A promise
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to love
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in good times
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and bad
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for richer
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or poorer
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forsaking all others
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as long as
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you both shall live
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MARRIAGE In God's Hands
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Marriage Heart to
Heart with Tom & Alane Waters
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Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart
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We are Tom & Alane Waters
with Restoration International
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and we are looking
forward to our time together
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with you today, as we
talk, about more principles,
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for the marriage.
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We hope you have your paper
and pen with you as we are going
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to look at two special ways to
develop respect in your Marriage
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Respect!
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It's a big word! Isn't it?
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A very big word!
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And it's a big lack
in many many homes today.
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It was in our home and I think
that, that's one of the reasons
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why we had some of the problems
with when first got married.
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And it's something
we've seen in many marriages
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is the lack of respect!
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And it's not a thing that
we didn't really understand.
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let's take us back to...well,
two years into our marriage
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and we were coming
back from Wisconsin.
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Remember that day?
On the Illinois tollway?
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Oh, yes!
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We were coming back on
the Illinois tollway and
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any of you that have
ever been on that tollway
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on a Sunday afternoon
when it seems like everyone
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was going the same
place we were going,
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I was looking for a shortcut.
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A shortcut.
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What do you wives
think about shortcuts?
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[laughing]
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Oh, we've gotten all
kinds of responses, right?
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Well, when you started cutting
across those lanes of traffic
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and you were in the
far left lane, because you
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have a determination
to get where you're going
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so the left lane is
supposed to be the fast lane.
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That's where you were.
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Wasn't moving
very fast that day!
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No we weren't!
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All the lanes were
pretty much stopped!
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And a little bit of go,
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when you started
working your way across those
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five lanes of traffic
and headed for that exit
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I turned to you
and I've said : "Honey
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do you know where you're going?"
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Now think about
that, men, for a moment!
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How could a wife ask a
husband a question like that?
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"Do you know
where you're going ??"
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And I know there are probably
some ladies out there right now
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that understand very well why
my wife asked me that question.
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You've had your
experiences with shortcuts.
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Well, there we were
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I really
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didn't know where I was going!
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But, I knew I was going home!
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And I wanted to get
home as fast as I could!
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So, I said to you : "Of
course I know where I'm going!"
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At that time in my experience,
I wasn't really lying to you
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because I was going home!
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But at that time in my
experience I certainly didn't
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want to admit to you that I
didn't know where I was going
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on that shortcut! It was
headed the right direction.
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It was going the
right direction, for sure!
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Well, as we drove for
quite a while on this new exit,
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I suggested to you :
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"Honey, maybe we should stop
at a gas station and find out
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where we are!"
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Oh, friends!
Stopping at a gas station!
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That's like an
admission of defeat isn't??
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Here...I'm supposed
to stop at a gas station!
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Because I don't
know where I'm going!
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So, fortunately at that point
there were no gas stations!
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We were past the
gas stations, so..
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we didn't have to stop!
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And I thought it that was a
good opportunity to ask my wife
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to get out the map! Because
she's a great map reader.
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So I asked her
to get out the map!
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And I got the map out!
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And I started looking at the map
for the area that we where in
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in the greater Chicago area!
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And I could not! As hard
as I tried, I could not find
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where we were on the
map! I'd look at the streets
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we would pass, and
they were not on the map!
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It was an old map and this was
obviously a new developing area!
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Ah!!
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My chance! Ahaa!
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To blame you!!
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Of course!!
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You know, isn't it sad? And
we can laugh about this now,
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it is not very funny if
you're in this lack of respect
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presently. But we can
look back over 20 years ago and
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we can laugh at this!
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Because we are always
prone to want to cast blame.
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So my wife can't
find this road on the map!
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And so, now I'm
going to blame my wife!
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Well, I have to tell you,
the Lord knows how to humble
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a man's pride!
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And, that's what
He did! Because..
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as you recalled here that
four-lane road went down to
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a two-lane road with a
line down the middle of it!
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then it went down to just
a black-top road with no line
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down the middle of it. And
it turned into a gravel road
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and as we continued on ...
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I hope it
wasn't to your delight!
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[both laughing]
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But as we continued on we
came to the end of the road.
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And it was the
end of my shortcut!
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And it was a fence!
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and a cornfield!
This far and no farther!
