Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:00:33.12\00:00:35.33
We're Tom and Alane Waters
with Restoration International
00:00:35.37\00:00:38.72
And we're excited
about our topic today!
00:00:39.14\00:00:41.67
It's one of those topics
that's going to make a real
00:00:42.02\00:00:44.84
difference in your marriage
00:00:44.87\00:00:46.83
if you're willing to
take hold of the principles.
00:00:46.87\00:00:49.22
Today we are going
to talk about seven keys
00:00:49.85\00:00:52.37
to effective communication.
00:00:52.40\00:00:53.75
So we hope we hope you
have your paper and pencil
00:00:53.79\00:00:55.42
ready to start.
00:00:55.45\00:00:57.09
Effective communication
has made a huge difference
00:00:57.77\00:01:00.31
in our marriage.
00:01:00.73\00:01:01.73
It has!
00:01:01.76\00:01:02.85
And you know,
one of the deadliest
00:01:02.96\00:01:05.36
things in marriage
00:01:05.46\00:01:06.88
is poor communication.
00:01:07.28\00:01:09.35
It's really like a
venom that many marriages
00:01:09.42\00:01:12.60
get struck by that viper.
00:01:13.10\00:01:14.77
It's like... it's a poison
00:01:14.80\00:01:16.44
and the more of that poison
00:01:16.91\00:01:19.43
of poor communication
00:01:19.85\00:01:21.07
that a marriage experiences
00:01:21.97\00:01:23.64
the more
separation is caused. And...
00:01:23.68\00:01:26.86
than we can't talk about
finances, we can talk about
00:01:27.21\00:01:30.56
the children, we can't
talk about the real needs
00:01:30.60\00:01:33.92
in a marriage.
And as that separation
00:01:33.95\00:01:35.66
and that poor
communication continues
00:01:35.69\00:01:37.39
it's really one
of the things that
00:01:37.77\00:01:39.40
begins to lead
00:01:39.84\00:01:41.03
in the path of divorce.
00:01:41.49\00:01:42.97
That's right! Because
misunderstandings happen
00:01:43.01\00:01:45.38
hurt feelings
develop, irritation,
00:01:45.41\00:01:47.26
even bitterness and resentment.
00:01:47.29\00:01:49.15
All because the
communication is not good.
00:01:49.58\00:01:51.59
That's right! I remember
00:01:51.62\00:01:53.03
one evening, it wasn't
00:01:53.19\00:01:54.91
too far into our marriage.
00:01:54.94\00:01:56.49
I came home from
a long day at work,
00:01:56.97\00:01:59.72
one of those hard days,
00:01:59.84\00:02:02.28
and I had so much
to do when I got home
00:02:02.57\00:02:04.92
I really didn't have
time to communicate with you.
00:02:05.50\00:02:07.75
And I didn't really
feel like communicating,
00:02:07.78\00:02:09.76
I just felt like
being to myself and
00:02:09.79\00:02:13.11
you remember what
happened that day.
00:02:13.64\00:02:15.38
Oh yes!
00:02:15.68\00:02:16.80
I always like you to talk but,
00:02:17.16\00:02:18.59
I gave you your
space so you could do
00:02:18.83\00:02:20.68
what you needed to do, and
kind of unwind for the day.
00:02:20.72\00:02:23.40
And then the phone rang.
00:02:23.43\00:02:24.64
And
00:02:25.44\00:02:26.41
- I answered it! - Yes!
00:02:26.51\00:02:27.48
It was kind of a
memorable situation.
00:02:27.49\00:02:29.33
Because you were too busy.
00:02:29.75\00:02:31.83
And so, the phone rang and
00:02:32.34\00:02:34.34
it was one of my buddies.
00:02:34.89\00:02:37.14
And you saw a change in me
00:02:37.20\00:02:39.12
when I got on the phone.
00:02:39.60\00:02:41.17
Oh, you came alive!
00:02:41.43\00:02:42.90
That phone conversation
just brought you alive.
00:02:43.44\00:02:45.23
This tired man that
00:02:45.75\00:02:47.53
had too much on his mind and
00:02:47.57\00:02:49.81
life was too stressful
00:02:50.20\00:02:52.26
and I came alive!
00:02:52.38\00:02:54.42
So, I ended up
talking for thirty minutes
00:02:54.95\00:02:57.81
on the phone that day.
00:02:58.32\00:02:59.38
And I know you remember that.
00:02:59.79\00:03:01.86
Yes. Because when
you got down I said:
00:03:01.92\00:03:03.40
"Who was it?!"
00:03:03.43\00:03:04.40
Yes. And I shared it
with you and do you remember
00:03:04.41\00:03:06.79
the famous
question that you asked me?
00:03:06.82\00:03:08.81
Yes! "What did you talk about?"
00:03:08.84\00:03:11.29
And do you
remember the famous answer?
00:03:11.52\00:03:13.22
Yes!
00:03:13.25\00:03:14.22
I turned to my
wife very flippantly.
00:03:15.41\00:03:17.68
Now, I've just
spent thirty minutes
00:03:18.13\00:03:20.19
I don't really have
time to talk to my wife
00:03:20.47\00:03:22.21
when I come home from
work this particular day,
00:03:22.25\00:03:24.27
I've got too much
to do, I'm too busy.
00:03:24.75\00:03:27.12
Now here's an
unscheduled phone call from
00:03:27.16\00:03:29.50
one of my friends
00:03:29.63\00:03:30.95
and now I relax and I spend
thirty minutes on the phone
00:03:32.23\00:03:35.47
laughing, enjoying conversation
00:03:35.50\00:03:38.39
and my dear wife
00:03:39.16\00:03:40.72
asks me what we talked about.
00:03:40.93\00:03:43.65
And my response was:
00:03:44.84\00:03:46.84
"Oh, nothing."
00:03:47.17\00:03:48.92
That wasn't a very pleasant
response for you! Was it?
00:03:50.18\00:03:53.00
No! Because it told me that
00:03:53.17\00:03:54.83
I really wasn't as
important as your friend was.
00:03:54.87\00:03:57.38
And I was just interested in
knowing what you talked about.
00:03:57.42\00:04:00.35
Because you seemed so
happy and enjoying it so much,
00:04:00.74\00:04:03.49
'course I wanted
to see what it is.
00:04:03.52\00:04:04.95
Maybe I can do some
of that too, you know?
