Participants: Alane Waters, Tom Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000006
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00:34 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart
00:36 We are Tom and Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:40 and we hope you brought a paper and pencil along, because we 00:43 remember about 10% of what we hear. That means we forget 90%. 00:48 So by taking notes and writing things down that impress 00:51 your heart you can develop your marriage into 00:54 a heart to heart relationship! 00:56 Last time that we were together we were talking about 00:59 Developing Respect 01:00 Today we're going to talk about: Cultivating Restraint! 01:05 They go hand in hand! Don't they, honey? 01:06 They do! 01:08 They accent each other! 01:11 So, I wonder how the people did last time with their homework! 01:16 Their challenge. 01:18 We had a little homework of our own didn't we? 01:19 Yes we did! 01:21 Cultivating that kindness. 01:24 And you want to tell them what you did for me last night? 01:26 while you were cultivating kindness? 01:28 I gave you a nice head massage! 01:30 Oh, it was wonderful! 01:32 Husbands! You need to get a really great head massage! 01:36 It's wonderful to relax you! Especially after you've 01:41 had a busy day at the office! 01:43 Get a nice head massage. That was cultivating kindness! 01:47 That's what my wife was doing for me! 01:49 Developing Respect! Right? 01:50 That's right! 01:52 And today we want to talk about: Cultivating Restraint! 01:55 And that's something that goes hand in hand! 01:57 You can't really separate them. Because if I'm 02:00 developing respect for you, than I'm also learning 02:03 how to be restrained myself. 02:05 I remember a long time ago, even before we were married 02:09 we had one of those conversations. 02:11 You now, where we talk about everything. This one particular 02:14 night we were talking about when we were married 02:16 would we have pets? 02:18 And if we would, what kind we would have? 02:20 Do you remember that conversation? 02:23 Well, I remember you sharing this conversation with me. 02:28 Well, we both grew up in different settings. 02:33 A grew up in suburbia and you grew up on the farm. 02:36 And so, my vote for an animal, for a pet was to have a cat. 02:42 And your vote was a dog! 02:45 And, in my home the cat was a house cat! 02:50 It was in the house and out of the house. 02:52 And in your home the cat was in the barn. 02:56 Very efficient cats! Yes! 02:57 You called them "mousers", right? 03:00 And I didn't think that that was too impressive. But anyway 03:02 obviously we didn't agree at that time. This is what 03:05 I remember. 03:07 Clear back in our engagement time. 03:10 And so, as time went on and we came to the solution 03:14 that we would have a pet when we had children. 03:19 And if we had a girl we would have a cat. 03:22 And if we had a boy we would get a dog. 03:24 It was kind of one of those gender things, you know. 03:27 So, I remember when we first had our first child. 03:32 Allison we named her. 03:33 And I reminded you of this conversation. 03:36 Oh yes you did! 03:38 I said honey, we've got a girl we can get a cat! 03:41 And how did I respond to that? Do you remember? 03:44 You had no recollection of the conversation at all. In fact, 03:47 I figured, that because you love cats so much 03:51 that you have probably dreamed about this conversation. 03:55 Because I don't remember it ever happening! 03:58 And I remembered it very clearly! 03:59 And that's where we get in conflict in a marriage! 04:03 When one person remembers a conversation, 04:05 and it's clear to them! And of course they don't believe 04:08 they'd made it up! 04:10 And the other person doesn't have any idea 04:12 of the conversation ever taking place. 04:15 There we have the recipe for conflict! 04:18 So how do we deal with this kind of situations? 04:21 Well, we found a solution and that was to just not to get 04:24 any pet at that time! 04:26 Then when we had our second child we named her Emily. 04:29 And I reminded you again of this pre-marriage conversation. 04:35 And you still didn't remember it! 04:38 I'm starting to remember it better now. 04:40 Now, that I've heard this a few times! 04:42 Because I reminded you so much of it, right?! 04:44 Right! 04:45 But, we had a choice to make. 04:49 Do we get upset? Do we loose respect? 04:52 Do we loose our personal restraint? Because 04:55 I have to be right? 04:56 Or are we willing to look for another alternative? 04:59 Well, we did have a third child! 