Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart!
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We're Tom & Alane Waters
with Restoration International
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And we want you
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to have a marriage
that's heart to heart too!
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So, we hope you have
your paper and pencil
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because we're
gonna be talking about
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the subject:
"Please understand me!"
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something we all long for.
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Oh, you like to be understood?
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Oh, always!
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I do too!
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And I think
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You like to be
understood as well.
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And that's what we're
gonna talk about today
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because when we say:
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"Please understand me!"
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that's a heart cry.
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And it's un honest heart cry.
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We need to be understood.
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The problem is
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if I wanna be understood
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and I'm in the "me focus",
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and you heard us
talk about this before,
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if I'm in the self focus,
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just what my perspective is
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then I'm not
listening very good.
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And if I'm in the "me focus"
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and you're in the "me focus"
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- And I wanna be understood
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and I really wanna be right.
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'Cause if I
didn't think I was right
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I wouldn't bother to say it.
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Oh, so, you not only wanna be
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understood, you wanna be right!
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- Don't you? - Oh yes!
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I like to be right too!
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And so, if we're
in the "me focus"
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and we wanna be understood
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and we wanna be right,
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communication
doesn't do very well.
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If we're in the "us focus"
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and I wanna be understood
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then I also understand
that you wanna be understood.
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And if I wanna be right
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I know you wanna be right.
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And if we're
both in the "us focus"
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then we can have
some good communication.
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And we can really
understand each other.
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That's right!
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It nurtures the communication
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instead of breaking it down.
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Yes!
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And when we're in the "me focus"
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it leads to
irritation, frustration, hurt,
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even cold wars,
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fears. All kind
of responses happen
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when it's in the "me focus".
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But when we're in the "us focus"
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and that's a choice
that I have to make,
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to surrender my heart
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to let God
change my perspective,
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to really understand you,
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and it's something you can do.
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But who ever
chooses to do it first
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that's the first
miracle that begins to happen
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in communication.
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That's right!
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You know, we often
hear of the Golden Rule.
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And it's a principle from
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our Sure Foundation.
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We talked about
our Sure Foundation
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and this has so
many vital principles
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to communication.
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Matthew 7:12 says:
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"whatsoever ye would
that men should do to you,
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do ye even so to them. "
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That's the Golden Rule!
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You know, whatever I'd
like somebody to do to me
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if I really
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want you to listen to me
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then what Jesus
is saying here is
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then I ought to
really want to listen to you.
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It's very simple!
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If we're in the "us focus",
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and the "us focus" only happens
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if we go to the
Author of this Word,
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the Author of
our Sure Foundation,
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He becomes the Author
of really understanding us.
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And then we can
understand each other.
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And that's a nice thing
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is that God
always understands us
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and He always knows
what our real needs are.
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And so, as we're
willing to cooperate with Him
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we have a heart to
understand the other person.
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That's right!
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And you know,
that's been something
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that you have communicated to me
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several times in our marriage,
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that being understood
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is more important
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than even being right.
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You remember that? - Oh yes!
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I've said it many times.
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Because if I really have
a heart to understand you
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and You know that
I'm understanding you
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then when we come to the
end of that conversation,
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that situation
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then if you really understood
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it makes it easier
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if I don't necessarily agree.
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But if I don't
really understand you,
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if you don't
really feel understood
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then where does that leave you?
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Tempted to come
in the "me focus".
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That's right!
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Tempted to be disappointed with,
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or discouraged, or not
accepting a poor communication.
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Because I don't
feel like I'm understood.
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That's right!
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And you were
talking just a moment ago
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about the first
part of the miracle
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being willing to surrender.
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When I'm really
willing to surrender
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and choose to receive
the Power of Jesus Christ
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it's only then
that I'm gonna really
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be willing to understand you.
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And so, when I've
stepped in to that surrender,
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when I've chosen that surrender
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that's the first
part of a real miracle,
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in modern times.
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That's right! And
it also encourages me
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in that same thing,
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that I can accept that,
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and I find that those
feelings that are there
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they just kind of
start to dissipate,
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they just, just like a storm
that's being calmed inside.
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And I really have
a heart to understand
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and ears to hear
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and again it's not so much
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that you agree with me
or that I agree with you
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but that we
understand each other.
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That's right! And
this is something that
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I think all couples
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face, deal with.
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One of the things
that we experienced in
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in our early marriage,
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especially,
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were some things
that we just couldn't seem
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to talk about.
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Now, it wasn't that we couldn't
verbally talk bout them.
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But it seemed like
because we were not
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in this "us focus",
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where we're really thinking
and understanding each other
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and really being surrendered,
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one of the things that happened
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was that when a certain
subject would be brought up
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we just kind of wean our eye.
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And we didn't do well
in that communication.
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And so, we began to shy
away from certain things
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because we didn't
liked where it took us.
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We didn't like the fruit of it.