00:04:04.98\00:04:06.38
And so, really
you weren't looking
00:04:06.99\00:04:08.68
for a full blown description
00:04:08.71\00:04:10.68
that would've taking
me another half an hour
00:04:10.71\00:04:12.28
in my busy schedule.
00:04:12.31\00:04:13.83
That's right!
00:04:13.96\00:04:14.93
You were just
wanting a little overview.
00:04:14.94\00:04:17.27
And, you know, I'm afraid that
00:04:17.56\00:04:19.45
that is what's happened
too many times in marriages,
00:04:19.49\00:04:22.63
that kind of scenario,
00:04:23.09\00:04:24.73
where we've got
time for everybody else
00:04:24.90\00:04:28.06
but somehow we just
don't seem to have time
00:04:28.46\00:04:30.81
for that vital communication,
that effective communication
00:04:30.85\00:04:34.52
that we need for a
marriage heart to heart.
00:04:34.55\00:04:36.93
I think about every couple
00:04:37.67\00:04:38.74
has experienced
that. - That's right!
00:04:38.78\00:04:39.90
and to whatever degree,
00:04:40.33\00:04:41.95
if it's something that
happens on a rare occasion
00:04:41.99\00:04:44.24
it's no problem.
00:04:44.55\00:04:45.52
But if something
that's happening daily
00:04:45.53\00:04:47.63
it is a problem.
00:04:47.66\00:04:48.76
- Yes! It is! - That
marriage is in trouble.
00:04:48.80\00:04:50.79
It begins to build barriers.
00:04:50.82\00:04:52.32
And I think it's interesting
00:04:52.35\00:04:54.62
Hebrews 13:16:
00:04:55.03\00:04:56.87
gives us a very important clue
00:04:57.54\00:05:01.02
about how
important communication is.
00:05:01.06\00:05:03.42
It says there: "To communicate
00:05:03.86\00:05:05.80
forget not: for
with such sacrifices
00:05:06.23\00:05:11.72
God is well pleased."
00:05:12.15\00:05:13.95
Now, that's very interesting.
00:05:14.06\00:05:15.50
That word "sacrifices" I wanna
underscore that for a minute.
00:05:15.70\00:05:18.86
Because that tells me
00:05:19.83\00:05:22.11
that God
understands this problem
00:05:22.15\00:05:24.12
that happens in many marriages.
00:05:24.16\00:05:26.10
But He also understands
00:05:26.99\00:05:28.36
that we can't forget how
important it is to communicate.
00:05:28.40\00:05:32.22
Because if we're
willing to communicate
00:05:32.25\00:05:34.63
and if we don't
forget to communicate
00:05:35.04\00:05:37.71
or don't push it off
00:05:37.74\00:05:39.09
and we continue to communicate
00:05:39.45\00:05:41.56
God is gonna be
very well pleased.
00:05:41.94\00:05:44.31
And we've come to find out that
00:05:44.77\00:05:45.97
we are very well pleased.
00:05:46.38\00:05:48.35
That's right because
God's pleased because
00:05:48.39\00:05:50.63
we are a happy couple.
00:05:50.66\00:05:51.73
- That's right!
00:05:51.76\00:05:52.73
We have harmony and unity
00:05:52.74\00:05:53.71
because our
communication is good.
00:05:53.72\00:05:55.28
So we need to look
at these seven points
00:05:55.72\00:05:57.37
of good communication,
of effective communication
00:05:57.41\00:06:00.15
in our homes.
00:06:00.18\00:06:01.15
First one we wanna talk about
is taking time for each other
00:06:01.46\00:06:04.08
'cause we can't communicate
if we don't take time to do it.
00:06:04.12\00:06:06.71
That's right!
00:06:06.74\00:06:07.71
So that's the
key, that's number one.
00:06:07.72\00:06:08.99
You know, and we like to
use these simple illustrations
00:06:09.13\00:06:12.33
you know, about
that telephone call,
00:06:13.08\00:06:14.21
because many of you
00:06:14.24\00:06:15.49
can relate to
this in your own way,
00:06:15.53\00:06:17.63
in your own circumstances.
00:06:17.66\00:06:18.84
But just relating
to it is not enough!
00:06:19.58\00:06:21.91
Those situations and
evaluating in our own minds
00:06:22.36\00:06:26.79
what took place
there helped us to begin
00:06:26.82\00:06:29.31
to say: "We need
to make a commitment."
00:06:29.79\00:06:31.99
"If we're gonna have
effective communication
00:06:32.03\00:06:33.83
we need to make
a commitment that's
00:06:34.26\00:06:36.39
worthy of our
marriage commitment.
00:06:36.43\00:06:38.53
And so do you remember the
00:06:38.93\00:06:39.98
commitment that I made to you?
00:06:40.02\00:06:41.48
Yes! I do dear!
00:06:41.89\00:06:42.86
You were generous.
00:06:43.12\00:06:45.00
We called it our
five minute time.
00:06:45.64\00:06:46.80
That's right!
00:06:46.83\00:06:47.80
Now,
00:06:47.81\00:06:48.78
don't think that
it's only five minutes,
00:06:49.03\00:06:50.64
but that's how it started out.
00:06:50.67\00:06:51.65
And I'll tell
you how it happened:
00:06:51.69\00:06:53.15
I recognized that I
needed to be giving my wife
00:06:53.51\00:06:57.36
a regular time every day
00:06:58.07\00:07:00.10
that was committed time,
00:07:00.41\00:07:01.72
time that she could count on.
00:07:02.04\00:07:03.31
Not only did I make
that commitment to you
00:07:03.45\00:07:06.47
but I told you that I
was going to really listen.
00:07:06.96\00:07:10.65
So I could say
anything that I wanted to say.
00:07:11.26\00:07:12.74
Anything you wanted.
00:07:12.77\00:07:14.20
And you remember the first day
00:07:14.46\00:07:15.81
that we had this
five minute time,
00:07:15.85\00:07:18.04
our talk time? - Yes!
00:07:18.07\00:07:19.18
It was five minutes, but
00:07:19.22\00:07:20.26
then it always went beyond that
00:07:20.30\00:07:21.50
- That's right! -
even from the first day.
00:07:21.54\00:07:22.71
But what it told me is that
00:07:23.16\00:07:24.23
you were willing to give
me special time every day
00:07:24.27\00:07:26.15
and that's what really
you were communicating to me.
