Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart
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We are Tom & Alane Waters
with Restoration International
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Today we're going to be talking
about the Grave for Faults.
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So we hope you have
your pencil and paper ready
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as we begin this
interesting topic today.
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You know, one of the greatest
curses that face marriages
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and that destroys communication
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is complaining,
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fault finding,
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and gossip.
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It's terrible!
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What are we
gonna do about it dear?
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That's a good question!
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And I think it's a problem that
a lot of marriages experience
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is this fault
finding and criticism,
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- That's right!
- And complaining.
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And it's a problem that I had,
I know for a period of time.
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And it really
didn't help us at all!
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It only hurt us
in our relationship.
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Well, and I think
it happens with men
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maybe differently
than it does with women.
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But I know that there was
criticisms, I was finding faults
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And I think the difference, at
least in our situation is that
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there was somebody that you
started sharing some of that and
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you told me it was kind
of to get some sympathy.
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Yes! I think the difference
between you and I is that
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you shared your
criticisms with me.
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Which is where they
should've been shared!
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Even though they may not have
been shared in the right spirit.
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And I tended to share with
this one particular friend.
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You know some of my discontents
or my disappointments.
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And that really didn't help
me because I had no balancing
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person on the other side.
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It was only here in my side
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of the issue.
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And it didn't help
me to resolve things.
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What I saw happening as I
started focusing in this areas,
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that became, that started
little, that became bigger
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and bigger and pretty soon
that's what I started seeing
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in you and that's what
you started becoming to me.
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And it was
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quite a scary thing.
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So, it doesn't sound
like a really good friend!
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Because, from what I understood,
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she was actually
drawing some of this stuff.
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Trying to.. -Well I
didn't see that at first
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but I remember once,
in my personal study time,
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that I had come across
something "that the wives
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heart should be the
grave for her husbands faults"
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Sounds good for me.
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Yes! Not only for you!
It's really good for both of us.
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That's right!
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My heart needed to be
the grave for your faults.
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None of us are perfect!
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And there's always
gonna be little things
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that crop up weaknesses
or areas of difficulty
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that can crop up. - Yes!
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And if that becomes
our focus that changes
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the whole relationship!
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And so, when I read that,
it's like the Lord stepped
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right on my toes with that!
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And it's just
what I needed to hear!
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And I remember the
next time we got together
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I was determined, I was
going to let my heart be
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the grave for your faults.
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Because in reality the
faults weren't as big as I had
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made them out to be.
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And I can remember right where
we were standing in the kitchen
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and she started asking me
because I wasn't volunteering
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this time any information.
She was asking me questions:
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"Well, how is it with Tom?"
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And I said to her: "I have
no complaints!" I said that:
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"The Lord is changing him"
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"The things that he
struggles with in the past
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those aren't
issues with him anymore!"
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And I can remember her
coming back around and saying:
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well, you know: "What about
this, and what about that?"
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and I said:"Really, this isn't
a weakness that he had, and I
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took
responsibility for my part. "
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Even though she
wanted to dig a little bit,
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I didn't wanna go there.
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And I saw the difference
that made in my heart.
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And that is what began
to change me and convince me
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that this needed to be
very much a part of who I am
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for you in our marriage,
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to protect our marriage.
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That was a blessing to me,
when I realized the position
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that you had taken on that.
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I mean it was a comfort to me,
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because it says in Proverbs 31:
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"The heart of her husband
doth safely trust in her"
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Now, this was an area
that was a little difficult.
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Some times I didn't know what,
you were gonna be talking about
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in that situation.
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And so, you were
willing, for my sake
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and for the
sake of our marriage,
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to make the faults that I had,
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some of them you had turned
in to bigger than they were,
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some of those
little, - That's right!
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things. But I
believe that by doing that
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you created an environment where
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I could safely trust in you.
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And I've always been
able to safely trust in you
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since that time.
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And that's the way it
should be in our marriage.
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And I want that because I
wanna create that environment
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that you can trust in
me. And I have no complaints.
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And if there's anything that I
don't like, you're the first one
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that I will come to with.
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And that's the way it should be.
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And not to focus on
those little weaknesses because
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we all have them.
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I think that we men can
help facilitate this if we want
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to have our wife be
someone we can safely trust in.
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Than I think we need to
play a part in that because
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we need to be able
to communicate together.
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Isn't that
right? - That's right!
