A promise
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to love
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In good times
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and bad
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for richer
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or poorer
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forsaking all others
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as long as
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you both shall live
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MARRIAGE IN GOD'S HANDS
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MARRIAGE HEART TO HEART
with TOM and ALAINE WATERS
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Welcome to
Marriage Heart to Heart!
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We are Tom and Alane Waters
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with Restoration International
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and we're looking forward to our
time together with you today,
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we're gonna be talking about
more life changing, marriage
changing principles;
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principles that will truly make
you experience a marriage heart
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to heart. So we hope you
have your pencil and paper ready
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to take some notes for those
important principles today.
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We're talking about an
enduring commitment today.
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That word "enduring" is a very
important word, isn't it, dear?
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- It's an absolute.
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It's a "forever" kind of
word. An enduring commitment...
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You know, most of us as husband
and wife, we entered into a
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marriage vow. We're vows
pledging ourselves, that we
would "love, comfort, honor,
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cherish, to have and to
hold from this day forward".
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And these vows we solemnly
promised, were before God and
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man. - We said more than
that when we got married.
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- That's right.
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- Not only did we pledge
ourselves, but we put
conditions; we agreed to
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conditions upon those: "for
richer or for poorer, for better
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or for worse, in sickness and in
health 'till death do us part."
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- That's right.
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That's complete, and I think
it's important that we establish
this enduring commitment
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that it is a
complete commitment.
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And I think it's important, as
we're talking about this
enduring commitment today,
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it's important to realize
that this marriage vow was said
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before God. It's not just a vow
that we made to each other, it
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was a vow to God - you know -,
and I think that the enduring
commitment has lost some of its
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endurance in the day and age
that we live in. This idea of
"till death do us part"; I mean,
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we've known people... It has
nothing to do with death that
causes them to part.
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It might better have been said
in their vows: until you cross
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my will, and I don't feel like
living with you anymore; and
that's the end of my vow.
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But that's not an
enduring commitment.
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And we don't really live with
a throw-away marriage today,
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even though sometimes it
seems that way in our society.
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That's right. It's staggering
when we think of the statistics
between those marriages that
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are done in a Christian
church that end in divorce
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and compared that with the
world. They're one and the same.
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And it's sad because we have the
answer in Jesus Christ. We have
the answer to have a
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successful marriage as we learn
to surrender our hearts to Him
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and allow Him to work in my
heart and through me to you.
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In that process, then we
can have that harmony in the
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marriage, but if we don't accept
that, then we are like anyone
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else and we find the marriages
for small reasons, and they
always start out small,
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and they grow bigger and bigger
until it eventually ends up with
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divorce and a lot of
heartache and a lot of pain.
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That's right. It's interesting
when we go back to our parents'
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generation, and even back before
that. Fifty or sixty years ago
it was very unusual.
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It was not like it is today,
where half or more of our
marriages are ending in divorce.
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Why do you think it was that
marriages back in those days
just didn't brake up as easily
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as they do today?
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I believe, because of this one
factor that they knew when they
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spoke those words, that it was
an enduring commitment. I am
committing myself to love you,
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to honor you, to cherish you,
to comfort you through our whole
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life together. There was no
question, that it's going to be
until a certain point when I'm
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tired of you or somebody comes
along that I like better, or
you're not the man I used to
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know, it comes to that
commitment. And that's one thing
that I think has been a blessing
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to us in our personal marriage.
First of all, we had the example
in our own parents. We saw our
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parents work through challenges
and difficulties, and not give
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up. And we saw those
relationships last until death
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separated them. And that was a
foundational point for us in our
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marriage and I'm thankful to the
Lord that we had that example,
but even if we don't have that
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example, we can be the ones to
make the change for our future
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generation. - Amen. It's sad
that even at some of the
weddings that are taking place
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today - in young people... Even
in the way the vows are said...
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It's interesting, and in some
cases, tragic, that some of
these young people are actually
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writing their own vows, which
I'm not against, but what
they're doing is taking out some
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of the enduring principles of
this marriage relation. They're
taking away from it and actually
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making it easier for them to get
out of the marriage if things
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don't work. But regardless
of what the vow says, it still
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stands before God. When we enter
into that relationship in
marriage, that's a commitment
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we've made with that person. But
it's a vow before God that we
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will hold on to. And for us in
our marriage, when we went
through the early struggles in
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our marriage, that was an anchor
point for us. It wasn't an
option. I mean we had
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disappointments, we were perhaps
discontented or however we
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related to it, but it was not an
option for us. We didn't
consider that: Oh well, he's not
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treating me the way I thought he
would treat me, I think I'm
gonna look for somebody else.