00:07:26.19\00:07:28.04
More that just
when we can fit it in or
00:07:28.43\00:07:30.68
passed each other,
pass on the information.
00:07:30.71\00:07:33.36
And I've decided
that I wasn't gonna
00:07:33.72\00:07:35.90
start telling you
everything on the first day.
00:07:35.94\00:07:38.37
You won't gonna
just unload on me.
00:07:38.40\00:07:39.99
No! I wanted to
00:07:40.02\00:07:41.58
make it very positive for you.
00:07:42.01\00:07:43.23
And this is important.
When you get that time
00:07:43.27\00:07:46.44
don't start it by all the things
00:07:46.47\00:07:48.36
that you're not
happy with or that
00:07:48.40\00:07:50.38
you'd like to see improved.
00:07:50.41\00:07:51.72
Start it in a positive way!
00:07:51.75\00:07:53.89
And you know, one of the
things that I committed to
00:07:54.12\00:07:57.08
in my own heart when I
made that commitment to you
00:07:57.20\00:07:59.62
was that I was going to really
00:08:00.06\00:08:02.28
endeavor to listen!
00:08:03.03\00:08:04.43
Did you hear that word?
00:08:06.44\00:08:07.54
I did!
00:08:07.58\00:08:08.55
Did you hear that word?
00:08:08.56\00:08:09.86
Listen!
00:08:10.49\00:08:11.46
That is a very important word!
00:08:11.56\00:08:13.36
And listening as
far as I'm concerned
00:08:13.40\00:08:15.79
and what I've tried
to commit to my wife
00:08:15.82\00:08:18.33
in that situation
was: "I'm going to listen
00:08:18.36\00:08:20.84
so that you are
really understood!
00:08:21.25\00:08:24.53
And I wanna know
that you're understood.
00:08:25.48\00:08:27.93
And I wanna make
sure that I'm listening
00:08:27.97\00:08:30.36
not just waiting to
say what I wanna say."
00:08:30.40\00:08:32.72
Because, you know, many
times when we're listening
00:08:32.76\00:08:35.24
we can be, the brain
00:08:35.76\00:08:37.06
is incredible, we can be
00:08:37.71\00:08:39.06
listening, or
partially listening,
00:08:39.10\00:08:41.15
- Hearing words I think.
00:08:41.18\00:08:42.15
- Hearing words!
- Hearing the words!
00:08:42.16\00:08:43.13
And thinking about what
we're gonna say to respond.
00:08:43.35\00:08:45.18
And I made a commitment to
myself and I didn't say this
00:08:45.67\00:08:49.09
directly to you, but I wanted
to try to really listen for you,
00:08:49.40\00:08:52.59
what you're really saying.
00:08:52.92\00:08:53.92
And know that I
was understanding you
00:08:54.27\00:08:56.47
before I responded. Because
in our past communication
00:08:56.51\00:08:59.80
many times I cut you off.
00:09:00.20\00:09:01.41
"Oh, I know what
you're gonna say!
00:09:01.86\00:09:02.83
Don't say it! I know
what you're thinking!"
00:09:02.84\00:09:05.71
We've both done that! Right?
00:09:05.94\00:09:07.29
Yes we have!
00:09:07.92\00:09:08.89
But I recognized I needed
to take responsibility for that
00:09:08.90\00:09:11.53
for effective communication.
00:09:11.92\00:09:13.09
So, we made time
00:09:13.49\00:09:14.73
together, we took that time
00:09:15.50\00:09:17.38
faithfully
00:09:17.76\00:09:18.73
and I listened
00:09:19.55\00:09:21.03
to really understand you.
00:09:21.06\00:09:22.10
And you know what
your response was to me
00:09:22.13\00:09:24.00
that really meant a lot to me
00:09:24.26\00:09:25.23
as a result of
me listening to you
00:09:25.24\00:09:27.26
with understanding,
00:09:27.64\00:09:28.66
you started wanting to hear
00:09:29.04\00:09:30.93
my perspective again.
00:09:30.96\00:09:33.27
And that's really
effective communication.
00:09:33.74\00:09:35.48
That's right!
00:09:35.51\00:09:36.48
So that brings us
to point number two.
00:09:36.49\00:09:38.57
Listen with a heart to hear,
not just the head but a heart
00:09:38.70\00:09:42.28
that I really understand you
00:09:42.65\00:09:43.91
and you really understand me.
00:09:43.95\00:09:45.18
And we agreed
00:09:45.21\00:09:46.18
that we would hear what
the other one was saying
00:09:46.58\00:09:49.11
and we would
listen with our heart.
00:09:49.59\00:09:50.96
That's right!
00:09:50.99\00:09:51.96
And then we
would repeat it back so
00:09:51.97\00:09:53.98
if you said something
to me I would clarify:
00:09:54.02\00:09:57.00
this what I'm hearing you say,
00:09:57.03\00:09:58.13
this is what I
understand you to say.
00:09:58.16\00:10:00.01
Yes!
00:10:00.04\00:10:01.01
- And not a mechanical...
00:10:01.02\00:10:02.12
- Not in a mechanical way,
00:10:02.15\00:10:03.44
but just share back what
I'm understanding you saying
00:10:03.48\00:10:06.14
That's right!
00:10:06.17\00:10:07.14
And that was very important
00:10:07.15\00:10:08.32
because we found out
that sometimes our problem was
00:10:08.35\00:10:11.03
I was hearing
but not understanding
00:10:11.49\00:10:12.95
you were giving the time
but I wasn't understanding
00:10:12.99\00:10:15.41
or you weren't
understanding. - That's right!
00:10:15.44\00:10:16.96
So, hearing with a
heart, hearing with your heart
00:10:17.29\00:10:20.29
means that we're gonna
hear what the person has to say
00:10:20.63\00:10:23.71
and we're gonna say it back
so that we have clarification.
00:10:23.74\00:10:26.79
It doesn't mean that
I have to agree with you
00:10:27.53\00:10:29.37
or that you have
to agree with me,
00:10:29.40\00:10:30.68
but we have to
understand each other.
00:10:30.97\00:10:32.48
That's the second point!
