Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000026
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00:31 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:34 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:37 Today we're talking about: you too can have 00:40 a marriage that's heart to heart! 00:42 So, we hope you have a paper and pencil 00:43 as we begin today's session. 00:47 Yes we can! We've proved it haven't we? 00:50 Yes! We can have a marriage 00:53 heart to heart! 00:55 They can have one too, can't they? 00:57 Absolutely! 00:58 It's for everyone! 01:00 It's not exclusive! 01:01 But we've talked over this last number of weeks and months 01:07 about simple ways that each one of us can experience 01:11 a marriage that's truly heart to heart, 01:13 heart to heart with God and heart to heart with the one 01:17 that God has given us to spend our lives with. 01:20 So, we're gonna talk this time, 01:24 this is actually our final program for the series and 01:27 we're going to go back and look at some of the things 01:30 just to recap what God has done and wants to do 01:36 in your experience! 01:37 I like what you say: what God can do! 01:40 God can, He's the initiator of love! 01:43 And e can rekindle that love! - That's right! 01:46 He can rekindle that romance! 01:48 He can make it new again! 01:49 He can build security in a marriage He'll trust! 01:53 And that's all what God can do! 01:55 if we are willing to cooperate with Him! 01:57 With Him all things are possible! 01:59 That's right! And we have seen 02:02 marriages first hand through our own 02:06 communication with the people 02:08 dead, dying marriages, 02:11 Some that were ready to go on to the divorce courts. 02:15 We have seen those people 02:18 turn from marriages that were nearly destroyed 02:24 and be revitalized to be revived and restored. 02:28 And today they are marriages that are truly 02:31 heart to heart with God and one another! 02:34 And that's encouraging! 02:36 We've seen it in our own marriage! We had to, 02:38 not that we were heading for divorce but 02:40 we hit some pretty hard bombs at the beginning! 02:42 - That's right! - And we had to go back 02:44 and start renewing what it was 02:47 at the beginning of our relationship, 02:49 knowing that God was leading in that. 02:51 And to build from that point on, stop trying to be right, 02:55 stop trying to argue my point and get it away my way, 02:59 not any way but my way, 03:01 and see what God can do when we're 03:04 willing to work together with Him! 03:06 That's right! 03:08 We need to go right back to the beginning of the series 03:10 because we talked about there 03:13 how we could learn to become one. 03:16 And, you know, one of the things that 03:20 made an impression on me and I think some of, 03:22 probably many of our viewing audience 03:26 remember an old, old story: 03:29 Johnny Lingo. 03:31 How he came to an island and he was 03:35 looking for a wife. And if you remember the story 03:39 it's a very simple but very touching story. 03:43 On that island the native peoples there 03:46 they measured the value of the woman 03:49 that was going to be married in cows. 03:52 And, you know, they were sitting around talking about 03:56 how many cows their man had paid for them. 04:01 And Johnny Lingo comes and he finds this girl who 04:05 apparently is quit homely, shy, intimidated because of 04:09 how she had been beaten down. 04:11 Her whole life she had been beaten down and made to be, 04:14 feel like she had no self worth, no self dignity. 04:19 But Johnny Lingo saw in her 04:21 the deep things that no one else was seeing. 04:25 And you may remember if you ever saw 04:27 this or heard the story that he ended up paying 04:31 ten cows for her. 04:33 And you know, all the women of the village 04:35 were talking about, well: "She might get one cow, 04:38 or maybe two cows! ", you know. 04:40 They were four cow women and there was a five cow woman or 04:43 always different, they were bragging about 04:46 how many cows. And Johnny Lingo comes with 04:49 ten cows. And obviously her father 04:52 when he sees this 04:55 passes out from the shock of 04:57 how the value that he's putting on his daughter 05:00 to marry her. What does he see in this 05:02 in this woman? 05:04 And then he takes her away for the 05:07 the time of their honeymoon and the 05:09 time to becoming acquainted, "the two shall become one". 05:14 And when she comes back 05:16 she's hardly recognized by the people of the village because 05:20 now this woman who has been downtrodden 05:22 and has no self worth 05:25 is beautiful because Johnny Lingo has seen the beauty 05:29 of this woman. 05:30 And the message doesn't need to be lost on us! 05:35 I don't care what you have gone through, 05:38 where you find yourself in your marriage, 05:40 we can begin and ideally both husband and wife begin 05:45 to place the real value that God has on us 05:49 and the real desire of what He can make us 05:52 as husband and wives we can have 05:54 a marriage that's heart to heart! 