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I think that it's important
that people understand that
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wherever you find yourself today
in this enduring commitment,
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and that can be a lot
of different places and
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circumstances; one of the things
that you can do today is to
reestablish those vows.
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- That's right.
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You know, we've done that
and we want to encourage you,
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even though you're wedding
may've been ten years ago, five
years ago, twenty years ago,
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whatever it is, you can go back
and you can reestablish those
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vows, you can make a commitment
and find an anchor point, that
when the difficulties come,
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that you will not consider it an
option that you will step out of
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this marriage. You know, it's
interesting that Ecclesiastes
9:9 says that we should live
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joyfully with the wife that we
love. You know, that has become
my experience with you,
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to live joyfully with you. And
you know that there's nobody I'd
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rather be with. I know that; and
I know it's a joy to live with
me even when I make some
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mistakes from time to time. You
know, it's not that we have a
perfect, flawless marriage, but
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we know how to humble ourselves,
to say "I'm sorry", to ask to be
forgiven, and then move forward.
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And this is an important key,
which we're gonna actually talk
about for a whole program;
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just on that one topic alone.
But it doesn't matter what our
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circumstances are; you know,
we've all changed. And so change
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isn't the issue. I think of one
person I know quite well; her
life was changed dramatically in
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an accident. And when the
accident happened, she was
paralyzed from her waist down;
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- that's a major change. And her
words to her husband, when he
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met her, were: If you're
going to leave me, leave me now!
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- I remember that.
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And sadly he left -I
mean, that's almost beyond
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comprehension. This is shocking;
this is when he needed to, more
than any time, reach out and
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love and serve his wife. And she
has spent the rest of her life
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as a single woman, because she
changed. Change isn't the issue;
we're always changing. Change
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-for the good or for the bad,
physically or whatever-, but we
can't be motivated by change.
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We have to understand how change
happens and then we have to
allow Christ to change
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my heart, and that's the
important change we need to
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focus on. -That's right. You
know, the sad thing about that
illustration, that family that
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we know personally; the change,
represented to him, what he
thought would affect his career,
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and she no longer
fit his lifestyle.
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-So it was all a me focus there.
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Yeah, he was in the me focus
like what we were talking about
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before. The me focus; and he
would not choose to move out of
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that, nor would he choose to
recognize that no matter what
difficulties, no matter what
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misunderstandings, no matter
what painful circumstances we go
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through, that unless we have a
biblical basis -and I know, this
is not popular today, even in
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Christianity-, unless we have a
biblical basis for divorce,
which is very clearly defined in
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the Bible, very clearly defined
as adultery; unless we have that
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biblical basis, we don't need to
even start thinking about
getting out of a marriage
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relation. - That's right. We
have the opportunity to begin to
change and work on it, to
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improve it and not
to let it be destroyed.
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- We certainly could have gone
down on that track in our own
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marriage. - Yeah. If we didn't
have that anchor point to
beginning that enduring
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commitment, I don't know if we
would have lasted a year, honey.
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That's right. I don't know; some
of our viewers may not have seen
00:11:01.60\00:11:06.40
that program, but I tell you, as
we were learning to become one,
it was not what some would call
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a "marriage made in Heaven".
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- We knew it was, but
we weren't living it, no.
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- So, we could have gone down
that very same thought process
and it's what leads many people
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into that fatal
cycle that ends in divorce.
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And it wasn't an option for us,
and I'm thankful it wasn't an
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option for us, because we knew
that God had brought our lives
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together. And we also know
couples that we know personally
that we've counseled with, who
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felt that had nothing in
common, everything had turned,
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and yet those same people are
now deeply in love and so
thankful that they did not
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take the option of divorce.
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- That's right. And even
couples, where an adulterous
relationship has happened in the
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marriage, we've seen those
couples, who are willing to let
God heal and restore that home;
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and many homes. And so, just
because there is a biblical
reason, it doesn't mean that
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it's the only option that we
have. We can also choose to go
and allow Christ to heal our
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heart and heal that home. And
it's a beautiful testimony. And
yes, trust can be regained,
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and that home can
be secure in love.
