Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters 00:00:28.60\00:00:32.10 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart! 00:00:33.85\00:00:35.94 We're Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:00:36.28\00:00:39.66 And we're looking forward 00:00:40.35\00:00:41.32 to our time together today as we share with you 00:00:41.33\00:00:43.96 more heart changing, life changing principles. 00:00:44.56\00:00:48.20 So we hope you have your paper and pencil ready. 00:00:49.28\00:00:51.20 We're gonna be talking today about the importance of 00:00:51.42\00:00:53.61 having honesty and integrity in our marriage 00:00:53.64\00:00:56.06 not just in our communication, that's vital 00:00:56.42\00:00:58.75 but in every aspect of our marriage. 00:00:58.78\00:01:00.76 Really honesty is 00:01:01.94\00:01:03.64 a springboard 00:01:03.67\00:01:05.30 for a lot of things that happen or don't happen in a marriage. 00:01:05.34\00:01:08.30 And 00:01:09.38\00:01:10.35 we found in our early marriage that 00:01:10.36\00:01:12.07 to be transparent 00:01:12.43\00:01:13.60 is not necessarily an easy thing to do. 00:01:13.94\00:01:15.55 That's right! It's not always easy! 00:01:16.37\00:01:18.25 Because you only wanna present 00:01:18.57\00:01:20.16 a best to your spouse! 00:01:20.19\00:01:21.64 You don't want him to really know 00:01:22.00\00:01:23.08 some of the things that you really may be struggling with. 00:01:23.12\00:01:25.43 Yes! You don't wanna be misunderstood. 00:01:25.71\00:01:27.19 We went through some of that in our early marriage, 00:01:27.90\00:01:30.39 didn't we? 00:01:30.42\00:01:31.39 Yes we did! And it started sometimes in little things 00:01:31.40\00:01:33.97 but probably the most influential, powerful 00:01:34.27\00:01:37.45 experience that we ever had in this area 00:01:37.48\00:01:40.63 was the time that we were just moving to the country 00:01:41.17\00:01:44.29 and living in that little travel trailer there. 00:01:44.76\00:01:47.05 And you didn't know it 00:01:47.44\00:01:48.65 but I was struggling with my spiritual life. 00:01:48.69\00:01:51.83 And I wanted more than anything 00:01:52.75\00:01:54.46 to 00:01:54.95\00:01:55.92 be a real Christian 00:01:55.97\00:01:57.36 and yet I felt like I was failing, failing, failing 00:01:57.40\00:02:00.43 all the time! 00:02:00.46\00:02:01.43 And we would have made the commitment to 00:02:01.79\00:02:03.27 have morning worship personal and 00:02:03.30\00:02:05.53 take that time for God every day and that had been our habit 00:02:05.92\00:02:08.53 but it seemed like the more I did the worst I got. 00:02:09.09\00:02:11.88 And I was finding myself quite discouraged. 00:02:11.91\00:02:13.90 Well, it was something that it was very interesting 00:02:14.31\00:02:15.75 and I think, that kind of 00:02:15.78\00:02:16.91 pushed us into that scenario. 00:02:18.13\00:02:21.62 And I'm thankful that it happened 00:02:21.66\00:02:23.35 and that was we moved from 00:02:23.38\00:02:24.71 a big beautiful house in the suburbs of Chicago 00:02:25.51\00:02:28.39 to a little fifth wheel trailer 00:02:29.31\00:02:30.72 while we were building our home in Montana. 00:02:31.48\00:02:33.79 And that little trailer 00:02:34.41\00:02:35.44 became a huge 00:02:35.88\00:02:37.71 well, at first it didn't seem like a blessing 00:02:38.81\00:02:40.72 but it became a huge blessing 00:02:41.28\00:02:42.54 because it was in that little trailer 00:02:43.30\00:02:44.94 with the five of us, our three little children, 00:02:44.98\00:02:47.06 that we started to see 00:02:47.80\00:02:49.20 who we were not! 00:02:49.60\00:02:50.79 We weren't always getting the pets on the back, there 00:02:51.74\00:02:54.60 that we were getting in our suburban lifestyle 00:02:54.99\00:02:57.13 and working at the hospital and being 00:02:57.16\00:02:59.12 prominate in church work. 00:02:59.37\00:03:00.57 Now we were just 00:03:01.26\00:03:02.36 facing who we really were. 00:03:02.75\00:03:04.49 And it was uncomfortable. 00:03:04.75\00:03:06.09 It was uncomfortable! I wasn't used to having 00:03:06.28\00:03:08.36 that much time with you every day, 00:03:08.39\00:03:09.73 and being in such a confined space with the children. 00:03:09.95\00:03:12.53 And I wasn't so used to 00:03:12.89\00:03:14.95 you know, occupying them 00:03:15.59\00:03:16.94 with good occupation. 00:03:16.98\00:03:18.14 But in a small space 00:03:18.18\00:03:19.27 you're very closed together all the time. 00:03:19.31\00:03:21.57 -Yes! -And I remember one 00:03:21.94\00:03:23.31 morning in particularly 00:03:23.34\00:03:24.68 I was sitting up 00:03:24.81\00:03:26.18 on the bed, over the fifth wheel 00:03:26.22\00:03:28.43 and you were down at the little kitchen table below 00:03:28.47\00:03:30.95 and I could see you down there, just a few feet from me 00:03:30.98\00:03:33.43 and we were each having our quiet time. 00:03:33.80\00:03:35.75 Our children were still all asleep 00:03:35.78\00:03:37.52 and I was looking down there at you as 00:03:37.55\00:03:39.96 you were studying your Bible 00:03:39.99\00:03:41.33 and it just seemed like you had everything 00:03:41.37\00:03:43.59 together. 00:03:43.62\00:03:44.59 And at that time I was.. 00:03:45.06\00:03:46.38 -I wouldn't believe that you could be thinking that! 00:03:46.42\00:03:47.61 But anyway. 