Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000025
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00:31 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:33 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:36 We hope you have a paper and pencil. We're gonna be talking 00:39 about the ways that we can develop mutually 00:42 meaningful intimacy in our marriages. 00:45 Sounds like a great topic! - It's a very important topic! 00:48 It's something that we've been developing 00:49 more and more over the years. 00:52 You feel that our intimacy is mutually meaningful? 00:57 Absolutely! It gets better all the time! 01:00 Why am I emphasizing the word mutually? 01:04 Because, sometimes in marriages it's not mutually 01:08 meaningful to both people. 01:09 - That's right! - I think there are many women 01:11 today who suffer because their husband 01:15 is more interested in that sexual act than in developing 01:19 the intimacy that's important to a woman. 01:21 That's right! 01:22 And really intimacy is important not just to the woman. 01:26 I found in my own experience 01:29 that even though it tends to be view that way 01:32 that the closeness and all the 01:35 things that happen through the day 01:37 it makes it more meaningful for me as well 01:40 to have that mutually meaningful intimacy. 01:44 So we're gonna be talking about 01:46 several areas today 01:48 because in many marriages as we have the opportunity to 01:53 work with many couples, 01:55 it has degenerated to a sexual act. 01:59 And that's how many people view intimacy today. 02:02 And it's partly because of the busyness of the lifestyles 02:05 that we live in, in this world today. 02:07 But I hope as we go through today's program, 02:10 that you'll see that there is mutually meaningful intimacy 02:16 for the marriage relation! 02:18 The sexual act is just one aspect of intimacy. 02:21 It's the whole intimate relationship 02:24 it's based on learning to be one with each other 02:27 and developing respect - That's right! 02:29 for the other person in the marriage! 02:31 And learning how to be restrained and knowing how 02:33 to say "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" or 02:37 "Would you forgive me?" 02:38 That's all a part of the intimacy 02:40 that becomes mutually beneficial to both of us. 02:43 That's right! 02:45 When the Bible talks about "the two shall become one" 02:49 when it talks about that oneness for me 02:52 as a man it's very important that I'm doing 02:56 everything that I can do through the day, 03:00 through the experience of marriage, 03:02 to make that oneness with you what it really can be. 03:06 That I'm truly reaching out to you, meaning the needs outside 03:11 of that special relationship that happens 03:15 as a combination of real love and real closeness that 03:18 through the day I am meeting your needs. 03:21 That you can depend on me, that you can lean 03:24 upon my affections; that you can 03:26 count on me to be there for you. 03:28 And when that's happening, when I'm giving you time 03:31 to communicate, when I'm listening to you 03:34 listening with my heart and not just 03:37 my head, listening to understand all those things 03:41 prepare the way for true intimacy. 03:45 I know that, that has really grown in our relationship and 03:49 it has brought such comfort and such security in our marriage 03:53 knowing that that's how you really feel 03:55 and I sense it all day long. 03:57 We don't have to necessarily be together 03:59 to know that that's there. And it really strengthens me 04:03 and my relationship to you and it makes me desire 04:05 to want to be more for you than I am today 04:09 or than I was yesterday, today and tomorrow 04:12 to even be more for you than I am today. 04:14 And one of the things in that intimacy that 04:17 is very important to me is our communication. 04:20 You know, there's' times that I just like to talk about things 04:23 and I like your opinion about things and you don't always 04:26 care about what I wanna ask you like, you know: 04:30 "Which pillow do you think looks better on the couch?" 04:32 "This one or this one?" 04:33 And it's amazing, those little interaction between us, 04:38 when you're willing to 04:40 hear and give your opinion even though you 04:43 could care less about it makes our intimacy 04:46 more mutually meaningful. 04:48 And you know, well I like that when sometimes you say: 04:50 "Well why do you ask me? Because you really have 04:52 a preference. " But sometimes I don't! 04:54 Or picking the checks you know, we've picked checks together 04:57 What kind of, you know, pattern doing one on those. 