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And at that time in our marriage
we just weren't quite ready
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to move out or to understand
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that we needed
to move out of that
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"me focus" into the "us focus".
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We were so busy trying to
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get my point across
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to you to get your point across
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that it was difficult in
some of those delicate areas.
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And so, we started
side stepping them.
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That really isn't
effective communication.
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No! And it didn't really
resolve the issues either.
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We still had the same issues,
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but they actually were growing
kind of underneath things.
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That's right!
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And then when the
subject would come up again
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it would come up with
greater force and intensity
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and we would be a little
stronger toward each other.
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But we didn't find a solution.
We didn't find a resolve.
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All we found was
it was more difficult
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to talk about.
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So we tried to
stuff it away again
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and move on to
something more comfortable.
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And, you know, what will happen
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if that becomes the
pattern in the marriage
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is that more and more
things get stuffed and put away.
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And less and less things
get really honestly dealt with.
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- That's right!
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- And then communication
gets more deteriorated and
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the walls build
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and separation becomes greater.
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That's right! And
so, there's less and less
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real understanding.
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And we've seen
this in many couples
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that we counseled with.
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There's less and less real
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understanding happening
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and there's more
and more superficial,
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we move more into the
superficial conversation
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more into the "Ok,
did you pay the bills?"
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"Did you get Susie
to her lesson on time?"
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That kind of stuff.
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It's still communicating, but
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it's not an
understanding communication.
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And so, we began
to recognize this
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and we knew that we
needed to do something about it
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So, we decided to
do something about it.
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That's right!
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Because we really
cared about each other
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and we really
cared about our marriage
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and we didn't want
this to rake us down.
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And again I really appreciate
your leadership in this.
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Because, you said to me: "Honey
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we need to make a commitment
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that we will not let
these things go undone. "
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That's right!
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And that commitment
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has been a powerful commitment.
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And they've heard us mention
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James 1:19.
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The reason why we have
referred to this particular,
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for those of you
that have tuned in and
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been watching the program
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James 1:19 is such a powerful
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text of commitment
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when it's brought in
to the personal life.
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And I remember when
we made this commitment
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that we were
going to, by God's Grace
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really begin to be
swift to hear one another.
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And you know the
other part of this, honey,
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that was very important is
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in that James 1:19
"swift to hear, slow to speak,
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slow to wrath" the
other aspect of that is that
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when we are swift to hear
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we're not just
swift to hear each other.
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We're also swift to
hear what's saith my Lord
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concerning this matter.
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Because
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if you think about it friends
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one of the things that happens
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when a situation arises
is that we tend to wanna go
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to that first impulse
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and say that first thought.
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And if we will pause
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and we will be swift to hear
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the Spirit speak to our hearts
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what saith my Lord
concerning the matter?
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You know, the Bible says: "You
shall hear a word behind you
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saying: This is the way,
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walk ye in it"
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That's not an audible voice!
That's the Spirit of the Lord
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impressing or
prompting our heart,
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working through our conscience
00:10:07.68\00:10:09.37
to give us a better way
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to move forward.
00:10:12.12\00:10:13.25
And so, for us
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that commitment
00:10:14.95\00:10:16.12
was not just to be
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swift to hear
00:10:18.29\00:10:19.26
you or you swift to hear me
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but it was a commitment
that we made between us
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and the Lord as well
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that we were going to listen to
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what He would have us to say.
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Which would also then
give us something better
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to respond back and to give us
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an understanding of what
the other person was saying.
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So, that mixed with
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"do unto others as you
would have them do unto you"
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made a wonderful
combination - Powerful!
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to help us in communication,
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that we could really learn
how to understand each other.
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And I can say today
00:10:51.59\00:10:52.75
that we have a very good
understanding of each other.
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That's right!
00:10:55.33\00:10:56.32
You know, there's
nothing that separates us!
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- Yes! - And
that's the exciting thing.
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It's beautiful, but
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do you remember what happened
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not too long after
we made this commitment?
00:11:03.49\00:11:05.36
Oh yes!
00:11:05.40\00:11:07.57
I wanna encourage you
00:11:07.60\00:11:09.12
as you listen and as
you watch this program that
00:11:09.74\00:11:12.88
some of the things that
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that you make a commitment to
00:11:14.32\00:11:16.27
don't think that it's just gonna
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be wonderful and
there's not gonna be any test
00:11:18.42\00:11:21.08
and things are just gonna
00:11:21.11\00:11:22.15
magically go
00:11:23.68\00:11:25.23
perfectly there after.
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You know, when we
make any commitment
00:11:27.52\00:11:29.31
that is worth being a commitment
00:11:29.34\00:11:31.58
there is going to be
a proving, a testing.
00:11:31.62\00:11:34.51
And so, as we
made this commitment
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to be swift to hear
00:11:37.21\00:11:38.73
the Lord and one another
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and as we entered in to that
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to really take that Golden Rule
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to do unto others as we
would have others to do unto us,
00:11:46.60\00:11:49.83
to really do for you what I
would wish for you to do to me.