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Well, we also want to give the
positive side, because we've met
so many families that have
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endured long hardships; gone
through many life changing
experiences, through tragic
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accidents, through difficult
circumstances and they have not
00:12:48.08\00:12:54.71
chosen to give up, because in
illness, in sickness and in
health, for richer for poorer,
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we know people that have
experienced terrible financial
00:13:02.11\00:13:06.95
tragedy and those people have
continued with this enduring
commitment and they found the
00:13:06.98\00:13:13.21
rich blessing that God brings
and the happiness of an
unwavering love and devotion.
00:13:13.24\00:13:20.02
And that's exciting
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- It is.
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even in this generation.
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That's right. It's possible,
because all things are possible
00:13:24.41\00:13:28.56
with God. And it's the best. -
So, have you ever thought what
would happen if I became
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paralyzed? I would find it
my greatest joy to serve you.
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You really feel that way?
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- Absolutely!
00:13:48.54\00:13:49.72
- And you know I believe that.
You know why I believe that?
00:13:49.75\00:13:55.36
- Because I
demonstrate it to you every day.
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- Yeah. Because I know the
difference between what we used
to be when we were in our
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me focus, the selfish focus. And
I've seen the evidence of the
enduring commitment;
00:14:03.97\00:14:10.39
and you wouldn't even go
down that thought process,
00:14:10.42\00:14:15.28
because you've seen that when
you've been willing to die to
self, to your selfishness,
00:14:15.31\00:14:20.54
and let God's way work out, and
when I've been willing to die to
00:14:20.57\00:14:24.93
my selfishness, it's always
better than we ever expected it
00:14:24.96\00:14:29.12
to be. Yes, and often I've told
you: I don't know how it can get
any better; sometimes I tell
00:14:29.15\00:14:33.26
you: I don't even know how I
can express my love to you more.
00:14:33.29\00:14:36.31
And, you know, we don't live in
Paradise, we still have
challenges and trials like every
00:14:36.34\00:14:42.39
couple faces - from outside and
sometimes from within ourselves
00:14:42.42\00:14:46.89
-, but we've seen the joy of
allowing Christ to work in our
hearts and to keep us as one
00:14:46.92\00:14:53.53
couple, happy before the Lord.
00:14:53.56\00:14:57.33
And what a
blessing that happiness is!
00:14:57.36\00:15:00.29
But we need to take a break
right now, and when we come
back, we're going to be talking
00:15:00.32\00:15:05.29
about how the 1. Corinthians
experience, that love chapter,
how it affects our enduring
00:15:05.32\00:15:12.57
commitment to one another.
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tool to help build a better
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marriage. Welcome back to
Marriage Heart to Heart! We've
been talking about how we can
00:15:59.46\00:16:04.29
have an enduring commitment; one
that lasts forever, one that
does not give up easily,
00:16:04.32\00:16:10.48
one that is not easily chafed
and irritated; and that's really
what 1. Corinthians 13 talks
00:16:10.51\00:16:17.47
about, but even though that's
the love chapter, we can't do it
apart from Jesus Christ.
00:16:17.50\00:16:21.82
We need Him working in us -
that means we need to surrender.
00:16:21.85\00:16:25.66
So if we're going to experience
an enduring commitment, we need
to understand how to
00:16:25.69\00:16:30.63
make that
1.Corinthians 13 practical.
00:16:30.66\00:16:34.03
So, Alane, I'd like you to share
with them. How does this work?
00:16:34.06\00:16:38.72
Well, the thought that comes
to me is the conclusion of what
00:16:38.75\00:16:43.51
love is. It says: love bears all
things. "All things" - that's an
00:16:43.54\00:16:49.17
absolute. Love believes all
things, it hopes all things and
it endures all things.
00:16:49.20\00:16:55.26
And we have to begin to put
our focus there, in that area;
00:16:55.29\00:16:59.43
that's what true love is. I'm
not capable of generating that
00:16:59.46\00:17:04.97
love in myself, my human love
doesn't bear all things, my
human love doesn't believe all
00:17:05.00\00:17:10.45
things, I certainly don't hope
all things, and I don't endure
00:17:10.48\00:17:16.29
all things. But by asking God to
put His love into my heart, I
have the ability, because my
00:17:16.32\00:17:22.45
weakness is now made perfect in
His strength, and through Him I
can receive that divine love
00:17:22.48\00:17:27.78
in my heart, that no matter what
happens, no matter how little or
00:17:27.81\00:17:32.51
how big, that love can still be
in my heart. And many times,
when - it's the little things
00:17:32.54\00:17:37.65
again -, that's the little
things that trip people up.
