Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000021
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00:30 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:32 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:36 Today we're gonna be sharing with you handling our emotions. 00:39 And there's some beautiful principles from the Word of God. 00:41 So, we hope you have a paper and pencil 00:43 and take some notes as we talk about 00:45 this important subject today. 00:48 Emotions, that's quite a topic isn't it? 00:51 - It is! We all have them too! - That's right! 00:54 So, it's not just women? - It's not just women! 00:58 And there are a lot of different kinds of emotions aren't there? 01:01 There's all kinds of emotions! 01:03 Well, we're gonna be talking about 01:04 some of the most common destructive emotions. 01:09 You know, we don't have to spend a lot of time 01:11 talking about the ones that are happy 01:14 and joyful and up building. 01:16 We need to be talking about how we can get passed the ones 01:20 that we don't want, that are destructive 01:23 emotions like fear 01:26 and the anger and hate. 01:29 Even the word hate is terrible isn't it? 01:33 - Yes, it's very coarse! - That's right! 01:36 Bitterness, jealousy, 01:40 grief, now grief, well, 01:43 grief is a normal process that we go through 01:46 especially when we lose someone that we love, 01:48 we often think of it in death. But even grief 01:52 if it is not handled appropriately 01:55 can be very destructive and devastating. 01:58 Anxiety, which is a common emotion 02:00 a response that we can often enter into. 02:04 Guilt and depression; 02:06 that's quite a list of them! - There's a big list and 02:10 I think many couples experience a varying of any one 02:13 or a number of those through their married life. 02:16 - That's right! - And they're emotions 02:18 that will destroy the relationship 02:21 and destroys the person. And when the person 02:23 allows themselves to become destroyed, 02:26 the relationship dies with it. - That's right! 02:28 So, why don't we talk about defining emotions? 02:31 We don't already know what they are? 02:34 We know what they are! 02:35 How they manifest themselves! - But where do they come from? 02:38 - Yes! - It's something that happens 02:40 in our mind. It's a thought that stimulates the mind, 02:44 an excitement and it leads to a visible response. 02:49 Something that we can feel, something that can be seen 02:53 in our countenance, in our eyes. I've often told you honey 02:57 "Your eyes are changing! 03:00 They're not as bright maybe as they were a few 03:02 moments before. " You know, and you say the same thing to me. 03:06 We wear our emotions as something we can't control. 03:10 They are a visible manifestation 03:12 of what is happening in our thoughts. 03:14 So we can't control them 03:15 that's what we're gonna be talking about. 03:18 But when we're experiencing them 03:20 can't necessarily hide them - That's right! 03:23 as well as we might want to sometimes. 03:25 - We can't cover them up! - That's right! 03:27 We can't control how we are in the outside. 03:30 But we can learn through Christ how to change our emotions 03:34 where they start: in the thoughts. 03:37 Well, I think probably most of the listening audience, 03:41 the viewing audience 03:43 knows what we are talking about but, 03:46 you know, as I was thinking: emotions, 03:48 I mean, emotions they do have an impact. 03:52 And I remember one day when we were talking about emotions 03:55 and we were trying to discover; 03:57 you know, what does it mean when we say 04:00 we have an emotion? Now we know what it is 04:02 when we cry, ok that's a response 04:04 to something that's going on inside. And I remember 04:07 I was sitting next to you and all of a sudden I went: 04:10 You did it again! 04:13 Did that have an effect on you? - Yes it does! 04:16 Now that typically is not the kind of emotion 04:19 that we are demonstrating. 04:23 It may have that kind of an action, 04:26 whether it may have a loud voice, but I think all of us 04:30 need to recognize that when we are experiencing emotions 04:35 that are not being governed 04:38 and hopefully governed by Christ, 04:40 they are having an impact on someone else 04:44 in addition to us. They're having an emotional 04:47 impact on us. They're changing us. 04:49 But it's also having an effect just like I can do that 04:54 and it can have an effect on you, even though you 04:57 know that I might do that. 04:59 It still has an effect doesn't it? 05:01 And even when I'm not prepared for it and I'm not 05:03 expecting it the effect is much more dramatic! 