00:11:49.87\00:11:53.07
Well I can remember
00:11:54.22\00:11:55.27
one evening
00:11:55.99\00:11:56.96
that we were just having a
beautiful conversation together
00:11:57.62\00:12:00.18
everything was, I mean it
couldn't have been sweeter,
00:12:00.40\00:12:02.73
and we were just talking along
00:12:03.28\00:12:05.13
and I don't know what happened,
00:12:05.16\00:12:06.77
I really don't
know what happened.
00:12:07.13\00:12:08.87
But we were just
talking along there
00:12:09.54\00:12:11.33
and suddenly
00:12:11.78\00:12:13.02
we became aware
00:12:13.51\00:12:14.67
that we had
gotten on to one of those
00:12:15.24\00:12:17.13
very delicate subjects.
00:12:17.47\00:12:20.03
Something that had been hidden
in the closet for a while.
00:12:20.07\00:12:21.95
That we didn't even
remember it was there.
00:12:21.98\00:12:23.74
- Exactly! - It just came up!
00:12:24.15\00:12:25.93
It's not the one
that I would've chosen
00:12:25.97\00:12:28.24
to test the commitment.
00:12:28.27\00:12:30.34
And I tell you, when that
came in to the conversation,
00:12:30.94\00:12:34.85
did you feel the awkwardness?
00:12:34.88\00:12:36.19
Yes!
00:12:36.23\00:12:37.63
I felt the desire like
maybe it's been too nice
00:12:37.66\00:12:40.89
maybe we just ought to
00:12:40.92\00:12:41.89
open the closet door and
put it back in for a while,
00:12:42.27\00:12:44.20
you know?
00:12:44.24\00:12:45.66
- Can we rewind this - Exactly
00:12:45.69\00:12:47.49
this conversation and
keep it going real nice?
00:12:47.53\00:12:49.11
Because where did
this thing come from?
00:12:49.14\00:12:50.81
Exactly.
00:12:50.85\00:12:51.91
And I tell you, I felt
00:12:51.94\00:12:55.57
I felt anxiety
come inside of me.
00:12:55.61\00:12:57.61
I felt self wanna
rise up inside of me.
00:12:57.64\00:13:00.40
We want you to stay tuned!
00:13:01.89\00:13:03.64
We're gonna take
a brake right now,
00:13:03.87\00:13:05.05
and we want you to
stay tuned to find out
00:13:05.09\00:13:07.83
what the Lord
did in this big test
00:13:09.10\00:13:11.88
that we faced.
00:13:12.23\00:13:13.60
Stay with us!
00:13:13.63\00:13:14.97
There are many "How
to?" books available,
00:13:19.84\00:13:21.84
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple:
00:13:22.09\00:13:25.04
how you can "Build
a Better Marriage".
00:13:25.44\00:13:27.45
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matrimonial advice is given in a
00:13:28.21\00:13:30.98
lighthearted,
easy-to-read manner,
00:13:31.01\00:13:32.62
for those contemplating
marriage, newlyweds,
00:13:32.66\00:13:35.36
couples in their golden years,
00:13:35.39\00:13:37.07
and everyone in-between.
00:13:37.51\00:13:38.85
Simply call or write
for your free copy of
00:13:39.45\00:13:41.35
this amazing little
booklet, a handy little tool
00:13:41.38\00:13:43.87
to help build a better marriage.
00:13:44.49\00:13:45.98
Welcome back! Where
we've been talking about
00:13:51.52\00:13:53.55
how desperately each one
of us wants to be understood.
00:13:53.59\00:13:57.41
And we found ourselves,
00:13:59.59\00:14:00.71
that night,
00:14:01.24\00:14:02.21
almost unconsciously back
in one of those situations
00:14:02.22\00:14:06.22
that no one likes to be in.
00:14:07.00\00:14:08.99
And I want you to
think with me for a moment,
00:14:09.40\00:14:11.25
you can probably
experience, you've been in it
00:14:11.93\00:14:14.58
if you've been in a marriage
00:14:15.03\00:14:16.27
a marriage
that's really honestly
00:14:16.83\00:14:18.62
seeking to have
better communication,
00:14:19.19\00:14:20.94
you know what it's like
when these things come up.
00:14:21.25\00:14:24.20
There are old wraths
that we can get ourselves into
00:14:24.23\00:14:27.15
in how we
respond to these things.
00:14:27.68\00:14:29.37
And I tell you those
feelings were coming up
00:14:29.86\00:14:32.44
in me and I suppose
they were coming up in you.
00:14:32.48\00:14:35.03
Oh yes! All the past came very
present to mind at that moment.
00:14:35.62\00:14:39.63
And I, I just
00:14:39.67\00:14:42.47
I was looking
for a way out of it.
00:14:43.32\00:14:45.11
And then I
remembered the commitment.