00:10:32.51\00:10:33.55
That's right! And you
know, the beauty of that is
00:10:33.59\00:10:35.83
that if we
really have that desire,
00:10:35.86\00:10:38.57
which we do have, and
we have for many years now
00:10:38.61\00:10:41.44
when we have that
desire to really listen
00:10:41.78\00:10:44.70
and really understand
00:10:45.21\00:10:46.25
even though we don't
have to agree on everything
00:10:47.11\00:10:49.24
we can have
differing perspectives but
00:10:49.79\00:10:51.59
the beauty of it is, is that
we agree on many more things,
00:10:52.27\00:10:56.05
because of that
kind of communication.
00:10:56.46\00:10:58.14
And so I wanna talk
about that third area,
00:10:58.56\00:11:01.16
of effective communication.
And that is that we can
00:11:01.52\00:11:04.07
have differing opinions
00:11:04.10\00:11:05.51
and differing perspectives.
00:11:05.92\00:11:08.88
It doesn't mean that my
wife has to think like I think.
00:11:09.51\00:11:14.03
Or I have to
think like she thinks
00:11:14.06\00:11:16.01
in order to blend
our lives together.
00:11:16.04\00:11:17.96
The two shall become one.
00:11:18.28\00:11:20.08
It means that we have
to be able to communicate
00:11:20.46\00:11:23.01
in such a way that
we have the openness,
00:11:23.04\00:11:25.26
we have the
willingness, we have the desire
00:11:25.30\00:11:27.49
the understanding
00:11:27.52\00:11:28.49
that we can blend together.
00:11:28.91\00:11:30.39
And you can still
be your individual
00:11:30.76\00:11:32.41
and I can still be mine, we can
still hold differing opinions
00:11:32.44\00:11:35.51
and differing perspectives.
00:11:35.54\00:11:36.89
But where many
people get confused
00:11:37.32\00:11:39.49
is that we cannot
00:11:39.88\00:11:41.08
try to live on
different principles.
00:11:42.25\00:11:44.90
That's right!
00:11:45.33\00:11:46.30
effective communication means
00:11:46.31\00:11:47.98
that we can have
differing perspectives
00:11:48.41\00:11:51.06
on things that are,
you know, not a moral issue
00:11:51.10\00:11:53.83
things that don't affect
the principles of God's Word and
00:11:53.87\00:11:57.36
and don't affect the
morality and the integrity
00:11:57.79\00:12:00.33
of our marriage and family.
00:12:00.36\00:12:01.61
But we can't go around
00:12:02.01\00:12:03.07
having different
perspectives on principles.
00:12:03.46\00:12:06.08
That's right!
00:12:06.11\00:12:07.08
And the reason that many people
00:12:07.16\00:12:09.34
have the differing
perspective on principles
00:12:09.81\00:12:12.44
is number one because
00:12:12.79\00:12:13.89
many times we're
not going to God's Word
00:12:14.23\00:12:17.33
for that Sure Foundation
00:12:18.07\00:12:19.37
that we've talked about.
00:12:19.64\00:12:20.67
Secondly we're not
willing to let self die.
00:12:21.42\00:12:24.32
That's the me focus that
we've talked about earlier.
00:12:24.36\00:12:26.73
We wanna hold on to my me
focus and not let that go,
00:12:27.11\00:12:30.75
therefore we divide.
00:12:31.09\00:12:32.85
And you view principle this
way, I view principle this way
00:12:33.60\00:12:36.52
so maybe we
should give them a little
00:12:36.55\00:12:38.02
illustration about the
difference between perspective
00:12:38.06\00:12:40.56
and principle.
00:12:41.26\00:12:42.23
Well, one of the
things that I remember
00:12:42.49\00:12:43.98
that's happened more
than a few times in our home
00:12:44.02\00:12:46.34
is that when
we're at the meal table
00:12:46.69\00:12:48.18
and I'd like the children
just to try something once,
00:12:48.56\00:12:51.32
they don't have to like it,
00:12:51.35\00:12:52.32
they don't have to
eat a whole helping of it
00:12:52.33\00:12:54.08
but just to try it.
00:12:54.28\00:12:55.38
And so I may say
to them, you know:
00:12:55.78\00:12:57.35
"Alison, I'd like
you, to you know, try this,
00:12:57.39\00:12:59.86
before you decide you don't
like it, just take a bite."
00:13:00.27\00:13:03.24
It might not look good, but...
00:13:04.06\00:13:05.58
"Don't have to
like it! Just try it!"
00:13:06.40\00:13:08.62
And you may have a
totally different perspective.
00:13:08.71\00:13:11.20
You know, for you it's not
important that they try it.
00:13:11.50\00:13:13.63
That's right!
00:13:13.79\00:13:14.76
- And so.. - That's
one of the things that
00:13:14.86\00:13:15.87
we've differed on.
00:13:15.90\00:13:17.31
That's right!
00:13:17.34\00:13:18.31
And so, if I've
made that request
00:13:18.32\00:13:20.29
then you support me
in that. - That's right!
00:13:20.32\00:13:22.26
And if you have
let-outs that oh doesn't matter
00:13:22.65\00:13:25.70
then I support you in that.
00:13:25.73\00:13:27.29
That's right!
00:13:27.35\00:13:28.32
And we have a
differing perspective
00:13:28.33\00:13:29.62
but our communication is good
00:13:29.93\00:13:31.54
and we have that understanding.
00:13:31.57\00:13:33.15
And so, then we
parent in agreement
00:13:33.27\00:13:35.44
with our young people.
00:13:35.47\00:13:36.44
We don't give them
a different message.
00:13:36.45\00:13:37.94
That's right! So we can still
have a different perspective
00:13:37.98\00:13:40.21
but our children
see that although we
00:13:40.24\00:13:42.45
hold a different opinion,
we can support each other
00:13:42.49\00:13:44.47
in that when we're
visiting family or friends or
00:13:44.65\00:13:47.67
whatever I can
support you in that position
00:13:47.70\00:13:50.14
or if I'm the one
that happens to be
00:13:50.48\00:13:52.48
in the
situation to make it vocal
00:13:52.52\00:13:54.49
you know, about that
situation, you can support me.
00:13:55.44\00:13:57.69
But what about the principle
00:13:58.09\00:13:59.88
of Ephesians 6:1?
00:14:00.80\00:14:02.01
That says:
00:14:02.04\00:14:03.54
"Children,
00:14:03.84\00:14:04.81
obey your parents in the
Lord: for this is right."
