Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:00:34.12\00:00:35.66
We're Tom & Alane Waters
with Restoration International
00:00:35.70\00:00:39.12
And we're looking forward
00:00:39.71\00:00:41.09
to today's program with you.
00:00:41.12\00:00:42.47
We're gonna be talking
about communication breakers.
00:00:43.03\00:00:45.10
So, we hope you have
your pencil and paper ready
00:00:45.13\00:00:47.17
as we begin.
00:00:47.20\00:00:48.17
You know, there are
all kinds of things that
00:00:49.57\00:00:51.77
break communication.
00:00:51.80\00:00:53.38
And we're gonna be
talking about how we can
00:00:54.47\00:00:56.48
overcome those
communication breakers,
00:00:57.18\00:00:58.90
because we wanna have a marriage
00:00:58.93\00:01:00.52
that's truly heart to heart.
00:01:00.55\00:01:02.66
You know, communication breakers
00:01:03.14\00:01:04.98
are actually what
lead to this fatal cycle.
00:01:05.01\00:01:07.23
And we've talked
about this fatal cycle
00:01:07.27\00:01:09.48
in some of our earlier programs.
00:01:10.09\00:01:12.32
That fatal cycle which
then leads often to divorce.
00:01:12.94\00:01:17.05
So, if communication
begins to break down
00:01:17.39\00:01:19.26
we start that fatal cycle,
00:01:20.04\00:01:21.87
and it's not safe to
stay in that fatal cycle.
00:01:21.91\00:01:25.34
That's right! That
fatal cycle draws us apart.
00:01:25.93\00:01:28.62
And puts barriers between us.
00:01:28.94\00:01:30.94
So, one of the
communication breakers
00:01:31.30\00:01:33.74
that we experienced
in our home early on
00:01:33.78\00:01:36.19
was the absolute statements.
00:01:36.89\00:01:39.83
"You always...!"
and "You never..!"
00:01:40.81\00:01:43.71
It seemed like any time that we
00:01:45.04\00:01:47.04
were starting to
be in the me focus
00:01:47.07\00:01:49.09
those kind of statements started
00:01:49.12\00:01:51.11
flow from us to each other.
00:01:51.14\00:01:52.73
"You always do
that!" "You never do that!"
00:01:53.10\00:01:55.76
"You always say that!"
00:01:56.13\00:01:57.34
And those kind of thoughts
00:01:58.12\00:01:59.62
those kind of words
00:01:59.88\00:02:01.06
would almost always
derail us in our communication
00:02:01.36\00:02:05.38
and cause us problems.
00:02:05.41\00:02:06.41
So, is it safe to say then that
00:02:06.45\00:02:08.20
when we're saying words
00:02:09.06\00:02:10.74
like: "You always..!"
00:02:11.33\00:02:12.89
"Why you never...!?"
00:02:13.74\00:02:14.77
in those tones of voice
00:02:16.35\00:02:17.75
that it's pretty safe to say
00:02:18.12\00:02:19.71
we are in the me focus.
00:02:19.74\00:02:21.71
We're not really looking
at being very understanding.
00:02:22.43\00:02:24.76
And we're thinking
just about my perspective.
00:02:25.67\00:02:27.92
First of all these statements
aren't even true statements.
00:02:29.38\00:02:31.67
And secondly they take us away
00:02:32.32\00:02:33.86
from the issue
that we're discussing
00:02:33.90\00:02:35.94
on to a different issue
that has no relevance to
00:02:36.25\00:02:39.12
the things being discussed.
00:02:39.56\00:02:40.86
It's kind of a side
tracking because now
00:02:40.90\00:02:43.18
if you've made me feel like
00:02:43.36\00:02:45.40
or I feel, or you
can't make me feel like
00:02:45.76\00:02:48.30
but if I get the
idea that "I always..!"
00:02:48.34\00:02:50.85
and "I never..!"
00:02:50.88\00:02:51.89
then that kind of raises a
00:02:52.80\00:02:54.60
a defensive response:
00:02:54.75\00:02:56.35
"Well, last time
I didn't say that!"
00:02:56.98\00:02:59.50
And so you say "I always..!"
00:02:59.62\00:03:01.53
and I didn't say it
last time we got into it, so
00:03:01.88\00:03:04.14
it's a side track!
00:03:04.80\00:03:05.83
And pretty soon we can
be off into something that
00:03:06.27\00:03:08.54
has no relevance
00:03:08.57\00:03:10.22
to where we started.
00:03:10.76\00:03:11.81
And we find
ourselves quite upset.
00:03:12.50\00:03:14.29
Over something that it was
never an issue to start with.
00:03:14.95\00:03:16.90
So, we've made a
decision in our home,
00:03:17.80\00:03:19.70
a commitment that
we're not going to let
00:03:19.74\00:03:21.56
these kind of
communication breakers
00:03:21.59\00:03:23.38
destroy our communication.
00:03:23.54\00:03:25.55
- That's right!
- And we've agreed
00:03:25.87\00:03:26.94
that if these come
up in our conversation,
00:03:27.18\00:03:30.06
which sometimes they still do,
00:03:30.09\00:03:31.70
that if the person who
speaks catches themselves they
00:03:32.48\00:03:35.38
can correct themselves.
00:03:35.41\00:03:36.52
That's right!
00:03:36.55\00:03:37.52
And if not the other
person in the conversation
00:03:38.06\00:03:39.72
or if we're
having a family council
00:03:39.75\00:03:41.38
anyone in our home
00:03:41.41\00:03:42.88
anyone of our children have
permission to respectfully say:
00:03:43.25\00:03:45.73
"Mother you just
said: "You always..!"
00:03:47.60\00:03:49.72
And that gives
me the opportunity
00:03:50.18\00:03:51.95
as the offender to say:
00:03:51.98\00:03:53.93
"I'm sorry, I
shouldn't have said that!
00:03:53.97\00:03:55.89
You don't always.
00:03:55.92\00:03:57.11
what I mean to say is:
00:03:57.28\00:03:58.48
often" and then I can continue
00:03:58.85\00:04:00.49
my sentence or my statement.
00:04:00.52\00:04:02.13
And it's been very
effective in our home
00:04:02.75\00:04:05.41
as a way to remedy
these communication breakers.
00:04:05.45\00:04:07.57
Very helpful.