00:14:45.59\00:14:48.68
Did you remember the commitment?
00:14:50.20\00:14:51.31
Actually I hadn't!
My mind was thinking of
00:14:52.37\00:14:54.68
"How am I gonna
get out of this one?"
00:14:54.71\00:14:57.01
It's so beautiful,
because the Lord wants
00:14:57.05\00:14:59.32
to bring this commitment to us.
00:14:59.35\00:15:01.50
He wants to bring it back.
00:15:01.99\00:15:03.29
So it's not important
that both of us remembered.
00:15:03.72\00:15:05.87
That's right!
00:15:06.21\00:15:07.20
It only takes one who remembers
00:15:07.23\00:15:09.08
and then takes the lead in that.
00:15:09.49\00:15:11.03
Yes!
00:15:11.06\00:15:12.38
And fortunately, you know, when
00:15:12.41\00:15:14.23
that happened that night
00:15:14.61\00:15:16.05
and when that little,
that still small voice
00:15:16.43\00:15:18.82
brought that prompting
00:15:18.85\00:15:20.12
and reminded me
of the commitment
00:15:20.38\00:15:21.93
I wanted to move forward.
00:15:23.28\00:15:24.63
I can't say I
was excited about it!
00:15:24.67\00:15:26.51
It doesn't feel
exciting when you're in that!
00:15:27.26\00:15:29.21
Because you only
have the past to refer to
00:15:29.40\00:15:31.94
and you thought:
00:15:31.97\00:15:32.94
"Oh, these things have
gone wrong, so many times
00:15:32.95\00:15:35.78
and we haven't been
able to talk about this"
00:15:35.82\00:15:38.69
But that night
00:15:39.13\00:15:40.94
we moved forward
00:15:41.81\00:15:43.04
in our commitment.
00:15:43.48\00:15:44.51
And I remember
00:15:45.05\00:15:46.12
thinking:
00:15:46.94\00:15:47.92
"Lord,
00:15:48.79\00:15:49.76
what do You me to do?"
00:15:49.77\00:15:51.05
"What do You want me to do?"
00:15:52.87\00:15:53.98
And that's a question that
we really need to be asking
00:15:55.29\00:15:58.10
the Lord in these situations.
00:15:58.13\00:15:59.73
It's too easy to
do what I wanna do.
00:16:00.07\00:16:01.84
It's too easy
to do that reaction
00:16:01.88\00:16:03.62
kind of thing.
00:16:03.65\00:16:04.62
"Lord what do
You want me to do?"
00:16:04.65\00:16:06.04
And the thought that came to me,
00:16:06.72\00:16:08.09
it's not my thought,
00:16:09.66\00:16:10.63
it wouldn't been
where I would have gone,
00:16:10.64\00:16:12.02
but the thought
that came to me is
00:16:12.44\00:16:14.46
"Ask your wife:
00:16:15.81\00:16:17.02
Where your problem is?"
00:16:18.02\00:16:19.97
Can you imagine that?
00:16:22.54\00:16:23.65
No! I couldn't at that time!
00:16:24.08\00:16:25.53
- And I did! - I can now though.
00:16:26.48\00:16:27.54
I did, I
cooperated in that situation,
00:16:27.58\00:16:30.46
I asked the Lord
00:16:30.49\00:16:32.02
what did He wanted me to do.
00:16:34.16\00:16:35.16
And now He's telling me.
00:16:35.63\00:16:36.67
No audible voice. He's
00:16:37.61\00:16:39.06
prompting me with the thought:
00:16:39.10\00:16:40.18
"Ask your wife... "
00:16:40.21\00:16:41.18
And so,
00:16:41.35\00:16:42.32
when I got that little prompting
00:16:43.55\00:16:45.04
I also got a little
thought that came along with it.
00:16:45.08\00:16:47.76
It was very comforting.
00:16:47.79\00:16:49.00
this is the
thought that came to me:
00:16:50.51\00:16:51.83
"I will never leave
thee, nor forsake thee. "
00:16:52.72\00:16:55.20
This is the God that we
serve! It's the same God that
00:16:55.80\00:16:59.55
worked miracles in the
children of Israel lives
00:16:59.58\00:17:02.21
crossing the
Desert. It's the same God
00:17:02.24\00:17:04.14
that raised the dead,
00:17:04.17\00:17:05.62
healed the sick.
00:17:06.03\00:17:07.19
He wants to do
this in our marriages
00:17:07.79\00:17:09.53
and the thought came to me
00:17:09.56\00:17:10.71
"I will never leave
thee, nor forsake thee. "
00:17:10.87\00:17:13.51
And that gave me courage
00:17:14.25\00:17:15.38
and so I turned to my wife
00:17:15.78\00:17:16.89
And I said to you:
00:17:17.57\00:17:18.71
"So, honey?
00:17:19.22\00:17:20.19
What is it that I do
00:17:20.42\00:17:21.77
in these situations?"