05:57 And so, when we begin with "the two shall become one" 06:02 we talk there about how that can happen, how we need to 06:07 allow God to work in us that 06:09 I can make a view the things God wants me to help you 06:13 to become the woman that God wants you to be and vice versa. 06:17 That's what marriage is about, it's to improve 06:19 both of us, right? - That's right! 06:20 And so we're no longer Me! It's the "us focus"! 06:23 - That's right! - And that's what we talked 06:25 about next: how do we move from what I want and my focus, 06:30 my selfishness in the marriage to think about how 06:33 the decisions and the things we do 06:35 affect us in the marriage. Our communication 06:38 how we spend our money all these things 06:41 that are very important in a marriage 06:44 that it's done mutually: 06:46 Us! - That's right! 06:48 Our thoughts are about us instead 06:50 of just myself, or just yourself! 06:51 And I think, you know, when we got into the marriage 06:55 first of all we didn't understand the two "me's" 06:58 we didn't understand the strong "me focus". 07:01 And God began to show us. And when I was 07:05 thinking about the two becoming one 07:08 it was fitting you into my lifestyle. 07:11 I didn't understand! I didn't mean to be that way but 07:14 because I was in the "me focus" I was trying to fit you 07:17 into my lifestyle! I wanted to keep all of my old things 07:20 going and just integrate you into it! 07:22 I wasn't thinking about how you were feeling 07:25 or what it meant to you. So we needed to learn 07:28 to move from that "me focus" to the "us focus". 07:32 Which began to lead us into that enduring commitment 07:36 which we began to talk about in that program 07:40 how we can have an enduring commitment. 07:43 Because when we made our vows, those vows 07:46 said that they were enduring Till Death Do Us Part! 07:50 But is that how we're relating in our marriage? 07:53 Is that the way that we're treating one another? 07:56 We need to allow God to make that 07:59 an enduring commitment for our marriage! 08:01 What is true love? We talked about that also. 08:05 1 Corinthians 13: "Love bears all things, 08:08 love believes all things, love endures all things 08:11 and love hopes for all things! " 08:13 And that's what we need in our marriages! 08:15 With God working in my heart, with God working 08:18 in the heart of my husband, 08:19 our marriages truly can be heart to heart! 08:22 And little things will not irritate us and 08:25 we don't have to argue our way through things 08:27 to try to be right! True love will endure 08:31 a difference of opinion! True love will be spontaneous 08:36 to love that other person in the most difficult moments! 08:40 That's right! 08:42 Ands taking that 1 Corinthians 13 and making it 08:45 practical has had a powerful influence in our marriage. 08:49 You know, there's so much, even in professed Christianity 08:52 today that we know and say about the Bible, 08:55 God's Word, our Guide, the Lamp unto our feet 08:58 and a light unto our path! 09:00 But let's take some of these simple passages. 09:03 It's called the Love Chapter and rightly so. 09:06 But it's not enough! I used to have, you know memorized 09:09 but that didn't really do any practical good 09:12 in our marriage did it? I even 09:15 wrote you for if you remember 09:17 a paraphrase of that Love Chapter. 09:20 - Personalized it! - I personalized it! 09:22 But God needed to bring that personalized into my life! 09:26 And I just wanna entreat you that if you want 09:29 to have that experience of what true love is, 09:32 take 1 Corinthians and ask God to make it a personal, 09:36 practical part of your love experience. 09:39 So, we will learn to be patient with one another. 09:41 - That's right! - We learn to be kind and gentle 09:44 And then that lead us into our next part of the series 09:48 in developing respect. And you and I have recognized 09:52 how little respect many people have in their marriages. 09:55 And it's not because they mean for to happen that way! 09:58 It's because it just isn't there! 10:01 They respect other people, they respect the people 10:04 at the bank or at the grocery store, 10:06 or their employer, their fellow employees 10:10 but when it comes to the husband and wife respect 10:12 it really hasn't been there. 10:14 And we need to cultivate that 10:16 and develop that in our marriage. 10:18 And as that's been developing in our marriage 10:21 you respect my opinions on things and my perspectives. 10:24 That wasn't always the case early on! 10:26 - That's right! - And I also respect 10:28 your opinions and your understanding of things. 10:31 And so that respect will also then be countered 10:36 with restraint in ourselves. 10:39 That's the only way it can happen, if I really respect you 10:42 I will learn to be restraint of the spirit 10:44 to be determined not to injure you 10:46 by my words or my actions or my passions. 10:50 That's right! 10:52 So, respect and restraint really go hand in hand! 10:55 They're inseparable! If we really respect each other 10:58 then we will allow the Lord to restrain us. 11:00 And in that restraint He will make us new people. 11:03 It's not gonna: "Ok I'm not gonna say this right now!" 11:05 it's gonna change how we think! 