Participants: Tom Waters, Alane Waters
Series Code: MGH
Program Code: MGH000004
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00:01 A promise
00:03 to love 00:06 in good times 00:07 and bad 00:12 for richer 00:14 or poorer 00:16 forsaking all others 00:19 as long as 00:20 you both shall live 00:26 MARRIAGE In God's Hands 00:28 Marriage Heart to Heart with Tom & Alane Waters 00:33 Welcome to Marriage Heart to Heart 00:35 We are Tom & Alane Waters with Restoration International 00:40 We are going to be continuing today in our series 00:42 talking about life changing principles 00:45 principles that can change our marriages, 00:48 that can make us have marriages that are heart to heart! 00:53 So we hope you have your paper and pen, 00:54 because today we are going to look at 00:56 what is true love! 00:57 Many people don't even know what true love really is... 01:01 Yes! 01:02 In fact, we should ask the question 01:04 Where do we get our ideas of what true love is 01:09 You know, probably one of the most important places 01:12 is through our parents! 01:14 Hopefully, our parents 01:16 have given us an example of what true love is! 01:21 So there are first role models then, right? 01:23 That is right! 01:24 So the challenge for us would be as parents ourselves 01:27 to recognize that we are demonstrating 01:30 and teaching our children what true love is 01:33 So we better know that we really understand it 01:35 That is right! 01:37 It puts us in an important position. 01:38 Unfortunately many, many young people today 01:41 are finding their role models 01:46 on television 01:48 the DVD's 01:49 the videos 01:50 the movies 01:52 Hollywood's version of love. 01:55 And it is not a very good version 01:57 Yes, I think a lot of people, young or old are finding that 02:01 there and that is what causes them to be discontent in their 02:05 marriage! Because it is not this romantic scene 02:08 that the women dreams of, or 02:10 she is not the knock-out that the man is hopeful for. 02:14 Yes, unfortunately 02:16 a lot of people are buying in to this advertisements. 02:18 You know, 02:19 Find love in the Bahamas! 02:23 That is not really where we are going to find it. 02:24 We find love where we choose to find love, right? 02:27 That is right! 02:28 So we are influenced by the things around us, 02:31 where we... how we define love. 02:33 even the things we read: the magazines, the books, 02:37 the novels. 02:38 I mean, we travel a lot 02:41 and it is very common, 02:42 Half the women have some novel in their hands 02:45 and all has to do with love. 02:46 They are searching for 02:47 what is love. 02:49 They are looking for that 02:51 in their experience. 02:52 And, are we really going to find true love there? 02:57 You know, even in the music 02:58 that we listen to. 03:01 Music can be very seductive, very sensual, 03:05 even immoral and passionate. 03:08 And, that is not where people are going to find love. 03:11 And yet music has a powerful influence 03:14 on peoples minds. 03:17 It seems like everything around us influences us, 03:20 all those outside sources, influence us. 03:23 And so much is being expressed in this area of love 03:27 I mean, it is a very common topic today! 03:31 Like you said: through music, magazines, books, TV, radio 03:34 it is everywhere, signs, billboards 03:37 advertisements, 03:38 even in friendships! 03:41 Even in friendships, those influence us! 03:43 where is true love? 03:44 I remember one couple of friends that we knew 03:47 and, they said: Oh! We wife-swap! 03:50 That's what we do... 03:52 - Shocking! - It is shocking! 03:54 Because that is how we know how to love the other person. 03:57 I love him better because.. 03:58 It is scary when we think of 04:01 where those influences are leading us. 04:05 And those influences often lead us away 04:08 from what true love is! 04:10 And want us to think that it is this romantic ecstasy! 04:14 Yes, and sadly we are living in a time 04:17 in this earth's history 04:19 as we speak 04:21 where 04:22 a gay community 04:25 can refer 04:28 to love 04:29 as something that God in His Word refers to 04:32 as an abomination! 04:34 And that is where we are in this Earth's history! 04:36 And what has become in years and times past 04:41 completely unacceptable! 04:43 By beholding 04:45 we, as a people, as a nation 04:48 by beholding, we become changed! 04:51 And so, it is scary as you said Alane, 04:52 It is scary because 04:55 where are people gaining their understanding of what love is, 04:58 when they enter into a marriage 05:01 So maybe we need to make it very clear that: when we talk about 05:04 a marriage, we are talking about male and female union. 