00:03:47.64\00:03:48.61 -Well, that's the way I felt and that's what 00:03:48.89\00:03:50.52 I was experiencing from you. 00:03:50.55\00:03:52.30 And I found myself struggling because I 00:03:52.34\00:03:54.70 knew that there were things in my life 00:03:54.74\00:03:57.07 that really weren't right. 00:03:57.10\00:03:58.28 And I was not wanting to reveal those areas to you 00:03:59.02\00:04:02.60 or to anyone. 00:04:02.63\00:04:03.60 And as I sat there that morning and I was 00:04:04.00\00:04:05.94 supposedly reading I felt like: 00:04:06.59\00:04:08.43 "Is there any help for me? 00:04:08.46\00:04:09.80 I mean is there any more hope for me??!" 00:04:09.84\00:04:11.18 Because the harder I tried 00:04:11.68\00:04:13.36 it seemed like the more I failed. 00:04:13.71\00:04:14.93 And I was very discouraged. 00:04:15.15\00:04:16.61 And you know, when my mind started going down that track 00:04:16.95\00:04:19.43 my heart became very heavy 00:04:19.68\00:04:21.50 and I began to cry silently. 00:04:21.95\00:04:23.74 And all of a sudden 00:04:23.77\00:04:24.95 I mean, totally out of the blue 00:04:25.55\00:04:27.26 you just get up and start walking up 00:04:27.30\00:04:29.50 into the little bedroom, and it's like: 00:04:29.88\00:04:31.25 "Oh no! What am I gonna do!?" 00:04:31.60\00:04:32.58 and I tried dry my tears 00:04:32.61\00:04:33.82 really quick and take that 00:04:34.16\00:04:36.09 gulp, you know, to try to get that lump out of my throat 00:04:36.74\00:04:39.34 and 00:04:39.69\00:04:40.66 you caught me! 00:04:40.67\00:04:41.64 -Yes I caught you honey! 00:04:41.65\00:04:42.62 And it was a providential catching you. 00:04:42.63\00:04:44.69 Because I just looked up there 00:04:45.45\00:04:47.97 and I noticed 00:04:48.00\00:04:49.09 I could see something wasn't right in your countenance. 00:04:49.46\00:04:51.97 And I went up there and I'm so thankful 00:04:52.83\00:04:54.81 because this was another turning point 00:04:55.17\00:04:57.08 in our experience. I'm so thankful 00:04:57.11\00:04:58.99 that you were willing at that time 00:04:59.68\00:05:02.30 to be honest 00:05:02.93\00:05:04.02 and to be vulnerable. 00:05:04.45\00:05:05.42 And I was very honest and very vulnerable. 00:05:06.28\00:05:08.41 And I wasn't sure if you're gonna be 00:05:08.82\00:05:10.13 disappointed with me. I didn't really think you were 00:05:10.17\00:05:12.46 but you know, sometimes when you're feeling very low 00:05:12.50\00:05:14.76 that you think the other person 00:05:15.46\00:05:17.33 isn't gonna be accepting of you. 00:05:17.36\00:05:19.20 And that's the way I was feeling, you know, 00:05:19.89\00:05:21.82 "Do I really tell him like I feel like 00:05:22.19\00:05:23.62 I'm a failure in every way? I'm a failure as mother, 00:05:23.66\00:05:26.14 I'm a failure as a wife, 00:05:26.17\00:05:27.15 I'm a failure in my spiritual experience 00:05:27.19\00:05:29.43 I'm a failure as a Christian." 00:05:29.46\00:05:30.92 You know, and 00:05:31.32\00:05:32.29 you can just imagine those emotions that were crushing 00:05:32.73\00:05:35.14 in on me. 00:05:35.77\00:05:36.74 You weren't really a failure in any of those areas. 00:05:36.75\00:05:38.86 That was a perception and isn't it amazing? 00:05:38.89\00:05:40.98 And I think that the people out there listening 00:05:41.62\00:05:43.99 have probably experienced some of these things 00:05:44.90\00:05:47.11 It's, it can be very overwhelming when you feel like 00:05:47.73\00:05:50.68 everything is going wrong and it's not working right 00:05:50.72\00:05:53.64 and the Devil just loves to come in 00:05:53.67\00:05:55.55 and causes a feeling of hopelessness. 00:05:56.02\00:05:58.27 Well, I was honest with you. 00:05:59.15\00:06:00.90 That's right! 00:06:00.93\00:06:01.90 And I told you, 00:06:01.91\00:06:02.88 I mean I just opened up. 00:06:02.89\00:06:03.86 And I believe, like you said that God's timing 00:06:04.79\00:06:07.40 was perfect, didn't that? 00:06:07.43\00:06:08.61 Fully honest, things that I had not shared with you before. 00:06:09.01\00:06:11.86 And 00:06:12.49\00:06:13.46 in that sharing process 00:06:13.47\00:06:15.21 you were so 00:06:15.86\00:06:16.88 tender and so open 00:06:17.97\00:06:19.73 and I said: "But I see you down there 00:06:20.41\00:06:22.44 and you have your act together 00:06:22.47\00:06:23.84 and I'm never gonna make it!" 00:06:24.22\00:06:25.54 You know, "maybe the world would be better off without me" 00:06:25.58\00:06:28.47 I mean not to that extreme but, 00:06:28.50\00:06:30.43 that's kind of, you know some of 00:06:30.82\00:06:32.12 the thoughts that come in there. 00:06:32.16\00:06:33.43 And 00:06:33.46\00:06:34.43 you said: "Honey 00:06:35.44\00:06:36.41 I've seen you up there study and I 00:06:36.43\00:06:37.85 think you have your act together 00:06:37.89\00:06:39.24 and I was the one who's failing -That's right! 00:06:39.28\00:06:41.14 You know, and I think it's important for 00:06:42.17\00:06:44.11 for the people understand out there 00:06:44.14\00:06:45.93 that 00:06:46.63\00:06:47.60 sometimes this is happening 00:06:47.61\00:06:49.15 not intentionally 00:06:49.87\00:06:50.84 not because we're saying: "I'm gonna be dishonest!" 00:06:51.50\00:06:54.29 but that we don't want to open and expose that 00:06:54.83\00:06:58.57 part of us that's so vulnerable and 00:06:58.60\00:07:01.16 and what if they don't understand. 