05:07 And that's why in a marriage when somebody's 05:10 emotions are displayed and the other person isn't 05:13 expecting there's going to be a problem, 05:16 the effects are so much more detrimental. 05:19 That's right! 05:20 So we need to talk about what's really happening 05:23 in emotions and what are we going to do to 05:28 deal with those emotions. 05:30 You know, there's a Bible principle 05:33 Proverbs 23 verse 7 it says: 05:37 "as he thinketh in his heart"; 05:40 or as she thinketh in her heart; 05:44 "so is he" or so is she. 05:48 So that begins to tell us that 05:51 there is a place where emotions begin, 05:55 that there's a reaction, something stimulates, 06:00 an action or a reaction in us and it begins in our thoughts. 06:05 And I don't think that's a new thought to anybody out here 06:09 that where we begin to think leads us to 06:13 where we begin to act and where we begin to speak. 06:16 So there's a correspondence there 06:18 and if we understand what's happening in our thoughts 06:21 and what we're doing with those thoughts then we begin to 06:25 understand how we can work through some of these emotions. 06:29 So, it's what happens in our thoughts that change 06:33 our whole countenance. - That's right! 06:35 So then is it fair to say: 06:37 "You hurt my feelings!"? 06:43 'Cause I I've said that to you before! 06:44 - Yes you have! - "You've hurt my feelings!" 06:47 "You make me feel sad! You make me feel angry!" 06:51 "You make me feel irritated!" 06:54 "You make me!" Is that a fair statement? 06:57 No it isn't! And that's not just 07:00 a self justification of myself, is it? 07:03 No! It's not! 'Cause you've told me the same things too! 07:06 Ok? We really can't blame somebody else! We can't say 07:11 that that person 07:13 made me angry. 07:16 Now, what we really mean by that is: 07:19 What you did to me 07:22 is causing me to feel like I feel right now. 07:25 It's causing me to react the way I'm reacting right now. 07:29 But in reality 07:31 that means we're being controlled by another person, 07:33 by their actions. 07:35 What we really need to say and what we really 07:38 need to be honest with is that 07:41 I have to decide as you treat me this way 07:45 whether I am going to react like you are 07:48 and I'm going to take on the spirit that you have 07:51 and you are therefore going to be in control of me; 07:54 or whether I am going to 07:57 allow Christ to be in control of me 08:00 at that moment. What am I gonna do with those thoughts? 08:03 So, we have to go back to our thoughts, our choices 08:09 with those thoughts because the stimulus comes 08:12 to us and then we process it 08:15 and we decide how we're gonna respond. 08:17 And mostly - That's right! 08:18 our natural inclination is to respond 08:22 how it makes me feel or human response. 08:25 And this is why, you know, the Lord says: 08:28 "Without Me you can do nothing!" 08:29 - That's right! - We can't control 08:32 our emotions without the Lord! 08:34 Without Christ it is impossible for us to control our emotions! 08:39 But with Him all things are possible. And I know 08:41 when we began to understand this in our marriage 08:44 the tremendous difference it made. 08:46 So if you would respond, I'll say in a negative way to me 08:50 rather than letting my mind start going down 08:53 "You hurt my feelings! You make me feel sad!" 08:56 or this or that, I then choose to think 09:00 by Christ working in my thoughts 09:03 that "I know he really didn't mean to say that. " 09:05 "I know that's really not how he feels about me!" 09:08 "I know he's been under a lot of stress today!" 09:10 And it changes how I respond which then brings about 09:13 harmony and healing very quickly in the marriage 09:16 instead of a downhill situation! - Yes! A domino effect 09:20 that you know, one person says something to the other person 09:23 and they take up that spirit and pretty soon 09:26 you've lost the spirit of Christ in this situation. 