05:02 And his name was Josiah! 05:04 And we didn't get a dog! 05:06 We didn't get a dog! 05:08 And I didn't try to remind you about that conversation, right? 05:10 That's right! You didn't! 05:12 But, it's interesting that through the years 05:14 this little topic has come up in our marriage from time to time. 05:19 And we needed to learn through this experience. 05:23 How to develop restraint. How to cultivate that restraint. 05:26 And even as a mother with the children when they were young 05:29 I can remember going to this store, and you'd see these 05:32 corkboard boxes out- front, you know. Of course Id knew 05:35 what there were in there. Right? 05:36 Kittens of course! And you know they're free! And I would 05:38 take the children up and they go: "Oh mommy! Mommy! 05:41 Can I get one of these?" 05:43 And I would say: "No, not today!" 05:45 "It's not going to be good for us to take a kitty home today!" 05:48 And I never said: "I want a cat! It's your father!" 05:51 "You've got to convince your dad that he needs to get you a cat." 05:55 That is undermining you and your desires and wishes in the home. 06:00 And so, it was interesting the first time our children ever 06:03 learned, and they were all teenagers. 06:05 That I wanted a cat and you didn't want a cat in the home. 06:08 Was when they heard us talking about respect and restraint. 06:11 Yes! -Because many wives get what they want. 06:15 They use the children 06:17 as a cover-up for their personal desires. 06:20 That's right! And daddy comes home from work 06:22 and the children meet him at the door: "Daddy!" 06:24 "Look what we got today!" 06:26 "And where is mother hiding?" 06:27 Well she's usually vacated to the kitchen, 06:30 or in the back bedroom, or out the back door! 06:32 She doesn't want to face him! 06:33 Because she knows she hasn't really respected his 06:37 leadership, his authority, his desires. 06:39 And she hasn't been willing to be restraint herself. 06:43 And so, the children get brought in. And they become a tool. 06:46 That begins to divide the home. 06:50 Well, I appreciated the way you handled that. 06:54 I didn't even know some of this was going on with these 06:56 little boxes of kitties and the children learnt to read and said 06:59 "Oh, they're free! These are free! Can we get these?" 07:02 But, I appreciated the restraint that you were developing there. 07:07 In wanting to honor me as a husband. 07:11 And I think we both agree that it was better that we 07:14 didn't have pets with the kind of schedule we had at that time. 07:18 That's right! 07:19 So, let's talk about the definition 07:24 for Restraint! 07:26 Because, one of the blessings that we've learned 07:28 there's many words that we use in our vocabulary and 07:31 many times we don't have the understanding. 07:33 What we've done in our marriage is we've gone back and we've 07:36 looked at some of this key terms 07:39 like this one today "restraint". Let's talk about that. 07:43 And let's define the word in the first person. 07:46 This has always been official not somebody else out there. 07:50 Ok, it means that if I restrain myself 07:52 I will hold back or hinder any action, any word, any passion, 07:59 that is going to be harmful to you, or to any other. 08:03 I'm going to be able to be restrained now, I can't do that 08:06 in myself. I've tried that. Have you ever tried to restraint 08:09 a passionate word? A word of irritation? 08:13 Bite the tongue? 08:16 We can try to bite the tongue, or we can bite our tongue. 08:19 But we can't change our countenance. 08:21 We really can't. If it's not in our hearts we 08:24 can force ourselves not to say something or bite the tongue 08:27 but if it's not in our hearts, if we're not really surrendered 08:31 than we're not going to be able to control the countenance. 08:33 That's right! That's why we have to ask God to change us 08:36 from within. And there've been many times He has done that. 08:39 I mean, I can feel this certain irritation. 08:42 And when I recognize the feelings and I know each one 08:45 of you out there knows what I'm talking about. 08:47 There's a physical manifestation a physical feeling 08:50 that you feel, starting to come up inside of you. 08:54 And that is an unrestraint me, an unrestraint self. 08:58 And when those feelings come, the physical manifestation 09:02 that's a call that God wants to change what's happening 09:06 inside, that we can respond to the out world circumstances, we 09:10 can respond to the conversation in a different way. We can 09:14 be restraint. God can give us something better to speak 09:17 that will change the direction of our communication, change 09:21 the direction of the out come. 09:23 And keep the home a happier place. 