00:07:01.66\00:07:03.30 And 00:07:03.65\00:07:04.62 it's a blessing that I was really entering into your 00:07:04.63\00:07:07.20 experience because 00:07:07.23\00:07:08.47 I was looking up there you, thinking 00:07:08.51\00:07:10.79 how consistent you were 00:07:11.44\00:07:12.97 and I could count on you always being there 00:07:13.01\00:07:15.62 morning by morning, 00:07:15.65\00:07:16.62 and it was a real encouragement to me 00:07:16.63\00:07:18.07 while I was struggling in my own heart 00:07:18.38\00:07:20.44 with not feeling like I was being 00:07:20.83\00:07:22.70 all that God wanted me to be. 00:07:23.38\00:07:24.75 And so, that led us 00:07:25.39\00:07:26.70 in a turning point 00:07:27.28\00:07:28.56 in our experience. 00:07:28.86\00:07:29.83 From that day forward 00:07:30.48\00:07:32.58 we were committed to never loose touch 00:07:33.01\00:07:35.23 with who we really were spiritually. 00:07:35.26\00:07:37.45 And I was so thankful. 00:07:38.13\00:07:39.20 That morning we made a commitment 00:07:39.95\00:07:42.25 to each other! And you've heard us say this 00:07:43.34\00:07:45.07 we made a commitment, we have made so many 00:07:45.69\00:07:48.03 powerful commitments in our marriage, 00:07:48.06\00:07:50.31 and 00:07:50.95\00:07:51.92 let's face it, without making commitments 00:07:51.93\00:07:54.00 that are wordy of a marriage or wordy 00:07:54.40\00:07:56.98 of whatever we'll making those commitments on 00:07:57.02\00:07:58.96 we're not gonna be successful. 00:07:59.29\00:08:00.63 And so, that day 00:08:01.02\00:08:02.13 we made a resolve that we were going to start spending 00:08:02.55\00:08:05.76 a part of our quiet time 00:08:05.79\00:08:07.46 in study together. 00:08:08.22\00:08:09.79 And so, 00:08:10.50\00:08:11.47 do you remember what we did? 00:08:11.48\00:08:12.45 I do! 00:08:13.03\00:08:14.00 You suggested that we get the book "Desire of Ages" 00:08:14.01\00:08:16.68 and that's a beautiful book 00:08:17.18\00:08:18.24 on the life of Christ! -That's right! 00:08:18.27\00:08:19.50 And you said: 00:08:20.10\00:08:21.53 "Let's take this and let's read it very slowly, 00:08:21.57\00:08:23.82 chapter by chapter and see how Christ 00:08:24.25\00:08:27.22 lived successfully in His life in this world." 00:08:28.06\00:08:31.13 That's right! 00:08:31.16\00:08:32.13 "And then let's share at the end. 00:08:32.14\00:08:33.88 You read your, you know, you read the chapter 00:08:33.92\00:08:36.35 I'll read the chapter and the last 15 minutes 00:08:36.38\00:08:38.74 let's come together and let's share what we've each learned." 00:08:38.78\00:08:41.13 And that was so encouraging to me. 00:08:41.80\00:08:43.97 -It was powerful! 00:08:44.00\00:08:44.97 -It was powerful! 00:08:44.98\00:08:45.95 And it not only 00:08:45.96\00:08:47.30 bound us together 00:08:47.34\00:08:48.81 spiritually 00:08:49.15\00:08:50.12 but it bound our hearts together. 00:08:50.13\00:08:51.85 And from that point forward 00:08:52.23\00:08:53.55 I have been opened and honest with you 00:08:53.59\00:08:55.72 in every aspect of my life! 00:08:55.75\00:08:57.57 Amen! And that 00:08:57.74\00:08:58.94 I saw some things I 00:08:59.89\00:09:01.27 had insides into you that I never had before, 00:09:01.72\00:09:04.92 deep insides, 00:09:05.25\00:09:06.22 in that time that we had together. 00:09:06.50\00:09:08.39 And I wouldn't have traded that for anything. 00:09:08.43\00:09:10.85 So, if you find yourself 00:09:11.48\00:09:13.60 in a situation where you don't really know 00:09:14.05\00:09:16.93 spiritually where 00:09:17.94\00:09:19.17 your wife, your husband is 00:09:19.55\00:09:21.44 we wanna encourage you 00:09:21.72\00:09:22.76 that you open your heart 00:09:23.51\00:09:25.04 open your heart first to God 00:09:25.43\00:09:26.89 and be willing to admit your need and then 00:09:27.23\00:09:29.32 open yourself up in honesty 00:09:29.67\00:09:31.37 and true integrity 00:09:31.73\00:09:32.70 to the one that God has given you in your life. 00:09:33.60\00:09:35.96 Honey why don't you share that verse from Ecclesiastes? 00:09:37.37\00:09:39.70 It's a very powerful verse, it's actually two verses 00:09:40.66\00:09:43.81 Ecclesiastes 4:9 and 10 it says: 00:09:43.84\00:09:47.15 "Two are better than one;" 00:09:47.18\00:09:49.03 Haven't we found that to be the case? 00:09:49.26\00:09:50.71 -Definitely! 00:09:50.74\00:09:51.71 "Two are better than one;" and here's why: 00:09:51.72\00:09:53.34 "For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: 00:09:53.37\00:09:58.53 but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; 00:09:58.98\00:10:02.00 for he hath not another to help him up." 00:10:02.60\00:10:05.17 This is so powerful because 00:10:06.67\00:10:08.39 this is where we should find ourselves 00:10:08.76\00:10:11.42 in honesty and integrity 00:10:11.45\00:10:13.01 in a marriage that's 00:10:13.37\00:10:14.74 heart to heart. We should be encouraging, 00:10:15.42\00:10:17.62 helping rather than criticizing 00:10:17.65\00:10:20.23 pushing one another down and 00:10:20.62\00:10:22.66 fault finding. 00:10:22.69\00:10:23.77 We should be seeing the one, 00:10:23.99\00:10:25.77 when I saw you that morning 00:10:25.81\00:10:27.56 tears, 00:10:27.87\00:10:28.84 quietly, you didn't know I was seeing that, 00:10:29.40\00:10:31.76 but I wanted to come up and encourage you 00:10:32.46\00:10:34.61 little that I know, 00:10:35.63\00:10:36.60 that in us opening that conversation 00:10:37.24\00:10:39.90 that we would be encouraging one another. 00:10:40.45\00:10:42.36 And God would use this for a turning point in our lives. 