Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000005
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00:01 A promise
00:03 to love 00:06 in good times 00:08 and bad 00:12 for richer 00:14 or poorer 00:17 forsaking all others 00:18 as long as 00:21 you both shall live 00:25 MARRIAGE In God's Hands 00:28 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters 00:33 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart 00:34 We are Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:37 and we are looking forward to our time together 00:40 with you today, as we talk, about more principles, 00:43 for the marriage. 00:44 We hope you have your paper and pen with you as we are going 00:47 to look at two special ways to develop respect in your Marriage 00:52 Respect! 00:54 It's a big word! Isn't it? 00:55 A very big word! 00:56 And it's a big lack in many many homes today. 01:00 It was in our home and I think that, that's one of the reasons 01:04 why we had some of the problems with when first got married. 01:06 And it's something we've seen in many marriages 01:09 is the lack of respect! 01:10 And it's not a thing that we didn't really understand. 01:13 let's take us back to...well, two years into our marriage 01:17 and we were coming back from Wisconsin. 01:20 Remember that day? On the Illinois tollway? 01:22 Oh, yes! 01:23 We were coming back on the Illinois tollway and 01:25 any of you that have ever been on that tollway 01:29 on a Sunday afternoon when it seems like everyone 01:31 was going the same place we were going, 01:34 I was looking for a shortcut. 01:38 A shortcut. 01:40 What do you wives think about shortcuts? 01:43 [laughing] 01:44 Oh, we've gotten all kinds of responses, right? 01:48 Well, when you started cutting across those lanes of traffic 01:52 and you were in the far left lane, because you 01:54 have a determination to get where you're going 01:58 so the left lane is supposed to be the fast lane. 02:00 That's where you were. 02:01 Wasn't moving very fast that day! 02:02 No we weren't! 02:03 All the lanes were pretty much stopped! 02:05 And a little bit of go, 02:07 when you started working your way across those 02:08 five lanes of traffic and headed for that exit 02:11 I turned to you and I've said : "Honey 02:13 do you know where you're going?" 02:16 Now think about that, men, for a moment! 02:18 How could a wife ask a husband a question like that? 02:23 "Do you know where you're going ??" 02:26 And I know there are probably some ladies out there right now 02:29 that understand very well why my wife asked me that question. 02:33 You've had your experiences with shortcuts. 02:36 Well, there we were 02:37 I really 02:39 didn't know where I was going! 02:41 But, I knew I was going home! 02:43 And I wanted to get home as fast as I could! 02:46 So, I said to you : "Of course I know where I'm going!" 02:50 At that time in my experience, I wasn't really lying to you 02:53 because I was going home! 02:55 But at that time in my experience I certainly didn't 02:58 want to admit to you that I didn't know where I was going 03:01 on that shortcut! It was headed the right direction. 03:05 It was going the right direction, for sure! 03:07 Well, as we drove for quite a while on this new exit, 03:12 I suggested to you : 03:14 "Honey, maybe we should stop at a gas station and find out 03:18 where we are!" 03:20 Oh, friends! Stopping at a gas station! 03:24 That's like an admission of defeat isn't?? 03:27 Here...I'm supposed to stop at a gas station! 03:29 Because I don't know where I'm going! 03:31 So, fortunately at that point there were no gas stations! 03:34 We were past the gas stations, so.. 03:37 we didn't have to stop! 03:39 And I thought it that was a good opportunity to ask my wife 03:42 to get out the map! Because she's a great map reader. 03:44 So I asked her to get out the map! 03:47 And I got the map out! 03:49 And I started looking at the map for the area that we where in 03:53 in the greater Chicago area! 03:55 And I could not! As hard as I tried, I could not find 04:00 where we were on the map! I'd look at the streets 04:02 we would pass, and they were not on the map! 04:04 It was an old map and this was obviously a new developing area! 04:10 Ah!! 04:11 My chance! Ahaa! 04:13 To blame you!! 04:14 Of course!! 04:15 You know, isn't it sad? And we can laugh about this now, 04:18 it is not very funny if you're in this lack of respect 04:22 presently. But we can look back over 20 years ago and 04:25 we can laugh at this! 04:27 Because we are always prone to want to cast blame. 