09:29 I actually did an experiment one time that was very interesting 09:33 as I was trying to understand more deeply myself 09:36 what happens in emotional responses 09:40 So I did a little experiment like this: 09:42 I was sitting at my desk, simply thinking about 09:47 emotions and I wanted to see 09:50 what that Bible verse 09:53 "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he". 09:56 And so I began to reflect 09:59 on a very negative situation, 10:02 a situation that happened between me and another person, 10:05 a situation that had never been resolved 10:08 as far as that person towards me. 10:11 And I started thinking about it. 10:14 And you know within a minute or less 10:16 I started recognizing that my heart was pounding. 10:21 I could feel it pounding in my chest, I started becoming aware 10:26 that my blood pressure was raising. 10:28 I started recognizing that I was being anxious, 10:32 that I was feeling this anxiety coming as I was thinking 10:37 about this situation. It's interesting because it created 10:41 two responses in me, 10:43 two recognitions I guess I could say. 10:47 One is I never really understood 10:51 that clearly as I focused on that. 10:54 What a response happens inside of us? How it changes us? 10:58 How our thoughts begin to change our feelings 11:01 and how it begins to have an emotional response. 11:04 Secondly in that very situation I said: 11:07 "There's something I still need to deal with here!" 11:09 "That I need to deal with the Lord!" 11:11 "I can't wait for that other person!" 11:12 You know, many times I think the problem that 11:14 we have with emotions that are negative 11:16 is we're waiting for somebody else to do something to change 11:19 then I can feel better, then I can stop 11:21 having these emotional responses. And I realized 11:24 that Jesus was calling to me in that situation saying: 11:28 "Come on to Me! 11:29 All you that labor and are heavy laden 11:31 I will give you rest!" 11:33 And so, it was actually a beautiful experiment! 11:37 When that experiment took place 11:40 it had a dramatic effect in our relationship as well 11:43 because you began to recognize more clearly 11:46 how important it was to have your thoughts 11:49 where they need to be if I don't always respond right. 11:52 And I don't always respond right! 11:54 I haven't always responded right! Even though 11:56 I love you very much sometimes my self is still there! 12:00 And when that happens 12:03 and you had that experience I saw the direct correlation 12:07 in our marriage. And I think it's been 12:10 a very valuable experiment shall we say 12:13 testing the Word of God to see how it really operates 12:16 in the real moment by moment. 12:18 And then as we understand that the difference it can make 12:21 in our experience. - That's right! 12:25 And I want us to recognize as we're talking about this that 12:29 we don't have to be controlled by emotions! 12:32 We don't have to be controlled by somebody else's emotions! 12:35 And if we can recognize that we can have some victories 12:39 and we can have a new experience 12:41 that God wants to give us. 12:43 If we wanna have marriages that are truly heart to heart 12:46 we need to be dealing with our emotions! 12:48 And it begins by dealing with our thoughts! 12:51 Now, we need to take a break 12:52 but when we come back we're gonna talk about 12:55 some of those things that God wants to do 12:57 to change us so that we can have better marriages! 13:10 There are many "How to?" books available, 13:11 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:15 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 13:18 Bible-based, matrimonial advice 13:20 is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner, 13:22 for those contemplating marriage, 13:24 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:27 and everyone in-between. 13:29 Simply call or write for your free copy 13:31 of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool 13:34 to help build a better marriage. 13:44 Welcome back! Where we're talking about how 13:47 we can handle our emotions, better yet 13:51 how we can learn to allow Christ 13:53 to give us the Grace to handle our emotions in Him. 13:57 We've been talking about "as we think so we become". 14:01 And I know I've talked to many wives, not just a few, 14:04 who have the thought their husband doesn't love them. 14:07 Now, it's true that he may be not as sensitive 14:11 to them as he use to be. I know I went through that 14:13 for a period of time in our early marriage. 