05:00 You know, it's fun! Those little things make a huge difference! 05:03 So, the message here, there's nothing intimate about 05:06 picking checks together right? - That's no! 05:09 There's nothing intimate about getting my opinion on 05:11 what pillow looks better on the couch. 05:14 Really, what you're saying is that in every aspect of the life 05:19 that you'd like to have an interaction 05:22 that's mutually meaningful together. 05:25 So that if that's happening 05:27 then it makes what most people focus on as the intimacy 05:32 more fulfilling. Because we're together in every aspect 05:36 of life. You know, there's a reference in Ephesians 4 05:41 in verse 2 it says: "With all lowliness and meekness," 05:45 Right there that's tough for men, those words lowliness 05:49 and meekness. Because today everything in society 05:52 and I speak in general terms here, but everything in society 05:56 tends to push men to a different image. 05:59 Lowliness and meekness doesn't seem to fit 06:02 for the society that we live in. 06:04 And yet what this is talking about, meekness is in no way 06:07 aligned with, with a weakness in men. 06:11 Meekness is really allowing myself as a man to be sensitive 06:14 to Christ! And there by to become sensitive to you! 06:18 The verse goes on and says: 06:20 "with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;" 06:25 That forbearing, that means that when you're asking me 06:29 to look at the checks 06:32 I could care less about the pattern on the checks. 06:34 Ok? As long as I can read the writing 06:37 that needs to go on the checks. 06:38 But what I'm doing when I enter into that with you 06:42 is I'm setting aside just how I view things. 06:45 We've learned so much in this intimacy of getting away 06:48 from the "me focus", which we've talked about 06:51 in this series a few times, the different aspects. 06:53 Getting away from the "me focus" 06:56 and looking at the "us focus" 06:58 in every aspect of our marriage. 07:01 And when that happens and I do that and you do that 07:04 it leads to the culmination of the intimate 07:09 response in a marriage, that privilege that God 07:12 has given a husband and wife to have and to enjoy together. 07:16 But it all starts early in the day! 07:18 It starts by respecting - That's right! 07:20 each other and be interested in each other. 07:22 And the more that we have that in our relationship 07:26 the more it develops into: 07:28 we just wanna spend more time together! 07:30 And we have a deeper understanding then 07:32 where each other's coming from. 07:34 And we have more tolerance for our mistakes 07:36 in each other! - Yes! Because we're really 07:39 understanding, our hearts are communicating with each other. 07:42 And I think that what we wanna point out to each one of you 07:46 and I hope that this is the experience you're having. 07:49 I hope that you're not just 07:52 viewing the act of intimacy 07:55 in a very isolated compartment. Because if you are 07:59 it's not very fulfilling. And I know especially for a woman 08:04 you know, what's the contrast. 08:06 You know, it's not very fulfilling if this meaningful 08:09 intimacy isn't being extended into all aspects of the day. 08:14 Well, the woman feels used. She feels like she's an object 08:17 that has to perform a certain act or has to be there 08:20 at a certain time to meet a sexual drive in her husband. 08:24 That's not any part of her! She has no desire 08:27 to participate in that. And so she feels victimized in that. 08:31 And it's very, it's very destructive to a marriage. 08:35 It destroys love, pure love. It doesn't force, it doesn't 08:39 take advantage of pure love gives. And as we give 08:44 we give back, we receive and it becomes 08:46 mutually a blessing to both! - That's right! 08:48 So, if that woman feels that way, 08:51 and I'm thankful that, you know, even though 08:53 we didn't understand this early on, 08:56 you never felt to that degreed but as you 09:00 reached out to me. 09:02 Sometimes we've talked to women that when they start 09:06 feeling victimized or as one woman put it to us recently 09:10 she was fearful because she felt like she was coming to 09:14 the close of the day and she knew 09:15 what her husband was expecting. 09:17 And she was almost fearful of that experience. 