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And I can assure you that even
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then my pride was not so
bad that I was going to run down
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that fence and go through that
cornfield. So God begin to open
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our eyes!
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You see, I
wasn't respecting you!
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I wasn't respecting the fact
that you were a great map-reader
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you were great with
your natural directions,
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And the reason I didn't
wanted to say anything to you
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was because I knew
for well if I said to you
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"I want to take this shortcut!"
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you would've probably said
: "Honey, I think we'd better
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stick on the tollway!"
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And I didn't want
to stay on the tollway!
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I wanted to look for anything
that would get me in the
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right direction! And
we'd move a little faster!
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Well , it wasn't
just your problem!
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I mean, neither one of us
really understood respect!
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Or that we didn't have respect!
I mean we respect each other
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to a certain degree!
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But, the deep respect
for what's in the heart,
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we didn't really understand!
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And so, while
you were blaming me
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I was...not
respecting you either.
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And so I would
respond with sarcasm!
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And then when we
ended in the cornfield,
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I just wasn't
going to say anything!
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I mean, that's how I responded,
this cold war started.
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You know: "Ok! Here we are!
He can figure it out from here!"
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There is no love in that!!
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Well, it was better
than what it could have been!
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You could have gone in the
"I told you so!" And you know..
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But I was thankful
that you didn't do that!
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Yes, but I really didn't have
respect in my heart for you!
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I should've respected the
fact that your only desire was
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to get home earlier!
And it's ok! It's a mistake!
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And so, you
could learn from that!
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And you just don't
take shortcuts anymore
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unless you're
confident in them! Right?
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And we did learn from
that! I learned from that!
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It was a mutual
experience that we learned in!
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And, I don't mind stopping
at gas stations anymore to ask
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for directions! Do I? No!
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And you don't even have
to be asked to! Sometimes you
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just going to pull in and say :
Honey, go find out where we are.
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You know, the lack of
respect is a painful situation!
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And if you find
yourself in that right now,
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in your marriage,
it's not laughable!
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We can laugh at it probably
because it was back there,
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in those years, you
know, 20-plus years ago!
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But part of the reason
we can laugh at it now,
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is because it's no longer a
painful part of our experience.
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Our love is alive! We
have respect for each other!
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And we just
want to encourage you
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in that respect today! How
that we can develop respect!
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You know, one of the things
that I begin to recognize,
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is that often, we husbands,
and this is not a stereotype
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but I tell you I've met a
lot of men all over the world
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as we do seminars
and as we counsel,
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a lot of times
this characterizes men!
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Men, and this was me, at
this time in my experience,
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we're often very slothful
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in showing our appreciation,
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for the wife that God has given
us! And appreciating things,
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that she's done for us!
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Coupled with that slothfulness
and lack of appreciation we have
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very high expectations of
what we expect from our wife.
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And correspondingly very
low expectations upon what we
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need to be doing ourselves!
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So there I was in our
relationship together,
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husband and wife, you
were supposed to be my Eve!
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Right?
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Of course!!
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This wonderful woman that
is going to be all the things
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that I need to do
all the things for me,
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It never occurred to me, friends
that I should be anything
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like Adam! [Alane is laughing]
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It was that "me
focus" showing up again!
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Those perts of
dominance would show themselves.
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If I couldn't get my way!
If I couldn't get my wife to do
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what I wanted her to do!
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It's terrible to say this
but, I can always say it because
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we're passed that aren't
we Honey? In our marriage?
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But it was terrible, if I
couldn't get her to do my way,
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I was so selfish,
that I would remind her
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of all things a Bible text!
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Ephesians 5:22
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"Wives submit yourselves
under your own husbands!"
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Now I left off :
"...as unto the Lord!"
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That is right! Now of course
you can see why I left that off!
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Because I wasn't talking about
it in context of true submission
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I was wanting her to
submit herself! Now..
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I also knew what it
said just a few verses down
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there in Ephesians 5:25
00:10:00.59\00:10:02.72
"husbands love your wives
even as Christ loved the Church"
00:10:02.75\00:10:07.10
and did what??
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Gave Himself!
00:10:08.63\00:10:10.77
I wasn't in that focus! I
was in the selfish "me focus"!
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I wanted you to do what I
wanted you to do for me, now!
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And that wasn't love!
00:10:20.40\00:10:21.77
That wasn't true respect!
00:10:22.39\00:10:24.22
It was an overbearing dominance!