14:15 I didn't feel that you really loved me the way I loved you 14:19 or the way I thought you loved me. 14:21 But the thoughts entertain that a husband 14:24 doesn't love his wife if she continues 14:26 to entertain that thought 14:29 everything about what he does is all interpreted 14:33 by that thought. And what happens eventually 14:36 is that because of her response in the little things 14:40 in their communication, in their daily interactions 14:44 that she soon creates a very atmosphere 14:49 that she's been thinking of. Because is been so 14:52 prevalent in her mind. And it becomes 14:55 what we call in our home a self-fulfilling prophecy. 14:59 Yes! We've certainly seen that happen. 15:03 I'm happy to say that we've seen more couples 15:07 who are willing to break that fatal cycle 15:10 of a self-fulfilling prophecy. 15:13 But we've seen some very sadly who 15:16 continued to hold on to these opinions and hold on to 15:19 "This is how my husband treats me!" 15:21 and eventually 15:23 the man begins to treat her that way even 15:25 though that's not what was in his heart. 15:28 So it is with us for me for you and for everyone 15:31 of our listeners out there today that God wants to teach us 15:36 how we deal with our thoughts. 15:38 And that's why He tells us: "Let this mind be in you, 15:42 be in Me!" which was also in Christ Jesus 15:45 because as we learn to have the thoughts of Christ 15:48 we learn then to have our emotional responses 15:51 as Christ emotional responses were to those about Him. 15:55 And His emotional responses drew people to Him 15:58 and engendered love and harmony and beauty! 16:02 You know, one of the greatest blessings that 16:05 I think we've experienced and I know personally 16:07 that I've experienced, that has helped me in this area 16:10 of handling emotions; 16:12 is recognizing that it's the love of myself; 16:16 it's the love of self, the bottom of it all, 16:19 that really destroys my peace. 16:23 - And, - You mean it's not me dear? 16:25 Well, 16:26 I used to think sometimes it was you. If you would 16:28 just get on the right program with me 16:31 then I'd be, you know, everything would be great! 16:33 Now I can encourage you, right? And I can 16:37 be positive encouragement for you. 16:39 That's right! And that's the beauty of moving away from 16:43 the selfish "me focus", which we've talked about 16:45 from time to time on this program. 16:48 That focus always leads me to how you affect me, 16:54 how everybody affects me. 16:56 And that never brings peace! 16:59 And so it's been revolutionary to our marriage 17:03 to be able to recognize that when I don't have peace, 17:07 when I don't feel good in my self because of 17:10 something else that someone else has done or 17:13 some sort circumstances 17:16 it's not going to help to blame somebody else 17:18 or blame your circumstances. It doesn't matter 17:21 who starts it! It doesn't matter who's fault it is, 17:26 who said what, none of those things 17:29 are going to restore the peace 17:33 and the blessing into the marriage 17:36 until I'm willing to deal with my self. 17:39 In that moment I have a choice to make. 17:42 When you stepped on my toes or 17:43 as I perceived stepped on my toes, I have a choice to decide 17:47 whether I'm gonna follow my natural inclinations 17:50 respond to you in a similar spirit as I perceive you to have 17:54 or if I'm going to choose at that moment 17:59 to allow power that's outside of me and that power 18:03 is Jesus Christ, the Power of God 18:06 and the Salvation to everyone it believes. 18:08 If I'm going to choose my faith at that moment 18:11 to allow Him to have those thoughts, 18:14 those emotions that want to come 18:18 and allow Him to change me. 18:20 That's that transforming power right there. 18:23 And when that happens if I had had the wrong spirit 18:28 the best way to have me gain my peace back 18:31 is by you having that peace. 18:33 - That's right! - And so, instead of 18:34 trying to say: "Honey, you have a wrong attitude 18:38 toward me right now!" you know, and it may be true! 18:41 But because of you allowing Christ to give you that peace 18:46 that peace that passes all understanding 18:48 it's an encouragement to me to surrender my self 18:50 because I'm not having that peace 18:52 and I want that peace back too. 18:54 And that's what helps us to grow in a harmonious marriage. 