00:14:04.82\00:14:08.26
Now, can we have
a differing opinion
00:14:08.83\00:14:11.91
on that and still have
effective communication?
00:14:11.95\00:14:14.10
No!
00:14:14.57\00:14:15.66
And many parents today do
have that differing opinion.
00:14:16.12\00:14:19.09
You've got one parent
00:14:19.69\00:14:20.93
who lets the children
get away with anything
00:14:21.08\00:14:23.63
and it's compromising
00:14:23.98\00:14:25.55
and is indulging
00:14:25.58\00:14:27.04
and they're telling the child:
00:14:27.34\00:14:29.12
"No, you can't do this."
00:14:29.15\00:14:30.32
And the child does it anyway
00:14:30.36\00:14:31.50
and the parent
does nothing about it.
00:14:31.53\00:14:33.62
So, here's the child getting
one message from a parent
00:14:34.00\00:14:37.16
that's very confusing.
00:14:37.51\00:14:38.77
"I don't really have to
obey mommy in this situation
00:14:39.05\00:14:41.15
'cause mommy just
00:14:41.18\00:14:42.81
lets me do it!
00:14:43.51\00:14:44.61
But now, when daddy comes home
00:14:45.87\00:14:47.52
daddy makes me obey."
00:14:48.29\00:14:49.95
That's not a good
message for our children.
00:14:50.33\00:14:52.39
That doesn't send them
00:14:52.77\00:14:53.90
an effective
communication message.
00:14:53.94\00:14:56.30
- And it brakes
down our communication.
00:14:56.33\00:14:58.99
- That's right! It
brakes down our communication.
00:14:59.02\00:15:00.08
It puts us against
one another at a variance.
00:15:00.15\00:15:02.84
So, we can have
differing opinions
00:15:03.21\00:15:05.25
on perspectives and
those kinds of things.
00:15:05.56\00:15:08.48
But when we come to the
principles of God's Word
00:15:08.52\00:15:11.01
we need to give
a balanced message.
00:15:11.04\00:15:12.94
And we need to give
you a brake right now
00:15:13.69\00:15:16.15
and we'll be
right back to talk about
00:15:16.57\00:15:18.42
the rest of those principles
00:15:18.79\00:15:20.91
about effective communication.
00:15:21.29\00:15:22.96
Stay with us!
00:15:22.99\00:15:23.96
There are many "How
to?" books available,
00:15:29.51\00:15:31.37
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple:
00:15:31.67\00:15:34.68
how you can "Build
a Better Marriage".
00:15:34.71\00:15:36.92
Bible-based, matrimonial advice
is given in a lighthearted,
00:15:37.58\00:15:41.18
easy-to-read manner, for
those contemplating marriage,
00:15:41.22\00:15:43.83
newlyweds, couples
in their golden years,
00:15:43.86\00:15:46.67
and everyone in-between.
00:15:46.70\00:15:48.33
Simply call or write
for your free copy of this
00:15:48.87\00:15:51.14
amazing little
booklet, a handy little tool
00:15:51.17\00:15:53.63
to help build a better marriage.
00:15:53.66\00:15:56.10
Welcome back!
00:16:02.77\00:16:03.74
We've been talking
about effective communication.
00:16:03.75\00:16:06.08
And we're looking
at point number four
00:16:06.11\00:16:07.92
to have effective communication
00:16:07.95\00:16:09.42
is that we have to be positive
00:16:09.45\00:16:11.82
in our communication.
00:16:11.85\00:16:12.95
We have to
appreciate one another.
00:16:13.40\00:16:15.05
Say things of
appreciation, express that.
00:16:15.77\00:16:18.39
And say things
in a positive way.
00:16:18.42\00:16:20.16
I remember I used to
say things like this:
00:16:20.57\00:16:23.12
"Oh, my husband is
not any good at that
00:16:23.55\00:16:24.82
can you help us with?"
00:16:24.85\00:16:26.18
Like mechanical things
00:16:26.22\00:16:28.62
or home
maintenance things you know,
00:16:28.71\00:16:30.26
we'll get a
friend who's a plumber:
00:16:30.30\00:16:31.78
"Can you do this? My husband
is not any good at that!"
00:16:31.82\00:16:33.94
That form of communication
00:16:34.07\00:16:35.71
is really a put down to you.
00:16:35.74\00:16:37.31
And I didn't even realize that.
00:16:37.35\00:16:39.22
I didn't really... you
know... even understand that
00:16:39.34\00:16:41.48
when we were
doing it in those days.
00:16:41.51\00:16:42.95
It really didn't
affect you that way,
00:16:42.99\00:16:44.36
but God put in my heart that
I could say something better.
00:16:44.40\00:16:47.34
effective
communication is positive.
00:16:47.37\00:16:49.67
You know: "Can you help
us with this pluming job?
00:16:50.27\00:16:52.05
That's not one of
my husbands strengths"
00:16:52.08\00:16:54.06
Certainly makes it sound better!
00:16:54.23\00:16:55.88
Yes!
00:16:55.91\00:16:56.88
It is, and...
00:16:56.90\00:16:57.94
It's not that he's just
terrible at it, but just...
00:16:57.98\00:16:59.84
not as high on the priority list
00:17:00.38\00:17:02.27
- Right! - ...strengths.
00:17:02.30\00:17:03.34
But looking for ways to
00:17:03.38\00:17:04.35
communicate something
in the most positive way
00:17:04.39\00:17:07.60
will improve our communication
00:17:07.99\00:17:09.89
and when our
communication is positive,
00:17:09.93\00:17:12.46
we have a marriage
that's heart to heart.
00:17:12.82\00:17:14.49
- That's right! -
And showing appreciation
00:17:14.88\00:17:16.49
many times you'll say: "Honey
00:17:16.52\00:17:17.80
thank you for the meal!"
00:17:18.02\00:17:18.99
I mean I feed you every
day and every day you have some
00:17:19.03\00:17:21.88
words of appreciation.
00:17:22.81\00:17:23.87
It's not taken for granted.
00:17:23.91\00:17:25.61
And that
influence has transferred
00:17:26.02\00:17:28.24
to our children in the home
00:17:28.27\00:17:29.24
and it creates the atmosphere
00:17:29.25\00:17:30.89
not just between us
that's at peace and resting
00:17:31.15\00:17:33.42
happy but also in
the entire family.
00:17:33.75\00:17:36.34
So the positive communication
has been very beneficial.