09:24 And our Marriage Heart to Heart. 09:26 That's right! And we can look at this restraint in terms of 09:30 1 Corinthians 13. - Absolutely! 09:32 Because it says there that we should not be easily provoked 09:35 Well, our humanity is easily provoked! 09:39 Our natural response is provocation when self is crossed 09:43 But if we are allowing ourselves to be in Christ, 09:46 to be surrendered to Him, 09:48 than we don't have to be provoked by the things that 09:51 create misunderstandings. 09:53 And it says there, in defining restraint that "it does not 09:56 behave itself in unseemly way. 10:00 We don't have to flare up in these.. in our irritation. 10:06 That can be restraint and governed by Christ. I think 10:09 the problem, and I know for us and the problem with many of you 10:12 is: we cannot do this in ourselves! 10:15 We cannot restraint ourselves! That's why we try 10:18 to bite our tongues or grit our teeth. 10:20 We try hard but we need Jesus Christ! 10:24 To restraint us! To put a watch on our mouth. 10:27 And it's only as we're willing to surrender to Him 10:29 and if that will take place, 10:31 for our marriage! 10:33 That's right! So restraint, companions respect 10:37 and the more my respect grows for you 10:40 the more willing I am to be restraint of the Lord. 10:43 Not just our passions but even sometimes my wants or my desires 10:47 or my... you know, these things. 10:49 Be restraint in order to make a harmonious marriage. 10:52 And that's what we really want God to do in our lives. 10:56 And that's what we saw our great need in this area because 11:00 we were failing. Because we didn't have respect & restraint. 11:04 That's right! 11:05 We loved each other and I believe this is what a lot of 11:07 you are facing. 11:09 That you really love each other, you have a basis of love in 11:13 your marriage. But you haven't learned the importance of 11:17 true respect and restraint in the marriage! And God 11:20 Wants to give us that! 11:22 He does! And it's in the little things of every day. 11:25 Yes! -It's in the little things that He calls to us to restraint 11:29 in myself, to restraint even the thoughts that I have 11:33 to not think those thoughts, to restraint what I want 11:37 to do at the moment that can be just off-the-cuff. 11:40 You know, just I go do this! And loose my focus for the day. 11:44 We need to develop that restraint in Him! And in the 11:47 little things of every day as where we practice it because 11:50 it's amazing how many little irruptions a couple can 11:53 experience through a day! In minor issues. 11:58 That's right! -And when we find Christ is the key and we 12:01 recognize our great need then we don't have those 12:04 little irruptions anymore! 12:07 That's right! 12:08 Well, we want to talk about the two areas that we discussed 12:11 last time we were together. 12:13 About how we develop respect and this goes hand in hand 12:17 with how we cultivate restraint. 12:20 So, let's talk about the first one. 12:23 Cultivating the spirit of kindness! 12:27 That's a very important! And Ephesians 4:32 says: 12:30 "Be kind, one to another!" 12:34 And last time we were together we were talking about how 12:36 important it is that it's not just kindness to 12:38 everybody else out there. 12:40 But how we're developing and cultivating that kindness here. 12:45 So, we're going to share with you 12:47 a couple of simple illustrations about how we have been 12:51 cultivating this restraint in our own marriage. 12:55 Cultivating the restraint through the tool of kindness 12:58 in the home. - That's right! 13:00 Yes! You probably remember not that long ago, 13:04 I came down to your desk one day, 13:08 That's in our bedroom where your office is. 13:10 Your office is there just on the other side of our bed there. 13:15 And Id said to you: "Honey, what would you like 13:18 for dinner today?" 13:20 And it was in my heart! I wanted to do something special 13:23 for you! But what you didn't know is that just before I 13:27 came down the stairs to your office, 13:30 I had realized that we need to be eating in 30 minutes. 13:35 And I had given it no thought. And so I thought: "Well Ill 13:40 just come down and ask you 13:42 what you wanted" - That was kind of you! 13:44 Yes! I was thinking about you 'cause I needed ideas! 13:46 Now, here's the interesting thing. Do you remember what 13:48 happened that day? 