Welcome to Marriage in
God's Hands. I'm Willie Lee,
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your host, and our co-host,
because she is married to me
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- is Wilma Lee. -
Welcome. Today we're going
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to talk about
about a sacred circle.
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And as we talk about that
sacred circle let's enter into
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the sacred right now with
prayer. Thank You dear Lord
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for all that you do for us as
couples. And we know dear Lord
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that marriage is ordained of God
and we want You to ordain our
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marriage and
make it holy unto God.
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Lord, we rejoice because
You ask and answer all prayers
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that are a joined to You, and
we rejoice because You've agreed
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to come and be in this
circle. So we thank You for Your
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presence, and we thank You
for all that You will do for us,
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in the lovely name
of Jesus we pray, amen.
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Today we're going to
discuss something that is a very
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important dynamic in marriage
relationships and the family.
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As goes the family, or should
I say, as goes the marriage
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also goes the family, and
it's very important for us
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to understand that we set
the tone for our family members
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by how we relate to
each other in our marriages,
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so we have something very
special that we want to share
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- today. - You
know, we have talked
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around it, we have talked
about it, but we have never
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specifically talked to this
point, and it's an important
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part of marriage. We've talked
about leave, we've talked about
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cleave, but how do you do
that in the setting that God
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requires, so we have to
talk about this sacred circle.
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What is it?
What is it all about?
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And how does it apply
to a Christian marriage.
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Well, first of all, I
think we need to introduce you
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to the sacred circle,
so we're going to read from
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"Happiness Homemade", pages
45-46. This particular passage
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in that book addresses the
sacred circle and we're going
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to read it. It will come
on the screen so read along
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with us please. [Text on screen]
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This is the sacred circle
that we've been talking about
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in other ways because we
first described the relationship
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that Adam and Eve had in
the garden, as God in the center
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and Adam and Eve with Him in
that circle. Both of them had
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a relationship with God, both
of them were within that circle,
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and around them no one should
have intruded in the marriage
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and that's where the trouble
began, when Eve allowed someone
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else to speak about their
relationship to God and cause
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doubt about the
viability of that relationship.
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And that was the problem.
With that entered shame,
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with that entered blame, and
we know the rest of the story,
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- we're still living it.
- Now, there's some of you
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who may have experienced some
of these things in your marriage
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where you had a core, a
center, in which God was there,
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but others may have tried to
come in, or may have been let in
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by someone in the marriage, and
we're here to talk about that
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today. Just reflecting on what
we read, it's an illustration
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of that a simple a fact as
someone making light, or making
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a joke, or making the wife or
the husband the butt of a joke,
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or laughing at some faux pas, or
some error that had been made,
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or a way of cooking, or a way
of dressing, or a way of acting,
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you tell it as a joke to
your friends and they all laugh
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at the expense of your spouse,
it creates hurtful feelings
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and it has gone across a
boundary in which you've taken
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that which is very personal and
shared it with someone outside
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- of that marriage. -
That was an interesting
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- word you used, "boundary".
- Yeah, boundary is something
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that is very special.
If we can imagine a circle
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and in that circle is the
husband and wife, with God,
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there is a boundary, we're told,
in this particular reading,
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that no one should
meddle in that boundary.
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Of course, in the next circle,
the concentric circle outside
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of that are the children,
and it even said "Do not cross"
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"the boundary into that",
there's some people who should
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not even meddle in your
family affairs from outside.
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It's others who are
others who are outside of that,
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let's talk about who
some of those others might be.
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- Parents. - The
parents of the mother
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- and father? - The
general term is "in-laws".
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Oh, in-laws, now that hits it
right on the head, doesn't it?
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Okay, some people here
call them "out-laws" at times.
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Now I didn't say that,
I'm going to let you say that.
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Yeah, but we're saying "in-laws"
of those who are a part
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of our family by
blood of either spouse.
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- Yes. - And
they're our friends,
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they're close friends, even best
friends, a lot of times there's
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discussions about the
marriage, discussions about
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the relationship, of
difficulties, and we shared
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with everybody but the
spouse, the spouse might
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be the last to
know how we might feel
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- about some things. -
True, and of course, in church
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circles there's
the church family.