09:20 What can you do, as a wife in that situation 09:23 other then just withdraw and clam up to reach out 09:28 to help the husband in that situation to 09:32 want to participate mutually in that experience? 09:35 I think it's for us as women 09:37 that we have to go beyond how we're feeling at the moment. 09:41 And we have to recognize, maybe it's a weakness 09:44 in our husband, that he has; and to really love him 09:48 with a godly love, even in the act of intimacy. 09:51 And from that point encourage the interaction in the day 09:57 and start giving him positive comments 10:00 of what she appreciates about him. Or if he flares-up 10:03 and speaks in angry tones: 10:05 "Honey I know that that's really not how you feel in your heart!" 10:08 "And I love you! And I want you to know that I love you!" 10:11 That kind of response will help to break down 10:15 the drive in the man just to get his physical needs met. 10:19 And it will help to soften him to see what a gift 10:23 God has given him in a wife like that who's willing 10:27 to do all she can do for him. - Yes! And I think one 10:30 of the things that's been a blessing in our marriage 10:34 is the way that you have been willing to understand 10:39 me and some of my stresses and some of the pressures. 10:41 Because you've said to me many times: 10:44 It doesn't matter what you're doing in the day. 10:47 You can be thinking about me! 10:50 Now I don't understand exactly how that works 10:52 because I become very focused on what I'm working on 10:56 whatever the project is or you know, 10:58 whatever I'm involved in, whether counseling 11:00 or writing a message or; 11:02 You seem to be able to integrate both. 11:05 And you've been very sensitive to me to entreat me 11:10 and to draw me in a positive way, in an encouraging way 11:15 so that I can let go of some of the things. 11:18 And I believe a lot of men out there today, and maybe 11:21 I could say this for women too, but speaking for men 11:24 we have so many pressures that we face in dealing 11:27 with real life issues. We can be so burdened 11:30 in so many directions that we come to the end of the day 11:34 and it's only then that we switch gears. 11:37 And I've seen that if I'm willing to make my wife 11:41 a priority and communicate that to her, it doesn't have to be 11:44 through big things and it doesn't have to take large 11:47 portions of time; that, that response becomes mutually 11:50 encouraging to one another. 11:53 And I think for us as women, we have the opportunity 11:56 to nurture that in them. We shouldn't condemn them 11:59 because they don't think about us 12:02 the way we may think about them. 12:04 We can do things to encourage that in a positive way. 12:07 And how we respond, even getting up and having 12:10 a nice breakfast for him in the morning. 12:12 And taking time to help him with a simple project that 12:17 he needs to get done. Or putting a little note in his lunch 12:19 if he's gonna be gone all day. Or leaving a message 12:22 on his cell phone to say: "I'm just thinking about you honey. " 12:24 "And I just want you to know I really love you!" 12:27 "And I'm looking forward to you coming home today!" 12:29 It prepares our mind in a positive way 12:31 for what can take place in the evening hours. 12:35 And it also gives him the opportunity to know 12:38 that your heart is a safe place for him! 12:40 And in spite of his weaknesses, in spite of his 12:44 central focus or one point focus he can 12:50 receive your love through that in an understanding heart. 12:54 So, we need to create an environment. 12:56 We need to work to create an environment. 12:58 If I don't like some of the things that you're doing 13:00 or I don't think you're sensitive to me in some areas 13:04 or vice versa we can do much to create an environment 13:07 that is mutually meaningful which will lead to 13:10 a very mutual experience in that privilege of marriage 13:15 that often gets focused on alone. 13:17 Well, we need to take a break right now 13:20 and when we come back we're gonna talk about 13:22 some other ways that we can make 13:24 our intimacy mutually meaningful! Stay with us! 13:38 There are many "How to?" books available, 13:40 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:44 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 13:46 Bible-based, matrimonial advice 13:49 is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner, 13:51 for those contemplating marriage, 13:53 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:56 and everyone in-between. 