:21 And you're stirring up your nest because you're preparing them to 15:26 really fly. You're launching eagles. 15:29 OK. And launching eagles is difficult? YES! 15:33 Now don't you just push them and let them fly? NO! 15:36 Because looking at the other part, that means that you're 15:40 doing support with authority. Oh, that sounds like a difficult 15:46 balance, isn't it - yes, yes - for... Who does that? 15:49 Does the mother do this? Because Dad's gone to work so... 15:52 obviously the wife is gonna... Wait a minute! Back up, back up. 15:55 Parent is a neuter word - OK - that applies to both people, 15:59 mother and father. And you must remember 16:03 that this person you are parenting is full of 16:06 raging hormones. Well, that must put some strain, obviously, 16:10 on the relationship. Because the relationship 16:14 between the husband and wife, that marriage relationship, 16:18 now has in it the stresses that come from creating 16:23 a new dynamic dealing with these emerging hormones 16:29 that are flying all over the place and they are challenging 16:32 the manhood of the father and the womanhood of the mother. 16:37 And if you just think about where parents are 16:42 in this process in their lives, 16:45 this is usually at some point in their career where they are 16:49 being challenged with stressors from their job or something else 16:55 and then you've got this person at home that you don't know 16:59 who they may be at any given time. So it's kind of crazy! 17:05 A lot of crazy making a lot of changes. So, uhh... 17:09 The parents are re-defining their personal goals. 17:12 Is that one of the issues that husbands and wives have to 17:17 work out this marriage now? You're beginning to shift. 17:20 You thought you'd be able to do this but now it looks like 17:24 it might be delayed or you might have to move into a 17:27 different area of expertise as far as your job is concerned. 17:32 Or where you're going as a family period. 17:35 And of course now... It used to be you worked for a company 17:38 until you retired, and that doesn't work anymore. 17:42 And stayed in the same town... because companies suddenly 17:46 merge, go offshore - um-hmm - whatever. And then you're 17:51 trying to figure out... Can I educate this child? 17:54 And so there are lots of crazy things going on. 17:58 And you don't exactly know what to do. 18:02 So does it make it easier, then, if they are home-schooled? 18:05 No, you still have to prepare them for adulthood. 18:10 Ahh. Which means what as far as preparing them for adulthood 18:16 and they are at home... they are not with other children. 18:19 So socially what's happening to them? You've got to stir up 18:21 the nest. They are supposed to leave your nest. 18:24 So you are supposed to challenge how you interact with the world 18:28 around you. Yes. And help show them from practical ways how 18:32 to emerge. Because if they are in home school, that means they 18:36 are not developing relationships with children 18:39 every day who are from other families at school, exactly, so 18:43 there are challenges for the husband and wife to create 18:47 environments where they can merge their children 18:51 with the world and at the same time they merge their own lives 18:56 with the world. Because isn't it a challenge for a mother 18:59 to get out beyond even her children and to, 19:02 if she is at home with the children, for instance, to 19:05 have her own set. Sure it is. So, you know, at some point 19:11 you want to know am I more than just a wife and mother. 19:15 Will I ever have a time when I am introduced as somebody's 19:19 mother or am I somebody? Wow! Well, you know, you brought 19:26 something to our minds and to our lives now that we are really 19:29 going to have to look at. So, let's go to our next graphic 19:32 and we are going to talk about what you've introduced 19:35 that fits. We are talking about launching our families. OK. 19:38 So now we have to help young adults establish independent 19:42 lives, and then parents need to re-define personal goals. 19:47 OK. So this is just a little bit further ahead but it's 19:53 some of the same things. Yes. But the children are older. 19:56 The marriage is older and perhaps becoming... 20:01 What? A little ho-hum? 20:04 Yes, but you know what we're finding is that young adults 20:10 don't like to leave the nest. Umm. 20:13 And they're coming back home and staying - Wow! - longer. 20:16 Oh, so we're dealing with "in-dependence. " 20:20 And I say independent because they're not as independent 20:24 as they are pretending to be. Yes, because they like 20:27 parental lifestyle. What is that parental? 20:30 What are you talking about? Parental lifestyle? 20:33 Well see, they want to have everything that Mom and Dad have 20:36 um-hmm - but they want it now. 20:38 And Mom and Dad are saying finally we are getting to the 20:41 place where we can have our lives back - yes - 20:44 and we can have our house back - yes - and can do things 20:46 we have always dreamed about doing - yes - as a husband 20:49 and wife and now... they're here. Oh! 20:52 They're still here. Oops! 20:55 Ahh. So that's a challenge, isn't it? 20:57 Very much so. Because you can't have grown people 21:01 living in your house but wanting to have the advantages 21:06 of not being grown. 21:08 Wow! So those are challenges, and we must say even right 21:13 here that this looks a little bit different in every home, 21:15 doesn't it? Yes it does. 21:17 Because it depends upon the 21:18 husband and wife. It depends 21:19 upon your relationship with 21:20 the Lord. How that's developed and grown. Yes, it does. 21:23 And also how you have helped, at every stage, to introduce 21:27 your children to God and helped teach them how to have a 21:30 relationship that is unique and special with God for themselves. 