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If there are
things that are happening,
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if I don't want those
to turn into mountains,
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if I wanna keep them as
they are, some of are...
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it's the little things.
We've talked about that before.
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Than we need to be
able to communicate.
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You need to be able
to talk to me about it.
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We need to be able to sit down
and look at some of these things
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That I think, we as
husbands can do to help our wife
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in that situation. So if we want
her to bury those things and
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we want her heart to be
the grave for our faults
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we need to be able to work
through those things together.
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That's right!
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And to change
those things where we are
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- That's right!
- what we can do.
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Is not that we just stuff them
under you know, we bury them.
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Anything that's buried
goes down dead. And that's
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a very important
part. Many people think
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they're burying these issues,
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and they're just stuffing
them down alive and they and
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they keep
erupting - That's right!
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in the relationship.
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We need to bury them and
they can only go down dead,
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if we allow Christ to
crucify those feelings
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and those thoughts in ourselves.
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Then they can be put to
the grave and really be dead.
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And then the areas that
are real, then help each other
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to grow in, that we can
strengthen those weaknesses
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and change.
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That's right!
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And I think it works both
ways it isn't just something
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I know you read this but
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it also applies to
the husband as well.
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Husbands it really
does apply to us that
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our hearts should be the grave
of our wives faults as well.
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Because what it does: it creates
an environment in the home:
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a safe trusting environment.
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Where we can..
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we're honoring each other.
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There's no reason, that
her people have to be involved
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and a lot of the petty
things that husbands and wives
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end up sharing
outside of the Sacred Circle.
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And as you said a moment
ago, it isn't just a matter of
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you just keep being that way
or I just keep being this way
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and we just stuff it down and we
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you know say:
"Well, we gotta bury it!"
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"Now it's gotta be buried!
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Dead!"
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Ok?
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And it wont be buried
dead if we keep it alive!
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An it won't be buried dead
if we don't work through it,
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in our hearts.
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That's right! So, when we go
back again to 1 Corinthians 13
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it talks about what love will
do. This divine love that God
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wants to put in our hearts.
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It changes who we are!
It changes our relationship!
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It changes how
we treat each other!
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That's right!
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And it improves our relationship
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as husband and wife.
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It sure has!
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Definitely has!
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You know, it
creates a sheltering love.
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You know, when you think about,
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isn't it a nice thought?
I mean think about that,
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Friends, as a sheltering
love. It's a safe place for us
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to be together
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in our relationship!
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And that's the
kind of environment
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that we've created in the home.
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Does that mean that I
don't have anymore faults?
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No! Neither do I!
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I mean, I also have a few too!
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So it doesn't mean that suddenly
all the faults had gone away.
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But, what makes he difference is
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the environment that we
deal with those faults in.
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I'm convinced
that I can come to you
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and I can talk to you about the
things that are bothering you,
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the things that are
chafing or agitating to me.
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You can come to me!
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That sheltering love that
1 Corinthians love that bears
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that believes, that
hopes and endures all things,
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that kind of love creates
a sheltering love environment
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for growing. And
prepares the way.
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And prepares our
hearts, if I can say this.
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It prepares our hearts
to be a good burial ground
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for the faults
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of the one we love!
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So, I think there are two
important points that we need
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to bring out in this:
our heart being the grave
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for our spouses
faults. And the first thing is:
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Is the fault even real?
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Because many of the
situations that couples face,
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and some of these
were in my own experience.
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What I was seeing as a weakness,
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really wasn't a weakness at all.
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Is just something that you
did differently than I did.
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And I didn't understand why
you did it the way you did it,
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and I wanted you to do it
my way, therefore I saw it
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as a fault for
you or as a weakness.
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- That's right! -
So, is it even real?
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We have to determine:
Is this a real problem?
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Well, I think one
of the things and..
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It happened particularly
early in our marriage.
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One of the things that
would happen when I had my list
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of things to do,
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it wasn't a
really organized list,
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I've learned a lot
of organization skills
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in our marriage together.
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And, you know, that was an
irritation to you some times.
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Because I'd take my
list and I'd go to town
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and it would take me a
lot longer to get things done
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because I wasn't
organized very well.
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And yet, that faults,
you were very gracious to me
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in that fault but I didn't
like how you tried to help me.
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Do you remember that?
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Because instead of taking
your strength and my weakness
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and combining that,
that's what we're doing now,
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in every area of our marriage.
