Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000020
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00:26 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters
00:30 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart! 00:31 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:35 And we hope you have a pencil and paper today 00:38 because we're going to be talking about 00:40 moving from discord to harmony in our marriages. 00:44 Nobody likes discord! Do they honey? 00:45 Nobody likes discord! 00:47 - I don't like it! - I don't either! 00:49 You like to hear music discordant? 00:51 No! It always makes me turn it off! 00:53 That's right! And I don't think any of us really 00:55 wants to discord when we're listening to 00:58 the beautiful harmonies of a quartet or a choir 01:02 we like that sound! It feels right! It moves our souls! 01:05 But when there is that disaccording note or that 01:09 off tune, none of us like it! 01:11 And I don't think any of us like having the discord 01:15 in our marriage relations. So 01:17 we're gonna talk about that today! 01:19 We wanna have a harmonious marriage! We wanted to 01:22 be beautiful and pleasant to listen to, 01:25 pleasant to experience! - That's right! 01:28 I remember a family that we met at one of our 01:30 Restoration International seminars. 01:33 And, 01:34 they came to us, if you remember, 01:36 and they were having discord in their family. 01:40 But they were talking about 01:41 the discord with their young people. 01:43 They were having teenage rebellion problems. 01:47 But as we listened to them, if you remember, 01:50 we started recognizing that 01:52 a lot of the discord that was happening in their young people 01:55 was because of the discord 01:57 that was happening between the two of them. 02:00 And so, if you remember too, that week end 02:03 we spent some time, some very personal time with 02:06 with that couple. 02:07 And they began to open up and share a little bit 02:10 about what was really happening between them 02:12 that was causing things to go on off harmony in their home. 02:16 That's right! It was evident as set and listen to them 02:19 talk that the problem wasn't just the young people, 02:23 but that the stress between the husband and wife 02:25 was so intense, 02:27 there was so much - That's right! 02:29 conflict between them that they 02:31 could not and didn't know how to reach their young people. 02:34 The young people said: 02:35 "Well if this is the way you're gonna be 02:37 I'm gonna do what I wanna do! " 02:38 That's right! 02:40 It was a blessing as we had the opportunity 02:42 to talk to this couple that 02:46 they ended up coming and visiting us 02:49 and actually making quite a sacrifice to come, 02:53 to make the distance, to pay for their 02:55 travel to come and visit in our family for a period of time. 03:00 And they began to open up what was really happening 03:03 in their hearts. And 03:04 I'll never forget the day we were sitting out on the 03:08 the front porch. 03:09 Do you remember what happened out there 03:12 in some of the things that he began to reveal to us? 03:15 Yes! He was very open and very honest 03:20 and very blatant in what he had to say. 03:22 And it was very painful to hear his words. 03:24 He says: "I don't love my wife! 03:27 I've never loved my wife! 03:28 I've lived with her for 20 years and I haven't loved my wife! " 03:32 Yes! And that, you know, what was painful was hearing that 03:36 but not only that but 03:38 what was very painful was knowing that 03:41 he was saying these words 03:43 and his wife was sitting right there with him. 03:46 And I remember what you said! Do You remember the words that 03:50 came out when he said that he could not love his wife? 03:54 I said: "Why can't you love her?" 03:55 That's a very basic question! 03:58 You know, my heart was breaking for her 04:00 and yet I knew that they were both having problems 04:04 but I said: "Why can't you love her?" 04:06 And he said: 04:08 "I've tried! I've tried to love her!" 04:10 "I just can't!" 04:12 And you know, for many people 04:13 that has been something that they've experienced. 04:16 They try but they can't! Because we've only tried 04:19 with human love! - That's right! 04:20 And that's what I shared with him that day. 04:22 "Your human love is not sufficient to love her!" 04:26 "But God's love working in your heart, 04:29 Divine love with human love can conquer anything! 