00:10:42.40\00:10:45.21 But this was an illustration where 00:10:45.87\00:10:48.58 you often have come to me 00:10:48.97\00:10:50.28 and you've encouraged me 00:10:50.68\00:10:51.73 you've helped to 00:10:52.30\00:10:53.27 encourage my spirit to 00:10:53.70\00:10:55.02 to buoy me back up 00:10:55.37\00:10:56.36 when we were going through a difficult time. 00:10:56.40\00:10:57.86 This is what the "two are better than one;" 00:10:58.31\00:11:00.27 when one falls the other can be there to help. 00:11:00.90\00:11:03.89 And in this opened and honest relationship 00:11:05.22\00:11:07.46 that we have 00:11:07.85\00:11:08.82 I can be free with anything 00:11:09.52\00:11:10.99 even telling you some of the mistakes I've made or 00:11:11.03\00:11:13.34 you know, not to unload on you a hard day 00:11:13.77\00:11:16.13 but to honest where I failed in the day 00:11:16.28\00:11:18.33 and, you know, how the Lord has redirected me 00:11:18.68\00:11:21.48 to take care of that with the children 00:11:21.80\00:11:23.31 if I was wrong with the children. 00:11:23.34\00:11:24.99 But to be honest, and that's helped our children 00:11:25.03\00:11:27.05 to see that -That's right! 00:11:27.08\00:11:28.69 -you know, 00:11:28.72\00:11:29.69 they can trust that what has to represent to you, 00:11:29.77\00:11:32.42 you know, some 00:11:32.45\00:11:33.91 husbands come home 00:11:34.23\00:11:35.42 and their wife unloads this terrible thing on them 00:11:35.78\00:11:38.71 and the children are feeling like: 00:11:38.92\00:11:39.89 "Oh this didn't happened! It wasn't really that bad!" 00:11:39.90\00:11:42.04 Because it isn't from their perspective 00:11:42.07\00:11:43.88 So, 00:11:44.18\00:11:45.15 we share the not so good things 00:11:45.16\00:11:47.42 but we try to share them always 00:11:47.46\00:11:50.05 in the real experience as they really happened. 00:11:50.34\00:11:53.68 Not exaggerated, you know, trying to frame it so that 00:11:54.90\00:11:57.91 you'll come to some certain conclusion. 00:11:58.26\00:11:59.75 That's right! 00:11:59.78\00:12:00.75 You know, one of the things that we've noticed and we've 00:12:00.76\00:12:02.51 talked about this before, when it comes to honesty 00:12:02.54\00:12:04.79 our children have seen our mistakes honestly, 00:12:05.47\00:12:08.42 they have seen us 00:12:08.45\00:12:10.13 honestly confess those mistakes, 00:12:10.31\00:12:12.35 get up and keep moving on. 00:12:12.95\00:12:14.46 But you know, we've been in homes 00:12:14.78\00:12:16.23 where the parents are actually teaching 00:12:16.83\00:12:19.92 dishonesty to their children 00:12:19.95\00:12:21.91 by precept and example, 00:12:22.45\00:12:24.08 by their own example and the way they handle 00:12:24.73\00:12:26.73 their interactions and 00:12:26.76\00:12:28.02 mother's hiding things. 00:12:28.35\00:12:29.61 I mean, I remember one mother 00:12:29.65\00:12:31.72 where she was hiding the fact that 00:12:32.09\00:12:34.96 she was involved in a vice that 00:12:35.00\00:12:37.84 everyone 00:12:37.87\00:12:38.84 in her family found out 00:12:39.10\00:12:41.05 but she didn't know they found out. 00:12:41.09\00:12:42.89 And I mean, it's very hurtful for the young people, but 00:12:43.28\00:12:45.79 it's not just those real hard areas 00:12:46.53\00:12:49.48 because we've also seen parents 00:12:49.60\00:12:51.61 who are, I think almost inadvertently, 00:12:52.14\00:12:54.46 teaching their children to be dishonest. 00:12:54.49\00:12:56.78 Imagine this: 00:12:57.40\00:12:58.75 this lady gets 00:12:59.38\00:13:00.55 a phone call 00:13:01.35\00:13:02.32 and here's the scenario 00:13:02.33\00:13:03.49 that happened: 00:13:03.95\00:13:04.92 she gets a phone call, 00:13:05.95\00:13:07.01 her daughter answers the phone 00:13:08.15\00:13:09.76 and when she let's her mother know who's calling 00:13:10.74\00:13:13.82 her mother has this response: 00:13:13.85\00:13:15.63 "Oh no!" 00:13:16.36\00:13:17.49 "I hate talking to her!" 00:13:18.17\00:13:19.94 Ok now, there's the impression 00:13:21.15\00:13:22.54 ok? 00:13:22.93\00:13:23.90 Now 00:13:23.91\00:13:24.88 her mother goes to the phone, 00:13:24.89\00:13:26.20 picks up the phone 00:13:26.91\00:13:27.96 and begins to talk like this: 00:13:28.31\00:13:30.30 "Ho, it's so good to hear from you!!" 00:13:30.55\00:13:33.20 "It's wonderful!" 00:13:33.84\00:13:34.81 and she's closing the conversation 00:13:34.93\00:13:36.45 and at the end of the conversation 00:13:36.48\00:13:37.97 her daughter hears this: 00:13:38.00\00:13:39.25 she's closing like this: 00:13:40.53\00:13:41.92 "Oh, it was so nice to talk to you!" 00:13:42.42\00:13:44.08 She hangs up the phone 00:13:44.94\00:13:46.10 what she says to her daughter next 00:13:47.60\00:13:49.67 "I can't stand! I wish that woman wouldn't call me!" 00:13:50.38\00:13:53.20 She's being honest 00:13:54.33\00:13:55.95 about her feelings 00:13:56.41\00:13:57.40 to her daughter 00:13:57.84\00:13:58.81 but she's being dishonest 00:13:59.91\00:14:01.43 in the way she's handling the phone call. 00:14:01.68\00:14:03.67 And so, her daughter is getting a mixed message. 00:14:04.41\00:14:07.31 Obvious that mother doesn't like talking to this other lady 00:14:08.17\00:14:11.61 but it's also obvious that 00:14:12.20\00:14:13.42 mother's not being honest in how she's handling 00:14:13.46\00:14:15.60 this other lady. 00:14:16.01\00:14:16.98 So, here you see a role model happening 00:14:17.14\00:14:19.78 in a parental situation 00:14:20.12\00:14:21.53 that should not be happening! 