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Because it's exciting. And I
think you folks need to realize
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that it's exciting
when we take the things that
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are weaknesses, or are faults,
or things that we differ on
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and we can blend them together.
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Because now,
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how do I do when I
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have to take care of
things? - You're very organized.
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Very organized.
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But I've learned a lot
of that in working together
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in our marriage.
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But back in the early days,
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I'd say things like:
"Stay out of my business!"
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You know: "I can do
this myself!" Right?
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Yes!
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And I viewed your strength,
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as a fault!
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It wasn't really a fault!
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It's not something that
I really needed to bury.
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I had a fault!
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And you were trying
to help me in that fault.
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And you were doing
it in a very nice way,
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trying to offer to me.
And it wasn't until we started
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understanding how to
communicate better and how
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to give these
things to the Lord,
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that now we take those
strengths and weaknesses
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and we blend them together.
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And I used to
just give you my list.
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That was kind of
a transition point.
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I'd say: "You take it!"
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- "And organize it for
me!" - "Organize it for me!"
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"Rather than fight over it. "
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Now, I don't even
need to give you my list.
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'Cause I've learned!
It's been a blessing.
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And so, is it real faults?
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Many times it isn't a real
fault I remember that experience
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of the couple that we
were talking to just recently.
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And it wasn't. The things
she was trying to deal with
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on her husband they
weren't real, were they?
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That's right!
00:12:30.68\00:12:31.65
She felt that her
husband was always interested
00:12:31.89\00:12:34.40
in other women.
00:12:34.43\00:12:35.40
That's right!
00:12:35.41\00:12:36.38
You know, any what time
they would be anywhere in public
00:12:36.39\00:12:38.21
and she would see, you know
00:12:38.24\00:12:39.71
they were the other women
around, she was concerned that
00:12:39.75\00:12:42.04
he had eyes for other
women. - That's right!
00:12:42.44\00:12:44.77
And it became so real
to her that she started
00:12:44.81\00:12:47.11
seeing this in him. And
it was not a weakness of his.
00:12:47.51\00:12:50.03
- And so... -
She started reading
00:12:50.46\00:12:51.72
all of the things he did. - Yes!
00:12:51.76\00:12:52.99
Like if he get
too close to a women
00:12:53.02\00:12:54.93
- Yes or pass them by
just naturally you know.
00:12:54.96\00:12:57.04
- Or smile. -
Yes. Or just, you know,
00:12:57.07\00:12:59.12
normal human courteous
behavior. - That's right!
00:12:59.16\00:13:02.18
And I can remember as we
talked together I asked her
00:13:02.86\00:13:05.23
some basic questions.
00:13:05.26\00:13:06.63
"What has he done?"
00:13:07.04\00:13:08.36
"Has he? You know, is he
staying away from home late?"
00:13:09.00\00:13:12.98
"Is he hiding things from you?"
00:13:13.01\00:13:14.89
A lot of these questions.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
00:13:14.93\00:13:18.27
"Really is it a problem?"
00:13:18.75\00:13:20.94
"He's given you no
evidence that this is
00:13:20.98\00:13:24.08
a weakness of his!"
00:13:24.11\00:13:25.31
And in reality
it was her weakness.
00:13:25.76\00:13:27.95
She had the weakness, she was
looking at other men on the side
00:13:28.43\00:13:32.57
And she projected
that weakness unto him.
00:13:33.47\00:13:35.78
That's right!
00:13:35.81\00:13:36.78
And he became suspect to her.
00:13:36.79\00:13:38.04
It wasn't even a real fault!
00:13:38.54\00:13:40.10
And she didn't even
realized it was her own weakness
00:13:40.14\00:13:42.37
until we had that discussion.
00:13:42.40\00:13:43.83
So, we have to evaluate
and bring it to it's core.
00:13:44.53\00:13:49.54
to the root of the
problem. - That's right!
00:13:49.57\00:13:50.81
And that's how we saw.
We have to get to the root
00:13:50.85\00:13:53.14
to root the problem out.
00:13:53.17\00:13:54.80
To can lop up the fruit
on the top of the surface.
00:13:55.24\00:13:58.42
That's right! And I
wanna just for a moment back up
00:13:58.46\00:14:01.61
to that term you
brought up: projection.
00:14:01.64\00:14:04.31
This is something we've seen
many times in our counseling.
00:14:05.20\00:14:08.50
And I think it's something that
00:14:08.53\00:14:09.99
you, the viewing
audience need to think about.