04:33 And you can love your wife! " 04:35 That's right! 04:36 You know what was beautiful 04:39 was to know in our hearts 04:42 as we worked with many many couples 04:44 and many families to know 04:47 that deep in his heart, even though he was making a cry 04:51 of "I can't love her!" 04:53 "It will actually be better for my children 04:55 if I'm out of this family! " 04:57 While he was saying those things 04:59 we could hear the cry of his heart that he wanted 05:02 to love his wife! 05:04 And so, we had a beautiful weekend together that weekend. 05:08 And 05:10 we began to talk about a verse that I think 05:13 every listener here, every one of us needs to understand 05:17 better than we do. It's taken from Luke 9:24. 05:21 And it says there: "For whosoever will save his life 05:25 shall lose it. " 05:27 It's an interesting thought. Whosoever would save his life. 05:30 I think all of us 05:33 at least when self is in throne, when self is in control, 05:37 when we have the me focus 05:39 we wanna save ourselves, we look for ways. 05:41 And he was really looking for a way to save himself. 05:44 But the verse goes on and it says: 05:46 " but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, " 05:50 that's for Christ sake. 05:52 "shall save it. " 05:54 And we began to talk there together 05:57 with them, if you remember, about the me focus 06:02 versus the us focus. 06:04 The casting of blame, whenever we get into the me focus 06:08 if you wanna know a barometer 06:10 for the me focus 06:11 it begins to cast blame. 06:13 It begins to point a 06:15 you know "If my wife wouldn't" 06:18 "If my wife would stop doing this," 06:19 or "if I could get my wife to do this" 06:22 It begins to justify why I say what I say, 06:25 why I take the positions that I take 06:27 that's the me focus! 06:30 And it's only looking at serving self. 06:33 It's really the self pity that happens. 06:37 So, 06:38 we began to talk about how 06:41 he particularly, but both of them, 06:43 how he could surrender himself 06:46 by faith, not his circumstances, not what he'd been 06:50 through for the last 20 years, but by faith 06:52 he could surrender himself if he really wanted 06:55 to see his discord in his own heart 06:59 and in his own marriage 07:00 turn to harmony. 07:03 And he asked us a question that day. 07:05 "What is the key to the happiness I see in you?" 07:09 "What is the key to the happiness I see in your family?" 07:12 And you know, that day we shared with him: 07:14 it is not about me and it's not about my husband 07:17 it's about what God wants to make us. 07:20 And really learning how to surrender ourselves to Him 07:24 that we have harmony with Him 07:26 and when we have harmony with Him, 07:27 we have harmony with one another. 07:29 And that was the key we shared with him that day. 07:31 That's right! 07:33 Well, you know, he was 07:35 wrestling with that selfishness just like each one of us 07:39 and each one of you has experienced. 07:42 And I think that you know what it's like! 07:44 I know what it is when self wants to raise up in me, 07:47 what it feels like! 07:49 And you can feel the discord inside, 07:52 you can feel the disharmony with God. 07:55 And certainly you begin to experience 07:58 the discord between husband and wife 08:00 or in the family circle. 08:02 And so, he was experiencing that 08:04 he was wrestling with that. 08:06 And as we went through that weekend 08:08 it was so beautiful to watch 08:11 his heart changing. 08:14 And as his heart began to change 08:16 to watch what began to happen in his wife's heart. 08:21 And then 08:23 to see what began to happen in the hearts of some teenagers 08:27 that they originally wanted to talk to us about 08:29 with their problems. 08:31 After that weekend they attended that next week 08:34 a Restoration International Family Camp Meeting. 08:37 And we had an opportunity to share more 08:39 with them at that time. 08:41 And it wasn't too long after that camp meeting 08:44 that we got a special letter in the mail. 08:46 Do you remember that? - Very beautiful! 