00:17:21.80\00:17:23.08
Do you remember that?
00:17:23.12\00:17:24.37
Oh yes!
00:17:24.41\00:17:25.72
And I was in shock when
you asked me that question
00:17:25.76\00:17:27.69
because part of the problem
00:17:27.72\00:17:29.85
was that I had been
trying to get you to
00:17:30.23\00:17:32.34
know what your problem was.
00:17:32.37\00:17:34.12
And you just couldn't see it.
00:17:35.45\00:17:36.82
And not only
could you not see it but
00:17:36.86\00:17:38.45
you really didn't wanna hear it!
00:17:38.48\00:17:39.83
And we just
always got broken down.
00:17:40.36\00:17:42.17
And I know you were trying
to do the same thing to me.
00:17:42.21\00:17:44.44
You were trying
to help me to see
00:17:44.47\00:17:46.31
where I had a problem
00:17:46.73\00:17:48.21
and I just couldn't see it!
00:17:48.25\00:17:50.28
And so, that's why we kind of
00:17:50.47\00:17:52.03
"Ok! Let's
leave this one alone!"
00:17:52.51\00:17:53.91
"Let's leave that one alone!"
00:17:53.94\00:17:54.91
And so, when you said
that to me, that night,
00:17:55.73\00:17:57.78
I was very shocked!
00:17:59.00\00:18:01.42
But I stepped
forward with the opportunity.
00:18:01.64\00:18:04.34
And I said: "Well honey
00:18:05.75\00:18:06.77
there are three things. "
00:18:07.23\00:18:08.31
Oh! And that, when you said it,
00:18:08.85\00:18:10.80
and you said it about that fast,
00:18:10.83\00:18:12.63
I thought:
00:18:12.66\00:18:14.37
"Oh. Three things!
00:18:14.40\00:18:16.28
It's like you've got it already
on the tip of your tongue"
00:18:16.32\00:18:18.56
That part came back too.
00:18:18.98\00:18:20.02
And you know,
when you said that,
00:18:22.04\00:18:23.96
and I'm just being
very honest with you folks
00:18:24.58\00:18:27.25
in how that
struck me when she said:
00:18:27.28\00:18:29.56
"Well, there are three things!"
00:18:30.09\00:18:31.15
It's like I just felt
00:18:32.00\00:18:33.35
the self wanna rise
up in me like a flood.
00:18:33.70\00:18:37.41
And this is the thought
that the Lord brought to me:
00:18:38.25\00:18:40.20
"Be still!
00:18:41.51\00:18:42.81
And know that I am God!"
00:18:43.66\00:18:45.19
Isn't that beautiful?
00:18:46.59\00:18:47.64
It is very beautiful!
00:18:47.67\00:18:48.65
That's the God that we serve!
00:18:48.69\00:18:50.46
He is a living Savior!
00:18:50.68\00:18:52.81
Jesus wants to
save us from ourselves!
00:18:52.85\00:18:55.48
And when those thoughts
00:18:55.98\00:18:57.18
and that self was
coming up inside of me
00:18:57.22\00:18:59.60
the Lord called to my
heart and said: "Be still!
00:19:00.14\00:19:02.37
and know that I am God!"
00:19:03.13\00:19:04.28
You know, what that
said to me in that instant?
00:19:04.41\00:19:06.72
God is really God!
00:19:07.44\00:19:09.45
And if I will
stay surrendered to Him
00:19:09.71\00:19:12.13
He can really work in me,
00:19:12.50\00:19:14.53
that miracle that
can keep my tongue.
00:19:15.04\00:19:17.49
I don't have to be
overwhelmed by this.
00:19:17.75\00:19:19.09
And so, you continued on.
00:19:19.12\00:19:22.26
"Number one.
00:19:23.06\00:19:24.08
Number one.
00:19:26.33\00:19:27.30
And I began to share with you.
00:19:27.63\00:19:28.93
I have to say that
00:19:29.35\00:19:30.82
I wasn't: "Oh
good! This is my chance!"
00:19:31.68\00:19:34.18
I was coming into
the conversation with
00:19:34.51\00:19:38.27
you know, attentiveness:
00:19:38.31\00:19:39.44
"Is he really want to
hear what I have to say?"
00:19:39.48\00:19:41.96
Is this for
real? in other words.
00:19:42.21\00:19:43.41
- And I'm testing. -
Yes! You were testing.
00:19:43.45\00:19:44.56
I was testing the water.
00:19:44.60\00:19:45.67
"Number one:
00:19:45.70\00:19:46.67
literally the waters. "
00:19:46.95\00:19:48.18
And when you got to
number two I had another whole
00:19:48.69\00:19:51.73
battle. You know I'll
tell you what I wanted to do!
00:19:52.17\00:19:54.54
I wanted to say: "But!... "
00:19:54.57\00:19:55.60
"But!"
00:19:55.64\00:19:56.68
You know how that feels?
00:19:56.72\00:20:00.31
Yes!