04:30 So my wife can't find this road on the map! 04:35 And so, now I'm going to blame my wife! 04:38 Well, I have to tell you, the Lord knows how to humble 04:41 a man's pride! 04:43 And, that's what He did! Because.. 04:45 as you recalled here that four-lane road went down to 04:49 a two-lane road with a line down the middle of it! 04:51 then it went down to just a black-top road with no line 04:54 down the middle of it. And it turned into a gravel road 04:57 and as we continued on ... 05:00 I hope it wasn't to your delight! 05:02 [both laughing] 05:03 But as we continued on we came to the end of the road. 05:06 And it was the end of my shortcut! 05:11 And it was a fence! 05:13 and a cornfield! This far and no farther! 05:16 And I can assure you that even 05:19 then my pride was not so bad that I was going to run down 05:22 that fence and go through that cornfield. So God begin to open 05:26 our eyes! 05:28 You see, I wasn't respecting you! 05:30 I wasn't respecting the fact that you were a great map-reader 05:36 you were great with your natural directions, 05:40 And the reason I didn't wanted to say anything to you 05:42 was because I knew for well if I said to you 05:44 "I want to take this shortcut!" 05:46 you would've probably said : "Honey, I think we'd better 05:49 stick on the tollway!" 05:51 And I didn't want to stay on the tollway! 05:53 I wanted to look for anything that would get me in the 05:56 right direction! And we'd move a little faster! 06:00 Well , it wasn't just your problem! 06:02 I mean, neither one of us really understood respect! 06:06 Or that we didn't have respect! I mean we respect each other 06:09 to a certain degree! 06:10 But, the deep respect for what's in the heart, 06:14 we didn't really understand! 06:16 And so, while you were blaming me 06:20 I was...not respecting you either. 06:24 And so I would respond with sarcasm! 06:27 And then when we ended in the cornfield, 06:31 I just wasn't going to say anything! 06:33 I mean, that's how I responded, this cold war started. 06:37 You know: "Ok! Here we are! He can figure it out from here!" 06:40 There is no love in that!! 06:41 Well, it was better than what it could have been! 06:45 You could have gone in the "I told you so!" And you know.. 06:48 But I was thankful that you didn't do that! 06:50 Yes, but I really didn't have respect in my heart for you! 06:53 I should've respected the fact that your only desire was 06:56 to get home earlier! And it's ok! It's a mistake! 06:59 And so, you could learn from that! 07:01 And you just don't take shortcuts anymore 07:03 unless you're confident in them! Right? 07:05 And we did learn from that! I learned from that! 07:07 It was a mutual experience that we learned in! 07:11 And, I don't mind stopping at gas stations anymore to ask 07:14 for directions! Do I? No! 07:15 And you don't even have to be asked to! Sometimes you 07:17 just going to pull in and say : Honey, go find out where we are. 07:22 You know, the lack of respect is a painful situation! 07:25 And if you find yourself in that right now, 07:28 in your marriage, it's not laughable! 07:31 We can laugh at it probably because it was back there, 07:34 in those years, you know, 20-plus years ago! 07:37 But part of the reason we can laugh at it now, 07:40 is because it's no longer a painful part of our experience. 07:43 Our love is alive! We have respect for each other! 07:47 And we just want to encourage you 07:50 in that respect today! How that we can develop respect! 07:54 You know, one of the things that I begin to recognize, 07:58 is that often, we husbands, and this is not a stereotype 08:03 but I tell you I've met a lot of men all over the world 08:05 as we do seminars and as we counsel, 08:08 a lot of times this characterizes men! 08:12 Men, and this was me, at this time in my experience, 08:16 we're often very slothful 08:18 in showing our appreciation, 08:21 for the wife that God has given us! And appreciating things, 08:24 that she's done for us! 08:27 Coupled with that slothfulness and lack of appreciation we have 08:30 very high expectations of what we expect from our wife. 08:35 And correspondingly very low expectations upon what we 08:40 need to be doing ourselves! 08:42 So there I was in our relationship together, 08:45 husband and wife, you were supposed to be my Eve! 08:50 Right? 08:52 Of course!! 