00:04:08.20\00:04:09.17
The second area
that we wanna talk about
00:04:10.14\00:04:12.54
is bringing up the past.
00:04:13.14\00:04:14.98
You know, it's so easy
00:04:15.01\00:04:16.61
especially if
we're in the "me focus"
00:04:16.98\00:04:19.03
and we know how
00:04:19.31\00:04:20.78
we can move out
of that "me focus"
00:04:20.82\00:04:22.64
to the "us focus" but,
00:04:23.00\00:04:24.71
these
communication breakers often
00:04:25.12\00:04:26.62
happen or are stimulated
when we're in the "me focus".
00:04:26.66\00:04:29.44
So if we're in that "me focus"
00:04:29.47\00:04:31.35
it's easy to start
bringing up the past
00:04:31.39\00:04:33.61
and it's a real
communication breaker.
00:04:33.94\00:04:35.77
Because if we're holding
00:04:36.17\00:04:37.59
the other person in the past
00:04:37.89\00:04:39.47
do you like that dear?
00:04:39.50\00:04:40.54
You like to be held in the past?
00:04:40.75\00:04:41.89
No! I like to be who I am today!
00:04:42.15\00:04:43.89
Ok!
00:04:43.92\00:04:45.14
So, even if your
00:04:45.17\00:04:46.64
words or your actions
00:04:47.97\00:04:49.94
remind me of something
that's happened in the past
00:04:50.55\00:04:53.41
it's not gonna do us any good
00:04:53.44\00:04:54.80
to go back to
the past or blame you
00:04:55.42\00:04:57.76
for the past
00:04:58.09\00:04:59.06
to help resolve
this present situation.
00:04:59.17\00:05:00.99
And you probably
remember that one couple
00:05:01.91\00:05:03.65
that we had in our home,
it's a classic example of this.
00:05:03.69\00:05:07.38
This couple they
were in our home,
00:05:07.79\00:05:10.02
it was probably
over ten years ago,
00:05:10.42\00:05:12.19
and right from
the very beginning
00:05:13.18\00:05:15.60
we could see that they could not
00:05:15.63\00:05:18.02
communicate about
anything, it seemed.
00:05:18.44\00:05:20.84
And as we were sitting
together trying to talk
00:05:21.23\00:05:23.39
about their problems
00:05:23.42\00:05:25.42
and how their communication
was being broken down
00:05:25.46\00:05:28.03
one of the
things that we observed
00:05:28.72\00:05:30.09
was that they were always,
00:05:30.12\00:05:32.08
at least in the communication
that we were having with them,
00:05:32.47\00:05:35.43
always bringing each
other back in the past.
00:05:37.38\00:05:39.52
They wouldn't let it go!
00:05:39.55\00:05:41.52
And so, what was ended
up happening if you remember
00:05:41.93\00:05:44.31
is they were both
00:05:45.39\00:05:46.36
holding each other in the past.
00:05:47.13\00:05:48.37
And they weren't living very
much their life in the present
00:05:48.99\00:05:51.22
and as result
00:05:51.25\00:05:52.80
they were living a
pretty miserable experience.
00:05:53.17\00:05:55.09
Their past was destroying
their present relationship.
00:05:55.48\00:05:58.19
That's right!
00:05:58.28\00:05:59.25
They wouldn't let
the other one out of the
00:05:59.26\00:06:00.87
out of their past.
And if it's not good
00:06:00.91\00:06:03.12
why go back and relive it
and relive it and relive it?
00:06:03.16\00:06:05.69
Let's get out of this! If
it's not that good let's get out
00:06:05.72\00:06:08.00
and move forward!
00:06:08.03\00:06:09.11
That's right!
00:06:09.14\00:06:10.19
If we can take the
past out of the picture
00:06:10.22\00:06:13.02
and we're willing to
start living a present life
00:06:13.42\00:06:16.70
we'll have a better past.
00:06:16.73\00:06:17.95
if we get that dealing
in the past out of there.
00:06:18.63\00:06:21.10
Well, it was time for us to
go for our walk and talk time,
00:06:21.13\00:06:26.20
which is something
that we've done for years.
00:06:26.23\00:06:28.02
And so, we invited this couple
00:06:28.39\00:06:31.07
while we went for a walk
00:06:31.49\00:06:32.85
and we were gonna
head one direction
00:06:32.89\00:06:34.50
and we invited them:
"You go the other direction. "
00:06:34.54\00:06:36.75
And we gave them a
couple of simple rules
00:06:37.28\00:06:39.25
for communication.
00:06:39.28\00:06:40.30
We said:
00:06:40.69\00:06:41.66
"On this walk
that you take together,
00:06:41.89\00:06:43.53
while we go out and
have our time together,
00:06:43.57\00:06:46.00
we want you
00:06:46.36\00:06:47.42
to remember what it was
00:06:48.07\00:06:50.24
that attracted
you to one another!"
00:06:50.28\00:06:52.12
You remember that?
00:06:52.15\00:06:53.12
"What it was that really
made it meaningful for you
00:06:53.56\00:06:56.57
in your early, your
courtship and prayer to marriage
00:06:56.96\00:07:00.77
and talk about what it was there
00:07:01.11\00:07:03.50
that made it so meaningful.
00:07:03.95\00:07:05.36
Why you were brought together?
00:07:05.40\00:07:06.78
And then we want
you to each try to focus
00:07:07.44\00:07:11.37
your attention on
the positive things
00:07:11.82\00:07:14.37
that you liked about that person
00:07:15.06\00:07:16.56
in your early married life.
00:07:16.85\00:07:18.48
Don't talk about anything
else from the time you leave
00:07:18.99\00:07:22.77
this house until we
come back together!"
00:07:23.13\00:07:25.10
And do you
remember how they came back?
00:07:25.83\00:07:27.02
They came back a different
couple then what they left.
00:07:27.93\00:07:30.20
I think it was quite eye opening
and quite challenging for them.
00:07:30.44\00:07:33.64
But they were
willing, they wanted
00:07:34.33\00:07:36.29
- to regain that
unity, - That's right!
00:07:36.58\00:07:38.53
they wanted to
regain that relationship.
00:07:38.57\00:07:40.49
And they were willing
to take that suggestion
00:07:40.85\00:07:42.99
and to discipline
themselves on that walk.