00:17:37.68\00:17:40.50
And for you viewers out there,
you know from your personal
experience: it's the little
00:17:40.53\00:17:45.34
things that cause the greatest
agitation. It's not the major
crisis that happens
00:17:45.37\00:17:49.76
once or twice in three years,
it's the little day-to-day
things that get under our skin
00:17:49.79\00:17:54.82
and irritate us, they begin to
destroy us as couples. And so,
that's where God's love needs
00:17:54.85\00:18:01.46
to operate, is in the day-to-day
little things. And so for me,
what I have found helpful,
00:18:01.49\00:18:07.24
is: when I start to feel my
human love failing, I ask God to
00:18:07.27\00:18:13.21
give me His love that will hope,
and believe, and endure, and
00:18:13.24\00:18:17.54
bear all things; not because
you're a bad person, but because
so often it's my own perspective
00:18:17.57\00:18:22.39
that's off. And when I pray that
kind of prayer, I see a
difference in the circumstances,
00:18:22.42\00:18:27.09
I see the difference in
you, because now I'm seeing you
00:18:27.12\00:18:31.07
through His eyes
and not just my eyes.
00:18:31.10\00:18:32.39
- I appreciate that, dear. And I
obviously am receiving a benefit
from that, when that happens.
00:18:32.42\00:18:38.86
I to have found the blessing in
asking God as I have my quiet
time with the Lord in the
00:18:38.89\00:18:44.87
morning: Lord, put in me Your
Heaven-born love - because this
does not happen for us naturally
00:18:44.90\00:18:51.78
or spontaneously, our
human love does wear very thin.
00:18:51.81\00:18:55.85
Our human love - and I've often
said -, our human love works
well when everything seems to
00:18:55.88\00:19:01.85
look right, feel right, smell
right, everything's perfect.
00:19:01.88\00:19:06.68
When I'm perfect, right?
00:19:06.71\00:19:07.68
And that's not where
real love needs to endure.
00:19:07.98\00:19:11.92
- That's right. - It's
not hard to endure there.
00:19:11.99\00:19:14.04
And so... We do need to pray...
You know, Jesus said: Without me
ye can do - nothing.
00:19:14.60\00:19:22.18
- And we've all proved it. - We
have proved it. And why not get
out of some of these
00:19:22.43\00:19:27.39
ruts and start working with
Christ to have this enduring
00:19:27.51\00:19:31.94
commitment, to rekindle
this enduring commitment.
00:19:31.97\00:19:34.20
- That's right... and one of the
things I think is important and
00:19:34.24\00:19:39.03
I know I have done and we've
talked about it some together,
too, we've done together as a
00:19:39.26\00:19:42.40
couple, we've identified
the weak areas in our marriage.
00:19:42.43\00:19:45.66
- That's right... -...that
has caused us to stumble
00:19:45.69\00:19:49.50
that has caused us to have human
love wear thin - should I say -
00:19:49.53\00:19:53.71
we've identified those areas and
then we've looked to strengthen
00:19:53.74\00:19:57.98
those areas. so that's one
thing that has really helped us.
00:19:58.49\00:20:01.36
But if I begin to focus on all
of the things that you do in our
00:20:01.39\00:20:06.49
marriage that causes our
marriage to be weak - I'm in
00:20:06.52\00:20:08.94
trouble. - Uhmm.. - Because
then the focus is all you,
00:20:08.97\00:20:12.80
and it's... you know... what
you've done and I'm not really
allowing God to show me my part
00:20:12.83\00:20:17.87
I can't change you - and this is
very important, because this is
an area that happens
00:20:17.90\00:20:22.96
in marriages - they want to try
to change the other person, to
make them just perfect
00:20:23.20\00:20:27.19
to fit what I want. I
can't make you what I want...
00:20:27.22\00:20:30.28
I can only let God change me
to be what He wants me to be for
00:20:30.31\00:20:34.86
you. So identifying those
weaknesses had been more
beneficial on my part to see my
00:20:34.89\00:20:41.75
weaknesses in this and not focus
on your weaknesses and ask the
Lord to change my weaknesses.