08:53 This wonderful woman that is going to be all the things 08:55 that I need to do all the things for me, 08:59 It never occurred to me, friends that I should be anything 09:03 like Adam! [Alane is laughing] 09:07 It was that "me focus" showing up again! 09:10 Those perts of dominance would show themselves. 09:13 If I couldn't get my way! If I couldn't get my wife to do 09:17 what I wanted her to do! 09:20 It's terrible to say this but, I can always say it because 09:23 we're passed that aren't we Honey? In our marriage? 09:25 But it was terrible, if I couldn't get her to do my way, 09:30 I was so selfish, that I would remind her 09:34 of all things a Bible text! 09:37 Ephesians 5:22 09:39 "Wives submit yourselves under your own husbands!" 09:42 Now I left off : "...as unto the Lord!" 09:45 That is right! Now of course you can see why I left that off! 09:48 Because I wasn't talking about it in context of true submission 09:53 I was wanting her to submit herself! Now.. 09:57 I also knew what it said just a few verses down 10:00 there in Ephesians 5:25 10:02 "husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the Church" 10:07 and did what?? 10:08 Gave Himself! 10:11 I wasn't in that focus! I was in the selfish "me focus"! 10:15 I wanted you to do what I wanted you to do for me, now! 10:20 And that wasn't love! 10:22 That wasn't true respect! 10:24 It was an overbearing dominance! 10:27 And I wasn't expressing to you that love. 10:30 Now I understand that as I love you and give myself to you 10:35 the way Christ gives Himself to us as a people, 10:38 It makes it much more beautiful 10:42 and much easier 10:43 for you to submit yourself! 10:45 As unto the Lord! 10:47 That's right! 10:49 You know, the lack of respect, 10:52 now...we first had to identify where our weakness was and this 10:55 is very important! When you find yourselves, rather then just 10:59 going through one hurt after another hurt after another hurt, 11:03 identify what is lacking! Where the problem is! 11:06 We identified! We really don't respect each other the way 11:09 we should! And so, once we identified it! 11:12 Then we looked it up what is it mean to really respect?? 11:15 Because so often, we know words, we hear words 11:19 and we interpret them in a very superficial level. 11:22 So we went back! Remember when we went back and looked up 11:24 the word!? We wanted to find that word for you today. 11:27 By mister Webster, and then we are going to define that word 11:30 by 1 Corinthians 13. 11:32 "If I respect you, as I develop that respect, means I will 11:37 regard you with pleasure!" 11:39 We always put this in the first person. 11:41 What I will do! I will regard you with pleasure, I will look 11:45 favorably upon you! That would've changed the whole 11:49 atmosphere in the car that day, on the Illinois tollway or on 11:53 the exit, the shortcut! If I would've develop that respect 11:58 for you! Yes, because you would've been not just thinking 12:03 about, how is affecting you! - That's right! 12:05 - But how your response could affect me! 12:07 Let's look at it in 1 Corinthians 13! 12:10 This is love manifested through respect! 12:16 True respect is kind! 12:20 It's a pretty simple word. 12:23 But how many people really express kindness to the one 12:27 that they've given their life to? 12:28 Really express kindness? 12:30 True respect seeketh not her own! 12:33 It's not there in the "me focus"! 12:38 And true respect suffers long! 12:42 Or is that patience coming back again? 12:44 That's what we will experience if we are developing 12:48 true respect in marriage! 12:51 So then it's not a dominance in a marriage of one or the other. 12:55 It's not you are the dominant one or I am the dominant one. 12:59 And that's what causes conflict. 13:01 It's that we are blending with each other heart to heart! 13:05 Yes! 13:07 You know the "me focus" is always characterized. 13:11 And I like to use a kind of , I'd say "barometer" 13:15 If I am responding to you in a demanding way, 13:19 or an inconsiderate way, 13:21 if I'm being over-dominant or controlling, 13:26 that's not real respect! 13:28 And I know then if that's happening that I'm not 13:31 experiencing that real love of Christ! 13:34 that will give me respect! 13:37 That's a barometer to me, that I'm working 13:41 in the "me focus". 13:42 You know? And if we as a people, would just take a few moments, 13:47 sometimes to pause and think about where we're headed, 13:50 we'd recognize that we are not respecting the other 13:53 person. The "me focus" is always characterized by 13:57 selfish over dominance, controlling while the "us focus" 14:01 is always considerate of the other person. 