00:07:43.34\00:07:46.23
And when they came back
00:07:46.62\00:07:47.97
they were holding hands,
they were happy and they had
00:07:48.32\00:07:50.54
broken that fatal cycle.
00:07:50.57\00:07:52.14
That's right!
00:07:52.17\00:07:53.46
That fatal cycle that, you know,
00:07:53.49\00:07:54.57
once we get start down
this track it just is like a
00:07:54.61\00:07:57.33
you know,
something that sucks us down
00:07:57.72\00:07:59.33
and we just find it very
difficult to get out of it.
00:07:59.37\00:08:01.80
And not only that, but
it gave them new ground
00:08:02.26\00:08:05.32
to start and to
advance in their communication.
00:08:05.36\00:08:08.39
And now it's
incredible to see this couple.
00:08:08.75\00:08:11.18
They enjoy each other,
they have no problems in
00:08:11.21\00:08:13.61
their
communication. - That's right!
00:08:13.64\00:08:14.84
It's exciting to see what can
happen and how we can change.
00:08:15.17\00:08:18.69
Yes! And that's
00:08:18.72\00:08:19.69
that's what's exciting.
And we wanna encourage you
00:08:20.15\00:08:22.54
as a viewing audience that
00:08:23.61\00:08:24.88
sometimes it just
takes a launching off point
00:08:25.80\00:08:28.87
in these communication breakers.
00:08:29.96\00:08:31.31
Somebody
00:08:31.34\00:08:32.31
in the marriage
needs to be willing to be
00:08:32.52\00:08:35.11
vulnerable to start
making a difference.
00:08:35.14\00:08:37.70
And this was a
lunging off place for them.
00:08:38.36\00:08:40.60
They went back to
a very positive time
00:08:40.63\00:08:42.84
in their lives and
00:08:42.87\00:08:44.57
they started a new
life together really.
00:08:44.60\00:08:47.25
That's what ended up happening.
00:08:47.58\00:08:48.98
Well, let's talk
about number three,
00:08:50.60\00:08:52.12
the next
communication breaker, and
00:08:53.15\00:08:54.81
believe me, there's many more
00:08:55.68\00:08:57.22
communication breakers
that we could talk about
00:08:57.26\00:08:59.31
but time would not permit.
00:08:59.34\00:09:00.90
So, number three
00:09:00.93\00:09:02.18
is the screamer,
00:09:02.49\00:09:04.17
the yeller!
00:09:04.87\00:09:05.84
Those really loud
over powering voices
00:09:06.90\00:09:10.04
you know, that come
out of real irritation
00:09:10.64\00:09:13.56
that come out of the
passions or even rage sometimes.
00:09:13.91\00:09:17.77
And those loud voices
00:09:18.73\00:09:21.58
actually carry with them
00:09:21.95\00:09:23.38
a spirit of force.
00:09:23.69\00:09:24.98
You know, it's interesting
00:09:25.01\00:09:27.54
when I talk with
someone we do a lot of
00:09:29.10\00:09:31.78
seminars internationally
different countries.
00:09:32.08\00:09:34.46
And it's, I kind of
smile about it because
00:09:34.50\00:09:36.85
sometimes when
I'm talking to people
00:09:37.21\00:09:39.17
who are speaking
a different language
00:09:39.51\00:09:41.79
I somehow think
00:09:42.46\00:09:43.78
and I know it
isn't true, but somehow
00:09:44.09\00:09:45.53
I find myself
00:09:45.56\00:09:46.83
if I speak louder
00:09:47.43\00:09:49.59
and slower
00:09:49.95\00:09:51.24
maybe they'll
understand my English.
00:09:51.43\00:09:53.90
My family has laughed at me
00:09:55.33\00:09:56.76
that's a little bit
of exaggeration, but
00:09:56.80\00:09:59.54
isn't that true?
Sometimes we somehow think
00:09:59.89\00:10:02.36
that if I can just
get my point across
00:10:02.71\00:10:05.75
you will understand!
00:10:06.22\00:10:07.36
And it doesn't change
the understanding at all!
00:10:08.59\00:10:11.24
What it does, it
communicates a deeper message.
00:10:11.59\00:10:13.63
if it's done in the passion,
and frustration and anger.
00:10:13.95\00:10:16.83
That's right!
00:10:16.86\00:10:18.18
It's understood in a
language barrier, because
00:10:18.21\00:10:19.98
it happens naturally.
00:10:20.01\00:10:21.40
But in a home, in a marriage,
00:10:21.76\00:10:23.54
where there's already
communication problems
00:10:23.58\00:10:25.72
loud voices only
intensifying the problem.
00:10:26.05\00:10:28.81
They don't solve anything.
00:10:28.84\00:10:30.58
- Yes! - So this is an area that
00:10:30.93\00:10:31.92
we have had in our home
in the past a long time ago.
00:10:32.39\00:10:35.91
And I'm thankful
it's a long time ago.
00:10:35.94\00:10:37.43
And we agreed again
00:10:37.95\00:10:39.45
we made another commitment
00:10:39.49\00:10:40.71
that this was no
longer gonna be a part
00:10:40.75\00:10:42.82
of how we
communicated in our home.
00:10:42.86\00:10:44.77
That's right!
00:10:44.80\00:10:45.90
And we hope that each one of you
00:10:45.93\00:10:47.07
listening today
00:10:47.66\00:10:48.80
will take notes and
00:10:49.19\00:10:50.97
make these type of commitments
00:10:51.62\00:10:53.61
even if it's just you,
a single person listening
00:10:53.82\00:10:57.18
it can make such a difference
00:10:57.31\00:10:58.73
in how you
respond to your spouse
00:10:59.07\00:11:01.32
that it will encourage
them to start talking to you
00:11:01.68\00:11:04.38
in the same spirit
and in the same tone
00:11:04.64\00:11:06.86
in which you talk to them.
00:11:06.89\00:11:08.17
In fact a good
example of that is
00:11:08.47\00:11:10.27
I remember once I had
laryngitis and I started
00:11:10.59\00:11:12.86
whispering all around the house.
00:11:12.89\00:11:14.87
That's right!
00:11:14.90\00:11:15.87
And the hole family whispered
until my voice was back.
00:11:15.88\00:11:18.22
That's right!
00:11:18.25\00:11:19.27
Just by my influence.