13:57 Simply call or write for your free copy 14:00 of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool 14:03 to help build a better marriage. 14:13 Welcome back! We were talking about how we can make 14:17 our intimacy mutually meaningful for 14:21 each within the marriage. 14:23 And I wanna just go back to something that 14:25 we talked about a little bit. 14:27 You know the pressures, the job pressures, 14:31 the financial pressures, the daily life we live in; 14:34 and I don't think anybody will be surprised to hear me 14:37 say this is moving faster and faster. 14:40 And the pressures are increasing. 14:42 And I think most people, at least the polls that we get as 14:46 we talk to people and as we look around us 14:48 is just an increasing pressure. 14:51 Wouldn't you say that's true honey? 14:52 - Absolutely! - And I think one of the 14:53 things that we see happening is in that kind of situation 14:59 that tends to kill love! 15:03 Not that we intentionally say, well: 15:05 "I don't wanna have time for my wife!" or; 15:08 It's not that at all! It's that we just find ourselves 15:11 being robbed of that time that builds love. 15:14 And so, what ends up happening is that the 15:16 the intimacy in marriage either becomes almost non existent 15:20 and there's a separation that occurs or that love 15:26 that's not being nurtured turns into lust, 15:31 lust dominating the intimacy and this is not fulfilling 15:36 really to either husband or wife. 15:39 One of the things that's been helpful to us is to recognize 15:42 that we have to not fill our days so full 15:46 that we have no time for each other. 15:48 And that was not easy for us at the beginning! I mean 15:51 We're do it people, we're go oriented and we're driven. 15:55 And we have responsibilities for raising a family, we have 15:59 you know real challenges and bills that need to be met and; 16:03 - And they're good things! - They're all good things! 16:05 It's not like we taking something that's terrible! 16:06 That's right! And it's part of life but we have 16:09 to put some controls on that. - That's right! 16:12 And we began to say: We're going to not fill our days so 16:16 full, we're gonna leave off 16:19 the evening hours for us as a family! 16:21 - Yes! - And for us together 16:22 as a couple there has to be time every day to build 16:27 our relationship that's not just built in an act of 16:31 intimacy at night! - That's right! 16:33 And that not filling our days so full has been a tremendous 16:37 blessing to develop more mutually meaningful intimacy. 16:40 And I think we need to encourage each of you 16:44 it's going to be a choice to carve out that time 16:47 so that you have time in the day. 16:50 Or in the evening whenever it fits for both of your schedules 16:55 to have time together so that when the evening hours come 16:59 and it's time to go to bed that you are together in heart 17:03 and you're together in your love! 17:05 And it makes it much more enjoyable. 17:08 That's right! Much more fulfilling! 17:10 - Much more meaningful! - That's right! 17:13 Mutually meaningful intimacy! 17:16 You know, there may be some, some out there who are 17:19 saying: "That's great! I mean I like what you're saying! But 17:24 we're passed that point! I don't have any feelings 17:28 left for my husband or for my wife! " 17:31 You know, you may find yourself in a position 17:35 that is devastating and yet you know that 17:39 separation, divorce is not where God is leading you. 17:43 And that He wants to rebuild your marriage! 17:46 You know, there's a verse that's for all of us! 17:49 But if you're in that situation let me share 17:52 this verse with you. It's taken from John 15. 17:56 This is a command of our Lord in verse 17 it says: 18:00 "These things I command you, that ye love one another. " 18:06 I like the fact that Jesus is commanding us here! 18:09 He's commanding us to love one another! 18:11 I thought that happens spontaneously! Isn't it? 18:13 Yes! And He's saying: Look if you don't have love right now 18:16 it still needs to happen! 18:18 And obviously He's giving us the opportunity 18:23 to fulfill that command! But there's 18:24 some things that need to happen! 