00:20:41.78\00:20:45.72
That's one area... And then
also on the positive and I think
00:20:46.11\00:20:49.65
for every negative thing we
identify we have to identify and
look for the positive
00:20:49.68\00:20:55.72
and that's where many
couples don't spend enough time.
00:20:55.75\00:20:58.91
- That's right. That was a very
negative focus. In fact, some of
the things that we've heard:
00:20:58.94\00:21:05.35
Well, we just don't
see anything "eye-to-eye"
00:21:05.38\00:21:09.68
Now that really wasn't the way
it was when you were courting
00:21:09.71\00:21:15.74
one another, when you were
having that wonderful time
together and you couldn't wait
00:21:15.77\00:21:19.48
to be married. Somewhere between
"I do" and where it is now,
where "I don't feel like it
00:21:19.51\00:21:27.23
anymore" somewhere in between
those two points some things
00:21:28.03\00:21:31.56
started happening. "We just
don't see anything eye-to-eye" -
well, that's because if the eyes
00:21:31.59\00:21:38.22
are focused on me and your eyes
are focused on you, we are not
going to see anything
00:21:38.25\00:21:42.16
eye-to-eye. - That's right! - Or
people say: "You know, we just
00:21:42.20\00:21:47.41
can't agree anymore!" ...we just
don't seem to be able to agree
00:21:47.44\00:21:50.65
on things
anymore... we can't come to
00:21:50.68\00:21:53.65
decisions... I know some women
have told me: He just doesn't
take any time for the kids..."
00:21:54.38\00:22:01.25
He is just totally
removed from the family...
00:22:01.28\00:22:05.01
It's like he is living a life
and the rest of us are out here.
00:22:05.04\00:22:08.03
But rather than condemning him
for that and... ending the
marriage over that -
00:22:08.06\00:22:16.41
let's look for ways to draw him
in... What can we do as wives,
00:22:16.44\00:22:20.23
what can we do as
mothers with our children
00:22:20.26\00:22:22.46
to encourage father and husband
to want to be a part of the
00:22:22.49\00:22:28.55
family? You weren't always that
involved with the family the way
I would've liked you to be
00:22:28.58\00:22:33.06
now... you were more than most
men, and I'm grateful for that
00:22:33.09\00:22:36.12
but there were things I could do
practically so I started looking
at the things I could do
00:22:36.15\00:22:42.05
to help you to become more
involved with the family. One of
00:22:42.08\00:22:47.01
the things was: stop complaining
so much about the children...
00:22:47.04\00:22:49.69
You know... start giving
positive reports, so you gonna
want to be with the children.
00:22:49.72\00:22:54.55
- Makes a huge difference...
00:22:54.58\00:22:56.57
- It does. So
we've all heard the
00:22:56.60\00:22:59.66
complaints ...and we can
identify those but we have to
also focus on the positive
00:22:59.69\00:23:05.74
things. - That's very
important... - That's right...
00:23:05.77\00:23:08.45
You know, some people say:
"Well, I'm tired of living in
00:23:08.48\00:23:12.22
this mess..." I'm embarrassed
to have anybody come home...
00:23:12.72\00:23:15.91
I mean these are real things
and they become walls, they get
00:23:15.94\00:23:20.73
bigger and bigger and they
become mountains sometimes
through the situation.
00:23:20.76\00:23:24.15
Well, rather than taking that
focus, let's sit down together
and say: Well, why do we have
00:23:24.18\00:23:32.21
this mess? OK? If people would
just take time to sit down
together recognizing that we are
00:23:32.34\00:23:41.57
not going to walk out of this
marriage, we are not going to
continue, but would preferably
00:23:41.60\00:23:47.24
go to God and say: Lord, what
would you have me to do? How can
I be different? How could I
00:23:47.27\00:23:53.16
respond differently? and look
for how we can begin to break
00:23:53.20\00:23:56.23
these things down, but no
matter what those reasons are
00:23:56.24\00:23:59.23
that we've just discussed here
some of these statements that
00:23:59.26\00:24:04.27
people make these are not good
enough reasons for divorce...