08:48 A beautiful letter and 08:51 I want you to listen to the words 08:54 that this man wrote 08:56 after an experience that was almost bringing their marriage 09:02 to an end. Listen to the words: 09:05 He said: "You probably don't know how close I was 09:08 to the edge of a deep canyon ready to jump down 09:12 into darkness. You probably remember how rebellious I was 09:16 at your home on that Friday night and Sabbath 09:19 but you held your peace and remain calm and firm. 09:23 You treated me with love and with respect. 09:26 The greatest impact on me was on Sabbath morning 09:29 at family worship 09:31 on how to be happy. " 09:33 That was our topic that day. 09:34 - That's right! - How we can be happy! 09:37 That was a special worship that morning. 09:41 Our family worships have always been special in our home. 09:44 I was trying to make them very practical for our own 09:48 marriage and our own children. 09:50 But that particular morning we were looking at how 09:53 do we have a happy family. 09:56 And it was powerful to not even knowing at the time 09:59 what an impact it was having in his life. 10:02 But on Sunday morning, 10:04 he says in his letter: 10:05 "On Sunday as we were sitting on the porch 10:09 Alane with tears in her eyes said: 10:11 "Why can't you love her?" 10:15 These words nearly pierced my heart. 10:19 At the camp meeting I was impressed with the messages 10:21 but there was still a resistance in my heart 10:24 that I could not explain! " 10:26 And I know that some of you listeners right now 10:28 may understand that resistance. You may be experiencing it 10:32 in the discord that you're having. 10:34 And you may be wanting to blame that discord 10:37 on your wife: "Oh my wife doesn't understand me!" 10:39 "If my wife would change!" 10:41 He was experiencing that resistance. 10:43 Then he goes on and says: "But 10:45 that resistance was taken away from me slowly, 10:51 message after message until it was completely removed. " 10:58 And then the letter continues on: 11:01 "When you approached me on that Sabbath afternoon Tom, 11:04 one week from being in your home, you asked me 11:06 this question: 11:08 "Are you really committed?" 11:10 And I think that's a question we all need to ask ourselves. 11:13 Are we really committed? 11:16 If we are then God can solve anything and everything. 11:20 "That was the question and then you said: 11:22 "I prayed for you that you would be committed. " 11:26 And that's something we need to be doing for one another 11:29 and for others, we need to be praying for them. 11:33 That's right! 11:34 And I wanna read his commitment to you 11:36 because it was beautiful as he shared us in the letter. 11:41 He says: "Here is my commitment: 11:44 I will do everything, go anywhere, 11:49 leave nothing undone 11:52 to see my wife 11:54 and each of my children in Heaven! " 11:59 What a commitment! 12:01 A beautiful commitment to see what he was willing to do 12:06 in that experience. 12:09 That was what? Almost two years ago? 12:11 Yes! I remember the day that letter came in. 12:14 What rejoicing it was to hear that level of commitment 12:17 from a man who refused to love his wife because 12:20 he thought it was impossible to love his wife, 12:23 - That's right! - and hadn't loved her 12:25 their entire marriage and was preparing to 12:28 leave the marriage and leave his family 12:30 to in just a few days time 12:34 changing and letting the Power of God work in him 12:36 and making that commitment to her. And 12:39 that letter was just a joy in our home. 12:42 Well, it was a tremendous blessing 12:46 not just the letter of course but to see what's happening 12:49 in their family over these last two years. 12:53 We just wanna encourage you 12:55 that if you find yourself in discord 12:58 maybe it's very serious discord, maybe it's 13:00 not that serious, whatever, 13:03 we wanna encourage you 13:05 that the Lord Jesus Christ has the solution for your discord. 13:10 No matter what it is, no matter who's fault it is 13:13 if you are willing to allow God to work in you, 13:17 you will find the answer that you're looking for. 13:21 You will be able to move to a marriage that's heart to heart! 13:25 We need to break right now and we look forward to having you 13:28 join us in just a moment. 13:39 There are many "How to?" books available, 13:41 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 13:45 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 13:48 Bible-based, matrimonial advice 13:50 is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read manner, 13:52 for those contemplating marriage, 13:54 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 13:57 and everyone in-between. 