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Oh my, that's another
boundary, because a lot of times
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the discussion among the
church is what's happening in
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- so-and-so's
family. - "Did you know... "
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- Oh my, let's not go there.
- Well, I wasn't, but you know
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we think about this, and
it's very real, and you could
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equate it to what you see
advertised as invisible fencing.
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There's this boundary that
you don't know about, but you've
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crossed it, but this reminds us
that there are boundaries that
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we cross, and when we
do that we're in trouble.
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Boundary crossing creates pain,
it creates mistrust, or distrust
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in one another, because if
we take something out of our
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close, intimate relationship
and share it with someone we're
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not married to, even if it's
our own children, we're crossing
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a boundary. Some things are
to stay right there and to be
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worked out within that
circle with the Lord, and not be
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shared with others. A
good illustration of that
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is a simple thing like
locks on doors...in bedrooms.
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Sometimes children don't know,
they have to learn, that some
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places you don't go if that
door is closed, and of course,
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a little child doesn't know
if the door is closed, that's
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there for them to open
it, but when it's locked,
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that means "Do not
come in at this time".
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Exactly, and even if you
knock and the door is locked,
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then that's a message to
you "this is a boundary".
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So there are certain things
that we are to be aware of,
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and the Bible speaks to some of
those things, and we can recall
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some boundary crossing,
not just in the garden of Eden,
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but let's move on down to
when even Noah with his family,
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celebrating the good
things. They were out of the ark
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and in Genesis we
understand that Noah had gone in
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and forgot to drape himself
as he fell asleep being full of
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whatever they were taking.
Of course, someone looked in
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and saw him without the
clothing, and the Bible spoke of
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that as a boundary that
shouldn't have been crossed.
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We get down to
Abraham's time with Sarah.
00:11:06.39\00:11:11.17
Oh yes, that's a boundary we're
all experiencing still today
00:11:11.20\00:11:15.15
because Sarah told Abraham "Take
my maid, Hagar", and out of that
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union was born Ishmael. And
Ishmael's children, and Isaac's
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children continue to fight
over that birth right today.
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So crossing that boundary
created generations of problems
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for those families in that
system that came out of that
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mating with Hagar, who was
an Egyptian, who was not a part
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of the promise and there
was argument, discussion and
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disagreement about who was
going to get the inheritance.
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Yes, because God made a promise
to Abraham and Sarah, and God
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- keeps His
promises. - That's right.
00:12:04.74\00:12:07.30
Not always in our time frame,
but He does keep His promise.
00:12:07.33\00:12:11.43
And there was some blessing
that came to Hagar just being
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in that very blessed
family, and to Ishmael as well,
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but the inheritance was not
to be His, God had said how He
00:12:19.80\00:12:25.20
wanted the inheritance to
go. God gets the right to set
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boundaries, and when He sets
them, that means that when we
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cross them that we have
created a sinful situation that
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there are repercussions and
there are consequences that we
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may feel for
generations following.
00:12:43.98\00:12:46.22
- True. - So we
want to learn what
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some of those boundaries might
be, and how they might pop up
00:12:49.36\00:12:52.22
in our homes, and some of you
may already known where there's
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boundary crossing in
your household, or in your
00:12:56.87\00:13:01.51
relationship with your mate,
and with in-laws, or with church
00:13:01.54\00:13:07.94
family even, getting involved
in your business. So some
00:13:07.97\00:13:12.81
of you are ready for us to
talk about that a little bit,
00:13:12.84\00:13:16.91
and create some understanding
of how to avoid that.
00:13:16.94\00:13:20.86
And we'll be ready to do that,
but we're going to break away
00:13:20.89\00:13:23.37
for just a few moments, and
then we'll be back to talk about
00:13:23.40\00:13:26.37
the sacred circle and
the boundaries that shouldn't
00:13:26.40\00:13:29.89
be crossed.
00:13:29.92\00:13:31.41
There are many "How to"
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hearted, easy to read manner for
those contemplating marriage,
00:13:50.04\00:13:53.56
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little booklet, a handy little
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marriage.
00:14:04.27\00:14:06.18
Welcome back to
Marriage in God's Hands.
00:14:15.14\00:14:18.95
We've been talking about
boundaries, the sacred circle,
00:14:18.98\00:14:24.67
the husband and wife God
has placed in a sacred circle.