00:11:19.30\00:11:20.27
So, by our influence
of speaking in a normal
00:11:20.61\00:11:23.39
tone of voice we can
00:11:23.75\00:11:24.72
help to diminish
these loud yelling
00:11:25.80\00:11:28.68
sharp responses.
00:11:29.23\00:11:30.82
I remember that and
that's actually a very powerful
00:11:31.20\00:11:34.02
example because it wasn't
00:11:34.05\00:11:37.19
that I went around to
the children and said:
00:11:37.22\00:11:39.09
"Now, mother
can't use her voice so,
00:11:40.08\00:11:42.57
let's all make
mother feel better!"
00:11:43.06\00:11:44.71
"Talk real
quietly and whisper. "
00:11:45.32\00:11:48.07
But it was by beholding.
00:11:48.68\00:11:49.85
You know, there's a law,
a law in the mind that says
00:11:50.12\00:11:53.25
"By beholding we
become changed. "
00:11:53.28\00:11:54.93
And as we tuned in to you
00:11:55.38\00:11:57.63
we started talking
like you were talking.
00:11:59.37\00:12:01.66
You know, that's
another communication breaker.
00:12:02.76\00:12:04.59
Though if we can take that
00:12:04.62\00:12:05.65
there's the person,
and we've known couples
00:12:06.55\00:12:09.08
personally, who
have gone into the
00:12:09.34\00:12:11.09
they talk so quietly
00:12:11.72\00:12:13.22
or they mutter.
00:12:13.25\00:12:14.79
And sometimes muttering
00:12:15.09\00:12:16.49
is really just a
reflection of self
00:12:16.80\00:12:19.02
not speaking clearly.
00:12:19.32\00:12:21.00
And we know one couple that
00:12:21.34\00:12:22.91
the man couldn't hear that well
00:12:23.56\00:12:24.97
and it seemed
like the wife actually
00:12:25.01\00:12:27.54
kind of prodded him
00:12:27.57\00:12:29.86
by talking quietly.
00:12:30.16\00:12:31.43
And then she'd say
00:12:31.80\00:12:33.06
something like: "Well
00:12:33.24\00:12:34.21
how come you're
not answering me?!"
00:12:34.44\00:12:35.91
Now, she said that
00:12:36.31\00:12:37.28
so he could hear.
00:12:37.44\00:12:38.75
And he's saying:
00:12:38.78\00:12:39.99
"Well, I didn't know
you were talking to me. "
00:12:40.02\00:12:41.54
And it created frustration.
00:12:42.03\00:12:43.94
So, communication breakers
00:12:44.66\00:12:46.47
can happen from
talking real loud
00:12:46.51\00:12:48.65
or muttering and
talking so quietly that
00:12:49.38\00:12:52.05
the person is frustrated
and can't really hear.
00:12:52.38\00:12:54.91
I know in our home too
00:12:55.88\00:12:57.19
in that
loudness aspect sometimes
00:12:57.79\00:12:59.94
we've find it even more.
00:12:59.97\00:13:01.81
And sometimes
00:13:02.24\00:13:03.21
one of our
children or you can say
00:13:03.34\00:13:05.30
you sense a spirit of intensity.
00:13:05.77\00:13:07.65
Not that the voice is escalating
00:13:07.96\00:13:09.91
but that there's a
spirit of intensity there.
00:13:10.27\00:13:12.46
So we've agreed that
we're gonna be allies
00:13:13.04\00:13:15.05
and not enemies.
00:13:15.08\00:13:16.05
We are here to work together
00:13:16.37\00:13:17.77
to conquer, you
know, this life here,
00:13:18.31\00:13:21.01
together.
00:13:21.04\00:13:22.01
And so, we
wanna help each other.
00:13:22.70\00:13:24.24
So now, we'll even say:
00:13:24.53\00:13:25.88
"Honey
00:13:26.18\00:13:27.15
I'm sensing a little
intensity in your voice
00:13:27.34\00:13:29.60
or in the spirit
that's there" - That's right!
00:13:29.95\00:13:31.95
And by having agreed
to that ahead of time
00:13:33.45\00:13:35.60
when you say that to me
or when I say that to you
00:13:35.91\00:13:38.52
it doesn't bring
the defensiveness
00:13:39.28\00:13:41.66
that it could if it hadn't
had been discussed before.
00:13:41.70\00:13:44.00
'Cause we're allies now.
00:13:44.03\00:13:45.12
That's right! We're not enemies!
00:13:45.16\00:13:46.50
And I think that
concept of being allies
00:13:46.54\00:13:48.46
it was very
impactive for us as we
00:13:48.49\00:13:50.73
we recognized that when
would start letting that
00:13:51.20\00:13:54.26
self focus come in
we started being enemies
00:13:54.29\00:13:56.82
and we didn't
wanted to be enemies.
00:13:56.85\00:13:58.62
I mean I love my
wife, she loves me
00:13:58.66\00:14:00.40
but we'd start
going to our corners and
00:14:00.72\00:14:02.71
when we realized that
we can be allies against
00:14:04.27\00:14:06.61
the common foul it's the Devil
00:14:06.64\00:14:08.97
and the selfishness
that is so nit to the Devil
00:14:09.59\00:14:12.07
that comes out of us.
00:14:12.10\00:14:13.74
The Devil is our
enemy! Self is our enemy!
00:14:14.08\00:14:16.11
And so we aren't
enemies together!
00:14:16.43\00:14:18.26
So, when we
started agreeing that
00:14:18.90\00:14:20.44
we're gonna be allies together
00:14:20.48\00:14:21.99
what a difference it made!
00:14:22.29\00:14:23.39
We're allies now!
00:14:23.42\00:14:24.67
We're not enemies!
00:14:25.06\00:14:26.05
And so, when we
recognized this happening
00:14:26.38\00:14:28.45
we're gonna work together
00:14:28.82\00:14:30.43
through this and
against our common foul
00:14:30.47\00:14:32.70
with the Lord.
00:14:33.01\00:14:34.03
So,
00:14:35.13\00:14:36.10
we need to talk about some
more communication breakers
00:14:36.17\00:14:38.37
but we'll be back
00:14:38.52\00:14:39.57
in just a moment
after we take this break!
00:14:39.61\00:14:41.55
So stay with us!
00:14:41.58\00:14:42.55
There are many "How
to?" books available,
00:14:48.11\00:14:49.96
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple:
00:14:50.26\00:14:53.10
how you can "Build
a Better Marriage".