14:05 How will this affect the other person? 14:07 How will this affect us in our marriage together? 14:11 And so, that is what we need to do when we develop respect. 14:15 It changes us from the "me focus" to the "us focus". 14:18 So, we're going to take a break now and when we come back, 14:22 we're going to be talking about two simple ways that we can 14:24 develop respect in our marriage! 14:32 There are many "How to?" books available, 14:34 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 14:37 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". Bible-based, 14:40 matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted, easy-to-read 14:45 manner, for those contemplating marriage, newlyweds, couples in 14:49 their golden years, and everyone 14:51 in-between. Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing little booklet, a handy 14:56 little tool to help build a 15:04 better marriage. Welcome back! We've been talking about 15:07 developing respect in our marriage. And we want to look at 15:10 two simple ways. Now, there are a lot more ways, many more ways 15:13 that we can begin to develop respect in the marriage. But we 15:16 want to just give you two simple things that you can begin to do 15:20 today, to make your marriage Heart to Heart! 15:23 The first one is: Cultivate a spirit of kindness! 15:28 That word "cultivate" is an important word there! 15:31 That means we need to be doing something! You know? 15:33 We got a beautiful garden at home! 15:36 And if we don't cultivate that garden, what happens? 15:40 It gets weedy! 15:42 So it takes more, doesn't it? So we need to cultivate 15:45 the spirit of kindness. 15:47 Ephesians 4:32 says: "Be ye kind, one to another!" 15:52 "Tender hearted." 15:56 I remember the day we were driving down the road together 15:59 in Montana, after they have returned the speed limit 16:02 to "reasonable and prudent". 16:04 Now, I know that there would be a lot of men out there that 16:07 would really like the speed limit in Montana in those days! 16:11 R&P! And when that 55 mile/hour speed limit came in years ago 16:16 that federally governed speed limit, Montana was not 16:19 happy with that. And they said that they would going to take 16:21 that away if that ever changes and go back to 16:25 reasonable and prudent. 16:27 And many of us rejoice the day that that speed limit returned. 16:30 Because when you entered Montana it said: 16:32 "Welcome to Montana!" 16:36 Speed limit:Reasonable and prudent Drive according to 16:43 conditions! Oh that was wonderful! To some people that 16:45 meant unlimited speed! Now it didn't mean that to me, did it, 16:49 Dear? No! 16:50 But I remember one day as we were driving to Kalispell. 16:54 We were driving along and I thought I was driving, what was 16:57 a very reasonable and prudent speed for the conditions 17:01 of the road and the beautiful day that we were driving. 17:04 But, that wasn't necessarily how you felt! 17:06 Well, I felt it was a little bit unreasonable. 17:10 Not too prudent! 17:11 Too fast for my comfort! 17:14 And so , I turned to you and I've said "Honey, would you 17:16 please slow down?" 17:18 Now, that was a very simple request. 17:22 But now, think about it men! At that moment, maybe I should 17:26 ask the ladies too! 17:27 At that moment how do you think that I responded? 17:30 Because now, I'm driving, and I'm driving what I think is very 17:33 reasonable and prudent. Well I can tell you that the 17:36 very first thought that came through my mind 17:39 and you can be sure that quite often those first thoughts 17:41 are not the best thoughts! But the very first thought 17:44 that came through my mind was: 17:46 "Who's driving??" 17:47 Or : "Just have faith!!" 17:52 - Yeah! 17:53 - "Hang on!" - "Pray!" 17:56 But those, you know, I recognize, and this is 17:59 some good news. And that is James 1:19 18:03 Is a beautiful verse that I knew for many many years 18:06 before I made it practical in my experience! 18:08 And it says: " Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak 18:14 and slow to wrath! " 18:16 Now, I realized, instantly that the Spirit was calling to me. 18:22 Because , "Who's driving?" was not the response that 18:25 God wanted me to give back to you! 18:27 it was to pause a moment and listen to "what saith my Lord" 18:31 concerning the matter? And I did that! 18:35 And so, my response back to you was a thought that 18:39 the Lord gave me in my mind. 18:41 And that was: when I'm with you, I'm going to drive 18:46 in a way that's comfortable for you! 18:48 So that you can enjoy the time with me! 18:51 When I'm alone, I can drive a speed that the Lord 18:56 and I are comfortable driving together! 