00:14:24.70\00:14:28.45
And we can appreciate that,
and we have learned through
00:14:28.48\00:14:33.98
difficult situations that
it's not always easy to maintain
00:14:34.01\00:14:38.49
that circle because everybody
thinks they're getting into
00:14:38.52\00:14:41.80
something special if they
can get inside and do whatever
00:14:41.83\00:14:45.06
they do inside your circle.
But there are really some very
00:14:45.09\00:14:51.37
difficult boundaries to
know about and to understand.
00:14:51.40\00:14:55.72
Maybe you could help us
from your perspective as you've
00:14:55.75\00:14:59.43
worked with families and you've
seen different roles, and you've
00:14:59.46\00:15:03.52
seen different things happening
that sort of become contentious
00:15:03.55\00:15:10.19
when we don't know what those
boundaries are because they're
00:15:10.22\00:15:12.96
- expressed in different
ways. - Well, I think one of
00:15:12.99\00:15:15.99
the things that happens is
that we look at the family from
00:15:16.02\00:15:21.65
which we came first of
all, and we have a role in that
00:15:21.68\00:15:24.74
family where there's a
birth order, so we may be first,
00:15:24.77\00:15:29.72
second, or the youngest, and
that's our role in that family.
00:15:29.75\00:15:35.75
So there's the challenge from
the family from which we come
00:15:35.78\00:15:40.83
to not assume that role
when we go back in that family
00:15:40.86\00:15:45.63
grouping. And that often happens
when we go to family reunions,
00:15:45.66\00:15:51.60
weddings, whatever the
occasion is, even though we're
00:15:51.63\00:15:55.15
married now to our spouse and
we've created our own family,
00:15:55.18\00:15:59.94
we drop into that role and
our spouse looks up and wonders
00:15:59.97\00:16:04.59
"who is this person,
it's not my spouse? "
00:16:04.62\00:16:07.33
Well no, that person has dropped
into their family of origin
00:16:07.36\00:16:11.27
role, and they've become
the child of the family unless
00:16:11.30\00:16:15.47
they've thought about
that before they get there
00:16:15.50\00:16:18.39
because they have to remember
what boundaries and what roles
00:16:18.42\00:16:21.89
- they fit into. - So
this goes all the way back,
00:16:21.92\00:16:24.78
then, I imagine, if you
can recall when we talked about
00:16:24.81\00:16:28.97
leaving and not cleaving
to your family of origin,
00:16:29.00\00:16:33.33
you create a new home now,
you create a new place for you
00:16:33.36\00:16:38.02
and your spouse to be
one. And when you're truly one
00:16:38.05\00:16:42.62
you can't go back to being 5 and
6 like you were in your family.
00:16:42.65\00:16:48.04
So you can't go back and share
your secrets with your brothers
00:16:48.07\00:16:50.64
and sisters, and with your
mom and dad, or go back there
00:16:50.67\00:16:54.05
and tell your mom all your
problems, or your dad all that's
00:16:54.08\00:16:56.53
going on and try to get
it fixed that way, because it
00:16:56.56\00:17:00.88
may have been okay when
you were back in that house
00:17:00.91\00:17:04.14
and they were mom and dad
and in charge of your life,
00:17:04.17\00:17:07.62
but God says when you leave the
house, now you create a family
00:17:07.65\00:17:13.00
and put a boundary around
that family, so that even your
00:17:13.03\00:17:16.31
family of origin does not have
claim on you and your wife's
00:17:16.34\00:17:21.21
- relationship. - But
you also must then must
00:17:21.24\00:17:25.64
make some explanations one
way or another to your family of
00:17:25.67\00:17:30.77
origin so that they can't say
"This is the way that we do it",
00:17:30.80\00:17:37.63
because in your new
home that may not be the way
00:17:37.66\00:17:40.38
- you do it. - Oh,
so they may not be there
00:17:40.41\00:17:43.77
in person, is that
what you're saying?
00:17:43.80\00:17:46.34
- Uhuh. - But it
sounds like they're in
00:17:46.37\00:17:48.86
- the room. - Because
you hear these voices,
00:17:48.89\00:17:51.90
or sometimes the voice comes
out of your mouth, so you have
00:17:51.93\00:17:58.43
to make intention then
for this to be your new home.