00:14:53.58\00:14:55.40
Bible-based, matrimonial advice
is given in a lighthearted,
00:14:55.84\00:14:59.79
easy-to-read manner, for
those contemplating marriage,
00:14:59.82\00:15:02.29
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:15:02.33\00:15:05.17
and everyone in-between.
00:15:05.48\00:15:07.34
Simply call or
write for your free copy
00:15:07.61\00:15:09.41
of this amazing little
booklet, a handy little tool
00:15:09.45\00:15:12.15
to help build a better marriage.
00:15:12.18\00:15:13.99
Welcome back!
00:15:19.66\00:15:20.65
As we were talking about
00:15:20.99\00:15:22.36
communication breakers.
00:15:22.58\00:15:23.92
And I'm sure you've
been able to relate to these.
00:15:24.09\00:15:25.99
Maybe they don't
all affect you but
00:15:26.02\00:15:27.48
they've all affected us and
00:15:28.17\00:15:29.45
the one that I
wanna talk about next,
00:15:29.99\00:15:31.55
the fourth communication breaker
00:15:31.58\00:15:33.69
it's one that really
broke the communication
00:15:34.91\00:15:37.21
in our early
marriage. Didn't it dear?
00:15:37.54\00:15:39.51
Yes!
00:15:39.54\00:15:40.84
I call it "driving on ice".
00:15:41.12\00:15:42.70
It goes something like this:
00:15:43.32\00:15:44.57
I'm looking straight ahead.
00:15:48.78\00:15:50.03
I don't turn to look at my wife.
00:15:50.38\00:15:52.16
I am really acting like
00:15:52.54\00:15:54.76
I've got to
concentrate on my driving.
00:15:55.24\00:15:56.80
And we have met so many couples,
00:15:56.83\00:15:58.89
now it may sound funny,
00:15:59.46\00:16:00.60
but we have met so many people
00:16:00.88\00:16:02.49
that struggle with this.
00:16:02.78\00:16:03.75
The husband acts like
he's got nothing to say.
00:16:03.76\00:16:07.35
He's got to
concentrate on his driving
00:16:07.58\00:16:09.39
he's looking straight ahead,
00:16:09.42\00:16:11.01
and he's wife is just
00:16:11.31\00:16:12.60
left there in the car.
00:16:13.17\00:16:14.65
How does that make you feel?
00:16:14.75\00:16:15.84
Lonely!
00:16:16.75\00:16:17.72
It was a tough area
for us at the beginning
00:16:18.31\00:16:20.61
because we were used to
talking about everything
00:16:21.52\00:16:23.57
- Yes! - and freely,
00:16:23.89\00:16:24.86
and anytime.
00:16:25.71\00:16:26.68
And now we had all
this half hour to work
00:16:26.97\00:16:29.31
or 45 minutes to
and from work every day.
00:16:29.35\00:16:31.66
And first: you
weren't a morning person,
00:16:33.32\00:16:34.83
then you had to
drive intensely going home,
00:16:35.65\00:16:38.39
even if it wasn't
winter and there was no ice.
00:16:38.42\00:16:41.13
It was like you were just
00:16:41.43\00:16:42.71
stow right there, you
know, behind the wheel.
00:16:43.11\00:16:45.12
You know, and I
would try to talk and share
00:16:45.16\00:16:47.14
but it's like you
weren't really hearing
00:16:47.17\00:16:48.45
or not interested.
00:16:48.48\00:16:49.82
You know, what really upset you
00:16:49.85\00:16:51.25
I remember the day,
00:16:51.28\00:16:52.25
and husbands tune in to
this if you have this problem
00:16:53.04\00:16:55.60
because I remember the day that
00:16:55.63\00:16:57.54
one of my buddies
road with me in the car
00:16:57.67\00:17:00.17
and my wife
00:17:01.21\00:17:02.18
being gracious
00:17:02.20\00:17:03.17
took the back seat.
00:17:03.73\00:17:04.79
What to my
driving on ice then dear?
00:17:06.75\00:17:08.91
You were like you
were on a tropical island
00:17:10.26\00:17:11.95
with no pressures at all,
like you had so much to say.
00:17:11.99\00:17:16.58
And your head
turned so many times
00:17:16.79\00:17:18.42
to your buddy
sitting next to you.
00:17:18.46\00:17:20.08
And I thought:
00:17:20.11\00:17:21.20
"What's wrong with me?"
00:17:21.23\00:17:22.20
It was terrible, wasn't it?
00:17:22.26\00:17:23.23
It was pretty hurtful.
00:17:23.86\00:17:24.83
Well, these silences
00:17:24.84\00:17:27.38
they're not
silences that are golden
00:17:27.42\00:17:29.86
they're silences of self.
00:17:30.43\00:17:32.60
And it's interesting
00:17:32.63\00:17:34.06
we spend a lot of time
in airports as we travel
00:17:34.37\00:17:36.90
and we've made some very
interesting observations.
00:17:37.35\00:17:39.86
We could probably go around
00:17:40.76\00:17:43.13
in the airport, just randomly,
00:17:44.23\00:17:45.62
go around and tell you
00:17:45.65\00:17:47.87
where the married couples were
00:17:48.77\00:17:50.48
and where the friends are.
00:17:50.85\00:17:52.47
Or where the married couples are
00:17:53.04\00:17:54.71
and where the ones in a
dating relationship are.
00:17:54.75\00:17:58.06
It is very interesting because
00:17:58.66\00:18:00.32
many of the married couples
00:18:00.35\00:18:01.98
are no longer communicating.
00:18:02.79\00:18:04.72
They've got their newspaper,
00:18:05.26\00:18:06.46
their book, they've
got whatever they're doing
00:18:06.50\00:18:08.98
or they're sitting with
a blank stare on their face
00:18:09.01\00:18:11.81
or watching the television
00:18:11.84\00:18:13.10
because they're
not communicating.
00:18:13.92\00:18:15.05
Their communication is broken.
00:18:15.55\00:18:17.33
Isn't that true?
00:18:17.43\00:18:18.40
Yes! I mean
everywhere you go you see it.
00:18:18.41\00:18:20.56
In fact I remember
getting on the airplane once
00:18:20.60\00:18:22.88
and the flight attendant said:
00:18:22.91\00:18:24.31
"Are you newlyweds?"