11:08 So those responses don't even wanna come up! 11:11 Yes! So, does that mean we just bite our tongue? 11:14 No! We may have to at the beginning! 11:16 That's right! 'Cause I can remember sometimes 11:19 when the Lord has helped me develop respect 11:21 and cultivate that restraint but there were times that 11:25 everything inside of me wanted to say it but I 11:28 bit my tongue so to speak! 11:30 But God began to show us that when He's working in us 11:34 we don't have to bite our tongues! 11:36 And God will show you that too as we move forward 11:40 in developing respect and cultivating restraint 11:44 God will show us that His power 11:46 can go beyond biting our tongues 11:49 and change us from the inside out! 11:51 And you know, it may seem like biting our tongue at first. 11:53 It's because it's our natural response. 11:55 But it may be the call of the Spirit that we wanna say it 11:59 but we're willing to be restraint of the spirit. 12:01 And it may feel like it's a biting of the tongue initially 12:04 but as we get accustom to responding to 12:07 the Spirit of Christ calling to our hearts 12:09 it's no longer a difficult restraint 12:13 or a biting of the tongue the feeling like I can't. 12:15 It's a desire to be surrendered to that still small voice 12:21 and to know that God has something better for us! 12:24 Yes! And that led us into then talking about 12:28 making the best of the roles in marriage 12:31 and really getting the highest 12:35 out of those roles. Rather than it being in contention 12:38 and trying to take over each other's roles 12:41 we went back to the beginning. We looked at how 12:43 God just established the original roles 12:48 for man and woman and how sin came in and affected those 12:51 roles and then how God has worked to restore that 12:55 in the marriage through the years. 12:57 It's not that one is less than the other 12:59 but God has given us distinctive roles in the marriage 13:02 for the betterment of both husband and wife. 13:04 And as I've learned to be a submissive wife in the Lord 13:09 to you I found the joy of what true 13:11 womanhood can be in a marriage! 13:14 Yes! And it's been an encouragement to me to be 13:16 the man who truly loves his wife as Christ loved the Church 13:20 and gave Himself for it! 13:22 But we need to take a break right now. 13:24 We hoe you'll stay with us! 13:26 We'll be back in just a moment to continue talking 13:29 about how you can have a marriage heart to heart! 13:39 There are many "How to?" books available, 13:41 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:45 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 13:47 Bible-based, matrimonial advice 13:50 is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner, 13:52 for those contemplating marriage, 13:54 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:57 and everyone in-between. 13:59 Simply call or write for your free copy 14:01 of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool 14:04 to help build a better marriage. 14:14 Welcome back where we were talking about 14:16 how we can make our marriages heart to heart. 14:19 In this closing program of our series we've been 14:22 just going back and recapping the main points 14:25 of how this can be a reality in each of our marriages! 14:29 So finding forgiveness is a very vital part 14:32 of having a marriage heart to heart! 14:33 - Absolutely! - Learning to say 14:35 "I'm sorry honey! Will you forgive me?" 14:37 And be specific about what it is 14:39 that I've done to offend you! - That's right! 14:41 And the offering true forgiveness 14:44 in my heart even if you don't ask me to be forgiving. 14:48 That's very important and that leads us 14:50 then to the next program where we talked about 14:54 the grave for faults. 14:58 Your faults should find a grave in my heart, 15:01 they shouldn't be given to other people. 15:04 It should be a sheltering love that we have for each other 15:07 that we don't talk about the faults of one another out there 15:10 to other people who don't understand those situations. 15:14 Or even to each other. You know, if we only talked about 15:17 what I don't like about you or how you disappoint me 15:21 that's only gonna deteriorate the marriage. 15:24 So, our heart truly should be that grave for faults. 15:28 And not even, you know not that we can't say 15:30 "Honey I'm not sure about this!", 15:31 not that we can't communicate on a very deep an honest level; 15:34 - That's right! - But it should not be 15:36 the focus of our communication. 15:37 And it should not be something that's rehearsed 15:39 over and over and over! Which brings us 15:41 to the next topic that we had. 15:43 It was building our marriage on a Sure Foundation! 15:46 The importance of having the Scriptures, 15:49 guide us in all of the decisions that we make! 15:52 and all of the laws of our home and how we treat one another 15:56 that is truly our Sure Guide, God's Holly Word! 15:59 That's right! And if we will take the Word of God 16:03 off the shelf so to speak, 16:05 of the night stand and we will bring It 16:08 into the practical places of our hearts. 