00:14:21.95\00:14:23.20 It's a powerful illustration 00:14:24.85\00:14:26.97 of the role model that we can have 00:14:27.45\00:14:29.77 on our children, the impact that makes in their lives. 00:14:29.91\00:14:32.22 We need to take a break right now 00:14:32.85\00:14:34.48 and we'll come back to talk about 00:14:34.51\00:14:36.54 how we can have more honesty 00:14:36.87\00:14:38.61 and integrity in our marriages. 00:14:39.13\00:14:41.10 Stay with us! 00:14:41.40\00:14:42.37 There are many "How to?" books available, 00:14:47.02\00:14:48.82 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 00:14:49.17\00:14:52.03 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 00:14:52.41\00:14:54.35 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted, 00:14:55.18\00:14:59.60 easy-to-read manner, for those contemplating marriage, newlyweds, couples in their 00:14:59.64\00:15:04.03 golden years, and everyone 00:15:04.38\00:15:05.60 in-between. Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing little booklet, a handy 00:15:06.46\00:15:11.07 little tool to help build a 00:15:11.42\00:15:12.89 better marriage. Welcome back! We've been talking about 00:15:18.11\00:15:19.83 honesty and integrity in the marriage. 00:15:19.86\00:15:21.55 And you know honey, one of the things 00:15:21.94\00:15:23.21 I've appreciated about you 00:15:23.24\00:15:24.65 is that you're willing to be honest before God. 00:15:25.00\00:15:27.45 And that's the most important, because when we're honest 00:15:27.85\00:15:29.86 there 00:15:29.89\00:15:30.86 I know you're gonna be honest with me 00:15:30.87\00:15:32.00 as a husband, 00:15:32.03\00:15:33.00 you're gonna be honest as a father with your children, 00:15:33.12\00:15:35.12 you're gonna be honest with your friends, 00:15:35.15\00:15:37.18 you're gonna be honest in your busyness 00:15:37.30\00:15:39.11 adventures, 00:15:39.73\00:15:40.70 in every aspect. And I remember 00:15:40.71\00:15:43.36 there's been more than a few occasions when you've been 00:15:43.53\00:15:45.89 under a lot of pressure 00:15:46.53\00:15:47.86 to conform to follow after somebody else's 00:15:48.26\00:15:51.47 ideas. 00:15:51.78\00:15:52.75 And 00:15:52.94\00:15:53.91 even though it was very difficult 00:15:54.14\00:15:56.10 the honesty of your heart, 00:15:56.13\00:15:57.50 you stood for what was right! 00:15:57.68\00:15:58.95 Being honest before God 00:15:59.51\00:16:00.75 and honest to the principles 00:16:00.79\00:16:02.06 that you believe in from His Word 00:16:02.10\00:16:03.75 you stood alone and I really respect you for that! 00:16:04.17\00:16:06.70 You're not perfect! And neither am I 00:16:06.95\00:16:08.49 but I really appreciate that honesty! 00:16:08.79\00:16:10.53 And that gives me security, 00:16:10.56\00:16:12.26 trust and confidence in you as the leader in the home. 00:16:12.68\00:16:15.33 And I wanna encourage that in you! 00:16:15.65\00:16:17.44 Thank you! Well, it is encouraging! 00:16:17.48\00:16:19.24 And, you know, when I started recognizing that 00:16:19.84\00:16:22.34 if I was going to be a real Christian 00:16:22.37\00:16:24.24 I needed to be a living Christian in every area! 00:16:24.82\00:16:27.63 And 00:16:28.45\00:16:29.42 that includes honesty, 00:16:29.56\00:16:30.59 honesty of the heart, the motives. 00:16:30.93\00:16:32.82 And the Bible says in 00:16:33.49\00:16:34.50 Psalm 25:21: 00:16:34.84\00:16:37.06 "Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; 00:16:37.28\00:16:41.59 for I wait on thee." 00:16:41.62\00:16:43.15 I wanna be preserved! 00:16:44.22\00:16:45.26 I want our marriage to be preserved! 00:16:45.47\00:16:47.32 And the Proverbs 11 says: 00:16:48.13\00:16:49.70 "The integrity of the upright 00:16:49.74\00:16:51.28 shall guide them" 00:16:51.62\00:16:53.08 So, 00:16:53.44\00:16:54.41 we need this! 00:16:54.42\00:16:55.39 It's another one of those 00:16:55.51\00:16:56.76 Sure Foundations that we've been talking about 00:16:57.20\00:16:59.32 from God's Word. 00:16:59.65\00:17:00.62 I know we've talked with other couples 00:17:02.22\00:17:03.92 and this issue of honesty and integrity has been 00:17:03.96\00:17:06.67 something that's, you know, been difficult for some people. 00:17:06.70\00:17:09.45 That's right! 00:17:09.48\00:17:10.45 I mean, we 00:17:10.46\00:17:11.43 we weren't really that honest! 00:17:11.44\00:17:12.90 I mean we were honest but 00:17:12.93\00:17:13.99 you know, there's again those things 00:17:14.03\00:17:15.63 that you don't wanna really have to 00:17:15.66\00:17:17.23 to let him know, you wanna try to with on your own. 00:17:17.65\00:17:19.53 And that's good! That's where we need to start 00:17:19.84\00:17:21.82 but if we're not finding the victory in that, 00:17:21.99\00:17:24.17 if we're not able to work through it, if we haven't found 00:17:24.21\00:17:27.63 the answer for 00:17:27.66\00:17:28.79 then we need to go to the one who loves us 00:17:28.97\00:17:30.81 -That's right! -more than anyone! 00:17:30.84\00:17:31.81 And that's our spouse! 00:17:32.06\00:17:33.09 Yes! 00:17:33.12\00:17:34.09 And bear our heart in honesty! 