18:58 That was Divine inspiration! 19:02 Better than "who's driving??" ? Yes! 19:05 Well, it communicated a message that you were doing it for me! 19:09 And that you were willing to cultivate that kindness for me. 19:13 Not just when I was with you in the car going along with you. 19:18 But , then when I'm at home, I knew that you would be 19:21 under the Lord's direction instead of under 19:23 your own direction. That gave me a lot of peace because 19:26 I could be just as nervous at home with you driving without me 19:32 As I would be if I was in the car! 19:35 So, I knew that God was working in your heart and that 19:38 you did that out of a desire to show me respect! 19:42 That you respected me and you wanted to demonstrate 19:44 that respect through this kindness. 19:46 Yes! And it's nice that , that's a simple way that I was 19:50 able to cultivate some kindness. 19:52 You know, true manliness, true godliness, true leadership 19:58 in a man is not being overdominant. 20:02 It is serving those best who we love most! 20:07 It's really looking to serve rather than to control. 20:13 I have to tell you though! men unfortunately or fortunately 20:16 depending on how we look at it. There's no more 20:17 reasonable and prudent in Montana! 20:19 Too many people abused that R & P! 20:25 So we're back to regular speed limits there but, that was 20:28 a nice opportunity to cultivate a little bit of kindness. 20:31 Yes! And really show me that you respected me! 20:34 It's interesting that more people are kinder to a stranger 20:40 than they are to the one they're married to! 20:43 Many couples, they speak so nicely to a stranger, so nicely 20:46 to their animals, so nicely to an acquaintance, 20:49 somebody at Church, oh, they're happy to see them! 20:51 But in their own home they speak with disrespect. 20:55 And the influence of that in the home is deadly! 20:59 Not only to the marriage but the influence that has 21:01 on the children. And we wonder why are young people by 21:05 the youth today, why there's no respect, 21:07 for leadership and authority? Is because it's not 21:10 being learned and seen! 21:11 And exemplified in the home! 21:14 That's right! 21:16 Let's talk about the second area! 21:19 And so , first we have "Cultivate kindness 21:22 to develop respect!" 21:24 The second area is: "To be determined never to injure 21:29 the other person!" 21:30 With our attitudes, with our words and even with our passions 21:36 Is that word "determined" again, that's an action word! 21:41 We need to be determined! There needs to be a commitment there. 21:44 To be determined and never to injure the other person! 21:48 You know, Proverbs 15:1 says : "A soft answer 21:53 turneth away wrath." 21:57 That's a pretty simple formula! 21:58 But it's not always easy to do! Is it? 22:02 Not at all!! 22:03 But I like this words: "Be determined 22:06 never to injure the other person!" because it shows choice 22:08 on my part. I have to make that choice to be determined. 22:13 And that can only be done as I'm willing to let Christ 22:15 work in my heart! 22:17 I remember that day that we met with the group of people 22:20 out in Glacier Park. Remember that morning we got there? 22:23 And we had your father with us. He just had a stroke 22:26 a little bit before that. And, anyway we went out there 22:29 and we were sitting down singing with the group of people 22:32 in that outdoor pavilion. 22:34 And, as we were sitting there I noticed that your father 22:38 you know, was kind of tucking himself in like he was cold. 22:40 And remember me turning to you? It was cool! 22:43 The Sun hasn't come over the mountain yet. 22:45 And I turned to you, and I said: "Honey would you please 22:48 bring dad's sweater for him out of the car!" 22:51 And I was happy to do it! 22:52 O Yes! You've always been good to do things like that 22:56 and you know, for me or for your father, and 22:58 it was in your heart! And so, you went back to the car 23:00 and came back, and not only did you bring it to your father 23:04 but you went the extra step and that was to help your father 23:07 to put the sweater on! 23:09 And I turned over, I was watching you help your dad 23:13 and as I looked at what happens I spoke this words: 23:17 "Nothing like having your son make a mess of things!" 