16:11 And allow God to change us! His Word will be 16:14 and has been for us a Sure Foundation 16:17 for a marriage that's heart to heart! 16:19 And if we're in God's Word then we're gonna be desiring 16:23 to be in prayer as well, to meet the needs. 16:26 And so we talked about prayers of love; 16:29 very meaningful that have been a growing 16:32 part of our growing love in our marriage! 16:36 And it's helped us then to develop common goals. 16:40 One of the greatest challenges that couples face today 16:44 is everything around them is so busy. 16:47 And we need to look at what are the goals 16:50 that we have in life and form those goals together! 16:53 Talk about it and expand our thinking from 16:57 getting through a day to where we wanna be in our home 17:00 in our marriage, in our lives together! 17:03 Form those common goals with the Lord Jesus 17:05 and with one another! - Which hen led us into 17:08 setting priorities. 17:10 You know, it' very interesting that sometimes 17:12 priorities get set for us and they almost funnel us into 17:16 what we have to do. 17:17 And we found that if we're going to be successful 17:20 in meeting the goals that we believe are important, 17:23 then we need to set our priorities. 17:25 And carve out the time to make those priorities a reality. 17:30 And for us those priorities that we set 17:34 gave us time to communicate, effective communication. 17:38 That's what we talked about next 17:39 the need for effective communication. 17:42 Without communication we're sure to dissolve 17:46 the love in our hearts for each other. 17:48 Communication is what draws our hearts together 17:50 just like it does with God! When we communicate 17:52 with Him our heart is drawn to Him. And when 17:55 we communicate with each other 17:56 in effective communication our hearts grow closer together. 18:00 Well, part of that effective communication 18:03 was when we talked about "Please Understand Me". 18:06 Do you like to be understood? 18:08 Always! You don't have to agree with me 18:11 but I do like to be understood! 18:12 Yes! And that's something that we found is very important. 18:15 I don't think anybody likes to be misunderstood! 18:20 Taking time to communicate but 18:22 taking time to really understand 18:24 not just to hear, not to finish half uttered sentences 18:29 but taking time to understand what is your wife, 18:33 your husband really trying to say! 18:36 So, then we have to deal with things 18:38 that break communication. And we dealt with those 18:41 in our personal life. We identified some of those areas 18:44 in our life that were communication breakers. 18:47 "You always do this!", "You never!" 18:50 And those types of responses 18:53 although they seem real in the moment 18:55 are untruthful statements. 18:57 And they break down communication. 18:58 We talked about many - That's right! 19:00 things that break communication down. 19:01 Sometimes it's silence, sometimes it's our posture 19:04 so we need to be sensitive that we don't use 19:07 communication breakers but we look for ways 19:10 to effectively communicate. - That's right! 19:13 And one of the most effective ways to build communication 19:18 is to be honest in our communication! Real integrity 19:23 if that's there we call it transparent communication. 19:27 That means there's nothing that I can't talk about with you! 19:31 And that's important, isn't it? 19:34 We couldn't always say that on our marriage! 19:36 No we couldn't! Neither one of us could! 19:37 Because there were things that maybe we thought or we did 19:40 that we really didn't want the other person to know about. 19:42 So it was hard to be really honest. 19:43 Or we were afraid of how the other person would react. 19:46 So, honesty in communication, real integrity and transparency 19:51 is vital to having a marriage that's heart to heart. 19:56 And so is learning how to manage our money! 19:59 - Oh, is that important? - Absolutely! 20:01 So many marital disagreements happen because of 20:04 "Who spent what?" or "You got this and it cost how much?" 20:08 or "You didn't tell me that you did this with the money!" 20:11 And so managing our money is a very important part of 20:15 effective marriage to build it heart to heart! 20:19 That's right! You know a lot of marriages are 20:22 floundering because of the financial pressures 20:25 that they find themselves under. 20:28 We need to honestly deal through 20:31 the money matters that 20:33 are there every day! If we're not it creates a barrier 20:36 between us! 20:38 And we wanna learn how to move from the discord 20:42 to harmony, from the arguing to the understanding. 20:46 That's what God wants us to experience! 20:48 And that's what we're learning and it's 20:50 an on growing process isn't it? 20:52 - Yes it is! - And I'm thankful to say that 20:55 there isn't discord in our marriage but we have harmony! 20:57 It's beautiful! I love to be with you! 21:00 We love to be with each other and there's nothing 21:02 that we'd rather do that makes more happy 21:04 than to be in each other's presence! 21:06 That's right! And it wasn't always that way! 21:09 We always enjoyed each other but we didn't enjoy it 21:12 and it didn't have the same meaning because 21:15 particularly in the early times there was 21:18 some disaccording notes! 