21:33 And then we go back to talking about boundaries again. OK. 21:37 Because the establishment of 21:39 boundaries will then decide 21:42 whether young adults will really 21:43 feel comfortable coming back to 21:46 the parental home to establish themselves. Ahhh. 21:50 Wow! These are a lot of challenges. And it takes 21:54 good communication between a husband and wife. 21:58 The marriage must continue to be viable and communicative 22:03 during all of this time... especially during the stresses. 22:06 So you should have developed... And if you haven't developed 22:09 that kind of communication system and a relationship with 22:12 the Lord that you share together in your marriage, 22:15 then those are primary in order to help 22:20 your young adults to really find God for themselves 22:25 and to be launched into the world. 22:27 Well let's go to our final graphic. 22:30 That final graphic talks about empty nest and retirement. 22:34 All right. Where couples then... 22:46 Umm. That's kind of deep. 22:49 Yeah. Normally people don't like to talk about these things. 22:54 And if you have not developed all along the way 22:58 and adjusted your lives as a couple to the changes 23:04 that have been taking place, when you get here, 23:06 there may be insurmountable challenges. That's right. 23:10 Because, again, if you've been totally child-focused, 23:16 - um-hmm - then maybe you're not really important to each other. 23:19 Wow! That means there's nothing between you 23:23 that you can share and enjoy 23:27 if it's only been children before. That's right. 23:30 And so that means that you don't have any goals that are 23:35 not child-focused because you don't know this person. 23:38 This person isn't your friend. Um-hmm. 23:40 You have nothing in common, so you really do have an 23:44 empty nest... and that's all. 23:47 So, an empty nest, then, is not really a positive thing 23:53 if you think of it in those terms. 23:55 I think we have tried to change that. 23:58 And we started long before the children even began thinking 24:02 thinking about leaving; we began talking about the time when we 24:05 would have a renaissance marriage. 24:07 That we'd get a re-birth to our years that we enjoyed 24:12 before the children got there and when we would travel 24:15 and do things uniquely for us and develop that kind of 24:20 life purpose. So here we are talking about 24:23 establishing this importance for each other. 24:28 The best way to do it is to establish it now 24:31 so when you get there it will be like a breath of fresh air. 24:35 And the freedom that you've always expected will be yours 24:38 and you'll know each other as this couple who have learned 24:43 to grow together. That's true. 24:46 And I guess really the preparation for the loss of a 24:49 spouse goes back to celebrating uniqueness. 24:53 Because that means that you have developed all of the gifts 24:56 and abilities that God has given you so that you are not just 25:01 sitting around being totally dependent on the other person. 25:07 You know how to take care of yourself. 25:10 You do have a life. You do have interests. 25:14 You do have your own set of friends. 25:16 Now, one unknown quantity that we haven't talked about 25:19 is having to deal with an aging parent 25:23 even previous to now and in this period of time. 25:27 That's true, that is true. 25:29 These are things you must talk about and discuss. 25:31 Yes, and they do happen. And, of course, these stages 25:37 of development are never this orderly. 25:39 But they do happen in life and they are things to consider 25:43 because they do happen to families 25:46 and you need to be aware of them. 25:48 So that gives us a lot to communicate about. 25:50 A lot to grow toward, including growing toward the fact that 25:54 we may lose one another some- where in this period of time 25:59 or even before this period of time, and we need to be 26:01 prepared. Being proactive and planning your life 26:06 with your partner, with your spouse, is important. 26:10 And you need God's help through all of this. 26:12 Let's pray for ourselves and the couples who are watching now. 26:16 Dear Lord. There are so many things that You know 26:20 about us and about our future that we do not know 26:24 about ourselves. Lead us and help us to 26:26 follow You as we prepare for each stage of our marriage 26:31 and our development. And because You love us, Lord, 26:34 we know that there is nothing that You would do 26:37 that would harm us. 26:38 And we thank You for your love and care. 26:41 In the name of Jesus we pray, Amen and Amen. 26:45 The one thing we haven't talked about is the fact that 26:48 as you have grown to the age where you might lose one another 26:54 there is always the hope of the resurrection 26:58 and the coming of Jesus Christ 27:01 where families are united. Where couples and marriages 27:06 will once again take on significance. 27:09 Because it prepares you to accept the inevitable. 27:12 But at the same time, the greatest inevitable 27:16 if you are a Christian couple, is looking forward to the 27:20 coming of Jesus Christ and being in the New Earth with Him. 27:24 We hope that you are making these plans. 27:26 We hope that you, like we have done, 27:29 are basing our faith on our relationship with God 27:33 as well as with one another. 27:35 He has us in His heart, and He has prepared a place 27:39 and He is ready for us. I hope that you are getting ready too. 27:43 God bless you. |
Revised 2014-12-17