05:08 Absolutely. 05:09 We are not talking about the same sex marriages! 05:11 We are talking about what the Bible describes 05:13 as the union between man and women. 05:17 And really when we go back to the Bible, 05:19 God is the Creator of all. 05:21 He's the Creator of love, He's the Creator of marriage. 05:24 He's the Author of the Word and it is in his Word 05:28 that we need to find the true basis of love! 05:32 the true definition of love. 05:33 And we have talked about it already in this series. 05:37 Yes, 1st Corinthians 13 05:39 and if you got your Bibles 05:41 you can turn with us there to 1 Corinthians 13 05:44 because we are going to refer to this, many times. 05:46 It is the real basis 05:48 for true love. 05:49 Et is the most inclusive 05:52 it is the most clear definition, 05:56 in the pattern that God has given us of what love really is. 06:00 You know we shared earlier, Honey 06:02 a previous program about our first year and some of the 06:06 struggles we went through and how 06:07 we were wanting to start right and so we started reading 06:10 1st Corinthians 13 06:11 but after a few month 06:13 and the painful experience we were having 06:15 we sat the book aside 06:18 because it was hurtful to read it because we were 06:21 not experiencing that. 06:22 And I am thankful to say now that I love to read 06:25 that chapter. 06:26 And it does not 06:27 help me to see you 06:30 and what you are not doing. 06:31 It helps me to see what God wants me to do 06:33 to make our marriage work. 06:35 and to make it happy! 06:36 and to make that love fulfilling for both of us 06:38 in the marriage. 06:39 So we want to look at 1 Corinthians 13 06:41 and we are going to take 06:43 each of those very familiar little segments 06:45 and we want to describe them 06:47 and illustrate them 06:48 and how they work in the day-to-day. 06:50 Because it is by taking the scripture 06:53 and making it practical 06:55 that works in our real life situation, 06:58 It helps un to understand 06:59 what true love is! 07:00 So if we look there, it says : love suffers long! 07:04 That means love is patient. 07:07 And I can remember when we first married and I'd said : 07:09 "Honey would you mind taking the trash out?" 07:11 "Oh, sure!"- you were very willing! Remember that? 07:13 Oh yes! you were so willing. 07:14 Always "yes!" It was never: "no, I do not want to" 07:17 but... 07:19 you would forget 07:20 And so... that was OK. 07:22 One track mind 07:23 You do not mean that one track mind 07:26 And so , then I would set it by the back door 07:28 "Honey, would you mind taking the trash out 07:30 when you are going to work?", "you know, 07:31 just put it in the trash can in the garage " 07:33 "Oh, fine!" you know? 07:35 And I come out into the kitchen a little while later 07:37 and it is still by the back door. 07:39 And so , love is patient! 07:42 That was not for you, but for me 07:45 because, that used to irritate me. 07:48 "I just asked him! he agreed, he is willing 07:50 and it is still there. 07:51 "What is wrong??" 07:53 And, you know, the Lord helped me to see 07:55 you do not always remember everything either. 07:58 So, before we chew up on the other person 08:00 let's let God work in our hearts. 08:03 and help us to be patient. 08:04 So now Honey if I ask you take the trash out 08:06 and you forget 08:07 it is no problem to me. 08:10 because I am learning what real love is, 08:11 to be long suffering, and that is just one example. 08:13 It happens in many things through the marriage. 08:16 That is right , and the beauty of it is 08:19 when we have that kind of love. And that is a simple example. 08:23 But, by you not responding to me the way that you did 08:27 early on, it is actually an incentive for me to make a 08:31 greater effort on how I take care 08:34 of the trash and not let myself get pretty occupied 08:36 with something else. 08:38 That is right! 08:39 So it is not that is your duty to take the trash out, 08:42 but this is just a simple example. 08:43 It says : love is kind! 08:45 Often times you'll say something like this to me: 08:47 "Honey, I'd like you to just go and relax 08:51 and I'll do the dishes for you!" 08:52 I know , when you would say that to me, 08:55 it is coming from your heart because 08:56 it is in your heart to be kind to me. 08:59 Not because I want you to be 09:01 not because I am forcing you to be, 09:03 or demanding that you must be. 09:05 It is because you want to be and I know that, 09:07 I sense that in the words that you express to me. 09:11 and often times I will say: 09:13 "Well Honey, let me at least drive, rather be with you 09:17 then sitting over there on the couch all by myself resting" 09:19 And there are times I rest too, but that is an example 09:22 of how love is kind and it is demonstrated. 