'Cause often Ive asked you what you 13:50 want. And usually you said: "Oh, I don't care, whatever 13:53 you want to fix!" - Yes! As I remember, you didn't 13:55 really give me the opportunity to tell you what I wanted. 13:59 No, you didn't! 14:01 And that's what the Lord Brought to me. 14:04 As soon as I asked you the question before I even gave you 14:06 a chance to respond I said to you: 14:09 "How about granola, toast and fruit? How does that sound?" 14:14 "Fine! I like granola!" 14:17 "I like fruit, I like toast!" So.. 14:19 I wasn't upset! - Not at all! 14:21 And I felt like my mission was accomplished! I felt like now. 14:25 And I had direction! And I had an answer! 14:27 And that I was pleasing you! And that was not your idea at all! 14:30 And that's the funny thing! 14:31 And specially since you could get that thing done easily. 14:34 That's right! - In 30 minutes! 14:35 And less than that! Right? 14:37 So, as I was walking back up the stairs to the kitchen 14:41 The Lord reminded me: "cultivate kindness!" 14:44 I wasn't restraint! I asked you a question, and before 14:48 I even gave you a chance to answer, 14:50 I filled in! 14:52 I got you to agree with me! And now, I did my own thing! 14:55 And it really struck me! I mean, you know, sometimes it's this 14:59 moments of silence when the Spirit calls to our hearts 15:02 that gentle still small voice. 15:04 "You aren't restraint!" 15:07 I wasn't restraint! I wasn't cultivating kindness! 15:09 I really wasn't thinking about you! So at that moment 15:12 as soon as I recognized it, on my way up to stairs, 15:15 I said: "Ok! Lord give me a better idea!" And by the time 15:18 I got to the kitchen,which isn't very far away, cause we have a 15:21 small home. I had a whole new menu planned! 15:25 Home made pizza, a nice salad, gourmet vegetables. 15:30 And you couldnt even smell it cooking. 15:32 That's right! 15:35 In that time that it took me to do that 15:38 I found such joy! And this is what I really want to emphasize 15:42 to our viewers today. When we are willing to be restraint 15:47 we find that God Gives us joy and doing things maybe 15:50 we wouldn't have wanted to do! 15:52 Or had no desire to do! 15:53 But when we're willing to be restraint and choose to do 15:58 a better way something that would be kind or thoughtful 16:02 toward our spouse, we find that inner joy! And that's 16:05 what happened that day! 16:06 I found the joy of cooking that meal for you. 16:09 I even sat the table nice, had candles, flowers on the table, 16:13 I went and turned the music on and I called you: 16:16 "Come to dinner dear!" 16:18 Oh, it was wonderful coming to the table! 16:21 But I think we're going to pause right there! 16:23 And you're going to find out the surprises that I found 16:26 when I came to the table, 16:29 that afternoon. Stay with us! 16:36 There are many "How to?" books available, 16:38 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 16:41 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 16:45 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted, 16:48 easy-to-read manner, for those contemplating marriage, 16:51 newlyweds, couples in their golden years, 16:54 and everyone in-between. Simply call or write for your 16:57 free copy of this amazing little booklet, a handy little tool 17:01 to help build a better marriage. 17:09 Welcome back! Where we've been talking about 17:11 Cultivating Restraint! 17:13 Now, you're waiting to find out my reaction when I go upstairs, 17:18 I've been called to the meal and I'm thinking that I'm going up 17:23 to granola, fruit and toast. 17:26 And I would've been happy with that! Wouldn't I dear? 17:29 Always easy to please! 17:32 But what a delight! I didn't just go up to granola, fruit, 17:37 and toast. When I got to the top of the stairs 17:40 I smelled the pizza! 17:45 I heard the music playing. And I saw the candles on the table. 17:52 Quite a difference, wasn't it dear? In my reaction? 17:55 Oh yes! That wasn't my motivation! 17:59 My motivation was to do something nice for you. 18:01 Well, you were cultivating kindness! 18:04 You were thinking about yourself there, at first 18:07 weren't you? Getting things done quick. - Oh yes! Just about me! 18:09 That's right! And easy! - Quick and easy! 18:12 But when I got there and saw what my wife had done for me, 18:16 just that simple kindness! 18:18 Do you think that had an impact on me? 18:21 I have to tell you, that if it would have been granola, 18:24 fruit and toast, the meal would have been over pretty quick. 