00:10:24.25\00:10:27.12
And I wasn't
expressing to you that love.
00:10:27.15\00:10:30.67
Now I understand that as I
love you and give myself to you
00:10:30.70\00:10:35.72
the way Christ gives
Himself to us as a people,
00:10:35.75\00:10:38.52
It makes it much more beautiful
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and much easier
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for you to submit yourself!
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As unto the Lord!
00:10:45.52\00:10:47.15
That's right!
00:10:47.66\00:10:49.06
You know, the lack of respect,
00:10:49.14\00:10:52.29
now...we first had to identify
where our weakness was and this
00:10:52.32\00:10:55.84
is very important! When you find
yourselves, rather then just
00:10:55.87\00:10:59.14
going through one hurt after
another hurt after another hurt,
00:10:59.17\00:11:03.14
identify what is
lacking! Where the problem is!
00:11:03.17\00:11:06.67
We identified! We really
don't respect each other the way
00:11:06.70\00:11:09.81
we should! And so,
once we identified it!
00:11:09.84\00:11:12.91
Then we looked it up what
is it mean to really respect??
00:11:12.94\00:11:15.44
Because so often, we
know words, we hear words
00:11:15.47\00:11:19.26
and we interpret them in
a very superficial level.
00:11:19.29\00:11:22.45
So we went back! Remember
when we went back and looked up
00:11:22.48\00:11:24.91
the word!? We wanted to
find that word for you today.
00:11:24.94\00:11:27.45
By mister Webster, and then
we are going to define that word
00:11:27.93\00:11:30.26
by 1 Corinthians 13.
00:11:30.29\00:11:31.72
"If I respect you, as I develop
that respect, means I will
00:11:32.65\00:11:37.23
regard you with pleasure!"
00:11:37.26\00:11:39.10
We always put this
in the first person.
00:11:39.13\00:11:41.28
What I will do! I will regard
you with pleasure, I will look
00:11:41.31\00:11:45.49
favorably upon you! That
would've changed the whole
00:11:45.52\00:11:49.66
atmosphere in the car that day,
on the Illinois tollway or on
00:11:49.69\00:11:53.56
the exit, the shortcut! If I
would've develop that respect
00:11:53.59\00:11:57.83
for you! Yes, because you
would've been not just thinking
00:11:58.98\00:12:02.69
about, how is
affecting you! - That's right!
00:12:03.42\00:12:05.11
- But how your
response could affect me!
00:12:05.14\00:12:07.62
Let's look at it
in 1 Corinthians 13!
00:12:07.65\00:12:10.85
This is love
manifested through respect!
00:12:10.88\00:12:14.98
True respect is kind!
00:12:16.01\00:12:18.60
It's a pretty simple word.
00:12:20.51\00:12:22.54
But how many people really
express kindness to the one
00:12:23.21\00:12:27.40
that they've
given their life to?
00:12:27.43\00:12:28.86
Really express kindness?
00:12:28.89\00:12:30.33
True respect
seeketh not her own!
00:12:30.81\00:12:33.86
It's not there
in the "me focus"!
00:12:33.89\00:12:37.25
And true respect suffers long!
00:12:38.83\00:12:41.35
Or is that
patience coming back again?
00:12:42.13\00:12:43.99
That's what we will
experience if we are developing
00:12:44.02\00:12:48.52
true respect in marriage!
00:12:48.55\00:12:50.43
So then it's not a dominance in
a marriage of one or the other.
00:12:51.00\00:12:55.79
It's not you are the dominant
one or I am the dominant one.
00:12:55.82\00:12:59.27
And that's what causes conflict.
00:12:59.30\00:13:01.57
It's that we are blending
with each other heart to heart!
00:13:01.60\00:13:05.57
Yes!
00:13:05.60\00:13:06.64
You know the "me focus"
is always characterized.
00:13:07.42\00:13:11.16
And I like to use a
kind of , I'd say "barometer"
00:13:11.19\00:13:14.30
If I am responding to
you in a demanding way,
00:13:15.23\00:13:19.70
or an inconsiderate way,
00:13:19.73\00:13:21.83
if I'm being
over-dominant or controlling,
00:13:21.86\00:13:25.56
that's not real respect!
00:13:26.43\00:13:27.62
And I know then if
that's happening that I'm not
00:13:28.00\00:13:31.13
experiencing that
real love of Christ!