00:14:10.61\00:14:13.90
Husbands, wives,
00:14:14.18\00:14:15.79
are you taking things that,
00:14:16.86\00:14:18.71
in this case that we
just shared, this lady
00:14:18.75\00:14:21.17
was taking things
that were out of her past,
00:14:21.21\00:14:23.56
her own insecurities and things
that we don't need to get into
00:14:23.60\00:14:27.73
here, but she was projecting
that unto her husband.
00:14:27.76\00:14:31.00
He was not doing these things.
00:14:31.51\00:14:33.82
And I just wanna encourage
you as we talk about this
00:14:34.05\00:14:36.63
to be able to
separate what are real faults.
00:14:37.15\00:14:40.51
And what are the ones
that are just perceived
00:14:41.35\00:14:44.01
and that we're actually
00:14:44.04\00:14:45.13
projecting out
of our own weakness.
00:14:45.47\00:14:46.98
When we come
back, in just a moment
00:14:47.69\00:14:49.68
stay with us because
we're gonna talk about
00:14:49.72\00:14:51.60
what we do, when
the faults are real.
00:14:52.34\00:14:54.67
And how we get
passed those faults!
00:14:55.16\00:14:57.39
There are many "How
to?" books available,
00:15:02.33\00:15:04.23
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple:
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00:15:07.52\00:15:09.95
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is given in a lighthearted,
00:15:10.78\00:15:14.10
easy-to-read manner, for
those contemplating marriage,
00:15:14.13\00:15:16.71
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00:15:16.74\00:15:19.57
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00:15:19.60\00:15:21.17
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00:15:21.65\00:15:23.45
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00:15:23.48\00:15:26.69
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00:15:26.72\00:15:28.40
Welcome back!
Where we're talking about
00:15:33.44\00:15:35.92
the Grave for Faults.
00:15:36.53\00:15:38.30
Each other's faults.
00:15:39.19\00:15:40.30
It's not to be put out there!
00:15:41.29\00:15:43.02
It's not to be stuffed down,
00:15:43.80\00:15:46.04
while it's still alive!
00:15:46.07\00:15:47.52
A grave is a place
for things that are dead!
00:15:47.56\00:15:50.45
And we were talking about
00:15:51.33\00:15:52.71
what if I think
my wife has a fault?
00:15:53.20\00:15:55.88
And the reality of it is:
I'm just projecting some of my
00:15:56.63\00:15:59.40
own weaknesses and
trying to blame her
00:15:59.43\00:16:01.72
and it's not her fault at all!
00:16:01.75\00:16:02.99
And now, we wanna talk about:
00:16:03.78\00:16:05.05
if the fault is real!
00:16:05.80\00:16:06.90
How do we know if
the fault is real?
00:16:08.94\00:16:10.67
We have to really evaluate
it in our own heart, right?
00:16:11.27\00:16:13.66
And that happens
through communication between
00:16:13.69\00:16:15.90
one and other. - That's right!
00:16:15.93\00:16:17.33
First of all identify it!
00:16:17.51\00:16:19.16
And then talk about
it! Is it exaggerated?
00:16:19.59\00:16:22.44
'Cause sometimes we've
identified little faults
00:16:22.48\00:16:24.89
in each other that
we've been able to talk about,
00:16:24.93\00:16:27.27
but in the person perceiving
it it's much more exaggerated.
00:16:27.31\00:16:30.99
And it's out of perspective.
00:16:31.46\00:16:33.58
But by being able to
talk about it we bring it into
00:16:34.07\00:16:36.70
a real level of a weakness.
00:16:36.73\00:16:40.52
Not an exaggerated. So that's
important when we identify
00:16:40.56\00:16:44.13
that the weakness
or the fault is real.
00:16:44.16\00:16:46.11
That we exaggerate it, to
make it bigger than it is.
00:16:46.57\00:16:51.74
We have enough
challenge to deal with them when
00:16:51.77\00:16:54.03
they're little. So
let's not make our work harder
00:16:54.07\00:16:56.30
in our marriages.
00:16:56.33\00:16:57.30
That's right!
00:16:57.31\00:16:58.28
You know, you hit on
something that's very important.
00:16:58.44\00:17:01.24
It's very obvious! But it's
lacking in many marriages today!
00:17:01.58\00:17:06.29
And that is: we need to be
able to communicate about these
00:17:06.98\00:17:08.98
things.