09:24 Love begets love! 09:28 When you sense in me the real motive the desire 09:30 that I have in my heart to give you 09:32 a little rest or whatever 09:34 that tenderness, that then actually makes you want to 09:37 spend more time whit me. 09:39 Always. 09:40 It works great! Yes it does! 09:42 Also: Love envy it not! 09:45 Now, that's an interesting one, because I think 09:48 most of us do not think that we are envious people. 09:52 That we are jealous of other people. 09:53 But you know, I found that 09:57 we still have a problem in this area. 10:00 I remember, Honey when we were first married 10:03 and God has blessed you with a very talented voice 10:08 and I love to hear you sing. 10:09 and you would go over to your friend's house, 10:13 the quartet would meet there and the pianist would come 10:16 And you would sing and practice your music, getting ready for 10:19 a program, a concert. 10:21 And I wanted to be a part of that so much with you, 10:25 that I started to be jealous that I could not sing. 10:28 At least sing nicely the way I thought or perceived 10:32 would have to be good enough 10:33 to sing with you. 10:35 And I started to find myself becoming envious of that 10:39 and 10:40 I did not like how I felt 10:42 and the more I thought about it, the better you sang and the 10:45 worst I didn't sing. 10:47 That makes sense? 10:48 But, anyway 10:49 I found myself just... it was starting to divide 10:54 my heart from you. 10:55 instead of appreciating that in you. 10:57 And, so, I by the Grace of God, I've surrendered that. 11:00 and there is nothing that I envy. 11:04 Isn't that wonderful now? that we can sing together! 11:06 Yes! 11:07 The whole family can sing together! 11:09 That is right! 11:10 That if the Lord wants, He does it that way but with you letting 11:13 go of those things, and the Lord puts things together 11:16 in a different way. 11:17 Well, there are a few other things. 11:21 True love vaunteth not itself 11:23 does not put itself forward 11:25 it is not puffed up, it is not proud and boastful, 11:29 it does not behave itself in an unseemly manner 11:32 and it seeketh not 11:36 its own... 11:37 That is a lot! 11:39 So they all kind of go together. 11:42 You know, I used to be 11:44 the life of the party! 11:46 And I never understood this 11:47 you know, when we were first married 11:50 I was the life of the party and I was always out there 11:53 it was me living 11:56 my self-focused 11:57 you know: "I am going to do it my way!" 12:01 And I was then fitting you in 12:02 trying to fit you in 12:04 to my lifestyle. 12:06 And I did not understand it that time 12:09 how inconsiderate I was being, of you. 12:12 You know? I was doing all these things. This was not true love! 12:16 I was putting myself forward. 12:19 I was not really behaving myself, 12:22 in the right manner. 12:24 And if you didn't fit into that 12:27 I wasn't very happy with you 12:29 and 12:30 that is not the case anymore, is it? 12:32 No, not at all! 12:33 You do not just get fit into my life. 12:35 You are the most important person to me on this Earth! 12:39 And I know it! 12:41 And that makes a huge difference, does not it? 12:42 It does! 12:43 You know, I can remember more than a few times going 12:46 to a party, with your friends, or a get-together, 12:49 even a Church social 12:50 and, you know, I knew how you were - there, and I wanted 12:55 some of that with me. 12:58 And it used to really heart my feelings because you could be so 13:01 quiet, going there. 13:03 And all of a sudden, I could watch you enter in to that home 13:08 or that setting 13:10 it is like you came alive! 13:12 and 13:13 it really, you know, I felt dead! 13:16 When you came alive! 13:17 Because I wanted you to be alive with me! 13:19 ...So, that is what it's talking about not vaunting itself, 13:22 or being puffed up or seeking it's own. 13:25 And I have done the same thing. 13:26 You know, maybe women do it in a different way 13:29 Because, you know, when we have our husband alone 13:32 we cherish that time 13:35 and so, maybe there is other ways that we do it, 13:37 but all of us, have this same weakness 13:39 to some degree or other, so we have to ask God to help us 13:43 know how to 13:44 understand it 13:46 that we can change through His power. 