00:13:31.16\00:13:34.93
that will give me respect!
00:13:34.96\00:13:37.31
That's a barometer
to me, that I'm working
00:13:37.34\00:13:40.09
in the "me focus".
00:13:41.34\00:13:42.80
You know? And if we as a people,
would just take a few moments,
00:13:42.83\00:13:47.33
sometimes to pause and
think about where we're headed,
00:13:47.36\00:13:50.59
we'd recognize that we
are not respecting the other
00:13:50.62\00:13:53.66
person. The "me focus"
is always characterized by
00:13:53.69\00:13:57.43
selfish over dominance,
controlling while the "us focus"
00:13:57.46\00:14:01.86
is always
considerate of the other person.
00:14:01.89\00:14:05.34
How will this
affect the other person?
00:14:05.37\00:14:07.19
How will this affect us
in our marriage together?
00:14:07.22\00:14:11.08
And so, that is what we need
to do when we develop respect.
00:14:11.81\00:14:15.41
It changes us from the
"me focus" to the "us focus".
00:14:15.44\00:14:18.92
So, we're going to take a
break now and when we come back,
00:14:18.95\00:14:22.02
we're going to be talking about
two simple ways that we can
00:14:22.05\00:14:24.61
develop respect in our marriage!
00:14:24.64\00:14:26.98
There are many "How
to?" books available,
00:14:32.61\00:14:34.42
but there's one that's free
and perfect for every couple:
00:14:34.45\00:14:37.65
how you can "Build a
Better Marriage". Bible-based,
00:14:37.68\00:14:40.12
matrimonial advice is given
in a lighthearted, easy-to-read
00:14:40.91\00:14:45.30
manner, for those contemplating
marriage, newlyweds, couples in
00:14:45.33\00:14:49.76
their golden years, and everyone
00:14:49.79\00:14:51.38
in-between. Simply call or write
for your free copy of this
amazing little booklet, a handy
00:14:51.41\00:14:56.73
little tool to help build a
00:14:56.76\00:14:58.63
better marriage. Welcome
back! We've been talking about
00:15:04.23\00:15:07.27
developing respect in our
marriage. And we want to look at
00:15:07.30\00:15:10.29
two simple ways. Now, there are
a lot more ways, many more ways
00:15:10.32\00:15:13.30
that we can begin to develop
respect in the marriage. But we
00:15:13.33\00:15:16.36
want to just give you two simple
things that you can begin to do
00:15:16.39\00:15:20.18
today, to make your
marriage Heart to Heart!
00:15:20.21\00:15:22.20
The first one is:
Cultivate a spirit of kindness!
00:15:23.00\00:15:27.74
That word "cultivate"
is an important word there!
00:15:28.66\00:15:30.67
That means we need to be
doing something! You know?
00:15:31.33\00:15:33.90
We got a
beautiful garden at home!
00:15:33.93\00:15:36.33
And if we don't cultivate
that garden, what happens?
00:15:36.71\00:15:40.42
It gets weedy!
00:15:40.45\00:15:41.73
So it takes more, doesn't
it? So we need to cultivate
00:15:42.40\00:15:45.63
the spirit of kindness.
00:15:45.66\00:15:46.93
Ephesians 4:32 says: "Be
ye kind, one to another!"
00:15:47.59\00:15:52.68
"Tender hearted."
00:15:52.71\00:15:54.82
I remember the day we were
driving down the road together
00:15:56.18\00:15:59.59
in Montana, after they
have returned the speed limit
00:15:59.62\00:16:01.97
to "reasonable and prudent".
00:16:02.00\00:16:03.27
Now, I know that there would
be a lot of men out there that
00:16:04.15\00:16:07.15
would really like the speed
limit in Montana in those days!
00:16:07.18\00:16:10.42
R&P! And when that 55 mile/hour
speed limit came in years ago
00:16:11.48\00:16:16.47
that federally governed
speed limit, Montana was not
00:16:16.50\00:16:19.03
happy with that. And they said
that they would going to take
00:16:19.06\00:16:21.44
that away if that
ever changes and go back to
00:16:21.47\00:16:25.02
reasonable and prudent.
00:16:25.05\00:16:26.76
And many of us rejoice the day
that that speed limit returned.