00:17:34.10\00:17:35.35 I remember one couple and, you know, 00:17:35.39\00:17:37.61 they were sharing with us and, 00:17:37.64\00:17:39.15 actually it's been more than one couple, and 00:17:39.76\00:17:41.60 the husband has had some real challenges 00:17:41.92\00:17:44.04 in some of the things that he was choosing to look at 00:17:44.23\00:17:46.67 on the internet. -That's right! 00:17:46.70\00:17:47.86 And the willingness to come before his wife 00:17:48.19\00:17:51.44 with honesty 00:17:51.47\00:17:52.67 saying: "I don't want this!" 00:17:53.04\00:17:54.72 "But I need your help!" 00:17:55.32\00:17:56.40 You know, if we start when 00:17:57.04\00:17:58.09 when the problem is little 00:17:58.41\00:17:59.71 it's much easier to remedy! 00:18:00.06\00:18:01.69 That's right! 00:18:01.72\00:18:02.69 And, you know, it was hurtful to her, 00:18:02.70\00:18:04.37 but she saw he was calling to her. 00:18:04.65\00:18:06.44 He was looking to her 00:18:06.47\00:18:08.94 to be a help mate for him, 00:18:09.05\00:18:10.54 to help him have the victory in that area, 00:18:10.76\00:18:12.72 her as kind of the skin on, you know 00:18:13.03\00:18:15.79 the actual person there to nurture him. 00:18:16.14\00:18:18.29 That's right! And, you know, it's so important because 00:18:18.67\00:18:21.67 it did hurt her! 00:18:22.28\00:18:23.47 But, 00:18:24.05\00:18:25.02 the beauty of it is that 00:18:25.16\00:18:26.13 she was able to go pass to her and recognize that he was 00:18:26.14\00:18:28.66 being honest and vulnerable with her 00:18:28.69\00:18:30.52 and that he was doing it because he wanted to preserve 00:18:30.82\00:18:32.98 their marriage. 00:18:33.29\00:18:34.26 That's right! 00:18:34.27\00:18:35.24 You know, that other situation 00:18:35.25\00:18:36.78 where the man 00:18:37.40\00:18:38.63 didn't go to his wife 00:18:39.17\00:18:40.49 and we know many of these situations, 00:18:40.85\00:18:42.84 but he didn't go to his wife 00:18:43.31\00:18:44.80 and as a result 00:18:46.29\00:18:47.54 those thoughts kept 00:18:47.87\00:18:48.99 getting stronger and stronger! 00:18:49.61\00:18:51.55 And if he could have gone to her 00:18:52.47\00:18:53.89 and just open those thoughts while they were young, 00:18:54.19\00:18:56.80 while they were just starting up in his mind, 00:18:56.83\00:18:58.97 but he was fantasizing about situations and 00:18:59.60\00:19:02.92 what ended up happening 00:19:03.52\00:19:04.60 in this case is this man just 00:19:04.89\00:19:06.32 continued on 00:19:06.63\00:19:07.61 and that grew from something that was 00:19:08.27\00:19:10.27 you know, just a thought of his mind 00:19:11.02\00:19:12.63 until one day 00:19:13.26\00:19:14.33 he was driving through an intersection 00:19:16.05\00:19:17.86 and 00:19:19.30\00:19:20.27 the stop light camera 00:19:20.28\00:19:21.59 caught him going through a yellow light. 00:19:21.96\00:19:23.85 But that camera didn't just catch him 00:19:24.38\00:19:27.40 it caught a women 00:19:28.37\00:19:29.82 sitting next to him in his seat 00:19:30.15\00:19:32.07 with his arm around her. 00:19:32.68\00:19:34.39 Now, he didn't know that this had happened. 00:19:35.97\00:19:37.57 And so, 00:19:38.04\00:19:39.01 a few weeks later 00:19:39.03\00:19:40.00 his wife met him at the door 00:19:40.89\00:19:42.10 and you remember what happened, dear. 00:19:42.14\00:19:44.05 Oh yes! 00:19:44.24\00:19:45.21 She asked him a very direct question. 00:19:45.61\00:19:47.53 Yes! And then he wasn't very honest with her. 00:19:47.87\00:19:50.33 And then she pulled out 00:19:50.77\00:19:51.95 this set of photographs: 00:19:52.76\00:19:54.86 front view, 00:19:55.73\00:19:56.72 side view, 00:19:57.38\00:19:58.35 back view! 00:19:58.70\00:19:59.67 And he was caught! 00:20:01.16\00:20:02.30 And you know 00:20:03.39\00:20:04.36 that's really what it says in Proverbs 11:3. 00:20:04.64\00:20:07.41 It says: "but the perverseness 00:20:07.44\00:20:09.54 of the transgressors shall destroy them." 00:20:09.58\00:20:12.24 And I tell you 00:20:13.40\00:20:14.37 that marriage 00:20:14.59\00:20:15.56 went through some very 00:20:16.13\00:20:17.42 painful times, because 00:20:17.73\00:20:20.26 he was caught! He didn't come to his wife 00:20:20.59\00:20:22.30 expressing the pain 00:20:22.33\00:20:24.03 that he was experiencing in his thoughts and 00:20:24.71\00:20:27.37 be honest with his integrity 00:20:27.57\00:20:29.54 he was hiding it. 00:20:29.86\00:20:30.87 And the sin got worst and worst 00:20:31.04\00:20:33.29 until he was caught in his sin. 00:20:33.63\00:20:35.42 Thank the Lord that he was caught 00:20:36.41\00:20:38.55 before it was too late! 00:20:38.95\00:20:40.12 And thank the Lord that there's always forgiveness 00:20:41.72\00:20:44.21 -That's right! -and we can experience 00:20:44.24\00:20:46.06 that forgiveness to restore a marriage. 00:20:46.09\00:20:47.88 So, we have to ask our viewers to 00:20:48.48\00:20:50.76 be honest in your heart! 00:20:50.79\00:20:52.76 Are you living a secret life? 00:20:52.96\00:20:55.30 Behind the closed doors? 00:20:55.93\00:20:57.32 Are you going places you shouldn't be going? 00:20:57.66\00:20:59.79 Doing things you shouldn't be doing? 00:20:59.82\00:21:01.20 Looking at things you shouldn't be looking at? 00:21:01.24\00:21:02.99 Reading books or magazines 00:21:03.02\00:21:05.06 that your wife or your husband 00:21:05.28\00:21:06.95 would not want you to be looking at or reading? 00:21:07.39\00:21:09.96 Those are very important questions 00:21:10.53\00:21:12.75 because all things will be revealed! 