18:57 And the thing I find so encouraging 18:59 through this whole process, because so often I said: 19:03 "I'm so weak I can't do this! I'm just a failure as a human 19:09 being" you know, to allow the 19:11 Lord, you know: "Why do I keep failing?" 19:14 But it says to the Apostle Paul that "Christ strength 19:19 is made perfect in weakness" and I've got a lot of weakness. 19:22 And when we believe that Christ strength, the power 19:26 to change our responses, to change our thoughts 19:31 to change the whole direction that we're going 19:33 our emotions, everything about us, 19:36 when we allow that strength to find its home in our weakness 19:41 and it changes that, that's very encouraging to me! 19:44 Amen! 19:45 One of mine favorite verses too is Isaiah 26:3. 19:49 It says that, in a different way, but it says: 19:51 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace" 19:54 What kind of peace? 19:56 - Perfect! - Perfect peace! That's right! 19:58 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind 20:01 is stayed on thee because" 20:04 Why? "because: he trusteth in thee. " 20:09 Many times the Lord brings this to my mind 20:11 when I am not at peace. 20:14 And when I'm wanting to blame someone else 20:17 the Lord brings this to my mind that He 20:20 is the only one that can bring me back to peace 20:25 or keep me in perfect peace. 20:27 And the only way that's gonna happen 20:29 is if my mind is willing to be stayed on Him. 20:33 Which takes us back to that verse 20:34 we talked about in Proverbs: 20:36 "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" 20:38 If we're willing to be surrendered in that 20:41 moment of time and I know you've heard us talk about this 20:46 in other programs. This surrender is so vital 20:49 because it takes me, it takes us to a power that's above us 20:53 and outside of us that has a life changing power 20:57 in the moment to heal us and bring that peace! 21:01 - It's a winning power! - Amen! 21:02 It's a winning power! And you know, I found that 21:05 sometimes my emotions, on the negative side 21:08 have been what's helped me to recognize 21:11 that I don't have that peace! 21:13 You know, we wanna argue: "Oh yes I'm at peace! I'm at peace!" 21:16 and you know, but we're not really at peace! 21:18 And, you know, the Lord uses sometimes 21:20 those negative feelings, the emotions that are very real, 21:23 that we experience. I call it the thing that comes up 21:26 from underneath, you know it just kind of 21:28 overwhelms. At that moment, sometimes is my first 21:32 recognition that I need Christ because I'm not doing 21:37 very good right now. And I've tried the blaming situation 21:41 and that doesn't give me any more peace 21:43 it only destroys our peace more. 21:45 And it affects a relationship in a negative way! 21:49 That's right! Does that mean then that we can never 21:51 talk about where the problem started? 21:54 Or who may be at fault in the situation? 21:57 No! Not at all! We have to be able to talk about that. 22:01 But it doesn't have to be done from a selfish perspective! 22:04 That's right! Because that's where the fatal cycle begins. 22:07 If we're trying to get someone else to be our solution 22:11 instead of letting Christ be our solution 22:14 and then come back to one another 22:17 in His solution, if we don't do that 22:20 we're never gonna find peace. We're gonna find a fatal cycle 22:23 that often takes too many marriages 22:25 in the wrong direction. 22:27 I remember 22:29 a story of a lady, a very powerful story. 22:34 And I know you remember the story very well. 22:36 This lady's husband, they were Christians, 22:40 they had a Christian family, 22:43 but he became very discouraged and his emotions 22:46 began to take him in a direction that was not right! 22:50 And he began to leave Christ. And eventually he 22:54 completely left everything that he, you know, that 22:57 called important to him in his Christian experience. 23:01 And he began to separate from his wife and 23:03 and only be home, you know, just very little. 23:07 And he separated from his children. 23:10 And I remember how this lady shared with us. 23:14 We were actually in their home and she shared the bitterness 23:17 that started to well up inside of her, and the hurt and the; 23:21 You remember the emotions, and the anger: 23:23 "How can he do this to me?!" 23:26 That's a very hard question to answer! 