18:26 And what I wanna encourage our viewers with today 18:29 is: you have made commitments 18:32 to make so many things in your life work. 18:35 You've made commitments to meet the financial pressures 18:39 that you face to pay your bills, to meet your mortgage 18:42 to do whatever you need to do on that line. 18:45 You've made commitments to found the education 18:48 of your children, to get them to school on time. 18:51 You've made commitments to be successful in your work! 18:54 Maybe you own your own business or 18:57 you work for someone but you have made commitments that 18:59 are almost automatic 19:01 The Devil hates marriage! He hates that union because 19:06 rightly understood and rightly entered into it 19:09 it is the union that represents Christ 19:12 to His people, the union of Christ and His Church. 19:15 And so, the Devil works harder! And I wanna encourage you, 19:18 we wanna encourage you today that you 19:21 would do something similar to all the other commitments 19:25 that you've made and you say: 19:28 "I will not let this go!" 19:30 Not just the act! Not just that privilege of marriage, 19:34 not just the intimacy, but that you will make time 19:38 that you will commit time to rebuilding the marriage. 19:41 If there's no feeling left in you 19:43 God can rekindle those feelings! Can He honey? 19:46 Absolutely! He can do it in me! He can do it in you! 19:49 But I can't do it in you! - That's right! 19:52 So I have to cooperate with God to make that choice! 19:55 And that's what our responsibility is! Each one 19:57 in the marriage, whether a husband or a wife 20:00 that it's the choices that I have to make 20:03 or that you have to make! I can't wait for you 20:05 so that my feelings come back! 20:07 - Yes! - I have to work! I have to 20:09 to choose to let God put those feelings in my heart for you! 20:14 And let God change the way I think and the way I feel! 20:19 And then I can respond to you differently! 20:21 And then that actually encourages you 20:23 to develop those feelings to me, for me 20:26 that I'm desirous of having! 20:28 Yes! And I've seen that so many times in action 20:31 and in our home! 20:33 Because when you're thinking in those terms for me 20:36 which you often do and we've learned over the years 20:39 the blessing of doing that; 20:41 many times you'll do something very special, 20:45 very simple but it's an expression. 20:48 You know, you may put candles on the table or 20:51 you may do some little touches like that. 20:53 And that gives me a message! 20:57 And that message is that you're thinking about me! 21:01 And if I don't happen to be thinking about you, 21:04 I don't happen to have my focus there, 21:06 that brings me back to that! 21:09 And it's like: "Oh yes!" 21:12 "This is why our lives are so mutually meaningful!" 21:18 "This is how my wife thinks of me!" 21:21 'Cause I may be completely off in some other world. 21:24 And that's not wrong! 21:26 But this brings me back 21:28 again and gets me thinking about you 21:31 and wanting to interact with you! 21:34 That's why you don't mind when I sit on the bed 21:36 and watch you work, do you? - That's right! 21:38 Not that I don't have other things to do myself 21:41 but sometimes when I'm busy and you know, your desk 21:43 and your office where you do all your counseling is 21:46 downstairs in our bedroom, your desk is there. And so 21:49 I may be folding laundry or something and I'll just come 21:51 in the room and sit down the bed, just sit there 21:53 and watch you for a few minutes. And you know, 21:56 it's not to distract you from work, it's just to 21:58 spend a little time with you, to be in your presence. 22:02 And, you know, there's my heart good and I see that 22:05 it used to bug you but now you kind of enjoy it, don't you? 22:09 Yes! Well, it used to kind of bother me, because 22:12 I couldn't really understand how can you be 22:15 so interested in the midst of the heat of the day 22:19 with all the things going on, 22:20 interested just to come down and sit on the bed 22:24 and look at me! That used to really, it's like: 22:27 "How can that be?" because I'm such a one track person. 22:31 But some of that has encouraged me 22:34 over the years to be able to say: 22:36 "Lord, make me sensitive today! 22:39 In the midst of all the things that I need to do 22:43 that do need to be done, 22:44 make me sensitive!" And you've been amazed 22:47 that times at the things that God, His little promptings 22:51 that He has made me aware of to come up and just 22:54 give you a little gentle hug or a little kiss on the cheek or 22:59 put my arms around you just to encourage you. 23:02 That has quite an impact doesn't it? 23:04 It has a huge impact! Just to be standing at the sink 23:06 and doing the dishes and the next thing I know 23:08 out of the blue you come up behind me and put your arms 23:11 around me and give me a kiss on the neck! 23:12 And it just, you know, it takes all of what 23:14 10 or 15 seconds at the most? 23:17 But it can change the focus, my focus and your focus 23:22 toward one another instead of just getting through the day 23:24 and doing all the things that we have to get done in the day. 23:27 That's right! And I think, you know, what we want 23:31 you to come aware with as we've talked about this, 23:35 those are little messages that we give to each other. 