00:17:58.46\00:18:02.85
I can remember that there was
some difficult times for us when
00:18:02.88\00:18:09.12
I would be reflecting what
my parents expected to happen,
00:18:09.15\00:18:15.16
and you were wondering "Where
in the world did this idea... "
00:18:15.19\00:18:18.14
"I thought we'd worked this
out", and here we were talking
00:18:18.17\00:18:20.95
about their expectations in our
house, but yet it was no longer
00:18:20.98\00:18:26.25
their house, so they didn't have
the right to set expectations
00:18:26.28\00:18:29.73
once I married and began a home
of my own and had my own wife.
00:18:29.76\00:18:34.10
I don't know if you've had
that problem at home, but this
00:18:34.13\00:18:37.17
happens in the best of families
because everyone wants their
00:18:37.20\00:18:40.97
family to be a good family, and
of course, good families will
00:18:41.00\00:18:44.36
always do "like we've
always done it", so there's that
00:18:44.39\00:18:47.65
- pressure, isn't there? -
Of course, it's as simple as
00:18:47.68\00:18:51.47
how people eat. My family
ate one way, your family ate
00:18:51.50\00:18:56.20
another, you had jello for
dessert, and I thought it was
00:18:56.23\00:19:00.65
- salad. - Okay,
that sounds funny,
00:19:00.68\00:19:03.99
but when it's
time to prepare a meal
00:19:04.02\00:19:07.24
and you set it out and you're
wondering "Why is dessert"
00:19:07.27\00:19:11.83
"on the table now? I thought we
were going to have that after"
00:19:11.86\00:19:14.25
"we eat. " We said
"Oh, that's the salad".
00:19:14.28\00:19:17.01
You know, that's
humorous and it's funny...
00:19:17.04\00:19:20.06
- ...Now... - ...But
if you insist on doing
00:19:20.09\00:19:22.40
it only one way and you haven't
decided as your family, is it
00:19:22.43\00:19:26.42
going to be salad, or is it
going to be dessert, or can it
00:19:26.45\00:19:29.58
be both, we have to make those
choices and those decisions
00:19:29.61\00:19:33.18
- in our lives,
don't we? - We do.
00:19:33.21\00:19:36.16
...As a new family, and that's
something humorous that we can
00:19:36.19\00:19:38.49
talk about. I don't
think there's been any real
00:19:38.52\00:19:41.42
consequences of
wars around jello, but...
00:19:41.45\00:19:43.96
- Not at our house. [Both laugh]
00:19:43.99\00:19:46.85
Not at our house, jello is
still jello, and we still choose
00:19:46.88\00:19:49.40
to like it like we like it, but
it doesn't have any consequence
00:19:49.43\00:19:52.65
beyond that. But there are
other things that happened,
00:19:52.68\00:19:56.47
more serious things, how we
manage money is one of those
00:19:56.50\00:19:58.96
area, or who manages the money.
Or who makes the most money,
00:19:58.99\00:20:04.26
and therefore gets to have their
way since they make the money,
00:20:04.29\00:20:08.67
and those things aren't
discussed, but back home I don't
00:20:08.70\00:20:11.13
care who made the money,
dad was always the one who
00:20:11.16\00:20:14.65
told everybody what to do.
So the husband gets to have
00:20:14.68\00:20:19.12
- his way no matter what. -
Well, and then there's always
00:20:19.15\00:20:22.70
the Scriptural emphasis that you
can always pull out Ephesians
00:20:22.73\00:20:27.80
- and say... -
That's Right, Ephesians 5
00:20:27.83\00:20:30.65
tells us that the man ought
to be the head of the wife,
00:20:30.68\00:20:34.75
- isn't that right? -
That's right, whether he
00:20:34.78\00:20:37.57
makes no money, or
less money, or whatever.
00:20:37.60\00:20:42.16
So how does that work when
we discuss what happens at our
00:20:42.19\00:20:46.62
house, because maybe at
your house that's how it worked.
00:20:46.65\00:20:51.87
And it's okay, but see, you can
still follow the Scripture and
00:20:51.90\00:20:57.34
have the Scripture as your
guide, but it must come from
00:20:57.37\00:21:01.09
your and your spouse's
discussions and decisions,
00:21:01.12\00:21:06.41
because God says the wife
should submit in Ephesians 5,
00:21:06.44\00:21:10.93
to her husband, but the husband
ought to lead as Christ leads.