23:30 And she was experiencing all these emotions 23:32 and it was beginning to take her down and 23:33 her children were crying. And she begin to recognize 23:37 by the Grace of God, as the Spirit of Christ 23:40 was calling to her, the Holly Spirit was calling to her heart 23:42 and she began to recognize 23:44 that "I'm allowing my husband's turning from the Lord 23:49 to destroy me! I'm allowing to destroy my children! 23:54 I'm allowing this to do more damage than he's already done!" 23:58 And so, as you recall 24:00 she made a commitment, 24:02 a powerful commitment to God, on her knees 24:06 and with her children 24:08 that she would do all that she could do 24:11 to love her husband as he was. She would not compromise 24:14 principle, she would not enter into some of the sin 24:17 that he had gone back into. But she said: 24:20 " By God's Grace I am going to make this home 24:23 a little taste of Heaven! Because 24:26 if my husband continues in the way that he's going he 24:28 will have no Heaven to look forward to! 24:31 And I want to make this life a little bit like Heaven! " 24:34 What a powerful testimony 24:36 of what happened of the next few month as that man began 24:41 to respond to the love that he saw in his wife! 24:44 And he himself told us 24:46 that it was the love of his wife 24:48 giving him a reflection, a taste of Jesus and a taste of 24:52 what Heaven is really like when she should have been 24:56 angry and bitter against him! 24:59 That actually began to win his heart back to his family 25:04 and he returned to the Lord! 25:06 So what an opportunity we have 25:09 maybe again, not in that kind of a devastating situation 25:13 but in our day to day interactions and communication. 25:18 Rather than responding the way self wants to respond, 25:22 rather than to wanna get even or to get into the same spirit 25:25 that somebody else is having we can 25:28 allow Christ to make the difference in us 25:32 and give that person, 25:35 give our wife, our husband a little taste of Heaven! 25:40 You know, sometimes honey, it's not just circumstances 25:42 in a marriage or words that are spoken, 25:45 our misunderstandings that cause 25:48 the stress or cause the disharmony 25:50 or cause emotions to come; sometimes 25:52 there are physical issues! - That's right! 25:54 And I know you remember all too well 25:57 a number of years ago when I had a surgery 25:59 and I lost all of my female organs 26:02 that my whole emotional - That's right! 26:04 status just went totally haywire! 26:08 My emotions were uncontrollable! I felt so discouraged 26:12 and low and even depressed at times. 26:16 And I recognized those emotions were 26:19 going to destroy me and they would have 26:23 a destroying effect on my family! And I didn't want them 26:26 but it was a physical response that I was experiencing. 26:30 And even with that I found God's Grace is sufficient! 26:34 Because when I recognized those dark days of depression 26:38 I made choices, not because I felt like it! 26:41 But because I believed God and I believed His Word! 26:45 - Amen! - And I had to make a choice 26:46 of faith, which everyone of these 26:48 is going to be a choice of faith. 26:49 And when I made those choices of faith one by one by one 26:53 pretty soon the day started to get a little brighter. 26:55 And the Lord helped me for a number of years 26:57 until those hormone issues got solved to resolve that. 27:01 And I wasn't taken down by that. 27:03 So there are other issues out there! 27:06 They can affect our emotions but whatever they may be 27:09 God's Grace is sufficient! - Amen! 27:11 And I think it would be good right now as we 27:14 come to the close of this session just to ask God's Grace 27:16 for our viewing audience. 27:19 Father in Heaven we know Your Grace is sufficient 27:21 You know the issues that people are facing, 27:23 the anger issues, the hurt 27:25 the various emotions, and we ask Lord for Your Holy Spirit 27:28 to work now! In Jesus name Amen! 27:32 Well, next time we get together 27:34 we're gonna be talking about when counseling is necessary. 27:37 Maybe there's issues that can't seem to get resolved 27:40 in the marriage. When counseling is necessary 27:43 next time we get together! |
Revised 2014-12-17