00:20:00.34\00:20:02.00
And so many times in
our previous situations
00:20:02.04\00:20:04.92
that's exactly what I'd say!
00:20:05.54\00:20:06.78
"But!.. "
00:20:06.82\00:20:08.29
"You don't understand!
00:20:08.33\00:20:09.74
Exactly!
00:20:09.77\00:20:10.88
"But"'s always go
with "don't understand me!"
00:20:10.92\00:20:13.14
"That's not what I meant!"
00:20:13.28\00:20:14.67
But you know the
Lord called to me again
00:20:16.21\00:20:18.49
and He reminded me of that verse
00:20:19.74\00:20:21.86
that we based our commitment on.
00:20:22.38\00:20:23.95
"to be swift to hear
00:20:24.42\00:20:26.10
and slow to speak
00:20:26.97\00:20:28.05
and slow to wrath"
00:20:28.09\00:20:29.14
And so I didn't say: "But!"
00:20:29.18\00:20:30.99
I let that die with self
00:20:32.82\00:20:34.63
in that same moment.
00:20:34.66\00:20:36.44
And then you continued on.
00:20:36.90\00:20:38.05
So I got passed number two.
00:20:38.92\00:20:40.53
Were you pretty
surprised at this point?
00:20:40.89\00:20:42.22
Yes I really was!
00:20:42.25\00:20:43.22
'Cause I was really listening!
00:20:43.23\00:20:44.39
You were listening
and you were hearing!
00:20:44.43\00:20:46.38
And I was understanding!
00:20:46.41\00:20:47.54
And you were understanding!
00:20:47.57\00:20:48.63
And you would, what we talked
about in the last program,
00:20:48.67\00:20:51.52
you would actually ask me back:
00:20:51.55\00:20:53.09
"Is this what you're saying?"
00:20:53.12\00:20:54.63
And it was very clear
that you understood me!
00:20:55.07\00:20:57.13
And that was an
encouragement to me.
00:20:57.56\00:20:59.59
And then I said:
00:20:59.62\00:21:01.61
"Number three. "
00:21:01.93\00:21:02.97
And do you remember
00:21:03.00\00:21:04.01
that when you
started sharing number three
00:21:04.46\00:21:07.54
that I had complete
00:21:08.10\00:21:10.32
rest in the Lord?
00:21:10.36\00:21:12.55
Do you remember that?
00:21:13.55\00:21:14.52
Oh yes!
00:21:14.53\00:21:15.50
Could you tell?
00:21:15.51\00:21:16.68
Yes! I mean, your
physical demean it was
00:21:16.72\00:21:19.85
relaxed. It was
00:21:19.88\00:21:21.15
it was just: "Ok!
I'm ready for it!"
00:21:21.82\00:21:23.78
I mean, I had surrendered
in those other two situations
00:21:23.92\00:21:26.73
and I know you saw the
00:21:27.34\00:21:29.27
the countenance,
you saw the struggle
00:21:29.31\00:21:31.43
but you saw me
responding and surrendering
00:21:31.62\00:21:33.51
to the Lord. Was that
an encouragement to you?
00:21:33.54\00:21:35.36
It was! Because it
was a choice, a decision,
00:21:35.40\00:21:37.85
a principle, not by feeling.
00:21:37.89\00:21:39.78
The feelings on the
exterior were different,
00:21:39.81\00:21:42.53
and what I heard you doing.
00:21:42.81\00:21:43.79
But as you spoke
those, you know, as you said:
00:21:43.82\00:21:46.69
"Ok, number two"
00:21:46.72\00:21:47.69
I could see you get calm again
00:21:48.43\00:21:50.13
- Yes!
00:21:50.16\00:21:51.21
you know, in your countenance,
in your body language.
00:21:51.24\00:21:53.64
And the third time
00:21:54.34\00:21:56.10
there was no lift, it
was no lift inside of you.
00:21:56.13\00:21:59.97
Yes. The way I experienced
it especially the first time,
00:22:00.01\00:22:02.08
the way that I could
describe it to you folks
00:22:02.11\00:22:05.26
here,
00:22:05.72\00:22:06.74
is that it was like
00:22:07.14\00:22:08.33
the see raging inside of me.
00:22:09.13\00:22:12.00
And because of past habits
and the past way of responding
00:22:12.39\00:22:15.07
I wanted to just... but...
00:22:15.42\00:22:19.34
the Power of the Gospel
00:22:19.82\00:22:20.90
is a life changing power!
00:22:21.71\00:22:23.93
When we surrender
ourselves to Jesus Christ
00:22:24.46\00:22:26.31
this is the good
news of the Gospel.
00:22:26.34\00:22:28.71
Is that He can
keep us to the outermost
00:22:28.91\00:22:31.34
if we'll come to Him by faith.
00:22:31.37\00:22:32.81
And I was exercising faith.
00:22:32.93\00:22:34.75
And I tell you, it felt so good!