21:22 And to have harmony in the marriage means 21:24 the foundation of having harmony in the family. 21:27 - That's right! - So that makes 21:28 a huge difference! 21:30 Well, we can't do that if we don't deal with 21:33 our emotions properly. And that's what we talked about 21:35 after that. Because if we have discord 21:38 we need to look for ways 21:41 to regain that harmony through the Lord Jesus. 21:44 And so handling our emotions was something that 21:47 we both recognized not something that you 21:49 just needed to recognize But emotions play themselves 21:53 out in anger, frustration, irritation all kinds of things 21:56 that we both needed to recognize 21:59 to allow Go to come in and as we surrendered ourselves 22:02 to Him; 22:04 And you can move away from those emotional reactions 22:09 that you find happening almost spontaneously. 22:12 And you can regain that harmony in your family 22:16 by dealing effectively with the Lord for those emotions. 22:19 And it makes a huge difference doesn't it? 22:22 - It does! - For both of us! I mean 22:24 my response if God is managing my emotions 22:29 then I am now more effective in 22:33 clearing up a misunderstanding that may be 22:36 between us or vice versa. 22:38 And if we're both willing to do that 22:40 it's even that much greater. - Amen! 22:41 But you know, sometimes it's difficult for people. 22:45 They've been in, they feel helpless, 22:48 they feel they've gone too far, 22:50 they feel they're inadequate, insufficient 22:53 to manage their problems. And there is a time 22:56 when an outside source to help a couple to maintain 23:00 that marriage or to begin to rebuild that marriage 23:03 is necessary. 23:04 - That's right! - And we spent quite a bit 23:07 of time talking about the three areas of 23:09 counseling, you know that is important when 23:11 you're seeking an outside source for help! 23:13 Yes! One of those was to make sure 23:16 that it wasn't just a sympathy session, 23:19 that would not just going to find out 23:23 you know, how good I am and how terrible this other person 23:25 is and that we need this counselor to 23:28 be sympathetic to my side. 23:30 And that the Lord's principles from His Word 23:33 are what we can count on! - That's right! 23:37 So, if counseling is made available at the appropriate 23:43 time it will help us keep love alive. 23:45 And that's what we talked about next. 23:47 Are you doing those things that keep your love alive? 23:51 Are you making the commitment 23:54 to do things like you do for all the other things 23:57 your business, your you know, the activities 24:00 that you commit to socially, your Church responsibilities? 24:03 Are you making a commitment to keep love alive? 24:07 in your marriage? 24:08 Even the commitments we make to please ourselves. 24:11 if we put as much energy in trying to please 24:13 the other person as we do to try to please ourselves, 24:16 our love for the other person would be alive and growing! 24:20 - That's right! - And we talked about the need 24:22 to develop moral purity! How to keep the marriage pure; 24:26 How we deal with our thoughts; How we conduct ourselves; 24:29 our deportment, even the way we dress ourselves. 24:33 Are we dressing modestly? The importance of that moral purity 24:36 in the marriage that keeps the marriage very close and secure 24:40 and the trust there. 24:42 Yes! And last time we talked about 24:44 mutually meaningful intimacy. 24:48 And we really spent quite a bit of time talking about 24:50 how that happens throughout the day. 24:53 Because if there's not mutually meaningful intimacy 24:58 in every aspect of life 25:01 to show how much my wife really means to me 25:04 then how can we expect it to suddenly become 25:07 mutually meaningful as we close the day? 25:12 So it's a part of both of us! - That's right! 25:15 It's not just you towards me. The wife has much to do 25:18 to encourage that in her husband as well. 25:21 That's right! You know, as we come to the close 25:24 of these series there's some verses 25:25 that I think are very beautiful 25:28 that I wanna bring to each of you. 25:31 They're words that come from John 17:21 25:35 and they're part of the prayer of Jesus for us. 25:41 John 17:22 to 24 it says: 25:43 "that they may be one, even as we are one: 25:48 I in them, thou in me, 25:52 that they may be made perfect in one; 25:56 that the world may know that thou hast sent me," 25:59 Jesus wants the world to know 26:02 that God sent Him in the World to save the World 26:05 and one of the ways that He's trying to do that 26:07 is through the unity and the harmony in the marriage. 26:10 Because it's a representation of the union 26:12 of Christ to His people. 26:15 "that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, 26:17 and hast loved me. Father, I will that they also," 26:23 That's us! That's you! 26:25 They're listening, viewing this program. 26:28 He says: "Father, I will that they also, whom 26:32 thou hast given me, be with me where I am; " 26:35 That's our privilege! |
Revised 2014-12-17