00:21:12.79\00:21:14.98 There will be nothing hidden 00:21:15.59\00:21:16.68 and nothing is hidden -That's right! 00:21:16.72\00:21:17.77 -from the sight of God! 00:21:17.80\00:21:18.82 And that alone should help us to remember 00:21:19.41\00:21:22.39 to always live honestly 00:21:22.86\00:21:24.69 and with integrity! 00:21:25.02\00:21:26.22 And that's right! And I think if there's something 00:21:27.13\00:21:29.27 that our viewers 00:21:29.30\00:21:30.77 as they're listening, 00:21:31.07\00:21:32.04 if you are involved in something 00:21:32.05\00:21:34.09 just think about this now, 00:21:34.81\00:21:36.00 if you are involved in something, 00:21:36.04\00:21:37.59 some thought process, 00:21:37.62\00:21:39.16 something on the internet, 00:21:39.77\00:21:41.13 something that you're reading, 00:21:41.16\00:21:42.49 some 00:21:42.75\00:21:43.72 television program, whatever it is 00:21:43.91\00:21:45.57 if you're involved in something 00:21:45.75\00:21:46.89 that you 00:21:47.53\00:21:48.50 are feeling some conviction about, 00:21:48.89\00:21:50.62 something that you wouldn't be comfortable 00:21:50.66\00:21:53.24 sharing with your wife or with your husband 00:21:53.27\00:21:55.82 that's the Holly Spirit 00:21:57.02\00:21:58.12 speaking to your heart! 00:21:58.77\00:21:59.74 If you find yourself in a position where you 00:21:59.75\00:22:01.76 are rationalizing, 00:22:01.79\00:22:03.43 where you're justifying 00:22:04.03\00:22:05.45 "Well it's because my wife never...!" 00:22:05.79\00:22:07.49 If you're in that position 00:22:08.56\00:22:09.68 the first thing that needs to happen 00:22:10.91\00:22:12.91 is that you begin to ask God 00:22:13.43\00:22:15.88 to change your heart. 00:22:16.88\00:22:17.96 Because if you're in that position, 00:22:19.08\00:22:20.25 it's gonna be very difficult for you just to feel like 00:22:20.29\00:22:22.55 going and being vulnerable 00:22:22.58\00:22:24.60 with your husband, with your wife whatever the situation is. 00:22:24.99\00:22:27.89 You need to be asking God 00:22:28.52\00:22:30.06 the same God that's making you uncomfortable, 00:22:30.41\00:22:32.85 the same Holy Spirit 00:22:33.23\00:22:34.56 that is bringing some conviction 00:22:34.60\00:22:36.19 about you dishonesty 00:22:36.22\00:22:37.28 and about the things that you're doing, 00:22:37.79\00:22:39.20 maybe the things that you're seeing 00:22:39.66\00:22:41.56 when your wife thinks you're just doing busyness 00:22:41.74\00:22:44.97 on the internet 00:22:45.00\00:22:46.04 and she finds out 00:22:46.08\00:22:47.09 that she's, that her husband is doing some things 00:22:48.03\00:22:50.75 behind the scenes on the internet 00:22:51.07\00:22:52.42 that are totally inappropriate, 00:22:52.46\00:22:53.78 if the Spirit of Lord 00:22:54.13\00:22:55.43 is bringing conviction there 00:22:55.61\00:22:57.00 then turn to the Lord first 00:22:57.36\00:22:58.72 and ask Him to give you the grace 00:22:58.76\00:23:00.96 to surrender yourself to Him 00:23:01.30\00:23:03.03 and be willing to become honest. 00:23:03.35\00:23:05.96 Because, 00:23:06.19\00:23:07.16 I tell you no matter what 00:23:07.17\00:23:08.18 the consequences are 00:23:08.21\00:23:09.85 honesty 00:23:10.79\00:23:11.76 is always the best policy! 00:23:12.01\00:23:13.56 That is a worldly saying 00:23:13.77\00:23:15.41 but it is very true! 00:23:15.77\00:23:17.26 And you know, it's not just in some of those 00:23:18.36\00:23:20.19 relationship issues of honesty 00:23:20.22\00:23:22.28 it's in other aspects of the marriage. I mean 00:23:22.66\00:23:24.55 honesty in -That's right! 00:23:24.58\00:23:25.69 how the money is being used. 00:23:25.73\00:23:26.81 And are you sneaking things on the side or 00:23:27.14\00:23:29.33 buying things that the other person doesn't know about. 00:23:29.66\00:23:32.33 I mean 00:23:32.57\00:23:33.54 there's all aspects of honesty 00:23:33.55\00:23:35.35 in the marriage that we have to deal with, 00:23:35.39\00:23:36.78 honesty in our communication, 00:23:37.14\00:23:39.00 honesty in our 00:23:39.33\00:23:40.85 relationships outside of the home, 00:23:41.63\00:23:43.88 with our other family members. -That's right! 00:23:43.92\00:23:45.42 It just gets, it's all inclusive 00:23:45.76\00:23:48.32 it's all involved in our lives. 00:23:48.35\00:23:50.88 That's right! 00:23:50.91\00:23:51.88 So, 00:23:52.30\00:23:53.27 we have found 00:23:53.59\00:23:54.70 that as we have been willing to be honest, 00:23:55.00\00:23:57.16 has it ever been painful? 00:23:58.03\00:23:59.27 Painful sometimes and embarrassing sometimes. 00:24:00.24\00:24:02.98 But we have found 00:24:03.42\00:24:04.48 that in spite of those things if we are willing to be honest 00:24:04.64\00:24:07.72 and now 00:24:08.05\00:24:09.02 there's nothing that we can't talk about! 00:24:09.22\00:24:11.00 That's right! 00:24:11.34\00:24:12.31 Am I saying that honestly and truthfully? 00:24:12.77\00:24:15.26 -Absolutely! 00:24:15.29\00:24:16.26 And that is a powerful statement! 00:24:16.27\00:24:18.98 Because we have known so many marriages, 00:24:19.18\00:24:21.43 our is being one of them, 00:24:21.85\00:24:23.19 that there were things that we 00:24:23.49\00:24:24.46 had a difficult time being honest about. 00:24:24.47\00:24:26.68 We can be opened and honest to talk about anything now! 00:24:27.69\00:24:31.35 And there's nothing hidden, there's nothing unresolved. 