00:21:10.96\00:21:14.97
And the last time I checked
the dictionary, submission has
00:21:15.00\00:21:18.57
to be a choice, otherwise
it's no longer submission.
00:21:18.60\00:21:21.84
That is true. So it
has to come out of those
00:21:21.87\00:21:25.73
2 people as a husband and
wife to make those decisions and
00:21:25.76\00:21:29.82
choices, and it doesn't have to
look like your home of origin,
00:21:29.85\00:21:35.77
it can be the new home, the
way it has decided, spiritually,
00:21:35.80\00:21:40.24
to have that leadership, and
it shouldn't be cast only 1 way,
00:21:40.27\00:21:45.49
it should be the source and the
product of our coming together
00:21:45.52\00:21:50.21
and being 1 in Christ.
Are there some other things
00:21:50.24\00:21:53.39
- that we ought to be aware of?
- Yes, I think we ought to pause
00:21:53.42\00:21:56.37
and talk to people who
are single parents because if
00:21:56.40\00:22:00.35
you are a single parent the
sacred circle still applies.
00:22:00.38\00:22:05.37
You can't move your child
into that circle with you,
00:22:05.40\00:22:08.85
your child's not your
equal, then you become a parter
00:22:08.88\00:22:12.69
with God in raising your
home, and then God says that He
00:22:12.72\00:22:17.35
will be whatever you need, He
says "I will be your husband".
00:22:17.38\00:22:21.71
So therefore your child
does not become your equal,
00:22:21.74\00:22:25.49
you must be the parent, your
child must remain the child,
00:22:25.52\00:22:29.65
and still, other people are
not to be involved in your life,
00:22:29.68\00:22:33.53
there are still boundaries,
there are still things you must
00:22:33.56\00:22:36.89
do as the head of your home
in concert with God leading you.
00:22:36.92\00:22:41.84
What do you mean they shouldn't
be involved in your life,
00:22:41.87\00:22:44.48
that means no body can
come into your life and be
00:22:44.51\00:22:47.36
a friend, or be involved
with anything that you do?
00:22:47.39\00:22:51.47
No, that means that you
are the head of your household
00:22:51.50\00:22:56.70
and that a single parent then
has that responsibility along
00:22:56.73\00:23:00.53
with God to lead and
to guide that household.
00:23:00.56\00:23:04.42
Okay, so it should be very clear
then that boundaries that are
00:23:04.45\00:23:09.04
created by a family, God
has given permission for those
00:23:09.07\00:23:13.19
boundaries to be around that
family, and it has already been
00:23:13.22\00:23:17.18
stated, Wilma stated
very clearly that God says
00:23:17.21\00:23:20.99
"I can be what you need,
come to Me and get that help"
00:23:21.02\00:23:25.93
"if you do not have a spouse. "
Well, let's go back to spouses,
00:23:25.96\00:23:31.99
and let's go back to boundary
crossing for just a moment,
00:23:32.02\00:23:35.34
and before we close out today
we want to talk a little bit
00:23:35.37\00:23:40.31
about Isaac and Rebecca because
they were a spouse who did some
00:23:40.34\00:23:48.31
boundary crossing.
They had twins in that home.
00:23:48.34\00:23:55.11
I guess they didn't learn
from the previous generation.
00:23:55.14\00:23:57.92
I guess not, they didn't listen
to the stories passed on down
00:23:57.95\00:24:00.72
by Abraham and Sarah because
they got into some of the same
00:24:00.75\00:24:04.82
situations with taking
favorites, and the mother
00:24:04.85\00:24:08.03
pulling 1 child in close and
triangulating that situation,
00:24:08.06\00:24:12.20
and the father
pulling in a child.
00:24:12.23\00:24:15.22
What's "triangulating"?