00:22:34.88\00:22:36.32
Didn't it feel good that
night? To work and pass this?
00:22:36.36\00:22:38.91
It was! And what
happened was that
00:22:39.43\00:22:42.59
not only did you understand me
00:22:43.72\00:22:45.21
but after the third
one, in that moment of
00:22:45.25\00:22:47.84
reflection time that you had,
00:22:47.87\00:22:49.27
- Yes.
00:22:49.30\00:22:50.37
you said: "Honey
00:22:50.40\00:22:51.37
I see it! I see my problem!"
00:22:51.75\00:22:54.58
Could you believe it?
00:22:54.61\00:22:55.58
No!
00:22:56.28\00:22:57.25
But yes I could! I mean
00:22:57.60\00:22:59.13
I could see
00:23:00.32\00:23:01.57
that you really could understand
and that you accepted it,
00:23:01.99\00:23:04.83
but it's not
what I first expected.
00:23:04.86\00:23:06.89
Yes!
00:23:06.93\00:23:07.90
But I saw that miracle
happen right before my eyes.
00:23:07.91\00:23:10.70
And you said:
00:23:10.73\00:23:11.70
"You're right!
00:23:11.73\00:23:12.70
I do this!
00:23:13.07\00:23:14.04
And number two you're right!
00:23:14.48\00:23:15.82
I have had this!
00:23:16.54\00:23:17.79
Number three.. "
00:23:17.83\00:23:19.02
And you went
down: one two, three.
00:23:19.05\00:23:20.71
That's right: It showed I
was really listening didn't it?
00:23:20.99\00:23:22.92
You were really listening and
00:23:22.96\00:23:23.93
you know, at that point
00:23:24.15\00:23:25.12
I wasn't trying to
get you to agree with me.
00:23:25.13\00:23:26.47
I was just trying to
have you to understand me.
00:23:26.50\00:23:28.82
- Yes. - And in that
00:23:29.27\00:23:30.58
understanding of me
00:23:30.61\00:23:31.89
you saw my perspective
00:23:32.12\00:23:33.37
and you agreed with me.
00:23:33.75\00:23:34.82
Yes!
00:23:34.85\00:23:35.82
And then you turned to me
00:23:35.83\00:23:36.80
or than I said
to you I should say,
00:23:37.72\00:23:39.79
I looked at you and I said:
00:23:39.82\00:23:41.20
"Honey,
00:23:41.23\00:23:42.39
tell me what it is in me?"
00:23:42.43\00:23:44.88
And that
00:23:46.36\00:23:47.33
was the moment
I've been waiting for
00:23:47.53\00:23:49.73
for a long time!
00:23:49.76\00:23:51.18
And it's interesting, do
you know what happened in that?
00:23:53.16\00:23:55.28
The
00:23:55.31\00:23:56.72
it's amazing to me how
God works, but in that instant
00:23:57.05\00:24:00.07
here I have my opportunity
00:24:00.92\00:24:02.06
but I was so rested in the Lord,
00:24:02.41\00:24:04.53
I was so excited
00:24:04.56\00:24:06.53
about how God had
worked in my own heart
00:24:06.90\00:24:08.96
and the fact that I saw it.
00:24:09.47\00:24:11.20
I saw areas that I was blinding,
areas that I had excused
00:24:11.24\00:24:15.46
areas that I had fought over,
00:24:15.49\00:24:16.96
and the Lord opened my heart
00:24:17.93\00:24:19.09
to you, that night.
00:24:19.13\00:24:22.48
I lost all my desire
00:24:24.61\00:24:26.10
to tell you
00:24:26.60\00:24:27.64
what I have been
trying to tell you
00:24:28.02\00:24:30.03
in this same
conversation in the past.
00:24:30.06\00:24:32.04
Because before it was me
trying to get you to see.
00:24:32.54\00:24:34.59
And agree.
00:24:34.63\00:24:36.40
And you know, it was
so touching about that
00:24:36.44\00:24:39.48
is that in due
time we did have that
00:24:39.52\00:24:43.63
follow up conversation.
00:24:43.67\00:24:44.91
But it was nothing to mar
the beauty of this experience.
00:24:45.50\00:24:47.90
In fact that's how
you responded to me.
00:24:48.35\00:24:49.86
That's right!
00:24:49.89\00:24:50.86
You said: "Honey
00:24:50.87\00:24:51.84
this has been so beautiful
00:24:51.89\00:24:53.55
tonight. " - Yes.
00:24:53.96\00:24:54.93
"I don't wanna do
anything that will risk
00:24:55.44\00:24:57.56
damaging what has
happened in our home tonight.
00:24:57.60\00:25:00.41
What's happened in our lives"
00:25:00.44\00:25:01.77
And, you know, you said:
00:25:02.46\00:25:04.03
"I don't wanna say anything. "
00:25:04.34\00:25:05.41
"I just, I
understand what you say
00:25:06.42\00:25:08.25
I agree with what you say,
00:25:08.60\00:25:10.09
and I will make the changes. "
00:25:10.39\00:25:12.41
And that was powerful to me!