00:17:36.76\00:17:40.08
Well, you know,
if you think about it
00:17:40.11\00:17:41.86
all of us like appreciation.
00:17:42.35\00:17:44.42
I mean
00:17:44.45\00:17:45.42
don't you like
to be appreciated?
00:17:45.43\00:17:47.21
Doesn't it feel nice
when somebody notices
00:17:47.39\00:17:50.26
that you did a good job?
00:17:50.59\00:17:52.29
Or when you did
something special?
00:17:52.66\00:17:54.55
Now, we shouldn't be doing it
00:17:54.71\00:17:56.01
for that motivation
00:17:56.04\00:17:57.19
certainly.
00:17:57.38\00:17:58.35
But it's encouraging.
00:17:58.60\00:18:00.31
You know: "The lawn
looks great, honey!"
00:18:00.60\00:18:03.12
You know, those are
words of encouragement that
00:18:04.38\00:18:06.64
even though I'm
gonna still mow the lawn
00:18:06.90\00:18:08.47
when I hear my
wife say that to me
00:18:08.50\00:18:10.52
it just, yes! It's nice!
00:18:11.19\00:18:13.70
So, I think we've learned
and are continuing to learn
00:18:14.14\00:18:17.20
that if we express
those words of appreciation
00:18:17.99\00:18:20.92
and I do for the
meals like you said,
00:18:22.15\00:18:23.69
- You do for a lot of
things! - And it's because I
00:18:24.30\00:18:25.97
I really do
appreciate! I appreciated you
00:18:26.00\00:18:29.36
home schooling our children
through all those years.
00:18:29.40\00:18:31.59
I really genuinely appreciated
00:18:32.00\00:18:33.59
as I saw the fruit
in our young people
00:18:33.63\00:18:35.25
and saw their successes,
they went on in their careers.
00:18:35.29\00:18:37.73
It's been a blessing!
00:18:38.19\00:18:39.20
I genuinely appreciated!
00:18:40.10\00:18:41.57
And lots of people do
genuinely appreciate things
00:18:41.61\00:18:45.94
but they never express it!
00:18:45.97\00:18:47.29
And
00:18:48.00\00:18:48.97
it's like receiving a flower.
00:18:48.98\00:18:50.31
I mean I can think
nice things about you
00:18:50.35\00:18:51.69
but it's nice once in a
while to give you a rose or
00:18:51.72\00:18:54.83
you know, it says something
in a little different way.
00:18:54.86\00:18:57.96
That's right! And when we
00:18:57.99\00:18:59.50
increase our positive
communication in the home
00:19:00.66\00:19:03.22
it also increases the little
things we do for each other,
00:19:03.25\00:19:06.18
the little acts
of kindness. - Yes!
00:19:06.21\00:19:07.89
You know, like with
you mowing the lawn.
00:19:08.31\00:19:10.02
Oh, I'll bring you
out a glass of water.
00:19:10.35\00:19:11.88
Because I
appreciate what you're doing.
00:19:11.91\00:19:13.41
And so, it goes from our words
00:19:13.77\00:19:16.75
and it moves to our actions.
00:19:17.11\00:19:18.19
Yes! And I wanna
encourage the people
00:19:18.23\00:19:19.94
I think a lot of this
00:19:20.56\00:19:21.78
we do it out there
00:19:22.27\00:19:23.95
we express appreciation,
00:19:24.36\00:19:26.33
we write maybe
nice thank you notes and
00:19:26.37\00:19:28.77
and we express.. -
You did a great job
00:19:29.40\00:19:30.93
at some of your work. - Yes!
00:19:30.96\00:19:31.93
You know, we express out
there. Let's express it here
00:19:31.94\00:19:34.71
in the marriage!
00:19:35.41\00:19:36.66
Let's express it in the family!
00:19:37.03\00:19:39.41
Because that's where
it needs to be happening
00:19:39.74\00:19:41.66
the most!
00:19:42.09\00:19:43.16
Well, let's move
on to number five.
00:19:43.29\00:19:45.50
Being sensitive
00:19:46.72\00:19:47.69
or being aware of the
nonverbal communication
00:19:47.70\00:19:50.82
that takes place because
00:19:51.17\00:19:52.56
do you know that
even in our silence
00:19:52.92\00:19:55.51
we're communicating?
00:19:55.85\00:19:56.90
There's
communication that comes through
00:19:57.63\00:19:59.26
in the countenance of the face
00:19:59.29\00:20:00.48
there's communication
that's coming through
00:20:00.87\00:20:03.36
in the expression in the eyes.
00:20:03.39\00:20:05.91
And so
00:20:06.82\00:20:07.79
we need to be sensitive to
that nonverbal communication
00:20:07.80\00:20:11.13
because I can
be saying one thing
00:20:11.16\00:20:13.37
and be feeling something
else. And what I'm feeling
00:20:14.04\00:20:16.43
you'll probably know,
00:20:16.95\00:20:18.18
after living
with me for this long.
00:20:18.30\00:20:20.36
That's right!
00:20:20.39\00:20:21.36
Because we really
gain more by the expression
00:20:21.37\00:20:24.53
than we do with words.
00:20:24.90\00:20:25.87
'Cause the words
can be under control or
00:20:26.19\00:20:28.67
managed in even the
me focus to some degree.
00:20:29.11\00:20:32.03
But, what's inside can't be.
00:20:32.39\00:20:33.98
And that's where the
real message is coming from.
00:20:34.02\00:20:35.65
So to be sensitive
to our communication
00:20:35.68\00:20:38.60
and how we respond nonverbally.
00:20:38.93\00:20:41.06
That means our
heart has to be right!
00:20:41.10\00:20:43.02
The source has to be pure.
00:20:43.26\00:20:44.67
Yes!
00:20:44.73\00:20:45.70
That's what God
wants to do in our hearts.
00:20:45.71\00:20:47.13
I remember
00:20:47.28\00:20:48.25
I was just smiling because I
00:20:48.48\00:20:50.37
remembered that
one day we were having
00:20:50.41\00:20:52.64
a little family
council together.
00:20:52.67\00:20:53.92
It was a little
impromptu family council.
00:20:53.96\00:20:56.05
And the children had something
00:20:56.33\00:20:57.48
that they really
felt they needed to share.