00:24:04.30\00:24:07.28
- No, there is no reason! - They
are not good enough... And
reasons even less than that
00:24:07.31\00:24:13.41
are creating divorce scenarios
00:24:13.44\00:24:16.14
today. - So the change that we
have to be willing to do is the
change that comes in our own
00:24:16.17\00:24:21.63
selves. In our own prospectives,
in our own attitudes, our own
00:24:21.66\00:24:27.88
ways of thinking. And so if the
place is a mess, instead of the
husband coming home saying: "I
00:24:27.91\00:24:35.06
can't stand living here!" why
doesn't he look for ways to
encourage her and appreciate
00:24:35.09\00:24:40.15
something about her that would
help motivate her? And for the
wife, why don't you serve your
00:24:40.18\00:24:45.27
husband and understand - look at
him and say: because I love you,
I care for you, I want to do
00:24:45.30\00:24:50.57
this for you, I want to keep a
nice room for you... because I
want you to come home and be
00:24:50.60\00:24:54.91
with us. You know, change is
often... something has changed,
and so now the change is viewed
00:24:55.55\00:24:59.94
negatively. You weren't
like this before... I want to
00:24:59.97\00:25:02.25
encourage each one of you
that change is going to happen!
00:25:02.26\00:25:11.25
...and rather than use change as
a negative direction towards
breaking the marriage vow,
00:25:11.28\00:25:20.69
towards removing the enduring
commitment, I encourage each one
00:25:20.72\00:25:25.64
of you that when change happens,
it can be an impetus for sitting
00:25:25.67\00:25:30.79
down and saying: what are we
willing to do together to
continue change, but continue to
00:25:30.83\00:25:38.31
change in a positive direction?
You know, Matthew 19:6 says:
What therefore God joined
00:25:38.35\00:25:44.45
together let not men put
asunder! And we've shared this
before, too often it's the
00:25:44.48\00:25:50.19
husband or wife or both create a
separation here so I just want
to encourage us as we move from
00:25:50.20\00:25:53.19
here, that we renew... we
renew...if we haven't for a long
00:25:53.22\00:26:05.36
time, that enduring commitment.
Go back and look at those
marriage vows, go back to what
00:26:05.39\00:26:12.28
we've pledged, and really renew
that! If you need to, take your
00:26:12.31\00:26:17.67
wife by the hand, and
go back and renew those
00:26:17.70\00:26:21.39
vows! - So that's a challenge to
them, right? - It's a personal
00:26:21.42\00:26:24.35
challenge! We've done that
ourselves, and we still do that.
We just celebrated our 25th
00:26:24.38\00:26:29.48
wedding anniversary, and we
renewed them all over again! -
00:26:29.51\00:26:31.54
That's right! And we don't have
to wait 'till our anniversary,
it can be a daily renewal in the
00:26:31.57\00:26:36.94
heart... and an expression
to the other person...
00:26:36.98\00:26:39.08
And then, we have to also
look for those areas in myself
00:26:39.11\00:26:44.73
that have weakened that
00:26:44.76\00:26:47.31
commitment. Not in you, but in
myself! And what am I willing to
do? What are you willing to do
00:26:47.34\00:26:50.51
to change that? Find those
areas, identify those areas and
00:26:50.52\00:26:54.51
then ask God to change
your heart that you can be
00:26:54.54\00:27:00.11
a positive
influence in the marriage!
00:27:00.14\00:27:02.73
- And then it is very good to
also go back and talk about the
things we've done right...
00:27:02.76\00:27:06.79
- That's right! - We would
really strengthen the commitment
and encourage each other with
00:27:06.82\00:27:10.74
that, and I think, the
best thing that we can do in the
00:27:10.77\00:27:14.64
marriage in renewing that
pledge, is to start with the
encouraging things first!
00:27:14.67\00:27:19.50
- Absolutely!
00:27:19.53\00:27:21.55
I mean, would you like to
close as we pray together?
00:27:22.03\00:27:25.19
- Father, help us to make
this commitment again to You,
00:27:25.22\00:27:29.93
and to each other that we
will be in our marriage forever.
00:27:29.96\00:27:34.42
We thank you in
Jesus' name. Amen
00:27:34.45\00:27:38.29
We look forward to seeing you
next time, when we talk about:
"What is true love?"
00:27:40.17\00:27:45.99
We want you to experience
a marriage heart to heart.
00:27:46.02\00:27:50.81
And we know that is possible
through the Lord Jesus Christ!
00:27:50.84\00:27:54.48
My God bless you!
00:27:54.51\00:27:58.36