13:59 Simply call or write for your free copy 14:01 of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool 14:04 to help build a better marriage. 14:15 Welcome back! 14:16 We've been talking about God bringing discord 14:21 to harmony in our lives, in our marriages. 14:24 And we were sharing with you about 14:26 a couple, actually a family that was experiencing 14:30 tremendous discord and then what God has been doing 14:34 of the last two years in their lives. 14:37 It's been exciting to see what's happened in two years! 14:40 - That's right! - I mean, the miracle 14:43 of seeing this man really love his wife! 14:45 And you can see it! I mean it radiates from him, 14:49 and you can see her, - He's not having to try, is he? 14:51 He's not having to try! 14:52 It's something God's put in his heart, 14:54 he's cooperating with the Lord in that. 14:57 And you know, when you see his wife, 14:59 you can tell the difference! In fact I remember even asking her 15:02 "How is it been?" and she says: 15:03 "I can tell the difference, God has worked in his life!" 15:05 And that, that's just as much a modern day miracle 15:08 as it was when Jesus was here and He healed the leprous and 15:11 He raised the dead and He cast out demons. 15:14 That Miracle Power of Jesus Christ is present 15:18 in this world today if we're willing to accept that 15:21 and let Him make the difference in our lives! 15:23 And that's the exciting thing that we saw in this couple 15:26 they are no longer the same. 15:29 And, you know, his love continues to grow deeper 15:32 and deeper and becomes more and more fine-tune. 15:35 And it's not just had an effect in their marriage 15:38 but it's exciting to see the results in their family! 15:41 You know, the teenagers 15:43 who were, one of them at 18, nearly 18, 15:46 ready to walk out the door 15:49 and turn his back on the family. 15:51 He's happy to be at home at 20, he's got direction in life. 15:56 He respects his father, he loves his family 15:59 and he loves the Lord! 16:01 And he's dedicated himself to serving the Lord. 16:04 In that transformation of the father, the influence 16:07 that's had in the family. - That's right! 16:10 I think that the beautiful thing is, 16:12 and I wanna encourage each listener here 16:16 it isn't just loosing our life 16:21 for Christ sake, 16:23 you know, that verse that we read there, Luke 9:24 16:26 that if we try to save our lives if we try to save ourselves 16:30 to preserve ourselves 16:32 we're gonna end up loosing our way. 16:34 But if we're willing to let self die 16:37 and give ourselves unreservedly to Christ 16:40 it isn't just going to impact my life 16:43 it's going to impact my wife's life, it's going to impact 16:47 my, our young people's lives and that's the beauty 16:51 that God is trying to bring from discord to harmony! 16:57 And, you know, not everyone experiences discord 16:59 in their to this degree. - That's right! 17:02 It starts in the little things but 17:04 if we are willing to work with the Lord, in the little things 17:07 to loose our life for His sake and to see how He wants 17:11 to give us a change then we see 17:14 the little bit of disharmony turn into a beautiful harmony. 17:17 We don't have to wait until that it's so terrible 17:21 that we can't stand it anymore, 17:22 and we're looking for anyway out of it! 17:24 Wherever we find ourselves from the littlest discord 17:28 to the most serious discord that's where God wants 17:31 to take us and He wants to turn that into harmony in our lives! 17:36 And that's the thing that I wanna reflect on 17:39 for just a moment with each of you as our viewers. 17:44 This crisis point, whether you're standing on the edge 17:48 of an abyss like this man was, ready to 17:51 jump off as it were in this case, ready to leave his family. 17:56 He was so close to leaving his wife and his young people. 18:02 Whether you're there, and I know that they may be 18:05 some people who are there, even now as we're sharing this 18:10 or whether you're just experiencing a what we might 18:14 call the every day simple trials of life that can bring 18:19 discordant lack of harmony in the home. 18:24 What this man saw and what I came to see 18:27 and continue to see in my own life and my own marriage 18:30 is that we come to a point where we have a need. 18:34 That need we're either going to try to 18:38 fill or fulfill by getting what I think I want 18:42 and how I think I can preserve myself. 