00:20:57.52\00:20:59.08
And that's something we have
really encouraged in our home
00:20:59.33\00:21:03.14
is what we call family council.
00:21:03.17\00:21:04.66
You can come
together and you can share
00:21:04.98\00:21:06.16
what's on your hearts and
00:21:06.19\00:21:07.45
we'll talk about it
and we'll get a resolution.
00:21:07.68\00:21:09.70
So, that day
that they had come and
00:21:10.16\00:21:12.30
we were talking together and
00:21:12.94\00:21:14.10
it seemed like I was having
a little bit of difficulty
00:21:14.48\00:21:16.68
getting out of them
00:21:16.71\00:21:18.09
what they really wanted to
say, and I finally said to them,
00:21:18.50\00:21:21.21
you know: "Is there something
00:21:21.24\00:21:22.49
that it's keeping you
from just opening up?"
00:21:22.53\00:21:25.48
And one of them said: "Well,
00:21:26.24\00:21:27.54
Father,
00:21:28.82\00:21:30.24
it's that wrinkled forehead."
00:21:31.23\00:21:33.66
And I said:
00:21:33.83\00:21:34.80
"Wrinkled forehead?"
00:21:35.33\00:21:36.50
"What is, what do you
mean wrinkled forehead?"
00:21:37.27\00:21:38.97
And I started doing this, and
00:21:39.00\00:21:40.04
they said: "No father,
that's not what we mean"
00:21:40.51\00:21:42.54
I said: "Is it like this?"
00:21:42.57\00:21:43.94
"No, you can't make it
happen, except when you
00:21:44.35\00:21:47.67
are really doing it!"
00:21:47.70\00:21:49.21
"But when you get
that wrinkled forehead it
00:21:49.65\00:21:51.96
kind of tells us that
00:21:51.99\00:21:53.27
maybe this isn't the best
time to communicate this."
00:21:53.62\00:21:56.85
And so, you
remember, I said to them:
00:21:57.20\00:21:59.25
"Well, I don't wanna have
a wrinkled forehead anymore."
00:21:59.72\00:22:01.61
"Because in our home
00:22:01.90\00:22:02.87
we're serious about
living real Christianity."
00:22:02.88\00:22:05.35
That's right!
00:22:05.38\00:22:06.35
So I gave them
permission from then on
00:22:06.36\00:22:08.77
to tell me:
00:22:08.81\00:22:09.78
"If I'm getting
the wrinkled forehead
00:22:09.87\00:22:11.58
you have permission
to respectfully tell me
00:22:11.62\00:22:14.52
that I've got a
wrinkled forehead.
00:22:14.90\00:22:16.19
And by God's Grace
I'm gonna deal with this."
00:22:16.63\00:22:18.97
And have I dealt with it dear?
00:22:19.42\00:22:21.09
I haven't seen it in so long
00:22:21.47\00:22:22.82
I told you earlier, I almost
forgot what it looks like.
00:22:22.86\00:22:25.32
I'll have to wait
till the next time.
00:22:25.35\00:22:26.82
- And I want... -
You can't mimic it!
00:22:27.28\00:22:28.36
Yes, I want that to be an
encouragement to our listeners.
00:22:28.40\00:22:31.79
These things that are difficult,
00:22:32.93\00:22:34.51
the things that brake
effective communication
00:22:34.55\00:22:36.95
these things can be changed,
00:22:37.54\00:22:38.94
if we're willing to
cooperate with the Lord.
00:22:38.98\00:22:40.94
The sixth thing
we wanna talk about
00:22:41.40\00:22:42.92
to effective communication
00:22:42.95\00:22:44.50
is to stay on the topic.
00:22:44.54\00:22:46.06
And you have been
great in our marriage
00:22:46.54\00:22:48.44
to keep me on the topic.
00:22:48.47\00:22:50.07
Because sometimes, what
brakes communication down
00:22:50.51\00:22:53.10
is that something little starts
00:22:53.13\00:22:55.22
and one of those
communication breakers enter
00:22:55.80\00:22:58.15
and then we're down
here and here and here.
00:22:58.41\00:23:00.53
And pretty soon
we're in a big disagreement
00:23:00.90\00:23:03.43
over something that
wasn't even the issue.
00:23:03.46\00:23:05.21
Yes, it wasn't even
what we started with.
00:23:05.25\00:23:06.97
It wasn't where we started.
00:23:07.00\00:23:08.13
So stay on the
topic whatever it is.
00:23:08.17\00:23:10.51
If there's a problem
that has to be addressed
00:23:10.55\00:23:12.25
let's stay with the topic.
00:23:12.66\00:23:13.91
And it really decreases
the potential for frustration.
00:23:14.36\00:23:17.62
Amen!
00:23:17.65\00:23:18.85
And area number seven
00:23:19.30\00:23:20.62
the last area that
we wanna talk about.
00:23:21.00\00:23:22.64
is honesty and integrity.
00:23:23.80\00:23:25.82
Those are powerful words.
00:23:26.92\00:23:28.44
And
unfortunately in many marriages
00:23:29.48\00:23:32.43
there isn't open,
honest communication.
00:23:32.46\00:23:36.36
And we're actually gonna spend
00:23:37.06\00:23:38.51
we felt that this was important
00:23:38.96\00:23:40.23
if we're gonna
spend a whole program
00:23:40.27\00:23:42.16
talking about
honesty and integrity.
00:23:42.54\00:23:44.89
But it's been
vital in our marriage.
00:23:45.30\00:23:47.24
I mean
00:23:47.33\00:23:48.30
the honesty we're
talking about is not just
00:23:48.31\00:23:50.71
telling the truth.
00:23:51.05\00:23:52.04
It goes way beyond
that. What are we hiding from
00:23:52.08\00:23:55.06
one another?
00:23:55.09\00:23:56.06
And why are we hiding?
What's the motivation behind it?
00:23:56.07\00:23:58.62
So, that has been
a tremendous blessing
00:23:58.84\00:24:01.38
as we have been building a
marriage that's heart to heart.
00:24:01.42\00:24:05.00
That
transparency in our marriage
00:24:05.60\00:24:08.27
between each other
00:24:08.70\00:24:09.67
which only
improves our communication,
00:24:09.68\00:24:11.83
because we know when
we share with each other
00:24:11.87\00:24:14.01
we're open and honest,
00:24:14.38\00:24:15.41
even if the things we have
to share are difficult to share.