13:48 Love is not easily provoked 13:52 That is a big one! 13:54 I have failed so many times in this area! 13:57 But is not the Lord good? 13:59 And so are you 14:01 To forgive me! 14:03 But the Lord takes those things and he turns those defeats 14:06 into victories, if we're willing and desirous of having 14:09 a marriage that is Heart to Heart. 14:11 And, friends if we will give ourselves 14:16 to God, and give ourselves to the one God has given us, 14:19 we can learn these things, we can learn this love. 14:23 Don't do what we did! 14:27 After we read that 31 versions, 14:30 for a while we gave up on it, because it was not working. 14:34 And the problem was that we were not working. 14:36 We were not cooperating with God, we were not giving 14:39 ourselves to God and to each other. 14:41 So, don't give up if you find yourself in a situation! 14:45 because we used to get provoked of each other and 14:48 we are not having that experience, because 14:52 it does not have to be that way! 14:53 That is right! 14:54 When I provoked you, 14:57 or when I was provoked, it let the other one 15:01 to a similar response 15:02 And so, again it would be something so minuscule 15:06 and the next thing you know we are in a - you know 15:09 pretty intense conversation, let us put it kindly. 15:13 So, love is not easily provoked, you know, when we began 15:17 to learn patience and kindness 15:20 and we are not wanting to puff ourselves up, those things 15:24 automatically start decreasing our tendency to be provoked! 15:27 And I remember being in someone's home once, and my 15:31 heart just went out. I mean, this lady had made a beautiful 15:34 meal for us! You remember that? - I remember that! 15:36 She had sat the table, I mean, it was gorgeous 15:39 It looked like we were in some exotic restaurant. 15:41 And, she called us all to the meal. The husband was out in the 15:45 living-room talking with us and she called us out to the meal. 15:48 And he looked at the table, and I don't remember 15:51 what she'd done wrong, I couldn't see anything wrong 15:53 with the table! But, it is like: 15:56 he corrected her! "How come you did not do this??" 15:58 And "How come you didn't make that??" 16:00 And he was provoked by just looking at the table. 16:04 And that was in front of us. 16:05 So, he was easily provoked! 16:08 which began to make a big influence in her! 16:12 That is right! 16:13 And it was hurtful for her, 16:14 and you could see the countenance change. 16:16 Well, you can see, friends, that we are talking about 16:20 maybe some new ways of looking at 1st Corinthians 13! 16:23 And when we come back from the break, stay with us because 16:26 we are going to continue on here, defining what 16:28 true love really is! 16:37 There are many "How to?" books available, 16:39 but there's one that's free and perfect for every couple: 16:42 how you can "Build a Better Marriage". 16:45 Bible-based, matrimonial advice is given in a lighthearted, 16:48 easy-to-read manner, 16:50 for those contemplating marriage newlyweds, couples in their 16:54 golden years, and everyone in-between. 16:56 Simply call or write for your free copy of this amazing 17:00 little booklet, a handy little tool to help build a better 17:11 marriage. Welcome back! To "What true love is!" 17:14 We were talking about 1 Corinth. 13 and bringing that out 17:19 in a very practical and powerful way. 17:23 True love , think it No evil! 17:26 Now, thinketh no evil?? Remember that time that we borrowed 17:31 Bernard's truck? 17:32 Oh, Yes! I remember! 17:35 And you really were not to happy with me, borrowing that truck, 17:37 because, why? 17:38 Usually, whenever either of us borrowed something it seemed 17:42 to get broken somehow! 17:44 Well, I was so careful with that truck, but there it was coming 17:49 in the driveway with that loaded lumber 17:51 and you were coming in right behind me 17:54 and that lumber sled out and bent the tailgate 17:58 and before you had a chance to say anything to me, 18:02 I was out of the truck telling you: "I know what you are 18:06 thinking!" 18:08 I was completely wrong at what you were thinking! 18:11 You were! 18:12 And I am thankful that you did not entered into the spirit 18:15 that I had! Because, I was thinking evil 18:19 about you! 18:22 And all you were doing was praying for me, 18:25 feeling bad, because of what it happened, 18:28 to Bernard's tailgate on it's truck! 