00:24:32.02\00:24:34.77 Everything it's been brought out, 00:24:34.96\00:24:36.42 everything it's been worked through 00:24:36.45\00:24:37.88 and everything it's been honestly communicated. 00:24:38.20\00:24:41.98 No secret hidden agendas. 00:24:42.31\00:24:45.16 So, we wanna encourage you 00:24:45.69\00:24:47.07 that you consider your motivations, 00:24:48.02\00:24:50.28 consider where you are in your experience, 00:24:50.56\00:24:53.10 are there things that are hidden, 00:24:53.13\00:24:54.76 things that are uncomfortable 00:24:55.39\00:24:57.03 now is the time to face them! 00:24:57.52\00:24:59.37 Don't wait! 00:24:59.69\00:25:00.66 Honey do you wanna share the personal challenge with them? 00:25:01.21\00:25:03.36 We'd like you to begin right where you are 00:25:03.98\00:25:06.21 as Tom just said, open your heart up before God 00:25:06.25\00:25:09.15 and let Him 00:25:09.18\00:25:10.28 be the One to reveal to you 00:25:10.58\00:25:12.34 the areas in your life 00:25:12.37\00:25:13.74 that need to be righted 00:25:13.99\00:25:15.27 in your marriage 00:25:15.44\00:25:16.41 and in your own relationship to God! 00:25:16.55\00:25:18.19 And then to other relationships if there's those areas as well. 00:25:18.31\00:25:21.50 But begin today to open your heart to God 00:25:21.55\00:25:24.60 and enjoy 00:25:24.63\00:25:25.93 the cleansing Power of Jesus Christ 00:25:26.54\00:25:29.74 to give you freedom from dishonesty. 00:25:29.98\00:25:32.12 And I wanna encourage 00:25:32.75\00:25:33.85 the person on the other end of the honesty. 00:25:34.53\00:25:36.65 You know, if your husband comes to you, 00:25:37.06\00:25:39.14 after seeing this program, 00:25:39.47\00:25:41.67 and he says to you: 00:25:42.10\00:25:43.07 "Honey I just, I've got to be honest with you! 00:25:43.11\00:25:46.04 I haven't been doing right!" 00:25:46.45\00:25:47.74 We wanna also encourage you, the one that 00:25:48.85\00:25:51.07 hears this vulnerable honesty, 00:25:51.69\00:25:53.66 let God have you 00:25:54.54\00:25:55.92 with a tender forgiving spirit. 00:25:56.26\00:25:58.46 Let Christ work in you 00:25:59.22\00:26:00.43 to make the difference 00:26:01.02\00:26:02.32 that only He can make! 00:26:02.43\00:26:03.81 So, both sides of the equation 00:26:04.20\00:26:06.13 need a power outside of ourselves! 00:26:06.16\00:26:08.32 Both sides of this honesty issue 00:26:08.36\00:26:10.49 one of us may need to be honest, the other may 00:26:10.78\00:26:12.87 need to be 00:26:13.21\00:26:14.18 open 00:26:14.19\00:26:15.16 to accept and forgive 00:26:15.17\00:26:16.14 and to be able to repair 00:26:16.39\00:26:17.83 the damage in Christ and move forward. 00:26:18.32\00:26:20.64 So, 00:26:21.41\00:26:22.38 in order to do that 00:26:22.39\00:26:23.36 we need to surrender to Christ 00:26:23.39\00:26:24.93 and I believe we need 00:26:25.55\00:26:26.72 communion with Christ 00:26:27.33\00:26:28.72 to go through that. 00:26:29.06\00:26:30.03 And I think it would be a blessing right now 00:26:30.08\00:26:31.45 if we could close together in prayer. 00:26:31.66\00:26:33.30 Do you wanna pray honey? -Sure! 00:26:33.33\00:26:34.82 Father we are thankful that You 00:26:36.80\00:26:38.35 are all knowing and that You reveal to us 00:26:38.77\00:26:41.38 even some of the motives 00:26:41.41\00:26:42.56 that we may not understand, that are in our hearts. 00:26:42.60\00:26:44.81 We pray for honesty and integrity in our lives 00:26:45.47\00:26:48.00 and in our marriages Lord, 00:26:48.42\00:26:49.75 that we can have security and happiness and peace 00:26:50.08\00:26:52.91 and harmony there. 00:26:53.62\00:26:55.23 And we pray also Lord for a spirit of forgiveness 00:26:55.83\00:26:58.48 and of restoration. 00:26:59.07\00:27:00.09 In Jesus name Amen! 00:27:00.44\00:27:01.68 Amen! 00:27:02.08\00:27:03.05 Well, we hope that you'll join us next time! 00:27:04.29\00:27:06.90 We're going to be talking about money matters. 00:27:07.23\00:27:09.74 There's money matter?? 00:27:11.27\00:27:12.26 Do we need money?? 00:27:12.63\00:27:13.69 We know we need money 00:27:14.37\00:27:15.62 and we know that the love of money 00:27:16.20\00:27:18.55 is the root of all evil! 00:27:18.89\00:27:20.19 So, if we can separate those two things 00:27:20.58\00:27:22.51 and when we get together next time 00:27:23.15\00:27:24.69 we're gonna be talking about 00:27:24.72\00:27:26.13 how we can deal with the money matters 00:27:26.73\00:27:29.46 that really matter in our marriages! 00:27:29.66\00:27:31.50 Marriages that we want to be heart to heart 00:27:32.05\00:27:35.52 and that will only happen 00:27:36.35\00:27:37.65 as we're heart to heart with Jesus Christ 00:27:37.78\00:27:39.76 and heart to heart with the one we love. 00:27:40.18\00:27:42.66 Marriage in God's Hands 00:27:47.15\00:27:48.88 Executive Producer Danny Shelton 00:27:48.92\00:27:51.45 Director Jozsef Palhegyi 00:27:51.48\00:27:54.27 Video Kristin Stewart 00:27:54.30\00:27:56.78 Audio Timothy S. Dial 00:27:56.82\00:27:59.47 Floor Director Mitch Owen 00:27:59.50\00:28:02.12 Cameras Robbie D. Canton Randy Carney Mitch Owen Jeremy 00:28:02.15\00:28:07.16 Steenson Lighting Thimoty S. Dial 00:28:07.19\00:28:09.68 Set Design Douglas Garcia 00:28:09.72\00:28:12.22 Set Decoration Jodi Duncan 00:28:12.25\00:28:14.68 3D Animation Jason Wilhelm Kyle Warren 00:28:14.72\00:28:18.11 Production Coordinator Dee Hilderbrand Cheryl Volsch 00:28:18.14\00:28:20.25 Produced by Three Angels Broadcasting Network 00:28:25.66\00:28:28.37