00:18:24.65\00:18:25.67
I said: "No!"
00:18:25.70\00:18:26.73
She said:
00:18:27.07\00:18:28.04
"Well,!" You know
I asked her: "Why?"
00:18:28.08\00:18:29.61
"Well, because you guys
look like you love each other"
00:18:29.65\00:18:31.47
"So, well we do!
We're husband and wife!
00:18:31.50\00:18:32.81
I mean we've been
married for years!"
00:18:32.84\00:18:34.12
And then the
same flight attendant,
00:18:35.71\00:18:36.78
a few weeks later,
00:18:37.13\00:18:38.16
thought maybe I
was pregnant because
00:18:38.20\00:18:39.46
I was so happy just
00:18:39.49\00:18:40.75
talking to my husband.
I mean isn't that normal?
00:18:41.29\00:18:43.87
But it's not really normal.
00:18:44.72\00:18:46.03
- And that's the
said part! - It is!
00:18:46.07\00:18:47.45
And we wanna break that cycle!
00:18:47.48\00:18:49.35
- That's right!
- That fatal cycle!
00:18:49.46\00:18:50.61
And silence needs to be broken!
00:18:50.94\00:18:52.68
We need to learn
how to communicate
00:18:52.71\00:18:54.50
even if it's a
little uncomfortable.
00:18:54.53\00:18:56.23
That's right!
00:18:56.26\00:18:57.61
So the next area
that we wanna talk about
00:18:57.64\00:18:59.99
is similar to that,
00:19:00.02\00:19:01.15
another communication breaker.
00:19:01.70\00:19:03.32
And that's called "sleep".
00:19:03.71\00:19:05.27
Now we all need sleep!
00:19:05.38\00:19:06.92
Everyone of us do!
00:19:07.05\00:19:08.30
But sometimes
00:19:08.59\00:19:09.80
when we go to bed
00:19:10.54\00:19:11.52
you and I like to talk.
00:19:11.93\00:19:13.19
Oh, that's a great talk time!
00:19:13.23\00:19:14.53
It's a great talk time
00:19:14.56\00:19:15.71
and I think many
couples like that
00:19:15.75\00:19:17.69
but if one of the spouses
00:19:18.79\00:19:20.41
begins to snore
00:19:22.49\00:19:23.65
within the first few minutes
00:19:23.69\00:19:25.06
it can be a serious
communication breaker.
00:19:25.36\00:19:28.44
Honey do I snore?
00:19:28.47\00:19:29.44
Yes! You do snore!
00:19:31.34\00:19:32.51
So that sounds like
I'm the culprit in this.
00:19:32.66\00:19:34.30
Well I've fallen
asleep on you too.
00:19:34.33\00:19:35.98
And it's not that
it's wrong, - That's sure!
00:19:36.02\00:19:37.25
- but we have,
00:19:37.76\00:19:39.13
in our home we've decided that
00:19:39.16\00:19:41.04
if we are tired
00:19:41.68\00:19:43.47
and we sense that we're starting
00:19:43.58\00:19:45.06
to drift off and asleep
00:19:45.09\00:19:46.47
when our spouse is
telling us something
00:19:46.51\00:19:48.64
that's important to them
00:19:48.67\00:19:49.68
that we will say
something like this:
00:19:50.58\00:19:52.06
"I'm sorry, I'm dozy"
or "I'm getting tired"
00:19:52.10\00:19:54.21
"Can we set a time to
talk about it tomorrow?"
00:19:55.62\00:19:57.30
"Don't take it personally!"
00:19:57.33\00:19:58.30
"Don't take it personally!"
00:19:58.49\00:19:59.46
So,
00:20:00.11\00:20:01.08
if we don't
00:20:01.96\00:20:03.07
if we don't have
that kind of communication
00:20:03.11\00:20:06.25
just to keep falling asleep
night after night, after night,
00:20:06.57\00:20:09.24
after night, after night!
00:20:09.27\00:20:10.24
The other one feels like:
00:20:10.58\00:20:11.95
"I'm not being cared for.
00:20:12.46\00:20:13.72
He doesn't really care
for me. He doesn't really..
00:20:13.75\00:20:15.99
He's not really interested.
Does he really love me?
00:20:16.11\00:20:18.10
And it leads into questions
00:20:18.42\00:20:21.90
that should never be
being raised in a marriage.
00:20:21.94\00:20:24.69
That's right!
00:20:24.72\00:20:25.69
So, that's a
communication breaker!
00:20:26.12\00:20:27.66
It is! Well,
00:20:27.69\00:20:29.97
the sixth area
that we wanna talk about
00:20:30.62\00:20:32.47
is "laughter and tears".
00:20:33.20\00:20:35.09
Now before you
jump to any conclusions
00:20:35.12\00:20:39.21
you know
laughter in and of itself
00:20:39.65\00:20:41.35
is not a communication breaker.
00:20:41.38\00:20:43.83
We enjoy good hearty laughter
00:20:43.87\00:20:46.29
in our marriage and in our home.
00:20:46.63\00:20:47.94
Yes! And we have
it fairly, regularly.
00:20:47.98\00:20:50.51
And shedding tears,
00:20:50.54\00:20:51.51
there's nothing
wrong with shedding tears.
00:20:51.52\00:20:52.49
I know, there are a lot of men
00:20:53.01\00:20:53.99
that had been
raised with this idea that
00:20:54.03\00:20:55.88
it's not ok that to have
tears or to show emotion.
00:20:55.92\00:20:59.15
That's an improper thought, but
00:20:59.18\00:21:01.29
listen as we talk about how
00:21:01.85\00:21:03.90
that affects in the wrong way.
00:21:04.21\00:21:06.84
Do you remember?
00:21:06.87\00:21:07.84
In the early part
of our marriage we
00:21:08.44\00:21:09.73
learned a lot of tough lessons
00:21:09.76\00:21:11.23
in the first part of our
marriage. And I'm thankful
00:21:11.60\00:21:12.88
that we learned
them, now, because our love
00:21:12.91\00:21:15.23
was enduring love!
00:21:15.26\00:21:16.71
That's right! Because
we did love each other!
00:21:16.75\00:21:18.86
Even though we were
finding these struggles.
00:21:19.26\00:21:21.06
It's what
brought us through that!
00:21:21.62\00:21:22.92
Yes!