00:17:09.01\00:17:09.98
And we're not gonna be
able to communicate very well if
00:17:10.06\00:17:12.33
we're not in a safe environment,
00:17:12.36\00:17:13.88
which is what we were
talking about earlier.
00:17:13.92\00:17:16.05
If we're not in a safe
environment, within our home,
00:17:16.09\00:17:18.64
in a sheltering
love environment.
00:17:18.99\00:17:20.93
And I remember a couple
that called me and they were
00:17:21.86\00:17:26.47
right on the verge. In
fact the lady had gone to
00:17:26.96\00:17:30.66
an attorney,
00:17:30.69\00:17:31.66
and was
00:17:32.26\00:17:33.23
ready to proceed
with a divorce filing.
00:17:34.69\00:17:37.52
And
00:17:38.37\00:17:39.34
I picked up the
phone one day and
00:17:39.82\00:17:41.57
I now you remember
the story very well, but I
00:17:41.61\00:17:43.99
picked up the phone one day and
00:17:44.02\00:17:45.33
this lady is on the
other end and she said:
00:17:45.72\00:17:48.17
"I know what your
ministry does. I know you work
00:17:48.71\00:17:51.91
in restoring
marriages and families". And
00:17:51.94\00:17:54.75
she said: "I went to
a divorce attorney. "
00:17:55.16\00:17:59.73
But she said: "As I was
there I just had this prompting
00:17:59.76\00:18:03.22
that I needed to give our
marriage one more chance. "
00:18:04.08\00:18:07.53
And she said:
"So, I'm calling you!"
00:18:07.56\00:18:10.24
And: "I wanna give
God one more chance!"
00:18:10.76\00:18:13.15
Well, that's a pretty
heavy responsibility, isn't it?
00:18:13.19\00:18:15.59
Yes! Very heavy!
00:18:15.62\00:18:17.02
And that's why in these
situations we are always praying
00:18:17.45\00:18:21.13
As we proceed in a
conversation like this.
00:18:21.72\00:18:24.07
Well,
00:18:24.64\00:18:25.61
I had the opportunity to begin
counseling with this couple.
00:18:25.69\00:18:30.51
The husband and
wife were the husband
00:18:31.03\00:18:32.97
was really shocked that
this was gonna be happening.
00:18:33.01\00:18:35.62
But, as you know, the reason
00:18:36.32\00:18:38.69
that this husband
was shocked is because
00:18:38.73\00:18:40.80
they weren't communicating. He
didn't realize how bad it was.
00:18:40.83\00:18:43.99
And I remember, as
we talked together,
00:18:44.67\00:18:46.83
on the phone, one of the
things that they both identified
00:18:47.35\00:18:50.92
that they hadn't previously,
00:18:50.95\00:18:52.72
because now they hearing each
other saying it on the telephone
00:18:52.76\00:18:56.17
They realized
that there was a huge
00:18:56.69\00:18:59.33
misperception over a fault.
00:18:59.83\00:19:02.86
That was not really
real, it was perceived.
00:19:03.42\00:19:05.41
And I heard the wife say:
00:19:05.86\00:19:07.57
"You mean you
haven't felt that way?"
00:19:08.18\00:19:10.31
"Towards me all
these years of marriage?"
00:19:10.34\00:19:12.44
He said: "No, I've
never felt that way!"
00:19:12.93\00:19:15.08
Well, the problem was:
they weren't communicating!
00:19:15.12\00:19:17.31
And the walls
had been building up.
00:19:17.74\00:19:19.75
And then as I
addressed him on the situation
00:19:20.16\00:19:23.60
and he began to
share his perspective,
00:19:23.63\00:19:25.75
it was, there was
a total break down!
00:19:26.06\00:19:28.28
there in their communication!
00:19:28.31\00:19:29.98
And over the next few months,
00:19:30.01\00:19:31.65
we were talking together and
00:19:32.36\00:19:34.78
what that wife needed
00:19:35.25\00:19:36.69
more than anything was
to know that her husband
00:19:37.19\00:19:40.46
loved her enough to give
her at least one afternoon
00:19:40.49\00:19:43.73
and evening
00:19:43.76\00:19:44.73
one afternoon
and evening a week.
00:19:45.20\00:19:47.42
That he could commit to her.
00:19:48.15\00:19:49.74
He was very busy! He was
very busy in his business.
00:19:49.93\00:19:54.38
And he was very dedicated!