18:29 And I would've been back to what I needed to do! 18:32 But with the candles on the table and with the nice 18:34 music playing and with the delightful meal 18:37 that you provided and that romantic atmosphere, 18:42 we lingered at the table. And when the meal was over 18:47 we enjoyed some real nice communication time together. 18:51 It was very nice! And it's so neat to see how God can change 18:55 something so small into something so grand. 18:59 That's right! 19:00 And I just want to encourage you, it's not the big things! 19:04 You don't have to plan some great event, 19:08 to show some kindness! 19:11 to your wife or to your husband. 19:13 It's the simple things! You can take a simple activity 19:17 of the day and just by being thoughtful as Alane was to me 19:20 in that situation, you can be cultivating kindness! Which 19:24 is really a restraint of the natural selfish nature! 19:30 So let's talk about the second area that we challenged! 19:34 In developing respect! Also now how it affects and how 19:37 we bring it into cultivating restraint. 19:40 That's right! "- Be determined!" 19:42 It's a big word! - All inclusive! 19:44 "Be determined never to injure your spouse!" the other person. 19:50 "By your words, your actions, your expression, 19:53 your countenance, your reaction" 19:56 "Be determined!" 19:59 I remember the day that we got a phone-call from a couple 20:02 that was really in a crisis. 20:05 And as they were sharing with us, really the only time that 20:09 they could talk to us and they really had a need 20:13 was during our special family time. 20:16 And as you know, we could be on the phone all the time. 20:19 In the work that we do in this ministry. 20:22 And so, we guard that family time, specially 20:26 And so, they said: "could we just have a little bit of that 20:31 family time?" Do you remember that situation? 20:33 Oh yes! 20:35 And so, we talked about it and we talked about the need that 20:39 they had and we agreed that we would get back with them 20:42 and they could call us in the evening during our family time. 20:46 We also agreed that we would try to keep it short! 20:49 Do you remember that? - Yes! 20:51 And so, we could go back to what we had planned for 20:55 that evening! 20:57 Well, that phone call came in! 21:00 And it was beautiful because we work together, Alane and I 21:03 we love to work together in this ministry! And with our family. 21:07 It's a family ministry and it's been a blessing to be able 21:11 to share not just my perspective but your perspective in these 21:14 difficult circumstances. And so we shared with this couple. 21:18 We were able to give them some principles and some 21:20 practical application. 21:21 And I thought we're done! That's it! We've accomplished it! 21:26 And I was ready to get off the phone and you can remember 21:28 you know, I was kind of closing it out and 21:32 You did a good job at closing it down dear! 21:34 You weren't quite ready yet though, right? 21:35 Well I thought at something else I wanted to say that 21:38 we hadn't talked about but after I heard your conversation 21:41 I thought, you know: "This would probably be encouraging" 21:44 and then give some directions, so I wanted to keep sharing 21:48 a little longer! - That's right! 21:50 Well I just gracefully boot out if the conversation and 21:53 my dear wife continued on and I have to remember I'm down 21:57 on my desk, downstairs in our bedroom. 22:01 She's upstairs in the little ministry office upstairs 22:05 out of living room, so 22:08 as you were continuing talking, I was making my way to come up 22:13 to where you were. 22:15 And here's what I was thinking about doing: 22:18 I was just gonna give a simple signal, I was gonna go 22:21 up to stairs, get to the top of the stairs and when I 22:24 got my wifes attention, 22:26 You know how you do that! Just look at her and.. 22:29 and when I got her attention I was just gonna give her 22:32 the signal! 22:36 Remember that dear? - Yes! Oh yes I remember! 22:39 You've used that a few times, haven't you? 22:42 So I came to the top of the stairs. We had made 22:44 this agreement: I came to the top of the stairs and 22:46 I got your attention. 22:48 But before I got there, 22:50 A lot of things happened on our stairs, don't they? 22:52 Yes! 22:53 That moment is a good time! - Is a good place! 22:57 And from the bottom of the stairs to the top of the stairs 23:01 The Lord had called to my heart! One those simple promptings 23:04 to my heart, no audible voice. 23:07 Lord was calling to me that I could have restraint! 