23:39 It's not sentimentalism! It's saying: "I care about you!" 23:43 The reason I married you 23:46 is because there's no one else in the world 23:48 that I wanna be with! There's no one else 23:51 that I wanna spend my life with! 23:53 So if we can take that and put that in the perspective 23:56 what are we saying? 23:58 That, that person, the only time we're gonna have 24:01 for them is for that special privilege of marriage and 24:04 it's just gonna be, you know, 24:07 a focus there? No! 24:09 The message is that I care for you! 24:12 That I want to meet your needs 24:16 in every aspect of life. 24:18 And that's been very powerful! I tell you we don't know 24:22 how marriage can continue to get any better! 24:25 But does it get better? - It does! 24:27 It just, sometimes I tell you I don't know 24:29 how can it be any better! And sometimes I feel 24:32 so much love for you I can't even express it! 24:34 I have more there than it can come out! 24:36 But it's that heart, that's what mutually meaningful 24:39 intimacy is that heart connection. 24:42 - Yes! - When that is there 24:43 our hearts are connected: marriage heart to heart, 24:46 then the act of intimacy, that marriage privilege 24:50 is meaningful to both of us! And it's what we wanna do! 24:54 We wanna express ourselves in that ultimate. 24:57 Yes! So, we wanna encourage the people then 24:59 that if that's not there, 25:02 if it's not there because you're too busy; 25:05 if it's not there because you've got too much going on 25:08 in your life and you haven't been able to nurture love; 25:12 if it's not there because you've been fighting too much; 25:16 Maybe the reason you're fighting so much is because 25:18 you haven't made the one that God has put by your side 25:22 important enough in your life! 25:24 And God wants to change that! 25:26 And that can begin to change right now! 25:30 Right now, on this very day, that can begin to change! 25:34 So we need to renew our vows! 25:37 Maybe nor verbally but in our hearts! 25:39 - Amen! - To renew that love 25:41 that romance, that oneness, that closeness with each other. 25:45 That's right! And if, again, if that seems foreign to you, 25:49 if you don't feel like doing that 25:51 the Lord Jesus Christ, 25:54 the One Who we say is the Lord of our lives, 25:57 Savior of our lives will save us 26:00 to the outermost if we'll come to Him! 26:02 He will give us that if we will pray for it! 26:04 If you will specifically begin to pray for the things 26:07 that are not working for you God will begin 26:10 to specifically answer those prayers and bring 26:13 that mutually meaningful intimacy back into 26:16 all of your marriage which will culminate in the beautiful union 26:20 the physical union of the two becoming one. 26:23 The two of us need to become one in Christ! Don't we first? 26:26 As we become one in Christ together 26:29 then He leads us to that mutually meaningful intimacy 26:33 of the physical union to one another. 26:37 So this is really the personal challenge! 26:39 We may have to lay down the newspaper, 26:42 shut down the computer, get off the phone or turn of the TV 26:45 to have that time! - That's right! 26:47 You know, it isn't gonna necessarily be easy or automatic 26:50 We need the Lord to give us the grace to do it! 26:53 - We do! - So let's go to Him right now! 26:55 Father in Heaven we thank You for the opportunity 26:57 to come to You with all of our needs! 27:00 We need You to make our marriages 27:03 mutually meaningful in their intimacy! 27:06 And we thank You that You'll do this for us as we 27:08 turn our hearts to You! In Jesus name Amen! 27:13 Well, we look forward to having you join us next time 27:18 as we talk about making our marriages 27:21 heart to heart, heart to heart with God 27:25 first, which provide the way for us to be heart to heart 27:29 with the one He's given us to stand by our sides! 27:33 We know the difference He's made in our lives 27:36 and we know you want that difference in yours! 27:40 So join us next time on Marriage Heart to Heart! |
Revised 2014-12-17