00:19:55.02\00:19:56.78
And it seemed
like every time that
00:19:56.82\00:19:59.26
the business
called he was ready to go!
00:19:59.29\00:20:02.16
But he wasn't meeting
the needs of his wife.
00:20:02.93\00:20:04.94
There, in that
phone conversation he made
00:20:05.76\00:20:07.55
that commitment
00:20:07.58\00:20:08.55
to me
00:20:09.27\00:20:10.24
for his wife.
00:20:10.58\00:20:11.61
And you know, it
was beautiful to watch
00:20:12.08\00:20:13.88
over the next few
weeks as we talked,
00:20:13.92\00:20:15.69
that as he made that commitment
00:20:16.17\00:20:17.71
he would nothing come
between that commitment
00:20:17.75\00:20:20.84
for his wife.
00:20:21.72\00:20:22.71
And you know, she began to
tell me, in our conversations
00:20:22.75\00:20:26.23
with the three of
us, she began to tell me:
00:20:26.26\00:20:27.89
"I know now how much my
husband really loves me!"
00:20:28.70\00:20:32.44
"Because not everything
else is pushing us apart!"
00:20:32.92\00:20:35.32
And as we continued to
talk about the other faults and
00:20:35.68\00:20:39.23
the other
weaknesses that were there,
00:20:39.26\00:20:40.95
and some of them were very real,
00:20:40.98\00:20:42.30
but now we had a
basis of communication.
00:20:42.68\00:20:44.71
And at the end of three months
00:20:45.21\00:20:47.35
I remember, I'll
never forget the day,
00:20:48.48\00:20:50.21
that they were both on the
phone and the wife said to me,
00:20:50.62\00:20:52.95
she said: "Can we just do
this on an as needed basis?"
00:20:53.83\00:20:58.43
She said: "I have
never loved my husband
00:20:58.46\00:21:02.49
as much as I love him now!"
00:21:02.52\00:21:04.08
"Even on our wedding
day, I did not love him
00:21:04.51\00:21:07.55
like I love him now!"
00:21:07.58\00:21:09.02
My heart was thrilled!
00:21:09.05\00:21:10.46
Because this was a marriage
00:21:10.85\00:21:12.60
over some very simple faults,
00:21:13.35\00:21:15.85
some of which
were misunderstood,
00:21:15.88\00:21:17.56
- Some not real and some
real. - That's right! Some, that
00:21:18.35\00:21:20.70
were not real, some
that were perceived,
00:21:20.73\00:21:22.74
that they had been dividing
00:21:22.99\00:21:24.22
and their communication
had become less and less.
00:21:24.26\00:21:26.21
And to see that
marriage come back together
00:21:26.72\00:21:29.39
was a thrill to my soul!
00:21:29.42\00:21:31.58
Because God
wants to restore homes!
00:21:32.05\00:21:33.64
And there are people out
here today that are listening
00:21:34.06\00:21:36.34
today, that are
finding themselves
00:21:37.24\00:21:40.22
with those kind
of perceived faults.
00:21:41.21\00:21:43.58
Some of those real
faults and those have separated.
00:21:44.55\00:21:48.73
You know, it was
interesting, she said to me,
00:21:49.39\00:21:51.72
before she closed
that conversation,
00:21:52.28\00:21:55.88
that she was now the
happy bride of her husband.
00:21:56.42\00:22:00.86
She was the joyful bride,
00:22:01.58\00:22:04.48
that she had not been in
many years in their marriage.
00:22:04.95\00:22:07.38
And was it right on the verge of
seeing that marriage destroyed.
00:22:07.42\00:22:11.27
So, sometimes it
isn't the major crisis!
00:22:11.81\00:22:14.72
That's right!
00:22:14.75\00:22:15.72
It's many times these
faults that go unburied
00:22:15.73\00:22:18.24
they go, undone with,
that begin to stack up
00:22:18.28\00:22:21.10
and create the crisis.
00:22:21.68\00:22:22.97
That's right!
00:22:23.00\00:22:23.97
While we try to stuff
them down, but they get bigger
00:22:23.98\00:22:26.29
and bigger and bigger
because they're growing
00:22:26.32\00:22:27.70
underneath the
surface. - Yes! They're no dead!
00:22:27.73\00:22:29.08
- They're not
dead! - That's right!
00:22:29.11\00:22:30.46
And we need to learn how
to put those things down.
00:22:30.50\00:22:32.80
That's right!