23:13 I didn't have to give the "cut" sign! 23:18 Here's the thought The Lord put in my heart: 23:21 "When you get to the top of the stairs, 23:23 when you get your wifes attention just smile!" 23:28 "Just smile!" 23:30 So between the bottom of the stairs and the top of the stairs 23:33 I had surrendered to The Lord and I had allowed Him to change 23:36 my heart! Change my agenda and what happened when I 23:40 caught your attention at the top of the stairs? 23:43 Well, I sensed you looking at me! So I turned around 23:46 'cause obviously my back was to the stairs, the top 23:49 of the stairs where you come up. And as I turned around 23:51 and looked at you, I really expecting to get this. 23:55 So I was a little hesitated not to turn around right away. 23:58 I was looking at you! - I knew you were looking at me! 24:01 So, when I turned around and I saw you smiling 24:05 it just totally melted my heart. Because I knew it was 24:08 from within. It was one of these pasted on! 24:13 I've seen those smiles: "Ok, we're going to do it!" 24:15 "We're going to be happy about it!" you know. 24:18 It wasn't one of those! It was so genuine! It was 24:20 just like: "You're free to talk as long as you want to talk" 24:25 And I knew that you were thinking about me. 24:29 You didn't hurt me. You didn't want to hurt my feelings or 24:32 even potently that wouldn't had hurt my feelings 24:34 if you've said: "Cut!" 24:35 Because I knew that the most of the things have been covered 24:38 and we could talk later, another time. 24:41 But, you were determined not to even risk the potential 24:46 of a misunderstanding. 24:48 And that's what God wanted to do in your heart. And 24:51 that's what He wanted to do for us! 24:52 Because He wants us to develop that restraint, to cultivate 24:56 that restraint and be determined not to 24:58 injure the other person. 25:00 And so, I have to tell you I was so motivated to get 25:03 off the telephone! 25:04 'Cause I wanted to spend more time with you! 25:06 Because it just, it's like a magnet drawing to each other. 25:10 That's what it does! It's like that glue that adhesive 25:13 You now, let no man separate that glue, that we want to 25:16 be together. We want to be with each other, in each others 25:19 presence because it's peaceful, it's happy, it's joyful. 25:22 Yes! 25:23 And that's what we want each of you to experience. 25:27 It's not as though: Ok we understand all this and we do 25:31 it right all the time! But in our marriage which really 25:34 has become a Marriage Heart to Heart!, we have 25:38 come to understand this things. 25:40 And they're practical, they're real in our lives. 25:43 And the thing that's so beautiful about this is 25:45 that if we're willing to do this, 25:47 if we're willing to really have respect and 25:51 to cultivate restraint, it really reflex back on us. 25:55 The kindness that we share to one, that reflex back on us! 25:59 And I think what we wanna do now is bring a personal challenge 26:03 to you folks! 26:05 Because we want you to experience this kind of 26:09 respect, this kind of restraint in your marriage. 26:13 Honey do you wanna lead them into the personal challenge? 26:17 The next time you find yourself in the "me focus" 26:20 where the "me" wants to be expressed, 26:23 be willing to be restraint of God and look for a way to 26:26 change the focus and cultivate a kindness towards your spouse 26:31 and see the difference! 26:32 Not just in your relationship but even in your own heart! 26:36 That's right! And if we move out of the "me focus" 26:39 into the "us focus" which we've talked about before 26:41 then it will prepare us for the second area! 26:45 And that is that we are determined not to injure 26:49 the other person in our words, in our thoughts, 26:53 'Cause our thoughts lead to action and reactions. 26:56 even in our countenance that we will not injure the other person 27:01 The only way that's gonna happen is as we give ourselves to God! 27:04 And allow Him to work in us! 27:06 So I think it would be great if we prayed right now! 27:09 Let's bow our heads! 27:11 Father in Heaven we thank You for the opportunity to come 27:13 to You! You have the solution the Grace, the Power! 27:19 We need your Godly restraint in our marriages. 27:22 And I pray Father that we will so cooperate with You! 27:27 That You can change us into the people that we need to be! 27:31 In Jesus name we thank you! Amen! 27:36 We're going to be talking about establishing our roles 27:39 in marriage next time we get together! 27:42 We want you to have a Marriage Heart to Heart! 27:46 Join us! 28:25 Captions and subtitles by Christian Media Services |
Revised 2014-12-17