00:21:22.95\00:21:23.92
That's right!
00:21:23.93\00:21:24.90
You used to laugh
00:21:25.59\00:21:26.56
at what I
considered some of the most
00:21:26.70\00:21:28.02
inappropriate times.
00:21:28.05\00:21:29.51
You remember that? - Oh yes!
00:21:31.41\00:21:32.81
And sometimes my laughter
00:21:34.17\00:21:36.13
broke communication
00:21:37.56\00:21:38.53
because it was upsetting to you.
00:21:38.54\00:21:39.73
And it wasn't,
because I wasn't caring
00:21:40.61\00:21:42.23
but sometimes
00:21:42.82\00:21:43.90
it wasn't
appropriate for me to laugh.
00:21:45.44\00:21:47.42
I remember
asking you one time, so
00:21:47.59\00:21:49.24
"What do I have to
do? Cut my hand off?
00:21:50.17\00:21:52.44
And then you won't laugh!?"
00:21:53.29\00:21:54.84
Sometimes is just how
circumstances strike you.
00:21:57.26\00:22:01.16
And so I have to be sensitive
00:22:01.32\00:22:02.80
that I just don't start
laughing at the circumstances
00:22:02.84\00:22:05.64
that happened
that caused you pain.
00:22:05.81\00:22:07.23
Now, it didn't take
me long to realize that
00:22:07.57\00:22:09.79
you weren't really
laughing at me but that's
00:22:09.83\00:22:12.02
you know, it was pretty
hard to separate that at first.
00:22:12.46\00:22:14.12
- Yes. And now you -
It's like: Oh it's that funny?
00:22:14.15\00:22:15.83
that I just
smashed my finger!?" Right?
00:22:15.86\00:22:17.68
And now you've learned to laugh
00:22:18.34\00:22:20.04
and we've learned
to laugh together.
00:22:20.08\00:22:21.54
And so you can laugh when I
fall down on the ice as well.
00:22:21.58\00:22:24.04
But
00:22:24.07\00:22:25.04
what is the
other aspect that I had
00:22:25.05\00:22:27.17
and this was the
problem that I had,
00:22:27.20\00:22:29.39
is sometimes I would laugh when
00:22:29.42\00:22:31.42
things weren't funny. I mean
not those kind of things, but
00:22:31.45\00:22:34.07
- The pressure! -
When we.. The pressure,
00:22:34.32\00:22:35.69
stress, under stress,
not knowing how to respond.
00:22:36.00\00:22:39.67
You know, we could be
in a difficult situation
00:22:39.82\00:22:42.41
and I would just
break out laughing.
00:22:42.44\00:22:44.15
I never understood that!
00:22:44.18\00:22:45.68
At least for a while!
00:22:46.01\00:22:47.29
It was a stress relief but
it didn't relive the stress
00:22:47.33\00:22:50.56
because
00:22:50.59\00:22:51.56
you know, it only
made you more upset.
00:22:51.78\00:22:53.22
"So how could
you laugh at this?"
00:22:53.25\00:22:54.66
- Yes! "- This isn't funny!"
00:22:54.78\00:22:56.18
So, laughter is
good in a marriage!
00:22:57.05\00:22:59.23
But it has to be understood
00:22:59.53\00:23:01.79
in how is used. Laugh
with someone and not at them.
00:23:02.35\00:23:05.33
Yes! And
00:23:05.67\00:23:06.64
aren't you glad we're not
in those kind of stressful
00:23:06.86\00:23:09.48
situations in
our marriage anymore?
00:23:09.51\00:23:11.06
- Oh yes! -
Isn't that a blessing?
00:23:11.70\00:23:12.67
- It is a blessing!
00:23:12.68\00:23:13.68
And that what we
wanna encourage you with.
00:23:13.97\00:23:15.50
You can really have a
marriage that's heart to heart
00:23:15.54\00:23:19.02
with God
00:23:19.05\00:23:20.02
and the one that you love!
00:23:20.07\00:23:21.80
Now, what about the tears?
00:23:22.35\00:23:23.41
You know, tears can be a
communication breaker too.
00:23:24.23\00:23:26.59
Now, they don't need to be!
00:23:27.21\00:23:28.51
But definitely
we have found that
00:23:29.03\00:23:30.96
tears do affect
00:23:30.99\00:23:33.23
the communication.
00:23:33.86\00:23:34.83
Because
00:23:35.10\00:23:36.07
again in our early
00:23:36.85\00:23:37.82
our early marriage
00:23:38.36\00:23:39.35
there were times that your tears
00:23:39.94\00:23:41.97
really made me feel guilty!
00:23:42.80\00:23:44.88
Ok?
00:23:45.06\00:23:46.03
And because I really
didn't understand that
00:23:46.90\00:23:49.28
that full surrender and
I didn't understand how to
00:23:49.32\00:23:52.01
be kept by the Grace of God
00:23:52.04\00:23:53.58
in that
situations in our marriage
00:23:53.62\00:23:55.24
that guilt would still have
an impact on my communication.
00:23:56.66\00:23:59.09
And so,
00:23:59.45\00:24:00.42
that would cause me to
change my direction of,
00:24:00.43\00:24:02.82
you know,
00:24:03.22\00:24:04.19
conversation.
00:24:05.14\00:24:06.11
But I wasn't really, I wasn't
really dealing with my heart
00:24:06.61\00:24:09.51
but those tears
00:24:09.54\00:24:11.14
and you know, you've heard of
00:24:11.47\00:24:12.79
women, I haven't
heard of any men doing this,
00:24:12.83\00:24:14.23
but you've heard
of the women that
00:24:14.26\00:24:15.59
- you know, - if
they get pulled over
00:24:15.62\00:24:17.38
they will try the tears routine.
00:24:17.97\00:24:19.35
And it doesn't
always work! Does it?
00:24:19.68\00:24:20.79
But it often
does have it's effect
00:24:21.29\00:24:23.76
and it's not the
right kind of effect.
00:24:24.04\00:24:26.15
So if tears are shed
00:24:26.18\00:24:27.89
to try to create that effect
that's a wrong motivation.
00:24:28.19\00:24:30.55
- They kindle a
response. - That's right!
00:24:32.27\00:24:34.48
And
00:24:34.74\00:24:35.71
you know, it may
cut communication,
00:24:35.72\00:24:37.86
it may bring on guilt,
00:24:37.89\00:24:38.91
it may be: "Here we go again!"