00:16:27.37\00:16:30.70
Because when you
entered Montana it said:
00:16:30.73\00:16:32.87
"Welcome to Montana!"
00:16:32.90\00:16:35.27
Speed limit:Reasonable
and prudent Drive according to
00:16:36.86\00:16:42.96
conditions! Oh that was
wonderful! To some people that
00:16:43.55\00:16:45.61
meant unlimited speed! Now it
didn't mean that to me, did it,
00:16:45.65\00:16:49.26
Dear? No!
00:16:49.30\00:16:50.27
But I remember one day as
we were driving to Kalispell.
00:16:50.28\00:16:53.77
We were driving along and I
thought I was driving, what was
00:16:54.60\00:16:57.61
a very reasonable and
prudent speed for the conditions
00:16:57.64\00:17:01.03
of the road and the beautiful
day that we were driving.
00:17:01.06\00:17:03.94
But, that wasn't
necessarily how you felt!
00:17:04.46\00:17:06.69
Well, I felt it was a
little bit unreasonable.
00:17:06.72\00:17:10.13
Not too prudent!
00:17:10.16\00:17:11.69
Too fast for my comfort!
00:17:11.72\00:17:14.38
And so , I turned to you
and I've said "Honey, would you
00:17:14.41\00:17:16.88
please slow down?"
00:17:16.91\00:17:18.20
Now, that was a
very simple request.
00:17:18.89\00:17:21.23
But now, think about it men!
At that moment, maybe I should
00:17:22.03\00:17:26.21
ask the ladies too!
00:17:26.24\00:17:27.59
At that moment how do
you think that I responded?
00:17:27.62\00:17:30.25
Because now, I'm driving, and
I'm driving what I think is very
00:17:30.28\00:17:33.52
reasonable and prudent.
Well I can tell you that the
00:17:33.55\00:17:36.21
very first thought
that came through my mind
00:17:36.24\00:17:39.16
and you can be sure that
quite often those first thoughts
00:17:39.19\00:17:41.80
are not the best thoughts!
But the very first thought
00:17:41.83\00:17:44.41
that came through my mind was:
00:17:44.44\00:17:45.80
"Who's driving??"
00:17:46.46\00:17:47.53
Or : "Just have faith!!"
00:17:47.56\00:17:52.64
- Yeah!
00:17:52.67\00:17:53.78
- "Hang on!" - "Pray!"
00:17:53.81\00:17:56.08
But those, you know,
I recognize, and this is
00:17:56.11\00:17:59.16
some good news.
And that is James 1:19
00:17:59.19\00:18:03.20
Is a beautiful verse that
I knew for many many years
00:18:03.23\00:18:06.26
before I made it
practical in my experience!
00:18:06.29\00:18:08.32
And it says: " Let every man
be swift to hear, slow to speak
00:18:08.77\00:18:14.07
and slow to wrath! "
00:18:14.10\00:18:16.01
Now, I realized, instantly that
the Spirit was calling to me.
00:18:16.79\00:18:22.30
Because , "Who's driving?"
was not the response that
00:18:22.33\00:18:25.32
God wanted me to
give back to you!
00:18:25.35\00:18:27.07
it was to pause a moment and
listen to "what saith my Lord"
00:18:27.79\00:18:31.78
concerning the
matter? And I did that!
00:18:31.81\00:18:34.18
And so, my response back
to you was a thought that
00:18:35.15\00:18:39.06
the Lord gave me in my mind.
00:18:39.09\00:18:41.33
And that was: when I'm
with you, I'm going to drive
00:18:41.36\00:18:46.00
in a way that's
comfortable for you!
00:18:46.03\00:18:48.45
So that you can
enjoy the time with me!
00:18:48.48\00:18:51.12
When I'm alone, I can
drive a speed that the Lord
00:18:51.66\00:18:56.02
and I are
comfortable driving together!
00:18:56.05\00:18:58.31
That was Divine inspiration!
00:18:58.86\00:19:01.88
Better than
"who's driving??" ? Yes!
00:19:02.49\00:19:04.61
Well, it communicated a message
that you were doing it for me!
00:19:05.45\00:19:09.50
And that you were willing to
cultivate that kindness for me.
00:19:09.53\00:19:13.20
Not just when I was with you
in the car going along with you.