23:21 I think I had put the sleeve over his head. 23:26 Instead of... Right! It looked pretty funny! - Yes! 23:29 Whatever it was, he was all twisted up in the sweater and 23:32 as I spoke those words, 23:36 even hearing myself say them, I felt bad! 23:40 Because I had injured you! 23:42 by my words! 23:44 I had belittled you and embarrassed you, not only to you 23:47 but to your own father! 23:49 I mean, that was degrading to him! This is his son! 23:51 Who's willingly trying to help him! And then I come off 23:55 with something like that! It was, I was shocked that 23:57 I even said it! I know we have to think before we speak! 24:00 But it wasn't in my heart! I wasn't thinking those kind 24:03 of thoughts about you! It just came so spontaneously! 24:07 And, It was, you know, hearing myself say it. 24:12 The Spirit brought conviction to my heart. That's how God 24:14 works, because He loves us! And He wants our marriages 24:18 to truly be Heart to Heart! He wants us to respect each other. 24:21 And I said: "O , I'm sorry I said that!" 24:24 "It's not right! Please forgive me!" 24:26 And I said it to you and to your father. 24:29 It had been so long since you had said something like that, 24:32 it was cutting and sarcastic that it didn't even affect me 24:37 the way that normally would have. 24:39 It had been so long! And I was thankful for that because 24:41 that's the other thing I think our listeners, the viewers need 24:44 to understand is : when we are in this situation 24:47 we don't have to respond the old way, we can 24:51 allow Christ to make that difference. And I did not 24:54 respond in the same spirit that you spoke to me! 24:58 And, it was restored! The relationship between us was 25:03 restored immediately. 25:06 But you know, I think it's important 25:08 Proverbs 18:21 says: "Death and life are in the power 25:13 of the tongue" 25:14 That's a pretty potent statement! 25:17 And that word Death is actually that is the word Death! 25:21 I looked it up, as I was studying this one day. 25:24 And we need to realize that we can set someone on a course 25:27 that's heart breaking and destructive or we can 25:31 speak words that are saver of life, on to life! 25:35 That's right! 25:36 And so we have to be determined! 25:39 Not to injure the other person! Not just by our words. 25:42 But even our reactions, our actions our expressions, 25:47 our passions. Be determined! - That's right! 25:51 So let's bring a personal challenge to the people. 25:54 The same one we brought to ourselves. - Exactly! 25:56 - Exactly! 25:58 If you want to cultivate a marriage that is Heart to Heart 26:01 begin to cultivate kindness today, before you go to bed 26:04 tonight! 26:05 Before you close this day, pray and think of at least one way 26:11 that you can demonstrate kindness to the one 26:15 that you love! 26:17 Only one way?? 26:19 Well, at least one way if they're getting started! - OK! 26:22 So we start where we are and we build on it right? -Yes! 26:25 So if we haven't done anything then we start with one or two 26:28 and then if we've been doing it, add to it! Because 26:31 that's how we begin to cultivate kindness and build respect 26:34 in a marriage! The second area we want to challenge you with 26:37 is to be determined never to injure your spouse 26:41 by your words, by your actions, your reactions, your passions. 26:47 - That's a big order! 26:50 And it can't be done without Christ! 26:52 Maybe this is a good time to make a commitment in a prayer. 26:56 You want to lead us in prayer honey? - Sure! 26:59 Father, we are grateful for what You want to do in our hearts 27:02 and in our homes and in our marriages! 27:05 Lord, we just pray that You would put it in us to cultivate 27:09 kindness! And to be determined never to injure our spouse! 27:14 I pray that we would develop the proper respect, 27:18 and that we can truly have a marriage that is Heart to Heart! 27:21 In Jesus' name : Amen! 27:23 - Amen! 27:26 A Marriage that's Heart to Heart! 27:29 - Yes! 27:30 We hope we'll see you next time, as we talk about 27:34 Cultivating Restraint! 27:36 It goes hand in hand with Developing Respect! 27:38 And we know that you want to have a Marriage Heart to Heart! 27:43 And Jesus can make that possible! 27:45 Marriage in God's Hands 28:25 Captioning and translations by Christian Media Services |
Revised 2014-12-17