00:24:38.95\00:24:41.01
"We're gonna go down
this old track again!"
00:24:41.70\00:24:43.98
Or
00:24:44.22\00:24:45.19
it may bring on:
00:24:45.20\00:24:46.50
"I'm just gonna let
her do it! I'm gonna
00:24:46.74\00:24:48.17
just.. It doesn't matter!
00:24:48.56\00:24:49.60
I just wanna have peace!
I don't wanna have this..!"
00:24:49.64\00:24:51.87
And so,
00:24:51.90\00:24:52.87
it's a wrong solution!
00:24:52.88\00:24:54.93
Tears should not be used
00:24:55.51\00:24:57.10
as a means to get
what someone wants!
00:24:57.14\00:24:59.69
Because that
breaks communication.
00:24:59.76\00:25:01.47
We need to resolve
and solve our problems
00:25:01.77\00:25:04.35
without the tears
00:25:04.38\00:25:05.40
- That's right!
00:25:05.50\00:25:06.47
- for the real solution.
00:25:06.48\00:25:07.53
Well,
00:25:07.64\00:25:08.61
the last area that
we wanna talk about,
00:25:08.62\00:25:10.07
and again, we could talk about
00:25:10.10\00:25:11.53
many communication breakers,
00:25:11.57\00:25:12.97
and you need to
decide what it is in your
00:25:13.27\00:25:15.08
marriage that's
breaking communication but
00:25:15.12\00:25:16.90
jesting, joking and foolishness
00:25:18.02\00:25:21.44
this was also a part
of our early marriage.
00:25:22.11\00:25:24.08
And these little
foolish witticisms and
00:25:24.69\00:25:27.47
you know, one-upmanship
00:25:27.77\00:25:29.33
and I'll make a dig on you
00:25:29.46\00:25:30.95
and you come back
with one better on me,
00:25:31.28\00:25:33.72
Isn't that destructive
00:25:34.54\00:25:36.21
to communication? Really?
00:25:36.24\00:25:37.88
It is! Because it's
always degrading someone else
00:25:37.92\00:25:41.10
or putting them down
00:25:41.13\00:25:42.16
in order to get
somebody to laugh
00:25:42.19\00:25:43.91
or to put ourselves up.
00:25:43.94\00:25:44.91
Somebody is
always at the expense
00:25:44.95\00:25:46.75
of those kind of comments.
00:25:46.78\00:25:48.81
They're very destructive!
00:25:49.04\00:25:50.26
Ephesians 5 verse 4 says:
00:25:50.40\00:25:52.30
"Neither filthiness,
00:25:53.00\00:25:54.26
nor jesting
00:25:54.29\00:25:55.61
which are not convenient:
00:25:56.30\00:25:57.59
but learning to walk in love. "
00:25:57.93\00:26:00.21
That's the other side,
that's the 1 Corinthians
00:26:01.52\00:26:03.54
they've been talking about
00:26:03.57\00:26:04.79
learning to walk in love.
00:26:04.82\00:26:06.01
You know, many people
00:26:06.59\00:26:07.95
and we've seen this
00:26:08.28\00:26:09.26
over and over again,
00:26:09.42\00:26:10.62
they get into this
kind of superficial
00:26:10.86\00:26:13.09
what I call it is
"filler conversation".
00:26:13.72\00:26:16.21
And I used to do a lot of it,
00:26:16.40\00:26:17.86
you know, and
before we were married.
00:26:18.20\00:26:20.32
But it's "filler
conversation", it's
00:26:21.20\00:26:23.29
filling in blanks and
it's really what it's saying is
00:26:23.54\00:26:26.46
"I can't talk to you deeply.
00:26:26.79\00:26:29.37
And so, I'm
gonna fill in spaces. "
00:26:30.08\00:26:31.52
And it's not right!
And what ends up happening
00:26:32.13\00:26:34.27
we've dealt with and
ministered to many couples.
00:26:34.31\00:26:36.42
who have gotten so
shell in their communication,
00:26:36.93\00:26:38.70
that they had nothing
00:26:38.73\00:26:39.93
that they can't talk
about any of the real issues.
00:26:40.30\00:26:42.26
So,
00:26:42.48\00:26:43.45
we need to get this
out of our communication
00:26:43.46\00:26:45.46
and move to the personal
challenge for the people.
00:26:46.62\00:26:48.76
You wanna share a little
bit of their personal challenge
00:26:48.95\00:26:50.80
with them right now?
00:26:50.83\00:26:51.80
Identify your weak areas
00:26:53.61\00:26:55.78
and look for a
way to resolve it.
00:26:56.43\00:26:57.94
Make those commitments,
00:26:57.97\00:26:59.03
the changes that
you're gonna do in your family
00:26:59.07\00:27:01.19
and your relationship
00:27:01.22\00:27:02.39
to have a marriage
that's heart to heart.
00:27:02.96\00:27:04.98
Well, let's pray that
that commitment can be made
00:27:05.80\00:27:07.60
in the Lord.
00:27:07.63\00:27:08.62
Father in Heaven
00:27:09.40\00:27:10.64
we need You for
every commitment and
00:27:10.90\00:27:12.47
if we're making commitments
00:27:13.01\00:27:14.08
about the things
that break communication
00:27:14.12\00:27:16.25
we need Your Grace! Help
us to be able to identify
00:27:16.45\00:27:18.75
those things,
00:27:18.78\00:27:19.75
and to be able to move forward
00:27:20.22\00:27:21.40
with a marriage
that's truly heart to heart.
00:27:21.44\00:27:23.48
In Jesus name Amen!
00:27:23.51\00:27:25.02
We hope you'll join us next time
00:27:26.89\00:27:28.50
as we talk about
00:27:29.01\00:27:30.04
honesty and integrity.
00:27:30.35\00:27:32.06
Oh, what an
important part of a marriage
00:27:32.66\00:27:35.38
that's gonna be
truly heart to heart,
00:27:35.79\00:27:38.06
heart to heart
with our Lord and Savior
00:27:38.62\00:27:41.28
and heart to heart
with the girl we love.
00:27:41.32\00:27:43.95
Captioning and translations by
00:28:25.45\00:28:28.27
Christian Media
Services www. chms. ro
00:28:28.30\00:28:29.27