00:19:13.23\00:19:18.46
But , then when I'm at
home, I knew that you would be
00:19:18.49\00:19:21.73
under the Lord's
direction instead of under
00:19:21.76\00:19:23.74
your own direction. That
gave me a lot of peace because
00:19:23.77\00:19:26.71
I could be just as nervous at
home with you driving without me
00:19:26.74\00:19:31.30
As I would be if
I was in the car!
00:19:32.51\00:19:35.12
So, I knew that God was
working in your heart and that
00:19:35.55\00:19:38.56
you did that out of a
desire to show me respect!
00:19:38.59\00:19:42.24
That you respected me
and you wanted to demonstrate
00:19:42.27\00:19:44.80
that respect
through this kindness.
00:19:44.83\00:19:46.56
Yes! And it's nice that ,
that's a simple way that I was
00:19:46.59\00:19:49.99
able to cultivate some kindness.
00:19:50.02\00:19:51.72
You know, true manliness,
true godliness, true leadership
00:19:52.20\00:19:58.36
in a man is not
being overdominant.
00:19:58.39\00:20:02.61
It is serving those
best who we love most!
00:20:02.64\00:20:07.69
It's really looking to
serve rather than to control.
00:20:07.72\00:20:11.69
I have to tell you though!
men unfortunately or fortunately
00:20:13.02\00:20:16.06
depending on how we
look at it. There's no more
00:20:16.16\00:20:17.95
reasonable and
prudent in Montana!
00:20:17.98\00:20:19.91
Too many people
abused that R & P!
00:20:19.94\00:20:24.52
So we're back to regular
speed limits there but, that was
00:20:25.11\00:20:28.93
a nice opportunity to cultivate
a little bit of kindness.
00:20:28.96\00:20:31.49
Yes! And really show
me that you respected me!
00:20:31.52\00:20:34.38
It's interesting that more
people are kinder to a stranger
00:20:34.41\00:20:40.23
than they are to the
one they're married to!
00:20:40.27\00:20:43.05
Many couples, they speak so
nicely to a stranger, so nicely
00:20:43.60\00:20:46.95
to their animals, so
nicely to an acquaintance,
00:20:46.98\00:20:49.57
somebody at Church, oh,
they're happy to see them!
00:20:49.60\00:20:51.91
But in their own home
they speak with disrespect.
00:20:51.94\00:20:55.35
And the influence of
that in the home is deadly!
00:20:55.38\00:20:59.20
Not only to the marriage
but the influence that has
00:20:59.23\00:21:01.56
on the children. And we
wonder why are young people by
00:21:01.59\00:21:05.14
the youth today,
why there's no respect,
00:21:05.17\00:21:07.67
for leadership and
authority? Is because it's not
00:21:07.70\00:21:10.12
being learned and seen!
00:21:10.15\00:21:11.84
And exemplified in the home!
00:21:11.87\00:21:14.02
That's right!
00:21:14.05\00:21:15.02
Let's talk
about the second area!
00:21:16.03\00:21:18.90
And so , first we
have "Cultivate kindness
00:21:19.59\00:21:21.90
to develop respect!"
00:21:22.33\00:21:23.79
The second area is: "To
be determined never to injure
00:21:24.72\00:21:29.32
the other person!"
00:21:29.35\00:21:30.88
With our attitudes, with our
words and even with our passions
00:21:30.91\00:21:36.87
Is that word "determined"
again, that's an action word!
00:21:36.90\00:21:41.00
We need to be determined! There
needs to be a commitment there.
00:21:41.03\00:21:44.64
To be determined and never
to injure the other person!
00:21:44.67\00:21:47.95
You know, Proverbs
15:1 says : "A soft answer
00:21:48.95\00:21:53.69
turneth away wrath."
00:21:53.72\00:21:55.62
That's a pretty simple formula!
00:21:57.02\00:21:58.61
But it's not
always easy to do! Is it?
00:21:58.64\00:22:01.12
Not at all!!
00:22:02.81\00:22:03.78
But I like this
words: "Be determined
00:22:03.79\00:22:06.01
never to injure the other
person!" because it shows choice
00:22:06.04\00:22:08.78
on my part. I have to make
that choice to be determined.
00:22:08.81\00:22:13.30
And that can only be done
as I'm willing to let Christ
00:22:13.33\00:22:15.87
work in my heart!
00:22:15.90\00:22:16.99
I remember that day that we
met with the group of people
00:22:17.84\00:22:20.79
out in Glacier Park. Remember
that morning we got there?