00:22:32.83\00:22:33.80
And that's why our dependence
on God is so important.
00:22:33.81\00:22:35.81
When there's a, when I have a
00:22:36.29\00:22:39.06
a difficulty, when I perceive
something from you, if I see
00:22:39.49\00:22:42.82
weakness I need to ask
God to help me be the one
00:22:42.85\00:22:46.70
to encourage you for change
instead of criticizing you
00:22:47.04\00:22:50.43
or putting you
down or demean you.
00:22:50.46\00:22:52.71
Even in the way we communicate,
can be very demeaning.
00:22:53.06\00:22:55.86
- That's right! -
So I need to ask God
00:22:56.23\00:22:57.31
to help me to be the person, the
wife the true help meet I can be
00:22:57.35\00:23:01.39
to help you make that
change. And you do that for me.
00:23:01.54\00:23:04.16
And then the
weaknesses turn into strength.
00:23:04.54\00:23:06.87
- That's right! -
And they dissipate.
00:23:07.21\00:23:08.86
And I know that we
still have weaknesses
00:23:09.40\00:23:10.92
but sometimes it's hard
to even remember them. I mean
00:23:10.95\00:23:13.78
you know, we've challenged
ourselves, you know: where are
00:23:13.81\00:23:16.63
where are our weak areas?
00:23:16.66\00:23:18.23
And are we really
working with that?
00:23:18.27\00:23:20.43
So, we, each individually,
whatever it's the husband
00:23:20.81\00:23:23.67
or the wife have
a key responsibility
00:23:23.70\00:23:26.18
in the making the difference.
00:23:26.21\00:23:27.49
The one who recognizes
it, rather than complain
00:23:27.53\00:23:30.24
let's turn it in: "let's restore
the marriage through that.
00:23:30.28\00:23:33.44
And that's the exciting part.
00:23:33.88\00:23:35.24
If we can convince you
00:23:35.62\00:23:38.31
that if you will take this
to the Lord and if you will
00:23:39.63\00:23:43.39
communicate
00:23:43.94\00:23:44.92
and we're gonna spend some time
00:23:45.64\00:23:47.39
- Talking about communication.
- Yes several different programs
00:23:47.43\00:23:49.24
on
communication! - That's right!
00:23:49.27\00:23:50.24
Because it's vitally important!
It's the lack of communication
00:23:50.25\00:23:52.99
that often leads to
these misperceptions.
00:23:53.02\00:23:55.60
But if you will take the
time to begin to communicate
00:23:56.16\00:23:59.85
if you will allow your
00:23:59.88\00:24:02.83
your faults to be
revealed. You know,
00:24:02.87\00:24:04.94
one of the hardest
things for either of us
00:24:04.98\00:24:07.11
when we're in the "me focus"
00:24:07.14\00:24:08.77
is to let the other
person really express
00:24:09.19\00:24:12.39
the fault!
00:24:12.90\00:24:13.87
And now, I can say this to
you as I can say it to my wife
00:24:14.43\00:24:17.79
She can come to me now,
not that I always like it,
00:24:18.73\00:24:21.27
not that it always feels good,
00:24:21.30\00:24:22.91
but she can come to me and
we can talk about my faults.
00:24:23.35\00:24:27.15
I can go to her and
talk about her faults.
00:24:27.62\00:24:30.48
Because we know, that at the
end of it we're gonna be better.
00:24:30.86\00:24:33.31
We're gonna have
a better marriage!
00:24:33.34\00:24:34.67
That's right!
00:24:34.70\00:24:35.67
And the openness to do that,
not to come to criticize but
00:24:35.76\00:24:39.66
to come to encourage and
to restore. That's the key
00:24:39.69\00:24:42.97
- That's right! - In
facing these weaknesses
00:24:43.00\00:24:45.74
that we each have.
00:24:45.77\00:24:46.86
So that's really the
challenge that we have for them.
00:24:47.39\00:24:50.72
Is that they would be willing
00:24:51.20\00:24:52.54
not just hearing us, but
that you would be willing
00:24:53.43\00:24:56.04
to really, honestly
allow your wife or your husband
00:24:56.46\00:25:00.62
to come to you!
00:25:00.65\00:25:01.62
Allow, for that
communication that can happen!
00:25:01.92\00:25:04.74
So, the weaknesses that
we see, they can be real.
00:25:05.97\00:25:09.20
But, how we
respond to them is the key!