18:45 Or we're going to get it by what 18:48 God needs to do to make the difference in my life! 18:51 And in order for that to happen, 18:53 that means we have to turn away from the Devil's program 18:57 You know he has the program that the grass is always 18:59 greener on the other side, 19:01 maybe if you found some other women you'd have a better life! 19:04 Maybe if you could have less pressure you'd be a better man! 19:08 No! God wants to take us right where we are 19:11 and this man saw that need, didn't he? 19:13 - He saw the need! - He saw the need! 19:15 He recognized what God was calling for him to do. 19:18 He recognized what the Devil was calling him to do. 19:22 He made a choice that every one of us needs to make 19:25 not once in our lives but daily. 19:27 Sometimes, many times in the day. 19:29 That's right many times a day. He made a choice 19:33 to let go of self, to surrender himself to Christ! 19:36 And then he began to experience as you said the miracle 19:40 life changing Power. 19:41 No different than what the demoniacs experience, 19:44 the man by the Pool of Bethesda who was crippled for 38 years. 19:47 This is life changing power 19:49 and it's the Power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ! 19:53 It's interesting to know that when we're willing 19:56 to let Christ have us the little things that so easily upset us 20:02 are no longer issues. 20:04 You know, it's sometimes the external circumstances 20:08 they cause us to be frustrated 20:10 but we tend to take it out on those that we love, 20:13 those who are the closest to us. 20:15 And those little external things, sometimes 20:18 create internal problems. 20:20 And God, it doesn't matter what our problems are, 20:22 if they're external or they're internal 20:24 God wants to change that. He wants to make us 20:27 in harmony with Him and harmony with each other. 20:30 And that's the joy we've seen 20:32 because when we face ourselves 20:34 we know the solution is in Christ! 20:36 And when we're willing to let Him have us 20:39 then we find that joy and we have harmony with each other! 20:42 And the little things or the big things no longer 20:45 are the issues that we thought they were. 20:48 That's right! And, you know, we used to try, 20:51 just like most of us try, 20:55 Alane and I used to try to 20:58 change our discordant situations by 21:02 getting the other person to change. 21:04 - Changing each other right? - Yes! Because thought 21:06 you know, If I can get you to see it my way 21:08 you thought If you can get me to do it your way 21:11 then certainly there will be harmony, there will be 21:14 no more discord. 21:16 But you know, you can never find harmony 21:20 when you're trying to find it self's way. 21:23 And so, 21:24 being willing to loose our life 21:27 for Jesus sake, 21:29 being willing to give up for your sake, 21:33 the beauty of it is it's the more I give up for you 21:36 for Jesus sake the happier man I am. 21:41 And the more that I chose 21:44 to let the Lord lead in my life the happier I am! 21:46 - That's right! - And the more I see 21:48 the good in you, and I think that's what was so 21:50 impactive and that's why we share this experience 21:52 of this couple, because their lives were so far apart, 21:59 as he said: "ready to go on to darkness", 22:02 he knew it! And yet he wanted help! 22:05 Because he really didn't wanna go there 22:08 but he saw no other way out. 22:10 And I think that's the way it is for many people. 22:12 We really don't wanna loose our marriage, but because 22:15 we don't think there's another way 22:18 we keep following down this track that is just 22:23 propelling us to do things that we would never 22:27 in a right mind think we would ever do. 22:30 We don't realize the cost of those kind of decisions. 22:34 And I think we all need to recognize that 22:39 when we have those thoughts 22:41 and we wanna start blaming the other person 22:44 and we're not happy where we are in our marriage, 22:47 when those thoughts start to come 22:49 that's the moment! That's the moment 22:51 we need to cry out to the Lord and say: 22:53 "Lord I need your help!" 22:56 So, 22:59 let us personally challenge you today. 