00:22:20.82\00:22:23.35
And we had your father
with us. He just had a stroke
00:22:23.38\00:22:26.18
a little bit before that.
And, anyway we went out there
00:22:26.21\00:22:29.67
and we were sitting down
singing with the group of people
00:22:29.70\00:22:32.56
in that outdoor pavilion.
00:22:32.59\00:22:34.08
And, as we were sitting
there I noticed that your father
00:22:34.61\00:22:38.07
you know, was kind of tucking
himself in like he was cold.
00:22:38.10\00:22:40.77
And remember me
turning to you? It was cool!
00:22:40.80\00:22:43.41
The Sun hasn't come
over the mountain yet.
00:22:43.44\00:22:45.27
And I turned to you, and I
said: "Honey would you please
00:22:45.30\00:22:48.05
bring dad's sweater
for him out of the car!"
00:22:48.08\00:22:50.72
And I was happy to do it!
00:22:51.66\00:22:52.82
O Yes! You've always been
good to do things like that
00:22:52.85\00:22:56.59
and you know, for me
or for your father, and
00:22:56.62\00:22:58.58
it was in your heart! And
so, you went back to the car
00:22:58.61\00:23:00.94
and came back, and not only
did you bring it to your father
00:23:00.97\00:23:04.17
but you went the extra step
and that was to help your father
00:23:04.20\00:23:07.54
to put the sweater on!
00:23:07.57\00:23:08.98
And I turned over, I was
watching you help your dad
00:23:09.55\00:23:13.44
and as I looked at what
happens I spoke this words:
00:23:13.47\00:23:17.31
"Nothing like having your
son make a mess of things!"
00:23:17.34\00:23:20.85
I think I had put
the sleeve over his head.
00:23:21.94\00:23:26.17
Instead of... Right! It
looked pretty funny! - Yes!
00:23:26.20\00:23:29.83
Whatever it was, he was all
twisted up in the sweater and
00:23:29.86\00:23:32.27
as I spoke those words,
00:23:32.30\00:23:35.38
even hearing myself
say them, I felt bad!
00:23:36.71\00:23:40.06
Because I had injured you!
00:23:40.82\00:23:42.92
by my words!
00:23:42.95\00:23:44.46
I had belittled you and
embarrassed you, not only to you
00:23:44.49\00:23:47.58
but to your own father!
00:23:47.61\00:23:49.04
I mean, that was degrading
to him! This is his son!
00:23:49.07\00:23:51.61
Who's willingly trying to
help him! And then I come off
00:23:51.64\00:23:54.97
with something like that!
It was, I was shocked that
00:23:55.00\00:23:57.41
I even said it! I know we
have to think before we speak!
00:23:57.44\00:24:00.93
But it wasn't in my heart!
I wasn't thinking those kind
00:24:00.96\00:24:03.10
of thoughts about you! It
just came so spontaneously!
00:24:03.13\00:24:07.19
And, It was, you
know, hearing myself say it.
00:24:07.22\00:24:11.88
The Spirit brought conviction
to my heart. That's how God
00:24:12.47\00:24:14.92
works, because He loves
us! And He wants our marriages
00:24:14.95\00:24:18.14
to truly be Heart to Heart! He
wants us to respect each other.
00:24:18.17\00:24:21.03
And I said: "O ,
I'm sorry I said that!"
00:24:21.55\00:24:23.88
"It's not right!
Please forgive me!"
00:24:24.73\00:24:26.74
And I said it to
you and to your father.
00:24:26.77\00:24:29.35
It had been so long since you
had said something like that,
00:24:29.38\00:24:32.21
it was cutting and sarcastic
that it didn't even affect me
00:24:32.24\00:24:37.52
the way that
normally would have.
00:24:37.55\00:24:39.25
It had been so long! And I
was thankful for that because
00:24:39.64\00:24:41.93
that's the other thing I think
our listeners, the viewers need
00:24:41.96\00:24:44.23
to understand is : when
we are in this situation
00:24:44.26\00:24:47.73
we don't have to
respond the old way, we can
00:24:47.76\00:24:51.40
allow Christ to make
that difference. And I did not
00:24:51.43\00:24:54.69
respond in the same
spirit that you spoke to me!