00:24:15.25\00:24:17.81
Well, that when you choose to
line up with someone who is not
00:24:17.84\00:24:20.71
your spouse and form an
alliance in order to accomplish
00:24:20.74\00:24:25.31
something. Whether you knew it
or not, you were triangulating
00:24:25.34\00:24:30.14
when you did that, when you
grabbed your daughter or your
00:24:30.17\00:24:33.12
son, and you had secrets
that dad didn't know about,
00:24:33.15\00:24:36.16
or you had secrets that
mom didn't know about, and that
00:24:36.19\00:24:39.13
you use that as a power wedge
to get your way for that child,
00:24:39.16\00:24:44.90
or that mom was feeling
badly and needed companionship,
00:24:44.93\00:24:48.18
so they thought that they would
get close to one of the children
00:24:48.21\00:24:51.00
and leave dad out
there. That unequal power base
00:24:51.03\00:24:57.25
is triangulation. So we have
there, in that home that's what
00:24:57.28\00:25:02.58
happened. Esau and dad against
mom and also against their
00:25:02.61\00:25:09.11
favorite son, Jacob,
at least her favorite son,
00:25:09.14\00:25:12.76
because his favorite son
was Esau. Well, we know the mess
00:25:12.79\00:25:16.40
that that made, and if you
look down in Jacob's family
00:25:16.43\00:25:20.33
- he didn't learn either. - No.
00:25:20.36\00:25:22.34
Because when you look at
the situation with boundary
00:25:22.37\00:25:25.54
crossing, he married 1
wife, Leah, and then he married
00:25:25.57\00:25:29.15
another wife, whom he
really loved later on.
00:25:29.18\00:25:32.15
But you see, it ran in
the family because Laban
00:25:32.18\00:25:36.14
cheated him into marrying Leah.
00:25:36.17\00:25:38.82
Yeah, isn't that something.
Yeah, there's boundary crossing
00:25:38.85\00:25:41.52
there, getting involved
in someone else's selection.
00:25:41.55\00:25:43.88
- The family
system had issues. - Yes.
00:25:43.91\00:25:46.55
That's a long story, but
it's interesting that at the end
00:25:46.58\00:25:50.51
of Isaac's life he had to tell
his children "Your children"
00:25:50.54\00:25:56.25
- "will be just like you".
- You set up situations that
00:25:56.28\00:26:00.92
could end up being very
difficult and very painful for
00:26:00.95\00:26:03.67
a family, so boundary crossing
is very important. We must make
00:26:03.70\00:26:08.53
sure that we do not enter into
that, that a husband and wife
00:26:08.56\00:26:12.42
as a father and mother, or
as a husband and wife, must band
00:26:12.45\00:26:15.79
together with God to secure
your home with Christ and follow
00:26:15.82\00:26:20.16
the principles that Christ has
set in the Bible, in the Word
00:26:20.19\00:26:23.06
of God so that you can create
a good family now, and a good
00:26:23.09\00:26:28.62
family in the future.
Well, it's almost time for us
00:26:28.65\00:26:32.98
to leave, and you have anything
else that you'd like to share
00:26:33.01\00:26:35.69
- before we do our final prayer?
- That if you stay in that
00:26:35.72\00:26:38.58
sacred circle with
God you can be successful.
00:26:38.61\00:26:41.90
Alright. Let's pray.
Loving Father, help us make
00:26:41.93\00:26:46.43
a sacred circle with our
spouses, and keep us honest
00:26:46.46\00:26:51.65
and open in our
relationship with You.
00:26:51.68\00:26:54.53
And Lord, we know that we can't
do this without You, so draw
00:26:54.56\00:26:58.76
Your arms around us and keep
us close to You, and we promise
00:26:58.79\00:27:03.83
to stay within Your arms,
we pray in Jesus name, amen.
00:27:03.86\00:27:10.50
Well, you've learned something
about boundaries, I'm sure
00:27:10.53\00:27:14.30
we haven't exhausted the
subject, but it's something that
00:27:14.33\00:27:16.94
you need to take back to
your circle, and that you need
00:27:16.97\00:27:20.69
to talk to your spouse about,
to make sure that you are not
00:27:20.72\00:27:25.68
crossing those boundaries and
creating difficult and painful
00:27:25.71\00:27:29.15
times for your family.
God wants you to celebrate
00:27:29.18\00:27:32.84
with joy, so enter into that
joy with Him, follow God's Word,
00:27:32.87\00:27:38.28
and God will heal your
marriage and your relationship.
00:27:38.31\00:27:43.42
God bless, until next time.
00:27:43.45\00:27:46.91