18:32 Love think it no evil! 18:34 And I am so thankful that as we have been willing 18:37 to experience the love of Christ, that we don't have 18:42 that kind of experience in our marriage anymore! 18:45 That doesn't mean that we do not have problems! 18:47 We just want to encourage you, friends that no matter where you 18:51 find yourself, we can have a Marriage Heart to Heart, 18:54 that is demonstrating the true love of Christ, 18:57 as we allow Him to work in us! 18:59 To will and to do of his good pleasure! 19:02 True love does not rejoice in iniquity! 19:05 It rejoices in the truth! 19:07 I used to be critical of you! 19:09 And now, I do not have those kind of feelings toward you. 19:13 I remember I used to come home and be critical of something 19:17 was wrong or something didn't get done. 19:19 But as God begin to work in our hearts, 19:22 giving us that deeper love, I come home, 19:26 and you'd be working with the children and I could tell 19:28 something was not going right in the home-school, 19:30 and rather than becoming critical, 19:33 I want to encourage you! 19:34 Because: True love does not rejoice when you have a problem! 19:39 It rejoices in the truth! It rejoices in what you can be! 19:42 It rejoices in being able to encourage you and lift you up! 19:46 Rather than to condemn you. 19:48 And I have seen the difference in that. And then it provides us 19:52 secure environment. So I can come to you now and tell you: 19:56 This is what I did wrong! 19:57 Or : This is what I said to the children! 19:59 whatever. And I can come to you and trust you with my failures, 20:04 and share with you, what the Lord has done to change me 20:08 in that moment. Or you can get me encouraged what I can do 20:12 to change to be a better person. 20:13 So, this love truly is not something we can manufacture. 20:18 It is from God! 20:19 And , we talked about this before. 20:22 That: Love bears all things! 20:25 That means every misunderstanding, 20:27 love will bear! 20:28 Because it is God's love work in our heart! 20:30 It believes all things! I can believe in you! You know, when 20:33 I stopped being disappointed that you weren't who and what 20:43 you became the man I wanted! 20:45 A lot of it had to do with my own attitude, my own thoughts. 20:48 And so, as we believe in the other person, believe the best 20:53 and they will try to be the best! 20:54 Love believes all things! Love hopes all things! 20:59 And : Love endures all things! 21:03 We were talking before about that. 21:05 Enduring commitment! Love does endure all things! 21:09 That means that we'll go through these difficulties together! 21:12 That is right! 21:13 Love endures all things! 21:15 And the good news, the best news is that : Love never fails! 21:23 Love never fails! 21:25 Jesus won't fail us! And even know we can fail each other, 21:28 our love does not have to fail! 21:30 That is right! And we can learn from our failures. And we have! 21:33 That's what's encouraging about a marriage that's heart to heart 21:36 We can learn from our failures! When we fall we can rise up 21:40 in the Lord Jesus. We can repent, confess, move forward! 21:45 Strengthening that bond of love! 21:47 And not holding the other person in the past. 21:50 Not leaving that person! "...you did that last week"... 21:54 "you said that yesterday" 21:55 and "...you did it again today"! 21:57 But, Love changes that. 22:00 God's love. And it creates an atmosphere that is nurturing 22:05 to grow that relationship, 22:07 more and more. 22:08 That's right! 22:10 This kind of love can not exist in the "me focus"! 22:14 We have talked about the "me focus" versus the "us focus" 22:18 This kind of love grows as we're willing to move to the 22:22 "us focus"! 22:23 You know, sometimes people think, and I used to think this: 22:27 If I can just get this off my chest! 22:32 If I can just say it! 22:33 If I can just tell my wife, what I really think! 22:37 Then you are going to be happy! Right? 22:38 I'll be a happy boy! 22:41 Never works! 22:42 It does not work for either of us! 22:43 It is one of the lies of devil, friends! Its is one of the lies: 22:47 If I can just get this out! No! 22:50 It never works! 22:52 And so, the "me focus" 22:55 never brings happiness, but only misery! 22:58 And, this love, this true love that God wants to give us, 23:02 Is a love that never fails!! 23:06 That is right! And we have seen the difference in our home. 23:09 Because, now that we have learned to "get it out" 23:12 What I think. What I feel. 23:14 Just to get it out, doesn't really make me any happier and 23:17 certainly does not make you happy! 