00:24:54.72\00:24:58.29
And, it was restored! The
relationship between us was
00:24:58.86\00:25:03.92
restored immediately.
00:25:03.95\00:25:05.43
But you know, I
think it's important
00:25:06.21\00:25:08.05
Proverbs 18:21 says:
"Death and life are in the power
00:25:08.08\00:25:13.08
of the tongue"
00:25:13.11\00:25:14.18
That's a pretty
potent statement!
00:25:14.68\00:25:16.41
And that word Death is
actually that is the word Death!
00:25:17.27\00:25:21.56
I looked it up, as I
was studying this one day.
00:25:21.59\00:25:24.42
And we need to realize that
we can set someone on a course
00:25:24.45\00:25:27.79
that's heart breaking
and destructive or we can
00:25:27.82\00:25:31.85
speak words that are
saver of life, on to life!
00:25:31.88\00:25:35.14
That's right!
00:25:35.17\00:25:36.68
And so we have to be determined!
00:25:36.71\00:25:38.91
Not to injure the other
person! Not just by our words.
00:25:39.55\00:25:42.96
But even our reactions,
our actions our expressions,
00:25:42.99\00:25:47.62
our passions. Be
determined! - That's right!
00:25:47.65\00:25:50.70
So let's bring a personal
challenge to the people.
00:25:51.33\00:25:54.05
The same one we brought
to ourselves. - Exactly!
00:25:54.08\00:25:56.48
- Exactly!
00:25:56.51\00:25:57.53
If you want to cultivate a
marriage that is Heart to Heart
00:25:58.95\00:26:01.46
begin to cultivate kindness
today, before you go to bed
00:26:01.49\00:26:04.80
tonight!
00:26:04.83\00:26:05.94
Before you close this day, pray
and think of at least one way
00:26:05.97\00:26:11.75
that you can
demonstrate kindness to the one
00:26:11.78\00:26:15.42
that you love!
00:26:15.45\00:26:16.45
Only one way??
00:26:17.49\00:26:18.62
Well, at least one way if
they're getting started! - OK!
00:26:19.25\00:26:22.45
So we start where we are
and we build on it right? -Yes!
00:26:22.48\00:26:25.48
So if we haven't done anything
then we start with one or two
00:26:25.51\00:26:28.20
and then if we've been
doing it, add to it! Because
00:26:28.23\00:26:31.32
that's how we begin to cultivate
kindness and build respect
00:26:31.35\00:26:34.91
in a marriage! The second area
we want to challenge you with
00:26:34.94\00:26:37.57
is to be determined
never to injure your spouse
00:26:37.60\00:26:41.23
by your words, by your actions,
your reactions, your passions.
00:26:41.26\00:26:46.81
- That's a big order!
00:26:47.80\00:26:49.79
And it can't be
done without Christ!
00:26:50.64\00:26:52.15
Maybe this is a good time to
make a commitment in a prayer.
00:26:52.96\00:26:56.19
You want to lead us
in prayer honey? - Sure!
00:26:56.22\00:26:58.21
Father, we are grateful for what
You want to do in our hearts
00:26:59.61\00:27:02.92
and in our homes
and in our marriages!
00:27:02.95\00:27:05.02
Lord, we just pray that You
would put it in us to cultivate
00:27:05.95\00:27:09.76
kindness! And to be determined
never to injure our spouse!
00:27:09.79\00:27:13.86
I pray that we would
develop the proper respect,
00:27:14.97\00:27:17.79
and that we can truly have a
marriage that is Heart to Heart!
00:27:18.57\00:27:21.83
In Jesus' name : Amen!
00:27:21.86\00:27:23.67
- Amen!
00:27:23.70\00:27:24.94
A Marriage
that's Heart to Heart!
00:27:26.72\00:27:29.05
- Yes!
00:27:29.19\00:27:30.46
We hope we'll see you
next time, as we talk about
00:27:30.79\00:27:34.16
Cultivating Restraint!
00:27:34.19\00:27:36.08
It goes hand in hand
with Developing Respect!
00:27:36.11\00:27:38.93
And we know that you want to
have a Marriage Heart to Heart!
00:27:38.96\00:27:42.72
And Jesus can
make that possible!
00:27:43.21\00:27:45.14
Marriage in God's Hands
00:27:45.17\00:27:50.68
Captioning and translations
by Christian Media Services
00:28:25.63\00:28:29.83