00:25:09.77\00:25:13.17
And if each one of us
00:25:13.68\00:25:15.67
if each one of you
00:25:16.18\00:25:17.57
would let your heart be
the grave yard for those faults
00:25:18.13\00:25:22.04
you will see a
difference in your marriage.
00:25:22.54\00:25:24.41
And it doesn't have to
take weeks and months and years!
00:25:24.45\00:25:27.13
You're gonna see
the difference in days!
00:25:27.16\00:25:29.20
Sometimes in an hour!
00:25:29.23\00:25:30.95
It's incredible to
see the difference!
00:25:31.37\00:25:33.35
That's right!
00:25:33.38\00:25:34.35
So what's their challenge?
00:25:34.42\00:25:35.65
Well, the challenge
that all of us have:
00:25:36.14\00:25:38.79
Let's find out if they're real!
00:25:40.49\00:25:41.95
- That's right! - Ok?
00:25:41.98\00:25:43.18
Let's be honest! And the place
to find out if they're real
00:25:43.60\00:25:45.96
is not just by my perception.
00:25:46.42\00:25:48.63
- It's on our
knees! - It's on our knees
00:25:49.31\00:25:50.83
before the Lord!
We need to find out:
00:25:50.86\00:25:52.35
Is this really real?
00:25:52.38\00:25:54.35
And if it is real?
00:25:54.81\00:25:56.24
We find out that it's
real, we need to start praying.
00:25:56.64\00:25:59.80
Not to change my wife!
00:26:00.12\00:26:02.58
Now, we can do that!
But I wanna suggest to you
00:26:02.86\00:26:05.01
that where we need to
start praying first is Lord!
00:26:05.04\00:26:07.26
We need to see this buried!
00:26:08.12\00:26:09.78
Not buried alive!
This needs to be buried:
00:26:10.52\00:26:12.52
"Give me that real forgiveness,
00:26:12.55\00:26:15.00
and let it be
buried in my heart!"
00:26:15.58\00:26:17.92
Because if it's
buried there dead,
00:26:17.95\00:26:20.26
than I'm gonna have the
best opportunity of helping
00:26:20.69\00:26:23.26
you to work through
that real fault that's there.
00:26:23.30\00:26:25.84
That's right!
00:26:25.87\00:26:26.84
So, if we need God to help
us with this, than maybe we can
00:26:27.61\00:26:31.14
turn to God right now,
00:26:31.86\00:26:32.87
as we close! Do you
wanna close in prayer honey?
00:26:33.67\00:26:35.76
Sure!
00:26:35.79\00:26:36.76
Father, we're
thankful that You do have a
00:26:38.65\00:26:40.42
forgiving Spirit towards us.
00:26:40.45\00:26:42.10
And that You
remember our sins no more.
00:26:42.63\00:26:45.21
And help us as
husbands and wives
00:26:46.01\00:26:48.22
that we too can give our spouse
00:26:48.68\00:26:54.53
that part of our heart that will
00:26:55.15\00:26:56.77
bury those faults and weaknesses
00:26:56.81\00:26:58.40
to be remembered no more.
00:26:58.43\00:26:59.81
And if they're
real Lord, help us to be
00:27:00.39\00:27:01.84
the instrument in Your Hands
00:27:01.87\00:27:03.21
to strengthen and to
uplift and to change!
00:27:03.65\00:27:06.25
And we believe
that this can be done.
00:27:07.18\00:27:08.75
Because You are
the God of all flesh
00:27:08.78\00:27:10.64
and there is nothing to
hard for You and we thank you
00:27:10.68\00:27:13.92
for Your
willingness! In Jesus name Amen!
00:27:14.38\00:27:16.32
Amen!
00:27:16.74\00:27:17.71
Well, we've got
another exciting subject,
00:27:19.76\00:27:23.46
next time we get together!
00:27:23.49\00:27:24.50
Building a Foundation!
00:27:25.58\00:27:26.98
We've had to build
that foundation, haven't we?
00:27:27.91\00:27:29.66
We've built the first
one that wasn't very strong!
00:27:30.14\00:27:32.68
- That's right! -
The second one has
00:27:32.71\00:27:33.88
withstood tempests and
trials! - That's right!
00:27:33.92\00:27:36.56
Building a sure foundation!
00:27:36.59\00:27:38.77
And we're gonna find
out how we build that,
00:27:39.73\00:27:41.84
next time we're together!
00:27:42.31\00:27:44.76