00:24:15.45\00:24:18.27
That's right!
00:24:18.30\00:24:19.27
So, we wanna give you
00:24:19.78\00:24:21.60
a personal challenge today
00:24:21.64\00:24:23.57
that you will take time daily.
00:24:25.28\00:24:27.81
This question of
communication is so vital.
00:24:27.84\00:24:32.96
If you're experiencing
00:24:33.20\00:24:34.86
the tragic results
of poor communication.
00:24:35.22\00:24:38.18
And if you feel
00:24:38.21\00:24:39.18
the walls are there and if
only one of you recognizes it
00:24:39.40\00:24:42.80
now is the time
to begin introducing
00:24:42.86\00:24:46.32
effective communication
00:24:46.50\00:24:47.99
on a daily basis.
Make a positive suggestion
00:24:48.19\00:24:51.03
that you're willing
to begin participating
00:24:51.45\00:24:54.29
with a regular
scheduled time of communication.
00:24:54.63\00:24:57.88
And then agree
00:24:58.80\00:25:00.42
even if it's just one person
00:25:00.73\00:25:02.85
we can agree in our own mind
00:25:03.09\00:25:04.86
that I'm gonna communicate
and listen with my heart.
00:25:04.90\00:25:08.38
If one person does
that in the marriage
00:25:08.88\00:25:10.93
you already see improvement.
00:25:11.35\00:25:13.02
Because it's what's
happening in your heart
00:25:13.36\00:25:14.87
that can make the difference.
00:25:14.90\00:25:15.91
So, really
listen with your heart!
00:25:16.32\00:25:18.09
Don't try to think
what they're gonna say
00:25:18.13\00:25:19.93
and finish their
sentences or get your
00:25:19.96\00:25:22.36
spiel ready to present.
00:25:22.39\00:25:23.73
Listen with your heart!
00:25:24.24\00:25:25.48
And then make sure
that you understand
00:25:25.52\00:25:27.39
before you draw
your conclusions.
00:25:27.42\00:25:29.39
That's right!
00:25:29.44\00:25:30.41
And then
00:25:30.59\00:25:31.56
we need to allow for
a differing perspective.
00:25:31.57\00:25:33.74
A differing perspective,
00:25:34.22\00:25:35.25
not on the
principles of God's Word,
00:25:35.28\00:25:36.92
we need to be united there,
but a differing perspective
00:25:36.96\00:25:39.14
on how we see life.
00:25:39.17\00:25:40.88
Express appreciation!
00:25:41.33\00:25:42.92
That is something that
happens regularly in our home.
00:25:43.37\00:25:46.06
And it has meant so
much. It opens communication.
00:25:46.45\00:25:49.55
I feel like sharing more,
00:25:49.78\00:25:50.94
I feel like sharing
my heart with my husband
00:25:50.98\00:25:53.20
when there's that
positive expression
00:25:53.62\00:25:56.22
and that appreciation
in our communication.
00:25:56.54\00:25:58.70
And be sensitive
00:25:59.92\00:26:01.28
to those
nonverbal communications,
00:26:01.56\00:26:03.63
the messages
that are being given
00:26:03.66\00:26:05.58
through what's
really in the heart.
00:26:05.62\00:26:07.81
Yes!
00:26:07.87\00:26:08.84
I can't control what
my husband expresses,
00:26:08.85\00:26:10.82
his nonverbals,
00:26:10.85\00:26:11.96
but I can allow
Christ to work in my heart
00:26:12.28\00:26:15.30
at the source and
my nonverbals can be
00:26:15.62\00:26:18.70
more positive.
00:26:18.95\00:26:19.92
And then remember
to stay on the topic.
00:26:20.32\00:26:23.07
Remember what you
really wanted to talk about
00:26:23.53\00:26:25.51
and don't get sidetracked
with all those other issues
00:26:25.55\00:26:28.20
that wanna come in, take
you down on a wrong track.
00:26:28.23\00:26:30.85
Don't bring up that past!
00:26:31.58\00:26:32.76
Stay on the topic!
00:26:33.12\00:26:34.39
And then be honest
in your communication,
00:26:34.70\00:26:37.08
even if you're concerned
it might be a little hurtful
00:26:37.46\00:26:40.19
be honest and sensitive
00:26:40.22\00:26:41.98
in how you present it.
00:26:42.12\00:26:43.30
We want you to experience
a marriage heart to heart.
00:26:44.57\00:26:47.79
And as we continue
to grow in our marriage
00:26:48.56\00:26:50.43
we know the main
key force behind it
00:26:50.46\00:26:53.78
is our willingness to surrender
00:26:53.81\00:26:55.43
and receive the
Power of Jesus Christ!
00:26:55.65\00:26:57.53
And we wanna turn there
00:26:57.56\00:26:58.76
for just a moment
as we close in prayer.
00:26:59.37\00:27:02.53
Father in Heaven we thank
You that we can come to You.
00:27:03.78\00:27:06.50
We wanna have effective
communication and we know
00:27:07.28\00:27:09.27
part of that is that we need
00:27:09.30\00:27:10.55
to effectively
communicate with You
00:27:10.58\00:27:12.49
through Your Word and
through our time in prayer.
00:27:12.95\00:27:15.28
And Father I just pray for
00:27:15.90\00:27:17.34
our viewing audience today
00:27:17.37\00:27:18.74
that if there's
communication barriers,
00:27:18.78\00:27:21.40
things that are
breaking down the communication
00:27:21.44\00:27:23.74
that our listeners
will take courage and hope
00:27:23.77\00:27:26.04
to continue to move forward
00:27:26.43\00:27:27.99
with a new desire to
communicate effectively.
00:27:28.31\00:27:31.34
In Jesus name
we thank You! Amen!
00:27:31.86\00:27:34.43
We hope you'll join us next time
00:27:35.78\00:27:37.79
as we continue talking about
00:27:37.82\00:27:39.24
effective communication.
00:27:39.28\00:27:40.67
This next time we'll be talking
about: Please understand me!
00:27:41.14\00:27:44.33
We all wanna be understood!
00:27:44.61\00:27:46.25
And we all want a
marriage heart to heart!
00:27:46.69\00:27:48.47
Produced by Three
Angels Broadcasting Network
00:28:25.21\00:28:28.21
Captions and subtitles
by Christian Media Services
00:28:28.25\00:28:29.87