23:19 We have made that commitment in our marriage that : 23:21 the only way that that's really going to be gotten out 23:26 and that was properly, is to have God take it out of us! 23:29 And to change what I am going to say to you. 23:32 So no longer do we have yelling or intensity or 23:36 condemnation, I mean this aggressive communication 23:43 in the home. 23:44 And it has provided such a 23:47 happy loving environment. It doesn't mean we always agree. 23:51 It doesn't mean I see things the way you always see them! 23:54 But we do not have to go into one of this matches. 23:58 So, did God just kind of waved this magic wand over us? 24:01 And sprinkle some dust down on us? And we were just 24:03 wonderfully changed? 24:04 Well, if it was that easy, we would all be perfect Christians! 24:08 Wouldn't we? We would all have perfect homes and perfect 24:11 marriages, and we would live happily ever after! 24:13 That's not how it works, because it comes by myself by you and 24:19 by everyone of you there! Making the choice yourself! 24:22 What will you allow God to do in your heart! 24:24 So we have to surrender! 24:25 Exactly! 24:28 And it is a hard thing to surrender! 24:29 Yes! Because you don't feel like it at the moment! At the moment 24:31 we don't want to surrender!It's because everything inside of us 24:35 is crying out: I want to say this! I want to do this! 24:38 I want to feel this way! 24:40 But when we are willing to surrender, 24:42 God will make the difference! 24:44 And we want to challenge you today! You know, 24:47 one of the blessings of the ministry work we have been 24:50 involved is: that we do not challenge you with anything 24:54 that God has not challenged us! 24:57 Nothing that we bring to you, 24:59 will be new to us. God is already 25:02 working in us and continuing to work in these areas of our life. 25:06 But, we want to challenge you, 25:09 to begin to pray, if you have not been praying specifically! 25:11 Begin to pray that God will give you this True Love! 25:16 This love that only comes from God and it's based on 1 Cor. 13! 25:21 Not this worldly Hollywood version! 25:24 And then, pray that God will show you the opportunities 25:29 to demonstrate that love. As I began praying there, for my wife 25:33 God began to show me 25:35 through the day little ways that I could begin to not respond 25:44 "myself way" but to respond in a "Christ like way", 25:46 demonstrate love to my wife! 25:47 That First Corinthians 13 love, right? -Yes! 25:50 And that is really the challenge that you are asking us! 25:52 It is: Look for the way! Is that we each need to look for 25:55 the ways, that we can demonstrate the 1 Cor. 13 love! 25:59 That means: there are going to be times that we give in acts of 26:03 kindness and how we respond and times that we are willing to be 26:07 restrained and change the course of our thinking! 26:10 Change our thoughts! Conscientiously 26:11 making a decision : I am not going to think that about 26:14 him anymore! I am going to think this! 26:17 So that's one thing we can do. In addition to that what would 26:24 ways that your spouse has demonstrated that love for you! 26:28 that means you are looking for the good in your spouse. 26:31 This is very important because many people are so focused 26:35 on the negative. Write it down. 26:36 And then in the evening communicate the ways that you 26:39 have seen demonstrated to you, that love! 26:42 And, as you and I talk about the things that we have seen in 26:46 each other on the day, nurtures us and motivates us to continue 26:51 to demonstrate that love. 26:53 Well, that is exciting! 26:55 I'm excited that even as we're sharing this doesn't it make you 26:59 want to even kindle more of that love? 27:01 Absolutely! 27:03 Why, don't we pray together!? As we close. 27:07 Father in Heaven what a blessing to be able to come to You! 27:14 You are the Author of our love! And we pray that 27:18 for each or one of us 27:20 the viewing audience 27:22 wherever we find ourselves Lord, we ask that You would 27:25 begin to kindle or rekindle that love in our hearts and that we 27:28 will look for ways to cooperate with You! and that we will 27:31 surrender ourselves to You! And become 27:33 what You can make us! And that we will truly love one another! 27:38 In Jesus name! 27:39 Amen! 27:42 I am looking forward to our next time together, when we are 27:45 going to be talking 27:46 about: Developing respect! 27:49 That will be an exciting topic! 27:51 It is! Do not miss it! 28:26 Closed Captions by Christian Media Services |
Revised 2014-12-17