23:03 And whenever I say that I often remember that 23:06 I'm not gonna challenge you to anything that God 23:11 is not challenging me with, 23:13 has already challenged me with or 23:15 continues to challenge me with. 23:17 And that is if you, today, are finding yourself 23:22 in discord, no matter how small it is, 23:25 that needs to be addressed, not in the other person. 23:31 You need to be willing 23:33 by God' Grace to be willing to say: "Lord 23:38 what is it in me? What is it that's happening in me? " 23:41 Even though everything inside of you may be saying: 23:44 "It's not my fault! It's not me! It's her!" 23:49 No! 23:51 Even if it is her, God knows that. 23:55 Let God reveal to you 23:57 what He wants to do to make your discord 24:02 turn to harmony! 24:03 That will prepare you to reach her if she really has a problem, 24:07 better than anything you can do in selfishness. 24:12 So the challenge is not just for other people 24:14 it's for ourselves too! - That's right! 24:16 It's a day by day! It's a challenge but 24:19 it's not a negative thing. It's very positive 24:21 because we want to have harmony. And when 24:24 we experience that harmony 24:26 we experience the peace and the joy that it brings. 24:28 - That's right! - Ad so it may seem 24:30 challenging at first. It did to us at first. 24:33 It did to this man at first, a very big challenge. 24:36 But when we make that step as we let the Lord work in our hart 24:41 and He changes us with divine Power, mixing divine 24:45 love with our human love, 24:47 when that happens 24:49 it gets easier and easier and easier and that's 24:51 what he's experienced and that's what we've experienced. 24:53 And many others have experienced the same thing. 24:56 - It's exciting isn't it? - It's very exciting! 24:58 It's good news! 25:00 It's part of the Gospel. 25:02 The hole Gospel of Jesus Christ is taking 25:06 the discord of our lives 25:08 and making them harmonious. 25:11 It's taking the music that's out of harmony 25:14 in us and bringing us back into harmony! 25:18 And, you know, the beauty of it is 25:20 is that when we allow God to do that, 25:22 when we start allowing Him to really change that 25:26 the music that starts playing in our lives, 25:29 the harmonious, melodious, nice to listen to music 25:34 in a marriage 25:35 a marriage that's heart to heart 25:38 that music just can't stay 25:41 to yourself. 25:43 It's the music of the Gospel. It's the harmony 25:46 of life in Jesus Christ. 25:49 And we want that experience for you. And the Devil 25:53 hates for you to have that experience 25:55 and he will tell you all kinds of lies! 25:59 He will tell you: "If you give up on yourself, if you do 26:02 it God's way you're not gonna be happy! 26:05 You won't be able to do the things you wanna do! " 26:08 But I can tell you from my own experience 26:11 that those are lies of the Devil! 26:13 I've never been a happier man! We have never had 26:18 a happier marriage then when we're willing 26:21 to let go of self and do what God is calling us to do! 26:27 I hope you'll make that choice today! 26:29 I hope that you'll be willing to give up 26:32 and let God take your discord and turn it into harmony! 26:36 Honey would you close us in prayer? 26:38 Sure! 26:40 Father we recognize that we do need You 26:42 and we recognize that with You everything is made beautiful! 26:46 And that is the need that each of us have 26:49 individually and especially also as couples. 26:52 We just pray that we would be willing 26:55 to turn our hearts to You 26:57 to let You live in us in such a way 27:00 that we can experience that true beauty and harmony 27:02 that only You can make! 27:04 And that it would shine in our marriage 27:06 and through our families an to all those around us. 27:09 In Jesus name Amen! - Amen! 27:13 We hope you'll join us next time! 27:15 We're gonna be talking about something that will 27:18 aid in this process of turning discord into harmony. 27:24 It's Handling our Emotions. 27:25 Now, emotions that's a woman's thing, right, honey? 27:29 Well, women often are viewed as emotional people 27:33 but man do have emotions too! 27:35 Ok! Well we want you to join us nest time! 27:38 We want you to have a marriage heart to heart 27:41 and that can happen in Jesus Christ! 28:24 Captioning and translations Christian Media Services |
Revised 2014-12-17