00:25:13.75\00:25:15.69
Very powerful! - It
was powerful to me too.
00:25:15.88\00:25:17.53
- For both of us! - I
can't take much credit for
00:25:17.98\00:25:18.95
other then
cooperating with the Lord.
00:25:18.97\00:25:20.73
And that's why it's so important
00:25:20.76\00:25:22.46
that early morning time,
00:25:22.49\00:25:23.99
or whatever time,
whatever time of day
00:25:24.09\00:25:26.01
you spend with God and the Word
00:25:26.04\00:25:27.76
He brings His Word
back to you when we need it.
00:25:28.66\00:25:31.31
He brings it back.
Just like in this situation
00:25:31.71\00:25:33.79
those verses came
00:25:33.82\00:25:34.93
as encouragements, as promises,
00:25:34.97\00:25:37.25
as strength to
face a difficult area
00:25:37.56\00:25:40.14
and find victory
working through it.
00:25:40.39\00:25:42.22
In our earlier
program we had talked about
00:25:43.98\00:25:46.29
the seven areas of
effective communication.
00:25:47.47\00:25:50.07
Those have been so
powerful in our own marriage
00:25:50.43\00:25:52.83
to have a committed
regular time for communication.
00:25:53.39\00:25:56.59
And that communication
is really listening
00:25:56.62\00:25:58.66
with the desire to understand.
00:25:58.69\00:25:59.94
And then to understand the
other person's perspective.
00:26:02.20\00:26:05.14
It doesn't mean we have to agree
00:26:05.17\00:26:06.49
but to understand
their perspective.
00:26:06.53\00:26:07.82
And to
communicate in the positive,
00:26:08.47\00:26:10.53
look for a better way to say it.
00:26:10.57\00:26:12.60
That's right! It's
nice to be appreciated
00:26:12.90\00:26:15.03
and have
communication that's that way.
00:26:15.07\00:26:17.17
And to be sensitive to
the nonverbal communication.
00:26:17.48\00:26:20.53
Because that's
happening all the time,
00:26:20.91\00:26:22.71
rather we like it or not.
00:26:22.74\00:26:23.71
So if we can be aware of that
00:26:24.02\00:26:25.44
and how it affects.
00:26:25.80\00:26:26.84
And to stay on the topic.
00:26:27.19\00:26:29.43
It's important that
we stay on the topic
00:26:29.47\00:26:30.95
and not be sidetracked
with things in the past.
00:26:30.99\00:26:33.82
And to be really
honest with one another.
00:26:34.07\00:26:36.14
That's important.
00:26:36.17\00:26:37.14
Anything else dear?
00:26:37.65\00:26:38.62
Well for "Please understand me!"
00:26:38.94\00:26:40.70
I think we need
to ad tenderness.
00:26:40.73\00:26:42.46
That's our
challenge to you this time
00:26:42.87\00:26:44.81
is to take this
earlier communication tools
00:26:45.13\00:26:47.46
and now ad tenderness with that
00:26:47.82\00:26:49.92
to really
understand your spouse.
00:26:50.30\00:26:52.11
That's right! And if we put
that with being swift to hear
00:26:52.15\00:26:55.10
swift to hear the Spirit
00:26:55.58\00:26:56.79
and then to hear one another
00:26:57.63\00:26:59.64
that tenderness will help us
00:26:59.99\00:27:01.28
to really
understand one another.
00:27:01.89\00:27:03.60
I think it would
be nice right now
00:27:04.27\00:27:05.24
that we'd ask the Lord
to bless our understanding.
00:27:05.25\00:27:08.37
Father in Heaven
00:27:08.40\00:27:10.70
we need understanding hearts,
00:27:10.74\00:27:13.73
heavenly beautiful love
00:27:14.41\00:27:16.86
that only You can
put in our hearts.
00:27:16.90\00:27:18.41
And we pray that as we try
00:27:18.44\00:27:19.91
to understand one
another and as we seek
00:27:19.95\00:27:22.10
Your wisdom to do it,
that You will bless us
00:27:22.60\00:27:24.65
to that end. Through
Jesus Christ we pray.
00:27:24.69\00:27:26.71
Amen!
00:27:26.74\00:27:27.71
And we hope you'll join us
00:27:29.78\00:27:31.14
next time! Because
we're gonna be talking about
00:27:31.18\00:27:33.29
something that's very important
00:27:33.32\00:27:35.30
and very
impactive in communication,
00:27:35.53\00:27:37.51
and It's called
communication breakers.
00:27:37.54\00:27:39.49
And we want you
to be here with us
00:27:39.97\00:27:41.28
so we can have a
marriage heart to heart
00:27:41.32\00:27:43.52
with the Lord.
00:27:43.55\00:27:44.52